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How to Move from Fear and Wounding to Calling

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I believe God wants to partner with each of us for an exciting and impactful life. He created us to live a life that makes a difference in the world and advance the Kingdom of God. He has created each of us with a unique calling and purpose.

But there’s something that derails us, that stops us in our tracks before we even start. Fear. And fear is driven by wounding.

When we say, “I have to do this because …”, that’s a clue that we’re living in fear. We’re living in fear of the “because.” Fear’s greatest lie is: “You have no other choice.”

Fear’s Greatest Lie: “You Have No Other Choice”

Living in fear can manifest itself in different ways.

Letting Life Be Controlled by Others

Victimhood. I never get a break. The rallying cries of our life are, “If only…” and “Someday when…” When we find ourselves constantly saying these things, we’re living in victimhood, controlled by others. Our controller doesn’t even have to be a person. If we’re continually derailed by our circumstances, we are still living as a victim and being controlled.

Victimhood can also take the form of False Martyrdom. (I did this for a long time.) False martyrs live under the constant fear of, “Will my spouse/parent/coach/controller be angry?”

The controller’s rages paint them as the obvious bad guy, which makes us the good guy. What we don’t see is, on the back of our brilliant, white, “Good Guy” hat, is the word “VICTIM,” neatly stenciled in big, bold letters. We live under that victim-mantle as long as we play the martyr.

Yes, bad stuff happens. Trauma happens. Abandonment (which is trauma) happens. But those who don’t live in fear as victims, when trauma happens, do two things:

  1. Pursue healing with both hands. People who refuse to be victims don’t let their trauma define them. And they do that by seeking out help and healing from qualified people they trust.
  2. Take action. Their life’s rallying cry is “I am doing …” They don’t wait for “someday when.” They take action today.

Say you’re driving to pick up your kid from school, and the road is closed for construction. ”Oh well, I guess they’ll just either walk home or sleep at school,” said no parent ever. No, what do you do? You take the detour, you drive around.

Same thing in life. When bad things happen out of our control, we trust the Holy Spirit to find us an alternate route. We keep driving; we don’t park.

Living Life to Control Others

If I’m abusing a victim, I must not be one, right? Negative Controllers – bullies, abusers, and narcissists – are incredibly insecure. They create this persona around themselves of being “large and in-charge” so no one ever knows how weak, afraid, and terrified they really feel. Creating pain in others numbs pain in themselves.

But Positive Controllers are just as unhealthy. Positive Controllers look really good on the outside. They often suffer from Performance Orientation, the foundational lie that my value comes from what I do.

They can be really sweet, precious people. But you can recognize a Positive Controller because they won’t take “no” for an answer. They sweetly respond with, “Ok, but can you just…”

  • “I know you said you can’t help with Vacation Bible School this year, but can you just …”
  • “I know you’re too swamped to babysit for me today, and I don’t want to impose, but can you just …”
  • “I know you said no to the favor I asking, but can you just sacrifice and at least do something for me so I get some benefit from your existence?”

When you have a problem, they don’t walk through it with you. They jump in the driver’s seat. They try to “fix” you. Because it’s so much easier and less threatening to work on your problem than on their own.

At the end of the day, it’s all about them, and about how your existence can serve them. When you think back, they’ve never served you.

Controlling others comes down to living in fear. We desperately try to stay in control to keep the world at a safe distance, to never let our shame sneak out. Because if people get too close, they’ll see the shameful truth about me. And that’s the lie we often unconsciously believe that keeps us stuck living in fear.

Under the Fear: Pain from Wounding

Underneath it all, living in fear is driven by something hidden. Something we desperately want to keep hidden but are secretly terrified will be exposed. Our wounding. Our shame.

We put on a persona to keep it from ever slipping out. Whether we play the victim at the mercy of others, or the controller using others, we’re trying to keep our wounding hidden.

Because if they knew the truth about me…

The reality is that it doesn’t work, at least not permanently. It may work for a while, but, out of his mercy for us, God doesn’t let it work forever. Because he wants us to address the wounding so he can bring healing.

Because he has healing for us. And a calling on the other side of that healing. It may be in the area of our wounding, or it may not. Our calling may look totally different after we’ve received healing, because we’re no longer trying to make up for our shame. Once our wounding is healed, that shame has no more power over us.

Yes, that’s possible. God wants to bring that healing into your life.

3 Mindset Shifts to Pursue Your Calling

We all have a calling, that unique contribution God’s created us to make in the world. In Biblical language, it’s the “live works” God designed for us to do before the creation of the world (Ephesians 2:10).

We might even know what our calling is – that passion in our hearts that both excites us and terrifies us when we dare to think about it.

Here are 3 foundational mindset shifts that help us get out of fear and pursue our calling in partnership with God.

1) Become more afraid of not trying than of failing. What if, when we meet Jesus face-to-face, we see all the resources Heaven had lined up to help us pursue our calling, ready to fall like dominoes just when we needed them. But it never happened because we never pushed over the first domino. I don’t want to live in eternal regret, do you?

2) Get comfortable with discomfort. Pursuing God’s calling on our lives always takes us into uncomfortable territory, into uncharted waters. Because God always calls us to something bigger than ourselves, something we can’t do without him.

3) Treat everything as an experiment. This takes all the fear of failure off the table. Because, with this mindset, you didn’t fail, you just learned what doesn’t work. Negative results are just as important. When we learn from our mistakes, we save tremendous energy by avoiding them in the future. And we make adjustments, getting that much closer to what does work.

Your Turn

So what about you? Does this resonate? Where are you on this exciting journey of finding and pursuing God’s calling on your life? Tell us your story in the comments. And please share this post if it would bless others.

4 Lies We Use to Sabotage Ourselves

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So often I’m my own worst enemy. Are you?

Now don’t get me wrong here. There’s something good about being your own worst critic. If I’ve got a problem, I’d much rather notice it myself than have someone else point it out.

Often I’ll think something, like my writing or a video, is only 80-90% as good as it could be, but others think it’s 150%. As long as I keep it in check and don’t procrastinate in the name of perfectionism, my inner critic is a positive force that helps me do my best work. It’s the spark of inspiration within me from the Holy Spirit that makes my heart leap at the possibility of what could be.

But my inner enemy is another matter entirely. When I’m my own worst enemy, I sabotage myself.

Here are 4 lies I use regularly. See if any of these sound familiar.

1) “I’m Too Old” or “It’s Too Late”

“I can’t make a difference! I’m too old!”

“I missed my window! It’s over!”

“It’s too late! The opportunity is gone!”

All of these are lies we tell ourselves to justify not stepping out into the adventure God’s called us to. There’s an old Chinese proverb about the best time to plant a tree.

The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now. — Chinese Proverb

Yes, maybe we should have started sooner. Maybe we should have followed God’s calling on our life 20 years ago. But if we think we missed our golden opportunity, that shows a mistake in our thinking. Namely, that we wrongly think there’s only one golden opportunity.

Every moment is a new golden opportunity. That’s why God makes every sunrise so beautiful. Every day is a new golden opportunity to follow your God-given dreams, make new choices, and start living large.

2) “Who Am I To … ?”

Imposter syndrome. Everyone who has ever done anything amazing feels this way. It’s the enemy’s last, desperate effort to get you to quit, often right before your breakthrough.

That’s why God promises us “the battle is mine, says the Lord” (2 Chronicles 20:15). And again in Zechariah 4:6, “Not by might, not by power, but by my Spirit, says the Lord.”

So while you may not feel qualified to write that book, or do whatever else God’s put on your heart, God is qualified. And it’s by his Spirit he’s put that heart cry in us, so he qualifies us, even when we don’t feel like it.

3) “I Don’t Know How” or “I Don’t Know What to Do”

This is an easy one. God is constantly calling people in the Bible to stuff they don’t know how to do. And God promises to come through. He’s got the wisdom we need.

“If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.” – James 1:5

“I don’t know how” should never stop you. Here’s a simple 4-step plan to get over this road block.

  1. Pray and ask God for his wisdom for this specific problem. Maybe it’s jumping on Google to see how others have solved this problem. Maybe asking others you respect.
  2. Maybe you get a download from God. Maybe you don’t. Take your best guess and try something. Think of everything as an experiment.
  3. Learn from your mistakes. Mistakes are a gift.
  4. Rinse and repeat.

You don’t have to figure the whole thing out up front. You just need to do the next right thing.

4) “I’ll Start Tomorrow”

No, you won’t. “Today is the day of salvation” (2 Corinthians 6:2). Today is the day to start. Do one thing toward the call God’s placed on your life. Today. Start. The world is waiting.

What They All Have in Common

What do all these lies have in common? They are all covering for one thing:

I’m afraid.

They are all a cover for fear. Stepping out into the calling God has on our lives is a step into the unknown. That’s scary. But it’s so worth it. God is good, and will meet you in that place of dangerous, thrilling adventure.

Your Turn

What has God put in your heart that you’re sitting on? What are you too afraid to start? Today is the day. If you’re willing to start today, tell us in the comments what it is. There’s something powerful about declaring it publicly. And please share this post if it would inspire others.

7 Considerations for Sharing Your Story or Not

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Sometimes we feel pressured, or drawn, to share our story. Our stories often contain hard and vulnerable things. The thought of sharing our story can be really scary. It can be hard to discern if we’re being drawn to share by the Holy Spirit or pressured by people. And it can be really confusing if it’s both.

Your story is your story. It belongs to you. You can share it or not. Don’t let anyone pressure you into sharing the treasure of your story. Because your story is a treasure. Sharing it is a precious gift that deserves to be stewarded well, as does your vulnerability and your heart, by the hearers.

Here are 7 considerations to think about when discerning whether or not to share your story.

1) Share Your Scars, Not Your Wounds

I learned this from Amy Porterfield. She was talking about how vulnerable to be with followers in your online business on social media, but I believe this applies in the church, and all of life, as well.

Sharing what you’ve been through is generally wiser than sharing what you’re currently going through. Because publicly sharing your story is not about you.

“But it’s my story! What do you mean it’s not about me?!?” 

Private healing we seek out is about us and getting the healing we need. We all need a healthy dose of counseling, inner healing, and/or deliverance. Personally, I’ve benefited from all three, and we encourage everyone to get the help they need. Yes, your healing is about you.

But everything we share publicly is all about the other people. What we share needs to build up our hearers. The Bible uses the word edify. At least four whole chapters in the Bible (Ephesians 4 and 1 Corinthians 12-14) are dedicated to this concept.

If what we’re sharing is an open wound, and if by sharing it we’re gushing emotional blood all over everyone, that’s not helping them. And it’s probably not doing us any favors, either.

2) What Is the Other Party Equipped to Handle?

I learned this from Toni Collier, in her excellent book Brave Enough to Be Broken (not an affiliate link).

Not every audience, Christian or not, church or not, saved or not, is capable of handling your story. Your story is valuable, and sharing it is a vulnerable gift you are giving to others. You deserve to have the gift of your story stewarded well. If the audience, or the other person, is not equipped to steward your story well, and steward your heart well, then don’t share your story with them.

3) Will Others Be Hurt?

Some stories from our past can hurt our current families. You need to prayerfully consider whether or not to share if others will be hurt.

For people in your story who treated you badly, there is a balance here. On one hand, if they didn’t want to look bad later, they should’ve treated you better. This is not about protecting perps so they can continue hurting others.

On the other hand, we don’t want to bash others out of our own unhealed bitterness. That does nobody any good.

And I’m not just talking about people involved in your story. For example, will current children, who had nothing to do with your story, be hurt if certain details from your past are revealed?

These are questions to work through with the Holy Spirit and wise counsel who does not have a stake in your decision.

4) Small or Wide Audience?

Often, what and how much to share depends greatly upon the audience. Is this with a few trusted friends? Is it a private conservation? Or is it being streamed live on the Internet?

The wider, more general, and less trusted the audience, the more discerning you need to be about what you decide to share.

5) Do You Feel Pressured or Drawn?

If the Holy Spirit is drawing you to share, you won’t feel pressured or guilted into it. I have seen ministries coerce people into sharing before they were ready, to the harm of the person sharing.

Unfortunately, some Christian leaders are not above using your story to build their own personal empire. Here are some ways leaders can nicely but manipulatively attempt to coerce you into sharing your story for their own benefit:

  • Shame: “If you’re not ready to share your story, you must not be healed yet.”
  • Manipulation: “You have a responsibility to share your story. Look at how many people it would help.”
  • Presumption: Assuming that you’re going to share, without asking you, and informing you of when you’re on the calendar.
  • Pressure by Comparison: “Everyone else (or so-and-so) is sharing their story.”

Every one of these tactics is demonic and not of God. Doing these things is a sure sign that the leader is just using you to build their own empire.

If you feel pressured to share, or are being guilted or manipulated into it, then don’t share. Tell that leader “no.” And you don’t have to explain why. You can just say, “No, I don’t feel right sharing that.”

If they don’t accept your no, and still try to convince you to share, however nicely, realize you’re dealing with a controlling and abusive leader. Run, do not walk, out the door and find healthy leadership in a healthy ministry.

6) The Peace Test

Does sharing your story in this setting, to these people, pass “The Pease Test”? Do you have peace in your spirit about it?

If not, don’t share. You don’t have to be able to explain why. It’s enough to know you have a check in your spirit against sharing. Wait until the Holy Spirit has brought a peace to you about it that outweighs any natural nervousness you might have.

7) If It’s a Tie, Don’t Share

When considering whether or not to share your story, if yes and no are a tie, then don’t share. Once you’ve shared, you can’t take it back. The cat’s out of the bag. But you can always share your story later.

If the Holy Spirit is prompting you to share your story, that prompting won’t go away if you sit on it for a bit. In fact, it usually grows stronger.

One of the key ways I discern whether something I’m unsure about is God or not is by pausing first. If it’s just my flesh, I find the compulsion fades over time. But if it’s the Holy Spirit, it grows stronger.

Your Turn

Does this resonate? Have you shared your story and wished you hadn’t? Or has your vulnerability been stewarded well? Or not? Tell us in the comments and shoot us a private message. And please share this post if it will bless others.

Resources

Janet and I are called, in part, to train the church how to embrace the wounded. I did this video series to help the church learn how to embrace two specific types of wounded people, those suffering from depression, and those who are post-abortive. I pray they are helpful.

How to Balance Family and Ministry with 3 Questions

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I’ve seen a lot of questions recently from people, particularly men, trying to sort out balancing ministry and family. Questions like:

  • “Should I go to my kid’s soccer game or go to the men’s breakfast?”
  • “Should I miss the school play because it’s on a Wednesday church night?”
  • “Shouldn’t my life be a witness to them that God is more important?”

These questions come from a false dichotomy – having to choose either family or ministry. But that’s a false choice. Family is ministry.

Every Relationship Is a Ministry.

The hardest choices are choosing between good things. For me, as a general guideline, I set my priorities as follows, and I believe this is Biblical:

  1. Ministry to Jesus himself (time spent and direct obedience)
  2. Spouse
  3. Kids
  4. Extended family (including parents)
  5. Other relationships
  6. Church and other “ministry” activities

The sticky wicket is that first one. Ministry to Jesus means spending time with him, just you and him. But it also means obeying what he’s told you directly in your heart, even if no one else understands it, gets it, or is mad about it.

Yes, Jesus first. Always. But church is not Jesus. Your family is as much a ministry as church activities are.

Every Relationship Is a Ministry.

In general, when there’s a conflict between healthy family needs and church/ministry needs, choose your family. Every. Time.

Unless Jesus has directly, individually, spoken to you and you know in your heart that he’s directing you otherwise.

Here are wrong reasons to prioritize church over healthy family needs:

  • For principle’s sake.
  • To show them how important God is.
  • To do the “right” thing.
  • I get my value from doing ministry.

The only valid reasons to prioritize church over family:

  • You know in your heart Jesus is directly calling you to.
  • The family needs are not spiritually healthy, but are narcissistic in nature.

Healthy Family Needs over Church Activities Every Time

This may be controversial in some circles, and you’re free to disagree with me. But I firmly believe the needs of your spouse and family come before church ministry. And I’m taking for granted here that we’re talking about healthy and reasonable needs, not narcissistic needs.

For example, if your husband doesn’t want you to go to church at all, that’s not a healthy need. Go to church. But if your husband feels abandoned because you’re at church 4 nights a week, he might have a point.

3 Questions to Help You Prioritize

Here are three questions to ask yourself in trying to decide what to prioritize. Let’s take the example of deciding whether to go to your son’s soccer game or the men’s breakfast at church.

(1) Which relationship do you have the most influence in? You have infinitely more influence in your relationship with your child than with anyone in the men’s group. Go to the soccer game.

(2) Who will be hurt the most? No one in the men’s group will be legitimately hurt because you’re not there, and most will not even notice. In fact, by the next men’s breakfast, most people won’t even remember whether you were there or not. But your son could be deeply hurt by you missing his game and carry that scar for years. Go to the soccer game.

(3) What message are you sending? If you go to the soccer game, you send the men’s group the message, “My family is important.” That’s a Biblical message. But what message are you sending to your son if you miss his game?

If you miss the game, maybe you think you’re sending the message, “God is the most important thing in life.” You’re not. You’re really sending the message, “You aren’t important.” And that message could stick with him for years, reinforcing lies the enemy is (or will) tell him about his self-worth.

By your actions, not your words, you are telling your son how God views him. Let your actions tell the truth about his importance to God. Go to the soccer game.

Every Relationship Is a Ministry.

In the rarity that you go to the men’s breakfast over your son’s soccer game, let it be because you know in your heart that God is directly leading you to, individually and specifically in this instance, not based on some intellectual or theological principle or your own unredeemed performance orientation.

What about Jesus’ Mother and Brothers in Mark 3?

This story is related in Matthew 12, Mark 3, and Luke 8. Let’s look at Mark 3 because there’s a bit more detail recorded there. In Mark 3:31-35, Jesus is told his mother and his brothers want to speak to him. He appears to blow them off by saying, “Who are my mother and brothers? Whoever does God’s will is my brother and sister and mother.”

This story is often misused by clergy (who are building their own empire rather than the Kingdom, don’t get me started) to manipulate church ministry over people’s healthy family needs.

But look back in Mark 3:20-21: Then Jesus entered a house, and again a crowd gathered, so that he and his disciples were not even able to eat. When his family heard about this, they went to take charge of him, for they said, “He is out of his mind.”

They came to stop him from embarrassing the family. In this instance, they were proactively opposing his calling. So yes, in this instance, Jesus correctly prioritized what he knew God put in his heart to do over his family.

He didn’t do it based on some vague intellectual or theological “principle.” He didn’t do it based on some verse he misapplied from the Old Testament. He did it because they were opposing the calling God put in his heart.

Your calling, not your church, counts as direct ministry to Jesus.

If family needs conflict with your calling, what you know in your heart the Holy Spirit is individually and specifically calling and directing you to do, then prioritize your calling. Every Time.

But unless you have that individual specific, direct leading in your heart, prioritize your family. Every. Time.

If it’s a tie, or you aren’t sure, prioritize your family (assuming healthy needs, not narcissistic ones). Because your family counts as ministry. If God is really calling you to choose otherwise, it won’t go away; it’ll get stronger.

Your Turn

What do you think about all this? This is a hard topic. Have you faced this in your own life? How did you resolve it? Has your view on this changed over time? Or are you facing this now? Tell us your story and your thoughts in the comments. Let’s start a healthy discussion. And please share this post on social media if it will bless others.

How to Be a Healing Witness and Why It Matters

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In this broken world, bad stuff often happens to us in isolation, just us and the perpetrator. No one knows our secret.

We were designed by God to heal in community. Not a big, giant community. I’m not talking about telling our hurtful secrets to the whole world or publicly in front of our whole church. Yes, God calls some people to do that, and God uses those stories. But, personally, I don’t believe God calls most people to do that.

I think that’s because, too often, many people in the general congregation don’t have a grid for your story. They aren’t safe people to share your story with. They don’t know how to steward it well. And the tender parts of your heart revealed in your story deserve to be stewarded well.

So not everyone needs to know everything. But someone needs to know everything. In a small, safe community of other believers, even if it’s just one other person, there is real healing power in having our story received.

As the Church of God, Jesus’ hands, feet, mouth, and heart to a desperate and dying world, it’s important for us to learn how to receive people’s stories and how to steward them well, honoring the tender parts of their heart that was so wounded.

One of the most powerfully healing things we can do to receive and steward their story and heart well is to be a witness to the truth of their story. This does 2 incredibly powerful healing things for them:

1) A Witness to the Painful Truth of Their Story

Although, yes, there’s plenty of deception going around our world right now, so often that’s not the problem. Often, the problem isn’t deception, it’s truth misapplied. Truth, even Biblical truth, applied in the wrong way in the wrong context becomes toxic.

  • “Get over it.”
  • “Big boys don’t cry.”
  • “Suck it up.”
  • “Be a man.”
  • “Grow up.”

Yes, Ecclesiastes 3, there is a time to delay tears in order to accomplish what needs to be done in the moment. But, Ecclesiastes 3, there is also a season to let the tears flow.

Having someone else witness to the pain of our story is amazingly healing.

  • “That must have really hurt.”
  • “It wasn’t fair you had to go through that.”
  • “You are not being treated right by your ex.”
  • “She should not have said that. That must really hurt to hear. It isn’t true.”

Just that. Just having someone acknowledge the pain of what you’re going through is tremendously healing.

Now please don’t get me wrong. This isn’t a pity party. This isn’t a celebration of victimhood. This isn’t trying to “fix it” for someone.

This is healthy, godly, loving community saying, “I see you. I see the pain you have to walk through. But you don’t have to walk alone. I’ll walk with you.”

It’s about holding space, safe space, for the other person to be vulnerable. To let their guard down. To share their story. To be heard.

And this is so healing because, when the pain happened, they weren’t heard.

2) A Witness that What They Experienced Was Wrong

To hear someone else say what you experienced was wrong is tremendously freeing and healing.

Abuse is never, ever, the victim’s fault. No one, ever, deserves to be physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually manipulated or abused. Never.

Just to hear someone say, “It was wrong that you were treated that way,” can be tremendously healing.

  • “It was wrong that your voice was shut down.”
  • “It was wrong that you grew up without a dad.”
  • “It was wrong that they made fun of you.”
  • “It was wrong that they/he/she hurt you like that.”

Listening to someone’s story, we often don’t think to say this because it’s so obvious. We’re busy thinking about the advice we’re going to give them after they’re done telling their story. But they don’t need our “fix.” They need our witness.

Have you ever known someone who keeps telling the same story, and, even after a long time, seems to be stuck there? Why can’t they just get over it?  Because they’re looking for a witness. They desperately need to hear someone else say that what they experienced was wrong.

Of course it was wrong; it’s so obvious it goes without saying.  No, it doesn’t. It needs to be said because it needs to be heard. By them. By their ears. By their heart. Saying it out loud, letting their ears physically hear you say it, speaks directly to their heart. That’s what they need. We can learn to supply that. Such a simple thing, but it’s so rare and so powerfully healing.

Your Turn

So what about you? Does this resonate? Are you longing for a healing witness? Have you received one, and how did it help? Have you done this for someone else? Feel free to tell us your story in the comments, if you feel so lead, no pressure. And please share this post on social media if it would bless others.

3 Ways to Live Like a Creator instead of a Victim

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The concepts in this post come from an amazing little book, The Power of TED: The Empowerment Dynamic by David Emerald. You can pick up your copy here. It’s one of the best books I’ve read in the last 12 months. I highly recommend it. (BTW, this is not an affiliate link. I receive no commission or any other benefit if you buy the book. But you’ll receive a huge benefit if you read it and incorporate these Kingdom of God principles into your daily life.)

I also want to give a shout out to my friend, Jane Abbate, who turned me on to this awesome little book. You can check out Jane’s excellent website at www.MessyMiracles.com (again, not an affiliate link).

No one wants to be a Victim. Yet so many of us live a victim lifestyle. We live at the mercy of our Persecutor, be it a person or a situation, and helplessly await our victorious Rescuer. Only the Rescuer never measures up to our expectations. The rescue comes with strings attached. Our Rescuer becomes our new Persecutor, and around the track we go again. Does this sound familiar? Have you been, or are you now, caught in this cycle?

The fascinating thing to me is that all three roles, Persecutor, Rescuer, and Victim, are all driven by the same motivational engine. Fear.

  • Persecutors act the way they do out of fear of becoming Victims. They try to control the situation. If they make someone else the Victim, then they aren’t. The persecutor thinks of the Victim, “Oh, you poor, sad bugger!”
  • Rescuers also operate out of fear of becoming a Victim. They get their sense of well-being and purpose, not from the calling of God on their own lives, but from fixing Victims. You know you’re dealing with a Rescuer when they don’t want to help you fix the problem—they want to fix you. Rescuers think, “Oh, you poor thing! Bless your heart!”
  • Victims are afraid of everything and live in anxiety, reacting to one problem after another. Victims think, “Oh, poor me!”

The good news is there’s another way to live. God did not create us to be Victims. God is The Creator, and since we were made in his image (Genesis 1:26-27), we were made to be Creators. Creator is the opposite of Victim.

Stick with me here. This is not New Age “we are all gods” nonsense. But God gives us authority over our sphere of influence, especially our lives. That’s why we become what we behold, and what we focus on manifests in our lives.

That’s why Jesus said, after Peter’s confession of Christ, “… on this rock I will build my church.” (Matthew 16:18) The Greek word translated “church” is ecclesia. Since there weren’t any churches around yet, I always thought it was the Greek word for synagogue. But it’s not. Ecclesia actually is the ruling council of a Greek city-state. Jesus was really saying, “On this rock (Peter’s spoken confession), I will build my government.”

Our words, our confession of what we believe, have governmental authority over our lives. God created us this way in his own image as Creators with this authority. He built this principle into the fabric of the universe so we could bless each other (and our own lives). When we speak or focus our attention on something, good or bad, it dispatches spiritual forces to make it so.

What does living like a Creator instead of a Victim look like? The key is that, instead of fear, the Creator’s driven by a different motivational engine—Empowerment. Here are three very practical ways to live like a Creator instead of a Victim.

1) Creators focus on vision while Victims focus on problems. Victims don’t have vision. Reacting to problems is their whole life. Creators focus on the reality they want, and realistically assess the differences between that and their current reality.

2) Creators deal with Challengers, not Persecutors. Persecutors create problems the Victim waits to be rescued from. The responsibility lies with the Rescuer, not the powerless Victim. Creators, on the other hand, see problems, not as Persecutors, but as Challengers to their desired vision. Creators take responsibility for actively taking baby steps through the Challenge and toward their vision.

3) Creators work with Coaches, not Rescuers. Rescuers assume responsibility for fixing the Victim, and their help comes with strings attached. They often become the Victim’s new Persecutor. But although Coaches may offer advice to help fix a problem, both the Coach and the Creator understand the responsibility for fixing the problem rests with the Creator. Coaches allow Creators to freely accept or reject their advice, and Creators seek out this kind of healthy help.

But what about when bad things happen that are not our fault? What about things totally out of our control? What about crime? Mass shooting victims and their surviving families? What if your parents divorce? How about abuse?

We can be the victim of a crime, or of abuse, or anything else life dishes out, without getting sucked into the Victim lifestyle. That’s a choice we make. It’s all about what we choose to focus on. Do we focus on the problem, and live a Victim lifestyle careening from one reaction to the next? Or do we live a Creator lifestyle, focusing on the vision of the life we want, designing and actively taking baby steps to get there?

The choice is up to us.

How about you? Does this resonate? Which of these roles do you fill most of the time? What change are you going to make after reading this article? And please share on social media if you think this would bless someone else.

How to Explain Our Calling to Others

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Sometimes, the hardest thing about our calling is explaining it to others, especially our family or people we’re close to. Sometimes even our church family can be difficult. Often, fear of man is at the root of it.

Even Moses struggled with fear of man. When God was talking with him from the burning bush, Moses brought it up twice:

“Suppose I go to the Israelites and say to them, ‘The God of your fathers has sent me to you,’ and they ask me, ‘What is his name?’ Then what shall I tell them?” – Exodus 3:13

“What if they [the Israelites] do not believe me or listen to me and say, ‘The Lord did not appear to you’?” – Exodus 4:1

Moses was more afraid of unbelief from the Israelites than he was from the Egyptians. Isn’t that true with us too? Internal opposition is often scarier than external opposition.

Fear of Man: How Do I Explain this to Others? What If They Don’t Believe Me?

Does our fear of man manifest itself most in the fear of what our family will think? Those closest to us? Maybe even our church family?

God gives Moses a 3-fold strategy. The same strategy will work for us too. That doesn’t mean our family or loved ones are guaranteed to believe or support us in our calling. That’s on them. But the strategy God gave Moses is an excellent starting place.

(1) Invite them into a Story

“Story” is the most powerful communication tool in the world. That’s why Jesus told parables (one reason at least). Think of the best sermon or speaker you’ve ever heard. You may or may not remember what their points were, but I bet you remember the stories they told.

A story hooks us because, when there are two possible outcomes, success or failure, we have to know which happens. The two possible outcomes in a story are called the stakes. The stakes are what stands to be won or lost if the hero succeeds or fails. Painting the stakes is an invitation for the listener to step into the story.

God tells Moses to tell the Israelites that he’s seen their suffering and will bring them into a land flowing with milk and honey (Exodus 3:16-17).

God paints the stakes: the Israelites’ current suffering as slaves in Egypt versus a land of their own flowing with milk and honey. He’s inviting the Israelites to step into this story.

This is a strategy for us to explain our calling to those closest to us, spouse, family, etc. Paint the stakes. What is to be lost if you don’t follow God’s calling, and what is to be gained if you do?

Invite them into the story. Where do they fit? How can they help? What part in this story are you inviting them to play?

(2) God’s Working in Your Life

Then, if the Israelites don’t believe him, God gives Moses 3 signs to perform (Exodus 4:2-9):

  1. His staff turned into a snake (and back again).
  2. His hand became leprous (and clean again).
  3. He poured water from Nile on the ground and it became blood.

Two of the signs, turning the staff into a snake and turning the water to blood, represent the miraculous things God has worked in your life. Those who don’t believe may call them coincidences, but we who believe know it could only have been God.

Here’s an example:

I was talking to a family member, who doesn’t believe in God, about Janet and I moving into our current house. The “coincidences” and timing lined up so perfectly it could only have been God.

We moved from Stafford, VA, to neighboring Fredericksburg. The Fredericksburg housing market rarely has houses come up for sale, and they go fast. So I was prepping Janet that, after selling our old house, we might need to put stuff in storage and live in an apartment for 12-18 months until we found a place.

That would’ve been the typical way such a move would work, but God had other plans.

We put our old house on the market on Friday and had it sold by Monday. We had 3 offers over the weekend, and accepted a full price offer with no points requested by the buyer. That doesn’t happen. Except it did.

We did a rent-back for 4 weeks so we could find another place, which I knew wouldn’t work. It would take at least a couple weeks to find a place (probably a temporary apartment). But if we actually found a house, closings are minimum 30 days, if not 45 or 60 days. So, regardless, we were going to have to make two moves.

We found our new house in about 7-10 days, and I was shocked to find it fit our budget. We made an offer, with the seller paying all the points, which he accepted. That doesn’t happen. Except it did.

But to only make 1 move, the closing company would have to do the closing in 21 days. That doesn’t happen. Except it did.

We made one move, from the old to the new, did not have to live in any temporary housing, and did not pay any points on either sale. That doesn’t happen. Except it did.

My family member said, “Wow, what a lot of coincidences, that’s amazing!”

I said, “That had to be God. There’s no way all of that could have happened with God orchestrating it.”

He can believe what he wants. But Janet and I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, God moved us to Fredericksburg.

(3) God’s Healing in Your Life

The other sign God gave Moses, his hand turning leprous and then clean again, represents God’s healing in your life.

What has God done for you? What has he brought you through? How has he healed you? Your testimony is part of your story. Your calling is a continuation of your story.

There are lots of types of healing, physical, emotional, relational, etc. Depending on how sensitive it is, you don’t have to tell everyone. But, if it’s appropriate, based on the relationship you have with the other person, what you’ve been healed from can be a powerful point in favor of your calling.

Invitations Can Be Refused

A great way to explain our calling to family members is by using this 3-fold strategy God gave Moses:

  1. Paint the stakes.
  2. How God has worked in your life.
  3. The healing God has brought you through.

But it is not a guarantee. The Israelites did believe Moses (Exodus 4:29-31), temporarily, until it got hard (Exodus 6:9).

Invitations can be refused. We need to honor our loved ones by giving them that option. Even when our calling has an obvious role for them to play, their fear may stop them. Their unbelief may stop them. Or something may be holding them back.

But, even if they refuse, you press on. You follow your calling. God may win them over somewhere along the way in the future. Don’t let anyone derail the calling of God on your life.

Your Turn

Are you struggling to explain your calling to close friends, family members, or your church community? Or have you figured it out? Please tell us in the comments; it will help others. And please share this post if it would bless other people.

The Only Response that Angers God

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The Bible is full of people making excuses to get out of what God’s calling them to do, including Jonah, Gideon, Saul, Moses, even Ananias in the New Testament (Acts 9), and many others. We do it too. I think it’s usually out of fear. God always calls us to something we can’t do without him, something bigger than ourselves.

Look at Moses. He makes a lot of excuses to get out of God’s calling (Exodus 3-4). And God is fine with all of them, having an answer for them, talking Moses through them.

All the Excuses

“Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?” — Exodus 3:11

We call this “Imposter Syndrome.” It’s that feeling of inadequacy we all feel when we realize God’s called us to something bigger than ourselves, that we can’t do on our own. Which is actually the point. He wants to do it in partnership with us.

I’ll go into this more in a future blog, but God’s answer is simply, “I will be with you” (Exodus 9:12). The cure to imposter syndrome is spending time with the One who longs to spend time with us.

“Suppose I go to the Israelites and say to them, ‘The God of your fathers has sent me to you,’ and they ask me, ‘What is his name?’ Then what shall I tell them?” – Exodus 3:13

“What if they do not believe me or listen to me and say, ‘The Lord did not appear to you’?” – Exodus 4:1

Fear of man. Moses actually brings this up twice. God is not angry at Moses for this, but gives Moses a strategy (signs to perform).

“I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow of speech and tongue.” – Exodus 4:10

Translation: “I’m terrified of public speaking, and I stutter. I am genetically flawed and physically incapable of doing this.”

God’s not angry at Moses for this one either. God’s answer is partnership. “I’m bigger than your stutter. We’ll walk through this together.” (Exodus 4:11, my paraphrase)

The Response that Angers God

There is only one response Moses ultimately gives that angers God.

Moses said, “Pardon your servant, Lord. Please send someone else.” – Exodus 4:13

Moses essentially tells God, “No.” And that is the one word that angers God.

The Lord’s anger burned against Moses. – Exodus 4:14a

God is fine with all of our excuses and objections. He will help us work through them. It’s perfectly fine to put a fleece out and say, “God, if you want me to do this, I need a solution to this problem.” Then, if the call you’re trying to follow is truly God, he will either remove the problem or give you a strategy for it.

But the one thing that ticks God off is when we say, “No, I’m not doing that.” This is not confusion about whether it’s really God or no, or just plain not knowing what to do next. This is overtly saying, “I know this is what God’s calling me to do, but I’m not doing it.”

And yet, even then, God gave Moses a solution.

“What about your brother, Aaron the Levite? I know he can speak well. He is already on his way to meet you, and he will be glad to see you. You shall speak to him and put words in his mouth; I will help both of you speak and will teach you what to do. He will speak to the people for you, and it will be as if he were your mouth and as if you were God to him.” – Exodus 4:14b-16

Even after Moses told God “no,” God had grace for Moses. And he has grace for you.

God gives us the help we think we need to get over the hump, even if we don’t really need it.

Moses Says “Yes”

Talked out of all his excuses, Moses finally says yes. Eventually, Moses didn’t need Aaron to speak for him. Check out this (abbreviated) sequence of events:

  • Aaron speaks for Moses to the elders of Israel (Exodus 4:29-31).
  • Aaron speaks for Moses to Pharaoh and performs the first few miracles and plagues (Exodus 5-8).
  • Moses begins speaking directly to the elders of Israel (Exodus 6:9).
  • Moses begins to answer Pharaoh directly, when Pharaoh asks for relief from the frogs (Exodus 8:9-10).
  • Moses, not Aaron, begins initiating the plagues, starting with the plague of boils by tossing ashes in the air in front of Pharaoh (Exodus 9:10).
  • Moses goes to Pharaoh alone, and answers Pharaoh directly when Pharaoh tries to work a compromise after the plague of darkness (Exodus 10:24-26).
  • Moses finally initiates conversation with Pharaoh, about the plague on the firstborn, and storms out of  Pharaoh’s presence, hot with anger (Exodus 11:4-8).

Moses grew into the person God knew he was all along. And so will you.

Your Turn

Are you struggling stepping into the call of God on your life? Have you told God, “no”? Or have you said “yes” to something that was scary and seemed impossible, but God moved and it worked out? Tell us in the comments. Your sharing will help someone else. And please share this post if it would bless others.

Why We Choose Confusion over Clarity

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Nobody wants to be confused. Or do we? It turns out a lot of our confusion is intentional. We all say we want clarity. But, all too often, we actually choose confusion over clarity because confusion gives us these 3 benefits.

(1) Confusion Lets Us Avoid Conflict

I heard a podcast where a business owner was talking with his business coach. “I have this employee who doesn’t seem to fit anywhere we put him. I’ve helped him develop skills, and we’ve moved him around to different positions, but he just doesn’t seem to be effective anywhere. I’m really confused about what to do with this person.”

The coach called the owner on the carpet. “No, you’re not. You’re not confused. You know exactly what you need to do with this person – let him go. You’re choosing to be confused because you don’t want to do it.”

Ouch. I resemble that remark. If there’s a conflict we need to have, but don’t want to have, our brains often help with that. “Here, let me help you avoid that painful thing.” So, unconsciously, we choose to be confused to avoid having a conflict we’re afraid of.

(2) Confusion Lets Us Avoid Action

What if it’s not conflict per se, but doing something scary? Writing that book. Hitting “publish” on that blog or video. Starting that business. Following your heart. Doing what you were created to do.

There is a spark of genius that only you can bring into the world. And if you don’t do it, no one will. Your calling is the scary and exhilarating adventure you were created to live. Its greatest enemy is what you are comfortably good at.

Confusion lets us stay in that place of comfortable excellence, never daring to take that first right scary step into our calling. How sad! The greatest tragedy in life isn’t an early death, but a long life unlived.

(3) Confusion Lets Us Avoid Responsibility

The most important step in solving a problem is to actually do something. Often, it doesn’t even matter if it’s the right thing or not. Because if we’re honestly trying to solve the problem and do the wrong thing, we usually figure it out quickly. And then we can course correct, getting closer to doing the right thing. Eventually, if we keep doing things, we’ll figure out the right thing, do it, and solve the problem.

But action, working through the process of actually doing things to solve a problem, requires a prerequisite: Accepting responsibility for the problem.

Confusion keeps us from starting the process of solving a problem. Confusion lets us avoid responsibility. “Whose problem is this anyway? It’s not my responsibility.” Entitlement loves sprouting up from the futile soil of confusion. And entitlement always pushes the responsibility for our own lives onto other people.

Thanks but No Thanks

We all say we want clarity. But clarity can be very uncomfortable. Clarity calls us to scary action outside our comfort zone and places responsibility squarely on our shoulders. Confusion lets us avoid action, conflict, and responsibility in a socially acceptable way. Bonus!

But it’s not really a bonus. Although our brain is trying to do us a favor with that big, intimidating wall of foggy confusion, it’s not really helping. Confusion keeps you from your calling, from the thing that would light up your heart if you would only do it – that thing you were born to do.

If you think about it, the only real weapon the Enemy has to keep you from your calling is Fear. He often instills fear by trauma, but a more subtle strategy is confusion. Confusion is a socially acceptable cover for fear.

Think about it. What’s more socially acceptable to say? Which of these two options gives me emotional cover for avoiding the thing I don’t want to do:

  • “I know what I need to do, but I’m afraid to do it.” That will have people encouraging me to do the thing! “You can do it!” they’ll cheer me on. Bummer! I’m trying to avoid doing that scary thing.
  • “I’m just not sure about what to do next.” If I’m trying to avoid something, that works much better. People will say, “I’m sure you’ll figure it out.” Perfect! Emotional cover for inaction.

Except that your calling, your purpose, your transformation, lies on the other side of that fear.

Defeat Confusion with 3 Questions

So how do we fix this? Defeating confusion comes down to this – the answer to these 3 questions.

1) Do you believe who God says you are? God has a unique purpose for you. Suspend disbelief for a moment. What makes your heart leap when you think of doing it, before your brain jumps in and tells you that you can’t?

2) Do you believe God is for you? God put that spark in your heart. He’s for you, on your side, rooting for your success. And he’s cheating along the way, orchestrating things to give you exactly the help you need exactly when you need it. He’s all in. Are you?

3) If you weren’t “confused,” what would you do? Play the role as an actor. Someone who has the same spark in your heart that you do, but wasn’t afraid, what would they do next? Do that.

Your Turn – Do Something

It’s hard to know whether something will work or not. But it’s pretty easy to tell if something is working or not. Clarity comes with action. Stop choosing to be confused. Do the thing. If it’s something you’re afraid of doing, you probably need to do it.

Does your best-self know what the next right thing to do is, but you’re afraid to do it? Does this post resonate? Tell us your story in the comments. And please share this post if this would bless someone else.

How to Find Your Calling with 3 Easy Lists

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God has a unique calling on each one of us, our unique contribution to the world. The powers of darkness are terribly afraid of it, because when you walk in your calling, they lose real estate. The enemy’s strategy is to so grievously wound us, as early in life as possible, that we don’t ever step into the calling on our lives. Your calling is that important. If you don’t fulfill it, no one will. Then the world misses out and you live a boring life instead of the adventure you were created for.

So how do you find it? Your calling is the intersection of three things – your passion, your skills, and your livelihood. You need all three, or you don’t have a calling. You have something else. Let’s look at these one at a time.

This is a very practical post today. Have fun with this! Go through this exercise with the Holy Spirit. Ask him to show you the answer to each of these questions. He’s totally into this.

1) Your Passion

What sets your heart on fire? What thing makes your heart leap out of your chest at the thought of doing it? Alternatively, it might terrify you. For those of us still working our way out of our wounding, a calling can be terrifying. It can fly in the face of inner vows we’ve made to protect our heart. It can force us to face our fear.

For example, suppose your calling is public speaking. Suppose God wants to give you words and speeches and messages that will inspire and change a myriad of lives. But in grade school, the enemy set it up so you got severely made fun of for making a mistake during a class presentation, or maybe answering a teacher’s question wrong. You vowed you’d never speak in public again. It wasn’t safe.

Now that vow is holding you back from stepping into your calling, and the thought of public speaking terrifies you. But God wants to heal that. You can renounce those inner vows and the benefit they give you, choosing to trust God for your heart’s safety instead of your own means.

So if you feel either exhilaration or terror at doing a thing, that might be your passion. If your heart didn’t care about it, you’d be indifferent. And if it’s terror, there may an inner vow in the way that you need to work through and remove.

Make a list right now of what you’re passionate about. Use both the positive and negative questions: What exhilarates you? What terrifies you?

Another great question for finding your passion is, What angers you? What problem do you want to see solved? What fight do you want to pick with the world?

2) Your Skills

This is much more straight forward. What are you good at? Make a second list. What skills, talents, and abilities do you naturally have? What were you just always good at? Alternatively, what skills have you developed? What have you learned to do really well? Put all these on your second list.

3) Your Livelihood

Your livelihood is what will people pay you for. God doesn’t want you to starve. He’s a God of provision. He’ll provide for your needs so you can pursue your calling. The easiest way is if people pay you for it.

Honestly, people don’t care about your skills or your passion. They care about themselves. Not dissing anybody here, we all do. But when you solve a problem for people, they will pay you for it.

Make a third list. What will people pay you for? What problems can you solve?

Your Calling

The intersection of all three lists is your calling. Are you surprised? Or did you know it all the time, but were afraid to think about it? What is that thing? Share it in the comments.

What if there’s nothing on all 3 lists?

Oh no, I’m doomed, I have no calling! Now just hold on there, Mr. Melodramatic. You have a calling, we just need to dig a little deeper. The stuff of life has just buried it a little bit. What is on two of the lists?

Skills and Livelihood without Passion is a Job

But what happens if you’ve got skills at something and a livelihood but no passion? That’s a job. Maybe you used to have passion for it, and you’re convinced that job is, in fact, God’s calling on your life. How do you move it from job to calling? You have to rekindle your lost passion.

Ask the Holy Spirit how. One way is to go back to the beginning. Remember when this thing first romanced you and you fell in love with it? How did you approach it then? Can you do the thing the way you did at first and reclaim that lost passion?

Dude, I have never loved my job! Then your job’s not your passion.

Passion and Livelihood without Skills is a Daydream

Without skills, people won’t pay you for long, if at all. If you’re sure this daydream is God’s calling on your life, how can you move it from daydream to calling? What baby steps can you take right now to start acquiring the skills?

Maybe your daydream is to be an author. If that’s your calling, start a blog and start putting your work out there regularly for people to read. Maybe your daydream is to be a missionary. If that’s your calling, enroll in a class at your local community college to start learning your host country’s language.

Passion and Skills without Livelihood is a Hobby

God doesn’t want you or your family to starve. If it’s your calling, God will provide provision for you to pursue it. Usually that’s getting paid for it. How can you take your hobby and solve a problem for people with it? Where does it touch an area that other people care about? It’s ok if it’s a niche thing, as long as somebody will pay you for it. It’s ok if it’s not for everyone, as long as there’s enough people who collectively will pay you enough so you can keep doing it.

Alternatively, God may provide provision through something else. This is especially true in the early days when you’re honing your craft and acquiring the skills.

Think of the 17th century European composers and artists. They had patrons, usually nobility or royalty, who would cover their expenses so they could write their music and make their art. Oftentimes today, your job is your patron. It covers your expenses while you get good enough for people to start paying you.

What if there’s nothing on any two lists?

Then go with your passion list. What on there makes your heart sing? Is there something that equally excites and terrifies you? That could be it.

But, as it stands, you’ve got no skills and you’ve got no livelihood. So start acquiring them. What baby steps can you take now to start getting better at that thing? How can you solve someone’s problem with it? Look at people who get paid for it. What problem do they solve? What’s their business model? How do they do it?

Take Action!

You have a unique calling from God. Hopefully this exercise has helped you discover it. So take action! Have you identified your calling, but you’re missing either passion, skills, or a livelihood? Stare down your fear and start your God-given adventure today. Tell us in the comments what steps you’re taking to acquire the parts you’re missing. Let’s do this!