Why You Are Not Defined by Your Actions

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Our neighborhood’s polling place is the local elementary school. When I voted in the last election, I saw a huge banner hanging in the school cafeteria that read, “You Are Defined by Your Actions.” Nothing could be further from the truth.

I get it. The school is trying to instill good behavior. That’s a good, worthy, and noble goal. The banner basically asks the children, “Who do you want to be?” Act like the person you want to be. Sounds great on paper. Many of you are probably thinking, “What’s the problem with that?” I don’t blame you. This is really subtle.

The problem is this. It’s control, not identity. “You Are Defined by Your Actions” implies “We are judging you by your actions. Your value comes from the good things you do. You are only as acceptable as your behavior.” The Kingdom of God has a one-word response to this prettily packaged attempt at worldly control: Not!

Tenth Avenue North has, IMHO, one of the most powerful songs ever written. It’s called You Are More. Here’s the chorus:

            You are more than the choices that you’ve made.

            You are more than the sum of your past mistakes.

            You are more than the problems you create.

            You’ve been remade.

The Kingdom of God is about identity, not control.

“Who do you want to be?” is the wrong question. “Who did God create you to be?” is the right question.

That’s why we can’t really redefine our race or our gender, no matter how hard we try. This is very politically incorrect, but you can’t change your gender. Even if you mutilate yourself with the best surgical techniques modern medical science has to offer, you still have the same XY or XX chromosomes you were born with. Nothing’s really changed. You just look different.

It’s not about acting like the person we want to be. That’s just being posers. Pretenders. It’s not about getting into a role, so we externally play the part. We’re not looking for an Academy Award here.

It’s about acting like the person we are. We are sons and daughters of the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. We need to learn what that means and how to act like it. (I recently wrote a post about 4 ways to live as royalty.)

The problem is, either we’ve forgotten who we really are, or we never knew. I love that scene in Lion King where, in the midst of a storm, Simba has a vision of his father, Mufasa, reminding him of who he is:

Mufasa: You have forgotten me, Simba.

Simba: No, father, I could never forget you!

Mufasa: You have forgotten who you are, so you have forgotten me. Remember who you are!

Our enemies’ plan is to get us so wounded that we never learn who we really are. Because they’re terrified of who we really are. When we know our true identity and walk in it, claiming it as our own, the kingdom of darkness falls. We can tear down, in moments, strongholds that took multiple demons generations to build. Sucks to be them.

Jesus said, “I’ll build my Church and the gates of hell will not prevail against it.” (Matthew 16:18) The kingdom of darkness doesn’t want their gates kicked in. Bummer. Then they shouldn’t have built them around people that Jesus died to redeem. Bad move. Kicking down their gates and claiming territory for Jesus is our charter mission. I love it.

So the world’s message, like that banner in the school cafeteria, is “You are only as acceptable as your behavior.” But God says, “While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.” (Romans 5:8) We were accepted and loved by God before we did anything good, not after.

So we desire to live a life that honors God, not to be who we want to be, or to earn our way to Heaven, or to be acceptable to God. We desire to live a life that honors God because it’s who we are, it’s who he made us to be. Because we’re already living out of that place called Heaven. Because we’re already accepted.

I’m not saying our actions aren’t important. They are. When aligned with our God-given identity, they are how we walk out who we are. In that case, they are our legacy. But when our actions aren’t aligned with who God says we are, then they are just signs that we’re confused and hurting. Then they are evidence we still have wounding Jesus wants to heal, which will always be the case in this life.

We’re learning who we are. 

How about you? Do you know who you are? Learn how to discover the wonder of who you really are in a fun and engaging story. Download Dave’s free eBook The Runt: A Fable of Giant Inner Healing. And tell us your story in the comments. What are you learning about who you really are? And please share this post if it would bless someone else.

How to Be Honest without Being Mean

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Can we be honest without being mean? Our churches have taught us to be “good” people. To be nice. To be kind. And that’s good – kindness is a fruit of the spirit, after all (Galatians 5:22-23). The problem is, with too many churches, it stops right there. Be nice. Be affirming. Don’t rock the boat.

We’ve all been taught in church how to be nice. But we’ve not been taught how to be honest.

We’ve been taught how to be Nice. But we’ve not been taught how to be Honest.

No one wants to hurt someone’s feelings. No one wants to have a difficult and possibly painful conversation. No one wants to be the one to address someone else’s blind spot. But sometimes that’s the greatest gift we can give.

There’s a right way and a wrong way to be honest with people. It’s not enough to be honest. We need to be honest the right way if the truth we bring is going to be effective.

Here are 3 essential steps to being honest without being mean. If you follow these steps, they‘ll go a long way to making the honest truth you have to share effective, and bring life to the other person.

1) Have A Relationship

Truth has to be given in the context of relationship.

You can only bring Truth to the level you have Relationship.

The Kingdom way is love first, truth second. That’s why Jesus could tell the woman caught in adultery, “Neither do I condemn you. Go and sin no more.” (John 8:11)

There are a couple common ways we get this wrong.

“Truth First” is the bane of social media. A troll’s nasty comment, no matter how true, never changed anyone’s life. There’s no relationship there. The troll posting the comment has completely forgotten there’s a person on the other end of that screen. Their goal is to be right, to win, not to connect. And it’s a complete waste of everyone’s time.

“Love Only” is a lie of the enemy, and is epidemic in our culture. It is actually unloving not to be honest with someone about negative things they need to hear.

People won’t receive what you have to say unless you are stewarding their heart well. If you don’t have their trust, they won’t receive your truth.

2) Ask Permission

What would you think if someone asked you, “Can I give you the gift of telling you what no one else will? This gift may be hurtful, but it is rare. It will benefit if you take advantage of it.”

How would you respond? My first thought is, It depends on who’s asking. See point #1 above.

Honor their choices – to Listen (or not) and to Act (or not).

Don’t just barge in, guns a-blazing, and tell the person, “I need to talk to you!” Their defenses instantly go up, and it’s going to be hard to get anywhere. Ask “Can we talk?” Then honor their choice.

3) Come Around to Their Side of the Table

Healthy communication isn’t about winning, it’s about connection. Something in their behavior is interfering with your relationship, the connection between the two of you.

Truth is best served as an Affirmation Sandwich.

If you start the conversation with the negative thing you need to say, you’re setting up the conversation like a debate, an argument with a big conference table in the middle. In this unhealthy setup, each person’s goal is to get the other to say, “I’m sorry, you’re right.” And each person knows if they say that, they lose.

The other person is probably expecting this kind of verbal competition. Their defenses are up. There’s tension in the room. But you can reframe the whole conversation by metaphorically “coming around to their side of the conference table.”

There are several ways you can do this. Thank them for something. Compliment them. Honor them. No matter what’s going on, they are a wounded person, not the devil incarnate. Find something good you can honestly compliment or thank them for, even if it’s just how nice they look today.

If the behavior you’re addressing is egregious, if you’re having trouble coming up with anything positive, ask the Holy Spirit beforehand. God is totally into healthy, honest, communication. Ask the Holy Spirit to bring to your mind right now something positive about this person you can say to break the tension.

Then repeat it after you’re done before leaving. Start and end with some kind of honest affirmation of the other person. This is showing them that you really are on their side, you’re not just trying to get one up on them. It shows them you really do care about them, you’re trying to steward their heart well, not just trying to win.

Template for Honest Communication

So what do you actually say? Put what you’re saying in this form:

“When you do this (or when this happens), I feel like _____, and I need to feel like _____. Can you please do this instead?”

Some examples:

  • “When you called out my mistake in front of everyone in the staff meeting, I felt embarrassed, and I need to feel respected. Can you please come to me in private if I’ve made a mistake?”
  • “When you drive that fast around these curves, I feel scared and I need to feel safe. Can you please slow down?”
  • “When you invite someone over for dinner without asking me first, I feel stressed, panicky, and discounted. I need to feel like my schedule and constraints matter. Can you please ask me first?”
  • “When you buy something over $200 on a whim, I feel like a second-class citizen who now has to scramble to make ends meet. I need to feel like my priorities matter to you. Can we please make financial decisions like that together?”

If you can use this model (thank you Danny Silk), it will go a long way toward removing the argumentative component of the conversation. No one can argue with how you feel.

This is a non-threatening way to present a problem in your relationship. You’re not trying to control the other person’s behavior. You’re inviting them into a deeper connection with you by modifying something in their behavior that is damaging your connection.

Then they have a choice. They can change their behavior or not. And, if not, you have a choice. Are you going to accept their behavior, ask again, or do something differently that mitigates the negative consequence to you?

Or it might lead to a discussion. Maybe they say, “No, I’m sorry, I can’t do that, but I can do this.” And maybe that’s something you hadn’t thought of. Maybe the two of you reach a reasonable compromise that protects both of your hearts and preserves your connection.

That’s the stuff healthy, strong relationships walk through.

Your Turn

Do you avoid conflict? Do you think this post is helpful? Have you learned to be honest without being mean? Tell us your story and your thoughts in the comments. And please share this post if it would bless others.

How to Engage Emotionally Triggered People without Getting Skewered

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With the overturn of Roe v. Wade, our culture is in an emotionally volatile season right now. It can be scary, difficult, and even dangerous to jump into the conversation. But we must. We have the life-giving truth that sets people free. God has called us to such a time as this (Esther 4:14). We have the truth the culture is so desperate for, even as they are openly hostile toward it.

“Silence does not interpret itself.” – Father Frank Pavone, Priests for Life

So many people are being triggered right now. There’s a lot of anger, vitriol, and animosity out there. How can a Christian bring God’s truth to such an emotionally volatile environment without getting skewered? Is it even possible to engage emotionally triggered people in a way that’s actually helpful, instead of just pouring more gasoline on the fire?

Yes it is. But there are 5 important things we need to know in order to bring God’s truth in the middle of this chaos.

1) How the Brain Works

We need to understand the brain science behind where the other person is right now. Here is a 90-second video of a simple hand-brain model that explains it.

Their rational brain is off-line. While they are in their emotional brain, you can’t make a logical argument right now because their logic center isn’t online to hear it. So save your breath. Don’t take the bait and get sucked into an unproductive argument.

Instead, we need to slow them down so their prefrontal cortex (the logical thinking part of the brain) can come back online. Do the next 2 things. When you get good at them, they are invaluable in pivoting a hostile argument into a respectful conversation.

2) Let Them Win by Finding Common Ground

What?!? Let them win?!? Are you crazy?!? They’re wrong!!! Here’s the deal. Most people, especially when emotionally spun-up, are in the argument to win it. All of their energy and focus is directed into getting you to say they’re right.

So say it. Find some common ground you can agree on, without lying. Compliment them on it, no matter how irrelevant or off-topic it seems. Here are some examples.

  • I agree everyone should have control over their own body.
  • Yeah, it’s unsettling when an issue that’s been settled for 50 years gets stirred up again, isn’t it?
  • I understand how you could feel that way.
  • I really respect your passion for this issue. I wish everyone cared about it as much as you do.

Now, instead of an opponent to be conquered in the battleground of an argument, you’ve become a partner in a conversation.

It’s hard to keep fighting when you’ve won. Your emotional brain chalks up a victory, and your rational brain slowly comes back online. So give them a victory. Find some common ground you can honestly agree with and compliment them for.

3) Ask Questions, Don’t Make Statements

To slow the other person down, ask questions, don’t make statements.

Statements, however kind and well thought out, just feed the emotional swirl, like throwing gasoline on the fire. But asking questions makes them stop, pause, and think. They need their rational brain to answer a question. So by asking questions, you’re inviting their rational brain to come back online.

Here are some examples:

  • Is it an injustice to withhold from others privileges that we’ve been given?
  • Do we owe others the privilege of being born?
  • Is it justice to punish the innocent for the guilty?
  • Would it be social justice to help women who want to keep their babies financially by giving them equipment, diapers, formula, parenting resources, and rent money?
  • Is it an injustice for a woman to be coerced into an abortion she doesn’t want?

Asking questions gets them out of combat mode and into co-operative mode, so you can have a conversation instead of an argument.

Learning to ask the right questions is the key. Don’t just fire off something by rote. Listen to them and ask the Holy Spirit for the right question that will slow them down.

4) Frame It as a Justice Issue

My baby-boomer generation, in many ways, is given over to seeking happiness, materialism, and pleasure. I can’t tell you how often I’ve heard my peers say, “I just want my children to be happy.” I want to smack them! Too many boomers sacrifice truth and righteousness for comfort and ease.

Today’s younger generation does not have that failing. God has put justice deep in their hearts. Young people today are a justice generation. By framing your question as a justice issue, you can disrupt the narrative they’ve been taught to parrot and invite them to think about it differently. The questions above are examples of how to do this.

Frame your point as a question about a justice issue.

I understand “framing something a certain way” can sound manipulative, and it can be. It depends if you’re lying or not. You can argue abortion is the largest justice issue of our day. We have to stop killing our children. So truthfully framing a pro-life discussion in this way isn’t manipulative, it’s wisdom.

5) Know Your Job

It’s not our job to win the argument. Our job is to:

  • Slow them down.
  • Invite them to think a thought they haven’t thought before.
  • Give the Holy Spirit space to work.

Then, even if they may not agree up-front, as they ruminate on what you’ve said, the Holy Spirit will speak to their heart.

The world is so desperate for the truth we have. But at the same time, they are very hostile toward it. Understanding these 5 things can help us partner with the Holy Spirit, engaging the culture in a way they can receive, while still protecting our heart.

Your Turn

What do you think? Have you had success bringing someone out of “fight mode” into a respectful conversation? How did you do that? Tell us your story in the comments, and please share this post if it would bless others.

One last thing. Janet and I do post-abortive healing recovery ministry in a safe, judgement-free, no-condemnation environment. If you’re post-abortive, both women and men, God has so much healing, mercy, and forgiveness for you. Please reach out to us at dave@IdentityInWholeness.com or janet@IdentityInWholeness.com.

Wonderfully Disruptive Spiritual Technology

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I have a friend who had a dream. People were standing in lines waiting to go somewhere, or get into something. Many lines, straight and orderly. Very polite, very systematic. But then some people came along who created quite a disturbance by pulling people out of the lines. They were very adamant about convincing people to get out of the lines. It really upset the systematic flow of things, and made many people in the lines very angry.

The people causing the disturbance were Christians. Because at the front of the lines, where everyone in line was waiting to get to, were demons throwing people off a cliff into hell. Some Christians were snatching people out of the demon’s hands as they were throwing them over the cliff. Some Christians were even diving off the cliff after people. The Christians were creating quite a disruption to the nice, neat, orderly system. They broke it.

The Kingdom of God is like that. It’s disruptive. It upsets the apple cart wherever it goes.

Remember when AOL owned the Internet? We’d all sit for 5 minutes waiting to get online, listening to modem tones, and were happy if the program didn’t have to redial. AOL was the best dial-up Internet service provider in the world. They owned it. Nothing could de-throne them. Except a different technology. DSL and then cable came along, and AOL was dead in a few years.

Remember when we all had landline phones in our houses? I grew up with an egg timer next to the house phone, so we could limit long-distance calls to 3 minutes. Then came cell phones. Now most people no longer have landlines, and many young adults don’t know what “long-distance” even means.

How about TV? ABC, NBC, and CBS used to be the kings. Now they’re all paupers vying for crumbs from the tables of Netflix and Apple TV. New technology changes everything.

Look at how Amazon’s revolutionizing the retail markets. They’ve crushed the brick ‘n’ mortar bookstores and other retail markets. Cyber-Monday is majorly eclipsing Black Friday. And now they’re going after supermarkets. Enjoy Giant and Safeway while you can—here comes Amazon Fresh.

None of that is bad. It’s actually hugely better. I, for one, don’t miss modem tones one little bit. I love my iPhone. And I’m looking forward to Amazon Fresh delivering my groceries to my door in a few years with a drone. It’s just what happens naturally when new technology changes everything.

The Kingdom of God is like that. It changes everything wherever it goes. The old spiritual technology is called religion. The new, disruptive spiritual technology is the Kingdom of God. It overturns the religious apple cart wherever it goes. Literally. Jesus actually physically flipped over the religious tables in the temple (see John 2:13-16 and Matthew 21:12-13).

“Sometimes the greatest opponents to what God is doing on the Earth today are the guardians of what God did yesterday.” – Arthur Burk

If you dare to believe Jesus and chase the passion he’s put on your heart, it will change everything. People will think you’re crazy, but you’ll be in God’s immediate family (Matthew 12:46-50). You’ll find yourself in a perfect storm, but Jesus calms the storm (Mark 4:35-39). You’ll get attacked by poisonous snakes, we all know them, but they will have no power over you (Acts 28:3-6). A thousand will fall at your side and ten thousand at your right hand, but it won’t come near you (Psalm 91:7). Quite the adventure!

I am transitioning from a very stable, 30-year career as a successful software engineer to a risky future as an author, blogger, life coach, and online content provider. Am I nuts or what? But I can’t let go of this passion to share with the world the healing God’s given me.

How about you?

How has God disrupted your life? Share it with us in the comments or an email. And if you think this would bless or challenge someone else, please share this post on social media.

3 Ways Healthy Churches Do Life Together

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In this fallen world, the human condition is a paradox of two contradictory, deep primal pulls. One is longing to be fully known, and to know others, in relationally intimacy. The other is being terrified of it. We are terrified of the intimacy we so deeply long for.

That terror usually is there because our vulnerability was violated or brutalized by those who should have loved us well but didn’t, often our family of origin.

A healthy church family loves well. Wounds given in community are healed in community. You need a healthy church family. You need relationships that go beyond “How are you? I’m fine” on Sunday morning.

That’s why we shouldn’t just “go to” a church. We should join a church. Joining signifies a deeper level of commitment to those people.

It’s not written in blood; you can always leave if it gets wonky, unhealthy, or God calls you to leave. All things are for a season, and healthy churches understand that.

But neither are you leaving at the drop of a hat, or at the first thing that offends your delicate sensibilities. You work through it. You have the uncomfortable conversations. You try to work it out.

There is a balance between running from any church that has the audacity to challenge you to grow versus staying at an unhealthy, narcissistic church and just keeping your head-down. We don’t want to get trapped in either of these extremes.

Here are 3 ways that healthy churches love well and do life together.

1) An Abundance Mindset

People who love well are givers. They don’t keep score. They don’t say, “Well, you owe me now, because I helped you.” Their love, help, and acceptance does not come with strings attached.

People committed to doing life together lift each other up, not tear each other down. They have an abundance mindset. No one is afraid of your success, and they even celebrate it. They understand a rising tide raises all boats.

A rising tide raises all boats.

Unhealthy churches have a scarcity mindset. Those people think there’s only so much success, or favor with God, to go around. So if you’re successful, that means less success for them. So they are actually afraid of your success. If you get too successful, or your life reflects too much of God’s favor, they’ll cut you back down to size. There are no giants allowed in a kingdom of dwarves.

You can see this play out in the leadership. Are the leaders in competition with each other? Are they guarded around each other? Or do they protect and affirm each other? Can they be safely vulnerable around each other?

2) Support Not Accountability

Megan Hyatt-Miller (Michael Hyatt’s daughter) tells the story of getting up early to jog with a friend before going to high-school. It was something they mutually decided to do together. On the second day, Megan had to sneak into her friend’s bedroom and wake her up at 5:00 AM to go jogging. You can imagine how long this lasted.

Megan learned it was unhealthy to “hold her friend accountable” to go jogging, when her friend obviously did not really want to. If her friend really wanted to go jogging and got herself up at 5:00 AM, Megan would support her and go jogging with her.

Obviously, I’m not talking about celebrating, supporting or winking at sin or sinful lifestyles. But using accountability and shame to control people’s behavior is sinful also. Such churches eventually just fall into sin management.

You want to do life with people who will support you accomplishing your goals, not try to guilt you into accomplishing theirs.

3) Reminding You of Your Identity, Not Your Shame

You want a church that supports your healing journey, and doesn’t guilt you for admitting your struggles.

There’s a village in Africa where, when a woman is pregnant, she goes into the forest with her friends until they get “the song of the child.” Then they go back and teach it to the village.

The village sings the person’s song at significant events in the person’s life, like their birth, their death, when they kill the leopard, get promoted in the tribe, etc.

But they also sing the song when the person messes up, often in adolescence. This is the village’s discipline. They put the person in the center of the tribe and gather around them, and say, “You’re not acting like yourself. Let us remind you of who you are.” Then the village sings them their song.

That’s a beautiful picture of how the church is supposed to support our true, God-given identity, by reminding us who we are and of how Heaven sees us. That’s a far cry from the common but unhealthy practice of holding someone accountable by holding them hostage through shame.

When you do life together, everyone is allowed to be in process. None of us have arrived. Everyone’s contribution is still valued. Everyone’s calling, both inside and outside the church, is still valued. No one is flippantly disqualified because of what they are going through.

In Summary

Healthy churches are not made up of cookie-cutter people. They don’t try to force you into a mold. They aren’t afraid of people’s differences. They don’t try to force you to be like them. They celebrate you. Those are the people you can do life with.

You’re looking for a group of people in the church that embody the qualities I’ve listed above. You’re looking for a group of safe, godly people you can do life with.

It is our passion (Janet and I) that this site is a safe, godly community, built around encouraging each other to be who God created us to be. So we hope we can be a part of your safe community and share your journey. But you also need people you can do life with face-to-face.

Your Turn

Have you found a safe group of people you can do life with? Or not? Tell us your story in the comments. And please share this post if you think it would bless others.

4 Key Signs of a Healthy Church

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I’ve been asked recently how to find a healthy church. What does that even look like? Are there any? Does such a thing even exist?

Well, I’m happy to report, having found one ourselves and having seen many, yes, they do exist. I’ve also been in unhealthy churches for years, and there are many of those as well. So how do you tell the difference? What do you look for?

2 Caveats: The Problem with the Question

Two caveats before we dive into the 4 key signs of a healthy church.

The problem with the question is that it makes it sound binary. It makes it sound like every church’s “Healthy” checkbox is either checked or unchecked. But it doesn’t work that way.

Churches are on a journey of sanctification just like the people within them are. Healthier churches embrace that journey; less healthy churches think they’ve arrived.

The second caveat is that not every church is for every person. That’s true even of very healthy churches. And that is a very offensive concept to our American “one size fits all” mentality.

Having said all that, there are some very unhealthy churches out there, and some very healthy ones. My prayer for you is that this post helps you find the “healthy” church God is calling you to do life with.

Here are 4 key signs of a healthy church.

1) Healthy Churches Are Biblically Sound

I’m taking for granted we’re talking about solid, biblical, Bible-believing, Holy Spirit led churches. Churches that are in bed with the culture, literally, should be avoided at all costs. These are churches that support the current wave of hip, self-destructive sin that the culture is celebrating, including sex outside of marriage, abortion, same-sex marriage, transgender transition, etc. Transgender “affirming” churches are not biblically sound.

In John 8, Jesus said to the woman caught in adultery, “Neither do I condemn you; go and leave your life of sin.” Jesus perfectly modeled loving the person while rejecting the sin.

A healthy church won’t hate anybody, but won’t wink at sin that is destroying people Jesus loves. Jesus died to set people free; how dare we wink at the sin that keeps them bound.

Healthy churches are sold out for Jesus and aren’t bullied into silence by the culture.

2) Healthy Churches Build the Kingdom, Not Their Own Empire

If you hang around a church for a while, you can tell whether the leadership is building their own empire or the Kingdom of God.

A couple years ago, a ministry in our area was having a weekend retreat. Because of somebody’s clerical error, they lost their venue for the last day, and only found out that morning. Doh!

Our pastor let them have their final service that night at our church, on very short notice. It was a completely different denomination. Our pastor did not expect to get any tangible benefit out of it whatsoever. But he has a Kingdom heart, and it showed that night.

3) Healthy Churches Have a Good Attitude when Someone Leaves

You can learn a lot about how healthy a church is by watching how people are treated when they leave.

Are people guilted into staying? Are former members now viewed as outsiders? Are people openly blessed out the front door, or are they quietly shoved out the backdoor?

A healthy church knows everyone is there for a season, and is not threatened or offended when someone leaves. They release and launch people into the next season of their lives with blessing.

4) Healthy Churches are Trauma Friendly

For those of us recovering and healing from trauma, it’s important to be in a safe place with safe people.

Safe people in a healthy church will NOT:

  • Blame you for the abuse you suffered. See “Why We Blame Trauma Survivors.”
  • Accuse you of not having faith because you’re struggling.
  • Shame you for admitting you’re struggling or having a hard time.
  • Quote scripture at you because they don’t know what else to say.
  • Pretend to have all the answers.

Safe people in a healthy church WILL:

  • Validate your pain. See “How to Validate Someone’s Pain.”
  • Support your counseling and/or medication.
  • Stand with you while you have a blue day.
  • Be there for you.
  • Listen more than they talk.

A church is not a trauma center, and pastors are not trauma counselors. So they may not completely understand. But a healthy church will support and encourage you on your healing journey, not shame you for being on it.

One Final Note…

Not everyone in a healthy church is healthy. Most churches will have people across the whole spectrum of healthiness. Find the safe people.

Hopefully at least the leadership is healthy. They can’t lead people into a greater degree of health or holiness or intimacy with Jesus than they walk in themselves. If the leadership is not safe or healthy, then definitely find another church.

You’re looking for a group of safe people in the church that embody the qualities I’ve listed above. You’re looking for a group of safe, godly people you can do life with.

Your Turn

Does this resonate? Have you found a healthy church? Have you suffered abuse in an unhealthy church? Share your story with us in the comments, and please share this post if it would bless others.

The 3 Most Powerful Tools for Freedom & Healing

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One of the biggest disagreements in Christendom is over counseling versus inner healing versus deliverance. And within that sentence lies the whole problem: Saying the word “versus.” It’s not “either/or.” It’s “both/and.”

In our scarcity mindset and fear of doing it wrong, we so often make a controversy on earth where there isn’t one in Heaven.

As broken humans, we need all the tools in the toolbox. If your only tool is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. You can put a screw or a bolt in with a hammer. It’s just not going to work very well, and the end structure will be damaged. It works a lot better when you use the right tool for the right job.

So what’s the best tool for healing our brokenness? What’s the best tool for recovering from trauma or neglect? Is it counseling, inner healing, or deliverance? And the answer is a big resounding … Yes! All of the above. Quite frankly, most of us need some combination of all 3.

There’s a lot of confusion and bad information out there. So here’s a description of the 3 most powerful tools for recovering from our brokenness, whether it’s sin against us (like trauma or neglect), or our own mess.

1) Counseling

There is a tragic stigma in the world, and often even more in the church, against getting counseling. This should not be. When we “de-spiritualize” or stigmatize counseling, we slam the door of God’s healing in people’s faces. I know none of us want that.

Counselors are brilliant at giving us the tools we should’ve learned growing up but didn’t.

There is nothing unchristian or unspiritual about getting counseling.

In fact, getting counseling doesn’t even mean you’re unhealthy. Quite honestly, often the unhealthy person is the one who refuses to get counseling. So what’s a healthy person to do? Get counseling themselves! But I don’t need counseling! I’m the healthy one! Exactly. Go get the tools you need to deal with that unhealthy person.

Yes, your counselor should be a Christian. Non-Christian counselors are often sold-out to the spirit of the age, and the APA is pushing some really damaging, demonic agendas (for example, pro-choice and transgender). Even counselors who are Christians can be under these or other deceptions. But being a solid, Kingdom-minded Christian is not enough.

Pastoral counseling is great, but many pastors, quite frankly, have been schooled in theology and not in professional counseling. Sometimes you need a professional, especially if you’re dealing with trauma (what we call Type “B” trauma, a Bad thing happened) or neglect (Type “A” trauma, the Absence of the necessary good thing).

It’s totally ok and expected to try out a few counselors before you find the right match for you. If you have to go through half a dozen counselors (or more) before finding the right one, that’s perfectly normal and ok. It can take a year or so. Don’t give up; keep looking.

Here are some good resources for finding good Christian counseling.

2) Inner Healing

Although sins against us are not our fault, our sinful response to them is. Often, this happens in early childhood, or even in utero.

Our sinful responses can be bitter root judgements like “emotions are bad” or “I’m dirty.” Judgements lead to bitter root expectations like “people will always reject me.” (That was one of mine.) So to protect our own heart from that expectation (instead of trusting God), we make inner vows like “I will never trust anyone” or “I will always be the good guy.”

Although they can sound godly (what’s wrong with being the good guy?), they set us up for train wrecks later in life. For example, if you’ve vowed to always be the good guy, what happens when you need to have a hard conversation with someone? Say you need to address an issue that needs to be faced, but the other person doesn’t want to hear it. In the other person’s eyes, you risk being the bad guy, and that inner vow can block you from having that healthy but difficult conversation the Holy Spirit is leading you to have.

These judgements, expectations, and vows can be hard to recognize because we’ve grown up with them as implicit assumptions we accept as normal. And they can be hard to articulate because we often made them before we had language.

Please don’t misunderstand. This isn’t about blaming our parents for everything or digging around to find dirt in our past. But if our reaction to a past experience is causing bad fruit in our life today, it’s not in the past at all, is it?

So how do we know these hidden judgements, expectations, and/or inner vows are there? A major clue is having a mile of reaction to an inch of offense. This can indicate an inner vow is in play, and we need to ask the Holy Spirit to reveal it.

Inner healing is the process of breaking and renouncing those inner vows, bitter root expectations, and false judgements we’ve made about ourselves, about God, about the world, about how we deserve to be treated, and replacing them with God’s truth.

With inner healing, you need someone who knows what they’re doing. Here are some great resources:

3) Deliverance

Whether we believe it or not, spiritual warfare with demonic entities is a reality in our fallen world. Although Christians cannot be possessed (a demon cannot force you, against your will, to do something), Christians can be oppressed (influenced by the demonic).

“You cannot counsel a demon. You’ve got to drive that thing out with power and authority.” – Pastor John Fitchner, Liberty Church, Atlanta

This is nothing to get freaked out about. It is absolutely nothing like Hollywood portrays it. We give demons power over us at the point where we believe their lies. Deliverance is the process of breaking those demonic strongholds in our lives. Because so much of it revolves around replacing demonic lies with God’s truth, deliverance and inner healing often go hand-in-hand.

Often, if not always, when we got saved, the kingdom of darkness had inroads into our lives. And while often weakened after we got saved, the demonic presence in our life can remain until we stop believing its lies and order it out of our life.

Think of it this way. Suppose a house has a rat infestation in the basement. Just because the house gets sold and is under new ownership doesn’t remove the rats from the basement. Overt, intentional action is needed to address the issue and clean up the mess.

With deliverance, you really need someone who knows what they’re doing. Here are some great resources:

Our Biggest Mistake

We may get amazing, phenomenal healing through one of these tools. One of the most damaging things we can do to other people is assume that they need what worked for us. Now, maybe they do. But maybe they don’t. God may be doing something different with them.

For example, if I have a wonderful experience with deliverance (which I have), and then go on to flippantly tell anyone with a problem they need deliverance, I could do much more harm than good, especially if it doesn’t work for them.

One size does not fit all.

That is so not the Kingdom of God. Each of us needs a different combination of these things, and what worked for one person may not work for another. That’s ok. It doesn’t mean the person doesn’t have faith. It just means we’re all individuals and God’s doing something different with that person.

Do the Work

One more thing needs to be said. There is no silver bullet that will miraculously solve all your problems and suddenly life’s all rainbows and unicorns. You are not entitled to healing, although God totally wants to bring it. Whatever form it takes, it is a gift of grace from God.

All of these things take your engagement. You can have the best practitioners in the world, but if you don’t engage and do the work, nothing in your life is going to change.

Your Turn

So which do you need? Probably all of them. I know I did. Which have made a difference in your life? Which are you afraid of and hence resistant to? Has this post helped with that? Please tell us your story in the comments and share this post if it would bless others.

What to Do when the Pain Won’t Go Away

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None of us want to admit it, but we all have it. Or have had it at some point. Emotional pain that just won’t go away. Sometimes we think we’ve stuffed it, but then – bam – something seemingly innocent happens and it all comes crashing back.

Daniel was so past his divorce. He’d made his peace with it. Until he went to his nephew’s wedding. Emotions he thought were long gone were really only hiding. They rose up and slammed him out of nowhere. He drank way too much at the reception. And every night after that.

Melanie was over her abortion, or so she thought. No one knew, and she’d moved on. Until her best friend invited her to her baby shower. And it all came crashing back. She went and put on a happy face. No one knew she was dying inside. But she was.

Sometimes we can’t even begin to stuff it, and we just learn to live with it. Or better put, survive with it.

Lisa cannot remember a time when she wasn’t battling depression. She lives in a box, behind a mask, trying desperately to keep the outside world at bay, to stay in control. Where is the joy all the other Christians have? Are they just faking it, too? Or is there something wrong with her? She suspects the latter. She desperately hopes this next relationship will fix it all. Again.

Somehow we learn to cope. Maybe we self-medicate. Maybe we control. Sometimes we put on a face and pretend, hiding the real me. We’ve coped with it for so long we think it’s normal. But it’s not. Although it’s very common, just coping forever is not healthy.

God has something for us so much better than coping. He has a new-normal for us, without the pain. It’s called healing. But how do we embrace it? How do we move into that place?

The short answer is, Be the buffalo not the cow. Dude, what are you even talking about? What do bovines have to do with deep emotional pain? I’m glad you asked.

When there’s a thunderstorm on the plain, buffalo and cattle both panic. Both herds stampede, and you don’t want to be in the way! But there’s a major difference.

Cattle take off running away from the storm as fast as they can. If the storm’s coming from the west, they stampede east. This is the obvious, no-brainer thing to do to avoid the storm. The problem is, they’re running the same direction as the storm’s moving, and the storm always moves faster. So it eventually overtakes them anyway. And since they’re running the direction it’s moving, they actual maximize their time in the storm.

On the other hand, buffalo run straight at the thunderstorm. So if the storm’s coming from the west, they stampede west, right into it. This seems really dumb at first glance, but it’s actually brilliant. Since they’re running the opposite direction the storm is moving, they minimize their time in the storm. And they get rewarded with the yummy, just watered, fresh grass on the other side. Bonus!

Most of us run from our pain, like cattle running from a thunderstorm. But avoidance just maximizes our time in the pain when it catches up with us, and it always does.

John Sanford, founder of Elijah House Ministries said, “We need to embrace the fireball of pain.” Wow. Seriously, dude? Yeah, seriously. We need to go where it hurts, not avoid it.

Ok, you sold me. How do we “embrace the fireball of pain?”

I’m glad you asked. There’s 3 steps to start this process.

1) Start the journey with God.

Be honest. Don’t hide it or pretend it’s not there. Honestly tell God how you feel. It’s ok to hurt. It’s ok to not feel joy. Read the Psalms. Many of them are written from places of extreme pain. They are examples of God meeting people in the middle of extremely painful circumstance, doubt and fear. For a start, look at Psalms 3, 4, 5, 7, 10, 13, 17, 22, 28, 40, 120, and many, many more.

What gets scheduled gets done, so schedule time to pray and meditate each day with God, even if it’s just 10 minutes during a break. Stopping, unplugging, and getting alone with him, even if just for a few minutes, makes a huge difference.

2) Start the journey with someone else.

You don’t need to tell everyone everything. But you need to tell someone everything. So often the pain’s power over us is rooted in shame. Shame protects itself by isolating us. We think we’re the only one. But we’re not. Often, sharing our pain with someone else breaks the shame and that’s 80% of the healing right there.

So often we the church do such a disservice to people by forcing them to either hide their pain or face our rejection. I know someone who, in a vulnerable moment, shared the pain in their life. They were actually told by their Bible study leader at church, “Well, Christians are supposed to be joyful, so if you’re not feeling joy, are you even saved?”

What rubbish! Jesus does not deliver us from pain, he delivers us through it. He never promised we wouldn’t have trouble in this world (in fact just the opposite, see John 16:33). He promised us he’d be there with us in the middle of it. So we should be there for each other.

If your church shames you for having pain in your life, find a different church. There are many churches out there that get this right. Find someone you trust that you can share your journey with, and who is willing to share theirs with you. You’ll find that, no matter how perfect they look, they have pain in their life, too.

3) Recognize the season.

Healing is a season, it doesn’t happen overnight. The season can be weeks, months, years, or even decades.

Sometimes, for whatever reason he alone knows, God doesn’t heal as we expect. I know some very strong Christians, men and women of deep intimacy with the Lord, faith and power, who have battled depression their whole life. It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with them or their faith. It means God is choosing to use that for his glory in their lives (see John 9:3). He is meeting them right there in the middle of it, just like he did the Apostle Paul, who, by the way, God also didn’t heal (see 2 Corinthians 12:7-9). So if this is you, you’re in good company.

I can’t promise God will eventually heal your situation. Often he totally does. But I can promise God is always good, and will meet you in the middle of it.

Personally, a moment of vulnerability here, I still struggle with self-hatred. But I’m getting stronger and it’s a lot weaker than it used to be. I’m learning how to not agree with it and instead agree with what God says about me. Jesus has been my deliverer in the middle of it. And continues to be.

So what about you? Where do you come down in all this? Tell us your story in the comments or shoot us an email. And please share if you think this would bless someone else.

Free Resources:

Do you know God wants to talk directly to you? Do you have trouble hearing him? Find out how to hear God with Dave’s free ebook “Hearing God and What’s Next: 12 Ways to Hear God, 3 Things to Do about It, and 6 Ways to Know You’re Not Crazy.”

Does your heart need healing? Learn the steps to inner healing with Jesus through a fun and engaging fictional story. Download Dave’s free ebook “The Runt: A Fable of Giant Inner Healing.”

How to Speak the Truth in Love

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As Christians, we are Jesus’ hands and feet. Jesus’ mouthpiece. The presentation of Jesus’ heart to the world. The uncompromising truth of God’s holiness walking lockstep with Jesus’ sacrifice and compassion for the world.

The church should be the most compassionate place on earth. And yet, the church has a problem. It’s made up of people like you and me. People who aren’t completely sanctified and holy yet. Out of our incompleteness and inadequacies, do we misrepresent Jesus to the world?

There’s one thing in particular where I think the church needs to grow up and become mature. Understanding people where they’re at. Not justifying or excusing where they’re at (like the media does). But understanding.

We need to understand sin is not the problem. Yes, it creates problems and devastation in our lives. But sin is just the outward, low hanging fruit everyone can see. Mistaking sin as the problem turns Christianity into sin management instead of inner transformation.

Understanding what’s really going on takes insight and discernment. The motivation causing our sin is the real problem – medicating the wounding and believing lies.

All sin is based on lies. Telling the world how bad their sin is just turns them off to Jesus because they see us hypocritically doing the same things. Instead, we should be telling them God’s truth, which contradicts the lies they’ve been taught.

If you’ve ever said, “I just don’t see how someone can _____,” you’ve just identified yourself (in that moment at least) as a pharisee. Doh! I know, that’s harsh. Guilty as charged, I’ve said this. Let’s go back to God and repent.

If we “just don’t see how someone can _____,” it means we don’t understand. Rather than condemning the person, let’s ask God for his heart for them. Because he does understand how they can do that thing. He understands the wounding of their heart. And if we as the church are going to be at all effective in ministering God’s healing to them, we need to understand also.

As Christians, we too often make one of two errors. Either we don’t speak the truth, or we don’t say it with love. The Apostle Paul says it best:

Let’s no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of people in their deceitful scheming. Instead, speaking the truth in love, let’s grow up to become in every respect the mature body Christ. (Ephesians 4:14-15, my paraphrase of the NIV)

If we as the church can learn to do these two things, in balance together, we’ll change the world.

(1) Learning to Speak Truth

Especially now, in this crazed cancel culture we find ourselves engulfed in, the world is acting out its spiritual infancy. Tossed back and forth by the waves of the latest media outrage, the world is blown here and there by the cunning and craftiness of dark forces in their deceitful scheming, who manipulate our emotions to secure their own power.

As Christians, we offer the world the truth of God. We truly are a city shining on a hill, a light in the darkness, shining like the stars in the heavens in a warped and crooked generation (Matthew 5:14, Philippians 2:15).

If we don’t speak the truth, no one will.

We are the ones with the word of life, the truth of God. We need to tell the world the truth they don’t want to hear but desperately need:

  • God created the world. We did not make ourselves. Christians must tell the truth about creation, exposing the lie of evolution.
  • Sex was created by God, for marriage between a man and a woman, as a beautiful thing to model our relationship with him, intimate and solely committed for life. (That’s why there’s no marriage in heaven, see Matthew 22:30, because we have the real thing.) Outside of heterosexual marriage, it’s a completely different picture, which is why it’s wrong. Christians must expose the lie of the sexual revolution, as well as the lies of the homosexual and transgender agendas.
  • All life is sacred. Christians must expose the lie of the abortion agenda, a multi-billion dollar industry profiting off the desperation of women in crisis and the death of their children.
  • God created all people, Jesus died for all people, and God wants his people to live in unity under his truth (John 17:20-23). Christians must expose the lies of racism, in all its forms and wherever it is found.

(Aside: I am not Catholic. But there is no Christian group on the planet that has stood for truth against the abortion and homosexual/transgender agendas like the Catholic church has. And they have paid a high price for it. The media hates them more than any other Christian group. To the degree our society still has a godly influence, it’s largely because we’re living in the plume of righteousness the Catholic church has stood for.)

It’s hard to stand for truth when people don’t want to hear it. They get mad and respond in anger, hatred, and ungodliness. What’s a Christian to do? That brings us to point #2.

(2) Learning to Love

Yes, we must stand for truth and oppose sinful behavior. But as Christians, we grow up in the mature body of Christ when we speak the truth in love. If we forget the “in love” part, we are still acting as infants, immature in our spirituality.

Our message against sin to the world can’t be, “Don’t sin because God hates sinners!” Unfortunately, some Christians scream this at the top of their lungs. And it’s just not true. God doesn’t hate sinners, he died for them out of love (Romans 5:8). God hates sin, because it’s self-destructive and it hurts the people he loves.

Our message of truth must be from a heart of compassion, not legalism. That’s why God so often gives people ministries to sinful lifestyles they’ve been set free from: (1), you have authority over what you’ve been set free from, but also, (2), you understand. Because you’ve been there and you’ve lived it.

But I believe we can still empathize with the heart-woundings of people, to a greater degree than we do now at least, even if we haven’t experienced it, by understanding and doing these three things:

  1. Realize you don’t get it. If you haven’t experienced it, there is a degree to which you will never completely understand, because you don’t know how it feels. Acknowledge there’s something you’re missing, and you don’t know everything.
  2. Ask the Holy Spirit for his heart, his empathy and compassion. Sympathy, just feeling sorry for someone, is worthless, because it’s degrading of the other person, putting them below you. Empathy, understanding how they feel, is everything. That’s where true, godly, compassion comes from.
  3. Read their stories. Find a book from someone who’s either come through it or who works with people in recovery and healing. For example, if you “just don’t understand how someone can get an abortion” (which we hear all the time in churches), then read Forbidden Grief by Dr. Theresa Burke (not an affiliate link).

Your Turn

What do you think? How have you learned to speak truth? How have you learned to love? Have you swung to one side or the other? How did you find balance?

Or are you struggling with this? If so, kudos to you! It’s by continuing to struggle with these things that we move closer and closer to being like Jesus.

Please tell us your story and thoughts in the comments. And please share if this post would bless others.

Why Neglect Is Just as Harmful as Abuse

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We all understand that abuse is harmful. It leaves deep scars and wounds on our heart, especially when committed by the people who should have loved us. That’s Type B trauma—a “Bad” thing happened. We all get that abuse is really bad.

But Type A trauma—the “Absence” of the necessary good thing—is still trauma. But it’s hidden. Families with Type A trauma can look great on the outside. But neglect is just as harmful as abuse.

“My dad never abused me. He just wasn’t there.” – Millions of people who don’t realize they’re suffering from Type A trauma.

Just like abuse, neglect teaches us we’re not lovable. At least not unconditionally. We have to perform to earn love. The truth is, earned love is not love at all. It’s approval. So many of us confuse approval for love.

We desperately sell our souls for love, get approval instead, and wonder why our need for love is still unsatisfied.

My Story

My neglect wasn’t even sinful. I grew up in a wonderful Christian home. Nothing bad happened. I always knew I was loved. My dad poured into me with lots of activities, which I loved. But they were what he wanted, not what I wanted. Playing baseball. Playing cribbage. All good things I enjoyed.

My dad spent many evenings at the kitchen table going over finances on his adding machine (in the days before computers). If I wanted to play a game with him and get some attention, I’d ask him if he wanted to play cribbage. It worked every time—he’d stop his work and play with me. He couldn’t resist a game of cribbage.

But he wouldn’t stop his work to play Sub Search or Super Spy or Radar Search or Stratego or any of the other silly ‘70s board games I had. It had to be cribbage. Something he liked. Not something I liked. It wasn’t intentional on his part. He was a very good dad. He was an excellent role-model of a Christian man.

I learned, consciously, a lot of good things from my dad: How to treat a woman respectively. Faith in God is important. Being a part of a church. Tithing. Family is important. Self-control. How to be a good sport. Don’t take any wooden nickels. (To this day, I still don’t know what that last one means!)

But what did I unconsciously learn? My preferences aren’t important. Other people’s preferences are important, but not mine. To get what you want, you always have to yield to the preferences of others. Couple that with an unhealthy misunderstanding of Christ’s teaching of dying to yourself, and you’ve got a recipe for the disaster that was my first marriage.

None of that was my parent’s fault, or my ex-spouse’s fault. Or God’s fault. It’s my fault. I was protecting my heart without trusting God. After all, if I yield my preferences, lay down my rights, even when I know it’s wrong in a given situation, God’s obligated to make it turn out right, isn’t he? Boxed him into a clever corner, didn’t I? All without having to do anything scary, like a confrontation. Fortunately, God loves me too much to fall for that one.

The First Step to Freedom

The first step to freedom is committing to a healthy, Christian community. Yes, God speaks to us in our private times with him—worshiping, praying, reading the Bible. Listening to teaching. Watching edifying videos. Reading good books. That secret, private, personal history with God is extremely important.

But so is community. If you suffered neglect, you especially need to join a healthy Christian community where you can let your hair down. Not everybody has to know everything. But a few close friends (or family, or Pastors) do.

Let a community love you to life. Accept hugs. Healthy human touch is vitally important to breaking those strongholds down. Find a place where you can truly be known and know others.

Here are some traits of healthy, and unhealthy communities.

Unhealthy Communities

  • Revolve (mostly) around a single person. If the leader’s not there, cancel the meeting.
  • Have to perform for acceptance. People look down on you if you’re not doing all the things.
  • Pressure to be happy all the time. You don’t dare for one minute not be full of the joy of the Lord.
  • Motivated by guilt. I knew a pastor once who’s common response when someone told him they were missing a service was, “Ok, if you can afford to miss the blessing…” Not healthy.
  • When someone falls, morally or spiritually, they care more about how it’ll make the church look than about the devastation in the person’s life and family and how to heal and restore them. They give people the “left-hand of fellowship” right out the back door.

Healthy Communities

  • Plurality of leaders, not a one-man show.
  • People see good things in you that you don’t see in yourself, and they’re constantly calling them out.
  • Freedom to express and process negative emotions. Don’t have to pretend to be happy all the time.
  • Ok to express doubts and fears. People rally around you, not judge you.
  • When someone falls, morally or spiritually, they care more about the person than the church’s reputation. Nobody gets escorted out the backdoor.

You can find a healthy community near you, if you’re not in one already. I believe God will lead you where you’re called to be if you keep looking. Keep looking until you find it.

Does this post resonate with you? Then please share and tell us your story of community in the comments. We’d love to hear from you.