Will the Real Jesus Please Stand Up?

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As our regular readers know, this blog is all about our true identity in Jesus—the identity God created us to become. But let’s take one giant step backward. How can we understand who we really are in God if we’re confused about who God really is?

In order to understand who we really are, we have to understand who God really is. Sometimes the best way to understand someone is to understand who they’re not. So here’s 10 popular wrong pictures of God, broken down into 3 categories. Do you (or did you) identify with any of these?

False Pictures of an Irrelevant God

The first few false pictures of God let us think God is irrelevant for our lives today. The true motivation for them really goes all the way back to the Garden of Eden. We want to decide what’s right and what’s wrong, without some God hanging around having opinions about our behavior. We are still choosing the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil over the Tree of Life.

1) A Myth. So much of our culture believes this, and our children are taught this under the guise of “science.” The truth is, evolution is a myth. Evolution is really bad science. There have been whole books written on this subject, and I don’t have space to go into it here. But evolution violates physics, geology, biology, engineering, statistics – just to name a few sciences that, contrary to what we’ve all been taught, actually contradict evolution. It really takes a lot more faith to believe in evolution than it does to believe in God. We did not make ourselves.

2) The Absent Creator. He wound up the world like a top, and now he’s just letting it spin down and couldn’t care less. If I have to admit there must be a God because evolution is such a house-of-cards, at least he doesn’t care about me. I can still be god over my own life. But God created my life and my body. They are ours to steward, not to own. God cares about every aspect of your life. Not as a control freak, but as someone who is rooting for you because he loves you.

3) My Kindly Grandfather. My kind-hearted, but naïve, old grandfather, sitting in his rocking chair on the porch reading his Bible. He’s really nice, but he really doesn’t get life today. The truth is, God gets life today more than we do. And he has the answers. We are so easily deceived by the spirit of the age into thinking truth somehow changed. And in patting ourselves on the back for being so smart, we take our answers, our worldview, and our morality from the media. See Romans 1:22 and 1 Corinthians 1:27-29.

Download the List of
10 False Views of God
on One Page Here.

False Pictures of a God of Performance

These next false pictures of God are all too common. Though we may not realize it on the surface, deep down many of us believe we have to perform, to “straighten up and fly right,” to earn God’s approval, love, and blessing. Often these can be really hard to address because the things we’re doing look so good. They’re good things, but the motivation is to earn love, instead of coming from a place of being loved.

4) Zeus. An angry God, he’s ready to throw lightning bolts as soon as I step out-of-line. In fact, he can’t wait. Sometimes he hurls them just for fun. People blame God for the pain in their lives. They don’t realize he’s crying with them, right there in the middle of it.

People don’t understand God’s judgements come from love, not disappointment or hatred, like a loving parent disciplines a disobedient child. Actually, the opposite of love isn’t hatred—it’s indifference. God has opinions about our behavior because he loves us and wants what’s best for us. He hates our self-destructive behavior the same way the parent of an addict hates the drugs that are destroying their child.

5) A Demanding Parent. No matter how hard I try, I’m never good enough. When God thinks of me, he frowns his disappointment. I have to earn God’s love. He could bless me, but he doesn’t want to. If I can just be good enough, maybe I’ll earn a crumb.

This false picture of God often leads to a scarcity mindset. And it’s so not true. When God thinks of you, he smiles. He rubs his hands together with anticipation and excitement of who he’s created you to be, the same way parents put Christmas presents under the tree before their children wake up on Christmas morning.

6) Santa Claus. He brings me presents if I’m good. He’s making a list. He’s checking it twice. He’s going to find out who’s naughty or nice. Santa-Claus-god doesn’t care about me, just what I do. But that’s so not true. God cares about the real you inside. We are not what we do.

7) Commander-in-Chief. God’s my general and my chain-of-command. I follow the rules to the letter. With. No. Emotional. Attachment. The problem is, God wants an emotional attachment, so desperately that he does reckless things like dying on a cross.

The play/movie Les Misérables is a poignant example of this legalist, false picture of God. The police captain Javert is all about the rules. All his life, he never broke a rule. Rulebreakers will always be rulebreakers and they need the rule enforcers to keep them in line and give them what’s coming to them. The problem is, the convict Jean Valjean is a rulebreaker but spreads mercy and goodness everywhere he goes. That’s not supposed to happen! People can’t really change! But Javert is forced to recognize Jean Valjean’s goodness is better than his own legalism when Jean Valjean spares his life. The story is an amazing contrast between the Kingdom of Religion and the Kingdom of God. Sadly, Javert couldn’t live in a world where mercy triumphs over judgement. (James 2:13)

False Pictures of a God of Entitlement

These false pictures of God are pervasive in our first-world culture where we have more than we could ever want.

8) My ATM. Just like an ATM, I go to him when I need something, and forget about him the rest of the time. After all, isn’t God there, and the church also, to meet my needs? Boy, do we have a surprise coming. That’s totally backward! We exist to meet his needs for worship and fellowship, not the other way around.

9) My Insurance Salesman. Thanks for salvation, Jesus, see you in Heaven. Got my fire insurance. As long as I keep up the premiums by going to church periodically, I’m covered. The problem here is that Jesus didn’t die on a cross to bring us into the Kingdom of God in the sweet bye-and-bye. He died to bring his Kingdom into our lives now. Right here, right now.

10) My Savior but not My Lord. Jesus forgives all my sins so I can live however I want and still go to heaven. Such a deal! He’s my Savior, I said the sinner’s prayer, once, sometime a long time ago in a galaxy far, far, away. But he really doesn’t expect me to live in holiness and purity, does he? Yes, actually he does. And his heart breaks when we harm ourselves by living like the world. We nail him to that cross all over again. Jesus is not really our Savior if he’s not also our Lord. He comes as a package deal.

All of these false pictures grieve the heart of God. He wants his children to know the real Jesus.

The True Picture of the Living God—My Lover-King

This is who Jesus died on the cross to be. This is what his resurrection made possible. My Lover-King, the essence of my universe, the number one person in my life. He’s just crazy about me, and I wish I could do more to please him. His smile makes my spirit soar, and when we’re together, he smiles all the time. We are so in love. His love crashed in and changed my life. Like Lucy with Aslan, in the picture above.

Think about that for a minute. What would it be like to live in the ecstasy of that kind of lover-close, intimate relationship with God? Lover-close with God? Crazy, huh? Do you think it might change how we live?

So what’s your picture of God? Tell us in the comments. And please share this post if it would help someone else.

Download the List of
10 False Views of God
on One Page Here.

A Christian’s Super Power: Forgiveness

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There’s one quality of Christianity, a central feature actually, that other world religions just don’t have. And the world lacks completely. In fact, being able to do this one thing separates Christians from the rest of the world. That thing is Forgiveness.

Being raised in a (mostly) Christian culture, at least one founded on Christian principles, in the West we all know unforgiveness is bad. We all know we’re supposed to forgive people. Forgiveness is the true triumph of love over evil.

Still, the enemy can trick us into unforgiveness so easily because we really don’t know what forgiveness is. So what really is forgiveness anyway? Sometimes it’s easier to understand what something is by understanding what it’s not. Here’s some things forgiveness is not that people often mistake for forgiveness.

Forgiveness is NOT…

  • … pretending nothing happened.
  • … covering for the other person.
  • … trusting someone who should not be trusted.
  • … giving a perpetrator access so they can do it again.
  • … not having healthy boundaries.
  • … letting a criminal go free.
  • … avoiding conflict.
  • … pretending to agree with the other person when you really don’t.
  • … feeling happy about something bad that happened.
  • … an emotion or a feeling at all.

We often hear, “I can’t forgive that person, they’ll do it again.” Our unforgiveness is not the thing preventing them from doing it again. That’s on them. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you can’t have healthy boundaries. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to place yourself at risk with an unhealthy person.

Most people are familiar with the 5 stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Depression, Bargaining, and Acceptance. The stages of forgiveness are basically the same, because the evil done to you often represents a loss to your person. You need to fully grieve the loss to fully forgive the other person.

Just like grieving, forgiveness is a process. No one walks up to a widow after her husband’s funeral and says, “Well, that was a great service. I’m so glad for you that you’re done with grieving now.” Pretty much anyone within earshot would smack that person! Because we understand that grieving is a process, not an event. We all get that her grieving process is just beginning, and we’d all expect it to take at least a year, if not longer. We’d all expect her to bounce between days like these:

  • “I can’t believe he’s really gone.”
  • “I’m angry that he’s gone. It’s not fair.”
  • “I’m sad that he’s gone. I miss him so much my heart is breaking.”
  • “Today was a good day.”

Her friends aren’t concerned if she has an angry day or a depressed week, or if they see her in any of the other stages of grief. They get concerned if she gets stuck in one of the stages for months or years on end. Going through the stages is not a problem. Getting stuck in one of them is.

Forgiveness is the same way. “I said a prayer of forgiveness for that person who abused me. I’m glad that’s over and done with.” No, it doesn’t work that way. Forgiveness is a process, not an event. Going through the stages is not a problem. Getting stuck in one of them is.

We see people stuck in denial all the time. You can tell, because they minimize the sin against them, and make excuses for the other person. “It wasn’t so bad” or “they didn’t mean it” or “they were going through a really hard time.” I’m not talking about things people do accidently. I’m talking about the big stuff. I’m talking about when, yes, it was that bad, and yes, they did mean it.

Covering for the other person is not forgiveness. Lying about how bad it was is not forgiveness. It’s actually dishonoring to the other person to lie about their behavior. You’re keeping them from the help they might otherwise receive. Although it can appear to be honoring, lies never bring honor, because they allow evil to continue unchecked in the other person. And that’s not love.

Minimizing the other person’s sin against you is actually unforgiveness. It’s pretending the wrong wasn’t wrong, and so it keeps you from forgiving them. If “it wasn’t so bad” then there’s nothing to forgive, is there? By pretending it’s ok, when it was far from ok, we actually live in unforgiveness.

Another common thing we hear is, “I can’t forgive them, I’m still angry about it.” Good! Actually, being angry about the evil done to you is a healthy part of forgiveness. Again, you can’t forgive what you don’t acknowledge as a wrong. If something heinous was done to you, you should be angry about it. Forgiveness is not an emotion, but an act of the will. You can be angry and still forgiving at the same time.

And yes, you can set healthy boundaries so you’re not wounded by the same person again. In a relationship, we are trusting the other person to protect our heart. If they refuse to protect our heart, and instead betray and abuse our heart, we can set boundaries to protect our heart. Boundaries are a pullback from intimacy. Sometimes they can be temporary, sometimes permanent. It depends if the other person is willing to do their work in the relationship.

So what is forgiveness?

Forgiveness IS…

  • … an act of the will.
  • … a decision.
  • … a process.
  • … releasing what we hold against the other person.
  • … canceling the bill they owe us.
  • … coming to the place where the person is not the evil they did to us.

This is tough stuff. We need help. While the widow’s friends would understand her needing more alone time than usual, they’d rightfully worry if she pulled away from them completely. Find a trusted friend, pastor, spouse—someone to walk through it with you. And a word of wisdom, if you’re working through forgiveness around marriage or relationship issues, find someone of your same sex. Don’t set yourself up for an affair. That won’t help.

We know we’ve finished forgiveness when we can truly pray blessing over the other person without inwardly cringing. Releasing them from what they owe us and praying blessing over them is the beginning of a new life and freedom for us. We actually release ourselves from the prison we made for them.

How about you? Do you have a story of forgiveness, either forgiving or being forgiven? Are you struggling through this right now? We’d love to hear from you and walk alongside you through this journey. Please leave a comment or shoot us an email on the Contact Us page. And please share if this would bless someone else.

Photo by Kari Shea on Unsplash

How to Get Kingdom Gifts

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HeadShot Dave 100x100

Everything in the Kingdom of God is upside down and backwards compared to how we as humans think. The best Kingdom gifts, the ones that give us the most pleasure and the most joy, are the ones we give away.

In Matthew 7:2, Jesus says, “With the measure you use, it will be measured to you.” That means we need to give away what we want to get. For example, to save your life, you lose it (Luke 9:24). To get the place of honor, give it away (Luke 14:7-11).

Give away what you want.

Do you want to be rich? Then give money away (Malachi 3:10). Do you want mercy from God? Then show others mercy (Matthew 18:23-25).

See the principle here?

Do you want people to overlook and ignore your mistakes? Then overlook and ignore their mistakes. Do you want people to listen to you? Then listen to them. Do you want people to think you’re important? Be humble and treat them like they are important.

Even Jesus did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but emptied himself and became nothing, taking on the form of a servant (Philippians 2:6-7), for the sake of the joy set before him (Hebrews 12:2).

In the Kingdom, we write our own Christmas list. We receive what we give away.

A Christmas Challenge

Do you want to really receive peace on earth and goodwill to all this Christmas? Then let’s give it away.

I’ve seen the demeanor of cranky store clerks change when I just said something nice to them that built them up, instead of tearing them down (2 Corinthians 10:8).

Today’s Action Step: I will be mindful of my interactions with people. Especially when they are being mean and cranky, I will try to make their day. Then Jesus will make my day.

Your Turn

How about you? What are you giving away this holiday season that you want to receive back? Have you seen this principle work? Tell us in the comments or shoot us an email. And please share on Facebook (or your fav social media channel) if you think this would bless someone else.

How to Help Someone without Rescuing Them

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One of the hardest things to navigate is helping someone in a healthy way, without rescuing them in an unhealthy way. We don’t want to interfere with God’s process of sowing and reaping in their lives. (Here’s my previous post with 3 reasons why.)

Sometimes it feels like watching a train wreck in slow motion.

Compound that with, so often, people don’t want to change the lifestyle that’s causing the pain in their lives. They just want to be free from the pain.

It’s like someone banging their head on a brick wall. They want the headache to stop. But rather than being willing to stop banging their head on the brick wall, they’re looking for a helmet with more padding.

Giving Them Their Power Back

People in crisis often feel powerless. Like someone trapped on the third floor of a burning building, they want someone to pull up in a magic firetruck and rescue them from their pain.

True healthy help restores them as a powerful person who can make choices over their own life. Rather than swooping in with the magic firetruck, healthy help leads them to the fire escape and helps them navigate it.

But it’s their journey. We never take ownership away from them. Even when it’s painful to watch them move forward so slowly, and we could do it for them so much faster.

How to Help: Asking Questions not Making Statements

This is a brilliant 20-minute video by Danny Silk on how to really help someone with a problem. I highly recommend watching it.

So often it is more helpful to ask questions, rather than stating the obvious or just telling someone what to do to solve the immediate problem.

  • What’s the problem? If they don’t acknowledge there’s a problem, you’re done. If this is a family relationship, this is often a strong indication that someone has interrupted God’s process of sowing and reaping.
  • What are you going to do? At this point, often people won’t know. They feel powerless, like they can’t do anything. Their emotions are supercharged, and their rational brain is offline. But it’s important for you to ask this question. It clearly defines who owns the problem, and whose it is to solve.
  • What have you tried before? This is a great first step to help them slow down. Have you had this problem before? What have you done before that’s worked? Can you do that again? This helps them start thinking through the problem, helping their rational brain come back online.
  • Would you like some suggestions? Advice requires permission. If they don’t want your advice, don’t give it. Jesus put it somewhat graphically, “Don’t throw your pearls before swine.” (Matthew 7:6)
  • Have you tried…? Don’t say, “You should read this book.” Instead ask, “Have you read this book?” You are restoring them as a powerful person who can choose what they want to do to solve this problem.
  • What are you going to do? The most empowering question in the universe. Keep coming back to this one.

The Mastermind Process

In writer’s groups I’ve been in, we have a process called “mastermind.” It’s an absolutely genius way to help someone get unstuck. I’ve seen people who were stuck on something for months (or years!) get unstuck in 10-15 minutes. It works like this.

The person with the problem states it, and we ask clarifying questions to make sure we understand. Then comes the fun part.

For the next five minutes, group members give recommendations. The person with the problem is not allowed to talk during this. They just write all the recommendations down in a list.

Then the person with the problem chooses three things off that list they are going to do in the next 30 days. No explaining why they chose certain suggestions and not others. No judgments, no apologies, no commentary. Just choices.

People come into this process scared because they don’t know what to do. But they come out of it energized and excited. What was an overwhelming and vexing problem just a few minutes ago is now solvable. They have a list. They have a plan. They have support.

And most importantly, they have ownership. The beauty of the mastermind process is that, while it never solves anyone’s problem for them, it empowers them to solve their problem.

There are two key factors that make this process work.

(1) The person owns the problem. No one tells them, “Hey, I noticed you have a problem on your blog. Let me tell you how to fix that.” They decided it was a problem. And they decided they needed help fixing it.

(2) The person owns the solution. While the group process helps them think through possible solutions, they choose what they’re going to do and not do. No pressure to pick certain options over others. And nobody in the group gets their nose bent out of joint if the person didn’t pick their recommendation.

Your Turn

Have you been on either end of this? Did someone help guide you through a problem? Or did someone “rescue” you, leaving you to solve a bigger problem with higher stakes later in life? Tell us your story in the comments and please share if this would bless others.

Use These 3 Guidelines to Speak Up for What’s Right

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Speaking up for what’s right is important. As God’s people, if we don’t speak up for what’s right, we leave the world in a moral vacuum that our enemy is all too happy to fill with deception. Much of the societal decay in the world around us has risen to unprecedented levels because God’s people have been asleep and silent for far too long.

“Silence does not interpret itself.” – Father Pavone, Priests for Life

But it’s not enough to speak up for what’s right. We have to do it the right way. We’ve all heard about “speaking the truth in love” (Ephesians 4:15), but how do we actually do that? Here are 3 guidelines for speaking up for what’s right so we make a difference.

1) Respect

Everyone has the right to choose what they believe, even if we disagree. Everyone owns the consequences of their beliefs, whether they acknowledge it or not. We can tell someone their choices are leading to bad consequences, but we still need to respect their right to choose what they believe. God does this. God respects our choice but expects us to own the consequences (Deuteronomy 30:15-20).

So respect people’s right to disagree. Respect people’s right to be wrong, no matter how much that frustrates us. When speaking to others, whether it’s in-person or on FaceBook, do so with respect:

  • Don’t call them names.
  • Don’t insult them.
  • Don’t respond in kind.
  • Don’t copy the other person’s bad behavior.
  • Check your own spirit for self-righteousness.

The opposite of respect is offense. There is a major spirit of offense over our country right now. Some call it a political spirit. It’s obviously spiritual warfare because when we get offended, we too often go out of our minds, acting and speaking like no loving Jesus-follower should. But, in our minds, offense justifies all of our bad behavior.

No, it really doesn’t. We need to remember to whom we belong, and act like Him and not the pagans.

But Jesus made a whip and called the Pharisees a brood of vipers! Yes, he did (John 2:13-17, Matthew 12:34, Matthew 23:33). But that was a last resort. He didn’t start there. Jesus did many other things as a testimony to the Pharisees first:

  • Sending the cleansed leper to the priests to make the sacrifices Moses commanded (Matthew 8:1-4).
  • Paying his and Peter’s temple tax (Matthew 17:24-27).
  • Healing the man born blind (John 9).
  • Raising Lazarus from the dead (John 11).

I love the story of Jesus’ paying the temple tax for himself and Peter in Matthew 17:24-27. While Jesus makes it clear he doesn’t have to pay the tax, he pays it for himself and for Peter, and says in verse 27, “… so that we may not offend them…” Jesus picked his battles. So should we.

So yes, Jesus called them a brood of vipers. But he also paid the temple tax to not offend them. There is a time for every activity under heaven (Ecclesiastes 3), to offend and not to offend, and the Holy Spirit knows the difference. My counsel is to let the content of our words be the offensive thing, not the way we say them.

2) Uncompromising Truth

We’re not speaking up for what’s right if we’re not speaking the truth. My heart breaks when I think about entire Christian denominations that have compromised with the world in condoning abortion, homosexuality, and transgenderism. Janet & I pray often for God to open their eyes and send them a spirit of repentance. While sincerely wanting to love people, they are doing so much damage.

People engage in these behaviors because of pain in their lives. God wants to heal that pain. But when we compromise with the world by not calling sinful behaviors the sin that they are, we slam the door of God’s healing in people’s faces. You don’t need healing if nothing’s wrong, do you?

3) Not Being Controlled by the Fear of the Other’s Reaction

When we know we’re saying something the other person doesn’t want to hear, it’s perfectly normal to fear their reaction. There’s nothing wrong with being afraid. The problem comes when we let that fear control us. It’s amazing how much of our actions, and reactions, are actually governed by fear, although we generally don’t realize it.

Many times I’ve been screamed at by dysfunctional family members, “You said that because you knew it would upset me!” Yes, I did know it would upset them, and believe me, I fear someone being upset with me. (I die a thousand deaths before a confrontation!) But that’s not why I said it. I said it because it needed to be said. It was an issue between us that needed to be addressed. And I won’t be bullied out of addressing it any longer.

Here are two litmus tests to discover that we are being controlled by fear.

(1) Silence. When something’s wrong and we don’t speak up, we’re being controlled by fear. We’re afraid of offending the other person. Or of their anger. Or of damaging the relationship. Frankly, if the relationship is in a state where telling the truth will damage it, it needs to be “damaged,” because it’s not healthy the way it is.

Remember Father Pavone’s quote at the top of this post: “Silence does not interpret itself.” Whatever issues we are silent about, we condone.

Confrontation is a godly skill that can be learned through practice. I highly recommend the book “Keep Your Love On” by Danny Silk (Amazon affiliate link) for more on this topic.

(2) Control. When we try to control the other person’s reaction, we’re being controlled by fear. Here are some common behaviors designed to control the other person’s reaction. Do you recognize any of these?

  • Shaming them for disagreeing.
  • Bullying them into agreement.
  • Waiting to talk rather than listening.
  • Monopolizing the conversation.
  • Trying to win the argument instead of connecting to their heart.

As Jesus-followers, fear has no place in our lives. Or shouldn’t. Our entire Christian walk boils down to replacing fear-based behaviors with faith-based behaviors. Faith trusts the other person to God and does not let fear of their reaction control us.

Your Turn

So how about you? Is this helpful? How have people spoken into your life that’s made a difference? Did they follow these guidelines? Tell us your story in the comments, and please share this post to bless others.

Why to Help, Not Rescue, Someone Who’s Destroying Their Life

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One of the most painful things in life is to watch one of our loved ones destroy their lives. It doesn’t matter if it’s drugs, alcohol, promiscuous sex, porn, gambling, or workaholism. Or something worse. When we medicate the pain in our lives instead of dealing with it, it’s always destructive. And it’s hard to watch. Sometimes it feels like watching a train wreck in slow motion.

If we’re going to really help, we’ve got to understand what’s healthy help and what’s unhealthy rescue.

Sometimes People Want Unhealthy Rescue Rather Than Healthy Help

Painfully, sometimes, the person destroying their life doesn’t want help. They want rescue.

So often, people don’t want to change the lifestyle that’s causing the pain in their lives. They just want to be free from the pain. It’s human nature to avoid pain. It takes bravery and courage to face it in order to receive healing.

It’s like someone banging their head on a brick wall. They want the headache to stop. But rather than being willing to stop banging their head on the brick wall, they’re looking for a helmet with more padding.

People in crisis often feel powerless. Like someone trapped on the third floor of a burning building, they want someone to pull up in a magic firetruck and rescue them from their pain.

Now don’t get me wrong. Yes, Jesus does rescue us. But Jesus is the only rescuer, and he only does so in partnership with us. We have to be willing to stop banging our head on the wall; i.e., stopping sinful lifestyle behaviors. And we need to be willing to face the pain those behaviors are medicating so Jesus can heal that pain.

Yes, we can significantly help people. We can help them find the fire-escape they didn’t see, and we can help them navigate it. We can link them up with resources they didn’t know about. But they have to be willing to use them. They can’t keep waiting at the window for the magic firetruck to show up.

Here are 3 reasons why we shouldn’t provide an unhealthy “magic firetruck” rescue for people.

1) They Have Right to Steward Their Life as They Choose

This is the hardest one. Janet and I have a wise friend who told us something we’ve never forgotten and often remind ourselves of:

Our children have to live their own adventure.

I hate that. I want to drive their boat. I want to just jump in there, and say, “Look, I’m over twice your age, and I know these waters. Let me get you off the sandbar you’re stuck on, avoid the rocks, and get you into safer waters. Then you can drive again.”

But that’s not healthy. That dishonors their God-given stewardship over their own life. I would just be forcing them to trade their dysfunctional coping mechanisms for mine, which does them no good in the end.

2) You Can’t Control Someone Else

Yes, ultimately, God is sovereign over our lives. We are stewards of our lives, not owners. But everyone has to choose for themselves whether to voluntarily let God sit on the throne of their life. Or not. God honors their choice, even when he disagrees with it. So must we.

You cannot control another person, no matter how much you think they would benefit from it.

“The only person I can control, on a good day, is myself.” – Danny Silk

That doesn’t mean condoning their choice. If they’re doing something destructive, yes, speak up. Point it out. But do so in a spirit of genuine concern rather than condemnation.

Condemnation is our (sinful) attempt to shame someone into doing the right thing, because, if we’re honest, we’re scared. Condemnation is an act of fear on our part. It’s using the enemy’s tools, which never ends well.

3) Interfering with Sowing and Reaping Hurts Them in the Long Run

Well-meaning parents do this all the time for their children. We need to let our loved ones own the problem.

If we’re solving the consequences of their bad decisions, then we are taking ownership of the problem away from them. We are interfering with God’s process of sowing and reaping.

If they are making poor choices, to the fullest extent possible, let them deal with the consequences. Let them own the problem.

That doesn’t mean we can’t help. But help, don’t rescue. Here’s how to tell the difference:

Rescuing removes the pain. Helping does not.

If you completely remove the pain from a situation they’ve caused, you’re rescuing, not helping.

Think of it like this. They are the rookie quarterback on the football field, with 10 seconds left in the game. You’re the coach. They have one shot to execute the winning play. As a former all-star, hall-of-fame, quarterback yourself, you could go out on the field and execute the play for them.

But you don’t. As the coach, you call the play, but they have to execute it. And they can choose not to. The quarterback can call an audible at the line and change the play. Maybe as they see how the defense is lining up, they decide the play you called won’t work. It’s their choice. The quarterback can modify the play or change it all together.

And they own the results.

Let Them Own Their Problem

At the end of the day, they have to live with the consequences of their choices. True, no one is responsible for the evil done to them. But we are responsible for our response to it.

“The last of the human freedoms: to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances.” — Viktor Frankl, Holocaust Survivor in his book Man’s Search for Meaning

Letting someone own their problem, and the consequences, is painful, especially when we can alleviate their suffering in the short term. But if we interfere with God’s design of sowing of reaping, we’re actually hurting them in the long run. Yes, totally help. But don’t rescue.

Your Turn

Have you been on either side of this principle? Has a painful season of sowing and reaping taught you valuable life lessons? Have you had to let a family member go down a destructive or foolish path to learn for themselves? Or have you been that family member?

Tell us your story in the comments and please share if this would bless someone else.

Why Good Friends Don’t Accept You Just the Way You Are

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What do you want in your friends? What makes a good friend? Many people would answer, “A good friend accepts you just the way you are.”

I beg to differ. That’s not a friend.

Both your local waiter and the cashier at your gas station accept you just the way you are. Because they don’t care about you. As long as you leave a good tip or pay for your gas with a good attitude, they’re fine with you. They really don’t care if you’re hurting yourself. A good friend does.

A good friend receives you just the way you are, not accepts you just the way you are.

A good friend receives you just the way you are. But they won’t accept your self-destructive behaviors, and they don’t want you to accept theirs.

We Don’t Accept Self-Destructive Behavior in People We Love

The world has this very confused. The world says, “love is love,” meaning any sexual relationship is acceptable if the people involved love each other. But that’s simply not true. Far too many churches, some whole denominations, have compromised on this point to gain the favor and acceptance of the world.

The world’s definition of “love” is not saying boo to anybody about what they do or how they live. But that’s not love. That’s indifference. Indifference (not hatred) is the opposite of love.

There are forces in the culture trying to bully us into accepting sexually immoral lifestyles as normal in the name of love. They do so, not because they love the people involved, but so that they get votes and cling to power. Once firmly entrenched in power, they will enslave the very people who voted for them.

Faithful are the wounds of a friend; but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful. (Proverbs 27:6)

Love is shouting, “Stop! You’re hurting yourself! Don’t do that!” Not out of legalism or religion, but out of an identification with the deep harm and pain the person is causing themselves.

The world hates Christians for this. Christians should be passionate for sexual integrity and purity – sex reserved for one man and one woman inside a marriage relationship.

Think about it – most of the lawlessness we see in our society today comes from fatherlessness, which is a direct result of sexual immorality.

To truly love people the way Jesus did, we need to be willing to tell them their lifestyle is self-destructive. Now please hear me. I’m not saying beat anybody over the head with your 97-pound Scofield Reference Bible. We need to be wise, which usually means being gentle, but sometimes not. But being wise always means being led by the Holy Spirit, communicating in a way the other person can understand. Whether they receive it or not is on them.

Good Wisdom from a Lousy Movie

Remember the movie Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull with Harrison Ford, Karen Allen, and Shia LeBeouf? Indiana Jones (played by Harrison Ford, of course) runs into his ex from Raiders of the Lost Ark, Marion Ravenwood (played by Karen Allen). She’s remarried and has a son (played by Shia LeBeouf).

Indiana talks to the boy who’s complaining about the rigorous education his mother tried to force on him, and how his dropping out of school has strained their relationship. Indiana Jones assures the boy school’s really no big deal. When Indiana sees Marion, he tells her to lighten up on the boy. After all, school’s not for everyone.

Marion tells Indiana the boy is actually his son. After he picks his jaw up off the floor, the first thing out of Indiana’s mouth is, “Why didn’t you make him stay in school?!?”

While a humorous scene in a silly movie, it illustrates a deeper point. When the boy was somebody else’s kid, Indiana Jones couldn’t care less about him, and just wanted him to be comfortable and happy. Primarily because that made life easier for Indiana Jones. Who wants to deal with somebody else’s problems?

But as soon as the young man was his son, well, suddenly, that’s different. Now he cares about what’s ultimately best for the boy, not just what brings happiness at this moment.

Good Parents Don’t Accept Just Anything

I have heard so many of my fellow parents say, “I just want my daughter (or son) to be happy).” I’m not a violent man, but when people say that, I just want to smack them.

“Don’t you love your child?” I want to scream at them. “Why on earth would you just want your child to be happy?”

There are so many more important things for your child to be than happy. What about maturity? What about loving God? What about self-sufficient? What about giving? What about being a person of character? None of those things are built into a person’s life by happiness, but by hard work, sacrifice, and choosing delayed gratification.

Honestly, if you just want your child to be happy, let him live with you in your basement playing video games until you die. We all know those people, and we pity them. Their parents have crippled their children for life.

Not Accepting and Controlling Are 2 Different Things

Not accepting self-destructive behavior doesn’t mean trying to control or manipulate the person into making good choices. It is their life and they have to live it and be responsible for it. Not accepting self-destructive behavior does not mean that we don’t honor their right to choose.

We need to let our children live their own adventure.

Not accepting self-destructive behavior means we speak up. For God’s sake, speak up! From a place of relationship, not legalism, we speak up. Put as many disclaimers on it as you want to soften the blow, but speak up. Tell your friend, or your family member if you have the relationship to do so, that they are harming themselves, or about to.

That’s your responsibility as a good friend, or a parent, or family. What they do with it is up to them. So we speak up, but we still honor their right to choose.

It’s Not about the Behavior. It’s about the Wounding.

Remember also that the real issue with self-destructive behavior, whether it’s addictions or sexual immorality, isn’t the behavior itself. It’s the hidden wounding causing the behavior. That’s what we need to get to. Get the person’s wounding healed, and the behavior will take care of itself.

That’s why so many people who quit smoking gain weight. The addiction just pops up somewhere else because the underlying wound was never dealt with.

That’s why legalizing same-sex marriage and normalizing transgender is so destructive in our society. These people are deeply wounded, to the extent that even their sexual attraction and gender identity are confused.

But our society puts a band-aid on their bleeding emotional artery and says, “No, you’re fine! No problem here.” And so we deny them the healing Jesus wants to give them. That is not love.

We need to love people enough to tell them the truth. In love, with all the disclaimers you want, but still the truth. With a spoonful of sugar maybe, but not watered down. Are you willing?

Your Turn

Has someone spoken into your life something that you initially resented, but later respected and appreciated them for? Or maybe you’ve taken the risk to share something the other person really needed to hear that you knew may not be well received? Tell us your story in the comments. And please share this post if it would bless others.

How to Do a Powerful Spiritual Reset in 2 Steps

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Starting in late February 2020, during Lent, our church embarked on a sermon series called “Reset: Next Generation.” We sought God through congregational fasting about if and how the Holy Spirit wants our church to change. We found out later that many prophetic voices across Christendom in that same time period received similar words. Reset.

Then covid-19 hit. Talk about a reset! It is pretty much resetting the whole world, which is not necessarily a bad thing, although it’s certainly painful.

I am in no way playing down the seriousness of covid-19, or the tragedy that has played out all around the world, from China to South Korea to Iran to Italy to Spain to France to New York. Nor am I downplaying the longer-term danger of this hour, where dark forces in our government are testing using this opportunity to steer America toward socialism. If history is any teacher, surrendering “rights” for “security” is a good way to lose both.

But, except for our indirect voice in voting, those decisions are way above our paygrade for most of us. So while, yes, all of that is in play, I think God is doing something else on a grass roots level, where each of us lives as individuals. God is offering every church, and more importantly each of us individually, own personal “reset” during this season.

If we, the people of God, correctly discern this season and reset accordingly to the opportunity God is affording us now, then everything else will fall into place. Because all those “bigger” things are just made up of people. So if people will reset, the churches will reset in intimacy. The government will reset in righteousness. Corporations will reset in integrity. Society will reset in godliness. Resets in all the “big” things above our paygrade start with resets in us.

If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and heal their land. – 2 Chronicles 7:14

The best thing about 2 Chronicles 7:14 is it doesn’t matter what the pagans do. It matters what God’s people do. If we take this opportunity to hear the Holy Spirit and reset our lives, God will take care of the rest and heal our land. I think God is inviting us to partner with him in ushering in the Third Great Awakening.

So how do we reset? We perform resets on our devices every day. I think we can learn a lot for this season by the way computers reset. In particular, here are two ways we can perform a godly reset during this golden opportunity.

1) What Memory Do You Need to Power Off?

We’ve all had the experience of working on a computer when either the power goes out or our laptop battery dies. Doh! I just lost all that work I didn’t save! In the computer industry, we have a saying: “There are two types of computer users: Those who have lost critical data, and those who are about to. Save often.”

When the power bounces and a computer resets, the first thing that happens is volatile memory is lost. Everything on the hard drive is still there, but whatever was actually inside the working memory of the computer is gone.

When God performed resets in the Bible, there is often something that needs to be forgotten. Not “forgotten” in the sense of “not remembered anymore”—it’s important to remember where we’ve come from and what God’s done for us so far. But “forgotten” in the sense of “not lived out anymore.”

For example, look at some of God’s resets in the Bible:

  • Israel’s Deliverance from Egypt through Moses. The people of Israel needed to forget how to live under oppression as slaves. Their inability to forget that lifestyle caused a lot of problems.
  • The Captivity in Babylon. God’s people needed to forget their godless, pagan practices and lifestyles.
  • The Cross. The greatest reset in human history so far, we could now forget legalism.
  • Jesus’ Return. Still to come, we will be able to forget injustice as he sets everything right.

What do you need to forget in your life? What godless lifestyle and/or practice do you need to leave behind? Going deeper, what pain is that thing medicating? What sin against you by someone else, what oppression, what injustice, does God want to heal?

2) Reset Your BIOS

When a computer boots up, the first program to execute is the BIOS, the Basic Input/Output System. Most computers display a splash screen while this is happening. A computer’s BIOS sets up the basic stuff it needs to operate—all the input/output devices, like the hard drive, the keyboard, the monitor, the mouse, the USB ports. A computer can’t do much without input or output. Neither can you.

In fact, all of a computer’s output, everything it does, is a function of the input it’s given. That’s why we say in the computer industry “GIGO: Garbage In, Garbage Out.” As humans, we work the same way.

Use this period of God’s reset to refresh your BIOS. What inputs are you allowing into your spirit? What media do you watch? What media do you listen to? The input you consume directly affects the output of your life, even if you don’t see it.

Often, tragically, we hold ourselves back from the fullness God has for us by the media we consume. Because we don’t experience that closeness to God, we don’t know what we’re missing. We think we’re fine but in reality we’re only living a shadow of what we could be.

Use this opportunity to re-evaluate all the media you consume, from video games to TV to movies to music. Don’t take anything for granted, but ask the Holy Spirit what that media looks like through God’s eyes.

One real simple litmus test for godly media: Does it contain or promote sex outside of marriage (between one man and one woman)?

If your favorite TV show has people sleeping together who aren’t married—or homosexual or transsexual characters where that lifestyle is portrayed as acceptable—watching that show is harming you. It doesn’t matter if the rest of the world is watching it. It’s moving you further away from God.

Does the music you’re listening to degrade women by reducing them to sex objects? Modern rap is notorious for this; although, there’s good rap out there too. Every generation has its unredeemed music. There’s a reason you’ve probably never heard the words to Glenn Miller’s 1940s hit “In the Mood.” You’ve probably only heard big bands play the instrumental version. Although the music is awesome, the words are straight lust.

Now I’m a musician, and I love secular music. There’s a lot of good stuff out there. So no legalism here, just fact. I’m just saying as the people of God, we need to be discerning about the media we allow ourselves to consume. Not to win brownie points on some legalistic checklist, but because it’s taking us further away from our lover-God.

The Question before Us

I believe, in this season of God’s reset upon the earth, he is wanting to launch the Third Great Awakening by drawing us back to himself. Will you turn off the TV, put down the headphones, silence your phone, and spend time with the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords, the God who loves you? Will you unplug for a moment and reset your life centered on Jesus? What an exciting time to be alive!

A Tale of Two Sons

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This post is based about Jesus’ parable of The Prodigal Son.

If you’re not familiar with it, read it first here.

Here’s my paraphrase of this story:

Younger son wants his due.
He wants it now.
It’s his just right.
Just ask him, he’ll tell you.

Father knows best.
But consents to give worst because
He knows younger son needs to discover for himself.
Discover the poison of his own desires.
Discover the selfishness of his own heart.
Discover that he’s hurting himself.
Discover he had it best with his Father.

So Father gives and waits and watches.
And waits and watches and waits and watches.
Younger son repents in the pig slop.
Father flies to him and restores.
Yes! Father’s heart cry is heard and fulfilled.

Older son wants his due.
He wants it now.
It’s his earned right.
Just ask him, he’ll tell you.

Father knows best.
Entreats his son who does his work
To also have his heart.
No! Father’s heart cry unheard by a deaf heart.

Who’s the main character in this story, The Prodigal Son (Luke 15:11-32)? Which son is this story really about? The younger son, whose rebellion we so readily identify with? Or the older son, too stuck in religion, too busy doing his father’s work to have his father’s heart?

Neither son! Trick question! This story’s about the Father and his heart for both of his sons. The Father is the main character.

The Younger Son Trapped in Rebellion

The younger son didn’t know who he was. He was rebellious and selfish, without love for his Father. His inheritance is what he would get when his Father died. Asking for it while his Father was still alive was saying, “I wish you were dead! You’re dead to me!”

He was deceived by living in the pleasure of the moment. It took a hard crash in the pig slop for him to come to his senses. To the younger son, the Father says, “Son, your sin has separated you from me and it’s breaking my heart. But I’m waiting. And when you turn, I’ll carry you back.”

That’s where the analogy breaks down, because God does more than just wait. In the movie Furious Love by Darren Wilson, Associate Pastor Kris Vallotton from Bethel Church in Redding, CA, describes God’s passionate love like this:

I’ve watched that over and over and over in people’s lives, where they go, “I don’t like God anymore.” Something terrible happens in their life, maybe their spouse dies or they lose a child, or all the crazy stories we hear, and they go, “That’s God’s fault, I blame God for that.” And they walk away. But God goes, “I still love you. I still care about you. And I will set up circumstances so that you will have to try very hard to not love me back. Because, in this marriage, I’m the bridegroom and you’re the bride. And in this marriage, I’m the one pursuing you. I’m the male in this relationship; I’m the pursuer. And I love you way more than you love me. You can try to reject me and play hard to get, but you have no idea how hard it’s going to be to not love me.”

God doesn’t just wait. He meddles. Constantly.

The Older Son Trapped in Religion

The older son didn’t know who he was, either. He was a loyal employee, with no more love for his Father than his younger brother. He was trying to earn by hard work what he already had by inheritance. And he wasn’t longing to celebrate with his Father, but with his buddies, deceived by the promise of earning future pleasure.

To the older son, the Father says, “Son, everything I have is yours and always has been. You can celebrate with me anytime you want. I am so here for you. But you’ve been too preoccupied doing my work to have my heart. I would rather have intimacy with you than 100 acres more crops.”

God is looking for lovers.

So often we minister out of our wounding, rather than out of intimacy with the Father. Ministering out of wounding, we can pursue the wrong calling and miss what he really had for us. How tragic to have spent a lifetime sacrificing and pursuing the wrong calling, constantly wondering why nothing’s working!

God is looking for lovers. It’s only in experiencing the ecstasy of intimacy relating to Jesus and the Father’s heart that we know who we really are and what we’re really for.

Your Turn

Do you want his heart? Will you give him yours? Which son have you been? Tell us your story in the comments, and share this post if it would bless others.

How to Validate Someone’s Pain

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As Christians, when we see someone hurting, we all want to help. That’s good, we should. The problem is, many of us have never been trained how to really help someone who’s hurting. We don’t know how, or even what to do. Often, unfortunately, well-meaning Christians do more harm than good.

As the church stands on the brink of the Third Great Awakening, our churches are going to be overwhelmed by a flood of hurting people. We need to get comfortable being around people who are hurting, without trying to fix them.

And it’s not just the unsaved coming into our churches who are hurting. There’s a huge number of people in our churches right now who are hurting. But they’re hiding their hurt because:

  1. They think they’re the only one. Look at all these happy people. I’m the only one who’s faking it. No, believe me, you’re really not.
  2. They’re afraid of being judged. Because either they have been in the past, or they’ve seen other people with similar issues be treated as “less than.”

So our lack of understanding is actually preventing people from getting the healing Jesus has for them. And that’s the last thing any of us want.

If you can’t go to the people of God when you’re hurting, where can you go?

But it doesn’t have to be this way. Before trying to solve the problem, or offering them help, there’s something important we need to do first. And it makes all the difference.

The single most important thing you can do to help someone who’s hurting is validate their pain. Before you do anything else, validate their pain. Validate how they feel. This gives them acceptance instead of judgement, and it creates a safe place.

So how do we do this?

Let Them Hurt

That sounds really strange, doesn’t it? Let them hurt?!? That’s not compassionate! Let me explain. I don’t mean ignore them or their pain. I don’t mean being cold or distant or uncompassionate or insensitive.

Here’s the deal. When someone’s going through their valley of the shadow of death, either physically, emotionally, or spiritually, we naturally want to find them an off-ramp. Out of compassion, we want to fix the problem for them. Don’t do that, because you can’t. Only Jesus is the healer.

What am I supposed to do then? I’m glad you asked.

Be Present

There’s a great model in Job 2:11-13.

They sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was. –Job 2:13

Job’s friends normally get a bad rap, and rightfully so. But they got it right for a whole week, when they just sat with him in the ashes of his life, and didn’t say anything. Then they opened their mouths, and it was all downhill from there.

Ok, so practically, how do we do this? Proverbs 18:21 says, “Life and death are in the power of the tongue.” What we say, and don’t say, is important.

What to NOT Say

Too often, we unintentionally discount people’s pain. The following are things well-meaning Christians often say, but are not helpful because they discount the person’s pain.

  • “I understand.”
     No, you really don’t. You haven’t experienced what they’re going through. And even if you have, you haven’t experienced it as them, with their backstory, their fears, and their previous hurts. They are a different person and are experiencing it differently than you would.
  • “I went through something similar…”
     This is not the time to tell your story. Listen to and validate their story. Telling your story, when they are trying to tell you theirs, minimizes their story and discounts their pain. Be a real listener. Don’t be a wait-to-talker.
  • “You’ll get through it.”
     Again, this minimizes their pain. What they are really hearing is, “No one understands me, my pain, what I’m going through, or how sacred I am. And it’s not ok for me to tell them. I better hide it.”
  • “Just have faith.”
     Whether you mean it or not, they hear condemnation: “They think I’m a bad Christian because I’m going through this.”
  • “God’s got this.”
     While very true, this totally discounts their pain. Whether you mean it or not, what they hear is, “You’re wrong to feel bad about this. Why are you so upset? Relax, God will work it all out.” While a great thing to tell yourself when you’re going through painful times, don’t flippantly say it to others.

Ok, so what should we say? What do we say to validate someone’s pain?

What to Say

Here are some great things to say. These things make the other person feel heard, and create a safe space for them to share and seek healing.

  • “Tell me more about that.”
     This is a great default when you don’t know what else to say.
  • “I’ve got no grid for what you’re going through. It must be really hard.”
     This is very validating; it invites them to share their feelings. It assures them you care and you’re listening.
  • “You’re really brave to face this.”
     This can be so validating. Believe me, they feel anything but brave right now.
  • “That must really hurt.”
     Again, an invitation to share their feelings, hurts, and fears.
  • “So do you feel like…”
     and take a guess at how they’re feeling. It doesn’t matter if you’re right or not. Just the fact that someone is trying to understand how they feel is huge.
  • “You’re not a bad Christian for going through this.”
     You may see tears with this one. Because believe me, the enemy, and sadly other Christians, have told them they are.
  • “I don’t know what to do.”
     It’s great to admit you don’t have all the answers. This validates them as a person because then they don’t have to feel condemned for not having all the answers either.

Don’t Try to Be the Professional

Don’t try to be their savior; that’s Jesus’ job. Don’t try to lead them through healing if (1) you haven’t received healing yourself, or (2) you don’t know what you’re doing. Especially if they have been through trauma (emotional or physical abuse, abortion, sexual abuse, etc.). Don’t try to be the professional when you aren’t.

Instead, ask if you can help them find the right help. Asking is very important. Never impose a solution by saying things like:

  • “You should read this book.”
  • “Here’s a counselor that deals with these issues.”

Get permission first. Ask first, like this:

  • “Would you like some resources to help with that?”
  • “Would you like me to help you find a counselor (or pastor) who deals with that?”

If they say yes, then you can ask them if they’ve read that book, or give them your counselor or pastoral recommendation. Now you have their permission and you’re not imposing one more thing on them. Now you’re being truly helpful.

If they say no, then just drop it. No matter how much you think your resource will help them, respect their no. They aren’t ready for it yet. Keep it in your back-pocket for another time when they’re ready.

If we do these things, we can make the church a safe place for hurting people. People won’t let us help them until they know they won’t be harmed by doing so. But if we validate their pain, we create a safe place for them to get healing.

Your Turn

How have you been validated (or not) by the church when you were hurting? What did people do that was helpful (or not)? Are you currently hiding because your church isn’t safe for what you’re struggling with? Tell us your story in the comments; let’s get this conversation going. (If your story is sensitive or private, you’re welcome to send us a private email here.) And please share this post if it would bless others.