Why You’re Not Broken

When we’ve been deeply hurt, and we see the patterns caused by that hurt reoccurring again and again in our lives, we often write a script for ourselves. That script is called, “Broken.” It’s a label we put on ourselves. Or worse, maybe it’s a label people we love and trust have put on us. Maybe even the church has put on us.

But it explains why we never get better. It’s just something we learn to live with. And it’s a complete lie.

You’re Not Broken – You’re Wounded

Brokenness is a state-of-being. “Oh, well, I guess that’s just the way I am.” But the truth is, you’re not broken. You’re wounded. And wounding can be healed. Wounding is meant to be a temporary condition, not a life sentence.

Wounding means there’s a part of your life, a part of your heart, that Jesus wants to heal. And that’s good news! Because it means healing exists and is available.

Shame is the Red Flag of Woundedness

We think we feel shame because of what we’re ashamed of. Well, duh, that’s an obvious, logical statement. But it’s not true. That’s not it. That thing in our past, or that habitual sin we can’t break, or whatever it is we’re ashamed of, that’s not why we feel shame.

The very counter-intuitive truth about shame is this. We feel shame because we’re wounded. That’s what wounding does. It makes you feel shame.

And shame screams the lie, “I’m broken!”

So, believing that lie, what’s the safest thing to do? Hide it. Make sure no one ever finds out. We live in fear, even in terror, of anyone ever finding out.

So how do we make sure no one ever finds out? Control. We’ve got to control the situation, the narrative, the environment, and everyone else so no one ever finds out.

We didn’t set out to be a toxic, controlling person. But Shame slammed us into that corner, with the lie of brokenness.

The Shame-Fear-Control Triad

In our inner healing work, Janet and I see the Shame-Fear-Control stronghold all the time. It’s extremely common in our culture. In fact, whenever we see two of these three, we look for the third one, and it’s almost always there.

These three together are a nasty cycle of lies and toxicity. They work together like this:

I’m so ashamed of The Thing. I am so flawed, bad, and unworthy of love. What have I done to myself? What have I become? I’m abhorred by myself. This is the brokenness I have to live with.
I live in fear of anyone ever finding out. Because if they see my ugly, shattered brokenness, they rightfully won’t want anything to do with me. Who would? I don’t want anything to do with me, but I’m stuck with me. They aren’t; they can leave me. And they will, of course they will, if they ever find out the truth about me.
So I’ve got to control the situation. Stay in control of the narrative. It’s the only safety I know, the only way to keep my fatal brokenness hidden.
Oh, snap, I didn’t mean to do that! I didn’t mean to hurt that person I love that way. I’m so ashamed of my toxic, controlling behavior. Why do I keep acting this way?
Go to Step 1. Rinse and repeat. Around the track we go. Again.

The Good News

The good news is shame is a flipping liar. You aren’t broken. You’re wounded.

“Brokenness” is a permanent condition. But wounding can be healed.

The good news is Jesus. Not just head-knowledge of Jesus, although that’s really good news. Not just memorizing Bible verses, although God’s word is life-giving and can play a huge role in protecting and healing our heart. But the best news is experiencing Jesus. You. For real. Yes, it’s possible.

Not just knowing Jesus, the way we in Europe and in the Americas understand “knowing.” As influenced as our culture is by Greek thought, we think left-brain, analytical, logical, systematic head-knowledge is everything. Don’t get me wrong – that’s all good, but it’s not everything.

After a native African pastor returned from his first trip to America, he described his time with American Christians like this: “They’re a lovely people, they love well, but they are a people with no questions.” Ouch. But too often true. We think we have it all figured out. Have we lost the mystery and wonder of the power of an infinite God whose love is so transforming he can heal our woundedness?

Healing doesn’t happen through left-brain, analytical activities, as wonderful as those are. Trauma and wounding lodges in the right-brain, our experiential brain, and in our body. Healing happens through experiencing safety. Healing happens by experiencing a secure attachment to Jesus.

Because experiencing Jesus changes everything.

Your Turn

Does this resonate? Are you willing to dump the lie of “I’m broken,” and instead go on a journey with Jesus to heal your wounding? What has this looked like in your life? Tell us your story in the comments.

Do You Want Help?

Are you stuck in the shame-fear-control cycle? Reach out to Dave and Janet here for an inner healing session. We use a method called The Immanuel Approach, a facilitated safe, gentle way to experience a connection with Jesus, get unstuck, and receive the healing he has for you.