Why to Help, Not Rescue, Someone Who’s Destroying Their Life

One of the most painful things in life is to watch one of our loved ones destroy their lives. It doesn’t matter if it’s drugs, alcohol, promiscuous sex, porn, gambling, or workaholism. Or something worse. When we medicate the pain in our lives instead of dealing with it, it’s always destructive. And it’s hard to watch. Sometimes it feels like watching a train wreck in slow motion.

If we’re going to really help, we’ve got to understand what’s healthy help and what’s unhealthy rescue.

Sometimes People Want Unhealthy Rescue Rather Than Healthy Help

Painfully, sometimes, the person destroying their life doesn’t want help. They want rescue.

So often, people don’t want to change the lifestyle that’s causing the pain in their lives. They just want to be free from the pain. It’s human nature to avoid pain. It takes bravery and courage to face it in order to receive healing.

It’s like someone banging their head on a brick wall. They want the headache to stop. But rather than being willing to stop banging their head on the brick wall, they’re looking for a helmet with more padding.

People in crisis often feel powerless. Like someone trapped on the third floor of a burning building, they want someone to pull up in a magic firetruck and rescue them from their pain.

Now don’t get me wrong. Yes, Jesus does rescue us. But Jesus is the only rescuer, and he only does so in partnership with us. We have to be willing to stop banging our head on the wall; i.e., stopping sinful lifestyle behaviors. And we need to be willing to face the pain those behaviors are medicating so Jesus can heal that pain.

Yes, we can significantly help people. We can help them find the fire-escape they didn’t see, and we can help them navigate it. We can link them up with resources they didn’t know about. But they have to be willing to use them. They can’t keep waiting at the window for the magic firetruck to show up.

Here are 3 reasons why we shouldn’t provide an unhealthy “magic firetruck” rescue for people.

1) They Have Right to Steward Their Life as They Choose

This is the hardest one. Janet and I have a wise friend who told us something we’ve never forgotten and often remind ourselves of:

Our children have to live their own adventure.

I hate that. I want to drive their boat. I want to just jump in there, and say, “Look, I’m over twice your age, and I know these waters. Let me get you off the sandbar you’re stuck on, avoid the rocks, and get you into safer waters. Then you can drive again.”

But that’s not healthy. That dishonors their God-given stewardship over their own life. I would just be forcing them to trade their dysfunctional coping mechanisms for mine, which does them no good in the end.

2) You Can’t Control Someone Else

Yes, ultimately, God is sovereign over our lives. We are stewards of our lives, not owners. But everyone has to choose for themselves whether to voluntarily let God sit on the throne of their life. Or not. God honors their choice, even when he disagrees with it. So must we.

You cannot control another person, no matter how much you think they would benefit from it.

“The only person I can control, on a good day, is myself.” – Danny Silk

That doesn’t mean condoning their choice. If they’re doing something destructive, yes, speak up. Point it out. But do so in a spirit of genuine concern rather than condemnation.

Condemnation is our (sinful) attempt to shame someone into doing the right thing, because, if we’re honest, we’re scared. Condemnation is an act of fear on our part. It’s using the enemy’s tools, which never ends well.

3) Interfering with Sowing and Reaping Hurts Them in the Long Run

Well-meaning parents do this all the time for their children. We need to let our loved ones own the problem.

If we’re solving the consequences of their bad decisions, then we are taking ownership of the problem away from them. We are interfering with God’s process of sowing and reaping.

If they are making poor choices, to the fullest extent possible, let them deal with the consequences. Let them own the problem.

That doesn’t mean we can’t help. But help, don’t rescue. Here’s how to tell the difference:

Rescuing removes the pain. Helping does not.

If you completely remove the pain from a situation they’ve caused, you’re rescuing, not helping.

Think of it like this. They are the rookie quarterback on the football field, with 10 seconds left in the game. You’re the coach. They have one shot to execute the winning play. As a former all-star, hall-of-fame, quarterback yourself, you could go out on the field and execute the play for them.

But you don’t. As the coach, you call the play, but they have to execute it. And they can choose not to. The quarterback can call an audible at the line and change the play. Maybe as they see how the defense is lining up, they decide the play you called won’t work. It’s their choice. The quarterback can modify the play or change it all together.

And they own the results.

Let Them Own Their Problem

At the end of the day, they have to live with the consequences of their choices. True, no one is responsible for the evil done to them. But we are responsible for our response to it.

“The last of the human freedoms: to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances.” — Viktor Frankl, Holocaust Survivor in his book Man’s Search for Meaning

Letting someone own their problem, and the consequences, is painful, especially when we can alleviate their suffering in the short term. But if we interfere with God’s design of sowing of reaping, we’re actually hurting them in the long run. Yes, totally help. But don’t rescue.

Your Turn

Have you been on either side of this principle? Has a painful season of sowing and reaping taught you valuable life lessons? Have you had to let a family member go down a destructive or foolish path to learn for themselves? Or have you been that family member?

Tell us your story in the comments and please share if this would bless someone else.