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4 Paradigms of Doing, and How to Shift to the Healthy One

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How do you do “doing”? Doing stuff is important. Nobody wants to spend their whole life on the couch watching TV while their brain turns to mush. Although we are not what we do, it’s important to do stuff.

Unfortunately, many of us do not have a healthy relationship with “doing.” Here are 4 common paradigms of doing. The first 3 are unhealthy, and for each one I’ll show you how to shift into the healthy 4th paradigm.

(1) Autopilot Doing

The busyness of life in the West tends to put us on autopilot.

Anyone with school-aged children knows this. Every other minute you find yourself shuttling some kid somewhere to some activity. And that’s not bad. We’re investing in our children. Kudos. But has it drowned out you? Are you just John’s mom or Amy’s dad?

Adults, young and old, are barraged by constant notifications from our devices. Someone emailed! Or posted! Or shared a TikTok! Look! Now!

Don’t get me wrong; I love my iPhone and being connected. But have the devices that were supposed to save us time hijacked our time instead?

I can speak from experience that men can live their whole life on autopilot. I did for a long time, before I broke out of it. Providing for your family. Doing the job. Then, after 40+ years in the workforce, retire in the veiled frustration of unfulfilled monotony, and die in front of the TV. How tragic.

Too many of us never discover the exciting calling God created us for. Living on autopilot starved our heart’s passion to death long ago. Autopilot stinks.

Silence is the Antidote to Autopilot.

The good news is, our God raises the dead. It’s in the silent spaces, the quiet moments of our lives, that the Holy Spirit whispers life to our distracted hearts.

But it takes intention on our part. Here are some examples:

Schedule regular white space on your calendar. Turn off the phone, put away the computer, and any other distractions. Spend even just a few moments alone with a journal. Light a candle. Declare this time as yours. Listen for the Holy Spirit reminding you of your heart’s passion. He put it there in the first place.

Can you dare to remember? Would that change everything?

(2) Wounded Doing

One of the enemy’s foundational strategies is to bury the calling of God on our lives under a mountain of wounding.

Wounding can lead us to self-medicating with addictions. Anything to drown out the pain for a little while.

Addictions can be self-destructive:

  • Sex
  • Alcohol
  • Drugs
  • Porn
  • Codependency (addiction to other people’s problems)

But we can also be addicted to good things that we’ve let get out-of-balance because they take away the pain:

  • Entertainment
  • Shopping
  • Eating
  • Social Media
  • Relationships

Our addictions can even look really great on the outside, and be praised by the people around us:

  • Work
  • Church
  • Activism

Doing self-destructive things is obviously an addiction. But how do we know when the good things we’re doing are actually an addiction, medicating pain in our lives? By answering one question: Are we getting our value from it?

If this is you, there is something in your life God wants to heal. But to receive God’s healing, you have to be willing to go into the pain. Not to get re-traumatized, but to let God open the wound just enough so Surgeon Jesus can bring his healing.

(3) Desperation Doing

The world is not a safe place. Being an adult can be outright scary. We feel like we’re dancing on the highwire without a net.

  • “This business venture better work or we’re out on the street.”
  • “My spouse’s chemo has to beat the cancer. I can’t stand another loss in my life.”
  • “I can’t believe I’m having to deal with this!” (Fill in the blank for you.)

When something important and out of our control hangs in the balance, it’s easy to get into desperation. It’s even natural. It’s human nature to try and control what we can.

And again, doing things is good. But doing things in desperation is not. And the cure is to make a paradigm shift into paradigm number 3.

(4) Partnership Doing

We may end up doing the exact same things we were doing in desperation. But when we’re doing them in tangible partnership with God, our heart’s posture in doing them is different.

Ok, what do I mean by tangible partnership with God? Granted, God’s Spirit in us is intangible. We don’t physically experience him like we do other humans. (Usually, there are those moments…) But our experience of him can be just as real.

It is possible to walk out your life in a tangible partnership with God. Here’s what that looks like:

  • You’ve done the work of hearing God for the calling on your life.
  • You’ve clearly defined what you’re responsible for doing.
  • You’ve clearly defined what God’s responsible for. Usually, bringing the results. Making it work.
  • You’ve made an overt decision that even if God doesn’t bring the results you expected, your heart will still testify that he is good.
  • Rinse and repeat. When it doesn’t work (or when it does), you go back to God and refine his calling on your life, the actions you’re responsible for, and what he’s responsible for.

For example, I tangibly partner with God for my time in doing this website, which I do mostly during my lunch break at my day job. My lunch break varies in length depending on when I arrive at work in the morning.

I don’t set an alarm. God’s responsible for waking me up early enough to hit the gym and arrive at work with enough website time at lunch.

I always wake up at different times, within an hour or two. Even accounting for unpredictable traffic, I can’t count how many times my lunch break has been just long enough, to the minute, to accomplish what I needed to do that day. God’s in this.

I’m responsible for going to bed at a reasonable hour. And I’m responsible for using the time he gives me efficiently (e.g., not scrolling social!).

So he gives me the time, and I do the things. You’re reading the results. My partnership with him works. Yours will too.

Your Turn

Do you see yourself in any of these “doing” paradigms? Is this post an eye opener? Share your story with this community in the comments.

If this hit home and you want to talk with me about hearing God’s calling on your life (practically and for real!), and partnering with God in it, email me at dave@IdentityInWholeness.com. I’d love to talk with you.

And please share this post to bless others.

Why the Church Needs to Understand Wounding

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Too often in the Church we try to address the bad fruit in a person’s life without taking the time to understand the wounding that caused it. If we’re just dealing with the visible bad fruit in people’s lives, and not the bad roots in their hearts that cause it, then we’re just offering a sin management service. No, thank you. I want transformation.

Even if we successfully expunge bad fruit from our lives, if we don’t deal with the underlying roots, those roots will just cause bad fruit to spring up somewhere else. We need to address the motivation. We need to understand the wounding.

A Bank Robbers’ Parable

Two guys burst into a bank with guns. Both fired their weapons into the air and made everyone lay down. They robbed the bank and fled. Later, they were caught, tried, and convicted.

They each received the same lengthy sentence from the judge. After all, the facts of both cases were the same. They robbed a bank. They both used a gun (a worse legal offense). Although they didn’t physically hurt anyone, they both discharged their weapons (again, a worse legal offense). Justice was served like it should be, kudos to the legal system.

Their motivations, however, were completely different.

The first bank robber was motivated by straight greed. Pure, unadulterated greed. “They have something I don’t. I want it. I’m taking it.”

The second bank robber was motivated by fear for his 8-year daughter, dying from a rare and aggressive cancer. She needed an expensive treatment, and she needed it now. But he’d just lost his job, his health insurance was canceled, and the treatment facility required insurance before treatment.

Don’t get me wrong. His desperation does not justify the crime. The punishment was just.

The judge and jury didn’t need to understand the two men’s motivations to hand down judgment and punishment, just the facts of the case. But if the prison counselor wants to bring healing and reform to their lives, he must understand the differences between their motivations.

Which Do We Want to Be?

As the Church, Jesus’ body, the physical manifestation of his love here on the Earth, who do we want to be?

If we want to be judge and jury, bringing judgment, then, no, we don’t need to understand a person’s wounding. We can bring judgment with just the facts of the case.

But if we, as the Church, want to bring healing, then absolutely, we must understand the person’s wounding, and how that wounding has produced bad fruit in their lives.

The prison counselor isn’t going to justify either bank robber’s crime. But he is going to address the problems in each man’s life differently, because their heart conditions, their motivations, and their woundings are completely different.

Did You Cut Yourself?

If someone cuts themselves, too many conservative churches just yell at them, “Hey, stupid, don’t cut yourself! Stop getting blood everywhere, you idiot!” When we don’t lead with compassion, we’re too busy passing judgment to bring healing.

And too many liberal churches pretend they didn’t cut themselves at all. “Blood? We don’t see any blood? You’re fine, no problem here.” When we justify sin, like sex outside marriage, homosexuality, transgender, or abortion, we let people spiritually bleed-out by denying the wound.

But neither is bandaging the wound like Jesus would, which requires 2 things:

  1. Acknowledging the wound.
  2. Loving the person.

Visible bad fruit in a their life often requires immediate attention. But if we really want to help them, we need to address the bad root in their heart, a response to their wounding, that caused the bad fruit in their life.

Where there’s fruit, there’s a root.

What was the motivation for cutting themselves? Was it an accident and they were just being careless? Or was it intentional and they struggle with self-hatred?

Do you see that each motivation needs to be addressed differently? The former needs safety training, while the latter needs counseling and inner healing. Those follow-ups are very different, even though these individuals both received the same emergency medical care.

Start by Listening & Accepting Their Story

So how do we make a difference? How do we do this? Where do we start? How do we understand a person’s wounding?

Here are some helpful, practical guidelines to begin to understand.

  • Listen to their story. This is not the time to tell your similar story, which actually discounts their story. Shut up and listen.
  • Accept their story. Don’t judge it. Value their vulnerability. “Thank you for sharing that with me. That was really brave.”
  • Don’t generalize. Don’t assume you understand what they’re going through because you’ve heard (or lived) a similar story. You need to hear lots of different stories before you really understand an issue.
  • “Tell me more about that” is a great thing to say when you don’t know what to say.
  • Validate their pain. “That must really hurt. I’m sorry you’ve been through this.” (For more practical tips on how to validate someone’s pain, check out here and here.)

We can learn to understand wounding, to look beneath the surface, to validate people’s pain. We can learn to be Jesus’ heart, hands, feet, and mouth on the Earth like we’re called to be. Because if you can’t go to the people of God when you’re in crisis, where can you go?

Resources

In particular, I’ve got 2 short video series, each with videos only 5-8 minutes long, about understanding depression and post-abortive.

Your Turn

Have you ever had someone give you the right solution to the wrong problem because they didn’t take the time to understand? Have you ever done that and regretted it later? I know I’ve been on both ends of this. Tell us your story in the comments and please share this post on social media if it would bless others.

3 Types of Fear

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Fear is a signal. We don’t want to be controlled by it. But we don’t want to ignore it either. Fear is a God-given emotion. But fear is scary because it can overwhelm us so easily.

Don’t Put Duct Tape on the Oil Light

Negative emotions like fear are the idiot lights on the dashboard of our lives. We don’t want to be controlled by them. But they are God-given, and we need to pay attention to them.

Fear is a signal that there’s something going on under-the-hood.

Say your oil light goes on. You think, “I don’t want to deal with that $29.95 oil change, watch this!” And you put a piece of duct tape over the oil light so you can’t see it anymore. Problem Solved! Not so much.

You’re fine for a while, until your engine runs out of oil and freezes up. Now, facing $5000+ in engine repairs, that $29.95 oil change doesn’t look so bad.

In the same way, we don’t want to ignore our fear. It’s telling us that there’s something under-the-hood we need to pay attention to.

No Fear of Fear

Here’s the good news. You don’t have to be afraid of your fear. The first thing to do when you’re afraid is take one giant step back and ask, “What kind of fear is this?”

You Don’t Have to be Afraid of Your Fear

Knowing how to correctly respond to our fear depends on correctly discerning what type of fear it is. Fear is a healthy response to a threat. Here are 3 types of threats, and what to do.

1) A Real Threat

There are legitimate things to be afraid of. Rattlesnakes. Tornados. Sharks. Narcissists. There’s nothing wrong with being afraid of something that can actually harm you.

With an actual threat, we need real discernment from God whether to move forward or backward, or to stand our ground.

Most of the time, if you see a rattlesnake, it’s a good idea to slowly back away from it. But if it’s in your yard, and you have the tools (a hoe) and the know-how, you can move forward and kill that bugger.

With a narcissist, we need discernment. Some battles are not worth falling on our sword over. But some conversations need to be had.

There’s no one-size-fits-all. It depends on what God’s doing in that situation, both in you and in the other person.

With a real threat, intimacy with Jesus, prayer, and good counsel can help you discern whether God’s calling you to move forward, back away, or stand your ground and watch him move.

If you’re going to move forward into a real threat, you need two things: God’s calling and skill.

I grew up in the suburbs north of Los Angeles, with undeveloped fields of brush behind our house. Occasionally we’d get a rattlesnake in our yard. When I was a little boy, I’d run from them. As I grew into a teen, my dad taught me how to kill a rattlesnake with a hoe or a shovel.

Now I have the know-how and the tools to approach a rattlesnake and kill it without risking a life-threatening bite. If you know what you’re doing, it’s not a fair fight. The snake doesn’t have a chance. But if you don’t know what you’re doing, don’t approach a rattlesnake – you’ll get bitten and that’s not the snake’s fault.

My friends would sometimes go snake hunting, overturning rocks in the fields looking for a rattlesnake. Fortunately, they never found one. But I never went with them. I figured that’s the snake’s domain. It’s got a right to live out in the fields where it’s not hurting anybody, and it’s helping keep the rodent population in check.

But if it comes in my yard, that’s a different story. Now I’ve got authority, and that’s a dead snake.

Sometimes Christians, especially intercessors, charge forward into battles they have God’s heart for, but aren’t equipped with either the calling (authority) or the tools and skills to win that battle. John Paul Jackson wrote a great book on this subject, Needless Casualties of War about this very thing (not an affiliate link).

If you move forward into a real threat, make sure you have both the calling and the tools to do so. If you feel a calling but don’t have the tools, talk to godly counsel and learn the tools.

2) A Perceived Threat

This is a tricky one, because to us the perceived threat appears real. We have to stop and ask ourselves, is this a real threat, or am I just perceiving something bad that might happen?

And if it does go bad, what’s the worst that can happen? What would I do in that event? Sometimes having a plan can replace or lower the fear to a point where it’s no longer crippling.

Often, a perceived threat is the enemy trying to back us away from what God is calling us into. When we realize fear is his only weapon, it explains why we feel it so much and where most of it is coming from.

Most of the time, when we discern a perceived (but not real) threat, moving forward cautiously, with a contingency plan, is the right thing to do.

3) A Remembered Threat

Sometimes a remembered threat can bring up more fear than anything else. We’re in a situation that used to be dangerous, where we were harmed before, but is not dangerous now.

Maybe we have the tools and maturity to deal with the situation differently. Maybe we’re at a different stage in life and no longer have to be a victim to an oppressive person or situation.

Maybe we’re giving a bill for our past to someone who has nothing to do with it. For example, if we have a mile’s worth of reaction to an inch’s worth of offense, that’s a clue of a remembered threat.

A remembered threat is different than a real threat where we learned a lesson. The hot stove is still hot; being afraid to touch it counts as a real threat, even if we’re remembering the lesson we learned by touching it last time. It’s still a real threat.

A remembered threat is something that used to be a real threat, but no longer is a threat at all. Remembering trauma can cause this kind of fear. Like getting in the car again after a bad accident.

Realizing we’re dealing with a remembered threat can help us move forward. Often, fear from a remembered threat is God’s signpost that he has a deeper level of healing for us, and he’s inviting us to step forward into it.

Your Turn

Does this resonate? What are your experiences with these types of fear? How did you get through them? Did you move forward or backward? Tell us your story in the comments. And please share this post if it will bless others.

FYI, I learned about the 3 types of fear from Emily P. Freeman on her podcast, “The Next Right Thing.” It is excellent. She usually has short episodes (<15 minutes). I highly recommend it.

Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash

Our 4 Postures in Pain toward God

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When we’re in pain, we often take one of four postures toward God. See if any of these sound familiar. Personally, I’ve done them all.

(1) Hiding from God

Sometimes in our pain, the shame ramps up, and we do anything to not be exposed.

Adam and Eve are the poster children for hiding from God in shame, after they ate the forbidden fruit in Genesis 3. They clothed themselves to hide from each other. And they hid from God. Their shame was in overdrive.

Shame’s lie is, “I am uniquely and fatally flawed. Uniquely – no one’s as bad as me. And fatally – there’s no fixing me.”

Both are lies. In the words of Tenth Avenue North, “you are more than the mess you made.” I write more about this here, but we are not what we do.

The beautiful thing about the Genesis 3 story is God’s response. God didn’t burst into the Garden, tearing off Adam and Eve’s fig leaves, with a vengeful cry of, “I know what you did!” Yet we hide from God because that’s what we expect, and what our shame fears the most.

Instead, he asks questions: “Where are you?” And when Adam admits he was hiding in shame, “Who told you that you were naked? Did you eat from the tree I told you not to?” Then when Adam performs the world’s first blame-shift by throwing Eve under the bus, God asks Eve, “What have you done?”

[Aside: I have a post here, with a 1-page worksheet, about starting a daily practice of answering 4 specific questions God asks us.]

Now, yes, God knew the answers to his questions before he asked them. He wasn’t asking for information. He was asking for relationship. He was asking for connection. His questions were an invitation to Adam and Eve to connect with him in the middle of their sin and their pain.

And, yes, God gives consequences to all involved, Adam, Eve, and the serpent. But it’s fascinating to me who didn’t get a question. The serpent. Because God doesn’t want relationship with him. That ship sailed when Satan rebelled against God and fell from Heaven.

But God asks us questions because he’s inviting us to stop hiding. Into relationship. To bring all of our sin and pain to him in an intimate, connected, relationship. We have a special opportunity that fallen angels do not. I encourage you to take it.

(2) Running from God

Jonah is the poster child for this one. There are times when we know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, what God wants us to do. Or maybe it’s something we know is wrong that we want to do anyway.

Sometimes we know what God wants, and, like Jonah, we intentionally head in the other direction. Running from God is telling him, “No, I’m doing it my way.”

You know Jonah’s story. God told him to go preach repentance to Nineveh, the capital of Assyria, one of Israel’s enemies (who would later destroy the upper kingdom of Israel). Jonah got on a boat going the other direction, was thrown overboard during a storm, and was swallowed by a whale (ok, technically, a huge fish).

It’s a misconception that the whale spit Jonah up on the beach of Nineveh. Jonah actually got spit up back in Israel, where he started. But don’t take my word for it:

  • Jonah 3:1-2 – The Lord tells Jonah (again!) to go to Nineveh. Why would he have to go there if he was already there?
  • Jonah 3:3 – “Jonah obeyed the Lord and went to Nineveh.” Again, the Bible wouldn’t record Jonah going to Nineveh if he was already there.

God gave Jonah a do-over. God had the fish barf him right back where he started from, so Jonah and God could try this again.

When we bolt, in his love and longing for us, God often allows painful situations to bring us back to a place where we can try it again.

And in Jonah chapter 4, when Jonah is angry and arguing with God, God asks Jonah questions.

  • “Have you any right to be angry?” (asked twice in slightly different ways)
  • “Shouldn’t I care about that great city (Nineveh)?”

God doesn’t rebuke Jonah. He invites Jonah into a conversation by asking questions.

If you are running from God, I encourage you to have the conversation with God. Bring all your fear, bring your pain, bring your anger. It’s ok. God can take it. He would rather have the difficult, ugly, messy conversation than see you bolt.

(3) Fighting with God

When I first sat down to read the Book of Psalms, I dreaded it. I thought it would be the most boring book in the whole Bible. “Reading the song lyrics on the jacket without the music. Swell.” But now, having read them, Psalms is my favorite book in the whole Bible.

Because the Psalms are so real life, so raw. The Psalms are more descriptive of real life than prescriptive. God gets us.

Here are some excerpts (my paraphrases, but you get the point):

  • Psalm 2: Why do the nations plot in vain against God? (Anybody following the news lately?)
  • Psalm 3: Everyone’s against me!
  • Psalm 6: I’m worn out from groaning, all night long I flood my bed with tears.
  • Psalm 10: Where are you God? Why are you hiding in times of trouble?
  • Psalm 13: How long, God? Will you forget me forever?!?
  • Psalm 51: Forgive me God!
  • Psalm 77: When I remember God, I groan! (This psalm was portrayed so beautifully in Season 3, Episode 8, of The Chosen.)

And so many more. Yet in all of these desperate psalms, God meets the writer. In the middle of the pain, and the abuse, and the ugliness, and the sin, and the hurt. God wants to walk with us through it.

“Conflict is growth trying to happen.” – Jill Savage

I encourage you to have the confrontation with God. What are you angry about in your life? Have it out with him, he can take it. David, Job, and Jacob, just to name a few, had it out with God. And God did not rebuke them. God met them.

Many psalms are beautiful examples of having it out with God, and through that process, strengthening relationship with him. The psalmist always ends closer to God than when he started. So will you, if you have the conversation.

(4) Seeking God with Trust

Eventually, we want to land here. Hiding and running are ways we avoid seeking God. And fighting with him is a messy way to seek God.

But what if there’s a healthier way?

Jesus modeled a healthy way to seek God in the middle of suffering in Gethsemane. Well, that was Jesus, so it was easy for him! Um, no, not so much. He sweated blood (Luke 22:44). There were no rainbows and unicorns.

Jesus modeled seeking God in a healthy way in the middle of hardship like this:

  • He told God what he wanted. “Take this cup from me.” (Matthew 26:39)
  • He named the messy emotions. “My soul is overwhelmed to the point of death.” (Matthew 26:38)
  • He deferred to God, trusting God’s plan: “Yet not as I will, but as you will.” (Matthew 26:39,42)
  • He received (and accepted!) the supernatural strength to do what he needed to do. An angel from Heaven appeared to him and strengthened him. (Luke 22:43) You will receive the supernatural strength you need too.

But Jesus is God, so he could do that! Yes, Jesus is fully God. But he’s also fully human. In becoming human, Jesus emptied himself of his divinity (Philippians 2:6-8). He did everything as a human, as an example for us. So we can do everything Jesus did, and even greater things (John 14:12), if we have the same relationship with the Father he had, which is available to us who believe through the Holy Spirit.

“We can never be challenged by a negative, but only by the character of God.” – Graham Cooke

In every trial on this earth, God wants to reveal to us, personally, an attribute of himself that we haven’t experienced yet (or at a deeper level than we’ve experienced in the past). So in the midst of trials, can we learn to ask, “Father, what do you want to reveal to me about yourself in this?”

What attribute of God do you need right now?

Your Turn

Does this resonate? In pain, which of these 4 postures do you lean toward? Tell us in the comments. What you have to share will help others. And please share this post with everyone it will bless.

The 4 Questions God Asks Us

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We so often come to God asking questions, looking for answers. And that’s a smart thing to do. He has them. We need his answers, his strategies, his perspective. A heavenly paradigm shift from God changes everything.

But what about when God comes to us for answers? What?!? God knows everything!  Yes, he does. But he values conversation, relationship, and partnership with us so much that he doesn’t just tell us how it is. He asks us questions so we arrive at the answers together with him.

Look at Job

You know the story of Job. When Job lost everything and got a bit angry and uppity with God, Job’s three friends showed up. They didn’t ask him any questions. They didn’t try to understand. They just told him how it was: All the suffering in your life is punishment for something, Job. C’mon, dude, come clean. We knew your success was a scam all along. Now it’s catching up with you!

And they were completely wrong. Totally wrong. They knew nothing about the character of God like Job did.

But when God shows up and speaks to Job out of the whirlwind, God does something really strange. Really counter-intuitive. God, the one person who could tell Job how it is, doesn’t. Instead, he asks Job questions.

“I will question you, and you will answer me.” – God to Job (Job 38:3b)

Now in the questions to Job, since Job had gotten a bit snarky, God gets a bit snarky back. God meets us with what we bring to him.

But the point of this post is that God likes to ask us questions. He cherishes the dialog with us. God wants to not only talk to you, but converse with you.

In particular, there are 4 specific questions God asks us. Reflecting through these 4 questions on a regular basis, at least once a quarter, is a powerful practice. This can help you partner with God to transition into your next season.

Question 1: Where are you?

This is the first recorded question God asks in the Bible. He asked it of Adam and Eve after they ate the forbidden fruit and were hiding from God. God knew where they were. But he wanted conversation with them about what happened.

This is a great question to ask ourselves. Where am I in my life right now? We often don’t stop to even think about it. We’re just wrapped up in all the busy doing.

But stop a minute and give this a thought. Where are you?

Question 2: Do you want to be healed?

Jesus asked this question to the paralytic at the pool of Bethesda (John 5:6). I have a post all about this question here.

Now that you answered Question 1 and know where you are, what do you want Jesus to heal? Stopping a moment and naming what we want God to do in our lives is a powerful practice.

In this partnership with God, it’s important to get clear about what we need God to do, what we can’t do ourselves. What do you need God to fix?

Answering this question is powerful because it:

  1. Names the problem.
  2. Acknowledges that we need God to fix it.

Another way of asking this question is the way Jesus asked Blind Bartimaeus: “What do you want me to do for you?” (Mark 10:51) What do you want Jesus to do in your life?

What do you want Jesus to heal?

Question 3: What do you want?

Wait a minute. I’m allowed to have a want? Yes, you’re allowed to have a want.

Jesus asked this question of two disciples who started following him. Presumably Andrew and Philip, they had formerly followed John the Baptist. Jesus sees them following him, turns and asks them, “What do you want?” (John 1:38)

So often in the church, we’re taught self-sacrifice, laying aside what we want, dying to self. That’s a Christian thing, and it’s good as long as it stays in the proper balance.

Too often though, leaders building their own empires, rather than God’s Kingdom, exploit Christ’s teaching of self-sacrifice. Women, especially, are often treated like second-class citizens.

Even if it was never spoken, have you absorbed the lie that the role of a good Christian is to keep everyone else happy? And have you blended into the background of your own life in order to do that? Have you lost yourself?

Now, please don’t get me wrong. Christianity is certainly not about hedonism, self-centeredness, our pursuing our own agenda at the expense of everyone else around us. The desires from our unredeemed heart are self-destructive, eventually, and don’t please God.

But the desires of our redeemed heart were put there by God. The thing that makes your heart leap, what you’re passionate about, God put that there. It’s connected to the calling on your life.

What do you want?

Question 4: What’s in your hand?

God asked Moses this question at the burning bush (Exodus 4:2).

God was calling Moses to do something bigger than Moses – deliver Israel from Egypt. God was giving Moses Heaven’s strategy for pulling this off. Moses had a shepherd’s staff in his hand, and God showed him how to turn it into a snake and back.

God may not be calling you to lead an oppressed people group across international borders, but God’s calling on your life is bigger than you. That’s why it requires partnership with God.

And Heaven’s strategy for pulling it off starts with what’s already in your hand. What are you already doing? Ask the Holy Spirit for Heaven’s strategy to leverage what you’re already doing as the next right step into your calling.

What’s in your hand?

A Great Conversation Starter with God

Reflecting on these 4 questions is such a powerful conversation starter with God, I’ve put them on a one-page worksheet you can download free and use again and again.

Do it often; at least once a quarter. After you’ve answered all 4 questions, go back and look at your previous answers (from last quarter, or even last year), and see how much you’ve grown, how far you’ve come.

Your Turn

Does this resonate? Did these questions reveal something you didn’t expect? Tell us your story in the comments. And please share this post with everyone it will bless.

The Most Important Person to Get on Your Side

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There is one person that can torpedo everything you do. This person has the power to make sure nothing you try succeeds. In order to step into God’s calling on your life, you have to get this person on your side. Can you guess who it is?

Is It Your Spouse?

No. I know it is painful if your spouse is not on-board with God’s calling on your life, or with your goals in general.

They may have some legitimate issues for you to consider. Or they may be afraid of your success because of their own wounding. Or a combination of both. And no one-size fits all; there may be other things going on.

In any case, it’s worth spending some time communicating with them about your vision, your goals, what you’re trying to accomplish.

You can’t control them, but you can invite them to come on the journey God’s calling you to. But if they just won’t, go anyway. You don’t have to let your spouse derail the calling God has on your life.

I have a powerful one-page resource, How to Deal with a Wet-Blanket Spouse, that can be very helpful. If your spouse always poos-poos, derails, and squashes your dreams and ideas, this is a great place to start. You can download it here.

Is It a Family Member? Close Friend? Mentor? Peers?

Nope. Having these people on your side is important. I’m not belittling having supportive family members, close friends, mentors, and peers. All of these are important, and it’s a blessing if you have them on-board.

But they are not necessary. If you know God is calling you into something specific, you can still step into it without support from any of these people.

Is It God?

This is probably the obvious answer, but no. You don’t have to get God on your side. He already is. That’s what that whole cross thing was about, remember?

Now I’m assuming here that your goal/endeavor is in alignment with God’s Kingdom, character, and principles. If it’s out of alignment, he’s not on the side of that goal and never will be.

But since we’re talking about his calling on your life, that’s in alignment with his Kingdom by definition. So he’s already on your side.

Give up? It’s You! Here Are 2 Ways We Are Not on Our Own Side

Give up yet? The person you have to get on your side is you! If you are not on your own side, everything you try will fail, because you’re sabotaging yourself.

Dave, that doesn’t even make sense! How can I not be on my own side?

I agree it’s counter-intuitive. But here are 2 ways we can sabotage ourselves when we are not on our own side.

(1) Shame. We let our shame shut us down. Shame is never on our side.

Godly guilt says, “I did something wrong.” But shame says, “I am something wrong.” And that’s a lie from the pit of Hell. Jesus died so that shame has no more power over you. You are not what you were. None of us, who are in Jesus, are.

But intellectually understanding that won’t defeat the shame and make it go away. While God doesn’t bring us shame, he defeated our shame on the cross, God uses our shame to show us where he wants to heal us.

Here are some common shame messages (fill in the blanks for you).

  • “Who am I to do _____?”
  • “I could never _____; I’m not qualified!”
  • “No one would listen to me.”
  • “I’m too _____ to ever do that.”
  • Everyone else could do _____ so much better than me.”
  • “I’m not good enough to _____.”

These are clues shame is blocking your calling. And it’s the Holy Spirit’s signal that there’s something underneath shame’s lie that God wants to heal. So do the hard work of finding it and pursuing the healing God has for you.

(2) Our Inner Critic. Do you have a strong inner critic? Our inner critic is not on our side. It doesn’t give us encouraging messages. We need to tame that bugger if we’re ever going to step into God’s calling on our life. Here’s how.

Our inner critic is often a mask for fear. It’s our insides trying to keep us safe, trying to avoid risk, trying to keep us from making a fool of ourselves by putting ourselves out there.

Now, yes, ok, there’s one sense in which the Kingdom of God is safe. Neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, is able to separate us from the love of God (Romans 8:38-39). We are secure in Jesus.

But there’s another sense in which the Kingdom of God is not safe. It changes us. It’s uncomfortable. Sometimes it hurts. But it’s always good.

Nothing worthwhile was ever accomplished by playing it safe.

The problem is, God’s calling on our life isn’t safe. God calls us to something bigger than ourselves, because he wants to partner with us in it.

We have to do our part or we tie God’s hands. But God has to come through on his side or it just doesn’t work. That can be scary. And that’s the place of risk our inner critic is trying to protect us from.

The problem is, if we let our inner critic shut us down, we tie God’s hands and will never know what would have happened if we had gone “all in.”

How to Tame Your Inner Critic

White-knuckling it, trying to “power through,” and just ignoring that inner critic won’t work. It’s a part of you, a part of you that’s scared.

Every part of us deserves to be heard. And if you try to ignore your inner critic, it’ll just keep shouting louder and louder until it cripples you.

Your inner critic gets a seat at the table, but it doesn’t get to run the meeting.

Here’s how to tame that pesky inner critic:

  1. Admit the fear. Name it. “I’m scared of _____.”
  2. Name the worst case scenario. Typically, no one’s going to implode or die.
  3. Treat everything like an experiment. “I’m just trying this.” Best case, it works. Worst case, you learn something. You win either way.

I know people who even name their inner critic. “Ok, Karen, I hear you there. I know you’re just trying to keep me safe. I appreciate your concern. But it’s ok. Nothing catastrophic will happen; I’ve got this. I’m not going ahead blindly. I’m being smart about it.”

Get Yourself on Your Side

So, in conclusion, you get yourself on your own side by:

  1. Pursuing healing for the wounded places shame is trying to hide.
  2. Taming your inner critic.

God has an exciting calling for you. God wants to partner with you for an exciting and impactful life. God is on your side. Are you?

Your Turn

Does this resonate? Tell us your thoughts and your story in the comments. What you have to share will bless others in our community. And please share this post with everyone it will bless.

Why Friendship Is the Foundation of Our Relationship with God

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What’s the most critical part of a building? Why is the Leaning Tower of Pisa leaning? It’s all in the foundation. If the foundation isn’t right, it doesn’t matter how great the rest of the building is. The owner is going to have severe problems.

If the foundation of our relationship with God isn’t built on the right thing, we’re never going to live the abundant life Jesus came to give us (John 10:10). What is your relationship with God based on? What is the foundation?

Before we talk about what should be, here are 3 things that shouldn’t be the foundation of our relationship with God. Unfortunately, while these things are important, churches often teach them as the foundation. That’s a mistake.

(1) Not Obedience

Yes, obedience is important. We can’t love Jesus and live a sinful lifestyle (John 14:15, 1 John 2:3-6, 1 John 3:24). But if obedience is the foundation of our relationship with God, then Christianity is no better than Islam.

And, yes, Jesus ended the Sermon on the Mount with a parable about the foundation of putting his words into practice (Matthew 7:21-23). God’s principles work for whoever uses them; they are a great foundation to build your life on. But obedience to principles shouldn’t be the foundation of our relationship with God.

Churches teach obedience as the foundation when they are building their own Empire, instead of the Kingdom of God. Churches are often so afraid of people’s sin that they try to control it. But God doesn’t control sin; he deals with it. Church is not supposed to be sin management. It’s supposed to be life transformation.

While important, obedience isn’t the foundation of our relationship with God.

(2) Not Belief

Belief is important. Good doctrine is important. Faith is important. And while all are important to our Christian life, none of these should be the foundation.

Many churches have fallen into this trap. Again, if belief and good doctrine are the foundation of our relationship with God, then Christianity is no better than Islam.

Unfortunately in the West, we’ve exalted our intellect, gotten all up in our heads, and made idols out of logic, science, medicine, and technology. There’s nothing wrong with those things when kept in proper perspective.

But when we live like we have it all figured out, we devalue our hearts, which is where God wants to go. Jesus was much more concerned with the heart than the intellect. He said, “My Father will love them, and we will come to them and make our home with them” (John 14:23b). I don’t know anyone who thinks God wants to live in your brain.

Again, Jesus said, “Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also” (Matthew 6:21). He’s concerned more about where our hearts are than our logic and reason.

(3) Not Experience

Experiencing God is important, yes! We can’t say we know someone if we don’t experience them. But experience itself is not the foundation. If experience is our foundation, then Christianity is no better than Buddhism.

I love baseball. I have a great time whenever I go to a game with 20,000 of my closest friends. We share an experience, cheering on our favorite team. I spend several hours there having a great experience. But it’s entertainment. It’s not life-changing.

When we fall into this trap, our churches become entertainment instead of the life transforming hospital they are meant to be. You aren’t typically personal friends with your heart surgeon, even though you’ve had a life-saving experience with him or her.

Our Solid Foundation — Friendship

So what should the foundation of our relationship with God be? Friendship with Jesus.

Many former Christians are “deconstructing” their faith right now (“falling away” in Biblical terms), because, while they had the trappings of Christianity – obedience, belief, and even experience with Jesus – they never had friendship with Jesus. They never had that level of relationship.

“The foundation of our relationship with God is friendship. Friendship is the process of healing.” – Brain Orme

Friendship with God is being on a first name basis. That’s not a lack of respect. It’s asking God, “Hey, what do you think about what’s happening in the world right now?” instead of being told by the godless media what to think. We adopt his perspective, and see past the events and immediate circumstances of our lives.

We talk to him about our job, our family, our hopes and dreams. We share the ups and the downs, and we ask his advice. He’s got opinions. We do life with him, not just visit him for an hour or two on Sunday morning.

Friendship with God heals our orphan-spirit and sends us out as daughters and sons. Churchianity sends out orphans who just build more orphanages.

Friendship with God is a partnership with him for our life. He calls us to uncomfortable, often scary, action. But he promises to be with us; we’re never alone. We’re like a child learning to walk while holding their parents fingers – doing something we’ve never done before, while holding his hand.

So Who’s Your Friend?

What is the foundation of your relationship with God? Obedience? Belief? Experience? Or friendship? Did this post challenge you to think differently? Tell us in the comments; we want to hear from you. What do you think? And please share this post if it would bless others.

Credit where Credit Is Due

The concepts in this post come from the Face to Face podcast, hosted by Cathy Little and Melinda Wilson; in particular; Episode 107, an interview with Brian Orme, author of The Ascended Life (not affiliate links). I highly recommend their podcast.

4 Ways to Deescalate Conflict

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If you’ve been watching The Chosen, you’ve seen a brilliant (fictitious) example of Jesus de-escalating conflict in Season 3 Episode 8. Spoiler Alert: If you haven’t seen it, go watch it, then come back and read this post.

[Aside: If you’re new to The Chosen, it’s a multi-season show about the life of Christ through the eyes of the people who met him. It’s professionally done (not another cheesy Bible project). And I’ve never seen any show or movie that captures the heart of Jesus like this one does. I highly recommend it. But you have to watch it from the beginning, Season 1 Episode 1, or you won’t get it. You can watch the whole thing for free by downloading the free The Chosen app.]

As usual, even the fictitious scenes in The Chosen reflect Biblical principles. The writers did a brilliant job showing Jesus deescalate a potentially violent situation between 4 different rival ethnic groups, all at odds with each other.

A Little Brain Science

First, a little science about how our brains work in conflict situations. Here’s a short 90-second video of the “hand-brain model,” using your hand as a model for the brain.

Our brain’s cerebral cortex, where our rational thought takes place, is a very slow processor. In conflict, we don’t have time for that, so it goes off-line, leaving our decision making to our hypothalamus (where our emotions live) and our brain stem (fight or flight).

This is how God wired us as humans to survive in dangerous situations.

But to successfully navigate conflict, we need everybody involved to get out of fight-or-flight mode and back into their cerebral cortex, so we can have a rational conversation.

A Disclaimer

My assumption going in is that everyone involved is more healthy than toxic. If you’re dealing with a narcissist, or someone else who’s more toxic than healthy, these techniques may not work. A narcissist is only interested in winning. They don’t really want to solve the problem; they just want their way.

When you’re dealing with someone who’s more toxic than healthy, what you say doesn’t matter. Only what you do matters; actions are the only language they understand. If that’s your situation, I strongly recommend getting counseling to learn the tools you need to deal with it effectively and safely.

But for people who are more healthy than toxic, these techniques can go a long way.

Here are 4 actions we can take to de-escalate conflict, with (mostly!) healthy people, as much as it depends upon us. These do not go in any particular order. They can repeat. And in any given situation, you might do only one, a couple, or all of them.

(1) Take a Non-Threatening Posture

As Jesus and the disciples are surrounded by these rival groups shouting at each other and mocking him, he does the most counter-intuitive thing possible.

He sits down. And although they reluctantly sit with him, his disciples aren’t happy about it. There are angry, rival groups standing around them. When the disciples point out to Jesus that “we look weak and defenseless,” Jesus just smiles. Because that’s the point.

In a conflict, people are tense and ramped-up because they’re scared. They feel threatened. Taking a non-threatening posture can alleviate the tension, inviting the other person (or people) to ramp-down, because there is no threat.

This doesn’t mean you have to physically sit down. In fact, everyone may already be sitting, but still be spun-up because of the emotional threat they anticipate in the conversation. Ask the Holy Spirit how to take a non-threatening posture in your situation, either physically or verbally. It might mean taking the actions below.

(2) Ask Questions without Judging the Answers

Questions are a brilliant way of slowing people down. They move people out of fight-or-flight mode because their cerebral cortex is required to answer the question. Questions, and you waiting patiently for the answer, slow people down, inviting their cerebral cortex to come back online.

Several times in this scene, Jesus asks questions. Questions are a great way to help everyone involved establish the facts of what actually happened in the situation causing the conflict. Questions communicate respect by giving everyone a chance to answer and be heard. And communicating respect lowers the perceived threat-level, inviting the other person’s cerebral cortex to come back online.

Here are some pro tips for asking good questions:

  • Don’t ask yes or no questions. No cerebral cortex required for that. Ask open-ended questions.
  • Wait for the other person to answer. Get comfortable with dead air. Don’t jump in to break an uncomfortable silence. Once you ask a question, let them speak next.

(3) Tell Stories

Jesus was a genius at storytelling. Word pictures, analogies, and parables invite the other person to move from fight-or-flight move into ponder mode. You can’t think through a word picture with your amygdala; you need your cerebral cortex for that.

The Chosen writers expertly weave many of Jesus’ parables into this scene.

Ask the Holy Spirit for a word picture that describes your side of the conflict, particularly one that communicates how you feel.

(4) Look for Opportunities to Meet a Need

In this fictitious scene, Jesus heals a man with a broken leg. This gets the respect of the rival groups, and they all sit down and listen to him. Then Jesus proceeds to sort out the conflict with questions and stories.

You may not have the opportunity to do a miracle. Or you may; the Holy Spirit still invites us into the miraculous today. But is someone in the room hurting because of an unmet need?

I guarantee you this: When they came into the conflict, they did not expect anyone in the room to meet their need voluntarily; they were ready to fight for it.

If you meet a need, even a small one that’s not the subject of the conflict, it greatly lowers the perceived level of threat. Ask the Holy Spirit what need you can meet. It could be as simple as offering a blanket because they look cold. Or a glass of water before you start.

Your Turn

Does this resonate? Have you used, or seen used, any of these techniques to de-escalate conflict? Tell us your story in the comments. And please share this post if it would bless others.

How to Not Starve on Relationship Breadcrumbs

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Thomas just wanted peace in his home. That’s a good thing, isn’t it? He lived in constant fear of his wife leaving. All she had to do to get her way was yell at him, and he’d capitulate. Even if he knew it wasn’t the right thing, he did whatever was necessary to keep the peace. He lost the fire in his heart a long time ago, sacrificing the vision that made his heart soar for peace in his home.

Vanessa just wanted a peaceful holiday meal. Can everybody just get along for 6 hours? At least pretend to? She went out of her way to make something everyone liked, have activities everyone liked, and be the buffer between certain family members who apparently thrive on conflict. But everyone seemed to take for granted all her efforts to keep the peace. She’d long forgotten what she actually enjoyed.

Thomas and Vanessa have something in common. They’ve both sacrificed themselves for the sake of others to an extreme. To the point where they’ve forgotten who they themselves are and what makes their heart sing. They are both peace keepers.

But didn’t Jesus say in Matthew 5:9, “Blessed are the peace keepers?” No, he didn’t. He totally did not. That verse actually says, “Blessed are the peace makers, for they will be called sons of God.” Did you catch that? Peace makers not peace keepers. What’s the difference?

Peace keepers abandon what they know to be true, God’s calling on their life, even their very identity, for the sake of peace. To a peace keeper, the world is coming to an end if someone’s mad. The pain of someone being angry with them is too great. I know. I did this for decades. Having someone angry at me was excruciating because I believed the lie that it was my fault and hence I wasn’t lovable.

Peace keepers live in fear. Fear of the other person terminating the relationship. Fear of being yelled at. Fear of it being all their fault. They are starving for whatever relationship breadcrumbs the other person decides to throw their way.

Peace keepers surrender what they know is right for the sake of peace. But some peace isn’t worth having. If that peace is based on selfish desires—instant gratification—the things of our old sinful nature, that peace is a false peace not worth having. That’s not peace.

Peace is not just the absence of conflict. Peace is a Kingdom of God thing. It’s got to do with rest. Confidence. Security. And the foundational knowledge that God is with you because you’re moving in what he’s called you to do. You’re living life his way.

Peace makers go hard after God’s calling on their life. They won’t compromise it. But they aren’t a jerk about it either. They don’t try to manipulate or force others into it. They find a way to communicate it and, if need be, pursue it in spite of opposition, even from family. They invite their family and their inner circle to come along.

Peace makers invite peace. They don’t surrender for it. It’s neither capitulation, manipulation, nor aggression. It’s an invitation.

“I know God is leading me this way, and my hand is open to you, inviting you to come along. You don’t have to come, although I hope you do. But whether you do or not, that’s where I’m going.” –Invitation of a Peace Maker

But aren’t we supposed to surrender? Didn’t Jesus say, “deny yourself?” Yes, he did, and I love Luke 9:23: “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.” I have that book-marked in my Bible. That’s one of my favorite verses.

But don’t it get twisted to mean something Jesus never intended. What are you denying yourself for? What Jesus has called you to, not to please people. Who are we supposed to surrender to? Jesus—not some bully.

The good news is, you can totally move from peace keeper to peace maker. I paid a price for making this move. The bullies in my life were not happy they could no longer control me, and some of them painfully ended relationship. They were fine with the Dave who would sacrifice everything for them, but not so much with the Dave who spoke life and learned to say “no.” It was very painful and still is.

But it’s so worth it to boldly step out into what God has for you and darn the torpedoes. Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not advocating being stupid. I’m advocating boldness, not brashness. I’m no longer living in fear. Walking out God’s vision in our life is the most exhilarating adventure ever.

Here are 2 tips that helped me move from a fearful peace keeper to a bold peace maker. If you’re a peace keeper, I pray they help you as well.

1) Not everyone’s point-of-view is equally valid.

I came into every conversation thinking the other person wanted to legitimately solve the problem like I did. I assumed they were pursuing, not their own agenda, but what was mutually best for everyone like I was. Unfortunately, and I found this out the hard way, that’s not always true.

Some people don’t enter into an argument to find what’s best, they are just trying to win. Do not give these people’s point-of-view the same weight as your own. That sounds unfair, but believe me, they are not giving your point-of-view the time of day. They are just trying to win. They don’t care about what’s good, right, and true.

Although they appear self-confident, deep down some people are very insecure and very self-condemning. They are believing a lot of foundational lies about themselves, and they are trying to protect their own heart through controlling you and everything else.

You can recognize these people by a few tell-tale signs:

  • They take disagreement as a personal attack.
  • In general, they don’t sacrifice for anybody.

2) The world is not coming to an end because someone is angry with you.

You don’t have to walk on egg shells. You don’t have to wear kid gloves. You deserve to be treated like a human being, even if you’re wrong. You deserve to be respected by the other person even when they disagree with you.

Choose to require respect. Don’t demand it or be a jerk about it. Don’t escalate the situation to their level. Instead, here’s some ways to require respect.

  • Have the conversation in a public place, like a coffee shop or a restaurant, or even a park with people around. There is much more social pressure on the other person to be respectful and not make a scene than when you’re in private. A coffee shop or a Paneras-like restaurant is better, because you pay up-front and don’t have your check holding you there (see below).
  • Say something like this: “I want to have this conversation with you, but you can’t talk to me like that. We can try again when you’re ready to treat me with respect.” Then simply walk out of the room (if you’re at home) or get in your car and drive away (if you’re in a public place). Don’t let their cat-calls stop you. Once you decide to leave, go.

If you’re doing your best to follow Jesus and not pursue your own selfish agenda, denying yourself for the sake of the calling on your life, then, in general, their anger is not your fault. They have a choice of how they respond. So do you.

You are allowed to make honest mistakes. It’s called learning. You are allowed to even be wrong. It’s called being human. You still deserve love and respect.

You deserve love and respect because you are valuable to God, not because of what you do or provide.

Don’t starve begging for relationship breadcrumbs. You are worth the whole 4-course meal.

Did this post touch a chord? Did it resonate? Tell us your story in the comments. And please share on social media if it would bless someone else.

How to Tell if You’re Motivated by Wounding or Calling

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Everything we do in life is driven by one of these two things. At the end of the day, these are the only two motivations in the human experience. Everything we do is driven by either our wounding or our calling. Here’s an example.

Bob and Ted both help their church one Saturday morning a month serving breakfast at the local homeless shelter. They both get up at 5:00 AM, so they can be at the shelter by 6:00 to have breakfast ready for the residents at 7:00. They’re both happy to do whatever’s needed—scrambling dozens of eggs, cooking bacon, toasting slices and slices of toast, washing dishes, talking to and praying with the residents. Both are faithful. Both feel great afterwards, having been blessed with the opportunity to serve. But while they both look exactly the same from the outside, there’s a big difference inside.

Driving home, Bob is jazzed. He feels so good. For a few brief, shining moments, he feels good about himself, having done something good. Maybe that compensates for all his failures. Maybe, for a few hours, that’ll drown out the shame that just won’t let him go. Bob is serving out of his wounding.

Meanwhile, Ted is driving home, and he’s also jazzed. He feels so good. When he’s eating and talking with the shelter residents, he identifies with them. He doesn’t see a dirty homeless man. He sees a broken heart. He sees potential. He sees God’s hand of anointing and purpose on these precious people who have been so deceived and beaten up by the world. And Ted feels privileged to be with them, to tell them the truth of who they really are, how much they’re loved by God, and to pray with them. Ted’s high will last for days. Ted is serving out of his calling.

Do you see the difference? Both are doing the same actions. Both look exactly the same on the outside. Both get good feelings out of it (which is the outworking of a Kingdom principle, BTW. You can control your emotions by serving.) [https://identityinwholeness.com/how-to-control-your-emotions/]

But their motivations are totally different. Bob is serving for the benefit to himself. He’s medicating pain. He may or may not feel guilted into it, but either way, his wounding pushes him to serve. Ted, on the other hand, is serving for the benefit of the people he’s serving. He feels drawn to them. His calling pulls him into serving. He can’t not serve.

Let’s look at another example.

Bob and Ted both get home after the homeless shelter feeding and get their daughters ready for swim practice at the local pool. Their kids are both on the same swim team, and both Bob and Ted are very involved in helping the coach with the team.

Bob was a swimmer in his youth and a strong contender for the Olympics, until the injury. That ended that. But his daughter has an opportunity to succeed where Bob failed. So he pushes her to swim harder, faster, better. And he doesn’t understand why she seems to resent all he’s sacrificing so she can have this opportunity. Going to swim meets all over the country isn’t cheap. He’s living vicariously through his daughter. His wounding is pushing him and his daughter. This movie doesn’t end well. Maybe you’ve seen it. Maybe you’ve lived it.

Ted, on the other hand, can think of a thousand other things he’d rather be doing than spending Saturday at the pool. Mowing the lawn, mending that fence, trimming the roses. He loves being outside, and doesn’t look forward to spending another Saturday indoors at the pool smelling chlorine all day.

But from birth, his daughter was as comfortable in the water as she was on land. No one had to teach her how to blow bubbles in the bathtub, or to put her face under the water. She just did it naturally. She was almost swimming before she could walk. Ted realized something about his child: God hard-wired her to swim. So he silently sacrifices his Saturdays because he knows that as her father it’s his calling to gently guide her into who God created her to be.

Do you see the difference? Again, Bob and Ted look exactly the same from the outside. They both go to all their daughter’s swim practices and swim meets. They both help out the coach with the team however they can. But their inner motivations are totally different. Pushed by his wounding, Bob is doing it for himself, in a fruitless attempt to ease the pain. But Ted is pulled by his calling. He can’t not be there for his daughter, for her sake—not for his.

Both are driven. But while Bob is pushed by his wounding, Ted is pulled by his calling. And that’s how you can tell whether you’re being motivated by your wounding or by your calling. Wounding pushes you—guilt, shame, medicating pain. But calling pulls you—drawing you forward, wooing you, to the point that once you start thinking “what if…” you can’t not pursue it.

So what if I discover I’m being driven by my wounding? Do these 4 simple steps.

1) Admit it. Stop pretending otherwise.

2) Name the wounding. You have power over what you can put a label on.

3) Get help. There’s no shame wearing a cast on a broken leg. There’s no shame getting counseling for broken emotions. Everyone needs help at some point. Talk to your pastor, a professional counselor, a mature and godly parent, or a trusted friend. Or all of them. You need all the tools in the toolbox. But, please, talk to somebody.

4) Embrace this season of healing. You can get free. Healing is out there. Pursue it. Don’t give up. God wants to bring you freedom, so you can set others free. You have authority over what you’ve been set free from.

Once you’re walking in freedom rather wounding, you may realize your calling is totally different from what you thought. Whole new worlds may open up to you.

Or, you may have been pursuing your calling all along, but your wounding is like dragging an iron ball chained to your leg—so you can’t run very fast. Once you get some healing, maybe you’ll feel a new freedom and ease to chase the calling you never believed was possible.

Caveat: Healing comes in waves. This may not be your last season of healing. Healing hurts, so out of his mercy God gives us as much as we can handle at any one time. So don’t be surprised if, after years of living motivated by your calling, you suddenly discover there’s still some wounding there. Don’t be discouraged—God’s getting ready to upgrade you again! Bonus!

How about you? Are you operating out of your wounding, or out of your calling? Have you ever realized, after getting some healing, your calling was totally different from what you thought it was? Have you gone through seasons of healing? How did each give you another level of freedom? We’d love to hear your story in the comments or in an email. And please share if this would bless someone else.

Free Resources:

Do you know God wants to talk directly to you? Do you have trouble hearing him? Find out how to hear God with Dave’s free ebook “Hearing God and What’s Next: 12 Ways to Hear God, 3 Things to Do about It, and 6 Ways to Know You’re Not Crazy.”

Does your heart need healing? Learn the steps to inner healing with Jesus through a fun and engaging fictional story. Download Dave’s free ebook “The Runt: A Fable of Giant Inner Healing.”