How to Engage Emotionally Triggered People without Getting Skewered

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With the overturn of Roe v. Wade, our culture is in an emotionally volatile season right now. It can be scary, difficult, and even dangerous to jump into the conversation. But we must. We have the life-giving truth that sets people free. God has called us to such a time as this (Esther 4:14). We have the truth the culture is so desperate for, even as they are openly hostile toward it.

“Silence does not interpret itself.” – Father Frank Pavone, Priests for Life

So many people are being triggered right now. There’s a lot of anger, vitriol, and animosity out there. How can a Christian bring God’s truth to such an emotionally volatile environment without getting skewered? Is it even possible to engage emotionally triggered people in a way that’s actually helpful, instead of just pouring more gasoline on the fire?

Yes it is. But there are 5 important things we need to know in order to bring God’s truth in the middle of this chaos.

1) How the Brain Works

We need to understand the brain science behind where the other person is right now. Here is a 90-second video of a simple hand-brain model that explains it.

Their rational brain is off-line. While they are in their emotional brain, you can’t make a logical argument right now because their logic center isn’t online to hear it. So save your breath. Don’t take the bait and get sucked into an unproductive argument.

Instead, we need to slow them down so their prefrontal cortex (the logical thinking part of the brain) can come back online. Do the next 2 things. When you get good at them, they are invaluable in pivoting a hostile argument into a respectful conversation.

2) Let Them Win by Finding Common Ground

What?!? Let them win?!? Are you crazy?!? They’re wrong!!! Here’s the deal. Most people, especially when emotionally spun-up, are in the argument to win it. All of their energy and focus is directed into getting you to say they’re right.

So say it. Find some common ground you can agree on, without lying. Compliment them on it, no matter how irrelevant or off-topic it seems. Here are some examples.

  • I agree everyone should have control over their own body.
  • Yeah, it’s unsettling when an issue that’s been settled for 50 years gets stirred up again, isn’t it?
  • I understand how you could feel that way.
  • I really respect your passion for this issue. I wish everyone cared about it as much as you do.

Now, instead of an opponent to be conquered in the battleground of an argument, you’ve become a partner in a conversation.

It’s hard to keep fighting when you’ve won. Your emotional brain chalks up a victory, and your rational brain slowly comes back online. So give them a victory. Find some common ground you can honestly agree with and compliment them for.

3) Ask Questions, Don’t Make Statements

To slow the other person down, ask questions, don’t make statements.

Statements, however kind and well thought out, just feed the emotional swirl, like throwing gasoline on the fire. But asking questions makes them stop, pause, and think. They need their rational brain to answer a question. So by asking questions, you’re inviting their rational brain to come back online.

Here are some examples:

  • Is it an injustice to withhold from others privileges that we’ve been given?
  • Do we owe others the privilege of being born?
  • Is it justice to punish the innocent for the guilty?
  • Would it be social justice to help women who want to keep their babies financially by giving them equipment, diapers, formula, parenting resources, and rent money?
  • Is it an injustice for a woman to be coerced into an abortion she doesn’t want?

Asking questions gets them out of combat mode and into co-operative mode, so you can have a conversation instead of an argument.

Learning to ask the right questions is the key. Don’t just fire off something by rote. Listen to them and ask the Holy Spirit for the right question that will slow them down.

4) Frame It as a Justice Issue

My baby-boomer generation, in many ways, is given over to seeking happiness, materialism, and pleasure. I can’t tell you how often I’ve heard my peers say, “I just want my children to be happy.” I want to smack them! Too many boomers sacrifice truth and righteousness for comfort and ease.

Today’s younger generation does not have that failing. God has put justice deep in their hearts. Young people today are a justice generation. By framing your question as a justice issue, you can disrupt the narrative they’ve been taught to parrot and invite them to think about it differently. The questions above are examples of how to do this.

Frame your point as a question about a justice issue.

I understand “framing something a certain way” can sound manipulative, and it can be. It depends if you’re lying or not. You can argue abortion is the largest justice issue of our day. We have to stop killing our children. So truthfully framing a pro-life discussion in this way isn’t manipulative, it’s wisdom.

5) Know Your Job

It’s not our job to win the argument. Our job is to:

  • Slow them down.
  • Invite them to think a thought they haven’t thought before.
  • Give the Holy Spirit space to work.

Then, even if they may not agree up-front, as they ruminate on what you’ve said, the Holy Spirit will speak to their heart.

The world is so desperate for the truth we have. But at the same time, they are very hostile toward it. Understanding these 5 things can help us partner with the Holy Spirit, engaging the culture in a way they can receive, while still protecting our heart.

Your Turn

What do you think? Have you had success bringing someone out of “fight mode” into a respectful conversation? How did you do that? Tell us your story in the comments, and please share this post if it would bless others.

One last thing. Janet and I do post-abortive healing recovery ministry in a safe, judgement-free, no-condemnation environment. If you’re post-abortive, both women and men, God has so much healing, mercy, and forgiveness for you. Please reach out to us at dave@IdentityInWholeness.com or janet@IdentityInWholeness.com.

Wonderfully Disruptive Spiritual Technology

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I have a friend who had a dream. People were standing in lines waiting to go somewhere, or get into something. Many lines, straight and orderly. Very polite, very systematic. But then some people came along who created quite a disturbance by pulling people out of the lines. They were very adamant about convincing people to get out of the lines. It really upset the systematic flow of things, and made many people in the lines very angry.

The people causing the disturbance were Christians. Because at the front of the lines, where everyone in line was waiting to get to, were demons throwing people off a cliff into hell. Some Christians were snatching people out of the demon’s hands as they were throwing them over the cliff. Some Christians were even diving off the cliff after people. The Christians were creating quite a disruption to the nice, neat, orderly system. They broke it.

The Kingdom of God is like that. It’s disruptive. It upsets the apple cart wherever it goes.

Remember when AOL owned the Internet? We’d all sit for 5 minutes waiting to get online, listening to modem tones, and were happy if the program didn’t have to redial. AOL was the best dial-up Internet service provider in the world. They owned it. Nothing could de-throne them. Except a different technology. DSL and then cable came along, and AOL was dead in a few years.

Remember when we all had landline phones in our houses? I grew up with an egg timer next to the house phone, so we could limit long-distance calls to 3 minutes. Then came cell phones. Now most people no longer have landlines, and many young adults don’t know what “long-distance” even means.

How about TV? ABC, NBC, and CBS used to be the kings. Now they’re all paupers vying for crumbs from the tables of Netflix and Apple TV. New technology changes everything.

Look at how Amazon’s revolutionizing the retail markets. They’ve crushed the brick ‘n’ mortar bookstores and other retail markets. Cyber-Monday is majorly eclipsing Black Friday. And now they’re going after supermarkets. Enjoy Giant and Safeway while you can—here comes Amazon Fresh.

None of that is bad. It’s actually hugely better. I, for one, don’t miss modem tones one little bit. I love my iPhone. And I’m looking forward to Amazon Fresh delivering my groceries to my door in a few years with a drone. It’s just what happens naturally when new technology changes everything.

The Kingdom of God is like that. It changes everything wherever it goes. The old spiritual technology is called religion. The new, disruptive spiritual technology is the Kingdom of God. It overturns the religious apple cart wherever it goes. Literally. Jesus actually physically flipped over the religious tables in the temple (see John 2:13-16 and Matthew 21:12-13).

“Sometimes the greatest opponents to what God is doing on the Earth today are the guardians of what God did yesterday.” – Arthur Burk

If you dare to believe Jesus and chase the passion he’s put on your heart, it will change everything. People will think you’re crazy, but you’ll be in God’s immediate family (Matthew 12:46-50). You’ll find yourself in a perfect storm, but Jesus calms the storm (Mark 4:35-39). You’ll get attacked by poisonous snakes, we all know them, but they will have no power over you (Acts 28:3-6). A thousand will fall at your side and ten thousand at your right hand, but it won’t come near you (Psalm 91:7). Quite the adventure!

I am transitioning from a very stable, 30-year career as a successful software engineer to a risky future as an author, blogger, life coach, and online content provider. Am I nuts or what? But I can’t let go of this passion to share with the world the healing God’s given me.

How about you?

How has God disrupted your life? Share it with us in the comments or an email. And if you think this would bless or challenge someone else, please share this post on social media.

How to Speak the Truth in Love

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As Christians, we are Jesus’ hands and feet. Jesus’ mouthpiece. The presentation of Jesus’ heart to the world. The uncompromising truth of God’s holiness walking lockstep with Jesus’ sacrifice and compassion for the world.

The church should be the most compassionate place on earth. And yet, the church has a problem. It’s made up of people like you and me. People who aren’t completely sanctified and holy yet. Out of our incompleteness and inadequacies, do we misrepresent Jesus to the world?

There’s one thing in particular where I think the church needs to grow up and become mature. Understanding people where they’re at. Not justifying or excusing where they’re at (like the media does). But understanding.

We need to understand sin is not the problem. Yes, it creates problems and devastation in our lives. But sin is just the outward, low hanging fruit everyone can see. Mistaking sin as the problem turns Christianity into sin management instead of inner transformation.

Understanding what’s really going on takes insight and discernment. The motivation causing our sin is the real problem – medicating the wounding and believing lies.

All sin is based on lies. Telling the world how bad their sin is just turns them off to Jesus because they see us hypocritically doing the same things. Instead, we should be telling them God’s truth, which contradicts the lies they’ve been taught.

If you’ve ever said, “I just don’t see how someone can _____,” you’ve just identified yourself (in that moment at least) as a pharisee. Doh! I know, that’s harsh. Guilty as charged, I’ve said this. Let’s go back to God and repent.

If we “just don’t see how someone can _____,” it means we don’t understand. Rather than condemning the person, let’s ask God for his heart for them. Because he does understand how they can do that thing. He understands the wounding of their heart. And if we as the church are going to be at all effective in ministering God’s healing to them, we need to understand also.

As Christians, we too often make one of two errors. Either we don’t speak the truth, or we don’t say it with love. The Apostle Paul says it best:

Let’s no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of people in their deceitful scheming. Instead, speaking the truth in love, let’s grow up to become in every respect the mature body Christ. (Ephesians 4:14-15, my paraphrase of the NIV)

If we as the church can learn to do these two things, in balance together, we’ll change the world.

(1) Learning to Speak Truth

Especially now, in this crazed cancel culture we find ourselves engulfed in, the world is acting out its spiritual infancy. Tossed back and forth by the waves of the latest media outrage, the world is blown here and there by the cunning and craftiness of dark forces in their deceitful scheming, who manipulate our emotions to secure their own power.

As Christians, we offer the world the truth of God. We truly are a city shining on a hill, a light in the darkness, shining like the stars in the heavens in a warped and crooked generation (Matthew 5:14, Philippians 2:15).

If we don’t speak the truth, no one will.

We are the ones with the word of life, the truth of God. We need to tell the world the truth they don’t want to hear but desperately need:

  • God created the world. We did not make ourselves. Christians must tell the truth about creation, exposing the lie of evolution.
  • Sex was created by God, for marriage between a man and a woman, as a beautiful thing to model our relationship with him, intimate and solely committed for life. (That’s why there’s no marriage in heaven, see Matthew 22:30, because we have the real thing.) Outside of heterosexual marriage, it’s a completely different picture, which is why it’s wrong. Christians must expose the lie of the sexual revolution, as well as the lies of the homosexual and transgender agendas.
  • All life is sacred. Christians must expose the lie of the abortion agenda, a multi-billion dollar industry profiting off the desperation of women in crisis and the death of their children.
  • God created all people, Jesus died for all people, and God wants his people to live in unity under his truth (John 17:20-23). Christians must expose the lies of racism, in all its forms and wherever it is found.

(Aside: I am not Catholic. But there is no Christian group on the planet that has stood for truth against the abortion and homosexual/transgender agendas like the Catholic church has. And they have paid a high price for it. The media hates them more than any other Christian group. To the degree our society still has a godly influence, it’s largely because we’re living in the plume of righteousness the Catholic church has stood for.)

It’s hard to stand for truth when people don’t want to hear it. They get mad and respond in anger, hatred, and ungodliness. What’s a Christian to do? That brings us to point #2.

(2) Learning to Love

Yes, we must stand for truth and oppose sinful behavior. But as Christians, we grow up in the mature body of Christ when we speak the truth in love. If we forget the “in love” part, we are still acting as infants, immature in our spirituality.

Our message against sin to the world can’t be, “Don’t sin because God hates sinners!” Unfortunately, some Christians scream this at the top of their lungs. And it’s just not true. God doesn’t hate sinners, he died for them out of love (Romans 5:8). God hates sin, because it’s self-destructive and it hurts the people he loves.

Our message of truth must be from a heart of compassion, not legalism. That’s why God so often gives people ministries to sinful lifestyles they’ve been set free from: (1), you have authority over what you’ve been set free from, but also, (2), you understand. Because you’ve been there and you’ve lived it.

But I believe we can still empathize with the heart-woundings of people, to a greater degree than we do now at least, even if we haven’t experienced it, by understanding and doing these three things:

  1. Realize you don’t get it. If you haven’t experienced it, there is a degree to which you will never completely understand, because you don’t know how it feels. Acknowledge there’s something you’re missing, and you don’t know everything.
  2. Ask the Holy Spirit for his heart, his empathy and compassion. Sympathy, just feeling sorry for someone, is worthless, because it’s degrading of the other person, putting them below you. Empathy, understanding how they feel, is everything. That’s where true, godly, compassion comes from.
  3. Read their stories. Find a book from someone who’s either come through it or who works with people in recovery and healing. For example, if you “just don’t understand how someone can get an abortion” (which we hear all the time in churches), then read Forbidden Grief by Dr. Theresa Burke (not an affiliate link).

Your Turn

What do you think? How have you learned to speak truth? How have you learned to love? Have you swung to one side or the other? How did you find balance?

Or are you struggling with this? If so, kudos to you! It’s by continuing to struggle with these things that we move closer and closer to being like Jesus.

Please tell us your story and thoughts in the comments. And please share if this post would bless others.

How to Make It Through to a New Season

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One of the biggest lies we constantly believe is our current situation is forever. It’s not. It’s a season. Whatever you’re struggling with, you don’t have to endure it forever. Unless you choose to. Here’s an example.

For those of you who don’t live in the Washington DC area, Interstate 95 is a giant parking lot where everyone idles their vehicles for an hour or two going to and from work. It’s probably the single largest cause of stress in this region. According to US News and World Report, DC has the second worst traffic in the country, after LA. Not having to commute is a huge win.

I vowed to myself early in my career that I’d never commute. I was successful until 2012, when the small company I worked for got bought out and shut down. I had to take what I could get, which meant a job with a big company 40 miles away, up I-95. Translation: Hour and a half in the morning, two hours or more in the afternoon.

After a year, I started taking a vanpool which cut it down to 40 minutes one-way because the van took the HOT lanes (reversible toll lanes in the middle of the interstate by-passing the traffic parked in the non-toll lanes).

But that meant getting up at 3:30 AM to catch the commuter van. I’d get 5 or 6 hours sleep and prop myself up on artificial stimulants (coffee) at work. Then I’d catch-up on my sleep on the weekends as much as I could. Not a healthy lifestyle.

Every couple years, I’d pop my resume out on the Internet and see if I could find anything where I didn’t have to commute. I noticed new construction and drive around getting names and addresses of companies in my industry with local offices. I’d get on their websites and apply for positions that were great matches. And each time, I’d just hear crickets. It wasn’t God’s timing.

One day, an external thought just popped into my head about how much I’m paying to commute. I’ve walked with the Lord long enough to recognize the Holy Spirit, so I put my resume out there again. And this time, I was flooded with responses. I was able to find a small company with a site 20 minutes from my house. Finally!

Why now? I don’t know. That was just God’s timing. Time for that season to end, and a new, healthier season to begin. The funny thing is, I was able to land my new position largely because of a new technology I’d learned over the last year with that other company. It’s like God had me there for a reason. Go figure.

The point is, whatever most of us are going through, it’s not permanent. It’s temporary. It’s a season.

But wait a minute, Dave! What about someone with an autistic child or quadriplegic loved one they care for? That’s pretty permanent! Yes, unless God intervenes, that’s permanent. But even in that, there will be seasons. There will be seasons where it’s unbearably hard, and other seasons where there’s an abundance of grace for it. No matter what your struggle, God will meet you there in the middle of it, in the person of Jesus.

And even with something life long, remember life itself is just a season. We Christians take a much longer view. If you drew an infinite line to represent the eternity of your existence, then the first inch is your life here on this planet. The Bible says we get eternal rewards for what we temporarily suffer through in this life. That’s so not fair! God has so stacked the deck in our favor!

So how do we do this?

There’s one major difference between those who make it through and those who don’t. Those who don’t make it do this one thing that those who make it don’t do. Avoid this one thing, and you’ll make it through. What is it? Drum roll please… the one thing that people who don’t make it do is…

Quit.

That’s why they didn’t make it. So how do you not quit? Here’s 3 major ways to not quit.

1) Intimacy with Jesus

Whatever your struggle, he wants to walk it with you. Daily intimacy with Jesus, our lover-king, gives us the strength and the wit and the wisdom and the humor to make it through today.  Which brings us to point 2:

2) Just Do Today

Today itself is a season. You will never have enough strength to make it for the whole season all at once. And that’s why it can get so discouraging. We look at the enormity of what we’re going through, and we think, “I don’t have the strength for all of this!” But we do; just not all at once.

We don’t need the strength to make it through the whole thing today, at this moment. Today, we just need the strength to make through today. That’s how it works. Through intimacy with him, God gives us the strength for that day. And when we look back, we’ll be amazed that we did make it through that whole thing, one day at a time.

3) Find Support

Find people (yes, they’re out there) who’ll support you. They can’t fix it, but they can be there with you in it. Lone Ranger Christians aren’t Biblical. God created us to be in community. We desperately need each other.

Churches are great places to get support. So are therapists (everyone needs help once in a while, there’s no shame in that.) Maybe healthy family members or friends. You can even google support groups for people going through what you’re going through. And if you can’t find anyone, email us. Janet and I will support you.

So what do you think?

Do you have support? What season are you in? Have you had a season you thought was forever and then ended up being really short? Have tough seasons let you help others through tough seasons? Tell us your thoughts in the comments, and please share on social media if this would help someone else.

2 Opposite Signals of Danger and What to Do

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The most obvious signal of danger is fear. I wrote about the 3 types of fear here. A lot of fear is unhealthy and keeps us bound up by the enemy. But there is a good type of fear.

Fear Means “Move Back”

When the threat is real, healthy fear is a God-given emotion that warns us of danger. God designed a special part of our brains, called the amygdala, for this very reason. Among other emotional responses, our amygdala triggers our fear response to danger.

A hot stove. Fire. Deep water. A rattlesnake. Legitimate danger causes fear which backs us away from the danger. It’s a pre-programmed response from God to keep us safe. There are legitimate things, and unfortunately people, to be afraid of and avoid. This is actually godly wisdom.

“The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and pay the penalty.”
Proverbs 22:3 and 27:12

Whenever God’s book of wisdom, Proverbs, says something twice, I pay attention. It’s godly wisdom to move back from a legitimate danger.

So, practically speaking, what are some dangers we should move back from?

Self-destructive and sinful behavior, obviously. Drugs. Sex outside of marriage. Driving 100 mph. Alcoholism.

Sometimes just declaring a boundary for yourself, I call them personal life-rules, is a great way of moving back. For example, alcoholism runs in my family. Janet and I enjoy a glass of wine with dinner, or I’ll have a beer after working outside on a hot, sunny day. But I have a personal life-rule that I never drink when I’m sad. I don’t even go there. And that decision keeps me safe from falling into alcoholism, which I recognize as a generational vulnerability.

Ok, what else? Irresponsible behavior. If you have a job, the thought of not showing up for work for a week and not telling anyone probably brings up fear. That would be a dumb thing to do. You might not have a job when you again decide to grace them with your presence.

And truly dangerous stuff. Like driving 50 mph on ice. Slowing down is a great way to move back from the danger.

Ok then, if fear means “move back,” should God’s people always be on the run? This world is really scary. Should we be constantly running and hiding from crisis to crisis, hopeless victims in desperate search of safety?

No, of course not. That’s why God gave us anger.

Anger Means “Move Forward”

Healthy anger is also a God-given emotion that signals danger. But, unlike fear, the godly response to anger is to move forward, toward the danger.

How dare that rattlesnake come into my yard and threaten my family! Give me that hoe!

Anger moves us forward. It drives us to address the source, to deal with the issue. God made anger to be such a powerful emotion so that, in the right circumstances, it can override our fear and move us forward. Godly anger drives us forward to bring the Kingdom of God solution into a situation that desperately needs it.

Anger is a godly response to an injustice.

Anger goes wrong when we either (1) misjudge what’s really an injustice, or (2) have an ungodly response.

So what should we be angry about? Whatever God has given us the resources, ability, and calling to change for the better. (Often, the resources and ability come after we step out in our calling.)

Social justice issues, obviously. Godly, Kingdom-of-God solutions come from the church. They emphasize godly principles like personal responsibility balanced with grace and helpful, loving community. (Aside: Beware of politicians who just whip up your anger only to get your vote over issues they have no intention of solving; that would take away their power base. Some politicians in political parties in America do this.)

Protecting the innocent within our power to protect and rescue. Harm in our family, and to our family. Abuse.

Godly anger moves us forward to do something and get involved. We can’t just let it ride.

Fear and Anger Can Work Together

Often, fear and anger can work together. This is God’s design. It doesn’t have to be an either/or. In the Kingdom, it’s a both/and.

When something scary happens, our fear initially moves us back, out of harm’s way. But then, when we’ve had a moment to think and get over the initial shock, our anger moves us forward to deal with the problem.

Your Turn

Does this resonate? When has fear moved you back and anger driven you forward? Tell us your story in the comments. And please share this post if it will bless others.

FYI, I learned this concept from Emily P. Freeman on her podcast, “The Next Right Thing.” It is an excellent, practical view of life from a Christian perspective. She usually has short episodes (<15 minutes). I highly recommend it.

How to Keep from Making the Same Mistakes

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Many of us are familiar with Bill Murray’s comedy movie Groundhog Day, where he keeps reliving the same day, day after day. Sometimes we live our lives like that, where we keep making the same mistake over and over again. Why do we do that?

Often, it’s because we think we’re the problem. If I can fix myself, if I can just try harder… That gives us a false sense of control. But the truth is, often, we’re not the problem at all.

Doh! Who Left the Secure Room Unlocked? Again?!?

In a previous job as a government contractor, we had a secure room in our building, a lab dedicated to a certain customer. It had its own spin-dial combination lock on the door so only people working on that program could enter.

We had several incidents where the secure room was left unlocked overnight. Typically, an early guy unlocked the room in the morning, and a late guy locked it up at night. But if, for example, the late guy had a doctor’s appointment so he was out early that day, and the early guy didn’t know it, nobody locked the room. The early guy expected the late guy to lock it but the late guy was already gone.

This is a big deal. When a secure room doesn’t get locked, you have to report the security violation to the customer. Enough security violations over a short enough time interval, and they cancel your secure room, your contract, and your business with that customer. The place could shut down and we all lose our jobs.

When this happened yet again, the office manager sent out an email about the importance of locking the secure room and how we all had to try harder and do better.

I told him that wouldn’t work. We were all conscientious professionals, and we were already trying as hard as we could. We couldn’t “try harder.”

The people weren’t the problem. We all understood the importance and what was at stake. Everyone wanted the room locked each night. It wasn’t the people that weren’t working. It was the system, the procedure, that wasn’t working. We needed to do something different.

So we laminated a colored 3” x 5” card as the “door tag,” and put it on a chain you could hang around your neck. It hung outside the door at night, signifying the room was locked. When you unlocked it in the morning, you hung the tag around your neck. That tag signified the open room was your responsibility. No one was going to accidentally go home with the 3” x 5” tag around their neck.

When you left for the day, you either had to find someone else to accept the tag (and hence responsibility for locking the room), or you locked the room and hung the tag outside the door.

So when an early guy who unlocked the room that morning was going home, he’d find a late guy to pass the tag off to. If he couldn’t find a late guy, he’d lock the room.

We never had another problem with the room being left unlocked. It was a very simple solution. But it was different. And it worked.

Trying Harder Doesn’t Work

More willpower doesn’t work. Trying harder doesn’t work. When we double down on our willpower, determined to just white-knuckle it and try harder, we’re saying, “If I just do what didn’t work hard enough, it’ll work this time.” No, it won’t. Because trying hard enough is not the problem.

“If I just do what didn’t work hard enough, it’ll work this time.”
No, it won’t.

Like in the example above with the secure room, we were already trying as hard as we could. We needed to do something different. And if you are going around the track again, you need to do something different too.

Losing a Body Part

Jesus talked about making changes and doing things differently. In the Sermon on the Mount, he put it rather graphically like this:

“If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body go into hell.” – Jesus, Matthew 5:29-30

Jesus was speaking figuratively. He didn’t really want a bunch of one-eyed disciples named “Lefty.” He’s talking about removing yourself from situations that lead to the mistakes we keep making. He was talking about doing something differently.

For example, if you’re an alcoholic, don’t go to the bar after work with the guys. If your “no” is not strong enough yet to take on the peer pressure at 5:00 PM when everyone’s leaving, then work 7:00 AM to 3:00 PM.

“But I’ve got to reach them for Jesus!” Not at the bar, if it’s causing you to stumble. It’s someone else’s job, who doesn’t struggle with alcoholism, to reach them in the bar. You get coffee before work and lunch in the cafeteria.

How to Do Something Different

Here are 3 ways you can make a positive change toward doing things differently.

(1) Design your environment to support the behavior you want. For many of us, the environment we live in fights against the behavior we’re trying to install or the goals we’re trying to achieve.

It’s hard to, for example, lose weight when there’s a half-gallon of ice cream in the fridge calling your name. It’s much easier to not eat the ice cream if it’s not there. Yes, I realize I’m over-simplifying this issue. But you get the point.

It’s much easier for me to go to the gym in the morning when I’ve set out my gym clothes the night before. Then, when I wake up and I’m groggy, my environment is reminding me of my goal and helping me achieve it.

(2) Get help. A trained outsider can really help with this. There is no shame in seeing a therapist or a counselor or a life coach. We all need help sometimes. An outsider, someone outside your regular circle, will see the dysfunction your circle takes for granted. I highly recommend counseling. And, BTW, it’s normal to go through several counselors/therapists/life coaches until you find the one that works for you.

In the weight loss example above, along with not having ice cream in the house, what about if we dig into the pain that the over-eating is medicating? Be willing to deal with the root, not just the bad fruit.

(3) Treat everything like an experiment. Try different changes to your routines. You don’t have to commit to a change forever. Put a timeframe on it. “I’m going to try this for two weeks.” And then re-evaluate. See what works. Keep what does, dump what doesn’t. Chew the meat, spit out the bones.

Often we don’t try new things because we’re afraid of the shame if we fail. That’s a self-limiting mindset that needs to be reframed. Think of it as just an experiment. There’s no shame if an experiment doesn’t work out. We learned something, and we’ll try something else.

Your Turn

Is this helpful? What are you going to try differently? What have you changed in your life by doing something different? Tell us in the comments, and please share this post if it would bless others.

How to Not Deconstruct Your Christianity

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Over the last several years, there’s been a rash of high-profile people leaving Christianity. Worship leaders. Pastors. Famous Christian authors. Christian influencers, bloggers, leaving the faith to embrace the deceptions of this world. And a whole bunch of us “regular” people. “Deconstructing your Christianity” is now a thing.

So what’s going on? This is nothing new.

This Has Happened Before

Israel had a special relationship with God. They didn’t have monarchies like the countries around them; they had a theocracy, a government led by God through his priests.

There were issues. The sons of Samuel were corrupt and took bribes (1 Samuel 8:3). But rather than going to the Lord for how to fix this problem, the people had a better idea. They deconstructed their unique governmental relationship with God and asked for a king.

They Wanted a King, Not a Relationship

They wanted to live like the world around them. They had the trappings of relationship with God (the government), but didn’t have actual intimacy with God. So when there were problems, they threw out the whole thing.

They asked for a king, rejecting God to be like the world around them.

You can keep a king happy by just checking the boxes. Build the palace. Pay your taxes. Get the vaccine. Sounds great on paper, but in reality, there’s always one more box to check.

So How’d That Work Out?

There’s a great table of all the kings of Israel and Judah here. There were 42 kings total (counting both Israel and Judah), from Saul to Zedekiah (king at the Babylonian exile). Exactly 21 kings, 50%, died of natural causes. Of the remaining 21 kings with unnatural deaths, 13 were assassinated by their own people. In total, that’s 13 out of 42 kings assassinated by the Hebrews themselves, or 31%.

So how’d that whole “king thing” work out if the people themselves killed 1 out of 3 of their own kings? Not so good. Didn’t really solve the original problem of corruption, did it?

History Is Repeating Itself

People are doing the same thing today, rejecting God to be like the world around them. Only it won’t solve the problem.

Christianity, or at least it’s corporate manifestation on Earth, the Church, has issues. So unhappy, burned out Christians look at the world and want that. Deconstructing their Christianity, they abandon the faith they once served.

And that’s the problem. They served the faith, the Church, or whatever they thought Christianity was. Not Jesus.

I know that’s harsh, but it’s Biblical. John agrees with me. Talking about those who have left the faith, John says:

“They went out from us, but they did not really belong to us. For if they had belonged to us, they would have remained with us; but their going showed that none of them belonged to us.” (1 John 2:19)

They had the trappings of Christianity, but they never had Jesus.

How could anyone, who knows the Jesus I know, ever leave him? But then again, Satan did. It boggles my mind.

Maybe, in a not-so-obvious way, it’s actually the Holy Spirit moving in their lives. Maybe all the false performance and pride and empires and doing-all-the-things-all-the-time has to be torn down before God can show them what real Christianity is. Maybe the false foundation needs to be removed before the real foundation, relationship with Jesus, can be established.

Jesus Didn’t Come to Re-Establish God as King

That’s never been in question. Why would he waste time establishing something that already is? God the creator, the Hebrew God Almighty, the Lord Jehovah – that God – his kingship is already in place. Always has been, always will be. Any being with any spiritual insight, discernment, or visibility into the spiritual realm knows this. It’s only deceived humans who don’t.

Jesus came to re-establish something that was broken – relationship with us.

But do we want it? Or, like the Israelites, when Christianity has issues, because it’s filled with people like you and me, do we decide it’s better to live like the world?

Many have made that choice and turned from their faith. Here’s how not to.

How to Not Deconstruct Your Christianity

Jesus first. Jesus last. It’s all about Jesus. More specifically, it’s all about relationship with Jesus. Personally, actually knowing him. Spending time alone with him. Intimate time with Jesus.

Yes, if we know Jesus, we won’t live for ourselves. We’ll feed the hungry. Help the poor. Share our blessings. Speak truth in love. Stand up for righteousness. We’ll love his people and fellowship with them at church. But if we do those good things without knowing Jesus, eventually we burn out.

Relationship Is Fragile

Relationships require maintenance and a constant infusion of energy by us. Our relationship with God is no exception.

When a relationship is taken for granted, the two people drift apart because neither is exerting energy into the relationship. How many times have you heard divorced people say, “Nothing bad happened; we just drifted apart.” I’ve heard that lots.

Don’t let that happen to your relationship with Jesus. Exert energy into it. Not out of performance, or to manipulate a good life out of God. But because you actually like hanging out with the guy. No agenda – you just truly enjoy his presence. He enjoys yours.

If this feels weird – talking all familiar-like about God, like he’s a relatable person – then God is calling you into a deeper level of intimacy with him than you’ve known before. Ask God to show you that deeper level of intimacy with him. Keep asking until he does.

This post is not a commercial, but I would be remiss if I didn’t let you know we do teach this – hearing God, for real, in your life. You can learn more about our class on this subject here.

Your Turn

Does this resonate? Do you know someone who “deconstructed” their Christianity? What energy do you put into your relationship with Jesus? What energy does he? Or does he seem distant, and you don’t think a real intimate relationship with him is even possible? Tell us your thoughts in the comments. And please share this post if it would bless others.

Use These 3 Guidelines to Speak Up for What’s Right

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Speaking up for what’s right is important. As God’s people, if we don’t speak up for what’s right, we leave the world in a moral vacuum that our enemy is all too happy to fill with deception. Much of the societal decay in the world around us has risen to unprecedented levels because God’s people have been asleep and silent for far too long.

“Silence does not interpret itself.” – Father Pavone, Priests for Life

But it’s not enough to speak up for what’s right. We have to do it the right way. We’ve all heard about “speaking the truth in love” (Ephesians 4:15), but how do we actually do that? Here are 3 guidelines for speaking up for what’s right so we make a difference.

1) Respect

Everyone has the right to choose what they believe, even if we disagree. Everyone owns the consequences of their beliefs, whether they acknowledge it or not. We can tell someone their choices are leading to bad consequences, but we still need to respect their right to choose what they believe. God does this. God respects our choice but expects us to own the consequences (Deuteronomy 30:15-20).

So respect people’s right to disagree. Respect people’s right to be wrong, no matter how much that frustrates us. When speaking to others, whether it’s in-person or on FaceBook, do so with respect:

  • Don’t call them names.
  • Don’t insult them.
  • Don’t respond in kind.
  • Don’t copy the other person’s bad behavior.
  • Check your own spirit for self-righteousness.

The opposite of respect is offense. There is a major spirit of offense over our country right now. Some call it a political spirit. It’s obviously spiritual warfare because when we get offended, we too often go out of our minds, acting and speaking like no loving Jesus-follower should. But, in our minds, offense justifies all of our bad behavior.

No, it really doesn’t. We need to remember to whom we belong, and act like Him and not the pagans.

But Jesus made a whip and called the Pharisees a brood of vipers! Yes, he did (John 2:13-17, Matthew 12:34, Matthew 23:33). But that was a last resort. He didn’t start there. Jesus did many other things as a testimony to the Pharisees first:

  • Sending the cleansed leper to the priests to make the sacrifices Moses commanded (Matthew 8:1-4).
  • Paying his and Peter’s temple tax (Matthew 17:24-27).
  • Healing the man born blind (John 9).
  • Raising Lazarus from the dead (John 11).

I love the story of Jesus’ paying the temple tax for himself and Peter in Matthew 17:24-27. While Jesus makes it clear he doesn’t have to pay the tax, he pays it for himself and for Peter, and says in verse 27, “… so that we may not offend them…” Jesus picked his battles. So should we.

So yes, Jesus called them a brood of vipers. But he also paid the temple tax to not offend them. There is a time for every activity under heaven (Ecclesiastes 3), to offend and not to offend, and the Holy Spirit knows the difference. My counsel is to let the content of our words be the offensive thing, not the way we say them.

2) Uncompromising Truth

We’re not speaking up for what’s right if we’re not speaking the truth. My heart breaks when I think about entire Christian denominations that have compromised with the world in condoning abortion, homosexuality, and transgenderism. Janet & I pray often for God to open their eyes and send them a spirit of repentance. While sincerely wanting to love people, they are doing so much damage.

People engage in these behaviors because of pain in their lives. God wants to heal that pain. But when we compromise with the world by not calling sinful behaviors the sin that they are, we slam the door of God’s healing in people’s faces. You don’t need healing if nothing’s wrong, do you?

3) Not Being Controlled by the Fear of the Other’s Reaction

When we know we’re saying something the other person doesn’t want to hear, it’s perfectly normal to fear their reaction. There’s nothing wrong with being afraid. The problem comes when we let that fear control us. It’s amazing how much of our actions, and reactions, are actually governed by fear, although we generally don’t realize it.

Many times I’ve been screamed at by dysfunctional family members, “You said that because you knew it would upset me!” Yes, I did know it would upset them, and believe me, I fear someone being upset with me. (I die a thousand deaths before a confrontation!) But that’s not why I said it. I said it because it needed to be said. It was an issue between us that needed to be addressed. And I won’t be bullied out of addressing it any longer.

Here are two litmus tests to discover that we are being controlled by fear.

(1) Silence. When something’s wrong and we don’t speak up, we’re being controlled by fear. We’re afraid of offending the other person. Or of their anger. Or of damaging the relationship. Frankly, if the relationship is in a state where telling the truth will damage it, it needs to be “damaged,” because it’s not healthy the way it is.

Remember Father Pavone’s quote at the top of this post: “Silence does not interpret itself.” Whatever issues we are silent about, we condone.

Confrontation is a godly skill that can be learned through practice. I highly recommend the book “Keep Your Love On” by Danny Silk (Amazon affiliate link) for more on this topic.

(2) Control. When we try to control the other person’s reaction, we’re being controlled by fear. Here are some common behaviors designed to control the other person’s reaction. Do you recognize any of these?

  • Shaming them for disagreeing.
  • Bullying them into agreement.
  • Waiting to talk rather than listening.
  • Monopolizing the conversation.
  • Trying to win the argument instead of connecting to their heart.

As Jesus-followers, fear has no place in our lives. Or shouldn’t. Our entire Christian walk boils down to replacing fear-based behaviors with faith-based behaviors. Faith trusts the other person to God and does not let fear of their reaction control us.

Your Turn

So how about you? Is this helpful? How have people spoken into your life that’s made a difference? Did they follow these guidelines? Tell us your story in the comments, and please share this post to bless others.

2 Simple Words to Defeat the Bullies

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No one likes to be bullied. Yet in our modern, sophisticated world, our enemy’s primary method of controlling the people of God is bullying. The church has been bullied into compliance for far too long. The good news is, whether it’s a personal bully or a societal one, like an unrighteous government, there are two, simple, one syllable words that defeat a bully. “Yes” and “no.”

“Yes, I’m going to do this because God’s calling me to it, come what may.”

“No, I’m not going to do that because it’s wicked, come what may.”

A Litmus Test to Know You’re Being Bullied

These two words draw a line in the sand. Bullies hate that. Bullies try to force you into the world of “maybe.”

“Ok, maybe I can do that…”

“Ok, maybe we’ll wait a little longer before doing that…”

If a bully can force you into a “maybe” when you really want to say “yes” or “no,” they’ve won. They are controlling you. And that’s the litmus test to know that you’re being bullied: If your mouth says “maybe” while your spirit is screaming “yes” or “no,” then you are being bullied.

Stand up to them and say the “yes” or “no” your spirit longs to say, come what may. This is what bravery and courage looks like in our first world culture.

“Yes” and “No” Made the Sermon on the Mount

This concept made the Sermon on the Mount. Recorded in Matthew chapters 5, 6 , and 7, this was early in Jesus’ ministry, before strong opposition forced him to speak more and more in parables. In the Sermon on the Mount, although it still has parables for illustration, Jesus teaches about the Kingdom of God very plainly. He said this about saying “yes” and “no.”

“All you need to say is simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything beyond this comes from the evil one.” – Jesus, Matthew 5:37

Now, to be fair, Jesus was talking here about always telling the truth and not needing to take an oath to be believed. But there’s a principle here. Say “yes.” Say “no.” And stand behind your answer, come what may.

In the Fiery Furnace

We all know the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego (or Rack, Shack & Benny if you’re into Veggie Tales) and the fiery furnace in Daniel 3.

King Nebuchadnezzar set up a massive golden image, and demanded everyone worship it when the music played. Penalty for non-compliance was being burned alive in a furnace.

Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego refused and were narked on by their jealous colleagues. Being the reasonable man he was, King Nebuchadnezzar assumed it was all a misunderstanding and gave them another chance to show their compliance. I love their answer, recorded in Daniel 3:16-18.

“King Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the fiery furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand. But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.” – Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego (Daniel 3:16-18)

I love that. “Our God can save us, but even if he doesn’t, we want you to know we’re not worshiping your idol.” Translation: They said “no.”

The Bully King blew a gasket. Bullies hate a solid “yes” or “no.” It takes away all their power.

And because of their solid “no,” come what may, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, along with King Nebuchadnezzar, experienced one of the greatest saves by God recorded in the entire Bible. Their uncompromising “no” was the catalyst for the mighty move of God in their lives.

When we compromise our “yes” or our “no” because we’re afraid of the bully in front of us, we compromise God’s ability to work in our lives. What mighty move of God is not happening in your life right now because of a compromised “yes” or “no”?

Bullying Outdoor Diners

In the summer of 2020, a disturbing video came out showing a large crowd of protestors surrounding and shouting at outdoor diners at a restaurant in downtown Washington, DC. The protestors wanted the diners to make a gesture of solidarity with their cause.

All the diners complied, except two. One couple silently refused. They kept their eyes locked on each other, being each other’s anchor of strength in what must have been an ocean of fear. They didn’t say a word as the protestors got in their face, screaming at them to make the gesture.

The spiritual warfare going on became obvious when a lead protestor started shouting at them, “Why won’t you do it? Are you Christians? Is that why you won’t do it?” I thought, wow. I think that protestor realized true Christians, once they decide to stand, cannot be bullied, and it would only make the protestors look worse to continue trying. So the crowd moved on.

Governments Bullying Churches

Worshipping Jesus without government interference should be a no-brainer.

Yes, nobody wants to get coronavirus. Social distancing, not passing collection plates, individual communion elements, wearing masks in common areas are all good ideas. Covid-19 is a real thing, and we all want to be safe.

But nobody tells us we can’t gather together and worship our God, even if we have to do it in our cars or virtually. Especially while the same government allows liquor stores and abortion centers to remain open. Especially while these same governors are photographed at their social events without masks or social distancing.

There may come a time when Christian practice is outlawed for “public safety.” This has been done before.

Nero burned down Rome, blamed the Christians, and persecuted them as domestic terrorists. If the media said in-person church services were responsible for spreading a deadly virus, whether it was true or not, would many communities have mobs burning down churches “for the public safety”?

We could be closer to that nightmare scenario than many of us realize. In that event, are we prepared to still tell the government, “yes,” we will continue to worship our God? If that time comes, we’ll have a lot to learn from our brothers and sisters in China.

Your Turn

How have you stood up to bullies? Did it involve saying “yes” or “no” and sticking with it? Tell us your story in the comments, and please share this post to encourage others.

Why Good Friends Don’t Accept You Just the Way You Are

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What do you want in your friends? What makes a good friend? Many people would answer, “A good friend accepts you just the way you are.”

I beg to differ. That’s not a friend.

Both your local waiter and the cashier at your gas station accept you just the way you are. Because they don’t care about you. As long as you leave a good tip or pay for your gas with a good attitude, they’re fine with you. They really don’t care if you’re hurting yourself. A good friend does.

A good friend receives you just the way you are, not accepts you just the way you are.

A good friend receives you just the way you are. But they won’t accept your self-destructive behaviors, and they don’t want you to accept theirs.

We Don’t Accept Self-Destructive Behavior in People We Love

The world has this very confused. The world says, “love is love,” meaning any sexual relationship is acceptable if the people involved love each other. But that’s simply not true. Far too many churches, some whole denominations, have compromised on this point to gain the favor and acceptance of the world.

The world’s definition of “love” is not saying boo to anybody about what they do or how they live. But that’s not love. That’s indifference. Indifference (not hatred) is the opposite of love.

There are forces in the culture trying to bully us into accepting sexually immoral lifestyles as normal in the name of love. They do so, not because they love the people involved, but so that they get votes and cling to power. Once firmly entrenched in power, they will enslave the very people who voted for them.

Faithful are the wounds of a friend; but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful. (Proverbs 27:6)

Love is shouting, “Stop! You’re hurting yourself! Don’t do that!” Not out of legalism or religion, but out of an identification with the deep harm and pain the person is causing themselves.

The world hates Christians for this. Christians should be passionate for sexual integrity and purity – sex reserved for one man and one woman inside a marriage relationship.

Think about it – most of the lawlessness we see in our society today comes from fatherlessness, which is a direct result of sexual immorality.

To truly love people the way Jesus did, we need to be willing to tell them their lifestyle is self-destructive. Now please hear me. I’m not saying beat anybody over the head with your 97-pound Scofield Reference Bible. We need to be wise, which usually means being gentle, but sometimes not. But being wise always means being led by the Holy Spirit, communicating in a way the other person can understand. Whether they receive it or not is on them.

Good Wisdom from a Lousy Movie

Remember the movie Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull with Harrison Ford, Karen Allen, and Shia LeBeouf? Indiana Jones (played by Harrison Ford, of course) runs into his ex from Raiders of the Lost Ark, Marion Ravenwood (played by Karen Allen). She’s remarried and has a son (played by Shia LeBeouf).

Indiana talks to the boy who’s complaining about the rigorous education his mother tried to force on him, and how his dropping out of school has strained their relationship. Indiana Jones assures the boy school’s really no big deal. When Indiana sees Marion, he tells her to lighten up on the boy. After all, school’s not for everyone.

Marion tells Indiana the boy is actually his son. After he picks his jaw up off the floor, the first thing out of Indiana’s mouth is, “Why didn’t you make him stay in school?!?”

While a humorous scene in a silly movie, it illustrates a deeper point. When the boy was somebody else’s kid, Indiana Jones couldn’t care less about him, and just wanted him to be comfortable and happy. Primarily because that made life easier for Indiana Jones. Who wants to deal with somebody else’s problems?

But as soon as the young man was his son, well, suddenly, that’s different. Now he cares about what’s ultimately best for the boy, not just what brings happiness at this moment.

Good Parents Don’t Accept Just Anything

I have heard so many of my fellow parents say, “I just want my daughter (or son) to be happy).” I’m not a violent man, but when people say that, I just want to smack them.

“Don’t you love your child?” I want to scream at them. “Why on earth would you just want your child to be happy?”

There are so many more important things for your child to be than happy. What about maturity? What about loving God? What about self-sufficient? What about giving? What about being a person of character? None of those things are built into a person’s life by happiness, but by hard work, sacrifice, and choosing delayed gratification.

Honestly, if you just want your child to be happy, let him live with you in your basement playing video games until you die. We all know those people, and we pity them. Their parents have crippled their children for life.

Not Accepting and Controlling Are 2 Different Things

Not accepting self-destructive behavior doesn’t mean trying to control or manipulate the person into making good choices. It is their life and they have to live it and be responsible for it. Not accepting self-destructive behavior does not mean that we don’t honor their right to choose.

We need to let our children live their own adventure.

Not accepting self-destructive behavior means we speak up. For God’s sake, speak up! From a place of relationship, not legalism, we speak up. Put as many disclaimers on it as you want to soften the blow, but speak up. Tell your friend, or your family member if you have the relationship to do so, that they are harming themselves, or about to.

That’s your responsibility as a good friend, or a parent, or family. What they do with it is up to them. So we speak up, but we still honor their right to choose.

It’s Not about the Behavior. It’s about the Wounding.

Remember also that the real issue with self-destructive behavior, whether it’s addictions or sexual immorality, isn’t the behavior itself. It’s the hidden wounding causing the behavior. That’s what we need to get to. Get the person’s wounding healed, and the behavior will take care of itself.

That’s why so many people who quit smoking gain weight. The addiction just pops up somewhere else because the underlying wound was never dealt with.

That’s why legalizing same-sex marriage and normalizing transgender is so destructive in our society. These people are deeply wounded, to the extent that even their sexual attraction and gender identity are confused.

But our society puts a band-aid on their bleeding emotional artery and says, “No, you’re fine! No problem here.” And so we deny them the healing Jesus wants to give them. That is not love.

We need to love people enough to tell them the truth. In love, with all the disclaimers you want, but still the truth. With a spoonful of sugar maybe, but not watered down. Are you willing?

Your Turn

Has someone spoken into your life something that you initially resented, but later respected and appreciated them for? Or maybe you’ve taken the risk to share something the other person really needed to hear that you knew may not be well received? Tell us your story in the comments. And please share this post if it would bless others.