You Need these 3 Things to Move Forward

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Are you stuck in your life? Is there something you just can’t seem to get past? So often we get swept up into the whirlwind of life that we forget ourselves. Braving the grueling commute. Playing kid-taxi all over town. Spending our energy in a job we don’t like but pays the bills. Coming home exhausted but still putting the needs of family members first. Is there anything left over for me?

Often we medicate the pain from lost and broken dreams. Hours in front of the mindless TV. Just one more drink. Staying busy with anything but our calling, especially something we’re good at that others praise us for.

“The biggest enemy of your Zone of Genius, that unique calling God created you to bring to the world, is your Zone of Excellence, what you’re really good at that’s comfortable and safe.” –Gay Hendricks in The Big Leap (my paraphrase).

You can move forward into your calling, in the midst of all your other responsibilities. It doesn’t happen by accident. You have to fight for it. But it can be done, and it’s not all that difficult. But you need these 3 things.

1) You Need A Voice

The truth is, you have a voice. You need to use it. God has put something unique in you. It’s a calling, that thing that makes your heart leap, or would if you allowed yourself to think about it. Speak your calling. Speak your value.

Callings aren’t always safe. They can be scary. They can upset the whole apple cart of an otherwise perfectly safe but boring life. The good news is, you never pursue a calling alone. God created you for this journey and he’s with you on it.

The first step toward moving forward is to speak your calling out loud. Even if it’s just to yourself. Every morning, get alone and say out loud what your calling is. This sets up your day to move in that direction. As you say it, you’re setting the direction for your brain, which will begin to figure out how to get you there.

Our words create the atmosphere around us. God created us in his image with this superpower, so we could bless everyone in our sphere of influence, including ourselves. We draw to ourselves what we dwell on. So as we speak our calling, we’re creating circumstances around our life that will enable it to happen.

You have a voice. Use it.

2) You Need A Community

Not just any community. Actually, you need two communities.

First, you need a community of believers. Most often, this takes the form of a church. But this can’t just be a check-the-box-on-Sunday church. This can’t be put-on-a-face-while-I’m-dying-inside church. It needs to be people you do life with. People that are safe to share the good, the bad, and the ugly with. People you can be vulnerable with, and who are vulnerable with you. Vulnerability is a two-way street. Never trust a leader who’s asking a level of vulnerability from you they aren’t willing to give themselves.

Second, you need a community of people doing the same thing you are. People who get it. If you’re an author, you need to hang around other authors. If you’re a musician, you need to hang around other musicians. You get the idea. People who understand what you’re trying to do and can help you when you get stuck. Fortunately, the Internet has made connecting with like-minded people with similar goals easier than any other time in the history of the world.

“Every story of success is the story of community.” – Jeff Goins in Real Artists Don’t Starve

God intentionally made us to need each other, because we were made in his image. There is perfect community with the Godhead—Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. They totally get each other. Every story of success is the story of the people we met along the way. It’s the story of people who believed in us more than we did. Those people are in a community waiting for you.

Your community is out there. Find it and join it.

3) You Need Momentum

Isaac Newton said it best. Not to bring back bad memories, but maybe you remember from physics Newton’s First Law of Motion:

“Objects at rest stay at rest, while objects in motion stay in motion.” – Isaac Newton

If you are not moving forward in your calling, you will tend to continue to not move forward. That’s why baby steps are so important. Do something every week, just one little step, even if it’s infinitesimal. At the end of the year, you’ll have taken 52 steps forward. 52 little steps equate to big progress looking back over the year.

How do you find the first baby step? Simple. Ask yourself, “What would I do to pursue this calling if I weren’t afraid?” Then do that.

Another great life hack is to speak your calling just before you go to sleep. Your subconscious mind will work on the problem while you’re sleeping.

“Never go to sleep without a request to your subconscious.” – Thomas Edison

Once you take that first baby step, you’ll be amazed how easy the second one is. And the third one. Because now you’ve got momentum. Your forward motion keeps you moving forward.

You need momentum more than you need the exactly perfect first step.

Do something.

So What About You?

Where are you stuck? Do you want to move forward? What’s your calling? Practice using your voice in the comments. Have you found a community? What are you going to do? Tell us in the comments. And please share if this would bless someone else.

How to be a Coach Not a Rescuer, and How to Tell the Difference

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As Christians, we all want to be helpful. We’ve experienced the blessing of sacrificing for another person. Unlike the world, most Christians I know really aren’t in it for themselves. We genuinely care about the communities we’re a part of, and we’re willing to sacrifice if it will contribute to the greater good.

We long to be like Jesus. That whole cross thing was pretty helpful, saving the world and all. It sure changed my life, as well as the entire trajectory of the world.

So while we all want to be helpful, it turns out there’s a good helpful and a bad helpful. It can be hard to tell the difference sometimes because often they look exactly the same, from the outside at least. But the inner motivation is different, and over time you can see the fruit on the outside also. 

The Bad Helpful — Rescuers

Rescuers have to be helpful. Of course being helpful is good in and of itself, but with rescuers there is something else going on. Rescuers get their value from helping. That’s why they have to. It’s really not about the person they’re helping at all. It’s all about the rescuer and how it makes them feel.

And actually, there’s even something deeper going on — the inner heart motivation. Rescuers are driven by fear. While looking great on the outside, they’re actually terrified of becoming a victim. “If I’m rescuing a victim, I must not be one, right?”

At first, the rescuer and the victim are thrilled to have found each other. The victim feels safe that someone is finally helping them. And we, as the rescuer, feel all good and warm and fuzzy inside; we feel valued. Nothing wrong with that, per se. But it goes off the rails as soon as the rescuer actually expects something of the victim.

The solution to every problem in life requires us, at some level, to tell ourselves “no.”

The victim is unwilling to tell themselves “no,” at least not the “no” that would lead out of the problem. They’re unwilling to give up the lifestyle or the addiction or whatever is causing the problem. They just want the pain to go away. 

So when we, as the rescuer, require something of them, they turn on us. “Hey, I thought you were supposed to be helping me!” We’ve suddenly become the new persecutor, and the poor victim searches for a new rescuer.

Meanwhile, we, playing the misunderstood rescuer, feel frustrated that all our good advice is going to waste. “I only wanted to help!” We feel devalued because we got emotionally attached to the solution. Since we’re getting our value from solving their problem, when our solution gets rejected, so do we.

Acting as rescuers, our worst comes out. We control and manipulate to force our advice and help into being accepted, because our value is on the line. 

This sounds strange, but when we pop into rescuer mode, we’re actually giving away our power over our own life. Because our value is now in the hands of someone else accepting or rejecting our advice. So when our advice is rejected, it’s off to find another victim to validate us by accepting our advice, letting us control their situation and solve their problem. 

The Good Helpful — Coaches

On the other hand, coaches are the good helpful. Unlike rescuers who have to be helpful, coaches are available to be helpful. 

While rescuers look at the landscape and seek poor victims who won’t make it without them, coaches don’t see victims at all. They see creators who have forgotten who they are. 

In the midst of the storm, people can feel pretty powerless, at the mercy of forces they can’t control. And while this world is full of forces one can’t control, in every situation one can still do something. Coaches restore people’s power with one, simple, empowering question: “What are you going to do?”

As a good coach, if the other person is open to it, we can still offer advice. But we always ask first. There’s no point trying to solve a problem the other person says they don’t have. 

But even when offering advice, coaches are not emotionally attached to the solution. When we’re in coach mode, we may feel disappointed our advice or help was rejected, but it doesn’t wreck us. We give the other person the freedom to reject our advice. 

After giving our best advice, we simply ask them again, “What are you going to do?” As a powerful person, it’s their choice. By giving them the freedom to choose without manipulation, we’re pulling them out of victimhood by restoring their power.

As coaches, our value is in who we are before Jesus, not whether our godly wisdom is accepted or not. Since our value isn’t on the line, we give the other person the freedom to reject our advice if they choose. We honor their choice, even if we know it’ll be bad for them in the long run. We accept that the Lord will walk them through learning that themselves, if they’re determined to go down that road.

Everyone has to live their own adventure.

It can really hurt to watch a loved one go down a dark path. But trying to rescue them won’t work, in the long term at least. You can’t force it. They have to live their own adventure. You can coach them, to the degree they choose to accept it. But working harder on their problem than they do is the definition of codependence, and it never ends well.

How to Tell if We Are Rescuing or Coaching 

Like most things in life, the difference between rescuers and coaches isn’t always black ‘n’ white. Often, we both play both roles at different times with different people. So how can we tell when we’re slipping into rescuer mode vs being a healthy coach? Here are 3 simple clues:

1) You’re owning the problem.

When you’re working harder on the other person’s problem than they are, you’re slipping into rescuer mode. It’s their problem, let them own it. That includes allowing them to deny the problem exists and live with the consequences, if they so choose.

This can be harder than it looks. When they’re in pain, people often don’t want to own their problem. They’d much rather give it to you. Then you’re responsible for the negative consequences of their choices. And they get the added entertainment bonus of watching you try to make them follow your advice. Good luck with that.

Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. (Galatians 6:7)

When we take ownership of their problem and rescue people from the logical consequences of their choices, we’re actually interfering with God’s process of sowing of reaping. Don’t do that. 

Yes, we can help. I’m not saying we don’t have compassion and just let people drown in their messes. But we need to stay in a posture of helping them solve their problem, not solving it for them.

2) Where’s your value coming from?

Can you still feel good about yourself if the person doesn’t solve the problem? If you’re emotionally attached to the solution, you’re slipping into rescuer mode. 

I know this can be really hard when a loved one is screwing up their life. But we have to let them live their own adventure. When our value becomes dependent on the success or health of their life, we’ve become a rescuer.

3) Do the potential consequences of this problem scare you?

If the person doesn’t solve the problem, have you failed? If your success as a parent (or spouse or mentor or friend or whatever) hangs in the balance, then you’re in rescuer mode. This is a sign you’re being driven by fear.

Let you be you and them be them. You can still be you and move forward even if they fail at being them. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt, especially if they’re a loved one. There’s plenty of pain and loss to go around. But you’re not going to fix anything in the long run by being their rescuer, by being their savior. They already have one, and they need to deal with him.

Does this resonate?

Have you made the transition from rescuer to coach? Is God bringing up relationships where you’re more rescuing than coaching? Tell us your story and your thoughts in the comments. And please share this on social media if it would bless someone else.

Turning Around

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Let’s start with a fun story today. Bob had a business meeting in Boston, and decided to drive instead of fly from his home in Washington, DC. His wife, Barb, called him to see how the road trip was going.

Barb: How’s the road trip going, Honey? Where are you?

Bob: I’m in Raleigh, North Carolina.

Barb: Honey, you’re going the wrong way!

Bob: Yeah I know. I want to go north, but the car’s going south.

Barb: Who’s driving the car?

Bob: I am.

Barb: Then why are you going south?

Bob: I don’t want to. I want to go north. But the car got on the southbound ramp and won’t turn around. I’m worried I might be late for my meeting in Boston if the car goes to Florida.

Barb: Honey, turn the car around.

Bob: Hey, don’t judge me! I’m the victim here in this crazy situation! I want to go north; it’s not my fault the car’s going south!

Pretty jacked up, right? Bob’s words, saying he wants to go to Boston, all of his good intentions and planning, all of his heart-longing for it, aren’t going to get the car there. His actions are driving the car, not his words, not his intentions, not his desires. If he ever wants to get to Boston, he needs to take responsibility for his actions and turn the car around. Pretty obvious, huh?

But we do this in our relationships all the time. We pursue our life-goals this way. Our actions drive our car to our destination – not our stated good intentions or our desires.

When we live this way, we’ve taken the Vows of Victimhood. But we can choose to turn around.

No Gain without Vulnerability

“I want to relate but not be hurt.” Although we say we want a relationship, we take steps by our actions to push people away. We decide we’re going to control the situation to keep from getting hurt, instead of trusting God to heal us through the hurt. And it turns out that our trying to control causes us worse hurt than the natural situation would have. But we blame the situation.

“I want to learn but not fail.” We say we want that promotion, but we’re not willing to learn the technology or acquire the skills or do anything different. We don’t want to risk failing. It’s as if Bob intentionally drove to Raleigh to avoid the traffic in New York City. He will avoid the traffic in New York City with this strategy, but he’s also not going to Boston.

Repentance not Remorse

“I want the pain in my life healed, but I’m not willing to change the lifestyle that caused it.” We see this one all the time in the crisis pregnancy center where Janet and I volunteer. So many people are willing to come to Jesus to heal the pain in their lives, but not for the transformation to change their lives. Yes, God can and will heal your headache, but if you bang your head on the brick wall again, you’ll get another headache.

I’ve found sexual integrity is often the litmus test for whether a person really follows Jesus or not. It’s not a legalistic thing (although those people are out there, too). Here’s the deal: Do I love Jesus enough to love other people to the degree that I want to protect them from my own desires? Do I love my girlfriend enough do protect her from myself? Even if she wants it? Do I love Jesus enough to tell her no and wait for marriage?

Most of the complexities in our lives are because we’re not doing it God’s way. Living for God makes everything simpler, it really does.

Kudos to Dr. William Clark from The Lay Counselor Institute for this excellent analogy.

Does this strike a chord with you? Been there, done that, got the tee-shirt? Tell us in the comments or send us a private message with the Contact Us link above. We really want to hear from you. And if this would be helpful to someone else, please share it.

How to Disarm Offense

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America is in the middle of a cold civil war. It’s not a hot civil war like the 1860s, where we were physically shooting at each other, thank God. But just like the Cold War between the United States and the Soviet Union, it’s equally real. And this cold civil war is fueled, on both sides, by this one thing. Offense.

The spirit of offense is ravaging America right now. It’s deeply infected both political parties and it’s playing us for fools against each other. It’s a demonic strategy. And it’s totally eating our lunch.

Offense is the opposite of love on so many levels. Let’s compare and contrast love and offense, using the definition of love from 1 Corinthians 13:4-7.

Love… Offense…
… is patient. … shoots first and asks questions later.
… is kind. … posts dishonoring memes on FaceBook.
… does not envy. … is never satisfied.
… does not boast. … is self-righteous. Especially if it’s actually right.
… is not proud. … justifies itself. Offense is its own justification.
… does not dishonor others. … dehumanizes others.
… is not self-seeking. … is blinded to the very existence of others, since it doesn’t see them as human anymore.
… keeps no record of wrongs. … keeps a list like Santa Claus, checking it twice, categorizing people into naughty or nice.
… does not delight in evil. … laughs at & “likes” dishonoring memes on FaceBook.
… rejoices with the truth. … looks for the catch. Always suspicious, offense would be rather be cynical than naïve.
… always protects. … always attacks.
… always trusts. … always controls.
… always hopes. … has turned cynicism into an art form.
… always perseveres. … wants its pound of flesh yesterday.

Love covers a multitude of sins (1 Peter 1:8). Offense justifies a multitude of sins. Offense justifies all our bad behavior. Just look on FaceBook. I can post a nasty meme about someone I don’t even know if I don’t like their politics. All my friends will think it’s funny. Anyone who’s politics I find offensive must be a bad person. Really?

We need to respect other peoples’ dignity, even if we disagree with their politics, and even if they don’t respect our dignity. Especially when they don’t respect our dignity. They know, deep inside, their behavior is wicked. But it’s justified in their heart, because they know we’ll be wicked right back at them. And unfortunately, many Christians are. But when we don’t return wickedness for wickedness, mocking for mocking, or offense for offense, it gives their heart pause. And that is what lifts up the name of Jesus, not being right or winning the argument.

Respecting someone doesn’t mean we have to agree with them. The media and the culture have normalized a lot of wickedness we should not practice or condone. Sex outside of marriage. Abortion. Same-sex marriage. Transgenderism. As Christians, we have a responsibility to lovingly speak out against these anti-Biblical and self-destructive practices. But because we have the Holy Spirit, we can respectfully disagree without getting ugly about it. We can love those we disagree with. The world can’t.

Honestly, seeing non-Christians being disrespectful, while it’s reaching shocking new lows, doesn’t really bother me. We shouldn’t be surprised when pagans act like pagans. But seeing Christians, however, being disrespectful is what bothers me. The other side’s sin against us does not justify our sinful response.

So what can we do? Whatever your political persuasion, we, the people of God, can all do these 3 simple things.

1) Stop posting (and sharing and “liking”) disrespectful memes. Whether it’s President Obama, President Trump, Speaker Pelosi, or former Secretary of State Clinton, we have a Biblical mandate to respect the government officials that God put in place. (Romans 13:1-7, 1 Timothy 2:1-2.) However funny they are, and I admit I find some hilarious, disrespectful memes are slander. We need to stop. (Titus 3:1-2.)

2) Remember who the real enemy is. It’s not the other political party. No human being is the devil incarnate. Satan and his demonic forces are our enemy, not our fellow humans, even if they are deceived and ugly toward us.

3) Love the people on the other side. Disagree, yes. For God’s sake, disagree. The church has been bullied into complicit silence for far too long. But disagree lovingly. Don’t attack the other person, but speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15). Have a conversation, not a food fight. They have a right to disagree with you and still be treated civilly, just like you do. Don’t respond with ugliness for ugliness, disrespect for disrespect, evil for evil, but instead let us repay evil with good (Romans 12:17-21).

No one ever argued anyone into the Kingdom. But people get loved into the Kingdom all the time. We can do this.

What about you? Has there been a time when returning good for evil has won you a friend? A time when responding in love won you more than winning the argument? Tell us your story in the comments. And please share this post if it would bless others.

What 4 Things to Do when Someone Leaves Your Life

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This post is a follow-on to our previous post, The 2 Littlest Words Causing the 4 Biggest Problems, about setting boundaries. When you decide to set healthy boundaries in your life, it’s usually not all rainbows and unicorns. It can get really messy, because along with moving your life forward in a healthy way, setting boundaries often upsets the unhealthy apple carts of the people around us.

The purpose of living in community, like we were designed by God to do, is twofold: (1) To receive help from our community with our boulders—those burdens and life events too large to carry alone, and (2) to serve the community by carrying our own backpack—the personal responsibility each of us can and should carry on our own.

Our previous post identified & discussed the 4 boundary problems (from the excellent book Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend) that happen when we get our boulders and our backpacks confused.

  • Compliant – Won’t Say “No.” Seeing only boulders, these folks exhaust themselves trying to carry everyone else’s backpack. I was one of these. They get their value from doing good things for others. It’s hard to see because it looks so good. Often they’re trying to earn love.
  • Controller – Won’t hear “No.” Controllers violate other’s boundaries to force or manipulate others into carrying their backpack. Often they are abusers. Or they can be that person who argues with you when they ask you to do something and you say no. “Ok, but can you just…”
  • Non-Responsive – Won’t Say “Yes.” Seeing only backpacks, non-responsive people ignore their responsibility to love others by never helping anyone else with a boulder. They are often not emotionally available and see others as needy.
  • Avoidant – Won’t Hear “Yes.” This is someone who won’t let anyone else help carry their boulder. They will help others, but no one is allowed to help them. The vulnerability is too scary.

Think about a controller in a relationship with a compliant. This could be a marriage, a work relationship, or a family dynamic between siblings. It’s a sweet deal for the controller. The compliant covers for them. The compliant does their work for them. It all falls on the compliant. And the compliant gets to feel good because of all they’re doing, earning the love they desperately crave. Sweet deal.

Or think about a non-responsive in a relationship with an avoidant. The avoidant is never vulnerable, never asking for the help the non-responsive won’t give. Sweet deal for the non-responsive, not having to deal with a “needy” person. Sweet deal for the avoidant, avoiding all that scary vulnerability. Until the avoidant’s internal bitterness grows to the breaking point, and they both wonder where that messy explosion came from.

Such dysfunctional relationships are unhealthy for both parties and, although it might work in the short-term, it will fall apart and not work long-term. It’s a disaster waiting to happen.

Each of these (and many other) dysfunctional relationships have benefits for both sides. The controller gets to control. The compliant gets to earn love. The non-responsive never has to help. The avoidant never has to be vulnerable.

The problem is false advertising. None of these lead to the happiness they promised. They’re dysfunctional, and out of God’s great love for us, he doesn’t let them work for long.

So What Happens When…

… the compliant gets healthy and consistently tells the controller “no”?

… the controller gets healthy and neither needs nor wants the compliant to do everything for them anymore?

… the non-responsive gets healthy and asks the avoidant if they need help with that boulder they’ve been hiding?

… the avoidant gets healthy and consistently asks the non-responsive for help with legitimate boulders?

Yikes!

Here’s the deal.

Sick attracts sick. If our spouse is sick, so are we. If our boss has boundary issues, so do we. Both people are getting a benefit. A sick, dysfunctional, hurtful benefit that ultimately is not good for anybody, but it’s still a benefit. The thing is, when one sick person gets healthy, it upsets the whole apple cart.

The other sick person thinks, “Hey, wait a minute! What happened to our arrangement where we each took advantage of each other’s sickness? I thought we had a deal here!”

When one sick person gets healthy, the other sick person has a choice. Well, maybe not immediately. They can try to bully, manipulate, or punish you out of getting healthy and back into the comfortable, sick, arrangement. But if you stay healthy, they have a choice to make.

They can either get healthy also, or they can leave. Those are the only two possibilities. One of those two will happen. Sick will not live with healthy for long.

We hope and pray they stay and choose to get healthy. But they might leave. What can you do if they leave? You can do these 4, very important, things.

1) Let Them Leave.

You can’t stop them. You can’t control them. You can only control you. This can really hurt. I know. But the alternative is return to the sickness you just got free from. And if you do that, you’ve taught them sickness works. Their only chance for them to get healthy is if you stick to your guns. Call their bluff.

Getting healthy is a high stacks game of chicken. People who benefited from your sickness will not like you healthy. They will try to get you back into that old, sick, false, identity. Stick to your guns. Stay healthy. Set those boundaries you’re learning.

They will either relate to your new, healthy identity, or they will drop out of your life, which can be really painful. But if they choose to go, let them go.

2) Grieve the Loss.

When someone leaves your life, it’s the death of a relationship. It’s especially painful when it’s a spouse, a parent, a child, or some other family member. Allow yourself to grieve the loss. Allow yourself to go through the 5 stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance). They can change every day, come in any order, and repeat often.

Feel the feelings. Run into the pain. Find a healthy outlet for your grief. Maybe long walks, building something, working in your workshop, talking it through with a safe friend—whatever healthy outlet works for you.

You’ll go through all the phases. The trick is to not get stuck in one phase too long. For example, it’s common for people losing a relationship to get stuck in bargaining. If I can just explain it to them one more time; if I can just explain it better this time… Listen to your godly friends and family.

3) Realize the Story’s Not Over.

Even though we know it’s not God’s highest and best, honor their right to leave, without trying to manipulate them out of it. What?!? I know. But look, it may just be the catalyst they need to address the sickness in their own life.

Realize also that God moved in your life to bring you to a place where you’re ready to get healthy. They may not be there yet. You’ve upset their apple cart. Yes, it was a dysfunctional cart with poison apples that were hurting you both, and it needed to be upset. But just realize that you getting healthy has put them in a scary place where they are not in control. In fact, it may have been a long time since they felt this much out of control.  Give them some grace and some time to sort it out.

Now please, don’t delay getting healthy because of someone else’s reaction (real or feared). If it’s on your heart, this is God’s timing for you. Do it! Just be prepared for the storms, and to give other people the time, space, and grace to sort out the new you, the changes in your relationship, and what it means for them.

4) Pray, Pray, Pray.

As Christians, prayer is our largest, and probably most underused, weapon. It’s huge. When you commit to pray for someone over the long haul, you don’t even have to tell them you’re praying for them, and you can see positive effects (eventually) in their lives. Not always, but often. And often not quickly, but often eventually.

So take the plunge.

Get healthy. Set those boundaries. Dare to say and hear the words “yes” and “no” in the appropriate measures. Trust God to guard your heart instead of trying to do it yourself. It’s the scariest, but the most worthwhile, adventure you’ll ever take.

How about you?

Does this resonate? Tell us your story in the comments and please share if this would bless someone else.

The 2 Littlest Words Causing the 4 Biggest Problems

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Most relationship problems, and you could even say most sins in the world, come down to problems with this one thing. Boundaries. And most boundaries problems come down to the refusal to either hear or say one of two little words. “Yes” and “no.”

[The concepts in this post come from the excellent book Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. These two strong Christians have practiced psychology for decades and have amazing insight we desperately need. I wish I’d read this book 30 years ago.]

Backpacks and Boulders

Before we dive into boundaries, we need to talk briefly about backpacks and boulders. The definitive passage for boundaries is Galatians 6:2-5.

Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. If anyone thinks they are something when they are not, they deceive themselves. Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else, for each one should carry their own load. (Galatians 6:2-5)

I’ve bolded the two important phrases we’re going to call-out here.

“Carry each other’s burdens.” The word translated “burden” means “boulder.” It’s something too huge for a single person to move alone. Stuff like that happens in this life. We’re supposed to help each other when we see someone else under the crushing weight of a boulder. There’s no way they can bear that weight themselves.

“Each one should carry his own load.” The word translated “load” means “backpack.” It’s basically a military term for a soldier’s daily pack. It’s the weight each person is both capable of carrying and expected to carry on their own.

We get in trouble with boundary issues when we mix up our boulders and our backpacks. We don’t let anyone help with our boulders, while we try to get others to carry our backpacks.

The 4 Main Boundary Problems

Here are the 4 main boundary problems. People with healthy boundaries say, and hear, the words “no” and “yes” appropriately, in the correct situations. These issues result when we don’t.

  1. Compliant — Won’t say “No”
  2. Controller — Won’t hear “No”
  3. Non-Responsive — Won’t say “Yes”
  4. Avoidant — Won’t hear “Yes”

Let’s go through these 4 boundary problems one by one. See if you recognize yourself. I do.

1) The Compliant – Won’t Say No

A compliant person is happy to help, answering the call to carry everybody else’s backpack. They get burned out and overloaded, and believe they just need to try harder. It’s looks great on the outside. Everyone else praises them because they’re so helpful, but it’s a horrible way to live.

Their life is often controlled by others. In inner healing, we call this Performance Orientation. It’s hard sometimes to see this as a problem because they’re doing so many good things.

But if they’re doing the wrong good things, all these good things are actually stealing the calling on their life. All the time spent doing all the good things leaves no time or energy for the one Great Thing, that unique contribution to the world only they can bring. It’s tragic. The compliant life is tragedy with a bow.

The problem isn’t the things they’re doing. The problem is they’re getting their value from the things they’re doing, not from their relationship with Jesus. It’s a perversion of the Biblical principal of dying to yourself. (See Luke 9:23, one of my favorite verses. Yes, I was a compliant. I can still lean that way if I’m not careful.)

2) The Controller – Won’t Hear No

Controllers don’t accept other people’s boundaries. They don’t carry their own backpack. Controllers spend all their time and energy trying to get someone else to carry their backpack, because in their deception, they perceive it as a boulder. So every backpack God brings into their life to make them strong and help them grow is thrown away.

They take advantage of other people to get their needs met, or at least what they perceive as their needs. Do you know people who don’t accept a “no”? They argue with you. They try to work a deal. They say, “Ok, but just…” They are abusers in the making, if not already there. (There are many forms of abuse: physical, verbal, emotional, and even spiritual.)

Controllers have a scarcity mindset. Intrinsically believing there’s not enough love to go around, they have to control the situation to make sure they get their share.

3) The Non-Responsive – Won’t Say Yes

Non-responsive people set boundaries, but they’re the wrong boundaries. They set boundaries against loving other people. When someone comes to them with a legitimate need, they have no grid for it. “Why don’t they just deal with it?”

To non-responsives, everything’s a backpack. They don’t see boulders. So, for example, when their spouse reaches out to them with a legitimate need (maybe for time spent together, being treated decently, or maybe just being loved), they don’t help or even try to. “I’m carrying my backpack, why can’t you just carry yours? What’s wrong with you?” They brush off their responsibility to love, claiming the other person is just overly needy.

4) The Avoidant – Won’t Hear Yes

Avoidants also set the wrong boundaries. They set a boundary against being loved. That’s called a wall, by the way, and is not a healthy boundary.

They won’t let someone else help with their boulders. “I can do it myself.” Like the non-responsive, they don’t see boulders. Well, actually, they see other people’s boulders, but not their own. They’re happy and willing to help someone else, but they won’t let anyone help them. “My problems pale in comparison to others.”

The 2 Common Combinations

Often we have multiple boundary problems. There are 2 particularly common combinations. (If you put the list of 4 boundary problems above in a table, these would be the diagonals.)

The compliant-avoidant won’t say “no” to helping with other people’s problems, but they won’t say “yes” to allowing anyone to help them with theirs. Desperately trying to earn the love we all crave, they get their value from helping others, literally to a fault, while never being vulnerable enough to allow anyone to help them. This is the post-card picture of Performance Orientation. They help everyone carry their backpack while letting no one help them with their boulder.

The non-responsive-controller, on the other hand, won’t hear “no” and won’t say “yes.” They steamroll over other people, demanding their needs get met while totally ignoring the needs of others. This is the post-card picture of Narcissism. They demand everyone else carry their backpack while never helping anyone with their boulder.

The really sad thing is – these two diagonals often marry each other! For a non-responsive-controller, who better to manipulate into carrying their backpack, while doing nothing in return, than a compliant-avoidant? And who better to make a compliant-avoidant feel needed than a non-responsive-controller?

So What Really Makes These Tick?

The inner motivation for all of these is… wait for it….  Fear. Pure and simple fear. We use these mechanisms to guard our own heart instead of trusting God. We’re afraid, and we don’t trust him to protect us or value us, at least to some extent, so we have to do it ourselves.

It comes down to this. We don’t believe we’re loved for ourselves. By whatever means we got that message, how we were raised, trauma in our life, etc., it stuck. And so now we have to either earn love or control the situation to get it. The problem is, it never works for long. God loves us too much to let us be satisfied living like that.

The Way Out

Fortunately, Jesus is stronger than our boundary problems. But he’s also a gentleman. He won’t force our boundary issues from us. But he’ll bring infinite opportunities throughout our life to give them to him, to start trusting him with our hearts instead of our own devices.

Sometimes recognizing we have a problem is 90% of the solution. Naming that problem is also powerful, because we have power over what we can name. That’s why AA meetings famously start by saying, “I’m John, and I’m an alcoholic.” That’s why anger management counselors teach people words to label their emotions. “I’m not angry, I’m frustrated (or scared or lonely or tired or sad or shocked, etc)”.

The choice is ours.

Compliants – Start saying “no” to good things that deplete you. Your own self-care is just as worthy of your time.

Controllers – Begin to listen for “no.” Honor the other person’s right to say “no,” whether you think it’s silly in this circumstance or not. No means no. Trust God to bring you what you need. Face the fear.

Non-Responsives – Other people have boulders. Intentionally look for them. What’s one thing you can help your spouse/friend/co-worker with? Help them with something that seems like a boulder to them, even if it looks like a backpack to you.

Avoidants – Start saying “yes.” Let people in. Let people help you. We were designed to live in community, and avoidants totally get that as far as helping other people. But community works both ways. You’re not really living in community if you don’t let people help you. (Not control you, just help you.)

Now, an important note here. We justify our extremes by the other extreme. Compliants look at non-responsives and say, “I don’t want to be insensitive like them!”. And vice-versa. Non-responsives look at compliants and say, “I don’t want to be a doormat like them!” Same for controllers and avoidants.

Relax. No one’s trying to turn you into the other extreme. But we have to move in that direction if we’re going to move out of the unhealthy extreme we’re stuck in. Non-responsives need to be more sensitive to the needs around them. Compliants need to be less sensitive to, and controlled by, the needs around them. Etc.

If any of this is you, pray for grace to acknowledge it and repent. Pray for the grace to learn and be teachable, recognizing the opportunities God brings into your life to grow, to say and hear “yes” or “no” where you haven’t before.

So how about you?

Did you recognize yourself in these descriptions? Have you lived with these? How are your boundaries? Tell us your story in the comments, and please share if this would bless someone else.

Why You Can’t Forgive until You’ve Gotten Angry

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As we teach and write about Christian identity, we find one of the biggest obstacles to really finding and walking in our true identity is forgiveness. Nothing will derail the calling on your life more than unforgiveness. Yet, we find many Christians don’t really understand forgiveness. There’s a key ingredient to forgiveness that’s counter-intuitive, that you wouldn’t expect. Anger. You can’t forgive until you’ve been angry.

Now, we’re talking about the really bad stuff here. I not talking about somebody cutting you off in traffic or taking your parking space. Hopefully we can forgive petty things without needing to get angry. But to forgive the big stuff – abuse, abandonment, rejection, neglect, manipulation, betrayal, rape, coercion into an abortion – you have to get angry first. For a season.

Forgiveness is a process, not an event. “Oh yeah, I forgave him last Tuesday at 4:00.” It doesn’t work like that. For really bad stuff, it takes months or even years to completely forgive someone who’s done heinous evil to you. And it goes in cycles. You think you’ve forgiven, and then something triggers that old resentment to rise back up. That’s actually the Holy Spirit prompting you to take another journey through the process of forgiveness. If you submit to the process, it’ll go deeper this time, bringing you a greater level of healing and freedom.

The process of forgiveness parallels the process of grief. You may have seen the 5 stages of grief:

  • Denial
  • Anger
  • Bargaining
  • Depression (sadness)
  • Acceptance

These stages aren’t numbered because they don’t necessarily go in order and often repeat. They are all healthy and necessary. For a season. The trick is not to get stuck in one of them.

Forgiveness works the same way because you’re grieving a loss. Maybe of innocence. Maybe of trust. Maybe of a relationship that wasn’t what you thought it was. Maybe of dreams.

The thing is, to truly forgive, you have to be angry first. For a season.

Although as humans we’ve perfected getting it wrong into an art form, anger is actually a good thing. The truth is God made anger. He gave us the potential for that emotion. And used correctly, it’s a good and necessary thing. Anger is the godly response to injustice. Now, what we consider unjust displays our maturity, but we should be angry over true injustice. That’s not wrong. It’s godly.

If someone has committed a serious injustice against you, you should be angry. In fact, you can’t come to a place of forgiveness unless you get angry. It’s part of the forgiveness process. Here’s why.

You can’t forgive something that’s not sin; there’s no reason to. “It wasn’t that bad.” Unless we get angry to the level corresponding to the heinousness of the sin, we’re minimizing the sin against us. If you were raped, abused, lied to, manipulated, coerced, don’t minimize the sin against you. It was really bad. If you’re not angry, you’re forgiving the wrong sin. You’re not forgiving the real sin against you. You’re forgiving some other sin that wasn’t that bad.

It’s important to acknowledge the full extent of the sin against you. And that should make you angry. It’s only from that place that you can bring your anger to the cross and let it all out. Let Jesus have it. It’s only by acknowledging how much the person owes you that can forgive, coming to the place where they don’t owe you anything. It’s only by acknowledging the debt that you can forgive the debt.

We don’t want to get stuck in anger. Some people do and their unforgiveness tears them up. But it’s important to be angry for a season. Unload on God. He can take it. He wants it. When you yell and scream to God and let all that anger out to him, it goes straight to the cross. And it stays there. He gives you healing in its place. And you can then, from that place, forgive. Which sets you free.

So how about it? Have you gotten angry over the sin against you? Or are you minimizing it? What are you learning? Where are you in your journey of forgiveness? Tell us your story in the comments, and please share if it would bless someone else.

How to End Social Greed

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We all hate corporate greed. No one likes being reduced to a dollar sign. No likes being treated like a sales target. We can all feel when we’re being pitched and we hate it, especially when it’s clearly disingenuous and false.

The reason we hate it so much is that no one wants to be used by someone else just to make a buck. It’s fine for a company to make a profit. They have to feed their families too. But it becomes wrong when they do it by lying, cheating, deceiving, false-marketing, and generally treating people like inanimate objects (ATMs) rather than human beings.

It’s wrong to use people for one’s own ends. We all agree on this. Take cigarette companies for example. They profit by selling a product they know is harmful. They are harming their customer to make a sale. Yes, the customer has a choice, but profiting by exploiting someone’s woundedness is despicable. It’s nothing but pure, unadulterated, ugly greed.

This is the essence of greed. It embodies the worst side of business – companies serving themselves at the expense of their customers rather than truly serving their customers by solving real problems. We all hate corporate greed. It is an injustice that needs to stop.

But there’s a worse kind of greed. Our culture practices it all the time without realizing it. We actually are proud of it, patting ourselves on the back for it. But it’s just as much an injustice as corporate greed.

Social greed. Using someone else for our own ends. Harming someone else for our pleasure. “OMG, that’s horrible! Who would do that? That would be so wrong!” we exclaim. But we do this all the time, we are entertained by watching others do this, and we praise it as a good thing.

We participate in the injustice of social greed when we sleep with someone we’re not married to. We are using someone else to satisfy our own need. For men, we’re often getting our pleasure from using someone else. For women, it’s often the need for relationship. But in both cases, it is still using (and harming) another person for our own ends.

Sex sets up an eternal relationship between two people. You give your sexual partner a piece of your heart. Forever. F-O-R-E-V-E-R. That’s a long time. After enough partners, you don’t have a heart left. So when you finally meet the one God has for you, you want to give your heart fully, and you don’t have a heart left to give. How tragic is that.

This is greed. Social greed. And it’s just as wicked and harmful as the greed of cigarette companies. It’s an injustice that needs to stop. And you can help stop it with these two tips.

1) Stop allowing yourself to be an object of social greed.

If you’re dating someone who says they love you and wants to sleep with you, they’re lying. Pure and simple. They may not know what real love is. But if they want to sleep with you outside of marriage, it’s not love they’re feeling for you. It’s greed. It’s hunger. They want to use you for their own pleasure. You’re an object to them, not the person you are to God. Say “no” and dump them flat.

You deserve better. Yes, you do. If you think not, please, take a season off from dating. Get healing for the pain inside that causes you to want to trade sex for hearing someone say they love you. Jesus has so much more for you.

2) Stop practicing social greed.

When we sleep with a someone we’re not married to, we’re using them for our pleasure. Sex is the greatest possible expression of love; namely, “I have (past tense) committed my life to you.” There is no greater expression of love for another person than having committed your life to them. This is the love sex expresses.

The problem is, if you’re not married, you haven’t committed your life to them. You can walk away. So you’re expressing “I have committed to you” when you haven’t. What is it called when you express something that’s not true? A lie! That’s why sex outside of marriage is a lie.

It’s not the cigarette companies any more exploiting customers for their profit. It’s us exploiting people for our pleasure, our own needs. Just as wicked, just as harmful. Social greed is an injustice that needs to stop. Wait for marriage.

When did life get complicated?

Think about it. Look back on your life. When did it get complicated? Have the broken relationships, the people you’ve slept with and are no longer in relationship with – have those added joy to your life, or have they added pain?

We see “Sex is Salvation” constantly all over the media. But it’s false advertising. Sex outside of marriage just adds immeasurable pain to our lives, stealing piece after piece of our heart. No one rolls into January 1 thinking, “I can’t  wait for 3 more broken relationships this year!”

The Good News

The good news is Jesus restores your heart when you repent. Repenting literally means “turning around and going the other direction.” It means changing lifestyles. It means committing to wait for marriage from this point forward. It means trusting God and doing it his way. And God will honor that.

So how about you? Are you ready to commit to doing it God’s way and letting him restore your heart? Tell us your story in the comments. And please share on social media if this post would help someone else.

How to Agree in 3 Questions

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We know agreement is a key to any kind of successful partnership, whether it’s in business, a marriage, or a creative partnership. Unity is a powerful thing that can weather any storm. When troubles destroy a relationship, be it a marriage or a business or what have you, it’s not the troubles that actually destroyed it. It was the lack of agreement. The circumstances just exposed the area of disunity.

Here’s a radical statement, but it’s true. Human agreement is even strong enough to thwart the plans of God. Now just give me a minute here, and I’ll prove it. It’s one of in the craziest stories in the Bible. It’s in Genesis 11, the Tower of Babel.

The backstory is God, when he created people, gave us the charge to, “Be fruitful and multiply. Fill the whole earth and subdue it.” (Genesis 1:28) God’s plan was for humanity to scatter itself over the whole face of the earth.

But we had a better idea in Genesis 11:4: “Come, let us build ourselves a city, with a tower reaching to the heavens, so that we may make a name for ourselves and not be scattered over the face of the earth.” They had agreement. They had unity. Done deal.

Now this is the crazy part. In Genesis 11:6, even God admits their human agreement was stronger than his plan: “If as one people speaking the same language they have begun to do this, then nothing will be impossible for them.” Translation: “I’d better do something here.”

And he did. God intervened. Basically, he cheated. Those of us who know God chuckle at this, because we know he so does this, all the time. He came down and confused the languages. No communication, no agreement, problem solved. Look at Genesis 11:8: “So the Lord scattered them from there over all the earth.” God’s plan wins after all.

Now this is a negative example of the power of agreement and unity. Just imagine how strong agreement is when it’s actually for something God is doing. Imagine how powerful agreement can be if, along with agreeing with each other, we’re also in agreement with God! Obstacles, get out of the way, you’re about to be road-kill!

So why is agreement so hard? How often has this conversation happened:

Husband (or business partner or wife): “Don’t you see the logic of this decision? A implies B implies C, botta bing, botta boom, and there you go!”

Wife (or other business partner or husband): “Well, I guess it does make sense…”

Husband (or first business partner or wife): “Great! We’re in agreement! Off we go!”

And it results in disaster. The wife (or business partner #2) was never in agreement with the decision to begin with. They feel bullied and steam-rolled over. Meanwhile, the husband (or business partner #1) is flabbergasted and shocked, because he was sure they were in agreement. He went out of his way to talk about it with the other person before implementing the decision!

The problem is, while they were in logical agreement, they were not in agreement. The thing many people don’t realize is this: There are 3 parts to agreement.

(1) Logical Agreement.

“Do you THINK this is the right thing to do?”

In other words, you both agree on the logic. Unfortunately, many people stop right there thinking they’re in agreement with the other person, but they aren’t yet. Yes, you do need to have logical agreement, but if that’s all you’re going on, it’s a lose-lose and you’re headed for a crash. One gets steam-rolled and the other is shocked to find himself (or herself) in the middle of a huge disagreement over something he (or she) thought they both agreed on.

(2) Emotional Agreement.

“Is this what you WANT to do?”

Even if the other person sees your logic, if it’s not what they want to do, you’re not in agreement yet. If it’s not what both of you want, then maybe there’s some piece of logic you missed. We can twist logic to arrive at almost any foregone conclusion. God often speaks through that nagging feeling that we just don’t want to do a thing, but we can’t put our finger on why.

(3) Spiritual Agreement.

“Do you have a PEACE in your spirit that this is what God wants you to do?”

You both truly have a sense that this really is God. Yes, you know this is what God wants you to do. It passes the peace test. “Do you have a peace about this decision?” Both people need to have an uncoerced “yes” to be in agreement.

If you both answer “yes” to all of these 3 questions, then you’re in agreement and you can move forward. If not, time to go back and pray more, separately and together, over the decision, asking the Lord for agreement. God often gives each spouse (or partner in a business) a piece. So often, working out the decision together with the other person leads to a better solution than either would’ve come up with on their own.

Now this assumes both parties are healthy, seeking connection in their marriage or partnership, rather than seeking a safe-distance. Sometimes fear and wounding prevents agreement, and you’ve got to go the way God’s leading you anyway. But I wouldn’t recommend that without specifically hearing from the Lord. Pursue agreement for a God-defined season first.

So what do you think? Does this ring true? Have you been in agreement with someone that really wasn’t agreement? How’d that go? Or, do you have a successful strategy in pursuing agreement? Tell us in the comments; someone may benefit from your story. And please share on social media if this would bless someone else.

4 Ways to Help Grieving People

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As Americans, we don’t feel comfortable around other people’s grief. We don’t know how to act. We don’t have a healthy understanding of grief. Death is a legitimate part of life. We ignore it. We pretend it’s not there. We’ve abstracted it away, and we really don’t know how to deal with it ourselves, let alone help someone else who is grieving a loss. We get really uncomfortable around grieving people because we have no grid for it.

A Brief Look Inside

What are our motivations? We want them to stop hurting. That’s good. But are we wanting that truly for them, or for us, because we feel uncomfortable around their pain? I admit there’ve been times I’ve said something I hoped would cheer them up, so the conversation would get all happy again. It was more about me being uncomfortable around their pain than it was about really caring about them.

We’ve never been taught how to be around people who are grieving. I pray this post gives you a grid for this. We need to learn how to be around other people’s pain. The first step is to understand grief.

We All Need to Grieve Sometimes. It’s OK.

By and large, a lot of stuff happens in this life that we need to grieve. Here’s a brief list:

  • Death of a loved one. Even if they’re saved, it’s never easy.
  • Abortion. Secular society applauds post-abortives, and the church shames them. Neither allows them to grieve.
  • Miscarriage. Never tell someone it was for the best. It wasn’t. They just lost a child.
  • Abuse. Never ok, and never the victim’s fault.
  • Divorce. Devastating.
  • Parent’s divorce. Someone else ripped your foundations apart.
  • Children’s divorce. Just as devastating.
  • Leave a church. Lots of church hurt out there.
  • Loss of relationship. Falling out of relationship with a friend, family member, co-worker, etc.
  • Job loss. Can be shattering to identity.
  • Change of career. Can be scary.
  • Loss of a home. Can be shattering to identity.
  • Health trauma. Car accident, military amputee, physical condition or disease, cancer, etc.

I’m sure you can think of more. All of these things represent loss. Anytime there’s a loss in our life, we need to grieve.

What Grief Is

Most of us don’t even know what grief is. Grief is the process of accepting a painful loss. It’s reconciling the painful things that happen in this world with my sense of being ok.

Grief is going through these 5 phases:

  • Denial
  • Anger
  • Bargaining
  • Depression
  • Acceptance

These aren’t numbered because they don’t necessarily go in order. You can be totally fine with the loss one day (acceptance) and overflowing with anger about it the next. And the next day you’re just sad (depression). And they can repeat. You can come out of sadness (depression) only to be really angry about it again.

That’s ok. That’s normal. That’s healthy. It’s healthy to spend seasons in each one of these emotional phases, sometimes multiple times. The trick is not to get stuck permanently in any one phase, except acceptance, where we eventually want to land.

God gives us as much healing as we can stand at a time. We may have made it to acceptance six months ago and think we’re totally done with grieving. But then, Wham!, something triggers strong emotion and all of a sudden God’s taking us through these phases again at a deeper level, to gain a deeper level of healing.

That’s normal. There’s nothing wrong with you.

4 Ways to Help Grieving People

There’s a really good model for helping grieving people in the Bible. Job’s three friends usually get a bad rap, but they actually got it right for a whole week. Then they opened their mouths, and it was all downhill from there (see Job chapters 4-31.)

Look at Job 2:11-13:

When Job’s three friends, Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite, heard about all the troubles that had come upon him, they set out from their homes and met together by agreement to go and sympathize with him and comfort him. When they saw him from a distance, they could hardly recognize him; they began to weep aloud, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads. Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was.

1) Just Be with Them.

Job’s friends totally got this right. They just sat with him in the ashes of his life. Can you bring someone their favorite latte, and just sit with them, drinking it on the porch? Don’t try to say anything. Don’t try to make it better. You can’t. Just be there. They need your presence more than your words.

Please don’t say Christian-quippy things to cheer them up. You know, things like:

  • “It was for the best.” No it wasn’t! That’s why I’m grieving.
  • “Time heals all wounds.” Thank you Captain Obvious, but now I need to grieve.
  • “You’ll get over it.” Thank you for revealing you’re not a safe person for me to grieve around. I’ll make sure I always wear my happy mask around you.

Don’t try to cheer them up. Just your being there will do that, so don’t try to force it. Let them be sad, angry, whatever (obviously as long as they’re not being a danger to themselves or anyone else. In that event, call 911.) Don’t be afraid of their emotions. It’s ok for them display strong emotions.

2) Acknowledge the Pain and Validate their Grief.

It took Job a whole week to feel safe with his friends. When he finally spoke and expressed his grief, he probably wished he’d waited another week. They immediately launched into how all his troubles where really his own fault. Predictably, that did not help the grieving person. Here are some better examples:

“Job, you’ve just lost your family, your career, and all your savings in a few days. It really hurts, doesn’t it?” Phrasing it like a question invites Job to share his pain.

“You’ve experienced tremendous loss, Job. You need to grieve.”

“I’m sorry you’re hurting. You’ve been through a lot. It’s not easy, is it?”

C’mon, Eliphaz, would that have been so hard?

3) Reflect their Feelings Back

“So you feel like God’s abandoned you?” Try to put the person’s feelings into your own words and ask them if you’re understanding correctly. You don’t even have to be right for this to help them tremendously. Just the fact that someone cares enough about them to try to understand is hugely comforting.

Drawing their feelings out in a safe, non-judgmental, environment helps them process. They may not even know what’s going on inside, and articulating it to you helps them get in touch with those feelings, which helps them work through them.

Get out the thesaurus on your phone. “You say you’re feeling sad. Is that like melancholy or more bitter? Do you feel blue or hopeless?” Invite them to drill deeper into how they feel.

4) Pray & Intercede for Them.

Pray with them before you leave, but also pray for them when you’re alone. Our prayers for others are powerful. People can actually feel us praying for them, although they may not realize that’s where the relief they feel is coming from.

Don’t pray that God would take away the pain or rescue them from it. They need to grieve the loss. Instead, pray that God is tangibly with them in it. Pray that he brings them through it. Ask God to give you his heart for them. Ask him how you can show them they’re loved.

Because that’s what grieving people need the most. They need to know they’re loved in the middle of it all.

How about you?

Did someone help you when you were grieving? Did they do something well-meaning but stupid that really didn’t help? What have you learned about helping grieving people that I missed? Tell us your thoughts in the comments. And please share on social media if this would bless someone else.