4 Steps to Authentic Relationships

This morning, as I look out on our deck, I see a glorious new day with radiant sunshine. It speaks of promise. Each day brings beauty and the prospect of hope.

However, the visual beauty is marred by something ugly. As someone who finds beauty restorative, I find this disturbing. You see, I love my flower boxes on the railing around our deck. They bring such beauty with colors of pink and purple. Unfortunately, the critters, namely squirrels, mess with my flowers. They tear up my beautiful petunias much to my consternation. So, in fighting back to protect my territory, I put netting and cages around my flower boxes.

Well, there’s good and bad here. This sort of worked. It is a deterrent to those pesky squirrels, but, boy, do they look ugly! These cages I built to keep stuff out is ruining the lovely view I want.

As I mediated on this image this morning, I couldn’t help but think of how inner vows we make in life are like those cages. Yes, they keep us in prison. Really??? Wow! Who knew? I thought I was protecting myself from those things that would hurt me, but in the process, good, healthy relationship has been shut out also.

So what is an inner vow? Inner vows often use the words “always” and “never.”

• “I will never be angry like my mom. Emotions are bad. I will always stay in control.”
• “I will always be a good girl and never make anyone upset.”
• “I will never allow anyone close enough to hurt me.”
• “I will always be the good guy. I will make you love me.”
• “I will always avoid conflict and be the peace keeper.”

Inner vows keep us in a cage that, while beautifully decorated on the inside, is very lonely.

So how does that work? Well, I’m glad you asked. It’s so easy to will in our hearts things that don’t seem like a big deal at the time. But each vow is like the bar of a prison.

The strongest inner vows happen when we are young. Often before we even have language. We judge the world around us as safe or not safe. In childhood, we determine in our little hearts what is to be trusted in the world. We can also judge our parents from our own perspective.

Oftentimes, I may not even know there is an inner vow working in my life. But there is bad fruit manifesting in our relationships.

Yes! That’s why we need to be in relationship with others in the Body of Christ. In loving relationships, we can see where we are closing ourselves off from each other.

As we grow in love, we want to be in healthy relationships with healthy boundaries. Healthy means loving people and allowing people into our lives. The Lord has called us to love others and love Him. We are not meant to isolate ourselves from people like islands in the middle of the ocean. The Kingdom of God is about relationships.

That’s where my cage is a problem. While protecting myself from being hurt by others, I have also protected myself from good, healthy relationships. I’ve prevented myself from being able to love others or to receive healthy love from others.

So how do we break out of this mess? The place to start is to renounce and repent of those unhealthy inner vows and be free of those walls that keep us trapped. Then we are in a healthier place to love and be loved.

Here’s 4 steps for breaking the power of inner vows over my life:

1. Repentance and confession for my responses that led me to make that vow.
2. Forgiveness of those who’ve hurt me.
3. Renounce the vow. Come out of agreement with the lie behind the vow.
4. Replace the lie with God’s truth. Ask the Holy Spirit for the truth the lie was hiding from you.

Our agreement is everything. Inner vows are tied to a false identity. By renouncing inner vows and coming out of agreement with them, we’re taking back our ability to trust Jesus.

How about you? Do you hide behind a mask in your relationships? Or have you learned healthy boundaries? Or, like most of us, are you in the middle somewhere, learning to be vulnerable? Tell us in the comments, and please share if this would bless someone else.