How to Fail with Grace

Failure is a part of life, and how we handle it reveals our character. I’m not talking about the iterative failures, like practicing a skill and getting gradually better. I’m not even talking about moral failures or sin, although how we handle that also reveals our character.

I’m talking about the “can’t get there from here” failures, where you realize it’s time to cut your losses and move on. I’m talking about when you realize something not only didn’t work, but isn’t going to work.

There is a time to “stay the course,” and not let a failure dissuade you from your goals. But there is also a time to cut your losses and move in a different direction. How to tell the difference is the sticky wicket, but that’s the subject for another post.

Reality checks hurt. But they are also extremely useful. Here are 4 things to do that transform present failures into future successes.

1) Treat Everything Like an Experiment

I recently failed at a major video project I’d put a lot of time and effort into. Called Having Hard Conversations, it was a series of four videos targeting adult Sunday schools and small groups in churches. The goal was to talk about things we aren’t typically talking about in church, but should be, like depression, trauma, suicide, and being post-abortive.

After making two of the four videos (depression and post-abortive), I realized I just was not hitting the video production quality the project required to be successful. Although the actual content was excellent, it was clearly amateur video, not production quality. No pastor would use, let alone buy, these videos for his adult Sunday school or small group. They’re just not sufficient quality.

This can be scary to admit, because “failure” is the worst label anyone can be taunted with. But the truth is, I didn’t fail. The project failed. There’s a huge difference. It was a good idea, and I tried my best. The only way to know it wasn’t going to work was to try it.

Some of us came from families where it wasn’t ok to try and fail. If you didn’t do something perfect the first time, you were shamed. That taught us to never try, to never take risks. This comes from the lie that your value is your success.

But the truth is, you are not what you do. Failing at stuff does not make you a failure. You didn’t fail; the thing you tried failed. The experiment failed.

So try new stuff. Treat everything like an experiment. It’s ok if it fails. It’s no reflection on you.

2) Lick Your Wounds

Even so, it still hurts to fail, especially coming to the realization that what you worked so hard at just isn’t going to work.

Be honest with yourself. Allow yourself to grieve the loss of that idea. Grieving gives your heart closure, and opens the door for the next thing. You don’t want the next idea to be saddled with baggage from the previous one.

So lick your wounds, and admit it hurts. Then pick yourself up, dust yourself off, re-evaluate, and move forward.

3) Learn Something

Do a “lessons learned” session. What went right? What went wrong? Write these lessons down so you don’t repeat what didn’t work, but can leverage what did.

It’s healthy (and important!) to learn what you’re good at, and what you’re not good at.

One of the biggest failures in the Bible was the Apostle Paul’s trip to Athens, Greece. You can read the story in Acts 17:16-18:1.

The upshot is that Paul was greatly distressed to find Athens so full of idols. There was even an idol to an unknown god, in case they missed one. Paul knew the Greeks were into logic. So when he got to speak to the city’s thought leaders, he made a very logical argument. He cleverly used the “unknown god” idol as an entry point. He referenced their own poets and literature. It was actually a brilliant speech to lead someone from idol worship to Jesus.

It was also a dismal failure. They laughed and sneered at him. Then they pocket-vetoed him. As they dismissed him, they told him “we want to hear you again on this subject.” Yeah, right. They never called him; it was just an easy way to show him the door.

Paul had very little success in Athens. But he learned something. He made a resolution within himself. His next stop was Corinth, and, based on his failure in Athens, his message in Corinth was very different. He wrote about it later:

I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. I came to you in weakness with great fear and trembling. My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit’s power, so that your faith might not rest on human wisdom, but on God’s power. – Paul, 1 Corinthians 2:2-5

This is a very different approach than he used in Athens. No more wise and persuasive words, he resolved to know only Jesus crucified, and use only the argument of the Spirit’s power.

Paul learned from his failure. So can we.

4) Increased Clarity Is a Win

From his failure in Athens, the Apostle Paul got great clarity about what his message should be moving forward, and it shaped the rest of his ministry.

Before starting my video project, my well-thought out plan looked like a winner. It should’ve worked, but it didn’t. Now I know why. I learned a ton along the way. My faulty assumptions were revealed. Professional quality video is a lot harder than I originally thought.

I still think Having Hard Conversations is an important message, and I’m not giving up on it. If our churches are going to host the Third Great Awakening, our churches have to become a safe place for people to grieve and heal. I’m still passionate about seeing that happen.

Having failed at producing adult Sunday school quality, full-length, professional video, I have better clarity now. I can’t bring about the change I want to see through that means, at least not with my present resources or abilities.

But I have a ton of great soundbites from experts, as well as my own soundbites, that would make a lot of great, short (< 5 min) videos on YouTube. Maybe we launch a YouTube channel on this subject. A two to five-minute video on YouTube requires a lot less quality, and can be just, if not more, impactful to the culture at large.

The seeds of your future success are your failures today.

So try stuff. You can’t move on to what works until you’ve discovered what doesn’t. And you only discover what doesn’t work by trying stuff.

What About You?

What have you failed at, where you realized you had to cut your losses? How did you do that? Your story will help others; please tell us in the comments. What are you struggling with now? Can the community help you? And please share this post if it will bless others.