Love Is Unconditional. Relationship Is Not.

How, as a Christian redeemed by a loving God, do we relate to people we love who are behaving badly and hurtfully? The truth is, love is unconditional. Relationship is not.

But we should be forgiving, right? Seventy times seven! Love keeps no record of wrongs! Turn the other cheek! Gaslighters, narcissists, and other unhealthy people love to quote these verses when it benefits them. Of course, they conveniently forget about the verses that call out their hurtful (and dare I say, sinful, behavior). They don’t live by the Bible or follow God. But they want to exploit the fact that you do.

The truth is, allowing an unhealthy person to trample over you with unhealthy behavior is not following the Bible at all:

“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” (Proverbs 4:23) Setting boundaries to guard your heart is biblical.
“Each of you should give what you have decided in your heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.” (2 Corinthians 9:7) What we choose to give to others, time, energy, and resources, should be a choice made in freedom, not out of coercion or guilt. It is biblical to say no.
“Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs.” (Matthew 7:6a) Jesus was pretty graphic about setting boundaries!
“Jesus would not entrust himself to them.” (John 2:24a) Jesus set boundaries himself.

2 Things Can Be True

Two things can be true. We love the person. They are our family member. Our friend. Our parent. Our child. AND they are behaving badly. Both are true, and one does not discount the other.

Acknowledging their hurtful behavior does not discount or compromise our love for them. And our love for them does not mean we can’t address their hurtful behavior with wisdom in a way that protects our heart.

Hurt vs Harm

So often we don’t want to set a boundary because we know it will hurt the other person. It certainly might. No one likes to have a limit placed on them by someone they love. But just because they won’t like our boundary, or it might even feel hurtful to them, does not mean it harms them.

In their book Boundaries, Christian therapists Dr Henry Cloud and Dr John Townsend explain the difference between hurt and harm with an analogy of going to the dentist:

Therapist: When the dentist filled your cavity, did he hurt you?
Client: Yes, I hate the drilling!
Therapist: But did he harm you?
Client: No, he helped me. He repaired damage to a tooth so it wouldn’t get any worse.
Therapist: When you ate the sugar that gave you the cavity, did it hurt you?
Client: No, it tasted good.
Therapist: But did it harm you?
Client: Yes, it gave me a cavity!

Yes, setting a healthy boundary to protect your heart may hurt the other person, but it does not harm them. And, if they are acting in an unhealthy way, it can actually help them. Because your boundary is an invitation for them to deal with their stuff.

2 Types of People

There are two types of people: Those who accept your boundary graciously and those who won’t. Neither likes the boundary. Healthy people feel disappointed; your boundary is saying no to something they wanted. But they respect your space and your preferences.

Unhealthy people feel attacked and threatened by your boundary. Your healthy boundary violates their unhealthy sense of control, and that triggers their fear. Fear motivates, and self-justifies, a lot of unhealthy behavior.

Their reaction to your boundary, respect or contempt, is a reflection of their maturity. It’s not about you.

An Example: What is, and is not, worth setting a boundary over.

For example, here in America, there is an unhealthy rash of people cutting off relationships with friends, family members, even their parents, because of opposing political beliefs.

This saddens me. One of the bedrock foundational tenants America is built on is that we can disagree and still get along. And Christians should exemplify this more than anyone, because we see and honor the image of God in the other person.

Holding different political beliefs, in and of itself, is not a reason for setting a boundary. But if the other person can’t stop talking about it, especially in a dogmatic, domineering, and disrespectful way, then you can set a boundary:

For example: “I value our relationship, but these political arguments are not life-giving to me. I respect your views even though I don’t always agree with them, but I don’t feel like my views are respected. So I need to stop now. Can we please talk about something else?”

If the person does not respect your no, then it’s time to set a boundary: “You can talk politics all you want, but if you bring it up with me, I’m going to excuse myself.”

No explaining or defending. Just informing.

You are not asking for their permission or agreement to set the boundary.

Do not explain or defend your boundary. Just restate it. However much they object, just repeat the same sentence over and over again. Word for word. Yes, be a broken record (boomers will get that reference :P).

You don’t have to explain your boundary because the unhealthy person understands it perfectly well. They just don’t like it. Which is fine. They don’t have to like it.

And don’t defend it. They really want you to defend it, because they want to suck you into an argument. Arguing is an unhealthy person’s turf. They justify staying unhealthy by winning arguments. So refuse to play that game.

But what if they react badly?

So what? Let them. They can throw a fit if they want. That’s on them, not on you. You are not responsible for their unhealthy reaction to your healthy boundary.

And you do not have to be present while they throw their fit. You can leave the room. You do not have to endure disrespectful behavior. We train other people how to treat us by what we tolerate. Train other people to treat you well by not sticking around when they start behaving badly.

In Conclusion

So, yes. We love everyone. We don’t withdraw our love from anybody. But we will withdraw our presence. If they are unwilling or unable to steward our heart well, they don’t get to be close enough to damage it.

Because, while love is unconditional, relationship is not.

Your Turn

Does this resonate? Have you set boundaries with people who didn’t like it? How’d that go? Tell us your story in the comments.

Do You Want Help?

Do you feel like you’re always the one giving in the relationship? Is your internal value, the story your heart tells yourself about yourself, held hostage to other people’s approval? Reach out to Dave and Janet for an inner healing session. We use a combination of Biblical truth and brain science to facilitate a safe, gentle way to experience a two-way connection with Jesus, get unstuck, and receive the healing he has for you.