Why Good Friends Don’t Accept You Just the Way You Are

What do you want in your friends? What makes a good friend? Many people would answer, “A good friend accepts you just the way you are.”

I beg to differ. That’s not a friend.

Both your local waiter and the cashier at your gas station accept you just the way you are. Because they don’t care about you. As long as you leave a good tip or pay for your gas with a good attitude, they’re fine with you. They really don’t care if you’re hurting yourself. A good friend does.

A good friend receives you just the way you are, not accepts you just the way you are.

A good friend receives you just the way you are. But they won’t accept your self-destructive behaviors, and they don’t want you to accept theirs.

We Don’t Accept Self-Destructive Behavior in People We Love

The world has this very confused. The world says, “love is love,” meaning any sexual relationship is acceptable if the people involved love each other. But that’s simply not true. Far too many churches, some whole denominations, have compromised on this point to gain the favor and acceptance of the world.

The world’s definition of “love” is not saying boo to anybody about what they do or how they live. But that’s not love. That’s indifference. Indifference (not hatred) is the opposite of love.

There are forces in the culture trying to bully us into accepting sexually immoral lifestyles as normal in the name of love. They do so, not because they love the people involved, but so that they get votes and cling to power. Once firmly entrenched in power, they will enslave the very people who voted for them.

Faithful are the wounds of a friend; but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful. (Proverbs 27:6)

Love is shouting, “Stop! You’re hurting yourself! Don’t do that!” Not out of legalism or religion, but out of an identification with the deep harm and pain the person is causing themselves.

The world hates Christians for this. Christians should be passionate for sexual integrity and purity – sex reserved for one man and one woman inside a marriage relationship.

Think about it – most of the lawlessness we see in our society today comes from fatherlessness, which is a direct result of sexual immorality.

To truly love people the way Jesus did, we need to be willing to tell them their lifestyle is self-destructive. Now please hear me. I’m not saying beat anybody over the head with your 97-pound Scofield Reference Bible. We need to be wise, which usually means being gentle, but sometimes not. But being wise always means being led by the Holy Spirit, communicating in a way the other person can understand. Whether they receive it or not is on them.

Good Wisdom from a Lousy Movie

Remember the movie Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull with Harrison Ford, Karen Allen, and Shia LeBeouf? Indiana Jones (played by Harrison Ford, of course) runs into his ex from Raiders of the Lost Ark, Marion Ravenwood (played by Karen Allen). She’s remarried and has a son (played by Shia LeBeouf).

Indiana talks to the boy who’s complaining about the rigorous education his mother tried to force on him, and how his dropping out of school has strained their relationship. Indiana Jones assures the boy school’s really no big deal. When Indiana sees Marion, he tells her to lighten up on the boy. After all, school’s not for everyone.

Marion tells Indiana the boy is actually his son. After he picks his jaw up off the floor, the first thing out of Indiana’s mouth is, “Why didn’t you make him stay in school?!?”

While a humorous scene in a silly movie, it illustrates a deeper point. When the boy was somebody else’s kid, Indiana Jones couldn’t care less about him, and just wanted him to be comfortable and happy. Primarily because that made life easier for Indiana Jones. Who wants to deal with somebody else’s problems?

But as soon as the young man was his son, well, suddenly, that’s different. Now he cares about what’s ultimately best for the boy, not just what brings happiness at this moment.

Good Parents Don’t Accept Just Anything

I have heard so many of my fellow parents say, “I just want my daughter (or son) to be happy).” I’m not a violent man, but when people say that, I just want to smack them.

“Don’t you love your child?” I want to scream at them. “Why on earth would you just want your child to be happy?”

There are so many more important things for your child to be than happy. What about maturity? What about loving God? What about self-sufficient? What about giving? What about being a person of character? None of those things are built into a person’s life by happiness, but by hard work, sacrifice, and choosing delayed gratification.

Honestly, if you just want your child to be happy, let him live with you in your basement playing video games until you die. We all know those people, and we pity them. Their parents have crippled their children for life.

Not Accepting and Controlling Are 2 Different Things

Not accepting self-destructive behavior doesn’t mean trying to control or manipulate the person into making good choices. It is their life and they have to live it and be responsible for it. Not accepting self-destructive behavior does not mean that we don’t honor their right to choose.

We need to let our children live their own adventure.

Not accepting self-destructive behavior means we speak up. For God’s sake, speak up! From a place of relationship, not legalism, we speak up. Put as many disclaimers on it as you want to soften the blow, but speak up. Tell your friend, or your family member if you have the relationship to do so, that they are harming themselves, or about to.

That’s your responsibility as a good friend, or a parent, or family. What they do with it is up to them. So we speak up, but we still honor their right to choose.

It’s Not about the Behavior. It’s about the Wounding.

Remember also that the real issue with self-destructive behavior, whether it’s addictions or sexual immorality, isn’t the behavior itself. It’s the hidden wounding causing the behavior. That’s what we need to get to. Get the person’s wounding healed, and the behavior will take care of itself.

That’s why so many people who quit smoking gain weight. The addiction just pops up somewhere else because the underlying wound was never dealt with.

That’s why legalizing same-sex marriage and normalizing transgender is so destructive in our society. These people are deeply wounded, to the extent that even their sexual attraction and gender identity are confused.

But our society puts a band-aid on their bleeding emotional artery and says, “No, you’re fine! No problem here.” And so we deny them the healing Jesus wants to give them. That is not love.

We need to love people enough to tell them the truth. In love, with all the disclaimers you want, but still the truth. With a spoonful of sugar maybe, but not watered down. Are you willing?

Your Turn

Has someone spoken into your life something that you initially resented, but later respected and appreciated them for? Or maybe you’ve taken the risk to share something the other person really needed to hear that you knew may not be well received? Tell us your story in the comments. And please share this post if it would bless others.