Healthy Relationships Need Conflict

For a long time, I thought one of the beatitudes was, “Blessed are the peace keepers…” But that’s not what Jesus said. He said, “Blessed are the peacemakers…” There’s a huge difference between keeping the peace and making peace. I can speak to this because I made this mistake for decades in my own life.

“Blessed are the peacemakers for they will be called children of God.” (Matthew 5:9)

Keeping the peace comes from misunderstanding Jesus when he talks about dying to yourself, denying yourself, and taking up your cross to follow him. He’s talking about dying to your selfishness, to putting yourself first, to making yourself more important than everybody else.

“Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me.” (Matthew 16:24)

I used to think Jesus meant I had to make whatever sacrifice was required to keep everyone else happy. I thought their happiness was my responsibility. Peace at any price. But that’s not what Jesus meant at all.

Jesus is not talking about erasing yourself. He’s not talking about dishonoring the image of God you were created to reflect, by pretending that you’re less than everyone else. You are not less than. Your voice matters just as much.

Healthy Relationships Need Conflict

“What does a healthy relationship look like?” If we made a list of the qualities we want in a healthy relationship, we’d say trustworthiness, dependability, sacrifice, kindness, etc. Yes, all those are good things. None of us would even think to put conflict on that list. But healthy conflict is on the list.

That’s how the Kingdom of God measures healthy relationships. Are we free to have a healthy conflict? And still love each other in the middle of that?

2 Truths Held in Tension

There’s a lot of seemingly opposing truths in the Bible that create tension because they are both true. But in that tension, they hold each in balance. One truth is, “Love covers over a multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8). You don’t have to have conflict about everything. You don’t have to bring everything up.

But if you’ve tried to let it go and it won’t go away, then you need to have a hard conversation. That’s why the other truth is, “Iron sharpens iron” (Proverbs 27:17). It’s healthy to have hard conversations where iron sharpens iron.

The goal of godly conflict is different from the goal of worldly conflict.The world approaches conflict with one goal: “To get you to admit I’m right!” And your goal is to get me to admit you’re right. So we have this tug-of-war where somebody’s going to win and somebody’s going to lose.

And honestly, we’re even happy if we lose as long as the other person loses too. As long as it’s a lose-lose, that’s ok, because we stay even. Neither of us budge. You didn’t get ahead of me! But what a lousy way to live! So many marriages, friendships, and families have died on that hill.

But that’s not the purpose of conflict in the Kingdom of God. In the Kingdom of God, conflict is to protect connection.

So suppose there’s something wrong in the relationship. It’s damaging the connection. You’ve tried to let it go, but you can’t. It keeps eating at you. If letting it go would be to pretend something’s not wrong when it is… To pretend something doesn’t hurt when it does… If letting it go would be to make yourself small, disappear, and erase yourself… Then you need to have a hard conversation.

It’s not ok to avoid a hard conversation, when not addressing the issue is dishonoring the image of God you were created to reflect.

In healthy Kingdom of God relationships, we’re free to go to our brothers and sisters and say, “I love you, but our connection is threatened here. Something is harming our connection. And I value my connection with you. So will you work through this with me?”

So we both approach the conversation, not to win, but to understand. Do I understand your point-of-view well enough that I could argue it for you?

That doesn’t mean I agree with you. And I certainly don’t have to fake agreement to broker a false peace. That’s peace keeping.

Being heard means the other person understands and respects where you’re coming from, even if they don’t agree. And vice versa.

Peace making is living the nuance that I can understand & respect your point-of-view without necessarily agreeing with you. And in that place, I can require, if our relationship is to go forward, that you understand my point-of-view. Not necessarily agree. But understand.

What do you do at an impasse?

Ok, so we honestly understand each other. We respect each other’s point-of-view. What do we do if we’re still at an impasse? Go get somebody you both trust, and ask them for help. Somebody who can be objective, who does not “have a dog in the fight,” somebody you both trust.

That person is not going to make the decision for either of you. Or force you to do anything. But hopefully they can ask good questions that bring perspective neither of you have thought about before.

That’s godly. That’s family. That’s how we love each other and vote for different political parties. There are families in the world that are shattered because of something stupid like that. Our world is polarized because winning is more important than connection.

Reflecting the Wisdom of Heaven

The church is called to reflect the wisdom and the values of Heaven to the world, where connection is more important than winning. That doesn’t mean you ignore yourself, that doesn’t mean you erase yourself for the sake of connection. You fight for the dignity of who God made you to be.

But in that place, we honor connection, and we honor the dignity of the other person. And in that mutual dignity and respect for each other, we work through godly conflict to restore our connection. So we don’t have to pretend. So our relationship can be real.

“Conflict is the price for intimacy.” – Pastor Luke Taylor, Selah Church, Fredericksburg, VA

God lovingly calls us to go through that fire, because he sees the gold on the other side. If you’ve ever worked through a difficult situation with a friend or a spouse or whatever, you’ve come out on the other side with a much stronger bond. That’s what the Holy Spirit’s after, that’s the gold he’s willing to risk conflict for. And so should we.

More Important to God Than Worship

This is a controversial statement, but it’s true: Engaging in healthy conflict is more important to God than worship. What?!? Look at what Jesus says in the Sermon on the Mount:

“If you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.” (Matthew 5:23-24)

Jesus is saying, “If you’ve got a problem with someone, don’t come worship me with that. Go work it out with them first.”

That’s the cornerstone of covenant community. That’s what will make the church irresistible to the world. And it’s a great way to live.

Your Turn

Does this resonate? Have you come out on the other side of conflict with a stronger relationship? Tell us your story in the comments.

Do You Want Help?

Have you been erasing yourself and staying small to avoid conflict? Reach out to Dave and Janet for an inner healing session. We use a combination of Biblical truth and brain science to facilitate a safe, gentle way to experience a two-way connection with Jesus, get unstuck, and receive the healing he has for you.