Letting Go of What We Love That’s Killing Us

/0 Comments/in , , /by

Sometimes we hang onto things that hold us back from our God-given destiny. They hold us back from the very thing we were created for and would be happiest doing. But we love those things and can’t let go.

These things have a name in scripture, but it’s a name our modern world doesn’t like. It’s an extremely offensive name, by today’s sensibilities. It’s certainly not politically correct. Many churches have even stopped using this name for things, to the great harm of their congregants. That name is this: Sin.

Sometimes we hang onto our sin like our lives depended on it, when in fact the opposite is true. In reality, our lives depend on letting it go.

Usually we know what it is, but sometimes it’s hidden. Here’s a clue. If there’s something in your life where you say, “Lord, you can have anything but this one thing! Can’t I just have this one thing?” You’ve probably found it. It’s possible it’s not even a bad thing, in and of itself; for example, watching sports.

But if it’s an idol in our lives, then it’s sin for us. If we sacrifice serving others for it, then to us it’s sin. If we sacrifice intimacy with Jesus for it, then it’s sin in our lives, and it’s silently destroying us.

Or not so silently. Often, we think we’re hiding it pretty well, when the only one we’re fooling is ourselves. Everyone else knows. We might as well admit it.

How to Get Rid of It

Remember at the beginning of Lord of the Rings (specifically The Fellowship of the Ring) when Bilbo the hobbit is about to leave the Shire? He’s leaving his fancy hobbit-hole and all his possessions to his nephew Frodo. Although he also intends to leave his magic ring behind, he has great difficulty doing so.

In this scene, you and I are Bilbo, and the ring represents sin in our lives that we want to let go off. But it’s hard. Gandalf represents Jesus, the Holy Spirit, and God the Father.

Friendly Reminders

Bilbo’s got his backpack on and is ready to leave the Shire for good. Gandalf asks him if he’s leaving everything to Frodo, even the ring. “Yes, of course,” answers Bilbo. “The ring’s in an envelope on the mantle for Frodo. Oh wait, it’s here in my pocket.”

Even though Bilbo intended to leave the ring for Frodo, he still had it in his pocket. While we often desire to let go of our sin, our good intentions mean nothing by themselves. Our actions are what change our lives for the better, or the worse.

Gandalf asked Bilbo where the ring is. It’s only then that Bilbo realizes he still has it in his pocket. The Holy Spirit starts by giving us gentle, friendly reminders.

Self-Justification and Rationalization

Then, confronted with the fact that he’s not following through on his commitment to leave the ring behind, Bilbo starts to justify himself. “Why shouldn’t it be in my pocket? It’s mine. It came to me after all. Why shouldn’t I keep it? It’s precious to me.”

This is very unlike Bilbo. He is beginning to display the character of the ring, rather than himself. When we refuse to let go of the sin God is pointing out in our lives, it will infect our character. The character of the sin will be on display in our lives, hi-jacking who God created us to be.

Gandalf is very concerned, because this is not like Bilbo. He knows the ring is not good for Bilbo. And while he certainly has the power to take it from Bilbo, he also knows Bilbo has to choose to give it up himself. Otherwise, it would continue to have power over Bilbo like it does over Gollum. Forced from him, it would continue to pull Bilbo toward it. This is why religion can’t free you from sin. Only your repentance, freely given and not guilted out of you, can do that.

Far too many of our churches operate under law. But that just drives our sin underground. We get sneakier about hiding it. We pretend we’re working on it. But we never actually let it go.

Anger and Accusation

Gandalf does not like the way things are going and has to say something. “I think you’ve had that ring quite long enough.”

No condemnation, just simple truth. The Holy Spirit will do that. Because presenting truth presents a choice.

Bilbo chooses to get angry. “What business is it of yours what I do with my own things? You just want it for yourself!” Do we do that? Do we accuse God to distract from the truth about us?

Gandalf changes. The room gets dark and he grows big. “Bilbo Baggins! I am not trying to rob you!” This shocks Bilbo out of his self-deceptive spell. Sometimes God has to do this. Sometimes God allows difficult circumstances in our lives to shock us out of our self-justification and denial.

Gandalf shrinks again and the room lightens up. “I am trying to save you,” says Gandalf as compassionately as he can. “Trust me as you once did.”

Bilbo tears up and hugs Gandalf. “I’m sorry, Gandalf! You are right, of course. The ring will go to Frodo.”

The Final Letting Go

“Well, that’s a relief!” says Bilbo. “All right then, I’m off. Goodbye Gandalf!” Bilbo starts to walk out the door.

“Bilbo,” reminds Gandalf, “the ring is still in your pocket.” The choice is still Bilbo’s. But Gandalf won’t let him “accidentally” walk off with the ring. The Holy Spirit will do this, giving us as many reminders as we need. God’s not going to let us “accidentally” keep our sin. If we decide to keep it, he’s going to make sure we know it’s a conscious choice.

Bilbo takes the ring out of his pocket. While slightly different than the book, director Peter Jackson did such a phenomenal portrayal of this in the movie. Bilbo puts the ring on the flat palm of his hand. Begrudgingly, slowly, he turns his hand so the ring can fall to the floor.

But the ring clings to Bilbo’s hand far past the point when natural gravity would have taken it. The ring doesn’t want to leave Bilbo, and it’s hanging on for all it’s worth. Sin does that with us. It doesn’t want to leave. It makes itself very heavy and hard to let go of.

Finally, gravity does take over and the ring falls from Bilbo’s hand to the floor. Bilbo is free! And you can tell in his countenance that he feels 100 pounds lighter.

That’s what repentance does for us. That’s when freedom comes. And we feel a million pounds lighter, wondering why we fought so hard to hang onto our sin. Although the Holy Spirit helps us, at the end of the day, the choice is ours.

Your Turn

Have you experienced these different stages? Are you still fighting through one or more of them? Tell us your story in the comments or shoot us an email. And please share this post if it would bless others.

How to Talk to Your Heart

/15 Comments/in , , /by

We often have this false idea in the Western world that the battle’s all in the mind, that it’s all about how we think. If that were true, why do people smoke, do drugs, drink excessively, eat excessively, and do all sorts of things they know is bad for them? There must be something else going on.

The problems in our mind often lead to bad fruit, but the root of our problems is often not in our mind at all, but in our heart.

So often in the church we minister to people’s behavior, because that’s the low-hanging, bad fruit. It’s visible. It’s obvious. It’s clearly a problem. But that just leads to sin management, not real transformation. We have to minister to the root.

The root is often at the heart. In Western culture, in our arrogance, we’ve exalted our intellect at the expense of our heart. Yes, our thoughts are important, and we want to develop the skill of taking every thought captive to Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5). There is a battle in the mind for sure. But that’s the effect, not the cause. The foundational battle is in the heart, and often it shapes our behavior and our thinking more than our mind does.

Jesus agrees with me. He says in Matthew 15:19, “For out of the heart come evil thoughts—murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander.”

You catch that? Those are all behavioral problems he just mentioned, and he didn’t say they came from bad theology or wrong thinking. They come from the heart. The bad theology and wrong thinking is just our brain rationalizing what’s already in our heart.

And again, Jesus says in Luke 6:45, “A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.”

Jesus thought the heart was pretty important.

Ever have a mile’s worth of negative reaction over an inch of offense? Ever been like, “Where’d that come from?” And then we’re all embarrassed and ashamed because we reacted so strongly when we know that strong of a reaction wasn’t merited? I’ve done that, been there, got the tee-shirt. That’s a clue there’s a heart issue going on.

Often when we’re hurting, or addressing bad fruit in our lives, the most important conversation we can have is with our heart. We have so played-down our hearts and dishonored our hearts, while they are so wounded. A good way to start healing is to honor our heart by learning to listen to it.

So how do you talk to your heart? It may look different for you, but this is how I do it. I ask these four questions:

  1. Heart, why are you hurting, what wounded you?
  2. Heart, how did that make you feel?
  3. Heart, what did you come to believe? About yourself? Others? God?
  4. Ok, Heart, then what did you vow to protect yourself?

I put my hand over my heart, just because it helps me focus. Then I say (preferably out loud if I’m in a safe space like my car or some other private place), “Heart, why are you afraid?” or “Heart, why are you hurting?” And then I listen.

This is listening, so you have to protect the quiet. My brain, always trying to help, jumps in with all sorts of answers, “because of this,” or “because of that.” I have to tell my brain, “Shut up, I’m not talking to you.” Then I go back to quiet, listening to my heart.

Sometimes answers are immediate, but sometimes I have to wait anywhere between a few minutes or a few days. Sometimes even a few weeks, but I keep asking. It’s not that my heart’s not answering, it’s that I’m hard-of-heart-hearing. Sometimes it’s hard for me to hear my heart. For some of us, this is a completely foreign concept.

To talk to our heart, we have to unlearn a bunch of stuff we’ve learned. Like, “all meaning can be expressed in words.” Not! Our heart learned to talk a long time before our brain did. And when our heart learned to talk, we didn’t have verbal language yet. That’s why 90% of all communication is non-verbal. It’s heart-speak.

So our heart doesn’t always talk in words. Sometimes a memory will pop up. Your heart is telling you the answer is because “this” happened.

Our brain can help if we train it to. For example, I’ve dealt at various times with different levels of self-hatred. I had a very good Christian childhood and my parents loved me. And my siblings, two brothers 10 years older than me, also loved me and were very good to me. I had no trauma growing up. But because of a deep-rooted self-hatred I didn’t even know was there, I made some poor choices in my life because I didn’t think I deserved any better. So I recently was trying to figure out where that came from.

So I asked my heart, “Heart, what’s your wound?” Crickets. I was having trouble hearing my heart. That’s not a question it necessarily wants to answer, and hearing your heart is hard anyway. So I let my brain help, giving my heart a multiple-choice question instead of an essay question.

“I was bullied.” Nothing. Nope that’s not it.

“My parents weren’t proud of me.” Nothing. I know that’s not true, that lie has no power over me.

“I was a mistake.” Sudden strong emotion! Where’d that come from? I had to fight back an audible cry in the car. Bingo! That’s the wound. My two brothers were 10 years older than me, and I thought I was a mistake.

Now I was onto something. So I probed deeper, and now the answers came quickly. “Heart, how did that make you feel?” Unloved.

“Heart, what did you come to believe?” No one will love me.

“Heart, what did you vow to protect yourself?” I will make everyone happy so they love me.

That explains so much! My mom told me as a baby I’d cackle or coo or do whatever made the person holding me smile.

My dad told me, as a 2-year old, they only had to tell me once to not touch the expensive figurines on the coffee table, and I wouldn’t. He said he’d never seen another child like me.

These sound like good things, but they were a child trying to earn love because he believed a foundational lie. It lead to some bad choices later on.

Since I’ve learned what the wound was, what the foundational lie was, it’s been much easier to deal with. Now when I have thoughts of self-hatred, I call out the lie and replace it with God’s truth. “No, I’m not a mistake. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. God’s works are wonderful, I know that full well.” (That’s Psalm 139:14, BTW. If you struggle with self-hatred, internalize Psalm 139. It’s the anti-self-hatred psalm.)

So what about you? Talk to your heart lately? Do you need to? Try this out and let us know how it goes in comments or shoot us email. We’d really love to hear from you. And please share this if you think it would help someone else.

BTW, the concepts in this post come from the Identity and Destiny seminar by Sandra Sellmer-Kersten, from Elijah House Ministries – Australia. If you liked this post, you’ll love this DVD series, available here. FYI, this is *not* an affiliate link; I get no commission if you click or buy. But you will get a tremendous, life transformation, like I did. I cannot recommend this series highly enough.

A Tale of Two Sons

/4 Comments/in , , /by

This post is based about Jesus’ parable of The Prodigal Son.

If you’re not familiar with it, read it first here.

Here’s my paraphrase of this story:

Younger son wants his due.
He wants it now.
It’s his just right.
Just ask him, he’ll tell you.

Father knows best.
But consents to give worst because
He knows younger son needs to discover for himself.
Discover the poison of his own desires.
Discover the selfishness of his own heart.
Discover that he’s hurting himself.
Discover he had it best with his Father.

So Father gives and waits and watches.
And waits and watches and waits and watches.
Younger son repents in the pig slop.
Father flies to him and restores.
Yes! Father’s heart cry is heard and fulfilled.

Older son wants his due.
He wants it now.
It’s his earned right.
Just ask him, he’ll tell you.

Father knows best.
Entreats his son who does his work
To also have his heart.
No! Father’s heart cry unheard by a deaf heart.

Who’s the main character in this story, The Prodigal Son (Luke 15:11-32)? Which son is this story really about? The younger son, whose rebellion we so readily identify with? Or the older son, too stuck in religion, too busy doing his father’s work to have his father’s heart?

Neither son! Trick question! This story’s about the Father and his heart for both of his sons. The Father is the main character.

The Younger Son Trapped in Rebellion

The younger son didn’t know who he was. He was rebellious and selfish, without love for his Father. His inheritance is what he would get when his Father died. Asking for it while his Father was still alive was saying, “I wish you were dead! You’re dead to me!”

He was deceived by living in the pleasure of the moment. It took a hard crash in the pig slop for him to come to his senses. To the younger son, the Father says, “Son, your sin has separated you from me and it’s breaking my heart. But I’m waiting. And when you turn, I’ll carry you back.”

That’s where the analogy breaks down, because God does more than just wait. In the movie Furious Love by Darren Wilson, Associate Pastor Kris Vallotton from Bethel Church in Redding, CA, describes God’s passionate love like this:

I’ve watched that over and over and over in people’s lives, where they go, “I don’t like God anymore.” Something terrible happens in their life, maybe their spouse dies or they lose a child, or all the crazy stories we hear, and they go, “That’s God’s fault, I blame God for that.” And they walk away. But God goes, “I still love you. I still care about you. And I will set up circumstances so that you will have to try very hard to not love me back. Because, in this marriage, I’m the bridegroom and you’re the bride. And in this marriage, I’m the one pursuing you. I’m the male in this relationship; I’m the pursuer. And I love you way more than you love me. You can try to reject me and play hard to get, but you have no idea how hard it’s going to be to not love me.”

God doesn’t just wait. He meddles. Constantly.

The Older Son Trapped in Religion

The older son didn’t know who he was, either. He was a loyal employee, with no more love for his Father than his younger brother. He was trying to earn by hard work what he already had by inheritance. And he wasn’t longing to celebrate with his Father, but with his buddies, deceived by the promise of earning future pleasure.

To the older son, the Father says, “Son, everything I have is yours and always has been. You can celebrate with me anytime you want. I am so here for you. But you’ve been too preoccupied doing my work to have my heart. I would rather have intimacy with you than 100 acres more crops.”

God is looking for lovers.

So often we minister out of our wounding, rather than out of intimacy with the Father. Ministering out of wounding, we can pursue the wrong calling and miss what he really had for us. How tragic to have spent a lifetime sacrificing and pursuing the wrong calling, constantly wondering why nothing’s working!

God is looking for lovers. It’s only in experiencing the ecstasy of intimacy relating to Jesus and the Father’s heart that we know who we really are and what we’re really for.

Your Turn

Do you want his heart? Will you give him yours? Which son have you been? Tell us your story in the comments, and share this post if it would bless others.

The Missing Attribute of God

/9 Comments/in , /by

In every situation, no matter how jacked up it is, the thing we need in the heat of that moment is an attribute of God. In fact, God intentionally engineers every negative situation, and every encounter with difficult people, to show us and teach us another attribute of himself.

In the Bible, showing means knowing. In the Bible, there’s no knowledge without experience. In Hebrew thought, and in the Kingdom of God, there’s no such thing as head-knowledge, there’s no such thing as academic knowledge, there’s only experiential knowledge. In fact, the Hebrews had a word for someone with head-knowledge but without experiential knowledge, and that word is all over the book of Proverbs – Fool.

Do you know God is patient? All of us would say “yes”. But am I patient? If I’m not, then I really don’t know God is patient. Do we know God is merciful? All of us would say yes. But do you show mercy, or do you rejoice when people get what’s coming to them? If we laugh and say, “That’s what you get!” then we really don’t know God is merciful.

Take mercy for an example. God will teach us his mercy by putting us in (1) situations where we experience it, and (2) other situations where we get to practice it. Maybe someone will wrong us and we’ll be justified in letting them have it. But maybe we’ll hear the Holy Spirit say to let love cover over this one. Maybe God will give us his heart for that person, that difficult boss, that frustrating co-worker, and we’ll understand their wounding and practice mercy.

I have Graham Cooke to thank for this topic. In his Living Your Truest Identity audio series, Graham asks, What if we can never be challenged by a negative? What if we can only be challenged by the fruit of the spirit? What if, for example, you’re not really frustrated, you just don’t know how to be patient (or self-controlled, or whatever fruit of the spirit or attribute of God he wants to teach you next). What if God actually engineered that frustrating situation because he wants to give you his patience?

I think Graham Cooke has a good point. We are created in the image of God. So if there’s no, say, frustration in God, then there shouldn’t be any in us either. (Actually there is frustration in God – read the OT prophets to see what God gets frustrated about – being out of relationship with his beloved people, even us.) But the point is, if God’s not frustrated at this situation or at this person, if God’s heart for this situation or for this person is not frustration – and we’re created in the image of God – then we must not really be frustrated either, even though we’re acting like it out of our own wounding.

So God is using this frustrating situation or person to move us out of believing the lies brought on by our wounding and our fear, and into the healing and freedom brought by believing his truth. The cure for wounding is healing. The cure for fear is freedom. God wants to give us both, and he does it by expanding who we are into who he is. When we come to understand the character of God, not just in general but specifically for this situation, we understand what attribute of God he engineered this situation to give us.

That’s how Romans 8:28 can say that God works in all things for the good of those who love him. All situations are designed to teach us an attribute of God. All of his attributes are good. Therefore, yes, he’s working for good in all things, because all things are engineered to show us one of his attributes.

Does this resonate? Share an instance in the comments where God used a difficult situation or a difficult person to show you more of himself. Or share a situation you’re currently struggling with – what attribute of God do you need? And please share this on Facebook (or your favorite social media) if it blessed you – just click the share buttons below.

How We Get Trapped and How We Get Free

/0 Comments/in , , /by

The worst bondages are the ones we don’t realize we have. We’ve been like this so long, it seems normal. But it’s not normal. Bondages keep us from living our best life, and Jesus has healing for us. But to live in his freedom, we need to understand how we get trapped and how we get free.

Here’s the essence of inner healing in a nutshell.

How We Get Trapped

Typically, someone sins against us. That is not our fault. Never. Maybe you were abused, lied to, betrayed, rejected, abandoned, or something worse. No one deserves to be treated like that. Ever.

But what happens next is our fault. We vow to protect our own heart instead of trusting God. It happens like this.

When we are sinned against, we make negative judgements about ourselves, about others, about God, and about the world. Here are some examples:

  • “I’m dirty.”
  • “People hate me.”
  • “God doesn’t love me.”
  • “It’s dangerous to be too happy.”
  • “I don’t have value.”
  • “I’m only loved when I’m being good.”
  • “Emotions aren’t safe.”
  • “No one will ever protect me.”
  • “I shouldn’t be alive.”
  • “I’m the wrong gender.”

Based on that judgment, we form a negative expectation of how we will be treated.

  • “People will always reject me.”
  • “Everyone will betray me.”
  • “I will only be loved if I perform.”
  • “Men only love me as an object.”
  • “A father will always leave me.”
  • “I will always be betrayed.”
  • “I will never receive anything good from life.”
  • “People will never accept me as a man.”

Have you ever met someone, talked innocent small talk with them for 10 seconds, and thought, “I don’t know why, but I just hate this person!” You are actually feeling their expectation.

There are demonic spirits that read that expectation and say, “Ok, Dave expects everyone to reject him. Let me help him with that!” And that expectation goes out like a cloud from that person, tempting everyone they come into contact with to reject them as soon as possible.

Then the person is rejected, which strengthens their expectation, and around the track we go again.

Based on that expectation, we make an inner vow to protect our own heart.

  • “I will never let anyone get close to me so their inevitable rejection won’t hurt.”
  • “I will always be the good boy or good girl so people will love me.”
  • “I will protect myself.”
  • “I will hurt them before they hurt me.”
  • “I will not have emotions.”
  • “I will never be like my parent.”
  • “I want to die.”
  • “I will be the other gender.”

This is our sin. We are protecting our own heart, instead of taking our pain to God and trusting him to protect our heart. It’s the same as in the Garden of Eden. We are being our own god.

Our inner vows are our prison bars.

Living in an isolated prison cell is pretty safe. But it’s a prison cell. It’s not living; it’s just existing. It’s cut off from joy, from love, and from everything else that makes life worth living. We will never live the amazing adventure God has for us in that place. He created us for so much more.

It’s like a boat being chained to the dock. It’ll never risk going out in deep water where so many other boats have sunk. But being chained to the dock is not what that boat was created for, and it’ll never be fulfilled there.

Yes, those inner vows keep us safe, but it’s a miserable safety. It’s a case of the cure being worse than the disease.

Are you chained to the dock by your inner vows? Jesus created us to sail out into deep water. True, it’s not safe out there, but God is good. Jesus will be our safety, whatever happens.

How to Recognize an Inner Vow

Often, we form inner vows very early in life, even before we have language. That makes them very hard to articulate. Or even recognize. We’ve had them virtually our whole life; they seem normal. So how do we recognize when an inner vow is in play when they are hidden from us?

A big clue is when we have a mile of reaction to an inch worth of offense. For example, maybe we fly off the handle in a rage when the other person really didn’t do anything rage-worthy. Ask the Holy Spirit if an inner vow is affecting our behavior. Ask your heart.

Another big clue is when negative behavior is confronted in our lives and we say, “That’s just the way I am.” Perhaps, but that’s a choice we make. That’s not how we were created to be, and Jesus has freedom and healing available, if we want it.

How We Get Free

So how do we get free from inner vows? Here’s a 5 step process. We do this in prayer, and it’s best to go through it with someone else, like your spouse, pastor, Christian counselor, or friend. Someone who understands inner healing and can support and lead you through it. But if you don’t have that safe person, do it just you and Jesus.

  1. Identify the judgement, the expectation, and the inner vow. These questions can help you through this process.
  • What happened to you?
  • Because that happened, what did you decide about the world? Yourself? Others? God? (This is the judgement.)
  • Because you believed that to be true, what did you come to expect?
  • Because of that, how did you vow to protect your heart?
  • Repent for making the inner vow. Break it, declaring out loud that you no longer hold to that vow. Take it to the foot of the cross and leave it there.
  • Renounce the benefit. In some way, that vow was keeping you safe. If you don’t know the benefit, ask the Holy Spirit; he’ll tell you.
  • Replace the judgement and expectation with God’s truth. For example, if the expectation was to be rejected, maybe God’s truth is Hebrew 13:5, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” Replacement happens with practice over time. In this example, when tempted to expect rejection, or when feeling it, say (out loud if possible), “No, God will never leave me nor forsake me.”

We can walk in the freedom God has for us. We can walk in Jesus’ healing. Having gone through this process several times, I can tell you, freedom is so much better than the prison cell. Let the Holy Spirit take you there.

Your Turn

Have you had a mile of reaction to an inch of offense? What inner vows have you identified in your life? What judgements and expectations? What is God’s truth that sets you free? Tell us your story in the comments, and please share this post. Let’s get this message out there.

How to Validate Someone’s Pain

/8 Comments/in , , , /by

As Christians, when we see someone hurting, we all want to help. That’s good, we should. The problem is, many of us have never been trained how to really help someone who’s hurting. We don’t know how, or even what to do. Often, unfortunately, well-meaning Christians do more harm than good.

As the church stands on the brink of the Third Great Awakening, our churches are going to be overwhelmed by a flood of hurting people. We need to get comfortable being around people who are hurting, without trying to fix them.

And it’s not just the unsaved coming into our churches who are hurting. There’s a huge number of people in our churches right now who are hurting. But they’re hiding their hurt because:

  1. They think they’re the only one. Look at all these happy people. I’m the only one who’s faking it. No, believe me, you’re really not.
  2. They’re afraid of being judged. Because either they have been in the past, or they’ve seen other people with similar issues be treated as “less than.”

So our lack of understanding is actually preventing people from getting the healing Jesus has for them. And that’s the last thing any of us want.

If you can’t go to the people of God when you’re hurting, where can you go?

But it doesn’t have to be this way. Before trying to solve the problem, or offering them help, there’s something important we need to do first. And it makes all the difference.

The single most important thing you can do to help someone who’s hurting is validate their pain. Before you do anything else, validate their pain. Validate how they feel. This gives them acceptance instead of judgement, and it creates a safe place.

So how do we do this?

Let Them Hurt

That sounds really strange, doesn’t it? Let them hurt?!? That’s not compassionate! Let me explain. I don’t mean ignore them or their pain. I don’t mean being cold or distant or uncompassionate or insensitive.

Here’s the deal. When someone’s going through their valley of the shadow of death, either physically, emotionally, or spiritually, we naturally want to find them an off-ramp. Out of compassion, we want to fix the problem for them. Don’t do that, because you can’t. Only Jesus is the healer.

What am I supposed to do then? I’m glad you asked.

Be Present

There’s a great model in Job 2:11-13.

They sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was. –Job 2:13

Job’s friends normally get a bad rap, and rightfully so. But they got it right for a whole week, when they just sat with him in the ashes of his life, and didn’t say anything. Then they opened their mouths, and it was all downhill from there.

Ok, so practically, how do we do this? Proverbs 18:21 says, “Life and death are in the power of the tongue.” What we say, and don’t say, is important.

What to NOT Say

Too often, we unintentionally discount people’s pain. The following are things well-meaning Christians often say, but are not helpful because they discount the person’s pain.

  • “I understand.”
     No, you really don’t. You haven’t experienced what they’re going through. And even if you have, you haven’t experienced it as them, with their backstory, their fears, and their previous hurts. They are a different person and are experiencing it differently than you would.
  • “I went through something similar…”
     This is not the time to tell your story. Listen to and validate their story. Telling your story, when they are trying to tell you theirs, minimizes their story and discounts their pain. Be a real listener. Don’t be a wait-to-talker.
  • “You’ll get through it.”
     Again, this minimizes their pain. What they are really hearing is, “No one understands me, my pain, what I’m going through, or how sacred I am. And it’s not ok for me to tell them. I better hide it.”
  • “Just have faith.”
     Whether you mean it or not, they hear condemnation: “They think I’m a bad Christian because I’m going through this.”
  • “God’s got this.”
     While very true, this totally discounts their pain. Whether you mean it or not, what they hear is, “You’re wrong to feel bad about this. Why are you so upset? Relax, God will work it all out.” While a great thing to tell yourself when you’re going through painful times, don’t flippantly say it to others.

Ok, so what should we say? What do we say to validate someone’s pain?

What to Say

Here are some great things to say. These things make the other person feel heard, and create a safe space for them to share and seek healing.

  • “Tell me more about that.”
     This is a great default when you don’t know what else to say.
  • “I’ve got no grid for what you’re going through. It must be really hard.”
     This is very validating; it invites them to share their feelings. It assures them you care and you’re listening.
  • “You’re really brave to face this.”
     This can be so validating. Believe me, they feel anything but brave right now.
  • “That must really hurt.”
     Again, an invitation to share their feelings, hurts, and fears.
  • “So do you feel like…”
     and take a guess at how they’re feeling. It doesn’t matter if you’re right or not. Just the fact that someone is trying to understand how they feel is huge.
  • “You’re not a bad Christian for going through this.”
     You may see tears with this one. Because believe me, the enemy, and sadly other Christians, have told them they are.
  • “I don’t know what to do.”
     It’s great to admit you don’t have all the answers. This validates them as a person because then they don’t have to feel condemned for not having all the answers either.

Don’t Try to Be the Professional

Don’t try to be their savior; that’s Jesus’ job. Don’t try to lead them through healing if (1) you haven’t received healing yourself, or (2) you don’t know what you’re doing. Especially if they have been through trauma (emotional or physical abuse, abortion, sexual abuse, etc.). Don’t try to be the professional when you aren’t.

Instead, ask if you can help them find the right help. Asking is very important. Never impose a solution by saying things like:

  • “You should read this book.”
  • “Here’s a counselor that deals with these issues.”

Get permission first. Ask first, like this:

  • “Would you like some resources to help with that?”
  • “Would you like me to help you find a counselor (or pastor) who deals with that?”

If they say yes, then you can ask them if they’ve read that book, or give them your counselor or pastoral recommendation. Now you have their permission and you’re not imposing one more thing on them. Now you’re being truly helpful.

If they say no, then just drop it. No matter how much you think your resource will help them, respect their no. They aren’t ready for it yet. Keep it in your back-pocket for another time when they’re ready.

If we do these things, we can make the church a safe place for hurting people. People won’t let us help them until they know they won’t be harmed by doing so. But if we validate their pain, we create a safe place for them to get healing.

Your Turn

How have you been validated (or not) by the church when you were hurting? What did people do that was helpful (or not)? Are you currently hiding because your church isn’t safe for what you’re struggling with? Tell us your story in the comments; let’s get this conversation going. (If your story is sensitive or private, you’re welcome to send us a private email here.) And please share this post if it would bless others.

4 Ways to Live as Royalty

/6 Comments/in , , /by

What does living in freedom look like? We are, sons and daughters of our Father, the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. We are princes and princesses, destined to be kings and queens ourselves. In fact, we are kings and queens now in our spheres of influence. Do we act like it? Do we speak like it? Do we know, as Christians, the ways of royalty?

We write a lot on this blog about identity and who we really are in Jesus. We write a lot about how to pull down the vicious lies that, even as Christians, keep us bound up away from the amazing, adventurous life God has for us. We write a lot about how to replace those lies with God’s truth. But what does walking in God’s truth, the freedom Jesus died and rose to give us, actually look like on a practical level?

The children of Prince William and Catherine (formerly Kate Middleton) are given a tutor to instruct them in the ways of royalty, protocol, and honor. Protocol is a way of formally dispensing honor, but that’s a subject for another post. (Frankly, our American culture is currently suffering from our own politicians, on both sides of the aisle, being unschooled in the ways of royalty, protocol, and honor. Amen! But I digress.)

Have you ever had someone teach you the ways of royalty? I am learning them. I learned some of them growing up from Christian parents. And I’m learning more as God brings healing to the wounded and unevangelized parts of my heart. I want to share with you 4 practical tips I’ve learned so far to live like the Kingdom Royalty we are.

1) Don’t Call Names

I recently saw a Christian friend on FaceBook that we’ll call “Patrick,” I believe correctly, rebuke a Christian leader for calling the socialist freshman congresswoman from NY, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, a liar and other names. One of my other friends, a strong Christian, rebuked Patrick, sarcastically commenting, “…because Jesus never called anybody names.” He was using Jesus calling the Pharisees a “brood of vipers” to justify calling people names when we don’t agree with them. That is not the way of royalty!

Before Jesus blasted the Pharisees, Scribes, and Sadducees in Matthew 23, he spent 3 years trying to foster relationship with them. He sent them healed leapers as a testimony to them (Luke 17:14). He paid the temple tax for himself and Peter to not offend them (Matthew 17:27). He healed a man with a crippled hand in the synagogue right in front of them (Mark 3:1-5), and was frustrated by their stubborn hearts. He reached out to them over and over again.

Ecclesiastes 3 says there’s a time and a purpose under heaven for every activity. There is a time to bless and a time to curse. There is a time to blast like Jesus did in Matthew 23, but only after every other attempt at reaching out and building relationship has failed. And even then, often the Holy Spirit’s strategy is to walk away, not casting our pearls before swine (Matthew 7:6).

I’m not saying we sugar-coat our disagreement with unrighteous policies or people. But we can’t win a Kingdom battle using the weapons of the devil. Usually, name calling is a hellish tool, not a heavenly one. Royalty gives the other person honor, not necessarily because they are honorable, but because we are. Royalty behaves and speaks in an honoring way whether the other person does or not.

2) See People Like God Sees Them

If a politician or someone on the other side of the aisle lies, they are not a liar. They are lying. There’s a difference. God did not create them as a liar and does not see them as one. He sees them as the potential he created them for. So should we.

By the same token, God does not tolerate unrighteousness. If someone’s lying, we should call out the statement for the lie it is. Abortion. Sex outside of marriage. Homosexuality. Transgender. Cheating on your taxes. These are all lies the culture accepts that we need to call out unrighteousness as unacceptable, offering the forgiveness of a loving God. We need to teach them that true repentance means a change of lifestyle. Repentance is no longer doing the thing, not just being sorry about the consequences while continuing the lifestyle.

3) Respect Someone’s Right to be Wrong

You’ve heard the joke, “I respect your opinion. You have the right to be totally wrong!” But seriously. Being “right” does not give us the right to steamroll over someone else. It does not give us the right to post hateful memes about them on FaceBook.

I saw a meme, posted by a Christian and shared by a friend who I know is a strong Christian, about Ilhan Omar, the new Muslim congresswoman who’s been so anti-Semitic in the hateful things she’s been saying. When she was sworn into office, she used the Koran instead of the Bible. The caption of the meme was, “If you’re not willing to be sworn into office on the Bible, then get the h*** out of America!” Except the meme had the full profanity, not the asterisks I used. This is not the way of royalty!

When Jesus encountered pagans acting like pagans, he told them the truth in an honoring way. He found a way to compliment them (he complimented the woman at the well, see John 4:18). He honored them by eating at their houses (eating with tax collectors in Matthew 9:10 and Luke 19:5). He rescued them from the religious people who were all about name-calling and blasting them for their sin (see the woman caught in adultery in John 8, and Jesus at the Pharisee Simon’s house in Luke 7).

4) Remember They Are Human Beings Jesus Loves

They’ve just forgotten, or never knew, who they really are. It’s our job to remind them. How? By beating them over the head with the Bible? No! By sharing the same sacrificial love when they don’t deserve it that Jesus gave us when we didn’t deserve it. We still don’t deserve it, by the way. But Jesus can’t stop loving because that’s who he is. It should be who we are, too.

Your Turn

Does this resonate? Have you had someone call you up to a higher standard of behavior by their good behavior toward you when you were being nasty to them? Have you done this for someone else? How’d that go? What transformation did it bring? Tell us your story in the comments, and please share if this post would bless someone else.

5 Steps to Embracing the Intimacy We’re Both Terrified of and Longing for

/6 Comments/in , , /by

Are you ready to go deep today? Because in this post, I’m going to talk about what we all want and desperately need, but we’re all terribly afraid of. Deep down, sometimes way down there, we all want intimacy. But how can we embrace the intimacy we’re simultaneously longing for and terrified of?

Intimacy == Into Me See

 

We all want to know and be known. We were created in God’s image, after all. God is a triune God—Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. He’s in relationship with and within himself. We were created for relationship, with him and with others. And in relationship we reflect his image much fuller than we do individually (especially in a marriage, but in friendships, too).

We long to live out who we were created to be, but because of our wounding, we’re often terrified of it. We send conflicting messages like “come here, stay away!” Or maybe “come close, not that close!”

Because of our heart-wounds, often very early in life, we make judgements and believe lies about ourselves, about the world, and about God. Judgements and lies like:

  • “Men can’t be trusted.”
  • “People will reject me.”
  • “I’m dirty.”
  • “Emotions are bad.”

Then, in a desperate effort to protect our heart, rather than trust God with our pain, we make inner vows to protect our heart, in our own strength.

  • “I don’t need anyone. I will take of myself.”
  • “I’ll reject people before they reject me.”
  • “I’ll be what anyone else wants me to be so I’m accepted.”
  • “I won’t have emotions.”

Yes, we’re keeping ourselves safe this way. But we’re doing it by chaining ourselves into a dark dungeon of our own making. And living in a dark, dank dungeon brings its own pain, which we live with as the price for safety. Like a boat safely raised in dry dock, we never risk setting sail on the adventure we were created for.

How tragic is that! Fortunately, God has something better for us, and Jesus made a way with his sacrifice on the cross. Here’s 5 steps to escape from this prison we’ve made for ourselves.

1) Talk to your heart. We can discover these inner vows by, when we’re feeling afraid of a relationship, talking to our heart. Maybe the fear is masked by anger or rage or some other bad behavior to keep people away. But at the root, it’s fear, and if we’re honest with ourselves in a quiet moment, we know it. So find a quiet place, and ask yourself, “Heart, why are you afraid?” Then hush up and listen.

Now our mind, wanting to be helpful, will often jump in and answer the question with lots of rational reasons. If we’re getting words, rather than impressions or emotions or pictures or memories, it’s probably our mind and not our heart. You have to tell your mind to hush up, too. You can literally tell yourself, “Mind, thanks for trying to help, but I was talking to Heart. So just be quiet now and let Heart speak for itself.” Then listen. Ask the Holy Spirit to help you hear your heart.

We’re not used to listening to our heart, so this can take a while sometimes. Maybe even a couple days or weeks. But keep asking your heart. And keep asking the Holy Spirit to help you hear your heart. Some of us have buried our heart pretty deep. And often our heart doesn’t speak in words, so it can take some effort to figure it out.

2) Identify the benefit. Once we know what the lie is that we’ve believed, and what inner vow we took to protect our heart, we need one more piece of information. What benefit did we get from the inner vow? Somehow it’s protecting us from the pain (although causing us worse pain). Again, ask your heart, and ask the Holy Spirit.

3) Get the opposite of the lie. The next step is to ask God what’s the opposite of that lie for us. If we’re familiar with the Bible, he will often pop a scripture into our heads. The Bible is a promise book, after all. Pastors and other spiritually mature mentors can be tremendously helpful with this. The game here is to replace the lie with God’s truth.

Now we have a choice. We can keep believing the lie, falsely believing we’re in control. Or we can surrender control to God and accept his truth. It’s up to us.

4) Forgive the person who hurt us. Nothing keeps us in prison like unforgiveness. Forgiveness doesn’t mean pretending they didn’t do evil to us. It’s coming to the place where they are not the evil they did to us. We know we’ve finished forgiveness (which is a process, not an event) when we can pray blessing over the person and mean it.

5) Replace the lie with the truth through repentance. Finally, repent of that vow and break it. We need to repent of the vow, and renounce the benefit we’re getting from it. Replace the lie we believed with God’s truth. Here’s a sample prayer. Use this as a template and make it your own.

Lord, I forgive _____ for _____. I repent of believing the lie that _____, and I repent and renounce the inner vow I made, _____. I renounce the benefit I got from that inner vow of _____. I’m now trusting you with my heart instead trying to protect it myself.

This is how we start living in freedom and embracing intimacy with God and others around us. But freedom can be scary, because we’re not in control anymore. We’re living by dangerous faith. Yes, it’s dangerous. Living this way will change us. But don’t worry, it’s good. It is so worth it.

What do you think? Does this resonate? Please tell us in the comments and share it on social media. We’re looking forward to hearing from you.

How to Improve Any Relationship

/0 Comments/in , /by

Anything involving humans can always be improved, and relationships are no different. But before we can improve one, we need to understand what makes the quality of a relationship better or worse.

The quality of any relationship is measured by the depth of the connection between the people involved. The best relationships are a safe place to enjoy being connected, being known and knowing another person. Healthy relationships are a treasure that give us the fulfillment of what we were created for – connection with another.

But not all relationships are safe places. Instead of being treasured, some relationships are tolerated. Unhealthy relationships can be scary places where we don’t feel safe, and the goal is not connection but self-preservation.

Maybe a relationship you used to treasure has tarnished into a scary, unsafe place. How do we turn that relationship around and get heading back in the right direction?

Since your relationship involves another person, there’s no guaranteed outcome. You can’t control what the other person does. You can only control what you choose to do. But, if you want to improve the relationship, there is a dialog you can start with the other person.

But first, you need to get clear within yourself about a few things.

The Goal of Self-Preservation Prioritizes Distance, Not Connection

Is this a scary relationship? Is it scary to be too close to the other person? There’s no condemnation in the answer to these questions, just facts.

If the relationship is scary, your goal is one of self-preservation. In that case, you’re protecting your distance from the other person.

There’s nothing necessarily wrong with that. The other person may be abusive, or may have a history of breaking your heart. But you need to think it through, Why is the relationship scary? What has happened, what am I afraid will happen if I don’t protect my distance?

The next question to ask yourself is, What needs to happen for me to feel safe in this relationship? Does the other person need to get counseling? Does an addiction need to be dealt with?

[BTW, if the other person is physically abusive, call law enforcement. No one deserves to live in a physically abusive environment and no one has to. Even if they are not actually physically hurting you, but if they are threatening to, or are breaking things, call law enforcement. Those things count as violence and you do not have to tolerate them. Make the call or nothing will change. There is help available for you.]

Do You Really Want a Closer Connection?

You don’t have to. Sometimes people are in an unhealthy relationship where they keep each other at arm’s length. They’ve gotten very comfortable protecting their mutual distance, and it works for them. It’s a known, “safe” quantity.

But it’s not a stable equilibrium. Like anything toxic, eventually, it will begin to seep into your soul and affect you. The bitterness, callousness, hardness-of-heart grows until they start affecting your other relationships as well. Many people don’t notice until it’s too late.

Connection is worth pursuing, but if you pursue it for that reason alone, it won’t work. Don’t pursue connection because you “should.” Pursue it because you want it.

Restoring a healthy connection can cost a high price. It’s a risk to the existing but toxic relationship, which could completely explode in your face, leaving you with no relationship at all with the other person. This has happened to me in several important relationships, which I trust God to restore at the proper time.

Sometimes, the other person doesn’t want a healthy relationship. They are perfectly fine preserving distance instead of connection. If you start pursuing connection, you overturn their whole applecart. “Hey, I thought we had an arrangement here?” You may be ready for healthy, but they may not be. I have a post on that subject here.

What Are You Prepared to Do?

Maybe the other person is equally sacred of you. Maybe, they will need certain things from you in order to feel safe. Are you willing to pursue connection over your preferences?

Maybe they need you to not watch TV during dinner. Or stop what you’re doing and greet them when they get home. Or talk about your day. Or let them into that place of your secret hopes and dreams. Maybe they want you to go to counseling.

Risking connection with another person can be scary. But it’s so worth it when it’s mutual.

The Choice Is Yours

Some people are toxic enough that the relationship has to be completely rebooted. Sometimes you have to protect distance, sometimes even physical distance with a restraining-order. Sometimes self-preservation is legitimately threatened, either physically or emotionally. In that case, the most loving thing might be to pull the plug on the relationship, for a season at least, until the other person does what they need to do to make the relationship a safe place. Have you had to pull the plug on a relationship?

Or have you risked pursuing connection, rather than distance, and come through the other side? When two people decide they value their connection with each other over their urge to protect themselves, it can be a beautiful thing. Have you experienced such a restoration?

Tell us your story in the comments; it will help inspire others. And please share this post if it will bless others.

Why Everyone, Including Trauma Survivors, Wrongly Blames Trauma Survivors

/6 Comments/in , , /by

We have a nasty habit of blaming trauma survivors for the trauma they endured. In the church, outside the church, it makes no difference. We wrongly blame trauma survivors for the trauma perpetrated upon them through no fault of their own.

Yes, unwise choices can put you in a situation where trauma is more likely to occur. But no one deserves trauma. Ever. I don’t care what unwise choices someone has made.

How many times have you heard one of these?

“Dressing like that, she’s just asking to be raped.” No. A thousand times no. No woman deserves to be raped. Ever. I swear, if I hear one more of my Christian brothers say this, I’m going to perpetrate some trauma myself and knock their teeth out. After all, talking like that, they’re just asking for it.

“She must not have been very attentive at home,” said when blaming a wife for her husband’s affair. I’ve actually most often heard this said by other women. No. No wife ever deserves to be cheated on. I don’t care what the situation is. A man’s adultery is no one’s fault but his own. Ever. Jesus died to make that so.

“They must not have been good parents,” said when blaming the people down the street for their teen’s suicide. No. Never. No parent ever deserves to bury their children, whether through intentional or accidental tragedy.

And saddest of all, childhood trauma survivors blame themselves. “It’s my fault my father sexually abused me. There’s something wrong with me.” No. Never true. Yet this response is universal.

Why Do We Do Blame Trauma Survivors?

Why do we blame trauma survivors? Why do trauma survivors blame themselves?

At a trauma seminar, we recently heard Dr. Gabor Mate, author of In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts, give a very logical reason. It’s the safest conclusion.

Which is safer for a victim of childhood trauma to believe?

  • The lie: “There’s something wrong with me. It’s my fault this happened.”
  • The truth: “I am in the care of a monster. There is something seriously wrong with my dad.”

The lie is actually the safer conclusion! “If it’s my fault, then maybe I have some control over it. If I can just be a better daughter, this won’t happen again.”

Believing the truth, “I’m in the care of a monster. I’ve got no control over when this happens again,” makes the world a very scary, unsafe place.

The lie is actually a psychological defense mechanism used by children so they can survive. But once they’re adults and out of that situation, until that lie is replaced by God’s truth, it can cause untold bad fruit in their lives.

Take the woman whose friend’s husband had an affair. Which is safer to believe?

  • The lie: “If she’d just been a better wife, he wouldn’t have cheated on her.”
  • The truth: “His affair was not her fault. He made his own choice.”

Or take the example of parents you know whose teen was lost to suicide. Which is safer to believe?

  • The lie: “They must be bad parents.”
  • The truth: “What a horrible thing to happen to them. No parents deserve to go through that.”

In each case, the lie is a “safer” conclusion to believe. Believing the lie that trauma is the fault of the survivors gives us a feeling of control over our unsafe world.

  • “If I’m a good wife, my husband won’t cheat on me.”
  • “If we’re good parents, our children will be safe.”

The problem is, it’s only a false feeling of control. We really have very little, if any, control over the unsafe, unredeemed world we live in.

Finding True Security

The truth is, in this unsafe world, our safety is out of our control. The only true security we really have is in the goodness of God. Yet even Jesus did not promise us safety; in fact, he promised the opposite:

“In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” – Jesus (John 16:33)

God’s security is not the absence of trauma or tragedy in this life, but Jesus’ promise to be with us through it.

How to Actually Help

As Christians, we should follow Jesus’ example, and be with each other through trauma.

“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.” — Psalm 23:4

When people are going through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, don’t try to find them an off-ramp. It’s natural to want to pull someone out of the Valley of the Shadow of Death. We mean well. But we can’t pull them out of it. Jesus is calling us to ride with them through it.

Don’t say, “I understand,” even if you’ve been through something similar. That just discounts their feelings. This is not the time to tell your story. This is the time to shut-up and listen. Validate their pain.

We must stop blaming trauma survivors. The world is not a safe place. We need to accept that, yes, it could happen to us too. But God is good, even if it does.

The church of God has to be a safe place. As Jesus’ hands, feet, mouth, and most importantly, heart, to a lost and dying world, we have to get this right. As we learn to be Jesus to the hurting, we teach them to be Jesus to us. After all, no one gets out of this world unscathed. We can do this.

How About You?

Dear Child of God, please tell us your story in the comments, or shoot us an email. You don’t have to be alone. And please share this post if it would bless others.

Resources

If you have experienced trauma (abuse, sexual assault, rape, abortion, or any other trauma), or someone you know has, please seek healing. Here are some Christ-based ministries that might be helpful. If they are not in your area, they may be able to refer you to help that is.

For sexual trauma: Restoration 1:99

For abortion healing: Rachel’s Vineyard

For suicide prevention resources: Cru.org

If you are contemplating suicide, cutting or harming yourself, know the world is better with you in it. We need you.

Please get help by contacting The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.

Talk to someone right now by chatting online or calling 1-800 273-8255.