How to Tell the Difference between 3 Types of Emotional Pain We Feel

Pain is something we don’t understand very well, especially here in the West. We avoid it, medicate, and ignore it, none of which actually fixes it. But pain is important. It’s telling us something’s wrong that we need to address.

Pain is like the idiot light on your dashboard. What if the oil light comes on in my car, and I say, “I can fix that. I’ll just cover it with a piece of electrical tape. Problem solved!” And I can pat myself on the back for my cleverness. A one penny piece of electrical tape is way cheaper than a $30 oil change (or $100 if you’re using synthetic oil!) Aren’t I clever? For a moment.

This is so ridiculous you’re probably laughing, “Until the engine blows up, dude! Then it’s not so clever anymore. That $30-$100 oil change is way cheaper than the $2500 (at least!) engine repairs you’re in for.” And you’re right. But we do this all the time with our pain.

Our problem is we treat pain like the problem. Just like the oil light on my dashboard isn’t the problem, our pain is not the problem. The pain is trying to tell us something. The thing causing the pain is the problem. And that’s what we need to deal with. The pain is just the fruit. We need to deal with the root cause.

Here’s an everyday example we’re all familiar with of dealing with the bad fruit and not the root causes. My parent’s generation took all sorts of medicine as they got older. People still do today. Blood pressure medicine, cholesterol medicine, heart medicine, arthritis medicine, etc, are all very common. Some people had/have so many medicines they can’t remember them all. They have a pill box with a compartment for each day of the week. Have you seen those? The pharmacist just fills them up with what they’re supposed to take that day.

But we’re learning now that many of these issues can often be corrected through changes in diet. Yes, medicines still have their place, but people going gluten-free, dairy-free, GMO-free, etc., are experiencing a lot less need for all these medicines. They are dealing with the root issue, and the fruit (their health) is taking care of itself.

Ready to learn how to do this with the pain in our lives? Let’s explore three types of emotional pain, and how to go to the root of each.

1) Pain from Wounding

In a certain season of my life, I was feeling a lot of emotional pain that I just couldn’t shake. I cried out to the Holy Spirit, “Why am I hurting so badly? What’s wrong with me!”

He answered quickly, “There’s nothing wrong with you. You’re wounded.” Being wounded from someone else’s actions really hurts. Their sin against us is not our fault. It’s not fair, but we often get to experience the repercussions and the pain of other people’s actions. There’s no such thing as a victimless crime. There’s no such thing as private sin that doesn’t hurt others.

While the sin against us isn’t our fault or our responsibility, our sinful response to it is. So often we respond by making false judgments about the world, others, ourselves, and God. These are bitter root expectations. Our agreement with them gives them power over our lives and they become self-fulfilling prophecies.

“People will always reject me.”
“God doesn’t love me.”
“No one’s going to protect me.”

Then we make inner vows to protect our heart, instead of crying out to God for his healing.

“I’ll reject them before they reject me.”
“I’ll always be good so people love me.”
“I’ll take care of myself.”

We get healing from wounds from others with three steps:

Repenting of our judgments and inner vows.
Replacing them with God’s truth.
Grieving the loss.

We’ve got lots of posts on inner vows. (Just type “inner vows” into the site’s search field up above.) So I want to talk here a little bit about grieving the loss.

The original wound was a loss in our lives that we need to grieve. Maybe a loss of innocence. Maybe a loss of trust. Maybe those who should’ve protected us didn’t. Maybe it was a brutal welcome into a cruel world, designed to short-circuit our true identity God created us to walk in.

There are five phases of grief:

Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

They can go in any order, and they can repeat. But we need to work through these. Find a trusted friend, pastor, counselor, mentor, parent, spouse—someone you trust—and start grieving what you’ve lost. Be honest about it. Start by naming the loss—articulate it. Then start working through the five phases.

2) Pain from Our Own Stuff

It could be sin, or it could just be a mistake. Mistakes aren’t sin. If I clumsily fall down the stairs, that’s just a mistake and it’s not a sin. But I’ll still have pain from it, at least some bruises, if not a broken bone of two.

We don’t need the world’s help to hurt ourselves. We’re perfectly capable of doing it on our own, thank you very much. Living a sinful lifestyle is a great example. Janet and I see this all the time in the crisis pregnancy center where we volunteer. People want relief from the pain in their lives, but they want to continue the behavior that’s causing the pain. It just doesn’t work that way.

If you want relief from your headache, stop banging your head on the brick wall. Trying to find a better helmet so you can keep head-banging won’t help. You need to stop the behavior that’s causing the pain. “Don’t judge me!” Translation: “I know you’re right, but I don’t want to hear it.” Hey, I’m just saying.

Similarly, if we want to eliminate the bad fruit in our lives, we have to eliminate the root that’s causing it. Often that root is our own sin.

Here are some lifestyles that will cause you tremendous pain in your life, whether you believe it or not:

Sleeping with someone you’re not married to
Addictions (drugs, alcohol, pain killers, etc)
Workaholism
Raging at God and his people
Narcissism
Trying to earn love through performance

Healing comes when we admit our sin is actually sin and repent of it. Repenting doesn’t mean feeling sorry for it, or sorry for getting caught. It means “to turn around.” It’s like we’re walking East, we do a U-turn, and now we’re walking west. We stop doing that thing.

We were designed to be in community. If this is you, find someone you trust, and get help breaking out of this self-destructive cycle. Usually people can’t do it alone. There’s nothing wrong with you.

3) Hurting for Others

You can be hurting for others without being wounded by them. I’m talking here about a godly sorrow, a pain we feel on behalf of someone else. Maybe they’re causing havoc in their own lives with self-destructive behavior they don’t want to give up. Maybe they’re suffering from wounding caused by others against them. Maybe both. Maybe one is the root of the other.

Although it hurts, this is a good kind of pain. We are feeling a tiny sliver of God’s heart for them. This is a powerful place to be. This is the time to pray.

Often, when we feel anger, sadness, or other strong emotion at a person or a situation, it’s God calling us to pray for that person or situation. And I mean really pray. Like, for an hour or more. I’m not talking about a half-hearted, half-thinking, “Lord, bless Sally Smotch,” four words and then we go about our business. I’m talking about serious pressing in with intercession. Intercession enters into the Holy of Holies on behalf of someone else, crying God’s heart back to him.

It’s not about performance. It’s not about manipulating God into begrudgingly doing something. “Ok, I prayed for an hour. God owes me now.” No. But there’s something about sacrificial prayer, sacrificing our time, some other activity we’d otherwise be doing, for the sake of someone else that moves the heart of God.

And seeing your prayers answered in the person’s life makes it all worth it. It’s amazing. As intercessors, we live from testimony to testimony.

How about you?

Hurting from wounding, from the logical consequences of our own sin, and hurting for others are three different things. Which have you experienced? Have you transitioned through these 3 types of pain? Where are you in the process? Have you benefited from an intercessor praying for you? How have you seen your prayers for others answered?