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What Every Relationship Pursues and Protects

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Every relationship pursues one of these two goals. Every relationship protects one of these two things. Either connection or distance. That’s it.

Terrified of What We Desperately Long For

The truth is, we all long for connection, for intimacy. We long to be fully known, accepted, and loved. And there’s the rub. We’re terrified that if we’re fully known, we’ll be rejected and condemned instead.

So we do this dance in our relationships of “come close, but stay away.”

Intimacy == Into Me See

The intimacy we so long for, and desperately need, is a place of scary vulnerability. Someone can really hurt us badly there. So we either avoid it, or we try to control it. But both strategies, by their very nature, destroy the intimacy we’re longing for.

So we protect distance in our relationships. This close, and no closer. Especially if there’s already painful water under the bridge. Especially if there’s a history of hurt with this person.

This is common in failing marriages. Each spouse, having been badly hurt by the other in a place of vulnerability, is not going to be vulnerable again. So they start protecting distance instead of connection, and wonder why the marriage is falling apart. But, often unknown to themselves, they’re achieving their goal of protecting their heart through distance from their spouse, instead of connection with their spouse.

2 Steps to Pursuing Connection

So how do we pursue connection? Here’s two steps.

1) Mutually decide that’s what you want. Sit down and talk. Talking on neutral ground, like in a professional counselor’s office, can be very helpful. Realize that you, as a couple, can achieve any goal you mutually pursue. The current state of your relationship is proof of that. You’ve been pursuing distance and you’ve achieved it.

2) Practice communication that’s about you, not about them. Disrespectful communication tells the other person about them. “You always…” or “You never…” That won’t work. They already know all about them. All this communication does is make them defensive and you do not feel heard.

Instead, tell them about you. Tell them how you feel when they do that thing, and tell them how you want to feel. Now don’t go overboard and make them responsible for your feelings. They aren’t. But you’re asking them for help. You’re inviting them into connection.

“When this happens, I feel _____ and I need to feel _____.”

Danny Silk gives a great example of this in his book Keep Your Love On (not an affiliate link). He lives in Northern California, and frequently drives curvy, mountain roads with his wife. She does not appreciate his fast mountain-driving skills.

So one time she told him, “Danny, when you drive this fast on these roads, I feel scared and I need to feel safe.” She didn’t judge his driving. She didn’t call him names like “irresponsible” or “dangerous” or “selfish.” She gave him information he didn’t have before – information about her.

Now he had a choice to make. He didn’t defend himself or his accident-free driving record. He didn’t explain the performance characteristics of the vehicle and how her fear was unwarranted. He didn’t call her names like “silly” or “paranoid.”

He slowed down. Why? Because he valued his connection with his wife. He wanted her to feel safe around him, not scared. He chose to value his connection with her above the fun he was having by driving fast.

When we mutually choose connection over distance, it makes a safe place for the intimacy we so long for.

When Distance Is Appropriate

Unfortunately, sometimes distance is appropriate. When people refuse, by their actions, to steward our hearts well, it is wise to set a healthy boundary and create a safe distance.

For example, suppose, in the example above, Danny chose not to slow down. What if he said, “No, I’m driving the way I’m driving. Get over it.”

Now his wife has a choice. He’s said what he’s going to do. What is she going to do?

Unhealthy things she could do are try to manipulate or control his behavior. She could shout. She could shame. She could cry. (I’m talking about manipulation crying here, not the honest sharing of genuine emotion.) She could try lots of different unhealthy things.

But the healthy thing is to tell him what she’s going to do, like:

  • “Next time, I’m driving separately.”
  • “I’m not going next time.”
  • “I’m calling an Uber to get home.”
  • Not get in the car with him in the driver’s seat. She drives.

“The only person I can control, on a good day, is myself.” – Danny Silk

There’s no judgement in that. No condemnation about his driving. She’s just telling him about her, and about what she’s going to do.

Then he has a choice. What is he going to do? Maybe, after a couple trips without her, or a couple expensive Uber bills, he slows down. Or not.

The point is, it is painful when, in that place of vulnerability, someone who should value and protect our heart hurts us instead. It is good and wise to set healthy boundaries so the person doesn’t have access to our hearts at a level where they can repeat that kind of damage.

We guard our heart by saying, “When you act that way, I feel ____, but I need to feel ____.” If they do not respond like we hoped, then we say, “Ok, when you do ____, I’m going to ____ so I can feel ____.” Then follow through and do it. Leave them the choice of your boundary and the limited access to your heart that comes with it, or changing their behavior.

I know families who have that one family member who ruins every extended family gathering by their outrageous behavior. Finally, they told him, “We love you and we want to spend time with you. But when you act this way, we feel angry, and it ruins the day for us. We all want to enjoy the gathering. So we’re not inviting you this year.” After a couple missed gatherings, he can choose whether he values connection with his family over his right to behave outrageously, or not.

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. – Proverbs 4:23

It is Biblical to guard your heart. But it’s painful when you have to guard your heart against someone you want to share it with, like your spouse or a family member. The good news is, your boundaries are under your control and you can relax them when you feel safe enough to do so. After the person demonstrates they will steward your heart well, you can gradually give them more and more access to your heart, and revoke that access if they can’t handle it.

Your Turn

Does this resonate? Are you pursuing connection or distance in your important relationships? These principles apply everywhere: with friends and family, at work, even at church. Have you had to enforce some healthy distance? What did the other person choose? Tell us your story in the comments; it will help others. And please share this post if it was a blessing to you.

These concepts are based on Danny’s Silk’s podcast, “The KYLO Show” (no affiliate relationship). I highly recommend it.

Why You Need Support Not Accountability

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Accountability groups, or accountability partners, are big in some Christian circles. But, while well-intentioned, accountability’s not all it’s cracked up to be. What you actually need is support, not accountability.

Here are 4 reasons why.

1) Support Helps, Accountability Controls

The critical difference between accountability and support is that accountability is “friendly” control, while support is help. But the truth is, to quote Danny Silk, “The only person I can control, on a good day, is myself.” Which also means that no one else can control you. No matter how well intentioned, it just won’t work.

“The only person I can control, on a good day, is myself.” — Danny Silk

We submit ourselves to accountability, either with a group or a single accountability partner, when there’s something we feel like we should be doing, but we really don’t want to. We think the guilt and peer pressure of having to report our failures will help. But think back. When in your life has peer pressure ever been a good thing? When have you ever been happy to be motivated by impending shame? Aren’t we much more likely to hide and eventually quit the group or partner?

2) With Support, You Bring the Motivation. In Accountability, It’s Imposed on You.

Who Brings the Motivation? We join accountability groups, or partnerships, when we’re guilted into admitting we should change our life. So we begrudgingly join the group (or partnership). But it feels like going to the dentist. We don’t want to go, we know it’ll hurt, but we know it’s good for us. It’s certainly no fun, and if we could rationalize a way out of it, we would. The motivation is imposed, or guilted, upon us by the rest of the group.

But in a support group (or partnership), we bring the motivation. There is something in our life that we actually, truly want to change. Or it’s a goal we’re passionate about achieving. But we know we can’t do it ourselves because we’ve been trying and it’s not working. So we ask trusted people in our life for help. We come into support situations grateful for the help, not dreading the “help” of accountability.

In fact, manipulative and controlling accountability is actually counter-productive. It can be demotivating, achieving the opposite of the intended result. 

3) Support Gives You Permission, Accountability Forces You 

In support, you’ve asked for help. This is something you want to do. People who support you remind you of your calling, your giftings, the positive words spoken over your life. They remind you who you really are. Their affirmation tears down the lies we believe about ourselves.

So often, when we’re having trouble moving forward, it’s because fear has gripped us. Fear often hides behind a mask of logic. Supportive people give us permission to take reasonable risks. They encourage us to take brave baby steps, and they cheer us on. 

There’s a sense of coercion by guilt that so often accompanies being held accountable. Even that phrase, “being held accountable,” has negative legal connotations, doesn’t it? Accountability attempts to force us to do the right thing. Support gives us permission.

4) Support Honors Your Choice, Accountability Shames Your Choice

What if you change your mind? Maybe you decide you don’t want this goal after all. Maybe you want to quit the group. Although supportive people might disagree, be sad and miss you, they honor your choice. Accountability groups (and partners) shame your choice. They try to force you back in line, away from being “out of control.” Think about that phrase! 

Shame never accomplishes anything good, but it’s the only tool (or weapon?) people who want control over your behavior have at their disposal. That’s a scary thought. Here’s a scarier one: Shame is actually the enemy’s main weapon against us. 

As believers, the enemy only has power over us when we believe his lies. Shame is one of his major tools for entrenching those lies in our heart. Shame activates fear. Fear drives us away from those who would love that shame away and take down those lies like a house of cards.

Since shame is something in the enemy’s toolbox, we can’t ever use shame to achieve a godly result.

Support over Accountability

It can be scary when a loved one is making destructive choices, especially an adult child. Sometimes, out of our very real fear, we try to control and hold them accountable with the best of intentions. We truly want the best for them. But we have to let them live their own adventure.

Jesus totally did this. For example, at the pool of Bethesda, he asked the paralytic, “Do you want to get well?” (John 5:1-15) And again, in Mark 10:46-52, he asked the blind man, “What do you want me to do for you?” These may seem like no-brainer questions, but he was overtly honoring their choice. He certainly wanted to heal them, but he was letting them choose it. He was letting them live their adventure. 

And we have to live ours. Seek out people who will support you, tell you the hard truth, but then honor your choice. Rather than guilting you into what you should do, they ask you, “What do you want me to do for you?” Then they support you in that area, if they morally can, even if they think your main problem is in another area. If they can’t support you for whatever reason, they’ll tell you straight up and not play games with you.

How About You?

Does this resonate? Please share this post if it would bless others. And tell us your story in the comments. Have you been through “accountability gone bad”? Have you had good experiences with support? Your story will help others, and we’d love to hear it.

How to Help Someone without Rescuing Them

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One of the hardest things to navigate is helping someone in a healthy way, without rescuing them in an unhealthy way. We don’t want to interfere with God’s process of sowing and reaping in their lives. (Here’s my previous post with 3 reasons why.)

Sometimes it feels like watching a train wreck in slow motion.

Compound that with, so often, people don’t want to change the lifestyle that’s causing the pain in their lives. They just want to be free from the pain.

It’s like someone banging their head on a brick wall. They want the headache to stop. But rather than being willing to stop banging their head on the brick wall, they’re looking for a helmet with more padding.

Giving Them Their Power Back

People in crisis often feel powerless. Like someone trapped on the third floor of a burning building, they want someone to pull up in a magic firetruck and rescue them from their pain.

True healthy help restores them as a powerful person who can make choices over their own life. Rather than swooping in with the magic firetruck, healthy help leads them to the fire escape and helps them navigate it.

But it’s their journey. We never take ownership away from them. Even when it’s painful to watch them move forward so slowly, and we could do it for them so much faster.

How to Help: Asking Questions not Making Statements

This is a brilliant 20-minute video by Danny Silk on how to really help someone with a problem. I highly recommend watching it.

So often it is more helpful to ask questions, rather than stating the obvious or just telling someone what to do to solve the immediate problem.

  • What’s the problem? If they don’t acknowledge there’s a problem, you’re done. If this is a family relationship, this is often a strong indication that someone has interrupted God’s process of sowing and reaping.
  • What are you going to do? At this point, often people won’t know. They feel powerless, like they can’t do anything. Their emotions are supercharged, and their rational brain is offline. But it’s important for you to ask this question. It clearly defines who owns the problem, and whose it is to solve.
  • What have you tried before? This is a great first step to help them slow down. Have you had this problem before? What have you done before that’s worked? Can you do that again? This helps them start thinking through the problem, helping their rational brain come back online.
  • Would you like some suggestions? Advice requires permission. If they don’t want your advice, don’t give it. Jesus put it somewhat graphically, “Don’t throw your pearls before swine.” (Matthew 7:6)
  • Have you tried…? Don’t say, “You should read this book.” Instead ask, “Have you read this book?” You are restoring them as a powerful person who can choose what they want to do to solve this problem.
  • What are you going to do? The most empowering question in the universe. Keep coming back to this one.

The Mastermind Process

In writer’s groups I’ve been in, we have a process called “mastermind.” It’s an absolutely genius way to help someone get unstuck. I’ve seen people who were stuck on something for months (or years!) get unstuck in 10-15 minutes. It works like this.

The person with the problem states it, and we ask clarifying questions to make sure we understand. Then comes the fun part.

For the next five minutes, group members give recommendations. The person with the problem is not allowed to talk during this. They just write all the recommendations down in a list.

Then the person with the problem chooses three things off that list they are going to do in the next 30 days. No explaining why they chose certain suggestions and not others. No judgments, no apologies, no commentary. Just choices.

People come into this process scared because they don’t know what to do. But they come out of it energized and excited. What was an overwhelming and vexing problem just a few minutes ago is now solvable. They have a list. They have a plan. They have support.

And most importantly, they have ownership. The beauty of the mastermind process is that, while it never solves anyone’s problem for them, it empowers them to solve their problem.

There are two key factors that make this process work.

(1) The person owns the problem. No one tells them, “Hey, I noticed you have a problem on your blog. Let me tell you how to fix that.” They decided it was a problem. And they decided they needed help fixing it.

(2) The person owns the solution. While the group process helps them think through possible solutions, they choose what they’re going to do and not do. No pressure to pick certain options over others. And nobody in the group gets their nose bent out of joint if the person didn’t pick their recommendation.

Your Turn

Have you been on either end of this? Did someone help guide you through a problem? Or did someone “rescue” you, leaving you to solve a bigger problem with higher stakes later in life? Tell us your story in the comments and please share if this would bless others.

Use These 3 Guidelines to Speak Up for What’s Right

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Speaking up for what’s right is important. As God’s people, if we don’t speak up for what’s right, we leave the world in a moral vacuum that our enemy is all too happy to fill with deception. Much of the societal decay in the world around us has risen to unprecedented levels because God’s people have been asleep and silent for far too long.

“Silence does not interpret itself.” – Father Pavone, Priests for Life

But it’s not enough to speak up for what’s right. We have to do it the right way. We’ve all heard about “speaking the truth in love” (Ephesians 4:15), but how do we actually do that? Here are 3 guidelines for speaking up for what’s right so we make a difference.

1) Respect

Everyone has the right to choose what they believe, even if we disagree. Everyone owns the consequences of their beliefs, whether they acknowledge it or not. We can tell someone their choices are leading to bad consequences, but we still need to respect their right to choose what they believe. God does this. God respects our choice but expects us to own the consequences (Deuteronomy 30:15-20).

So respect people’s right to disagree. Respect people’s right to be wrong, no matter how much that frustrates us. When speaking to others, whether it’s in-person or on FaceBook, do so with respect:

  • Don’t call them names.
  • Don’t insult them.
  • Don’t respond in kind.
  • Don’t copy the other person’s bad behavior.
  • Check your own spirit for self-righteousness.

The opposite of respect is offense. There is a major spirit of offense over our country right now. Some call it a political spirit. It’s obviously spiritual warfare because when we get offended, we too often go out of our minds, acting and speaking like no loving Jesus-follower should. But, in our minds, offense justifies all of our bad behavior.

No, it really doesn’t. We need to remember to whom we belong, and act like Him and not the pagans.

But Jesus made a whip and called the Pharisees a brood of vipers! Yes, he did (John 2:13-17, Matthew 12:34, Matthew 23:33). But that was a last resort. He didn’t start there. Jesus did many other things as a testimony to the Pharisees first:

  • Sending the cleansed leper to the priests to make the sacrifices Moses commanded (Matthew 8:1-4).
  • Paying his and Peter’s temple tax (Matthew 17:24-27).
  • Healing the man born blind (John 9).
  • Raising Lazarus from the dead (John 11).

I love the story of Jesus’ paying the temple tax for himself and Peter in Matthew 17:24-27. While Jesus makes it clear he doesn’t have to pay the tax, he pays it for himself and for Peter, and says in verse 27, “… so that we may not offend them…” Jesus picked his battles. So should we.

So yes, Jesus called them a brood of vipers. But he also paid the temple tax to not offend them. There is a time for every activity under heaven (Ecclesiastes 3), to offend and not to offend, and the Holy Spirit knows the difference. My counsel is to let the content of our words be the offensive thing, not the way we say them.

2) Uncompromising Truth

We’re not speaking up for what’s right if we’re not speaking the truth. My heart breaks when I think about entire Christian denominations that have compromised with the world in condoning abortion, homosexuality, and transgenderism. Janet & I pray often for God to open their eyes and send them a spirit of repentance. While sincerely wanting to love people, they are doing so much damage.

People engage in these behaviors because of pain in their lives. God wants to heal that pain. But when we compromise with the world by not calling sinful behaviors the sin that they are, we slam the door of God’s healing in people’s faces. You don’t need healing if nothing’s wrong, do you?

3) Not Being Controlled by the Fear of the Other’s Reaction

When we know we’re saying something the other person doesn’t want to hear, it’s perfectly normal to fear their reaction. There’s nothing wrong with being afraid. The problem comes when we let that fear control us. It’s amazing how much of our actions, and reactions, are actually governed by fear, although we generally don’t realize it.

Many times I’ve been screamed at by dysfunctional family members, “You said that because you knew it would upset me!” Yes, I did know it would upset them, and believe me, I fear someone being upset with me. (I die a thousand deaths before a confrontation!) But that’s not why I said it. I said it because it needed to be said. It was an issue between us that needed to be addressed. And I won’t be bullied out of addressing it any longer.

Here are two litmus tests to discover that we are being controlled by fear.

(1) Silence. When something’s wrong and we don’t speak up, we’re being controlled by fear. We’re afraid of offending the other person. Or of their anger. Or of damaging the relationship. Frankly, if the relationship is in a state where telling the truth will damage it, it needs to be “damaged,” because it’s not healthy the way it is.

Remember Father Pavone’s quote at the top of this post: “Silence does not interpret itself.” Whatever issues we are silent about, we condone.

Confrontation is a godly skill that can be learned through practice. I highly recommend the book “Keep Your Love On” by Danny Silk (Amazon affiliate link) for more on this topic.

(2) Control. When we try to control the other person’s reaction, we’re being controlled by fear. Here are some common behaviors designed to control the other person’s reaction. Do you recognize any of these?

  • Shaming them for disagreeing.
  • Bullying them into agreement.
  • Waiting to talk rather than listening.
  • Monopolizing the conversation.
  • Trying to win the argument instead of connecting to their heart.

As Jesus-followers, fear has no place in our lives. Or shouldn’t. Our entire Christian walk boils down to replacing fear-based behaviors with faith-based behaviors. Faith trusts the other person to God and does not let fear of their reaction control us.

Your Turn

So how about you? Is this helpful? How have people spoken into your life that’s made a difference? Did they follow these guidelines? Tell us your story in the comments, and please share this post to bless others.

Why to Help, Not Rescue, Someone Who’s Destroying Their Life

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One of the most painful things in life is to watch one of our loved ones destroy their lives. It doesn’t matter if it’s drugs, alcohol, promiscuous sex, porn, gambling, or workaholism. Or something worse. When we medicate the pain in our lives instead of dealing with it, it’s always destructive. And it’s hard to watch. Sometimes it feels like watching a train wreck in slow motion.

If we’re going to really help, we’ve got to understand what’s healthy help and what’s unhealthy rescue.

Sometimes People Want Unhealthy Rescue Rather Than Healthy Help

Painfully, sometimes, the person destroying their life doesn’t want help. They want rescue.

So often, people don’t want to change the lifestyle that’s causing the pain in their lives. They just want to be free from the pain. It’s human nature to avoid pain. It takes bravery and courage to face it in order to receive healing.

It’s like someone banging their head on a brick wall. They want the headache to stop. But rather than being willing to stop banging their head on the brick wall, they’re looking for a helmet with more padding.

People in crisis often feel powerless. Like someone trapped on the third floor of a burning building, they want someone to pull up in a magic firetruck and rescue them from their pain.

Now don’t get me wrong. Yes, Jesus does rescue us. But Jesus is the only rescuer, and he only does so in partnership with us. We have to be willing to stop banging our head on the wall; i.e., stopping sinful lifestyle behaviors. And we need to be willing to face the pain those behaviors are medicating so Jesus can heal that pain.

Yes, we can significantly help people. We can help them find the fire-escape they didn’t see, and we can help them navigate it. We can link them up with resources they didn’t know about. But they have to be willing to use them. They can’t keep waiting at the window for the magic firetruck to show up.

Here are 3 reasons why we shouldn’t provide an unhealthy “magic firetruck” rescue for people.

1) They Have Right to Steward Their Life as They Choose

This is the hardest one. Janet and I have a wise friend who told us something we’ve never forgotten and often remind ourselves of:

Our children have to live their own adventure.

I hate that. I want to drive their boat. I want to just jump in there, and say, “Look, I’m over twice your age, and I know these waters. Let me get you off the sandbar you’re stuck on, avoid the rocks, and get you into safer waters. Then you can drive again.”

But that’s not healthy. That dishonors their God-given stewardship over their own life. I would just be forcing them to trade their dysfunctional coping mechanisms for mine, which does them no good in the end.

2) You Can’t Control Someone Else

Yes, ultimately, God is sovereign over our lives. We are stewards of our lives, not owners. But everyone has to choose for themselves whether to voluntarily let God sit on the throne of their life. Or not. God honors their choice, even when he disagrees with it. So must we.

You cannot control another person, no matter how much you think they would benefit from it.

“The only person I can control, on a good day, is myself.” – Danny Silk

That doesn’t mean condoning their choice. If they’re doing something destructive, yes, speak up. Point it out. But do so in a spirit of genuine concern rather than condemnation.

Condemnation is our (sinful) attempt to shame someone into doing the right thing, because, if we’re honest, we’re scared. Condemnation is an act of fear on our part. It’s using the enemy’s tools, which never ends well.

3) Interfering with Sowing and Reaping Hurts Them in the Long Run

Well-meaning parents do this all the time for their children. We need to let our loved ones own the problem.

If we’re solving the consequences of their bad decisions, then we are taking ownership of the problem away from them. We are interfering with God’s process of sowing and reaping.

If they are making poor choices, to the fullest extent possible, let them deal with the consequences. Let them own the problem.

That doesn’t mean we can’t help. But help, don’t rescue. Here’s how to tell the difference:

Rescuing removes the pain. Helping does not.

If you completely remove the pain from a situation they’ve caused, you’re rescuing, not helping.

Think of it like this. They are the rookie quarterback on the football field, with 10 seconds left in the game. You’re the coach. They have one shot to execute the winning play. As a former all-star, hall-of-fame, quarterback yourself, you could go out on the field and execute the play for them.

But you don’t. As the coach, you call the play, but they have to execute it. And they can choose not to. The quarterback can call an audible at the line and change the play. Maybe as they see how the defense is lining up, they decide the play you called won’t work. It’s their choice. The quarterback can modify the play or change it all together.

And they own the results.

Let Them Own Their Problem

At the end of the day, they have to live with the consequences of their choices. True, no one is responsible for the evil done to them. But we are responsible for our response to it.

“The last of the human freedoms: to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances.” — Viktor Frankl, Holocaust Survivor in his book Man’s Search for Meaning

Letting someone own their problem, and the consequences, is painful, especially when we can alleviate their suffering in the short term. But if we interfere with God’s design of sowing of reaping, we’re actually hurting them in the long run. Yes, totally help. But don’t rescue.

Your Turn

Have you been on either side of this principle? Has a painful season of sowing and reaping taught you valuable life lessons? Have you had to let a family member go down a destructive or foolish path to learn for themselves? Or have you been that family member?

Tell us your story in the comments and please share if this would bless someone else.

The 3 Most Dangerous Communication Styles

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The concepts in this post come from Danny Silk’s book, Keep Your Love On: Connection, Communication, and Boundaries. This book has really rocked my world. I wish I’d read it 20 years ago. A short, easy read, it’s one of those books that you want to read every year. I cannot recommend it highly enough. You can get your own copy here. This is not an affiliate link, I get no commission or any other benefit if you click and buy. But you certainly will. It’ll transform your relationships!

What are the three most dangerous animals in the world? The ones we turn into when we communicate from a place of fear, because they damage or destroy our connection with other people. For many of us, we don’t even realize we’re doing it. Many of us grew up with families that communicated this way, and we think it’s normal. It’s all we know so it’s what we do.

But it’s not normal. It damages our connection with those we love. What if you knew there was another way to communicate? What if there was another option?

The premise of healthy communication is this:

“I cannot control another person. The only person I can control, on a good day, is myself.” – Danny Silk

The goals of healthy communication, then, are not to force or manipulate the other person into doing what we want. The goal of healthy communication is first and foremost to understand. Powerful people are not afraid of someone else’s point-of-view. They’re not afraid of someone’s disagreement. They are comfortable and bold being themselves, and they are not afraid to let others be themselves.

But when we get into fear, we start communicating from a motivation to get our needs met, instead of to understand. How many of these unhealthy communication styles have you used? I know I have used them all.

A disclaimer: The word-pictures describing these communication styles are simply to help us understand the intangible by making it a little more tangible. These caricatures describe how the person is behaving, not the person’s identity. We are not what we do.

Suppose the husband is driving too fast around a curvy, one-lane mountain road, too fast for the wife’s comfort at least. She has 4 choices of how to respond.

1) Unhealthy Aggressive Communication – The T-Rex

The T-Rex yells and screams. A big bully, the T-Rex uses intimidation to win the argument and get his or her way. Despite the volume and the bluster, the T-Rex really feels powerless and afraid. If they didn’t, they wouldn’t bully the other party. They don’t trust the other person to care about their need. Terrified their need won’t be met, they use intimidation to get their way. The message of a T-Rex communicator is, “I matter, you don’t matter.”

The wife in our example could choose to play the T-Rex and yell at her husband, using intimation and name-calling, “Slow down, you idiot! You’re going to get us killed! What kind of moron are you, driving like that!”

2) Unhealthy Passive Communication – The Goat

The goat is the opposite of the T-Rex. The goat is just as powerless and afraid of not getting his or her needs met, but instead of hiding that fear with bluster and blather like the T-Rex, the goat hides that fear with silence. Not saying anything at all. They would rather keep the peace then risk saying what they know needs to be said.

They misunderstand Bible verses about sacrifice and dying to self. They’re confused by Matthew 5:9, which reads, “Blessed are the peace makers,” not peace keepers.

The goat’s message through their communication is, “You matter, I don’t.” Counter-intuitively, goat’s and T-Rexes often end up in relationships together, because they both believe the T-Rex matters, and the goat does not. The goat sacrifices body parts (i.e., more and more of their identity) to the T-Rex to keep the peace.

“At the end of the day, the goat ceases to exist, and the T-Rex is still hungry.” – Danny Silk

A wife playing the goat in our example would just white-knuckle the drive, not saying anything. She’d swallow the fear, close her eyes, pray, whatever, anything but start the confrontation that needs to happen.

3) Unhealthy Passive-Aggressive Communication – The Chocolate-Covered Dragon (CCD)

This one is the most dangerous of all, because they look so good to everyone except the person in relationship with them. CCD’s look great on the outside. They’re chocolate after all. What’s not to like? But the other person is the only one who knows how they act in private, when the dragon comes out.

Chocolate Covered Dragons will have a great conversation with you. They’ll contribute, pretend to understand, and appear to agree whole-heartedly. But later, they won’t do anything they agreed to, denying ever making a commitment. They throw it all back on you for “misunderstanding” the conversation. You begin to wonder, “Did we really say that? Am I remembering right? Am I crazy?”

The truth is, no, you’re not crazy and, yes, you’re remembering correctly. The CCD is twisting the facts (and they know it) to manipulate getting their way.

The CCD feels powerless and terrified their needs won’t get met. But they don’t want to go all T-Rex because they know that makes them look bad. Keeping up appearances is very important to CCDs; they are terrified to let the real “me” show. So by lying and manipulation, they make you look bad to get their way and get their needs met.

The CCD’s message to the world through their communication style is, “I matter. You matter; no, not really.”

Back to our example. If the wife of our crazy driver chooses to communicate like a chocolate-covered dragon, she won’t say anything. The whole evening. There won’t be any harsh words, but they’ll be plenty of harsh non-verbal communication.

The husband picks up on it. “What’s wrong, honey?”

“Nothing.” But the atmosphere communicates daggers.

“Seriously, what’s the matter?”

“If you loved me, you would know.” And she makes him pay.

Or there’s another choice.

4) Healthy Assertive Communication – Royalty

The Bible says we are kings and queens (Proverbs 25:2, Romans 8: 17-37, Ephesians 1:18). So often we don’t act like who we really are. We need someone to teach us how to act like kings and queens. In Christian lingo, we call that “sanctification.”

Kings and queens are powerful. They know who they are, so they aren’t threatened by who someone else is. Being royalty, they have an abundance mindset, not a scarcity mindset. They aren’t threatened or jealous of someone else’s success or happiness. If I’m acting like royalty, then in our relationship, I get to be me and you get to be you.

Powerful people communicate assertively. They don’t either hide or bull-doze. They don’t say one thing while intending another. Their message to the world through their communication is, “I matter. You matter.” And they mean it. They live it. They can disagree with someone while still honoring them.

Instead of telling the other person what to do and feel, an assertive communicator talks about how they feel and what they need. They say things like, “I feel _____ when ____. I need to feel ____.” For example, our wife of the crazy driver, choosing to communicate assertively, might say something like this:

“When you drive like this, I feel scared, and my fear makes me angry. I need to feel safe. I need to feel like you’re protecting me, not threatening me.”

Then she trusts her husband to care about her needs more than his own adrenaline rush. Powerful people communicate how they feel and what they need by “asserting” it – stating it. They trust the other person to meet their needs, and allow them do to it on their own terms.

Regardless of how she communicates, our crazy-driver husband now has a choice. He can respond:

  • Like a powerless T-Rex bent on his own way, unable to meet the legitimate needs of another. “Hey, baby, don’t worry, I’ve never gotten into an accident and I know every inch of this road. When you get in the car with me, it’s all sit down, shut up, and hand on!”
  • Like a powerless goat, terrified of someone’s displeasure because they believe the lie they have to earn love. “I’m so sorry. I’ll never speed again. In fact, maybe you should drive. You’re a much better driver than I am.”
  • Like a powerless chocolate-covered dragon, unable to truly meet the needs of another, but coy enough to pretend to. “Oh, I’m sorry. Yeah, I was going too fast there, wasn’t I?” Then they slow down. But the speed creeps back up slowly. If the wife says something again, they act hurt and put-off, twisting it to make it the wife’s fault. “I am going slower! Why won’t you meet me half-way? There’s just no pleasing you!” Technically they didn’t lie, they are going slower. They’re going 59 instead of 60.
  • Like royalty, assertively. “Oh, does that bother you? I’m sorry. I want you to feel safe. Of course I’ll slow down.” And they slow down and keep it down.

But what do you do when you’re doing your best to be assertive, and are constantly met by a T-Rex, goat, or chocolate-covered dragon? How does a healthy assertive communicator respond to these unhealthy communication styles?

How to Assertively Respond to an Aggressive T-Rex

Royalty does not tolerate being bullied. They simply do not accept such treatment. They freely give respect to others, and they expect to receive it. Here are some practical ideas.

Meet them in a public place, like a coffee shop or fast-food, where you pay upfront. In public, there’s social pressure on them to not start yelling. And because you paid up front, you don’t have a check to pay holding you there. You can get up and leave if necessary.

After an unheeded warning (just one), say something like, “I want to talk with you about this, I want to spend time with you, but you cannot talk to me like that. We can try this again whenever you’re ready. Let me know.” Then get up and leave.

Here are some other examples.

  • “I want to talk about this with you, but when you yell and scream I feel disrespected, and I need to feel valued. We can continue this conversation when you’re ready to treat me respectfully.” Then walk out of the room and close (not slam) the door.
  • If you are physically abused, or your spouse is breaking things, call the police. Every time. Royalty does not tolerate disrespect.

How to Assertively Respond to a Passive Goat

Ask questions. Wait for their answer. Get comfortable with uncomfortable silence. Don’t break it, wait for them. Empower them with the question, “What are you going to do?” In extreme cases, you may have to say, “I really value your opinion. I want to understand how you feel about this. I need you to take responsibility for expressing how you feel. Will you share with me?”

You’re inviting them into a place of real intimacy, of being truly valued and loved.

How to Assertively Respond to a Passive-Aggressive Chocolate-Covered Dragon (CCD)

This one can be the hardest because no one else gets it. You’ll have to be prepared to accept only you and Jesus knowing you’re not crazy. Often, writing things down during a conversation with a CCD can help tremendously, because then they can’t twist it and cast doubt on your memory.

The big thing to communicate to a CCD is, “I really want to hear your heart. So let’s table this until you’re ready to tell me what’s really going on.”

How about you?

The reason understanding is the #1 goal in communication is because our ultimate goal is creating a healthy connection with the other person. This does not mean we never disagree or become the goat! On the contrary, it means we disagree whenever we need to. But we do it respectfully, whether the other person does or not.

Guarding our connection means confrontation, not appeasement. I talked about confrontation skills in this post based on a Danny Silk video. The link to that video is in the post (again, not an affiliate link).

Does this resonate with you? Tell us in the comments how you or someone else communicated assertively and it made all the difference. And please share if you think this would bless someone else.

5 Steps to Help Anyone with Anything

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We’ve probably all heard snippets of Trans-Siberian Orchestra’s first Christmas album, Christmas Eve and Other Stories, but do you know the theme of that album? If you buy the CD, there’s a story woven between the song lyrics. God sends his tiniest angel to Earth on Christmas Eve to bring back a token of what people do to honor the birth of God’s son. The angel weaves in and out of many people’s lives that Christmas Eve and brings back many tokens, but the upshot is the best honor of Christ’s birth is the wish of one heart for the good of another. That’s all. Simple. Honest. No strings attached. No hidden agenda.

I really believe, by and large, the church is like that. We all want to help people. We really do. It’s been my experience (mostly), that people who really love Jesus, when you strip away all the pain and all the confusion and the deception and the fear they may be living in, really do want the good of the other person.

The problem is, we don’t know how. We haven’t been trained how to really help someone. So we default to the ways of the world, rules and control. So often the church is about sin management instead of practicing the presence of Jesus.

We often try to control people’s behavior with fear of punishment instead of training people how to steward freedom powerfully. God created us to be powerful stewards of the freedom Jesus bought for us on the cross, not powerlessly victims of circumstances, bound by the sin of ourselves and others.

I came across this video from Danny Silk, about how to help someone with a problem. This is the best instruction I’ve ever seen on helping someone solve a problem. And it’ll work for pretty much anything. It’s about 20 minutes, but so well worth it! I’ll summarize it for you in the rest of this post.

When people are stuck, they feel powerless. The beauty of Danny Silk’s method is it restores a person’s power. And it does so by asking questions. As you’ll see, everything’s done with questions. You don’t tell the person anything. You just ask questions. Ready to dive in? Here we go.

Step 1: Empathy – How Do They Feel?

This is where we build trust. We listen to the person’s story. We’re not looking for what they did wrong or what they need to do right. We’re looking for how they feel. And we parrot it back to them as a question. Does that make you feel betrayed? Or maybe, Did that make you angry? Or even something as generic as, Wow, that hurts, doesn’t it?

The beauty of it is, you don’t even have to be right. If you guess wrong, don’t worry, they’ll correct you. In trying to understand how they feel, whether we’re right or wrong, we communicate to them, “You matter. I’m trying to understand.” Everyone wants to be accepted and understood. They know we’re on their side. They can trust us. The walls come down.

Step 2: Empowerment – “What are you going to do?”

We have to realize this is their problem. We cannot solve another person’s problem. God created us all to be powerful people, taking ownership of, and responsibility for, our own problems.

Sometimes, when people are feeling stuck and powerless, they will try to get you to solve their problem. They often would love to get you in a parental role of telling them what to do, and then watch you try to make them do it. It’s then your fault when they don’t do it, and now it’s your problem, not theirs.

“What are you going to do?” is the most empowering question you can ask. It communicates clearly that there’s no confusion about who’s problem this is. And it reminds the person they’re powerful. They can do something.

Often though, they are still feeling powerless and overwhelmed, so they might answer, “I don’t know what I’m going to do.” And that leads perfectly into Step 3.

Step 3: Exploration – “What have you tried so far?”

This is another empowering question. It reminds them they have the power to do something. They may not be able to change their circumstances, but they have the power to choose how they respond.

You’re giving them value by expecting them to make choices and do things. You’ve taken it for granted that they’re powerful. And that rubs off, they begin to feel powerful again going through this with you. And you’re still trying to understand, which builds them up.

Step 4: Education – “Would you like to hear some ideas?”

Finally, we get to the step where we can recommend they take certain actions we think might be helpful. But we still don’t tell them do to anything. That’s not our place. Like Alex Trebek on Jeopardy!, we put our advice in the form of a question. For example, we don’t say, “You need to read this book.” Instead, we say, “Have you read this book?”

If we tell them what book they need to read, even if it’s true, we’re re-lapsing back into control. They will often immediately get defensive and tell you why it won’t work before they’ve even read it. But if you ask, they have all the power. You’re acknowledging it’s ok if they don’t read it. It’s just an idea; it’s their choice, with no pressure.

We don’t just start telling them what they need to hear, as tempting as that is, especially when we know we’re totally right. Instead, ask permission. “Can I share something that’s helped in my life?” Now you’re not preaching at them, they’ve asked for the information. You’re helping them feel powerful again. They can say, “Yes I want to hear” or “No I don’t”.

Step 5: Empowerment – “What are you going to do?”

Yeah, I know, we did this step already. But that’s the empowering thing about this process. We always come back to, “What are you going to do?” This is their problem, and they have the power to do something about it. We’ve put out effort understanding how they’re feeling, we’ve explored what’s worked in the past and what hasn’t, we’ve given them our ideas (if they’re open to it), and now it’s up to them, as a powerful person, to choose what they are going to do about their problem.

We can be part of the solution. We can ask, “Do you want me to help you by giving you a ride to the garage?” They take us up on it or not. Being powerful doesn’t mean they have to solve the problem all by themselves. But they need to drive the solution and own responsibility for the outcome, not blame somebody or something else.

Jesus So Did This.

This method really helped me understand why Jesus asked such seemingly stupid questions. I mean, for the Lord of all the Universe, there are times when he just seemed really dense.

Like when Jesus walks up to a blind guy and asks, “What do you want me to do for you?” (Mark 10:46-52) Really Jesus? The guy’s blind, you have to ask?!? What did Jesus expect him to say? “Yeah, I’m blind and all, but really Jesus I was hoping you’d help me change the oil in my camel.”

Or how about when Jesus walks up to an invalid of 38 years at the pool of Bethesda, where all the sick people go to get well, and asks him, “Do you want to get well?” (John 5:1-15). “No, Jesus, I’m just laying here by the pool working on my suntan. Can you flip me over? It’s time to do my back.”

The truth is, of course Jesus knew what these people needed. But he valued them as powerful people by letting them choose it. He didn’t try to control them and force them to accept what they needed. We need to do the same.

This sounds like tremendous fun to me. I love helping people. How about you? Are you game? Has someone done this for you? How have people either empowered you or controlled you into powerlessness? How did that make you feel? Tell us your story in the comments. And please share if this post would bless someone else.