How to Validate Someone’s Pain

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As Christians, when we see someone hurting, we all want to help. That’s good, we should. The problem is, many of us have never been trained how to really help someone who’s hurting. We don’t know how, or even what to do. Often, unfortunately, well-meaning Christians do more harm than good.

As the church stands on the brink of the Third Great Awakening, our churches are going to be overwhelmed by a flood of hurting people. We need to get comfortable being around people who are hurting, without trying to fix them.

And it’s not just the unsaved coming into our churches who are hurting. There’s a huge number of people in our churches right now who are hurting. But they’re hiding their hurt because:

  1. They think they’re the only one. Look at all these happy people. I’m the only one who’s faking it. No, believe me, you’re really not.
  2. They’re afraid of being judged. Because either they have been in the past, or they’ve seen other people with similar issues be treated as “less than.”

So our lack of understanding is actually preventing people from getting the healing Jesus has for them. And that’s the last thing any of us want.

If you can’t go to the people of God when you’re hurting, where can you go?

But it doesn’t have to be this way. Before trying to solve the problem, or offering them help, there’s something important we need to do first. And it makes all the difference.

The single most important thing you can do to help someone who’s hurting is validate their pain. Before you do anything else, validate their pain. Validate how they feel. This gives them acceptance instead of judgement, and it creates a safe place.

So how do we do this?

Let Them Hurt

That sounds really strange, doesn’t it? Let them hurt?!? That’s not compassionate! Let me explain. I don’t mean ignore them or their pain. I don’t mean being cold or distant or uncompassionate or insensitive.

Here’s the deal. When someone’s going through their valley of the shadow of death, either physically, emotionally, or spiritually, we naturally want to find them an off-ramp. Out of compassion, we want to fix the problem for them. Don’t do that, because you can’t. Only Jesus is the healer.

What am I supposed to do then? I’m glad you asked.

Be Present

There’s a great model in Job 2:11-13.

They sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was. –Job 2:13

Job’s friends normally get a bad rap, and rightfully so. But they got it right for a whole week, when they just sat with him in the ashes of his life, and didn’t say anything. Then they opened their mouths, and it was all downhill from there.

Ok, so practically, how do we do this? Proverbs 18:21 says, “Life and death are in the power of the tongue.” What we say, and don’t say, is important.

What to NOT Say

Too often, we unintentionally discount people’s pain. The following are things well-meaning Christians often say, but are not helpful because they discount the person’s pain.

  • “I understand.”
     No, you really don’t. You haven’t experienced what they’re going through. And even if you have, you haven’t experienced it as them, with their backstory, their fears, and their previous hurts. They are a different person and are experiencing it differently than you would.
  • “I went through something similar…”
     This is not the time to tell your story. Listen to and validate their story. Telling your story, when they are trying to tell you theirs, minimizes their story and discounts their pain. Be a real listener. Don’t be a wait-to-talker.
  • “You’ll get through it.”
     Again, this minimizes their pain. What they are really hearing is, “No one understands me, my pain, what I’m going through, or how sacred I am. And it’s not ok for me to tell them. I better hide it.”
  • “Just have faith.”
     Whether you mean it or not, they hear condemnation: “They think I’m a bad Christian because I’m going through this.”
  • “God’s got this.”
     While very true, this totally discounts their pain. Whether you mean it or not, what they hear is, “You’re wrong to feel bad about this. Why are you so upset? Relax, God will work it all out.” While a great thing to tell yourself when you’re going through painful times, don’t flippantly say it to others.

Ok, so what should we say? What do we say to validate someone’s pain?

What to Say

Here are some great things to say. These things make the other person feel heard, and create a safe space for them to share and seek healing.

  • “Tell me more about that.”
     This is a great default when you don’t know what else to say.
  • “I’ve got no grid for what you’re going through. It must be really hard.”
     This is very validating; it invites them to share their feelings. It assures them you care and you’re listening.
  • “You’re really brave to face this.”
     This can be so validating. Believe me, they feel anything but brave right now.
  • “That must really hurt.”
     Again, an invitation to share their feelings, hurts, and fears.
  • “So do you feel like…”
     and take a guess at how they’re feeling. It doesn’t matter if you’re right or not. Just the fact that someone is trying to understand how they feel is huge.
  • “You’re not a bad Christian for going through this.”
     You may see tears with this one. Because believe me, the enemy, and sadly other Christians, have told them they are.
  • “I don’t know what to do.”
     It’s great to admit you don’t have all the answers. This validates them as a person because then they don’t have to feel condemned for not having all the answers either.

Don’t Try to Be the Professional

Don’t try to be their savior; that’s Jesus’ job. Don’t try to lead them through healing if (1) you haven’t received healing yourself, or (2) you don’t know what you’re doing. Especially if they have been through trauma (emotional or physical abuse, abortion, sexual abuse, etc.). Don’t try to be the professional when you aren’t.

Instead, ask if you can help them find the right help. Asking is very important. Never impose a solution by saying things like:

  • “You should read this book.”
  • “Here’s a counselor that deals with these issues.”

Get permission first. Ask first, like this:

  • “Would you like some resources to help with that?”
  • “Would you like me to help you find a counselor (or pastor) who deals with that?”

If they say yes, then you can ask them if they’ve read that book, or give them your counselor or pastoral recommendation. Now you have their permission and you’re not imposing one more thing on them. Now you’re being truly helpful.

If they say no, then just drop it. No matter how much you think your resource will help them, respect their no. They aren’t ready for it yet. Keep it in your back-pocket for another time when they’re ready.

If we do these things, we can make the church a safe place for hurting people. People won’t let us help them until they know they won’t be harmed by doing so. But if we validate their pain, we create a safe place for them to get healing.

Your Turn

How have you been validated (or not) by the church when you were hurting? What did people do that was helpful (or not)? Are you currently hiding because your church isn’t safe for what you’re struggling with? Tell us your story in the comments; let’s get this conversation going. (If your story is sensitive or private, you’re welcome to send us a private email here.) And please share this post if it would bless others.

5 Steps to Embracing the Intimacy We’re Both Terrified of and Longing for

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Are you ready to go deep today? Because in this post, I’m going to talk about what we all want and desperately need, but we’re all terribly afraid of. Deep down, sometimes way down there, we all want intimacy. But how can we embrace the intimacy we’re simultaneously longing for and terrified of?

Intimacy == Into Me See

 

We all want to know and be known. We were created in God’s image, after all. God is a triune God—Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. He’s in relationship with and within himself. We were created for relationship, with him and with others. And in relationship we reflect his image much fuller than we do individually (especially in a marriage, but in friendships, too).

We long to live out who we were created to be, but because of our wounding, we’re often terrified of it. We send conflicting messages like “come here, stay away!” Or maybe “come close, not that close!”

Because of our heart-wounds, often very early in life, we make judgements and believe lies about ourselves, about the world, and about God. Judgements and lies like:

  • “Men can’t be trusted.”
  • “People will reject me.”
  • “I’m dirty.”
  • “Emotions are bad.”

Then, in a desperate effort to protect our heart, rather than trust God with our pain, we make inner vows to protect our heart, in our own strength.

  • “I don’t need anyone. I will take of myself.”
  • “I’ll reject people before they reject me.”
  • “I’ll be what anyone else wants me to be so I’m accepted.”
  • “I won’t have emotions.”

Yes, we’re keeping ourselves safe this way. But we’re doing it by chaining ourselves into a dark dungeon of our own making. And living in a dark, dank dungeon brings its own pain, which we live with as the price for safety. Like a boat safely raised in dry dock, we never risk setting sail on the adventure we were created for.

How tragic is that! Fortunately, God has something better for us, and Jesus made a way with his sacrifice on the cross. Here’s 5 steps to escape from this prison we’ve made for ourselves.

1) Talk to your heart. We can discover these inner vows by, when we’re feeling afraid of a relationship, talking to our heart. Maybe the fear is masked by anger or rage or some other bad behavior to keep people away. But at the root, it’s fear, and if we’re honest with ourselves in a quiet moment, we know it. So find a quiet place, and ask yourself, “Heart, why are you afraid?” Then hush up and listen.

Now our mind, wanting to be helpful, will often jump in and answer the question with lots of rational reasons. If we’re getting words, rather than impressions or emotions or pictures or memories, it’s probably our mind and not our heart. You have to tell your mind to hush up, too. You can literally tell yourself, “Mind, thanks for trying to help, but I was talking to Heart. So just be quiet now and let Heart speak for itself.” Then listen. Ask the Holy Spirit to help you hear your heart.

We’re not used to listening to our heart, so this can take a while sometimes. Maybe even a couple days or weeks. But keep asking your heart. And keep asking the Holy Spirit to help you hear your heart. Some of us have buried our heart pretty deep. And often our heart doesn’t speak in words, so it can take some effort to figure it out.

2) Identify the benefit. Once we know what the lie is that we’ve believed, and what inner vow we took to protect our heart, we need one more piece of information. What benefit did we get from the inner vow? Somehow it’s protecting us from the pain (although causing us worse pain). Again, ask your heart, and ask the Holy Spirit.

3) Get the opposite of the lie. The next step is to ask God what’s the opposite of that lie for us. If we’re familiar with the Bible, he will often pop a scripture into our heads. The Bible is a promise book, after all. Pastors and other spiritually mature mentors can be tremendously helpful with this. The game here is to replace the lie with God’s truth.

Now we have a choice. We can keep believing the lie, falsely believing we’re in control. Or we can surrender control to God and accept his truth. It’s up to us.

4) Forgive the person who hurt us. Nothing keeps us in prison like unforgiveness. Forgiveness doesn’t mean pretending they didn’t do evil to us. It’s coming to the place where they are not the evil they did to us. We know we’ve finished forgiveness (which is a process, not an event) when we can pray blessing over the person and mean it.

5) Replace the lie with the truth through repentance. Finally, repent of that vow and break it. We need to repent of the vow, and renounce the benefit we’re getting from it. Replace the lie we believed with God’s truth. Here’s a sample prayer. Use this as a template and make it your own.

Lord, I forgive _____ for _____. I repent of believing the lie that _____, and I repent and renounce the inner vow I made, _____. I renounce the benefit I got from that inner vow of _____. I’m now trusting you with my heart instead trying to protect it myself.

This is how we start living in freedom and embracing intimacy with God and others around us. But freedom can be scary, because we’re not in control anymore. We’re living by dangerous faith. Yes, it’s dangerous. Living this way will change us. But don’t worry, it’s good. It is so worth it.

What do you think? Does this resonate? Please tell us in the comments and share it on social media. We’re looking forward to hearing from you.

The Most Damaging Thing We Do to Each Other without Realizing It

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People are people.

We get saved, and we’re instantly justified before God by the blood of Jesus. But we’re not instantly sanctified. We bring all our godless behavior with us into the church.

Being justified means being forgiven. Cleansed of our sin. No longer cannon-fodder for Hell. We were saved from hellfire and brought back into relationship with our loving God when we gave our lives to Jesus. Check.

But being sanctified means being like Jesus. Living like Jesus. Loving like Jesus. Seeing other people like Jesus does. We all have a long way to go. Being sanctified means agreeing more and more with God, and from that place of intimacy, we learn who we really are and start acting like it.

One of the most insidious ungodly behaviors we bring with us into the church is fear of the unknown. We try to control what we don’t understand. It’s natural and human. It’s also wrong, and it does a lot of damage, both outside and inside the church. 

Often, that fear comes out as this really spiritually immature Thing that we condemn in our children when we see it on the playground. In fact, much of our effort in guiding our school age children revolves around teaching them how to avoid this Thing. But we use this Thing on each other in church all the time. Here are some examples. See if you can guess what this Thing is.

Can You Guess This Thing?

Example 1: Someone else is expressing their Christianity differently in a way we don’t understand.So we punish them. Nasty glares. Avoidance. Gossip. Judgmental thoughts that sneak out on our faces.

In one church setting, this Thing might look like, “How dare they lift their hands during worship!” In another church setting, this Thing might look like, “How dare they not lift their hands during worship!” 

(Aside: And to both the Holy Spirit says, “How dare you look at the other person during worship instead of Jesus!”)

Example 2: A young mother, just saved, admits to her women’s Bible study group that she’s having a tough time. She admits to having an abortion years ago, and since getting saved, is grieving for her lost child. The older women scowl at her and say, “Don’t you know that everything in your past is under the Blood? If you’re not full of the joy of the Lord, are you even saved?” 

(Aside: There’s a mile of difference between being forgiven and being healed. If you’re post-abortive and grieving, that’s a sign this is your season of healing. Here are some resources that provide post-abortive healing: Rachel’s Vineyard and Project Rachel. Or call your local Pregnancy Help Center.) 

Example 3: A pastor works up the emotion during worship. “Come on, church! Let’s worship Jesus, he’s worthy! Sing louder! Sing with me!”

(Aside: Yes, he is worthy, but you can’t force or manipulate worship out of people. You can force & manipulate singing and dancing and carrying on, but worship has to be given freely or it’s not worship.)   

Christian Peer Pressure

So what do all these examples have in common? What is this Thing? Christian peer pressure. Yikes! That’s a thing? Unfortunately, yes, and it’s all too common. We’ve all experienced it, and, if we’re being honest, we’ve all done it.

We try to force other people to stay within the experience we’re comfortable with. C’mon, be a good Christian, stay in my mold for you! Conform!

When I was growing up in the late 60’s and 70’s, “cool” was the big word. Everybody wanted to be cool. The adults didn’t know what it meant. I remember hearing adults saying, “Why do you want to be ‘cool?’ It doesn’t mean anything!” While they were right to exhort us to not be influenced by that, it totally means something. It means “acceptable.”

And that’s the thing with Christian peer pressure. You’re only acceptable if you fit into the mold. Be comfortable in there, and don’t be peeking out over the edge!

To be sure, there are some non-negotiables in Christianity: 

  • Jesus is the name above every name and the only path to God. 
  • In fact, Jesus is God. 
  • He’s the God who loved us enough to become human and die for us when we hated him. Jesus was the only person ever who was born to die. All to demonstrate his love for us. What kind of over-the-top, crazy, passionate, love does that? Crazy stuff.
  • And there are a few others I won’t go into here for lack of space. But you know them. Sexual integrity. Giving. Respect. Fruit of the Spirit. Etc.

But here’s the deal. God totally is anti-peer pressure. God doesn’t force us or manipulate us into his way of living. He gives us a choice. In fact, he’s so into this that there’s a whole book of the Bible — Deuteronomy — dedicated to nothing but God articulating our choice so we can make an informed decision. 

“I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live and that you may love the Lord your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him.” 

Deuteronomy 30:19b-20a

It’s the same choice today as he gave the children of Israel as they were about to come into the Promised Land. But it’s our choice. If we don’t choose God’s ways, it breaks his heart and he weeps for us, for the pain we’re bringing on ourselves. But God honors our choice by giving us over to the consequences of it. 

The difference between godly exhortation and fleshly peer pressure is honoring the person’s choice.

Sometimes churches mistakenly get into the business of sin management instead of transformation. And often the chief tool of sin management is Christian peer pressure. Conform. Be like us. Be acceptable. 

Now I’m not saying we need to pretend to agree with people’s bad choices. The world is trying to bully us into doing just that — calling us “haters” if we have the audacity to say someone’s sinful choices aren’t healthy. That’s worldly peer pressure, and whole denominations have succumbed to it.

But there’s peer pressure in the church too, and we need to stop it. God is not calling every man in the church to go to the men’s ministry breakfast, although he probably is calling most. He’s not calling everyone to feed the homeless every Saturday morning. 

Your Calling

But God is calling everyone to do something. If you’re just drifting through life with no real purpose, just killing time till retirement so you can play with your toys, you’re missing your calling. 

Sometimes we truly don’t know our calling and have to really pursue the Lord to find it. Sometimes it finds us while we’re pursuing something else. But often, we know our calling. We’re just afraid to chase it. We’ve found something we’re good at that’s comfortable and safe.  

What makes your heart leap but you’re terrified to pursue? Or to ask it another way: What would you do if you knew you couldn’t fail?

The best way to stand up against and defeat Christian peer pressure is to know your calling. Then, when pressured to do whatever, you can honestly say, “I’m glad you’re doing that; that’s really great, thanks for inviting me. But I’m called to do this.”

We’re learning to say “no” to good things we aren’t called to so we can focus on the good things we are called to. So can you. You don’t have to be controlled or guilted by someone else’s mold. You don’t have to be a prisoner to anyone else’s peer pressure, Christian or otherwise. Actually, that’s a choice we make to duck our own calling. Doh! No more. Your calling is too important to get run over by somebody else’s mold.

How About You?

Have you experienced Christian peer pressure? What happened? Tell us your story in the comments, and please share if this post would bless someone else.

Why Everyone, Including Trauma Survivors, Wrongly Blames Trauma Survivors

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We have a nasty habit of blaming trauma survivors for the trauma they endured. In the church, outside the church, it makes no difference. We wrongly blame trauma survivors for the trauma perpetrated upon them through no fault of their own.

Yes, unwise choices can put you in a situation where trauma is more likely to occur. But no one deserves trauma. Ever. I don’t care what unwise choices someone has made.

How many times have you heard one of these?

“Dressing like that, she’s just asking to be raped.” No. A thousand times no. No woman deserves to be raped. Ever. I swear, if I hear one more of my Christian brothers say this, I’m going to perpetrate some trauma myself and knock their teeth out. After all, talking like that, they’re just asking for it.

“She must not have been very attentive at home,” said when blaming a wife for her husband’s affair. I’ve actually most often heard this said by other women. No. No wife ever deserves to be cheated on. I don’t care what the situation is. A man’s adultery is no one’s fault but his own. Ever. Jesus died to make that so.

“They must not have been good parents,” said when blaming the people down the street for their teen’s suicide. No. Never. No parent ever deserves to bury their children, whether through intentional or accidental tragedy.

And saddest of all, childhood trauma survivors blame themselves. “It’s my fault my father sexually abused me. There’s something wrong with me.” No. Never true. Yet this response is universal.

Why Do We Do Blame Trauma Survivors?

Why do we blame trauma survivors? Why do trauma survivors blame themselves?

At a trauma seminar, we recently heard Dr. Gabor Mate, author of In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts, give a very logical reason. It’s the safest conclusion.

Which is safer for a victim of childhood trauma to believe?

  • The lie: “There’s something wrong with me. It’s my fault this happened.”
  • The truth: “I am in the care of a monster. There is something seriously wrong with my dad.”

The lie is actually the safer conclusion! “If it’s my fault, then maybe I have some control over it. If I can just be a better daughter, this won’t happen again.”

Believing the truth, “I’m in the care of a monster. I’ve got no control over when this happens again,” makes the world a very scary, unsafe place.

The lie is actually a psychological defense mechanism used by children so they can survive. But once they’re adults and out of that situation, until that lie is replaced by God’s truth, it can cause untold bad fruit in their lives.

Take the woman whose friend’s husband had an affair. Which is safer to believe?

  • The lie: “If she’d just been a better wife, he wouldn’t have cheated on her.”
  • The truth: “His affair was not her fault. He made his own choice.”

Or take the example of parents you know whose teen was lost to suicide. Which is safer to believe?

  • The lie: “They must be bad parents.”
  • The truth: “What a horrible thing to happen to them. No parents deserve to go through that.”

In each case, the lie is a “safer” conclusion to believe. Believing the lie that trauma is the fault of the survivors gives us a feeling of control over our unsafe world.

  • “If I’m a good wife, my husband won’t cheat on me.”
  • “If we’re good parents, our children will be safe.”

The problem is, it’s only a false feeling of control. We really have very little, if any, control over the unsafe, unredeemed world we live in.

Finding True Security

The truth is, in this unsafe world, our safety is out of our control. The only true security we really have is in the goodness of God. Yet even Jesus did not promise us safety; in fact, he promised the opposite:

“In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” – Jesus (John 16:33)

God’s security is not the absence of trauma or tragedy in this life, but Jesus’ promise to be with us through it.

How to Actually Help

As Christians, we should follow Jesus’ example, and be with each other through trauma.

“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.” — Psalm 23:4

When people are going through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, don’t try to find them an off-ramp. It’s natural to want to pull someone out of the Valley of the Shadow of Death. We mean well. But we can’t pull them out of it. Jesus is calling us to ride with them through it.

Don’t say, “I understand,” even if you’ve been through something similar. That just discounts their feelings. This is not the time to tell your story. This is the time to shut-up and listen. Validate their pain.

We must stop blaming trauma survivors. The world is not a safe place. We need to accept that, yes, it could happen to us too. But God is good, even if it does.

The church of God has to be a safe place. As Jesus’ hands, feet, mouth, and most importantly, heart, to a lost and dying world, we have to get this right. As we learn to be Jesus to the hurting, we teach them to be Jesus to us. After all, no one gets out of this world unscathed. We can do this.

How About You?

Dear Child of God, please tell us your story in the comments, or shoot us an email. You don’t have to be alone. And please share this post if it would bless others.

Resources

If you have experienced trauma (abuse, sexual assault, rape, abortion, or any other trauma), or someone you know has, please seek healing. Here are some Christ-based ministries that might be helpful. If they are not in your area, they may be able to refer you to help that is.

For sexual trauma: Restoration 1:99

For abortion healing: Rachel’s Vineyard

For suicide prevention resources: Cru.org

If you are contemplating suicide, cutting or harming yourself, know the world is better with you in it. We need you.

Please get help by contacting The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.

Talk to someone right now by chatting online or calling 1-800 273-8255.

The One Question that Reveals Our Heart

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When Jesus encountered a paralytic lying on a mat at the pool of Bethesda in John 5, he asked possibly the stupidest question ever, on the surface at least.

Really, though, this question, more than any other, reveals our heart.

Do you want to get well?

So here’s the deal with this pool. From time to time, an angel would stir up the waters. Then the first one in the pool got healed of whatever disease or ailment they had. The poor paralytic guy was paralyzed, so he couldn’t even roll and fall into the water. He just got to watch as people with lesser problems got healed. Can you relate?

Enter Jesus. The paralytic didn’t know it, but God set up his whole life for this moment. Jesus asks him the One Question. 

Do you want to get well?

I can think of a few humorous responses the paralytic could’ve used:

  • “Thank you, Captain Obvious.”
  • “No, Jesus, I’m just lying here getting a suntan. It’s time to do my back. Can you flip me over?”
  • “No, actually, I was hoping you could help me change the oil in my camel.”

All kidding aside, the paralytic tells Jesus the truth of his situation, that he’s got no one to help him get in the water. Then Jesus, breaker of protocols, did what he seems to do best. He broke the rules on a couple different levels all at once and miraculously healed the man on the spot. But he did it in a way that engaged the man’s faith. Jesus told him, “Get up, pick up your mat and walk.”

Now even with my limited knowledge of medical science, “get up” isn’t something you normally say to a paralytic. In the natural, it kind of reflects that Jesus didn’t quite understand the situation here. Or did he?

The paralytic could have responded, “Um, I’m paralyzed here. I can’t.” But instead, he took Jesus at his word (as crazy as it was), and tried. Maybe he felt in his body that he was healed. Maybe he wasn’t healed until he tried. But the point is, he accepted Jesus’ healing, did the impossible, and walked into a whole new life. Will you?

Do you want to get well?

Jesus could’ve said, “Ok, I’ll help you get in the pool first the next time the water’s stirred.” He had twelve disciples. Jesus could have had them block everybody else while he was getting the paralytic in the water. But he broke the local protocol.

He also broke the national protocol by having the guy carry his mat on the Sabbath, getting himself in trouble with the Jewish authorities. Again. What does a healed guy need with a mat anyway? Why didn’t Jesus have him leave it at the pool for some other sick guy? What was with that whole “pick up your mat” thing anyway? It’s almost like Jesus went out of his way to shatter people’s rules and expectations.

Do you want to get well?

I know a pastor who had someone ask for prayer after church. They had a disability hearing coming up that week. The person wanted to pray for a favorable outcome, so they would continue receiving their disability payments. This was important — it was their livelihood. The pastor asked them, “How about if we pray for healing? Then you won’t need the disability hearing.”

The person didn’t want healing. They wouldn’t let him pray for that. That would disrupt their entire life, which was built around protecting their entitlement. The person had a legitimate disability, and it’s good that our society provides a safety net. I’m not knocking disability payments or making any political point here. 

But if God broke the protocol and healed this person, it would change their life. Their livelihood would have to change. They’d have to get a job. That’s scary when you’ve lost your skills and your confidence over years of disability. 

The paralytic’s livelihood had to change. He could no longer beg, and maybe that’s all he knew. What was he supposed to do now? Thanks a lot, Jesus. Are we so comfortable with our wounding that we turn down Jesus’ healing?

Or do we believe in God’s goodness more than the safety of our wounding and victimhood? He’s got something better than begging, entitlements, and woundedness for us. Is God allowed to shatter our protocols and our expectations? Who does our heart really trust for our provision?

Do you want to get well?

John Sandford founded Elijah House as a ministry mostly for pastors caught in repetitive, often sexual, sin. Some pastors experienced tremendous freedom, never looked back, and their ministries took off. Other pastors appeared to get free, but kept falling back into the same sin-cycle over and over again.

John asked the Lord what made the difference. The Lord showed John some people wanted healing and freedom because they understood their pain, wounding, and sin interfered with serving Jesus to the fullest. These were the people who got free and stayed free — those who wanted freedom so they could serve the Lord the best they possibly could. 

But others recognized their pain only as an obstacle to living the good life. Those who only wanted freedom so they could live the good life were the ones who kept falling back into habitual sins. They were the ones who never got healed of their wounding.

Do you want to get well?

We see it all the time in the volunteer work we do at our local crisis pregnancy center in post-abortive ministry. People come to us for help because they want to be free from the pain in their lives. But some aren’t willing to leave the lifestyle that caused the pain. Some people aren’t willing to do the hard work of working through their denial, anger, unforgiveness, and right to victimhood. So they stay stuck living their lives as emotional, spiritual, and moral paralytics, looking for someone to blame for not helping them into the water.

But we’ve seen other people, sometimes with much greater wounding, do the hard work. They’ve confronted the anger, forgiving those who don’t deserve it and so released themselves from prison. They’ve worked through the denial, repenting and receiving God’s forgiveness, sometimes for the first time in their lives. They experience God’s restoration and true freedom. They never look back.

Are we willing to die to ourselves, laying down our right to be a victim? Are we willing to “pick up our mat” of scary freedom, trusting someone else, God, with our future, maybe even our livelihood? Or do we need to be in control?

Do you want to get well?

That’s the question Jesus has for all of us. Prison is a known quantity, with lots of comfortable certainty and predictability. But there’s a downside. It’s prison. 

Are you willing to let Jesus heal you? Are you willing to die to yourself and let go of the upsides of prison? Are you ready for scary, but exhilarating, freedom? Are you ready to live, instead of just existing? Do you want to get well?

Does this resonate? Please share this post if it would bless others. And tell us your story in comments. We’d love to hear from you.

3 Steps to Stop Sabotaging My Life

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How do we keep from sabotaging ourselves? I’m old friends with self-sabotage. We go way back.

When I was 8 or 10 or so, my friends and I rode bikes (bicycles, not motorcycles). Constantly. All the time. On road and off-road. Especially in the fields and canyons around our housing track in Southern California, in a suburb called Canyon Country north of Los Angeles.

I was not a strong kid, and I had a heavy Schwinn bike. My friends had more expensive, lighter bikes. I couldn’t pull up on the handle bars going over jumps like they could. My front tire would always land first, and over the handle bars I would flip. But I was smart. I learned quickly after a couple crashes not to go over jumps. I learned quickly (and falsely!) that I couldn’t do what the other kids did.

One day my two best friends and I were riding around through the fields. The trail went down sharply into a small canyon (75’ deep or so). The trick was to go down as fast as possible so you’d have enough momentum to make it up the other side. The path down was steep, narrow, and rocky. I did not like the looks of it.

My friends encouraged me. These were good, solid, Christian friends. There was no peer pressure; just true, healthy, “you can do it” encouragement. My friends went first. First Marc effortlessly made it down and up, and then Bruce did the same. Then it was my turn.

I didn’t know you were supposed to stand up on your pedals over bumpy terrain. I had a really bumpy ride going down. Although it was probably less than 15 seconds, it seemed like slow-motion terror to me. This was not fun at all; I was filled with fear. My bike was out of control!

I knew I was going to crash. Since crashing was inevitable, the best I could do was decide where I was going to crash. On rocks, or in a bush? I decided crashing into a bush would be safer. So I picked a big, 3-foot high bush and steered into it. What I didn’t know, until it was too late, was that particular bush hid a 2-foot diameter boulder, a much bigger rock than any other rock on the trail. My front wheel stopped abruptly. I did not. Over the handle bars I flew. Again.

After my friends helped me get back to my house and get the road rashes bandaged up, they asked me, “Why did you crash into the bush?”

“Because I was going to crash anyway.” Duh.

“No you weren’t, you almost made it!” 15 more feet and I’d have done something I never thought I could, but I blew the opportunity because I sabotaged myself.

I was actually succeeding in spite of myself, in spite of not knowing the basics, like standing up on the pedals. But I made myself fail, to be true to be script playing over and over in my head: “I can’t…, I’m not…, I’ll never…”

Do you do this? Is there a script playing inside your head: “I can’t…, I’m not…, I’ll never…” Sound familiar?

That whole thing’s a lie. From. The. Pit. Designed to hold you down, to keep you from reaching your potential, the identity God created you for.

  • “I can’t be both successful and happy.”
  • “I’m not lovable. No one will ever love me.” (My personal favorite hogwash.)
  • “I’ll never reach that dream.”

None of that rubbish is true. Yet because we believe it is, it has power over us and we live it out. Because we’ve heard it in our head our whole life, we don’t even notice it anymore and we think it’s normal. So we sabotage our relationships, our success, and our dreams. We pick the safest bush to crash into, discovering too late that lying bush hides the very rock we’re trying to avoid.

So here’s 3 ways to escape self-sabotage:

1) Identify your limiting beliefs. Limiting beliefs are the chains we use to hold ourselves down.

Someone in my writer’s group recently asked the group a question: “A friend wants to pay me to edit his book. But I’m not an editor, what should I charge?” Do you see her limiting belief? “I’m not an editor.” Even though she’s written a couple books, and part of her day-job is editing sales-copy! If someone wants to pay you to edit, you’re an editor!

The worst limiting belief we all have to some degree is our Upper Limit Problem (kudos to Gay Hendricks for coining this term in his book The Big Leap (not an affiliate link). Our Upper Limit Problem is the false belief that we can’t be simultaneously successful in love, finances, and creativity. If one area, or especially two, start to go outrageously well, we sabotage the other area(s) to bring ourselves back down to where we (falsely!) think we belong.

The good news is, we can shed our Upper Limit Problem. The first step is identifying those limiting beliefs.

2) Start telling yourself a different story. Out loud. In Public.

My former mentor, Jeff Goins, has a short, little powerful book called You Are A Writer: So Start Acting Like One (not an affiliate link). His point is, you’re a writer (or whatever) when you start calling yourself one. Silence the limiting beliefs “I can’t…, I’m not…, I’ll never…” by telling yourself a different script.

Ok, you sold me, but what script should I tell myself? Do I just make one up? No, get Heaven’s script for you. Because it’s not a script. It’s a calling.

So how do I find my calling? It’s that thing you’re passionate about. What makes your heart leap? Who do you think put that there? That’s heaven’s calling God planted in your heart.

The enemy’s plan is to get us so weighed down with the day-to-day, going-nowhere, hamster-wheel, slog-of-life that we forget what it feels like to be passionate about something. The kingdom of darkness can’t risk many of us actually living out God’s calling on our lives. The most effective way to squelch that calling is to break our heart, where the calling lives.

That’s why sexual purity is so important in our culture. The lure of pleasure and relationship without cost, restraint, or commitment trick us into giving our heart away, one broken relationship at a time. Pretty soon we have no heart left, and no calling. We forget who we are, let alone what we’re passionate about.

God wants to restore your passion. What feeds your soul? Get away and go do that thing, get some soul time. Ask God to remind you what you’ve forgotten. What used to make your heart sing? Then start telling yourself that story.

So often the Holy Spirit’s job is dealing with our limiting beliefs that war against our calling. Look at Moses’ calling in Exodus 3 and 4. Moses had a whole slew of limiting beliefs:

  • “I’m a nobody.” (Exodus 3:11)
  • “I can’t take a mission from God. I don’t even know God’s name.” (Exodus 3:13)
  • “I’m just some random guy wandering in from the desert. The Israelites won’t believe me.” (Exodus 4:1)
  • “I can’t talk to Pharaoh. I stutter.” (Exodus 3:10)

The thing is, they were all true! And Heaven totally doesn’t care. God’s calling wins over earth’s limitations every time. Unless…

Unless we actually say, “No, I’m not doing that.” God was fine with all of Moses’ excuses until Moses actually said “please send someone else” in Exodus 4:13. Verse 14 says God’s anger burned against Moses. But even then, God made a deal with him to send his brother, Aaron, with him to do the talking.

So start telling people you’re a writer/musician/artist/chef/entrepenuer/whatever/fill-in-the-blank-for-you. What are you passionate about? What makes your heart leap?

3) Take the first step in that direction. Really.

Don’t overthink it. Just take that first step. Any first step. Yes, I know it’s easy to say, but hard to do. As an engineer, I have a PhD in over-thinking things. The truth is, that’s just my fear protecting me from my calling. “Gee thanks, Fear, but with friends like you, who needs enemies.” Exactly. Over-thinking is not your friend.

Play this game. Ask yourself, “What would I do if I wasn’t afraid? If I really was that thing, what would I do?” Then do that.

Do a little acting. You’re Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie. You’ve been given a star role. Start playing it. This isn’t “fake it till you make it,” but “believe it till you become it.” (Thank you Jeff Goins!)

So how about you? What have you forgotten makes your heart sing? God hasn’t forgotten. He’s dying (literally, Jesus did that) to redeem and awaken your forgotten passion, so you can live the adventure he created you for. What is it? Tell us in the comments, and please share if this would bless someone else.

3 Ways to Not Let Your History Control Your Destiny

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Our destiny is the adventure God created us to live. Yet so many of us are not living it, and our history is why—all the wounding, trauma, pain—and the fear it brings. The good news is our history does not have to control our destiny. Jesus is bigger than your fear, and he wants to heal your pain.

To keep us from that healing, our enemy wants us to live in our pain. Forever. He’s terrified of us living our God-given adventure. If we do that, his kingdom of darkness will take major hits and there’s nothing he can do about it. His only hope is to be pre-emptive. That’s why you feel so much fear and spiritual resistance whenever you start to move in your calling.

Our enemy’s strategy is, “I will wound them with so much trauma that the overwhelming pain and resultant fear keeps them from ever moving into the life God created them to live.” Those are the components of the enemy’s strategy: Trauma, causing pain, causing fear, which keeps us stuck. And that’s his goal—to keep us stuck in the pain, never moving into the adventure God has for us. Because he’s terrified of that.

It’s a diabolically brilliant plan. It works on every one of us, taking us hostage to fear. He’s got just one little problem though: The cross. The empty tomb. The love of a relentless God who just won’t stop meddling with things.

Actually, it’s a big problem. The blood of Jesus demolishes all the structures, lies, and plans of our enemy over our lives. The power of the love of God is stronger than the power of the trauma, pain, and fear in our lives.

But we have a choice. The Holy Spirit won’t just burst his healing into our lives like Satan did with trauma and sin. God loves and trusts us enough to honor our choice. Our healing is a partnership with Jesus. It’s our choice.

So here are 3 ways to partner with God and not let your history control your destiny.

1) Decide to Not Play the Victim

Enough is enough already. I’m sick of the pain and wounding in my life, and I pray you are too. The first step in getting free is deciding we want to be free. It’s acknowledging the pain in our lives and believing God can heal it.

2) Get Healing

Step 2 is to proactively get healing. We need to seek it out, and actively take steps to pursue our healing. Healing comes in many forms. For some of us, it’s counseling. For others, deliverance. And then there’s inner healing, prayer ministry, or medication. For most of us, it’s going to be a unique combination of the above.

Some of us need medication first to level us out enough so we can receive counseling, inner healing, and/or prayer ministry effectively. Some of us need deliverance or prayer ministry first.

It may take several tries until we find the counselor, pastor, prayer minister, and/or doctor that work for us. That’s normal. Keep trying.

Pro Tip: Ask to sign releases so your pastor, counselor, prayer minister, and/or doctor can talk to each other. You want everybody on your team on the same page. That doesn’t just happen by chance. Be proactive. Ask them to call each other and talk about your case.

3) Limit Negative Influences in Your Life

Misery loves company. The only thing worse than being miserable is being miserable alone. Some friends are just toxic, and they need to go. People who identify with you because your wounding matches theirs may not be happy when you get healthy.

I know a young woman who has a very difficult relationship with her godly parents. A few years ago, through interventive counseling and prayer ministry initiated by her parents, she was on the verge of a breakthrough and healing in that important relationship. But she had a friend who has a bad relationship with her own toxic parents. This friend sabotaged the young woman’s healing. Who else would the friend commiserate with if the young woman got healing?

“Bearing your heart to your hurting friends is not helping. Because all they do is accommodate you in your pain and understand it. You call that sensitivity; I call it enablement.” –Dan Mohler

When someone resents or downplays our healing, that’s a sign that friendship is unhealthy. The young woman would have been better off pulling away from that friend. But because her healing was hi-jacked, she’s now into decades of total estrangement from her parents.

But what do you do if you’re married to the negative influence?

I know someone who, every time they get inspired to move forward in their calling, excitedly talks to their spouse about it. This spouse is like a wet blanket. Their response is always, “Ok that’s great, but…” And they point out the difficulties, issues, or obstacles. The result is the person either doesn’t move forward at all, or moves forward in a limited way.

Now, yes, there’s a balance here. When you share an idea or a plan, most people will just say, “Wow, that’s great!” and won’t share any checks they have in their spirit about it. You want someone in your life who will tell you what no one else will.

Spouses are great for this. A healthy spouse is a great sounding board. While they tell you the obstacles they see that maybe you don’t, they are willing to help you work through them. If your spouse is truly supportive, you’ll come away from the conversation feeling encouraged, not discouraged. You’ll feel empowered, not limited. They are excited about you moving forward, not threatened by it.

If, maybe out of their own wounding, they are consistently a wet blanket of negativity, talking to them is not helping you. You are stuck with a significant negative influence in your life. You need to realize this and acknowledge it.

A negative reaction typically comes from fear. Because of their wounding, your vision is scary or intimidating to them. But you are not helpless. You need to find a way to share it that is less scary. And you can.

If you need ideas for dealing with this situation, download our free guide “7 Ways to Deal with a Wet Blanket Spouse.”

Download the Guide
“7 Ways to Deal with a
Wet Blanket Spouse”

    Do not accept it like it’ll never change. Don’t let your spouse be your excuse for not walking into your destiny. That’s not fair to either of you.

    Your Turn

    So how about it? We want to help you walk out of your history and into your destiny. What in your past has kept, or is keeping, you stuck? How did you walk, or are walking, out of it? Tell us in the comments—your story and vulnerability will help others. Or shoot us an email [LINK http://identityinwholeness.com/contact-us/] if it’s too personal. We’d love to hear from you. And please share this post on social media to bless others.

    Why Life is Sacred and What that Even Means

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    Sacred. What does that word even mean? We hardly use it anymore today. It sounds like a vegetable. “Yeah, we just planted some sacred between the beets and the squash.” But it’s a very important word. Because life is sacred. When our hearts lose the truth of that last sentence, we descend into the very worst of humanity. But when we live that truth, we reflect the best.

    Google says sacred means:

    • Connected with God (or the gods) or dedicated to a religious purpose and so deserving veneration.
    • Religious rather than secular.
    • Of writing or text, embodying the laws or doctrines of a religion.

    Wrong. That’s not even right! We totally don’t know what the word even means anymore. Sacred is not just a synonym for religious.

    Wikipedia’s Sacred page starts with: “Sacred means revered due to sanctity and is generally the state of being perceived by religious individuals as associated with divinity and considered worthy of spiritual respect or devotion; or inspiring awe or reverence among believers. Objects are often considered sacred if used for spiritual purposes, such as the worship or service of gods.”

    Wrong again. “Sacred means revered due to sanctity”? That’s a circular definition! At best, Wikipedia makes it sound irrelevant to everyday life. But nothing could be more relevant to life than an understanding, at the heart level, of this word.

    Yes, both Google and Wikipedia capture the way the word is often used, but that’s not what it means. It is used in these ways because of what it means. So let’s find out what it really means.

    Merriam-Webster reaches back a little further than the birth of the Internet. While listing similar definitions to Google and Wikipedia, Merriam-Webster also says this, which is the real definition of sacred:

    • Entitled to reverence and respect
    • Highly valued and important

    Sacred is often used for religious meanings because we traditionally have considered God, and the things of God, worthy of respect and highly important. But sacred really means entitled to and worthy of reverence and respect, highly valued and important. Irreplaceable. Something you don’t mess with.

    That’s your life. That’s my life. That’s our lives. That’s all human life. Human life is sacred, not to be messed with, because we’re created in the very image of God (Genesis 1:27). None of the animals were, only people. We alone are this unique blend of physical and spiritual life.

    Human life is sacred. You don’t mess with it. When we forget this truth, or ignore it, we make devastating consequences for ourselves. We deal ourselves a huge loss.

    During her American visit in the ‘90s, when Bill Clinton was president, Mother Teresa was asked by Hillary Clinton, “Why haven’t we had a women president yet?” Mother Teresa didn’t even blink, “She was probably aborted.” HRC was not amused.

    Every life has a tree of life attached to it. Children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, etc. And that’s just heredity. Think about impact. We all touch thousands of lives. That touch matters, for good or ill. Those lives will never be the same.

    Who’s inspired you? Who has pulled you back from the brink? A parent? A teacher? A coach? An author? A friend? Where would you be if that life never existed?

    It’s a Wonderful Life, the black ‘n’ white movie with Jimmy Stewart, is more than just a drippy Christmas movie. It’s an amazing example of this concept. You know the story. George Bailey, at the height of his despair over his own failed life, gets the tremendous gift of seeing what the world would be like without him. Turns out he’s not a failure after all. His life held back tremendous evil in his town, hugely affecting everyone in ways they would never know. Hundreds of men would’ve died on the other side of the world during WWII, because his medal-of-honor war hero brother wasn’t there to save them, because George wasn’t there to save him when he fell through the ice when they were children. Every life matters.

    Life is sacred. You don’t mess with it.

    The worst of humanity comes out when we lose sight of this truth. The Nazis. ISIS. North Korea. Stalin’s purges in the old Soviet Union. Abortion.

    We’ve lost over 60 million lives due to abortion in America alone (which is a small number compared to the rest of the world). To put it in perspective, the Holocaust was 18 million. Our numbers are 3 times that, and counting.

    If you count not just the deaths, but the devastation left in abortion’s wake, it’s at least 180 million. Because there’s a mother whose maternal nurturing identity was devastated with the death of her child. There’s a father whose paternal provider/protector identity was cut to the heart, replaced by a false identity of failure. And we haven’t counted grandparents or siblings yet, who also lost a family member.

    The lie in the culture is about quality of life over sanctity of life. Do any of these lies sound familiar?

    “It was for the best, she’s got three kids on welfare already.” It doesn’t matter how poor the mother is. Do we really believe only rich people deserve to live? I thought money couldn’t buy happiness?

    “The ultrasound and amniocentesis show the baby has Down’s syndrome. You should abort.” Have you ever known a child with Down’s syndrome? I have. These precious children bless the lives of everyone who meets them. Yet some countries have aborted almost every one of them, to their great loss. The eugenicists of the ‘20s would be so proud. God forgive us and lead us to repent.

    “She had her whole life ahead of her. She had to abort. Now she can go to college and her life can get back to normal.” Had to abort? That doesn’t sound like a choice. The truth is, her life will never get back to “normal,” whatever that means. Once she’s pregnant, she’s a mother. She can either be a mother who has a child, or a mother who lost one. But she will never again not be a mother.

    All of these common excuses for abortion reflect quality of life, not sanctity of life. Life is sacred. You don’t mess with it.

    If one life, especially the most vulnerable—the unborn who have no voice of their own to stand up for themselves—is not valued, then no one’s life is safe.

    The culture of death does not stop with abortion. It starts there. Here’s the slippery slope:

    • Abortion
    • Assisted suicide
    • Euthanasia for the comatose
    • Euthanasia for the elderly
    • Euthanasia for the disabled
    • Euthanasia for the “undesirables”
    • The Final Solution

    Sound familiar? Have you seen this movie? Haven’t we already had this nightmare? How many times do we have to stumble blindly down this road?

    Let’s not let history repeat itself again. We can stop this.

    Speak up for life. Support your local crisis pregnancy center. Help an unwed mother. Be the change we want to see. God will always strengthen us for this and answer that prayer. Perhaps we were born for such a time as this.

    If you have had an abortion, or fathered an aborted child, get healing. Jesus loves you and has so much healing for you, but you can’t walk through it yourself. You need help, and it’s so available, just waiting for you. Here are some resources to help you find a Christ-centered, post-abortive recovery program in your area. And if you can’t find one, email us. We’ll walk through it with you.

    http://www.rachelsvineyard.org/weekend/sites.aspx

    http://hopeafterabortion.com

    https://optionline.org/after-abortion-support

    http://afterabortion.org/help-healing

    https://www.healingafterabortion.org/mission–vision-statement.html

    So who’s made a significant impact in your life? Where would you be if that person wasn’t there? Tell us in the comments. And please share on social media if you think this post would bless someone els

    How to Live Beyond Happiness–In Deep Joy from Your Spirit

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    What is Deep Joy anyway? Sometimes it’s easier to explain what a thing is not, so let’s start there. Deep Joy is not happiness. Deep Joy is so much better than mere happiness.

    Happiness is situational. When circumstances are great, we’re happy. When they’re not, we’re not happy. Happiness is based on circumstances, and therefore is out of our control. Happiness is from the outside in.

    But we buy the culture’s lie that we can control our happiness. We just have to do one simple thing:

    • “Buy this widget!”
    • “Read this book!”
    • “Get that next promotion!”
    • “Work harder! Try harder! Play harder! Go, go, go!”
    • “You just need a relationship!”
    • “Just have enough sex!”

    Sound familiar? How many of us live chasing these elusive lies?

    Hint: If you live for “that next thing”—the better job, the faster car, the bigger house, the next relationship—you’re living for happiness. And happiness never arrives. There’s always one more thing.

    Chasing happiness is like buying your life from a used-car dealer—it’s just never going to live up to the marketing hype. And then we get cynical out of anger at ourselves for having believed the lie. The wounding silences our spirit. We start protecting our heart by living out of our soul.

    And then our definition of happiness changes to “just not feeling the pain.” Living out of our soul, we exist to quiet the pain we pretend we don’t hear but just won’t shut up.

    One of the dumbest things I often hear my fellow parents say is, “I just want my kids to be happy.” Honestly, I want to smack them. I don’t want my kids to be unhappy, but I want so much more for them than happiness. I want them to live in Deep Joy.

    Don’t get me wrong—happiness isn’t bad. Personally, I like happiness; I’ll take it. But I love Deep Joy.

    Deep Joy is from the inside out. It’s an inner fulfillment that’s independent of your surrounding circumstances. You can be unhappy and in pain, because your outward circumstances stink, but still have Deep Joy and light radiating from your inner being. Regardless of your circumstances, living in Deep Joy leaves you fulfilled and satisfied, always with something to give others. But it comes from your spirit. You can’t get there living out of your soul.

    So here’s the deal. We are three-part beings—body, soul, and spirit. Our soul is our mind, will, and emotions.

    So often, because of the hurts we’ve received in this life from other wounded people, our hurt and our wounding take over and we live from our soul instead of from our spirit. When we live from our soul, either our mind or our emotions are in charge.

    When our mind is in charge, we think we’ll be safe if we have it all figured out. We are in control. Nothing happens without a plan, without our pre-approval. We deceive ourselves into thinking we can push down the pain if we’re in control. We can become a sterile shell of a person. We look great on the outside and fool everyone else, but inside we’re empty and hurting.

    When our emotions are in charge, we’re focused on what will make us happy in this moment, ignoring the long-term consequences. We lose our grasp on cause ‘n’ effect. We can get into addictions—food, drugs, alcohol, sex, porn, TV—whatever makes us feel “happy” (i.e., not in pain) at the moment. We know the pain is crouching ready to pounce at any moment, but we delay it for just one more instant.

    Too many Christians live out one of these two tragedies. That’s because, even though we’re forgiven, we’re not healed. And there’s a mile of difference between being forgiven and being healed.

    Living from our soul is not life, it’s just existence. But Jesus died (and lives!) so we can have abundant life. He said himself, “I came that they might have life, and have it abundantly!” (John 10:10)

    When we live from our spirit, our will is in charge. Our spirit is connected to Jesus, the author of Deep Joy, who sets the direction for our life. From our will, we choose to believe His promises instead of believing our own fear and pain. Our emotions, like pain sensors in our body, are there to tell us when we’re hurting, but they should never set our direction. Our mind is there to devise a good, solid plan for going where our will chooses to go, but it should never set our direction.

    So here’s three practical steps for living in Deep Joy from your spirit. You can do these all at the same time or in any order. Often they repeat throughout our life and go deeper each time around.

    1) Settle the Question.

    Deep Joy (fulfillment and satisfaction independent of circumstances that overflow your spirit) only come from one place—relationship with Jesus, the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. He wants to be so much more than your Savior. He wants to be your Lover-King.

    Have you, or will you, say “yes” to making him Lord of your life? Is there some area of your life where he’s not Lord? Are you willing to give that area (maybe your whole life) to him? Not because you have to, because you want to, because you’re blown away by his love for you. If you haven’t reached that point yet, that’s ok. Ask him every day to make his love real to you. And then hold on, because here it comes.

    2) Go to the Pain.

    Instead of letting your mind or your emotions protect you from the pain, choose to go to the pain.

    Cattle run away from thunderstorms, but because the storm’s moving the same direction, they get soaked a lot longer trying to avoid it. But buffalo run straight into the thunderstorm. Moving in the opposite direction, they get through it must faster.

    “Embrace the fireball of pain,” like John Sandford said. Go there and explore it with your spouse, your pastor, a counselor, a trusted friend, and most of all with Jesus. Let him bring healing and help you forgive. This is a process, be gentle with yourself. But go there. You were created to be brave. You and Jesus can do this.

    3) Replace the Lies with the Truth.

    The pain has such a grip on us because we’ve believed a lot of lies. But lies are built on a house of cards and replacing them with God’s truth blows them away. Sometimes getting one promise of God into your spirit can topple decades of lies.

    For example, I believed no one would ever love me. That lie led me to make some really poor choices in my life, even as a life-long Christian. But I’m replacing it with God’s truth, Psalm 139. (In particular, verse14, “I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” Verse 17, “How precious about me are your thoughts, O God.” Verse 5, “You have laid your hand upon me.” And many more.)

    When the lie invades your mind, whack it over the head by saying out-loud, even if you’re just whispering to yourself, “I take that thought captive to Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5), and I choose to believe ____.” Fill in the blank with your promise(s) from God. I found mine in Psalm 139. Where are yours? Here’s another promise of mine, and many other people, whose lies tell them they’ve fallen too far to be redeemable:

    Jesus gives me a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of despair, and a garment of praise instead of mourning. (Isaiah 61:3)

    Beauty for ashes, gladness for despair, and praise for mourning. I love it! That’s where my Deep Joy comes from.

    So how about you? Does this resonate with you? Will you live out of Deep Joy instead of chasing elusive happiness? Tell us your story in the comments, and please share on social media if this would bless someone else.

    How to Find Meaning in Your Pain by Doing These Two Things

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    [Author’s Note: Many thanks to Elijah House. Many of the concepts in this post are from their teaching on The Spiritual Development of the Believer.]

    There’s a part of the Gospel that we too often neglect. It’s uncomfortable, and our modern world is all about catering to our comfort. But this forgotten part of the gospel is critical to living a deeply satisfying, fulfilling, and thriving life. That type of life only comes from spiritual maturity. And maturity, spiritual or otherwise, only comes from this.

    Suffering and pain. Doh! There, I said it! Don’t bounce! Please keep reading!

    What if Laura Story was right?

    “What if the trials of this life, the rain, the storms, the hardest nights, are Your mercies in disguise?” – Laura Story, from the song Blessings

    What if God works through the pain we suffer in this life—whether from our own sin, someone’s sin against us (which is never your fault!), or just the pain of living in this fallen world—what if God is working through it all for our good, to bring us into maturity? Isn’t that in the Bible somewhere? (Hint: See Romans 8:28.)

    “Maturity and wisdom only come through a suffering experience.” – John Sandford

    In my youth, I used to be very judgmental and very naïve. I was judgmental toward people I didn’t know well. Why can’t they straighten up and fly right, and live righteously like me? After I suffered through a 20+ year emotionally abusive marriage, my wife left, and I found myself getting a divorce, then I had a lot more compassion for people with broken marriages.

    Conversely and naïvely, I gave a blank check to people I knew personally. I took for granted they brought the same objectivity and selfless motives to the table that I did. I found out very painfully, both through my divorce and in a failed church I was part of, that people aren’t always trying to solve the problem in the best way for everyone involved. Sometimes people are just trying to win.

    Experience is a cruel teacher of both compassion and truth.

    That sounds contradictory, but it’s true. Suffering makes us:

    • More humble, yet more bold.
    • Less defensive, yet more vulnerable.
    • Repent quicker and forgive quicker.
    • Give up self-centeredness in favor of self-sacrifice.
    • Able to speak the truth in love.

    Although we try, we are genuinely not able to speak the truth in love until we’ve experienced suffering.

    There’s nothing like a cruel dose of reality to drive all the fanciful rainbows and unicorns out of your head. Experience teaches us truth. Without truth, we’re just all permissiveness and victimhood.

    But experience also gives us empathy. Because we’ve actually been through the hard situation, we now have compassion for others in that same situation. Without love, we’re legalistic.

    Neither permissiveness nor legalism are the gospel. God brings us through suffering to work these things out of us, and replace it with maturity. Maturity is not a spiritual gift. It is earned through suffering.

    Without maturity, spiritual giftings are actually dangerous. A lot of damage has been done in the church by immature people with tremendous giftings.

    The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. – Galatians 5:22-23

    Maturity is marked by the fruit of the Spirit, not the gifts of the Spirit. The fruit of the spirit are attitudes, not behaviors. Look at that list again. Those are all internal character qualities. Yes, they produce outward behaviors. You can fake the outward behaviors, for a while. But if you don’t have an inner attitude of patience, for example, you’re not going to be able to fake patient behavior for long.

    Here are two things we can do to find meaning in our life’s pain.

    1) Get healing

    Your pain needs healing. God doesn’t want to remove the memory of the pain. Healing doesn’t change history; God doesn’t give us holy amnesia. But God wants to heal the memory of the pain, and its effects in our lives.

    God wants to give you beauty for ashes. I encourage you to pursue healing for the pain you’ve been carrying. Here are some resources for you. If they are not local to you, they can probably recommend something that is, or at least point you in the right direction.

    Elijah House (inner healing)

    Dominion Virginia Counseling counseling and inner healing)

    The Church Unchained: LukeNine1&2 Ministries (deliverance)

    Rachel’s Vineyard (post-abortion healing)

    Grief to Grace (sexual abuse)

    Restoration 1:99 (sex trafficking, sexual abuse & other trauma)

    2) God, who do you want to be for me in this?

    Everything we need in this life is found in the person of Jesus, in the character of God. So in every trouble and pain in your life, God wants to reveal something about himself. He wants you to experience some attribute of his character, maybe something you know about him intellectually but have never experienced at a heart-level.

    “The only struggle we have is against the goodness of God.” – Graham Cooke (my paraphrase)

    Graham Cooke says, as believers, we can’t actually be challenged by the enemy. As if! Graham says we can only be challenged by the goodness of God. In this horrible situation in my life, is God still good? Is he still faithful to me, even in this? Is he still strong for me, even in this? What attribute of God’s character is he revealing to you in the middle of your dark night of the soul?

    I’ve asked that question over and over, with many tears, in the blackness of the night, in the heat of the battle, in the middle of all the pain. Because even the darkness is not dark to God (Psalm 139:12).

    Your Turn

    What has the pain in your life taught you? Share your story in the comments; it will help others. What are you going through now? Tell us in the comments; there’s a community here to support you. Or shoot us an email if it’s too personal. We’d love to pray and stand with you. And please share this post if it would bless others.