Why Friendship Is the Foundation of Our Relationship with God

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What’s the most critical part of a building? Why is the Leaning Tower of Pisa leaning? It’s all in the foundation. If the foundation isn’t right, it doesn’t matter how great the rest of the building is. The owner is going to have severe problems.

If the foundation of our relationship with God isn’t built on the right thing, we’re never going to live the abundant life Jesus came to give us (John 10:10). What is your relationship with God based on? What is the foundation?

Before we talk about what should be, here are 3 things that shouldn’t be the foundation of our relationship with God. Unfortunately, while these things are important, churches often teach them as the foundation. That’s a mistake.

(1) Not Obedience

Yes, obedience is important. We can’t love Jesus and live a sinful lifestyle (John 14:15, 1 John 2:3-6, 1 John 3:24). But if obedience is the foundation of our relationship with God, then Christianity is no better than Islam.

And, yes, Jesus ended the Sermon on the Mount with a parable about the foundation of putting his words into practice (Matthew 7:21-23). God’s principles work for whoever uses them; they are a great foundation to build your life on. But obedience to principles shouldn’t be the foundation of our relationship with God.

Churches teach obedience as the foundation when they are building their own Empire, instead of the Kingdom of God. Churches are often so afraid of people’s sin that they try to control it. But God doesn’t control sin; he deals with it. Church is not supposed to be sin management. It’s supposed to be life transformation.

While important, obedience isn’t the foundation of our relationship with God.

(2) Not Belief

Belief is important. Good doctrine is important. Faith is important. And while all are important to our Christian life, none of these should be the foundation.

Many churches have fallen into this trap. Again, if belief and good doctrine are the foundation of our relationship with God, then Christianity is no better than Islam.

Unfortunately in the West, we’ve exalted our intellect, gotten all up in our heads, and made idols out of logic, science, medicine, and technology. There’s nothing wrong with those things when kept in proper perspective.

But when we live like we have it all figured out, we devalue our hearts, which is where God wants to go. Jesus was much more concerned with the heart than the intellect. He said, “My Father will love them, and we will come to them and make our home with them” (John 14:23b). I don’t know anyone who thinks God wants to live in your brain.

Again, Jesus said, “Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also” (Matthew 6:21). He’s concerned more about where our hearts are than our logic and reason.

(3) Not Experience

Experiencing God is important, yes! We can’t say we know someone if we don’t experience them. But experience itself is not the foundation. If experience is our foundation, then Christianity is no better than Buddhism.

I love baseball. I have a great time whenever I go to a game with 20,000 of my closest friends. We share an experience, cheering on our favorite team. I spend several hours there having a great experience. But it’s entertainment. It’s not life-changing.

When we fall into this trap, our churches become entertainment instead of the life transforming hospital they are meant to be. You aren’t typically personal friends with your heart surgeon, even though you’ve had a life-saving experience with him or her.

Our Solid Foundation — Friendship

So what should the foundation of our relationship with God be? Friendship with Jesus.

Many former Christians are “deconstructing” their faith right now (“falling away” in Biblical terms), because, while they had the trappings of Christianity – obedience, belief, and even experience with Jesus – they never had friendship with Jesus. They never had that level of relationship.

“The foundation of our relationship with God is friendship. Friendship is the process of healing.” – Brain Orme

Friendship with God is being on a first name basis. That’s not a lack of respect. It’s asking God, “Hey, what do you think about what’s happening in the world right now?” instead of being told by the godless media what to think. We adopt his perspective, and see past the events and immediate circumstances of our lives.

We talk to him about our job, our family, our hopes and dreams. We share the ups and the downs, and we ask his advice. He’s got opinions. We do life with him, not just visit him for an hour or two on Sunday morning.

Friendship with God heals our orphan-spirit and sends us out as daughters and sons. Churchianity sends out orphans who just build more orphanages.

Friendship with God is a partnership with him for our life. He calls us to uncomfortable, often scary, action. But he promises to be with us; we’re never alone. We’re like a child learning to walk while holding their parents fingers – doing something we’ve never done before, while holding his hand.

So Who’s Your Friend?

What is the foundation of your relationship with God? Obedience? Belief? Experience? Or friendship? Did this post challenge you to think differently? Tell us in the comments; we want to hear from you. What do you think? And please share this post if it would bless others.

Credit where Credit Is Due

The concepts in this post come from the Face to Face podcast, hosted by Cathy Little and Melinda Wilson; in particular; Episode 107, an interview with Brian Orme, author of The Ascended Life (not affiliate links). I highly recommend their podcast.

4 Ways to Deescalate Conflict

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If you’ve been watching The Chosen, you’ve seen a brilliant (fictitious) example of Jesus de-escalating conflict in Season 3 Episode 8. Spoiler Alert: If you haven’t seen it, go watch it, then come back and read this post.

[Aside: If you’re new to The Chosen, it’s a multi-season show about the life of Christ through the eyes of the people who met him. It’s professionally done (not another cheesy Bible project). And I’ve never seen any show or movie that captures the heart of Jesus like this one does. I highly recommend it. But you have to watch it from the beginning, Season 1 Episode 1, or you won’t get it. You can watch the whole thing for free by downloading the free The Chosen app.]

As usual, even the fictitious scenes in The Chosen reflect Biblical principles. The writers did a brilliant job showing Jesus deescalate a potentially violent situation between 4 different rival ethnic groups, all at odds with each other.

A Little Brain Science

First, a little science about how our brains work in conflict situations. Here’s a short 90-second video of the “hand-brain model,” using your hand as a model for the brain.

Our brain’s cerebral cortex, where our rational thought takes place, is a very slow processor. In conflict, we don’t have time for that, so it goes off-line, leaving our decision making to our hypothalamus (where our emotions live) and our brain stem (fight or flight).

This is how God wired us as humans to survive in dangerous situations.

But to successfully navigate conflict, we need everybody involved to get out of fight-or-flight mode and back into their cerebral cortex, so we can have a rational conversation.

A Disclaimer

My assumption going in is that everyone involved is more healthy than toxic. If you’re dealing with a narcissist, or someone else who’s more toxic than healthy, these techniques may not work. A narcissist is only interested in winning. They don’t really want to solve the problem; they just want their way.

When you’re dealing with someone who’s more toxic than healthy, what you say doesn’t matter. Only what you do matters; actions are the only language they understand. If that’s your situation, I strongly recommend getting counseling to learn the tools you need to deal with it effectively and safely.

But for people who are more healthy than toxic, these techniques can go a long way.

Here are 4 actions we can take to de-escalate conflict, with (mostly!) healthy people, as much as it depends upon us. These do not go in any particular order. They can repeat. And in any given situation, you might do only one, a couple, or all of them.

(1) Take a Non-Threatening Posture

As Jesus and the disciples are surrounded by these rival groups shouting at each other and mocking him, he does the most counter-intuitive thing possible.

He sits down. And although they reluctantly sit with him, his disciples aren’t happy about it. There are angry, rival groups standing around them. When the disciples point out to Jesus that “we look weak and defenseless,” Jesus just smiles. Because that’s the point.

In a conflict, people are tense and ramped-up because they’re scared. They feel threatened. Taking a non-threatening posture can alleviate the tension, inviting the other person (or people) to ramp-down, because there is no threat.

This doesn’t mean you have to physically sit down. In fact, everyone may already be sitting, but still be spun-up because of the emotional threat they anticipate in the conversation. Ask the Holy Spirit how to take a non-threatening posture in your situation, either physically or verbally. It might mean taking the actions below.

(2) Ask Questions without Judging the Answers

Questions are a brilliant way of slowing people down. They move people out of fight-or-flight mode because their cerebral cortex is required to answer the question. Questions, and you waiting patiently for the answer, slow people down, inviting their cerebral cortex to come back online.

Several times in this scene, Jesus asks questions. Questions are a great way to help everyone involved establish the facts of what actually happened in the situation causing the conflict. Questions communicate respect by giving everyone a chance to answer and be heard. And communicating respect lowers the perceived threat-level, inviting the other person’s cerebral cortex to come back online.

Here are some pro tips for asking good questions:

  • Don’t ask yes or no questions. No cerebral cortex required for that. Ask open-ended questions.
  • Wait for the other person to answer. Get comfortable with dead air. Don’t jump in to break an uncomfortable silence. Once you ask a question, let them speak next.

(3) Tell Stories

Jesus was a genius at storytelling. Word pictures, analogies, and parables invite the other person to move from fight-or-flight move into ponder mode. You can’t think through a word picture with your amygdala; you need your cerebral cortex for that.

The Chosen writers expertly weave many of Jesus’ parables into this scene.

Ask the Holy Spirit for a word picture that describes your side of the conflict, particularly one that communicates how you feel.

(4) Look for Opportunities to Meet a Need

In this fictitious scene, Jesus heals a man with a broken leg. This gets the respect of the rival groups, and they all sit down and listen to him. Then Jesus proceeds to sort out the conflict with questions and stories.

You may not have the opportunity to do a miracle. Or you may; the Holy Spirit still invites us into the miraculous today. But is someone in the room hurting because of an unmet need?

I guarantee you this: When they came into the conflict, they did not expect anyone in the room to meet their need voluntarily; they were ready to fight for it.

If you meet a need, even a small one that’s not the subject of the conflict, it greatly lowers the perceived level of threat. Ask the Holy Spirit what need you can meet. It could be as simple as offering a blanket because they look cold. Or a glass of water before you start.

Your Turn

Does this resonate? Have you used, or seen used, any of these techniques to de-escalate conflict? Tell us your story in the comments. And please share this post if it would bless others.

How to Not Starve on Relationship Breadcrumbs

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Thomas just wanted peace in his home. That’s a good thing, isn’t it? He lived in constant fear of his wife leaving. All she had to do to get her way was yell at him, and he’d capitulate. Even if he knew it wasn’t the right thing, he did whatever was necessary to keep the peace. He lost the fire in his heart a long time ago, sacrificing the vision that made his heart soar for peace in his home.

Vanessa just wanted a peaceful holiday meal. Can everybody just get along for 6 hours? At least pretend to? She went out of her way to make something everyone liked, have activities everyone liked, and be the buffer between certain family members who apparently thrive on conflict. But everyone seemed to take for granted all her efforts to keep the peace. She’d long forgotten what she actually enjoyed.

Thomas and Vanessa have something in common. They’ve both sacrificed themselves for the sake of others to an extreme. To the point where they’ve forgotten who they themselves are and what makes their heart sing. They are both peace keepers.

But didn’t Jesus say in Matthew 5:9, “Blessed are the peace keepers?” No, he didn’t. He totally did not. That verse actually says, “Blessed are the peace makers, for they will be called sons of God.” Did you catch that? Peace makers not peace keepers. What’s the difference?

Peace keepers abandon what they know to be true, God’s calling on their life, even their very identity, for the sake of peace. To a peace keeper, the world is coming to an end if someone’s mad. The pain of someone being angry with them is too great. I know. I did this for decades. Having someone angry at me was excruciating because I believed the lie that it was my fault and hence I wasn’t lovable.

Peace keepers live in fear. Fear of the other person terminating the relationship. Fear of being yelled at. Fear of it being all their fault. They are starving for whatever relationship breadcrumbs the other person decides to throw their way.

Peace keepers surrender what they know is right for the sake of peace. But some peace isn’t worth having. If that peace is based on selfish desires—instant gratification—the things of our old sinful nature, that peace is a false peace not worth having. That’s not peace.

Peace is not just the absence of conflict. Peace is a Kingdom of God thing. It’s got to do with rest. Confidence. Security. And the foundational knowledge that God is with you because you’re moving in what he’s called you to do. You’re living life his way.

Peace makers go hard after God’s calling on their life. They won’t compromise it. But they aren’t a jerk about it either. They don’t try to manipulate or force others into it. They find a way to communicate it and, if need be, pursue it in spite of opposition, even from family. They invite their family and their inner circle to come along.

Peace makers invite peace. They don’t surrender for it. It’s neither capitulation, manipulation, nor aggression. It’s an invitation.

“I know God is leading me this way, and my hand is open to you, inviting you to come along. You don’t have to come, although I hope you do. But whether you do or not, that’s where I’m going.” –Invitation of a Peace Maker

But aren’t we supposed to surrender? Didn’t Jesus say, “deny yourself?” Yes, he did, and I love Luke 9:23: “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.” I have that book-marked in my Bible. That’s one of my favorite verses.

But don’t it get twisted to mean something Jesus never intended. What are you denying yourself for? What Jesus has called you to, not to please people. Who are we supposed to surrender to? Jesus—not some bully.

The good news is, you can totally move from peace keeper to peace maker. I paid a price for making this move. The bullies in my life were not happy they could no longer control me, and some of them painfully ended relationship. They were fine with the Dave who would sacrifice everything for them, but not so much with the Dave who spoke life and learned to say “no.” It was very painful and still is.

But it’s so worth it to boldly step out into what God has for you and darn the torpedoes. Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not advocating being stupid. I’m advocating boldness, not brashness. I’m no longer living in fear. Walking out God’s vision in our life is the most exhilarating adventure ever.

Here are 2 tips that helped me move from a fearful peace keeper to a bold peace maker. If you’re a peace keeper, I pray they help you as well.

1) Not everyone’s point-of-view is equally valid.

I came into every conversation thinking the other person wanted to legitimately solve the problem like I did. I assumed they were pursuing, not their own agenda, but what was mutually best for everyone like I was. Unfortunately, and I found this out the hard way, that’s not always true.

Some people don’t enter into an argument to find what’s best, they are just trying to win. Do not give these people’s point-of-view the same weight as your own. That sounds unfair, but believe me, they are not giving your point-of-view the time of day. They are just trying to win. They don’t care about what’s good, right, and true.

Although they appear self-confident, deep down some people are very insecure and very self-condemning. They are believing a lot of foundational lies about themselves, and they are trying to protect their own heart through controlling you and everything else.

You can recognize these people by a few tell-tale signs:

  • They take disagreement as a personal attack.
  • In general, they don’t sacrifice for anybody.

2) The world is not coming to an end because someone is angry with you.

You don’t have to walk on egg shells. You don’t have to wear kid gloves. You deserve to be treated like a human being, even if you’re wrong. You deserve to be respected by the other person even when they disagree with you.

Choose to require respect. Don’t demand it or be a jerk about it. Don’t escalate the situation to their level. Instead, here’s some ways to require respect.

  • Have the conversation in a public place, like a coffee shop or a restaurant, or even a park with people around. There is much more social pressure on the other person to be respectful and not make a scene than when you’re in private. A coffee shop or a Paneras-like restaurant is better, because you pay up-front and don’t have your check holding you there (see below).
  • Say something like this: “I want to have this conversation with you, but you can’t talk to me like that. We can try again when you’re ready to treat me with respect.” Then simply walk out of the room (if you’re at home) or get in your car and drive away (if you’re in a public place). Don’t let their cat-calls stop you. Once you decide to leave, go.

If you’re doing your best to follow Jesus and not pursue your own selfish agenda, denying yourself for the sake of the calling on your life, then, in general, their anger is not your fault. They have a choice of how they respond. So do you.

You are allowed to make honest mistakes. It’s called learning. You are allowed to even be wrong. It’s called being human. You still deserve love and respect.

You deserve love and respect because you are valuable to God, not because of what you do or provide.

Don’t starve begging for relationship breadcrumbs. You are worth the whole 4-course meal.

Did this post touch a chord? Did it resonate? Tell us your story in the comments. And please share on social media if it would bless someone else.

How to Tell if You’re Motivated by Wounding or Calling

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Everything we do in life is driven by one of these two things. At the end of the day, these are the only two motivations in the human experience. Everything we do is driven by either our wounding or our calling. Here’s an example.

Bob and Ted both help their church one Saturday morning a month serving breakfast at the local homeless shelter. They both get up at 5:00 AM, so they can be at the shelter by 6:00 to have breakfast ready for the residents at 7:00. They’re both happy to do whatever’s needed—scrambling dozens of eggs, cooking bacon, toasting slices and slices of toast, washing dishes, talking to and praying with the residents. Both are faithful. Both feel great afterwards, having been blessed with the opportunity to serve. But while they both look exactly the same from the outside, there’s a big difference inside.

Driving home, Bob is jazzed. He feels so good. For a few brief, shining moments, he feels good about himself, having done something good. Maybe that compensates for all his failures. Maybe, for a few hours, that’ll drown out the shame that just won’t let him go. Bob is serving out of his wounding.

Meanwhile, Ted is driving home, and he’s also jazzed. He feels so good. When he’s eating and talking with the shelter residents, he identifies with them. He doesn’t see a dirty homeless man. He sees a broken heart. He sees potential. He sees God’s hand of anointing and purpose on these precious people who have been so deceived and beaten up by the world. And Ted feels privileged to be with them, to tell them the truth of who they really are, how much they’re loved by God, and to pray with them. Ted’s high will last for days. Ted is serving out of his calling.

Do you see the difference? Both are doing the same actions. Both look exactly the same on the outside. Both get good feelings out of it (which is the outworking of a Kingdom principle, BTW. You can control your emotions by serving.) [https://identityinwholeness.com/how-to-control-your-emotions/]

But their motivations are totally different. Bob is serving for the benefit to himself. He’s medicating pain. He may or may not feel guilted into it, but either way, his wounding pushes him to serve. Ted, on the other hand, is serving for the benefit of the people he’s serving. He feels drawn to them. His calling pulls him into serving. He can’t not serve.

Let’s look at another example.

Bob and Ted both get home after the homeless shelter feeding and get their daughters ready for swim practice at the local pool. Their kids are both on the same swim team, and both Bob and Ted are very involved in helping the coach with the team.

Bob was a swimmer in his youth and a strong contender for the Olympics, until the injury. That ended that. But his daughter has an opportunity to succeed where Bob failed. So he pushes her to swim harder, faster, better. And he doesn’t understand why she seems to resent all he’s sacrificing so she can have this opportunity. Going to swim meets all over the country isn’t cheap. He’s living vicariously through his daughter. His wounding is pushing him and his daughter. This movie doesn’t end well. Maybe you’ve seen it. Maybe you’ve lived it.

Ted, on the other hand, can think of a thousand other things he’d rather be doing than spending Saturday at the pool. Mowing the lawn, mending that fence, trimming the roses. He loves being outside, and doesn’t look forward to spending another Saturday indoors at the pool smelling chlorine all day.

But from birth, his daughter was as comfortable in the water as she was on land. No one had to teach her how to blow bubbles in the bathtub, or to put her face under the water. She just did it naturally. She was almost swimming before she could walk. Ted realized something about his child: God hard-wired her to swim. So he silently sacrifices his Saturdays because he knows that as her father it’s his calling to gently guide her into who God created her to be.

Do you see the difference? Again, Bob and Ted look exactly the same from the outside. They both go to all their daughter’s swim practices and swim meets. They both help out the coach with the team however they can. But their inner motivations are totally different. Pushed by his wounding, Bob is doing it for himself, in a fruitless attempt to ease the pain. But Ted is pulled by his calling. He can’t not be there for his daughter, for her sake—not for his.

Both are driven. But while Bob is pushed by his wounding, Ted is pulled by his calling. And that’s how you can tell whether you’re being motivated by your wounding or by your calling. Wounding pushes you—guilt, shame, medicating pain. But calling pulls you—drawing you forward, wooing you, to the point that once you start thinking “what if…” you can’t not pursue it.

So what if I discover I’m being driven by my wounding? Do these 4 simple steps.

1) Admit it. Stop pretending otherwise.

2) Name the wounding. You have power over what you can put a label on.

3) Get help. There’s no shame wearing a cast on a broken leg. There’s no shame getting counseling for broken emotions. Everyone needs help at some point. Talk to your pastor, a professional counselor, a mature and godly parent, or a trusted friend. Or all of them. You need all the tools in the toolbox. But, please, talk to somebody.

4) Embrace this season of healing. You can get free. Healing is out there. Pursue it. Don’t give up. God wants to bring you freedom, so you can set others free. You have authority over what you’ve been set free from.

Once you’re walking in freedom rather wounding, you may realize your calling is totally different from what you thought. Whole new worlds may open up to you.

Or, you may have been pursuing your calling all along, but your wounding is like dragging an iron ball chained to your leg—so you can’t run very fast. Once you get some healing, maybe you’ll feel a new freedom and ease to chase the calling you never believed was possible.

Caveat: Healing comes in waves. This may not be your last season of healing. Healing hurts, so out of his mercy God gives us as much as we can handle at any one time. So don’t be surprised if, after years of living motivated by your calling, you suddenly discover there’s still some wounding there. Don’t be discouraged—God’s getting ready to upgrade you again! Bonus!

How about you? Are you operating out of your wounding, or out of your calling? Have you ever realized, after getting some healing, your calling was totally different from what you thought it was? Have you gone through seasons of healing? How did each give you another level of freedom? We’d love to hear your story in the comments or in an email. And please share if this would bless someone else.

Free Resources:

Do you know God wants to talk directly to you? Do you have trouble hearing him? Find out how to hear God with Dave’s free ebook “Hearing God and What’s Next: 12 Ways to Hear God, 3 Things to Do about It, and 6 Ways to Know You’re Not Crazy.”

Does your heart need healing? Learn the steps to inner healing with Jesus through a fun and engaging fictional story. Download Dave’s free ebook “The Runt: A Fable of Giant Inner Healing.”

How to Change How You See Yourself with 2 Words

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“I’m learning.” These are the most powerful two words we can say. They will completely change our mindset about how we see ourselves. And they shut down the accusations in our head.

For example, when “I’m so disorganized” becomes “I’m learning to be organized,” that’s a total game changer. You no longer see yourself as a disorganized person.

The most destructive lie we can believe about ourselves is, “That’s just the way I am.”

That is one of my personal pet peeves. Don’t get me started. More than anything else, this lie shuts down any growth in our lives. It gives us permission to stew in victimhood.

Instead, saying “I’m learning to …” puts us in a whole new light. It gives us permission to not be doing it perfectly yet. It gives us permission to keep trying even when we make mistakes. And it reframes those mistakes as a necessary part of learning.

When you say, “I’m learning,” you’ve accepted a new reality about yourself in your heart. Because that’s where our beliefs about ourselves, and hence our words, come from.

Jesus explained it this way.

“For out of the heart come evil thoughts—murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander.” – Jesus, Matthew 15:19

And again:

“A good man, out of the good treasure of his heart, brings forth good; and an evil man, out of the evil treasure of his heart, brings forth evil. For out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.” –Jesus, Luke 6:45

Negative thoughts about yourself start in your heart, not your head. Contrary to conventional wisdom, your brain doesn’t figure out what you believe. It rationalizes it.

Your heart decides what you want to believe, and your brain justifies it. That’s your brain’s job. (More about that here.)

So if your heart decides, “I’m just a disorganized person,” your brain will magnify every disorganized thing in your house, car, and workspace to reinforce and justify that belief. Your mind will be presented with an unorganized mountain of chaos that can never be tamed to rationalize what your heart believes.

On the other hand, if you choose to say, “I’m learning to be an organized person,” then your brain sees everything as a possibility. It goes to work to figure out how that cluttered area could be different.

The words we say and think about ourselves decide whether our brain sees all the negative evidence or all the positive possibilities.

Since God created us as integrated spiritual and physical beings, our behavior and our identity do this dance together. You can change what your heart believes by the words you choose to say.

Your Turn

What story do you tell yourself about yourself? What words do you use to describe yourself? What do you choose to believe about yourself? Have you learned to change the narrative?

Just learning to say “I’m learning” is a huge step forward. Do you have a negative narrative in your head that needs to change? If you’ve come out of that, tell us how in the comments. Your story will inspire others. And please share this post to get this message out to more readers.

3 Ways to Bridge the Gap

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I’m sure you’ve noticed. There’s an increasingly larger and larger gap these days between the world and the church. The world is pushing a narrative that, even a few decades ago, even one decade ago, would’ve been viewed as complete insanity.

Well, what is it? you ask. Fair question, which I’m not answering in this post. Because this post is not about the world’s false narrative. This post is not about the gap. That’s the world’s problem.

This post is about how to bridge the gap. That’s our problem.

How to Not Bridge the Gap

Sometimes, when you’re trying to figure out how to do something, it’s helpful to understand what won’t work.

Shouting at someone, “Accept Jesus before you go to hell!” will not get someone to accept Jesus before they go to hell. Just the opposite, in fact.

But the Evangelists will say, “But we have to warn people! It’s not love to just watch people perish and do nothing!”  True statement.

But, in general, getting in someone’s face with the truth won’t work either. That just reinforces the negative beliefs they already have about Christians, that we’re intolerant, judgmental, hypocritical, and self-righteous. (Aside: Yes, we sometimes struggle with these things. But at least Christians recognize them as vices. Wokeness is perfecting intolerance, judgmentalism, hypocrisy, and self-righteousness into an art form.)

My point is this. As Christians, in many ways, we’ve majored in finding differences with non-believers, and letting them know where they are wrong. That’s an ineffective evangelistic strategy.

Here are 3 powerful ways to bridge the gap effectively with unbelievers.

(1) Love First, Truth Second

Instead of majoring on pointing out our differences, let’s major on finding what we have in common, and start there. In general, I think it’s a mistake to start with where we disagree or are different. Let’s start with what we agree on, what we have in common, and where we are the same.

Then we build relationship around that. And then, from that place of relationship, be watching and alert for the Holy Spirit‘s prompting for where we can speak life.

That’s how we can effectively bring the truth of scripture to someone else’s life: love first, truth second.

I’m in no way suggesting or implying we compromise the truth about Biblical morality, sexual integrity, or Jesus as the only path to the Father & salvation. Heaven knows the world desperately needs the Church to stand up and speak God’s truth.

But I am saying, pleading even, c’mon people, please, let’s be smart about it!

Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone. (Colossians 4:5-6)

We have to earn the right to speak truth into someone’s life. And we do that through relationship.

(2) Ask Questions

I’m going to show my age here, but did anyone watch Columbo starring Peter Falk? Remember the series about the seemingly bumbling homicide detective? He knows who the murderer is within the first 5 minutes of each episode.

But he never accuses or argues. He asks questions. Incessantly. He usually tricks the murderer into giving him the evidence he needs to arrest them. And when he finally makes his accusation at the end, when he makes the arrest, they never argue.

“Never tell ‘um everything you know.” – Colombo

My point is not to badger people like Columbo did, but to ask questions like he did. Instead of arguing, ask them smart questions about what doesn’t make sense. Don’t argue with them about their answer; their spirit knows the world’s narrative they’re spouting is nonsense, even if their mind won’t admit it yet. Just ask more questions to make them think.

The other thing we can learn from Columbo is that he was never in a hurry. Sometimes we act like we’re afraid of their unbelief, and we try to force people into admitting how right we are. Having asked questions that point out the world’s fallacies, let them sit with it. Believe me, the Holy Spirit is replaying your questions on a loop tape in their head. Give the Holy Spirit the space to work on them.

After all, changing hearts is his job, not ours. We’re just the stage hands.

(3) The Power of Your Story

Quoting scripture to people only works if the person already accepts the Bible as truth. People who don’t accept the Bible as truth don’t care what it says.

They can argue with your theology. They can argue with your morality. They can argue with your conclusions. They can argue with common sense. But they cannot argue with your story.

Your story, what God has done in your life, is yours. Totally and solely. No one can argue with it. They can choose to not believe, and that’s on them. But they can’t argue with it. Your story is your story.

They overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony. (Revelation 12:11a)

Your story is your story. It’s powerful. Like this verse in Revelation points out, the Enemy has no defense against your story.

Sometimes we make this way too complicated. Just tell people what God’s done for you, in the context of relationship.

Your Turn

Does any of this resonate? Does anyone remember Columbo? What do you think? Have you tried these suggestions? Do you have better ones? Please tell us in the comments and share this post if it would bless others.

A Practical Example: How I Partner with God

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Here is an example of how I partner with God in a simple, everyday thing. It’s not anything earth-shattering or heavy-revy. But it’s making a huge difference in my life. And there’s a big takeaway here that I pray you find useful in your own life.

How I Partner with God for My Daily Wakeup Time

So I used to set my morning alarm at 4:45 AM (Monday through Friday). Here was my typical daily routine:

  • 4:45 AM: Alarm goes off, get up & go to the gym.
  • 5:45 AM: Leave gym, come home, shower, get breakfast & coffee.
  • 6:30 AM: Leave for work.
  • 7:30 AM – 5:00 PM: At work for 9.5 hours (8 hour work day).
  • 12:00 PM – 1:30 PM: Work on website during 1.5 hour lunch break.
  • 5:00 PM – 6:00 PM: Commute home.
  • After 6:00 PM: Dinner and spend the evening with Janet.

I did this for a long time, and it was fine. But usually that alarm going off at 4:45 was not a friendly sound, even though my phone’s alarm is a song I like. Sometimes I’d be ready to get up, but sometimes I’d be in a deep sleep and wake up groggy. Almost always, I’d wish I’d slept longer, but duty calls, so up we go.

Then I revamped my “official” daily schedule to this:

  • 6:45 AM: Drop-dead alarm time, shower, get breakfast & coffee.
  • 7:30 AM: Leave for work.
  • 8:30 AM – 5:00 PM: At work for 8.5 hours (8 hour work day).
  • 12:00 PM – 12:30 PM: Work on website during half-hour lunch break.
  • 5:00 PM – 6:00 PM: Commute home.
  • After 6:00 PM: Dinner and spend the evening with Janet.

I still set a “drop-dead” alarm time, so I’m not late for work. In the last 6 months since I’ve been doing this, that drop-dead alarm has gone off maybe twice.

Before going to bed, I pray, “Lord, wake me up when you know I need to get up to live the day you have planned for me tomorrow. Thank you in advance for giving my body all the sleep it needs.”

Then I wake up naturally, when my body is done sleeping. I believe that’s God keeping his side of the bargain. So my partnership with God is, “Any time after 4:00 AM that I wake up, I’ll believe that’s You, and I’ll get up.”

So How Has This Been Working for Me?

There are days when I wake up at 5:00 AM naturally, versus waking up at 4:45 AM to the alarm. And I feel so much better! I’m not groggy. I feel refreshed and rejuvenated.

And there are many ways to make-up that 15 minutes. Some days, God knows the commute will be shorter because traffic is better. Or I take 1.25 hours instead of 1.5 hours for our website at lunch. Or I leave work at 5:15 instead of 5:00. That 15 minutes really doesn’t make much of a difference to our evening.

But most of the time, I wake up before 4:45 AM! Often I wake up at 4:15 or 4:30. That gives me time to have a short devotion time with the Lord, still get to the gym, and often I get more than 1.5 hours website time at lunch, because I’m getting to work before 7:30.

And I wake up feeling great because my body got all the sleep it needed. If my body needs more sleep, it can have it. I can either skip the gym or have less website time that day. I’m still getting to the gym at least 3 times a week, and I’m getting more website time over the week than I did before.

It doesn’t make sense on paper, but partnering with God just works. So many days I’ve gotten more sleep at no cost, because traffic was lighter that day. So many times I’ve had extra website time, and needed, to the minute, exactly that much time to accomplish that day’s important website task.

The Big Takeaway: If God Doesn’t Come Through, It Doesn’t Work

But here’s the thing. A half-hour a day is not enough time to work on our website. That is not enough time to be successful. So if I wake up to my drop-dead alarm on a regular basis, our website fails.

Also, in order to stay healthy, I need to go to the gym at least 3 times a week. If I wake up to my drop-dead alarm, there’s no time for that.

So if God doesn’t come through, it doesn’t work, which is really risky. And scary. I’m risking our website. I’m risking my health.

But God does come through for me, over and over again. Every. Single. Morning.

I had to give up control. I gave up my schedule, where every day is the same & I guaranteed each activity has the time it needs. But, truth be told, that schedule was killing me, running me into the ground. I couldn’t maintain it.

Partnering with God is worth it. But you’ve got to set it up so it doesn’t work if God doesn’t come through.

Your Turn – Experiment!

This post isn’t about not setting an alarm. It won’t work for everyone, and that’s ok.

This post is about partnering with God in a practical way that matters, and setting it up so that if God doesn’t come through, it doesn’t work; something fails. And that will look different for every person. That will look different for you than it does for me.

You can still have a safety net, like I have with my drop-dead alarm. That’s not a lack of faith, that’s just being responsible. But I trust God that he will come through, and I’ll hardly ever need it. And that’s been my experience.

So experiment! What practical thing can you partner with God for? How can you set it up so that if God doesn’t come through, it doesn’t work? What practical thing does God want to partner with you for? Ask him! And then act on your next thought.

Let me know what you do and how it works; email me at dave@IdentityInWholeness.com.

So what are you going to try? Or have you done something like this before? Tell us in the comments. And please share this post if it would bless others.

How to Move from Either/Or to Both/And

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Sometimes we get in our own way, and limit what God wants to do in our lives by either/or thinking. But making the paradigm shift to both/and thinking is often the most powerful enabling shift we can make.

That changes everything.

A Real-Life Example

In one of my recent webinars about hearing God, a participant shared this (true) story:

There was a Christian school trying to hear God to discern if they should move to another city or if they should stay put. This is a big decision and one that can’t be undone once you’ve carried it out. Once you’ve moved, you obviously can’t move back to the old city; that’s just financially and logistically not possible. So they had to get this right.

The director shared all the reasons for both sides, and asked all 18 staff to fast and spend focused time in prayer about this issue. They prayed for unity around God’s will for the school.

You can probably guess what happened. 9 staff came back feeling certain God wanted them to move. And 9 staff came back feeling certain God wanted them to stay. Snap! What do you do with that?

These are the real-life tough questions. On the webinar, I didn’t have any easy answers. We like to reduce everything to formulas and frameworks. And while those can be helpful and instructive, life likes to throw us exceptions.

Time for a Paradigm Shift

So, well snap, whatever the answer was, half the staff missed what God was saying.

Or did they?

Since that webinar, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about this. What if God’s answer to the school wasn’t either/or? What if God’s vision for the school was both/and?

What if God’s answer to, “Should we stay or should we go?” was “Yes!”??? What if God was saying keep the original campus in the old city and open up a new one in the new city?

And what if the Lord separated the staff for the Director, clearly indicating who was to stay and who was to go, by the response they brought back?

Looking at the staff responses as a both/and, rather than an either/or, it suddenly gets a lot less confusing!

How to Move into a New Paradigm

But we can’t open a new campus! We’re barely keeping our heads above water operating the one campus we have now!

The trick in moving into a new paradigm is not talking ourselves out of it before we’ve given it a fair chance. And the way we do that is by making an enabling decision: Suspend disbelief (at least for the moment).

Your Enabling Decision: Suspend Disbelief

Suspending disbelief doesn’t mean taking our rational brain off-line and living in a fantasy. To the contrary, it means letting our rational brain work out, with the Holy Spirit’s help, what this idea would look like. It means not dismissing the idea out-of-hand.

Suspending disbelief leaves that scary idea on the table. It asks the key question: What would have to be true in order for this to actually work?

Key Question: What would have to be true in order for this to work?

So suppose God’s vision for this school was to open a new campus. What would have to be true in order for this to work?

We would have to divide up the existing staff – who stays and who goes. But, if this is God’s vision for the school, he already did that by their responses. The staff who clearly heard God clearly saying to stay is supposed to stay. And the staff who clearly heard God saying to move is supposed to move. That would’ve been a major problem, but God already sorted it out.

So back to the key question: If these 9 staff are going to move and launch a new campus, what has to be true? What skills do they have? What skills do they need to hire (or develop)?

Same question for those that stay. What has to be true for the existing campus to succeed with half its staff? What would have to change?

The Power of Both/And

Do you see how a both/and solution is a powerful paradigm shift?

It can also be scary. Some things are rightfully scary because they’re stupid. But other things are scary because they’re bigger than we can imagine. Or control. Or wrap our brains around. And sometimes it’s really hard to tell the difference.

It’s ok to say to God, “If this is you, this is what I need.” And see if he provides it.

It’s ok for the Director to say, “Ok, God, if you want us to have 2 campuses, I need you to double our support base.” Then pitch the idea to the school’s donors and see what happens.

God often (ok, usually) calls us to something bigger than ourselves. It’s ok to say, “Ok God, if you want me to do that, then I need this from you.” And see if God provides.

God may meet the need sovereignly. Or he may drop a strategy in our spirits for meeting that need. And we get to see if it works. I know by experience God loves to partner with his people in this way!

It’s all over the Bible. God did this for Gideon with the fleece (Judges 6:36-40).

And God did it for Moses by sending Aaron along to speak for him (Exodus 4:14-16). And the interesting thing is, God did this for Moses even though God knew Moses didn’t really need Aaron. It’s a fascinating story. As you read it, you watch Moses gradually grow into the leader God knew he was all along, talking to Pharaoh directly.

God is not afraid of your doubts, misgivings, or questions. He will meet you in them.

What Needs to Be True?

Does this resonate? Are you trying to decide between two mutually exclusive choices? What if your choices weren’t mutually exclusive?

Yes, some choices certainly are. You can’t marry two people or be in two places at once. But sometimes we artificially limit ourselves, and what God wants to do, because of either/or thinking.

How would considering the both/and option change the game?

Tell us your thoughts & share your story in the comments. Your input helps our whole community. And please share this post if it would bless others.

How to Hear God Better by Showing Up Differently

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Many of us have trouble hearing God because we’re showing up wrong. We’ve got the wrong paradigm, and it’s interfering with (1) how well we hear God, and (2) our intimacy with him in general.

Because we’re showing up to the wrong meeting.

Too often, we show up trying to hear God like it’s a job interview, when it’s really a staff meeting.

There’s nothing wrong with the way we show up for job interviews. There’s a knack to interviewing well. After all, you’re totally being judged. You’re being evaluated. Your potential employer is making a yes-or-no hiring decision about you based on this first-impression. You want to put your best foot forward. You want the job.

The problem is, we show up in trying to hear God like it’s a job interview. But it’s not a job interview. It’s a staff meeting.

Think about it. How do you show up differently for a job interview than for a staff meeting?

[Note: I’m taking for granted we’re talking about a staff meeting at a healthy company, not a toxic work environment. We all have horror stories – that’s not what we’re talking about here. Think ideal staff meeting at a healthy company.]

Here are 6 tangible ways we hear God better by showing up like a staff meeting instead of a job interview.

(1) Nervous vs Comfortable and Safe

At a job interview, we’re nervous. And rightfully so – we’re being judged and evaluated. People who interview well channel that nervousness into focused enthusiasm. You’re carefully curating everything you say. That’s not easy, and it’s emotionally exhausting. You can’t keep it up for long.

But at a staff meeting, we feel safe. We’re not being judged. We’re in that place of already being accepted. We don’t have to fight for it or prove we belong.

Do we feel nervous coming into God’s presence, or do we feel comfortable and safe?

(2) Foreign Environment vs At Home & Familiar

In a job interview, we are on their turf, usually a place we’ve never been before. It’s a foreign environment. We’re trying to simultaneously take it all in and not be distracted by it.

But in a staff meeting, we’ve been here before. We’re familiar with this place. It’s a second home.

Does God’s presence feel foreign or familiar?

(3) Escorted & Watched vs Trusted Access

As a job interviewee, we sit in the lobby, sweating bullets. Eventually, the receptionist escorts us to the office or conference room where the interview will take place. Afterward, the interviewer escorts us back out to the lobby and makes sure we leave. We’re never left to wander the halls alone.

But in a staff meeting, we work there. We have trusted access. We can come and go as we please.

Do we show up with God like we’re being watched, or like we have trusted access into his presence?

(4) Goal to Impress vs Goal to Connect

In a job interview, our goal is to impress the interviewer and get the job. Period. Hands down. Everyone knows, the interviewer and the interviewee, that the goal is to impress.

But in a staff meeting, our goal is to connect with our employer and our fellow employees.

Do we show up trying to hear God by trying to impress him, or by trying to connect with his heart?

(5) Hiding Problems vs Solving Problems

Along those lines, we hide and minimize problems in a job interview. If there are problems or issues on our resume or in our job experience, we don’t call attention to them. That’s not going to help us get the job.

But at a staff meeting, it’s not about getting the job. It’s about doing the work. So we raise problems, we highlight them, because they’re interfering with the work. We bring up problems so we, as a group, can solve them.

In our time with God, do we hide or minimize our sin, or do we bring it up? Do we talk it out with him in order to solve it?

(6) Displaying Credentials vs Getting Help

In a job interview, we are displaying our credentials. We’ve written them down in a resume. And we plan to highlight the areas where we really shine and how qualified we are for the position.

But in a staff meeting, we raise our short-comings. We get help.

In engineering companies like mine, we call them “blockers” – things are interfering with getting our job done. It’s management’s job to remove the blockers so we can do our job. But they can only do that if we tell them the blocker is there.

It’s perfectly ok to go to God and say, “If I’m going to do what I hear you calling me to do, I need ____.” Fill in the blank. Maybe it’s provision. Maybe it’s restoration of a relationship. Maybe it’s healing (physical or emotional or both).

Do we spend our time with God displaying our credentials, how self-sufficient we are? Or do we bring the “blockers” to him and ask for help?

“Relax! You Got the Job, Already!”

Can you imagine how frustrating it would be for an employer if, at every single staff meeting, an employee was trying to prove they deserved their place in the company? Hiding where they need help and just constantly broadcasting how well-qualified they are? All that would reveal is that employee’s insecurity in their position.

Are we insecure in our position in the Kingdom?

What if God is trying to tell you, “Relax, you got the job already! Be secure in your position my son bought for you on the cross. Stop trying to win the job you already have, and let’s get down to doing the work of my Kingdom!”

How would our conversations with God change if we showed up for Kingdom staff meetings, instead of a constant job interview, insecure in our position & trying to prove ourselves? How would we show up differently if we were secure in our position, versus constantly fearful about getting fired (or not even hired in the first place)?

Your Turn

Does this resonate? Does it make you think about your time with God differently? Do you see ways you can change your thinking to show up for God in a Kingdom staff meeting, instead of a job interview? Tell us your thoughts in the comments; your story will help us all grow. And please share this post if it would bless others.

What I’m Learning about God’s Rest

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I’ve shared my journey of discovering how to honor the Sabbath and enter into God’s rest. Not that those are both the same thing, but they are related.

True rest, God’s rest, is not the absence of work. Regarding the Sabbath, Jesus told the Pharisees, “My Father is always at his work to this very day, and I too am working” (John 5:17).

So it’s not a legalistic thing. I used to hate talking about the Sabbath because I thought it was. I thought if I wasn’t bored all day that I wasn’t honoring the Sabbath. Not true.

God’s rest is not the absence of work. God’s rest is doing the right work, the stuff God has for you. Jesus did only what he saw the Father doing (John 5:19).

And it’s not just doing the right work. You can do the right work and still choose to be stressed out over it. God’s rest is also trusting him for its success. That takes the pressure off! That doesn’t mean we do a sloppy job, we still pursue excellence and do the best we can. But we’re not stressing over the success because it doesn’t depend on us. That is so totally freeing!

There’s a huge difference between pursuing excellence and pursuing perfectionism. I know from experience there’s no rest in pursuing perfectionism. And I bet you do, too.

This is fast becoming one of my favorite verses:

Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me – watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly. – Jesus (Matthew 11:28-30, The Message)

The unforced rhythms of grace. I love that!

So here’s what God’s been teaching me about entering into his rest and learning the unforced rhythms of grace in my life.

I’m keeping the Sabbath by not using it to do any recurring tasks. Like our weekly blog. Like paying bills. I can do one-off tasks, things that need doing around the house or on the website. But I’ve been intentionally avoiding recurring tasks.

And it’s been wonderful! I’ve been feeling refreshed instead of exhausted. After finishing any one-off tasks I’ve had to do Sunday, I’ve had time to do things that feed my soul. Like reading for a couple hours in the evening with Janet. We both read different things, but being together and just reading is tremendously refreshing. And I feel God smile.

This is just personally what God’s been teaching me. I’m not recommending it for anybody else. And I know I’ve more to learn.

What are you learning? What is God teaching you about entering into the unforced rhythms of grace? We’d love to hear from you, and what you’re learning will bless the rest of our community. So please leave a comment and share on social media if you think this would bless someone else.