Why Everyone, Including Trauma Survivors, Wrongly Blames Trauma Survivors

We have a nasty habit of blaming trauma survivors for the trauma they endured. In the church, outside the church, it makes no difference. We wrongly blame trauma survivors for the trauma perpetrated upon them through no fault of their own.

Yes, unwise choices can put you in a situation where trauma is more likely to occur. But no one deserves trauma. Ever. I don’t care what unwise choices someone has made.

How many times have you heard one of these?

“Dressing like that, she’s just asking to be raped.” No. A thousand times no. No woman deserves to be raped. Ever. I swear, if I hear one more of my Christian brothers say this, I’m going to perpetrate some trauma myself and knock their teeth out. After all, talking like that, they’re just asking for it.

“She must not have been very attentive at home,” said when blaming a wife for her husband’s affair. I’ve actually most often heard this said by other women. No. No wife ever deserves to be cheated on. I don’t care what the situation is. A man’s adultery is no one’s fault but his own. Ever. Jesus died to make that so.

“They must not have been good parents,” said when blaming the people down the street for their teen’s suicide. No. Never. No parent ever deserves to bury their children, whether through intentional or accidental tragedy.

And saddest of all, childhood trauma survivors blame themselves. “It’s my fault my father sexually abused me. There’s something wrong with me.” No. Never true. Yet this response is universal.

Why Do We Do Blame Trauma Survivors?

Why do we blame trauma survivors? Why do trauma survivors blame themselves?

At a trauma seminar, we recently heard Dr. Gabor Mate, author of In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts, give a very logical reason. It’s the safest conclusion.

Which is safer for a victim of childhood trauma to believe?

• The lie: “There’s something wrong with me. It’s my fault this happened.”
• The truth: “I am in the care of a monster. There is something seriously wrong with my dad.”

The lie is actually the safer conclusion! “If it’s my fault, then maybe I have some control over it. If I can just be a better daughter, this won’t happen again.”

Believing the truth, “I’m in the care of a monster. I’ve got no control over when this happens again,” makes the world a very scary, unsafe place.

The lie is actually a psychological defense mechanism used by children so they can survive. But once they’re adults and out of that situation, until that lie is replaced by God’s truth, it can cause untold bad fruit in their lives.

Take the woman whose friend’s husband had an affair. Which is safer to believe?

• The lie: “If she’d just been a better wife, he wouldn’t have cheated on her.”
• The truth: “His affair was not her fault. He made his own choice.”

Or take the example of parents you know whose teen was lost to suicide. Which is safer to believe?

• The lie: “They must be bad parents.”
• The truth: “What a horrible thing to happen to them. No parents deserve to go through that.”

In each case, the lie is a “safer” conclusion to believe. Believing the lie that trauma is the fault of the survivors gives us a feeling of control over our unsafe world.

• “If I’m a good wife, my husband won’t cheat on me.”
• “If we’re good parents, our children will be safe.”

The problem is, it’s only a false feeling of control. We really have very little, if any, control over the unsafe, unredeemed world we live in.

Finding True Security

The truth is, in this unsafe world, our safety is out of our control. The only true security we really have is in the goodness of God. Yet even Jesus did not promise us safety; in fact, he promised the opposite:

“In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” – Jesus (John 16:33)

God’s security is not the absence of trauma or tragedy in this life, but Jesus’ promise to be with us through it.

How to Actually Help

As Christians, we should follow Jesus’ example, and be with each other through trauma.

“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.” — Psalm 23:4

When people are going through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, don’t try to find them an off-ramp. It’s natural to want to pull someone out of the Valley of the Shadow of Death. We mean well. But we can’t pull them out of it. Jesus is calling us to ride with them through it.

Don’t say, “I understand,” even if you’ve been through something similar. That just discounts their feelings. This is not the time to tell your story. This is the time to shut-up and listen. Validate their pain.

We must stop blaming trauma survivors. The world is not a safe place. We need to accept that, yes, it could happen to us too. But God is good, even if it does.

The church of God has to be a safe place. As Jesus’ hands, feet, mouth, and most importantly, heart, to a lost and dying world, we have to get this right. As we learn to be Jesus to the hurting, we teach them to be Jesus to us. After all, no one gets out of this world unscathed. We can do this.

How About You?

Dear Child of God, please tell us your story in the comments, or shoot us an email. You don’t have to be alone. And please share this post if it would bless others.

Resources

If you have experienced trauma (abuse, sexual assault, rape, abortion, or any other trauma), or someone you know has, please seek healing. Here are some Christ-based ministries that might be helpful. If they are not in your area, they may be able to refer you to help that is.

For sexual trauma: Restoration 1:99

For abortion healing: Rachel’s Vineyard

For suicide prevention resources: Cru.org

If you are contemplating suicide, cutting or harming yourself, know the world is better with you in it. We need you.

Please get help by contacting The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.

Talk to someone right now by chatting online or calling 1-800 273-8255.