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How to Walk a Hard Road with 4 Mindsets

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Too often, “how to walk a hard road” isn’t something we talk about enough in Western Christianity. Our life is so comfortable, on the outside at least, that too often we neglect talking about walking hard roads. And yet, although we have freedoms and conveniences, our lives can be just as painful and torn as those suffering in third world countries.

Our favorite TV series, The Chosen, has a scene in Season 1, Episode 8, about 16 minutes into the episode, where Nicodemus and his wife Zohara talk about walking hard roads. They are talking about Hagar, who bore Abraham’s son Ishmael. (You can read the story of Hagar, and how God met with her twice, in Genesis 16:1-16, 17:24-26, and 21:9-21.)

Nicodemus: “Hagar was caught up in something complicated and fraught, but not of her choice. And yet, God saw her, and he knew the path she was forced to take would not be an easy one.”

Zohara: “When we stumble onto hard roads, he finds us and comforts us.”

Nicodemus: “Or does he call us to them?”

Too often in Western Christianity, we approach life with Zohara’s response: It’s God’s job to comfort us in our pain. There is an element of truth to that. God does find us and comfort us. After all, Jesus calls the Holy Spirit the Comforter (John 14:26).

But I think Nicodemus was on to something here. While, yes, God comforts us when we find ourselves on hard roads, often he’s the one calling us to walk the hard road.

But we have a choice. The world gives us a plethora of other alternatives. Plenty of ways to medicate the pain. Plenty of distractions to otherwise occupy our time. Anything to keep us off that hard road God is calling us to and the impact it will have. Because walking our hard road will encourage other to walk theirs.

“A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you.” – Psalm 91:7

One person choosing to walk one hard road shatters ten thousand demonic strongholds for others. While we won’t know the full impact until we see Jesus, our walking our hard road terrifies the Kingdom of Darkness, which does see the effects. They see strongholds they’ve invested generations building up come crashing down in a day, all because one follower of Jesus chose to walk a hard road. That could be you. If you choose to walk your hard road, demons will need therapy. It sucks to be them.

So you matter. Walking the hard road Jesus is calling you to matters. So how do you do it? Here are 4 mindsets to choose while walking a hard road.

1) The “Uncompromising Decision” Mindset

My dad always used to be first in line for birthday cake or whatever other sweets were offered around the office. Until he was diagnosed with diabetes. Then he dropped sweets cold-turkey. People would ask him how he did that so consistently, without cheating at all. He’d answer, “Simple. I can’t have them.”

“100% is easier than 98%” — Benjamin Hardy

Decide. The mindset of uncompromising decision is our primary defense against the world. My dad found that “I can’t have any sweets” was a much easier road to walk than “how many sweets can I have?”

2) The “On Your Face” Mindset

When you’re walking a hard road, I highly recommend lots and lots of facetime before God. No, I’m not talking about the Apple app. I’m talking about physically lying, face-down into the carpet, before the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. This mindset is a posture of the heart (and often of the body) of humility before the Lord.

I was literally on my face before God, crying out for his intervention in my marriage and my family, for at least 18 months. I’d be on the floor in the corner of the room during worship time at church. I’d be on the floor of my office at home in the early morning hours when no one else was awake. I’d park in some distant spot in a remote parking lot during the day, because home wasn’t safe, and pour out my heart to God.

And I eventually saw God move, although not the way I wanted. Everyone has a choice. My wife left. The divorce devastated my children and continues to. It was the worst time in my life. But God was faithful and brought Janet. God has restored my calling, brought tremendous healing, and Janet and I walk out our callings that dove-tail so beautifully together.

3) The “Manage Your Influences” Mindset

After being diagnosed with diabetes, my dad didn’t frequent bakeries. While he could say “no” to sweets offered to him by others, he didn’t put himself in situations where it would be any harder than it had to be.

If you’re struggling with pornography, don’t watch movies with nudity or that glorify sex outside of marriage. Don’t listen to music that glorifies sex outside of marriage or objectifies women.

“The eyes are the window to your soul.” – William Shakespeare

Your senses are the toll booths guarding your heart. Guard your eye gates and ear gates.

If you’re trying to stop smoking, don’t go to the vape shop or hang with friends who smoke. If you’re struggling with alcoholism, don’t go to a bar or hang with friends who drink.

This mindset removes negative influences from your life. This means you might have to let go of certain friends. Ask the Holy Spirit to bring you godly friends who support the hard road you’re walking, instead of trying to pull you off it.

But I’m trying to reach them for Jesus! That’s good, that’s noble. But if they are pulling you back into a sinful lifestyle, you’re not reaching them for Jesus. They are reaching you for Satan, and you need to let them go. Put them in God’s hands, and trust that he will reach out to them through someone else who will not be compromised by them.

There is one relationship you can’t walk away from, and that’s with your spouse. If your spouse is a wet-blanket on your calling, I’ve put together a one-page resource just for you. You can download it here. Let me know if it’s helpful and how we can pray and support you.

Download the Guide
“7 Ways to Deal with a
Wet Blanket Spouse”

4) The “Focus on Eternity” Mindset

This mindset focuses on eternity, knowing that our hard road in this life is only a vapor compared to our eternity with Jesus (James 4:14).

Francis Chan says it much better than I can. Please watch this 4-minute video of The Rope.

So How About It?

What hard road are you walking? How can we support you on it? You’re not the only one, and your story will help others. So please leave a comment, and share this post to bless others.

Use These 3 Guidelines to Speak Up for What’s Right

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Speaking up for what’s right is important. As God’s people, if we don’t speak up for what’s right, we leave the world in a moral vacuum that our enemy is all too happy to fill with deception. Much of the societal decay in the world around us has risen to unprecedented levels because God’s people have been asleep and silent for far too long.

“Silence does not interpret itself.” – Father Pavone, Priests for Life

But it’s not enough to speak up for what’s right. We have to do it the right way. We’ve all heard about “speaking the truth in love” (Ephesians 4:15), but how do we actually do that? Here are 3 guidelines for speaking up for what’s right so we make a difference.

1) Respect

Everyone has the right to choose what they believe, even if we disagree. Everyone owns the consequences of their beliefs, whether they acknowledge it or not. We can tell someone their choices are leading to bad consequences, but we still need to respect their right to choose what they believe. God does this. God respects our choice but expects us to own the consequences (Deuteronomy 30:15-20).

So respect people’s right to disagree. Respect people’s right to be wrong, no matter how much that frustrates us. When speaking to others, whether it’s in-person or on FaceBook, do so with respect:

  • Don’t call them names.
  • Don’t insult them.
  • Don’t respond in kind.
  • Don’t copy the other person’s bad behavior.
  • Check your own spirit for self-righteousness.

The opposite of respect is offense. There is a major spirit of offense over our country right now. Some call it a political spirit. It’s obviously spiritual warfare because when we get offended, we too often go out of our minds, acting and speaking like no loving Jesus-follower should. But, in our minds, offense justifies all of our bad behavior.

No, it really doesn’t. We need to remember to whom we belong, and act like Him and not the pagans.

But Jesus made a whip and called the Pharisees a brood of vipers! Yes, he did (John 2:13-17, Matthew 12:34, Matthew 23:33). But that was a last resort. He didn’t start there. Jesus did many other things as a testimony to the Pharisees first:

  • Sending the cleansed leper to the priests to make the sacrifices Moses commanded (Matthew 8:1-4).
  • Paying his and Peter’s temple tax (Matthew 17:24-27).
  • Healing the man born blind (John 9).
  • Raising Lazarus from the dead (John 11).

I love the story of Jesus’ paying the temple tax for himself and Peter in Matthew 17:24-27. While Jesus makes it clear he doesn’t have to pay the tax, he pays it for himself and for Peter, and says in verse 27, “… so that we may not offend them…” Jesus picked his battles. So should we.

So yes, Jesus called them a brood of vipers. But he also paid the temple tax to not offend them. There is a time for every activity under heaven (Ecclesiastes 3), to offend and not to offend, and the Holy Spirit knows the difference. My counsel is to let the content of our words be the offensive thing, not the way we say them.

2) Uncompromising Truth

We’re not speaking up for what’s right if we’re not speaking the truth. My heart breaks when I think about entire Christian denominations that have compromised with the world in condoning abortion, homosexuality, and transgenderism. Janet & I pray often for God to open their eyes and send them a spirit of repentance. While sincerely wanting to love people, they are doing so much damage.

People engage in these behaviors because of pain in their lives. God wants to heal that pain. But when we compromise with the world by not calling sinful behaviors the sin that they are, we slam the door of God’s healing in people’s faces. You don’t need healing if nothing’s wrong, do you?

3) Not Being Controlled by the Fear of the Other’s Reaction

When we know we’re saying something the other person doesn’t want to hear, it’s perfectly normal to fear their reaction. There’s nothing wrong with being afraid. The problem comes when we let that fear control us. It’s amazing how much of our actions, and reactions, are actually governed by fear, although we generally don’t realize it.

Many times I’ve been screamed at by dysfunctional family members, “You said that because you knew it would upset me!” Yes, I did know it would upset them, and believe me, I fear someone being upset with me. (I die a thousand deaths before a confrontation!) But that’s not why I said it. I said it because it needed to be said. It was an issue between us that needed to be addressed. And I won’t be bullied out of addressing it any longer.

Here are two litmus tests to discover that we are being controlled by fear.

(1) Silence. When something’s wrong and we don’t speak up, we’re being controlled by fear. We’re afraid of offending the other person. Or of their anger. Or of damaging the relationship. Frankly, if the relationship is in a state where telling the truth will damage it, it needs to be “damaged,” because it’s not healthy the way it is.

Remember Father Pavone’s quote at the top of this post: “Silence does not interpret itself.” Whatever issues we are silent about, we condone.

Confrontation is a godly skill that can be learned through practice. I highly recommend the book “Keep Your Love On” by Danny Silk (Amazon affiliate link) for more on this topic.

(2) Control. When we try to control the other person’s reaction, we’re being controlled by fear. Here are some common behaviors designed to control the other person’s reaction. Do you recognize any of these?

  • Shaming them for disagreeing.
  • Bullying them into agreement.
  • Waiting to talk rather than listening.
  • Monopolizing the conversation.
  • Trying to win the argument instead of connecting to their heart.

As Jesus-followers, fear has no place in our lives. Or shouldn’t. Our entire Christian walk boils down to replacing fear-based behaviors with faith-based behaviors. Faith trusts the other person to God and does not let fear of their reaction control us.

Your Turn

So how about you? Is this helpful? How have people spoken into your life that’s made a difference? Did they follow these guidelines? Tell us your story in the comments, and please share this post to bless others.

2 Simple Words to Defeat the Bullies

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No one likes to be bullied. Yet in our modern, sophisticated world, our enemy’s primary method of controlling the people of God is bullying. The church has been bullied into compliance for far too long. The good news is, whether it’s a personal bully or a societal one, like an unrighteous government, there are two, simple, one syllable words that defeat a bully. “Yes” and “no.”

“Yes, I’m going to do this because God’s calling me to it, come what may.”

“No, I’m not going to do that because it’s wicked, come what may.”

A Litmus Test to Know You’re Being Bullied

These two words draw a line in the sand. Bullies hate that. Bullies try to force you into the world of “maybe.”

“Ok, maybe I can do that…”

“Ok, maybe we’ll wait a little longer before doing that…”

If a bully can force you into a “maybe” when you really want to say “yes” or “no,” they’ve won. They are controlling you. And that’s the litmus test to know that you’re being bullied: If your mouth says “maybe” while your spirit is screaming “yes” or “no,” then you are being bullied.

Stand up to them and say the “yes” or “no” your spirit longs to say, come what may. This is what bravery and courage looks like in our first world culture.

“Yes” and “No” Made the Sermon on the Mount

This concept made the Sermon on the Mount. Recorded in Matthew chapters 5, 6 , and 7, this was early in Jesus’ ministry, before strong opposition forced him to speak more and more in parables. In the Sermon on the Mount, although it still has parables for illustration, Jesus teaches about the Kingdom of God very plainly. He said this about saying “yes” and “no.”

“All you need to say is simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything beyond this comes from the evil one.” – Jesus, Matthew 5:37

Now, to be fair, Jesus was talking here about always telling the truth and not needing to take an oath to be believed. But there’s a principle here. Say “yes.” Say “no.” And stand behind your answer, come what may.

In the Fiery Furnace

We all know the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego (or Rack, Shack & Benny if you’re into Veggie Tales) and the fiery furnace in Daniel 3.

King Nebuchadnezzar set up a massive golden image, and demanded everyone worship it when the music played. Penalty for non-compliance was being burned alive in a furnace.

Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego refused and were narked on by their jealous colleagues. Being the reasonable man he was, King Nebuchadnezzar assumed it was all a misunderstanding and gave them another chance to show their compliance. I love their answer, recorded in Daniel 3:16-18.

“King Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the fiery furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand. But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.” – Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego (Daniel 3:16-18)

I love that. “Our God can save us, but even if he doesn’t, we want you to know we’re not worshiping your idol.” Translation: They said “no.”

The Bully King blew a gasket. Bullies hate a solid “yes” or “no.” It takes away all their power.

And because of their solid “no,” come what may, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, along with King Nebuchadnezzar, experienced one of the greatest saves by God recorded in the entire Bible. Their uncompromising “no” was the catalyst for the mighty move of God in their lives.

When we compromise our “yes” or our “no” because we’re afraid of the bully in front of us, we compromise God’s ability to work in our lives. What mighty move of God is not happening in your life right now because of a compromised “yes” or “no”?

Bullying Outdoor Diners

In the summer of 2020, a disturbing video came out showing a large crowd of protestors surrounding and shouting at outdoor diners at a restaurant in downtown Washington, DC. The protestors wanted the diners to make a gesture of solidarity with their cause.

All the diners complied, except two. One couple silently refused. They kept their eyes locked on each other, being each other’s anchor of strength in what must have been an ocean of fear. They didn’t say a word as the protestors got in their face, screaming at them to make the gesture.

The spiritual warfare going on became obvious when a lead protestor started shouting at them, “Why won’t you do it? Are you Christians? Is that why you won’t do it?” I thought, wow. I think that protestor realized true Christians, once they decide to stand, cannot be bullied, and it would only make the protestors look worse to continue trying. So the crowd moved on.

Governments Bullying Churches

Worshipping Jesus without government interference should be a no-brainer.

Yes, nobody wants to get coronavirus. Social distancing, not passing collection plates, individual communion elements, wearing masks in common areas are all good ideas. Covid-19 is a real thing, and we all want to be safe.

But nobody tells us we can’t gather together and worship our God, even if we have to do it in our cars or virtually. Especially while the same government allows liquor stores and abortion centers to remain open. Especially while these same governors are photographed at their social events without masks or social distancing.

There may come a time when Christian practice is outlawed for “public safety.” This has been done before.

Nero burned down Rome, blamed the Christians, and persecuted them as domestic terrorists. If the media said in-person church services were responsible for spreading a deadly virus, whether it was true or not, would many communities have mobs burning down churches “for the public safety”?

We could be closer to that nightmare scenario than many of us realize. In that event, are we prepared to still tell the government, “yes,” we will continue to worship our God? If that time comes, we’ll have a lot to learn from our brothers and sisters in China.

Your Turn

How have you stood up to bullies? Did it involve saying “yes” or “no” and sticking with it? Tell us your story in the comments, and please share this post to encourage others.

Why Good Friends Don’t Accept You Just the Way You Are

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What do you want in your friends? What makes a good friend? Many people would answer, “A good friend accepts you just the way you are.”

I beg to differ. That’s not a friend.

Both your local waiter and the cashier at your gas station accept you just the way you are. Because they don’t care about you. As long as you leave a good tip or pay for your gas with a good attitude, they’re fine with you. They really don’t care if you’re hurting yourself. A good friend does.

A good friend receives you just the way you are, not accepts you just the way you are.

A good friend receives you just the way you are. But they won’t accept your self-destructive behaviors, and they don’t want you to accept theirs.

We Don’t Accept Self-Destructive Behavior in People We Love

The world has this very confused. The world says, “love is love,” meaning any sexual relationship is acceptable if the people involved love each other. But that’s simply not true. Far too many churches, some whole denominations, have compromised on this point to gain the favor and acceptance of the world.

The world’s definition of “love” is not saying boo to anybody about what they do or how they live. But that’s not love. That’s indifference. Indifference (not hatred) is the opposite of love.

There are forces in the culture trying to bully us into accepting sexually immoral lifestyles as normal in the name of love. They do so, not because they love the people involved, but so that they get votes and cling to power. Once firmly entrenched in power, they will enslave the very people who voted for them.

Faithful are the wounds of a friend; but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful. (Proverbs 27:6)

Love is shouting, “Stop! You’re hurting yourself! Don’t do that!” Not out of legalism or religion, but out of an identification with the deep harm and pain the person is causing themselves.

The world hates Christians for this. Christians should be passionate for sexual integrity and purity – sex reserved for one man and one woman inside a marriage relationship.

Think about it – most of the lawlessness we see in our society today comes from fatherlessness, which is a direct result of sexual immorality.

To truly love people the way Jesus did, we need to be willing to tell them their lifestyle is self-destructive. Now please hear me. I’m not saying beat anybody over the head with your 97-pound Scofield Reference Bible. We need to be wise, which usually means being gentle, but sometimes not. But being wise always means being led by the Holy Spirit, communicating in a way the other person can understand. Whether they receive it or not is on them.

Good Wisdom from a Lousy Movie

Remember the movie Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull with Harrison Ford, Karen Allen, and Shia LeBeouf? Indiana Jones (played by Harrison Ford, of course) runs into his ex from Raiders of the Lost Ark, Marion Ravenwood (played by Karen Allen). She’s remarried and has a son (played by Shia LeBeouf).

Indiana talks to the boy who’s complaining about the rigorous education his mother tried to force on him, and how his dropping out of school has strained their relationship. Indiana Jones assures the boy school’s really no big deal. When Indiana sees Marion, he tells her to lighten up on the boy. After all, school’s not for everyone.

Marion tells Indiana the boy is actually his son. After he picks his jaw up off the floor, the first thing out of Indiana’s mouth is, “Why didn’t you make him stay in school?!?”

While a humorous scene in a silly movie, it illustrates a deeper point. When the boy was somebody else’s kid, Indiana Jones couldn’t care less about him, and just wanted him to be comfortable and happy. Primarily because that made life easier for Indiana Jones. Who wants to deal with somebody else’s problems?

But as soon as the young man was his son, well, suddenly, that’s different. Now he cares about what’s ultimately best for the boy, not just what brings happiness at this moment.

Good Parents Don’t Accept Just Anything

I have heard so many of my fellow parents say, “I just want my daughter (or son) to be happy).” I’m not a violent man, but when people say that, I just want to smack them.

“Don’t you love your child?” I want to scream at them. “Why on earth would you just want your child to be happy?”

There are so many more important things for your child to be than happy. What about maturity? What about loving God? What about self-sufficient? What about giving? What about being a person of character? None of those things are built into a person’s life by happiness, but by hard work, sacrifice, and choosing delayed gratification.

Honestly, if you just want your child to be happy, let him live with you in your basement playing video games until you die. We all know those people, and we pity them. Their parents have crippled their children for life.

Not Accepting and Controlling Are 2 Different Things

Not accepting self-destructive behavior doesn’t mean trying to control or manipulate the person into making good choices. It is their life and they have to live it and be responsible for it. Not accepting self-destructive behavior does not mean that we don’t honor their right to choose.

We need to let our children live their own adventure.

Not accepting self-destructive behavior means we speak up. For God’s sake, speak up! From a place of relationship, not legalism, we speak up. Put as many disclaimers on it as you want to soften the blow, but speak up. Tell your friend, or your family member if you have the relationship to do so, that they are harming themselves, or about to.

That’s your responsibility as a good friend, or a parent, or family. What they do with it is up to them. So we speak up, but we still honor their right to choose.

It’s Not about the Behavior. It’s about the Wounding.

Remember also that the real issue with self-destructive behavior, whether it’s addictions or sexual immorality, isn’t the behavior itself. It’s the hidden wounding causing the behavior. That’s what we need to get to. Get the person’s wounding healed, and the behavior will take care of itself.

That’s why so many people who quit smoking gain weight. The addiction just pops up somewhere else because the underlying wound was never dealt with.

That’s why legalizing same-sex marriage and normalizing transgender is so destructive in our society. These people are deeply wounded, to the extent that even their sexual attraction and gender identity are confused.

But our society puts a band-aid on their bleeding emotional artery and says, “No, you’re fine! No problem here.” And so we deny them the healing Jesus wants to give them. That is not love.

We need to love people enough to tell them the truth. In love, with all the disclaimers you want, but still the truth. With a spoonful of sugar maybe, but not watered down. Are you willing?

Your Turn

Has someone spoken into your life something that you initially resented, but later respected and appreciated them for? Or maybe you’ve taken the risk to share something the other person really needed to hear that you knew may not be well received? Tell us your story in the comments. And please share this post if it would bless others.

MLK’s 6 Keys of Nonviolence the Church Needs to Learn

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Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., changed the world. Pure and simple. MLK is an American hero on par with George Washington and Abraham Lincoln.

In his 1958 book Stride for Freedom, MLK outlines 6 key principles of nonviolence. These are all Christian principles found in scripture. This post is based on a summary of this work published online here by the Martin Luther King, Jr. Research and Education Institute of Stanford University online encyclopedia.

The Church needs to relearn these 6 key strategies and practice them, whether we’re debating on FaceBook or protesting injustice at a rally. We can’t defeat the world by fighting with the world’s weapons.

1) Resist Evil without Resorting to It

Fighting fire with fire just makes a big fire. The Apostle Paul understood this.

“The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds.” — Apostle Paul, 2 Corinthians 10:4

So often, even in the Old Testament in actual warfare, God had a strategy for his people that made no sense.

  • “Joshua, march around Jericho blowing trumpets.” (Joshua 5:13-6:27)
  • “You have too many men, Gideon. Lose 99% of them. Of your 32,000 men, only fight with 300 of them.” (Judges 7:1-8)
  • “Don’t fight at all, Jehoshaphat, just go pick up the plunder.” (2 Chronicles 20:1-25)

So while conventional wisdom often offers good strategies, the Holy Spirit always has the best strategies.

For example, in the pro-life movement, actually killing abortion doctors is wrong. Although some misguided individuals have done that, you can’t defeat legalized murder in our society by committing murder yourself.

The Holy Spirit had a much better strategy with life tape. Pro-life protestors would simply stand with red tape over their mouths with the word “LIFE” written on it, silently praying, symbolically standing for the lives of those who could not speak up for themselves.

2) Understand, Not Humiliate, Your Opponent

While our opponent is talking, if we take the time to actually listen, instead of just waiting to talk, we often get the key to turn opponents into allies. Solomon understood this. We state our case; we think we’re right. But then the other person speaks. There’s another side.

“In a lawsuit the first to speak seems right, until someone comes forward and cross-examines.” – Solomon, Proverbs 18:17

So often when we face unrighteous opposition, it comes from people motivated by fear. Listening to them to understand their fear goes a long way.

We can then acknowledge their, often, legitimate fear. At that point, we’re no longer an enemy in their eyes. We understand! Now we can show them another way to mitigate that fear. Having taken the time to understand, we have their ear.

Think of it this way. Before you can take someone to your bus stop, you have to go pick them up at theirs.

3) Evil Is the Problem, Not the People Committing It

Again, Dr. King brilliantly understood something straight from scripture.

“For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” – Apostle Paul, Ephesians 6:12

The godless world believes that we, as the people of God, are the enemy. But we know that people trapped in godless deceptions are not the enemy. The demonic forces of evil in the heavenly realms are the enemy.

Therefore, we can truly love our enemies, because we know those people are not our real enemy, although they are deceived and being used by the enemy. They are prisoners-of-war, and our charter is to set them free, not conquer them.

4) Suffer without Retaliation

Dr. King exemplified this principle. He was willing to go to jail, and did, but did not retaliate. He didn’t lead a mob to burn down the jail or the police station that unrighteously arrested him.

He stood his ground and took the consequences, unrighteous as they were. Such action moved heaven on his behalf.

“I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also. And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well. If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles.” – Jesus, Sermon on the Mount, Matthew 5:39-41

That’s crazy talk! But it works.

I had a friend who, in high school, got beat up by a bully. Afterward, driving away from the school in his air-conditioned car on a hot day in California, he saw the bully walking home, sweating and carrying a ton of books. He slowed, rolled down his window, and asked if the bully wanted a ride.

The bully at first thought my friend was mocking him, but was blown away when he realized my friend was serious. He gladly accepted the ride, asking my friend, “Why are you doing this?!?”

“You looked like you needed a ride,” my friend answered. They were close friends from that day forward.

5) Avoid Both External and Internal Violence

Dr King understood that external violence starts with internal hatred.

“The nonviolent resister not only refuses to shoot his opponent, but he also refuses to hate him.” – Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr, Stride for Freedom

This is a Biblical principle. Jesus said, “Out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks” (Luke 6:45). All actions and words, good or bad, start in the heart. To put it another way, our actions and words are the fruit, but the root causing the fruit, good or bad, is in our hearts.

Yes, bad behavior needs to be addressed. But to get to the real issue, we need to go past that to the heart. As the people of God, we should be the experts at this. I pray that we continue to grow into that place.

6) Hope

I love this one. Dr King expressed it by writing in his book Stride for Freedom that we must have a “deep faith in the future” because “the universe is on the side of justice”.

Despair is the devil‘s playground.

As the people of God, we have the hope the world desperately needs, even though they don’t realize it. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him (Romans 8:28).

As the people of God, if we forget our hope and give ourselves over to despair, we will do and say things that are counter-productive, playing right into the enemy’s hand.

The hope we have in Jesus is far stronger than the fear our enemy propagates. And, at the end of the day, it’s hope that gives us pause. It reminds us to stop and ask the Holy Spirit for his strategy. And it gives us the patience, fortitude, and wisdom to carry out those divine strategies, no matter how bleak or hopeless it looks in the natural.

Our hope in Jesus is our unshakable, unstoppable, and undefeatable secret weapon.

Your Turn

Did this post resonate? What do you think? Share your thoughts, experiences, and insights with us in the comments, and please share this post to bless others.

How to Hear God Like Your Radio

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Hearing God in your life is a lot like listening to the radio. In order listen to your radio, you’ve got to 3 things. You’ve got to turn it on. Then you’ve got to tune it in to the station you want. Then you’ve got to set your volume—turn it up! Listening to God in your life regularly is a lot like that. Here’s how it works.

Turn It On with Faith

Faith turns your radio on. Without faith that God actually can, will, and wants to speak to us, we’re not going to hear anything.

Without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.

Hebrews 11:6

I hear non-Christians say all the time, “Yeah, right, Christian, I’d believe in God too if he talked to me. But I’ve never heard him.” It doesn’t work that way. Of course they’ve never heard him. Their radio’s off! They have no faith.

The station can be broadcasting at full power, but if you’re radio’s off, you’re not hearing it. The exciting adventure of hearing God in your life all starts with faith.

Tune It In with Consistency

Personally, I listen to 91.9 FM, WGTS, one of our local Christian music stations here in the Washington, DC, area. I also listen to 107.7 FM, WWWT, for news. Say my radio is set on 107.7, and I want to listen to some Christian music, not news. So I turn on my radio, and all I get is news. Then I get mad at WGTS. “Why don’t they broadcast? Why can’t I hear Christian music like everyone else can? I’ve been listening all day!”

You’d probably say to me, “You goof! You’ve got your radio set to the wrong station. Tune-in to 91.9.” And you’d be right. There’s nothing wrong with WGTS; they’ve been broadcasting just fine. The problem’s with me. I’ve got my radio set to the wrong station.

I’m not going to hear the Christian music station if my radio is set to the news station. Duh! That’s pretty obvious. None of us would really do that with radio stations, webinars, or Pandora. But we do it all the time with God. We think he’s not speaking to us when in fact he’s speaking all the time. We’re just not tuned-in to his frequency. So how do we tune-in to God’s frequency?

Consistency. We are listening to whatever spiritual radio station we consistently spend our time at.

If we consistently watch secular TV shows or movies, where godless behavior (like sex outside of marriage) and lifestyles (like LGBTQ) are portrayed as good and acceptable, we’ve tuned into the world’s frequency. We’ll have no discernment when it comes to elections or other important things in life. We’re deceived by the spirit of the age because that’s the frequency we’ve tuned our spirits in to.

But if we consistently spend our time with God, in worship, reading his word (the Bible), listening to teachings, meditating on him, we’re tuned in to his spirit.

I’m not saying don’t watch TV or movies or listen to secular music. I am saying filter what you watch and listen to through the Holy Spirit. I don’t care how funny or hip it is, if it’s portraying godless behavior and lifestyles as good, desirable, and acceptable, then watching it is harming your relationship with Jesus. And hence it degrades your ability to hear God.

If you want to hear God, tune into Heaven’s station, not Hell’s. You are tuned into the station you spend the most consistent time with. Simple.

Turn It Up with Focus

Now that your radio is turned on and tuned in, we just need to turn it up. The volume on your spiritual radio is focus. Here are 3 specific things you can do to focus your life on Jesus so you can hear God better. I’m sure you can think of many more.

1) Baptism. If you haven’t been baptized since making Jesus your Lord and Savior, then it’s a great thing to do. It’s a public declaration of dedicating your life to Jesus. Going under the water and coming back up again is symbolic of dying to the world and being alive to God.

2) Communion. This has different names in different denominations, like the Lord’s supper or the Eucharist. It’s like coming over to your parent’s house for dinner. You don’t do it to check a box (hopefully), but to spend time with them. Communion is dinner at God’s house. It’s a special activity with a community of other believers where the veil between Heaven and Earth is thinner. Taking communion regularly with the community of God’s people is a great way to turn up your spiritual radio.

3) Fasting is taking the time you would have spent doing something, and instead spending that time with God. Fasting food is the most common, taking the time you would’ve spent preparing, cooking, and eating and giving that time to the Lord. But if you’re diabetic, pregnant, or have some other medical condition where your doctor advises against it, do not fast food.

There are lots of other things you can fast besides food. Fasting TV or media is excellent. Again, it’s not just not watching. It’s taking the time you would’ve spent watching and spending that time with the Lord. You can fast sports. You can fast video games. You can fast just about anything.

Pro Tip: It’s usually best to set a well-defined timeframe at the beginning, like “I’m going to fast sports for 2 weeks.” It’ll be easier if you’re clear about the duration up front.

Don’t you feel special when your spouse or special someone sets aside time just for you? God loves fasting, and will often meet you at a deeper level in that place.

So There You Have It

You turn your spiritual radio on with faith that God will actually talk to you. You tune in to his frequency with consistently spending time with him more than spending time on things of the world that detract from him. And you turn your volume up by focusing your life on God. Three great ways to do that are baptism, communion, and fasting.

Your Turn

Where are you at in your spiritual journey? Do you hear God regularly? Are you hungry for more? Do you identify with what we’ve talked about in this post? Tell us your story and thoughts in the comments, and please share if this would bless someone else.

How to End the Disconnect between Our Head Knowledge and Our Lives

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There’s a deception going around the Body of Christ that breaks my heart. We have seen so many lives ruined because people believe this lie. To some degree or another, this lie is at the start of every deceptive road a Christian goes down.

“I Know It’s Sin, But I’ll Be Ok”

Abortion-minded clients come into our local crisis pregnancy center and identify as Christians. Even after seeing an ultra-sound, sometimes they leave still determined to have an abortion, saying, “I know it’s a sin, but I’ll be ok.”

That breaks my heart. But I see it all over the place in the Body of Christ. It’s our favorite line to justify our sin, whether it’s abortion, pornography, or cheating on taxes.

Does any Christian man doing porn really not know it’s sin? I doubt it. Does any Christian couple living together, acting like they’re married without really being married, not know it’s sin? I doubt it.

So, why? There are many reasons, many ways to get caught in a web of deception. But they all have an element of, “I know it’s sin, but I’ll be ok.”

No, You Won’t Be Ok. You’ll Be Alive, But You Will Not Be Ok.

It’s like saying, “I can cut my arm off. Everybody’s doing it. Lefty is the new cool. I’ll be ok.”

No, you won’t be ok. You’ll survive, you’ll still be alive, but you’ll be far from ok. Just think about this absurd example of actually cutting your arm off. You’d never be able to tie your own shoes or cut your own meat.

“But all my shoes have Velcro and I’m going vegan.” You’re missing the point. You can try to mitigate the consequences however you want, but life will never be the same. Sin destroys. You will not be ok.

“No One Will Know:” An Example from a King Who Was Not Ok

Look at King David. His sin, “secret” adultery with Bathsheba, did not leave him ok. He probably thought, “Look at that hottie taking a bath. I’ll bring her over to the palace for a quickie. No one will know. Yeah, I know it’s sin, but I’ll be ok.”

Yes, he was forgiven. Psalm 51 is a beautiful picture of David’s repentance. And God was with him through all his subsequent troubles, including having his daughter raped, 4 sons die, including running for his life from his own son, whose death he had to pretend to celebrate. David was far from ok. (You can read the whole story in 2 Samuel 11 through 1 Kings 2.)

The Problem: A Disconnect between Our Head Knowledge and Our Lives

We show what we really believe by how we live. If we say we believe something, but don’t live it out, we don’t really believe it.

We go to church every Sunday. We read the Bible. We’ve accepted Jesus as our personal Savior. But when it comes to situations in our life, do we give ourselves a bye on what we know is right?

Do we risk following Jesus and doing it God’s way when it’s our own life? If not, we don’t really believe it.

Intellectual assent is not Christianity. The only person we’re fooling is ourselves.

The Solution: 3 Choices

There is a solution. It’s a series of 3 choices we, as the Body of Christ, need to make.

Choice #1: Repent of Our Idolatry

“I know it’s sin, but I’ll be ok.” That’s idolatry at the deepest level. It’s not ok, and you won’t be ok. Although God will be with you through the consequences, God’s grace is not a license to sin. The book of Romans was written to address this fallacy.

We cannot tolerate any secret sin within ourselves. We notice it, and we cry out to God in repentance until he removes it. We design our life to keep us away from that thing as much as possible.

You get the idea. Repentance isn’t just tears and confession, although confession is certainly part of it and tears often come. Until we make a practical life change, we haven’t really repented.

Choice #2: Speak & Teach the Hard Truths

I went to a church for many years where, in his sermon every Sunday, the pastor wove in something about sexual integrity, tithing, or TV. Even if it was just a sentence, it was there. Every. Single. Sunday.

As churches, we need to stop taking for granted that people know how to live righteously. Even people in the church, who have been Christians a long time, often don’t. And it’s our fault for assuming they do and not regularly teaching on it.

As Christians, we are God’s voice of love to the world. It’s not love to watch destructive life styles devastate people and not say anything. The world desperately needs us to speak the truth in love.

“Silence does not interpret itself.” – Father Frank Pavone, Priests for Life

When the church doesn’t regularly teach about practical righteousness, or when Christians don’t speak up about what we know is wrong, we’re leaving our friends and children to the influence of the world.

Choice #3: Trusting God: Prepare to Die

One of my favorite memes is from the movie The Princess Bride: “Hello. My name is Indigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.”

If we’re really serious about being Christians, and not just playing church, we need to live this version: “Hello. My name is Jesus. You follow me. Prepare to die. To yourself.”

(NOTE: I’m not talking about suicide here or being martyred, or giving up on life. I’m talking about living the life God’s calling us to live, dying to our own selfish desires that don’t honor God.)

When disaster strikes, we need to be prepared to follow God’s ways no matter what. Because in the heat of the moment, the lie is, “If you do it God’s way, it’ll kill you.” And in the heat of the moment, we believe it. From where we stand, looking at this mountain in front of us, it looks true.

And maybe it really is. Ok then. Time to test our belief in the afterlife. Here we die.

The truth is, even if we actually die following God, that’s not really dying. You just passed the test and now are in glory. Small price to pay, looking back on it from the other side.

But the truth also is, the vast majority of the time, you won’t die. God will come through. And not trusting God, doing it our own way, actually brings the disaster we tried to avoid.

Your Turn

What are your thoughts? Tell us your story in the comments. Did this post strike a nerve? Or did it resonate? And please share if others need to read this post.

How to Move from Scarcity to Abundance

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Janet and I were at a local restaurant recently. The waiter wasn’t complaining, but it’d been a really lousy Sunday. He was struggling with some things in his personal life, his customers had been grouchy, and he really needed the money he didn’t get it in tips that day. It was his worst shift ever.

It’s well-known in the restaurant business that the Sunday after-church crowd is the stingiest and most demanding crowd of the week. Ask any waiter or waitress you know. These are largely Christians going out after church, still dressed in their Sunday best. We are the most demanding customers and the worst tippers.

This breaks my heart. We give a false testimony of the Kingdom of God when we act like this. We should be the most generous people on the planet, not the stingiest. We should be the most easy-going customers, not the most demanding. Servers should be fighting for the Sunday afternoon shift instead of dreading it.

After the waiter took our order and left the table, Janet and I decided we wanted to make his day. We wanted to bless him. We wanted to turn his day around and make it his best shift ever. So after our $30 meal, we left him a $100 tip. And it hurt financially. I can’t afford to be doing that all the time. But it felt really good because we obeyed the Holy Spirit.

The next time we went in that restaurant, he ran over to our table. He shared his life with us and we had his ear. We told him about the hope Jesus wants to bring to his life. That was $100 well spent.

We’ve actually done this twice. The other time the waiter chased us out into the parking lot to let us know we made a mistake. When we told him it wasn’t a mistake, he was blown away. That was really fun. That waiter also had had a really depressing shift, and we were his last patrons of the evening, and we really made his day.

I’m not patting ourselves on the back here. But I am consciously trying to be more generous with my tipping as a general rule. As royalty, as sons and daughters of the King of kings and the Lord of lords, who has infinite resources, shouldn’t we be the most generous people on the planet?

A standard tip is 18%. I’ve typically tipped 20%, not because I’m being generous, but because 20% is easier to calculate. I can calculate 10% in my head, just shift the decimal point, and then double it for 20%. Easy. And I feel good about myself because it’s more than 18%. The Holy Spirit has shown me recently that it’s all been about my convenience and feeling good about myself, not about blessing the server. So I’m upping my standard tip to 30% to overtly bless the server. Honestly, it hurts. But being more like Jesus is worth it.

What about when you get lousy service and they don’t deserve it? Tip them more. You’ve got the awesome opportunity to demonstrate the unconditional love of God. Think about it. Which is more likely to portray Jesus in a good light:

Option A: When our service is really lousy, make a point and a political statement by leaving a 1 penny tip. (Confession time: I’m not proud of it, but I’ve actually done this. I justified it by thinking if they don’t know something’s wrong, they can’t correct it. So I was really serving them by holding them accountable. Boy, they were sure lucky to have me as a patron that night! Not! Who did I think I was fooling? It may have been myself, but it sure wasn’t the Holy Spirit.)

Option B: Saying to them, “I can tell you’ve had a rough night tonight, so we left you a little extra, because God is for you and wants to bless you.” And then leaving them a lot extra.

Flip it around. Think of the equivalent situation on your job. You screw up. How do you want your employer and co-workers to respond to you? Which one of us doesn’t want something similar to Option B? Then we need to be Option B to the rest of the world. That’s being salt and light.

Generosity is a trademark of the Kingdom of God. It’s the easiest form of evangelism. You don’t have to knock on doors, just leave big tips. If we can bless people into the Kingdom of God, can you think of a better use for money? I can’t.

Bringing someone into the Kingdom is giving Jesus the reward for his suffering. Whoa! That’s a mind blow. So we’re using a temporal resource and reaping an eternal reward. Talk about return on investment!

The opposite of generosity is hoarding. Hoarding comes from a scarcity mindset. “There’s not enough to go around, so I need to protect what I have!” But the Kingdom mindset is one of abundance. We have plenty to share, even if we can’t see it all yet. We know our God will make more. Look what Jesus did with the loaves and fishes, feeding thousands with a small boy’s lunch. This is such an important concept all 4 gospels cover it (Matthew 14, Mark 16, Luke 9, and John 6).

We problem is, when we get saved, we bring our worldly scarcity mindset with us into the Kingdom. Actually, it’s not a problem, it’s natural. We all do it. It’s so ingrained in us we take it for granted and don’t even realize there’s another way to live. The problem is when we hang on to that mindset and refuse to be teachable. That’s a problem. The trick is to replace the scarcity mindset with an abundance mindset.

The best way is just start giving. As both spiritual and physical beings, what we do with our body affects our spirit. So it’s ok to start being generous even if our heart’s not in it yet. One of two things will happen:

  1. Our heart will follow along shortly once we get the hang of it and start to experience the abundance of God’s provision when we’re generous. It’s fun to try and out-give God. It’s a game that’s really awesome to lose!
  2. God will reveal our wounding. Maybe that scarcity mindset is rooted in something deeper. Maybe we have foundational lies God wants to deal with. Maybe we internally believe lies we don’t even know are there but are blocking the abundance of the Kingdom of God in our lives. God wants to heal those areas by replacing the lies with his truth.

The cool thing is, generosity is a way we can overtly practice and show our Christianity without offending anyone! Believe me, even the most hardened atheist won’t be offended if you give him money. When we’re generous, it gets people’s attention, because we’re doing something they can’t. And we’re joyful about it! Radical giving is actually really fun. We’re showing people something outside their normal paradigm and it rocks their world.

What are some practical ways we can be generous? Here’s some ideas I’ve experienced.

  • Leave big tips. However much you normally tip, up it by 10% for 30 days and see what happens. Who’s up for the 30-Day Tip Challenge?
  • The car ahead of me paid my toll once on the interstate (before EZ Pass). It was only 75 cents, but it felt really good! After that, I often paid the toll for several cars behind me.
  • A local Christian radio station in our area frequently has a campaign where they encourage people in the drive-through lane at fast-food places to pay the bill of the car behind them. Brilliant!
  • A church I was at did free car washes. People were blown away. “Why are you doing this?” they would ask. “Just to bless you.” That’s it. No tract, no hype, no hard-sell. A lot of people came to our church through that, and we weren’t even trying. It hurt giving up a Saturday, but it was fun because the Holy Spirit loved it.

I’m sure you can think of many other practical ways to be generous. Post them in the comments! And please share this post on social media if you think it would help someone else.

How to be a Coach Not a Rescuer, and How to Tell the Difference

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As Christians, we all want to be helpful. We’ve experienced the blessing of sacrificing for another person. Unlike the world, most Christians I know really aren’t in it for themselves. We genuinely care about the communities we’re a part of, and we’re willing to sacrifice if it will contribute to the greater good.

We long to be like Jesus. That whole cross thing was pretty helpful, saving the world and all. It sure changed my life, as well as the entire trajectory of the world.

So while we all want to be helpful, it turns out there’s a good helpful and a bad helpful. It can be hard to tell the difference sometimes because often they look exactly the same, from the outside at least. But the inner motivation is different, and over time you can see the fruit on the outside also. 

The Bad Helpful — Rescuers

Rescuers have to be helpful. Of course being helpful is good in and of itself, but with rescuers there is something else going on. Rescuers get their value from helping. That’s why they have to. It’s really not about the person they’re helping at all. It’s all about the rescuer and how it makes them feel.

And actually, there’s even something deeper going on — the inner heart motivation. Rescuers are driven by fear. While looking great on the outside, they’re actually terrified of becoming a victim. “If I’m rescuing a victim, I must not be one, right?”

At first, the rescuer and the victim are thrilled to have found each other. The victim feels safe that someone is finally helping them. And we, as the rescuer, feel all good and warm and fuzzy inside; we feel valued. Nothing wrong with that, per se. But it goes off the rails as soon as the rescuer actually expects something of the victim.

The solution to every problem in life requires us, at some level, to tell ourselves “no.”

The victim is unwilling to tell themselves “no,” at least not the “no” that would lead out of the problem. They’re unwilling to give up the lifestyle or the addiction or whatever is causing the problem. They just want the pain to go away. 

So when we, as the rescuer, require something of them, they turn on us. “Hey, I thought you were supposed to be helping me!” We’ve suddenly become the new persecutor, and the poor victim searches for a new rescuer.

Meanwhile, we, playing the misunderstood rescuer, feel frustrated that all our good advice is going to waste. “I only wanted to help!” We feel devalued because we got emotionally attached to the solution. Since we’re getting our value from solving their problem, when our solution gets rejected, so do we.

Acting as rescuers, our worst comes out. We control and manipulate to force our advice and help into being accepted, because our value is on the line. 

This sounds strange, but when we pop into rescuer mode, we’re actually giving away our power over our own life. Because our value is now in the hands of someone else accepting or rejecting our advice. So when our advice is rejected, it’s off to find another victim to validate us by accepting our advice, letting us control their situation and solve their problem. 

The Good Helpful — Coaches

On the other hand, coaches are the good helpful. Unlike rescuers who have to be helpful, coaches are available to be helpful. 

While rescuers look at the landscape and seek poor victims who won’t make it without them, coaches don’t see victims at all. They see creators who have forgotten who they are. 

In the midst of the storm, people can feel pretty powerless, at the mercy of forces they can’t control. And while this world is full of forces one can’t control, in every situation one can still do something. Coaches restore people’s power with one, simple, empowering question: “What are you going to do?”

As a good coach, if the other person is open to it, we can still offer advice. But we always ask first. There’s no point trying to solve a problem the other person says they don’t have. 

But even when offering advice, coaches are not emotionally attached to the solution. When we’re in coach mode, we may feel disappointed our advice or help was rejected, but it doesn’t wreck us. We give the other person the freedom to reject our advice. 

After giving our best advice, we simply ask them again, “What are you going to do?” As a powerful person, it’s their choice. By giving them the freedom to choose without manipulation, we’re pulling them out of victimhood by restoring their power.

As coaches, our value is in who we are before Jesus, not whether our godly wisdom is accepted or not. Since our value isn’t on the line, we give the other person the freedom to reject our advice if they choose. We honor their choice, even if we know it’ll be bad for them in the long run. We accept that the Lord will walk them through learning that themselves, if they’re determined to go down that road.

Everyone has to live their own adventure.

It can really hurt to watch a loved one go down a dark path. But trying to rescue them won’t work, in the long term at least. You can’t force it. They have to live their own adventure. You can coach them, to the degree they choose to accept it. But working harder on their problem than they do is the definition of codependence, and it never ends well.

How to Tell if We Are Rescuing or Coaching 

Like most things in life, the difference between rescuers and coaches isn’t always black ‘n’ white. Often, we both play both roles at different times with different people. So how can we tell when we’re slipping into rescuer mode vs being a healthy coach? Here are 3 simple clues:

1) You’re owning the problem.

When you’re working harder on the other person’s problem than they are, you’re slipping into rescuer mode. It’s their problem, let them own it. That includes allowing them to deny the problem exists and live with the consequences, if they so choose.

This can be harder than it looks. When they’re in pain, people often don’t want to own their problem. They’d much rather give it to you. Then you’re responsible for the negative consequences of their choices. And they get the added entertainment bonus of watching you try to make them follow your advice. Good luck with that.

Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. (Galatians 6:7)

When we take ownership of their problem and rescue people from the logical consequences of their choices, we’re actually interfering with God’s process of sowing of reaping. Don’t do that. 

Yes, we can help. I’m not saying we don’t have compassion and just let people drown in their messes. But we need to stay in a posture of helping them solve their problem, not solving it for them.

2) Where’s your value coming from?

Can you still feel good about yourself if the person doesn’t solve the problem? If you’re emotionally attached to the solution, you’re slipping into rescuer mode. 

I know this can be really hard when a loved one is screwing up their life. But we have to let them live their own adventure. When our value becomes dependent on the success or health of their life, we’ve become a rescuer.

3) Do the potential consequences of this problem scare you?

If the person doesn’t solve the problem, have you failed? If your success as a parent (or spouse or mentor or friend or whatever) hangs in the balance, then you’re in rescuer mode. This is a sign you’re being driven by fear.

Let you be you and them be them. You can still be you and move forward even if they fail at being them. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt, especially if they’re a loved one. There’s plenty of pain and loss to go around. But you’re not going to fix anything in the long run by being their rescuer, by being their savior. They already have one, and they need to deal with him.

Does this resonate?

Have you made the transition from rescuer to coach? Is God bringing up relationships where you’re more rescuing than coaching? Tell us your story and your thoughts in the comments. And please share this on social media if it would bless someone else.

The 2 Littlest Words Causing the 4 Biggest Problems

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Most relationship problems, and you could even say most sins in the world, come down to problems with this one thing. Boundaries. And most boundaries problems come down to the refusal to either hear or say one of two little words. “Yes” and “no.”

[The concepts in this post come from the excellent book Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. These two strong Christians have practiced psychology for decades and have amazing insight we desperately need. I wish I’d read this book 30 years ago.]

Backpacks and Boulders

Before we dive into boundaries, we need to talk briefly about backpacks and boulders. The definitive passage for boundaries is Galatians 6:2-5.

Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. If anyone thinks they are something when they are not, they deceive themselves. Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else, for each one should carry their own load. (Galatians 6:2-5)

I’ve bolded the two important phrases we’re going to call-out here.

“Carry each other’s burdens.” The word translated “burden” means “boulder.” It’s something too huge for a single person to move alone. Stuff like that happens in this life. We’re supposed to help each other when we see someone else under the crushing weight of a boulder. There’s no way they can bear that weight themselves.

“Each one should carry his own load.” The word translated “load” means “backpack.” It’s basically a military term for a soldier’s daily pack. It’s the weight each person is both capable of carrying and expected to carry on their own.

We get in trouble with boundary issues when we mix up our boulders and our backpacks. We don’t let anyone help with our boulders, while we try to get others to carry our backpacks.

The 4 Main Boundary Problems

Here are the 4 main boundary problems. People with healthy boundaries say, and hear, the words “no” and “yes” appropriately, in the correct situations. These issues result when we don’t.

  1. Compliant — Won’t say “No”
  2. Controller — Won’t hear “No”
  3. Non-Responsive — Won’t say “Yes”
  4. Avoidant — Won’t hear “Yes”

Let’s go through these 4 boundary problems one by one. See if you recognize yourself. I do.

1) The Compliant – Won’t Say No

A compliant person is happy to help, answering the call to carry everybody else’s backpack. They get burned out and overloaded, and believe they just need to try harder. It’s looks great on the outside. Everyone else praises them because they’re so helpful, but it’s a horrible way to live.

Their life is often controlled by others. In inner healing, we call this Performance Orientation. It’s hard sometimes to see this as a problem because they’re doing so many good things.

But if they’re doing the wrong good things, all these good things are actually stealing the calling on their life. All the time spent doing all the good things leaves no time or energy for the one Great Thing, that unique contribution to the world only they can bring. It’s tragic. The compliant life is tragedy with a bow.

The problem isn’t the things they’re doing. The problem is they’re getting their value from the things they’re doing, not from their relationship with Jesus. It’s a perversion of the Biblical principal of dying to yourself. (See Luke 9:23, one of my favorite verses. Yes, I was a compliant. I can still lean that way if I’m not careful.)

2) The Controller – Won’t Hear No

Controllers don’t accept other people’s boundaries. They don’t carry their own backpack. Controllers spend all their time and energy trying to get someone else to carry their backpack, because in their deception, they perceive it as a boulder. So every backpack God brings into their life to make them strong and help them grow is thrown away.

They take advantage of other people to get their needs met, or at least what they perceive as their needs. Do you know people who don’t accept a “no”? They argue with you. They try to work a deal. They say, “Ok, but just…” They are abusers in the making, if not already there. (There are many forms of abuse: physical, verbal, emotional, and even spiritual.)

Controllers have a scarcity mindset. Intrinsically believing there’s not enough love to go around, they have to control the situation to make sure they get their share.

3) The Non-Responsive – Won’t Say Yes

Non-responsive people set boundaries, but they’re the wrong boundaries. They set boundaries against loving other people. When someone comes to them with a legitimate need, they have no grid for it. “Why don’t they just deal with it?”

To non-responsives, everything’s a backpack. They don’t see boulders. So, for example, when their spouse reaches out to them with a legitimate need (maybe for time spent together, being treated decently, or maybe just being loved), they don’t help or even try to. “I’m carrying my backpack, why can’t you just carry yours? What’s wrong with you?” They brush off their responsibility to love, claiming the other person is just overly needy.

4) The Avoidant – Won’t Hear Yes

Avoidants also set the wrong boundaries. They set a boundary against being loved. That’s called a wall, by the way, and is not a healthy boundary.

They won’t let someone else help with their boulders. “I can do it myself.” Like the non-responsive, they don’t see boulders. Well, actually, they see other people’s boulders, but not their own. They’re happy and willing to help someone else, but they won’t let anyone help them. “My problems pale in comparison to others.”

The 2 Common Combinations

Often we have multiple boundary problems. There are 2 particularly common combinations. (If you put the list of 4 boundary problems above in a table, these would be the diagonals.)

The compliant-avoidant won’t say “no” to helping with other people’s problems, but they won’t say “yes” to allowing anyone to help them with theirs. Desperately trying to earn the love we all crave, they get their value from helping others, literally to a fault, while never being vulnerable enough to allow anyone to help them. This is the post-card picture of Performance Orientation. They help everyone carry their backpack while letting no one help them with their boulder.

The non-responsive-controller, on the other hand, won’t hear “no” and won’t say “yes.” They steamroll over other people, demanding their needs get met while totally ignoring the needs of others. This is the post-card picture of Narcissism. They demand everyone else carry their backpack while never helping anyone with their boulder.

The really sad thing is – these two diagonals often marry each other! For a non-responsive-controller, who better to manipulate into carrying their backpack, while doing nothing in return, than a compliant-avoidant? And who better to make a compliant-avoidant feel needed than a non-responsive-controller?

So What Really Makes These Tick?

The inner motivation for all of these is… wait for it….  Fear. Pure and simple fear. We use these mechanisms to guard our own heart instead of trusting God. We’re afraid, and we don’t trust him to protect us or value us, at least to some extent, so we have to do it ourselves.

It comes down to this. We don’t believe we’re loved for ourselves. By whatever means we got that message, how we were raised, trauma in our life, etc., it stuck. And so now we have to either earn love or control the situation to get it. The problem is, it never works for long. God loves us too much to let us be satisfied living like that.

The Way Out

Fortunately, Jesus is stronger than our boundary problems. But he’s also a gentleman. He won’t force our boundary issues from us. But he’ll bring infinite opportunities throughout our life to give them to him, to start trusting him with our hearts instead of our own devices.

Sometimes recognizing we have a problem is 90% of the solution. Naming that problem is also powerful, because we have power over what we can name. That’s why AA meetings famously start by saying, “I’m John, and I’m an alcoholic.” That’s why anger management counselors teach people words to label their emotions. “I’m not angry, I’m frustrated (or scared or lonely or tired or sad or shocked, etc)”.

The choice is ours.

Compliants – Start saying “no” to good things that deplete you. Your own self-care is just as worthy of your time.

Controllers – Begin to listen for “no.” Honor the other person’s right to say “no,” whether you think it’s silly in this circumstance or not. No means no. Trust God to bring you what you need. Face the fear.

Non-Responsives – Other people have boulders. Intentionally look for them. What’s one thing you can help your spouse/friend/co-worker with? Help them with something that seems like a boulder to them, even if it looks like a backpack to you.

Avoidants – Start saying “yes.” Let people in. Let people help you. We were designed to live in community, and avoidants totally get that as far as helping other people. But community works both ways. You’re not really living in community if you don’t let people help you. (Not control you, just help you.)

Now, an important note here. We justify our extremes by the other extreme. Compliants look at non-responsives and say, “I don’t want to be insensitive like them!”. And vice-versa. Non-responsives look at compliants and say, “I don’t want to be a doormat like them!” Same for controllers and avoidants.

Relax. No one’s trying to turn you into the other extreme. But we have to move in that direction if we’re going to move out of the unhealthy extreme we’re stuck in. Non-responsives need to be more sensitive to the needs around them. Compliants need to be less sensitive to, and controlled by, the needs around them. Etc.

If any of this is you, pray for grace to acknowledge it and repent. Pray for the grace to learn and be teachable, recognizing the opportunities God brings into your life to grow, to say and hear “yes” or “no” where you haven’t before.

So how about you?

Did you recognize yourself in these descriptions? Have you lived with these? How are your boundaries? Tell us your story in the comments, and please share if this would bless someone else.