How to Validate Someone’s Pain

As Christians, when we see someone hurting, we all want to help. That’s good, we should. The problem is, many of us have never been trained how to really help someone who’s hurting. We don’t know how, or even what to do. Often, unfortunately, well-meaning Christians do more harm than good.

As the church stands on the brink of the Third Great Awakening, our churches are going to be overwhelmed by a flood of hurting people. We need to get comfortable being around people who are hurting, without trying to fix them.

And it’s not just the unsaved coming into our churches who are hurting. There’s a huge number of people in our churches right now who are hurting. But they’re hiding their hurt because:

1. They think they’re the only one. Look at all these happy people. I’m the only one who’s faking it. No, believe me, you’re really not.
2. They’re afraid of being judged. Because either they have been in the past, or they’ve seen other people with similar issues be treated as “less than.”

So our lack of understanding is actually preventing people from getting the healing Jesus has for them. And that’s the last thing any of us want.

If you can’t go to the people of God when you’re hurting, where can you go?

But it doesn’t have to be this way. Before trying to solve the problem, or offering them help, there’s something important we need to do first. And it makes all the difference.

The single most important thing you can do to help someone who’s hurting is validate their pain. Before you do anything else, validate their pain. Validate how they feel. This gives them acceptance instead of judgement, and it creates a safe place.

So how do we do this?

Let Them Hurt

That sounds really strange, doesn’t it? Let them hurt?!? That’s not compassionate! Let me explain. I don’t mean ignore them or their pain. I don’t mean being cold or distant or uncompassionate or insensitive.

Here’s the deal. When someone’s going through their valley of the shadow of death, either physically, emotionally, or spiritually, we naturally want to find them an off-ramp. Out of compassion, we want to fix the problem for them. Don’t do that, because you can’t. Only Jesus is the healer.

What am I supposed to do then? I’m glad you asked.

Be Present

There’s a great model in Job 2:11-13.

They sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was. –Job 2:13

Job’s friends normally get a bad rap, and rightfully so. But they got it right for a whole week, when they just sat with him in the ashes of his life, and didn’t say anything. Then they opened their mouths, and it was all downhill from there.

Ok, so practically, how do we do this? Proverbs 18:21 says, “Life and death are in the power of the tongue.” What we say, and don’t say, is important.

What to NOT Say

Too often, we unintentionally discount people’s pain. The following are things well-meaning Christians often say, but are not helpful because they discount the person’s pain.

• “I understand.”
  No, you really don’t. You haven’t experienced what they’re going through. And even if you have, you haven’t experienced it as them, with their backstory, their fears, and their previous hurts. They are a different person and are experiencing it differently than you would.
• “I went through something similar…”
  This is not the time to tell your story. Listen to and validate their story. Telling your story, when they are trying to tell you theirs, minimizes their story and discounts their pain. Be a real listener. Don’t be a wait-to-talker.
• “You’ll get through it.”
  Again, this minimizes their pain. What they are really hearing is, “No one understands me, my pain, what I’m going through, or how sacred I am. And it’s not ok for me to tell them. I better hide it.”
• “Just have faith.”
  Whether you mean it or not, they hear condemnation: “They think I’m a bad Christian because I’m going through this.”
• “God’s got this.”
  While very true, this totally discounts their pain. Whether you mean it or not, what they hear is, “You’re wrong to feel bad about this. Why are you so upset? Relax, God will work it all out.” While a great thing to tell yourself when you’re going through painful times, don’t flippantly say it to others.

Ok, so what should we say? What do we say to validate someone’s pain?

What to Say

Here are some great things to say. These things make the other person feel heard, and create a safe space for them to share and seek healing.

• “Tell me more about that.”
  This is a great default when you don’t know what else to say.
• “I’ve got no grid for what you’re going through. It must be really hard.”
  This is very validating; it invites them to share their feelings. It assures them you care and you’re listening.
• “You’re really brave to face this.”
  This can be so validating. Believe me, they feel anything but brave right now.
• “That must really hurt.”
  Again, an invitation to share their feelings, hurts, and fears.
• “So do you feel like…”
  and take a guess at how they’re feeling. It doesn’t matter if you’re right or not. Just the fact that someone is trying to understand how they feel is huge.
• “You’re not a bad Christian for going through this.”
  You may see tears with this one. Because believe me, the enemy, and sadly other Christians, have told them they are.
• “I don’t know what to do.”
  It’s great to admit you don’t have all the answers. This validates them as a person because then they don’t have to feel condemned for not having all the answers either.

Don’t Try to Be the Professional

Don’t try to be their savior; that’s Jesus’ job. Don’t try to lead them through healing if (1) you haven’t received healing yourself, or (2) you don’t know what you’re doing. Especially if they have been through trauma (emotional or physical abuse, abortion, sexual abuse, etc.). Don’t try to be the professional when you aren’t.

Instead, ask if you can help them find the right help. Asking is very important. Never impose a solution by saying things like:

• “You should read this book.”
• “Here’s a counselor that deals with these issues.”

Get permission first. Ask first, like this:

• “Would you like some resources to help with that?”
• “Would you like me to help you find a counselor (or pastor) who deals with that?”

If they say yes, then you can ask them if they’ve read that book, or give them your counselor or pastoral recommendation. Now you have their permission and you’re not imposing one more thing on them. Now you’re being truly helpful.

If they say no, then just drop it. No matter how much you think your resource will help them, respect their no. They aren’t ready for it yet. Keep it in your back-pocket for another time when they’re ready.

If we do these things, we can make the church a safe place for hurting people. People won’t let us help them until they know they won’t be harmed by doing so. But if we validate their pain, we create a safe place for them to get healing.

Your Turn

How have you been validated (or not) by the church when you were hurting? What did people do that was helpful (or not)? Are you currently hiding because your church isn’t safe for what you’re struggling with? Tell us your story in the comments; let’s get this conversation going. (If your story is sensitive or private, you’re welcome to send us a private email here.) And please share this post if it would bless others.