Why You Don’t Want to Be the Good Guy

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You don’t want to be the good guy in interpersonal relationships. It’s counter-intuitive, but you really don’t. What?!? Are you saying I should be the bad guy? No, of course not. In the world’s scarcity mindset we fall into so easily and often, those are the only two options. But in the Kingdom, there’s another choice.

The problem with being the good guy is there has to be a bad guy. When I was about 10, I remember overhearing my dad talking to one of his sisters about their mom. My aunt was upset because my grandmother was seemingly irrationally angry with her. My dad reassured her, “Don’t worry, it’s not you. You know how it is with Mom. Somebody’s always the villain. This week it’s you, next week it’ll be somebody else.” He was one of 8 children on a poor cotton farm in Oklahoma. It was a hard life. There were plenty of potential villains.

Life is hard. There are plenty of potential villains to blame. And plenty of real ones. People often do mean and hurtful things. Sometimes unknowingly, but sometimes on purpose. Bad guys abound. But don’t be the good guy.

The thing that trips us up isn’t the evil done to us. It’s our evil response to it. Yes, the evil done to us is horrible. I’m not minimizing that. But it has no power over us, only over our circumstances. What has power over us is our own response.

Viktor Frankl, a Holocaust survivor who went on to become one of the 20th century’s most famous neurologists, said this:

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” – Viktor Frankl

The problem with sitting in the good guy chair is it forces someone else into the bad guy chair. There can’t be a good guy without a bad guy.

But they are the bad guy! Just look at what they did! Look at what they’re doing! Our American society has perfected this into an art form. We categorize everyone into good guys we agree with and bad guys we’re offended by. And our offense justifies all of our wicked, shameful, ungodly memes and treatment of those people we disagree with. We’ve matured as a prejudiced society. We’re not as prejudiced against skin color or ethnicity as much as we’re prejudiced against ideas. Hell couldn’t be more proud.

Do you see it? Do you see the error? Do you see the worldly thinking? They’re doing something bad, so they’re the bad guy! No. We are not what we do. God doesn’t see us like that. He sees us through the lens of who he created us to be, not through the lens of our behavior. Jesus died to make that possible.

God did not see Moses as a hot-tempered murderer, but as an iconic deliverer (see Exodus 2:11-12 and Exodus 3-4).

God did not see Gideon as a hiding coward, but as a mighty man of valor (see Judges 6:11-16).

God did not see Paul as the chief of sinners, a persecutor of the church, but as His personally chosen instrument to bring the gospel to the Gentiles (see Acts 8:1-3, Acts 9:1-15, and 1 Timothy 1:15-16).

God does not see the wicked people in our life through the lens of the wickedness they do. If we believe this Christian life is truly learning to be more and more like Jesus, then we need to learn to see people like he does. And we do that by letting them out of the bad guy chair.

The problem with putting people who hurt us in the bad guy chair is it puts us in the good guy chair. And we really do look good, sitting pretty in that good guy chair. It feels so justified. But there’s a problem. There’s a catch. The good guy chair has another name. A secret, hidden name. The victim chair. And you don’t want to sit there.

So here’s the deal. The only way out of the victim chair is by letting the other person out of the bad guy chair. And there’s only one way to do that. Forgiveness. I wrote a whole post on forgiveness here with two great lists – what it is and what it isn’t.

But suffice it to say here that forgiveness does not mean a lack of accountability, healthy boundaries, or consequences. If someone’s committed a crime against you, unless the Holy Spirit tells you differently, you have a spiritual responsibility to press charges in order to prevent future victims. And bringing that accountability also invites the person to deal with their own actions, and hopefully get healing for the root wounding that’s causing them.

God does not give us a bye on behavior. For example, although God saw Paul as his chosen instrument to bring the gospel to the Gentiles, when he appeared to Paul (then Saul), he said, “Why do you persecute me?” Jesus is like, “I want relationship with you. Here’s the awesomeness I’ve created you to be. But this stuff, your current behavior, acting out of the lies you believe, is in the way. Let’s deal with it together. Let me replace those foundational lies with my truth.” Jesus dealt with Paul’s stuff.

We are totally supposed to judge behavior as good or bad (see James 2:11, 1 Corinthians 5). But we are not supposed to judge people as good or bad (Matthew 7:1-2). That’s up to God alone. He doesn’t even trust the angels with that one (see Matthew 13:24-30).

So how do you forgive someone who’s done horrible wrong to you and is unrepentant? I had someone do something that was devastating to my family. We still are living in the fallout, and probably will for many years, if not permanently. This person is, as far as I know, unrepentant. I’ve never received an apology, let alone any attempt at restitution, and probably never will. My (fortunately few) dealings with them often display the same issues in this person’s life.

I had real trouble forgiving this person. Yes, I tried, I prayed the prayers and said the words. I wanted to forgive. But my heart was angry at the injustice of it all. So I got help. I got some inner healing prayer ministry. While the prayer minister was praying for me, I had a vivid vision of Jesus hanging on the cross. He asked me, “Have I hung here long enough to pay you back for the evil this person did to you? Or do you want me to hang here a little longer?” No condemnation in his voice, just an honest question.

I was undone. The dam burst and the tears could not be contained. I wept openly, letting all that pain of all that injustice go to Him on that cross. I’d always understood Jesus died for my sins against others and against him. But I’d never thought that he suffered and died for others sins against me. I answered him in my thoughts, “No Jesus, you don’t have to hang there any longer. It’s enough. What you’ve already done is enough.” And in that moment, really for the first time, I was able to forgive that person. I was able to release that person from what they owed me. The pain in my life they caused. The pain in my family’s life. The lack of even a simple apology. I don’t need it anymore. Jesus paid it all.

This whole good buy/bad guy thing really goes all the way back to the Garden of Eden. This was the original choice we were given then and are still given every single day in every single situation and circumstance. The choice between the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil and the Tree of Life. The choice to categorize people into good guys and bad guys, or to offer Jesus’ life to everyone, EVERYONE, independent of their actions.

So that’s my challenge to us today. Certainly don’t be the bad guy, but don’t be the good guy either. Be the Life Guy. Offer life to a sick, dying and hurting world, as you shine like stars in the heavens (see Philippians 2:15).

How about you? Have you let someone out of the bad guy chair? What difference did it make in your life? Has someone let you out of the bad guy chair? How did that change the relationship? Tell us in the comments. Your story will help others. And please share on social media (convenience buttons below) if you think this would help someone else.

I learned the concepts in this post, especially the good guy and bad guy chairs, from Rev. Jean Trainer of Dominion Counseling and Training Center, in Richmond, VA. Well worth a visit if you’re in the area. You’ll be glad you went.

The 3 Most Dangerous Communication Styles

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The concepts in this post come from Danny Silk’s book, Keep Your Love On: Connection, Communication, and Boundaries. This book has really rocked my world. I wish I’d read it 20 years ago. A short, easy read, it’s one of those books that you want to read every year. I cannot recommend it highly enough. You can get your own copy here. This is not an affiliate link, I get no commission or any other benefit if you click and buy. But you certainly will. It’ll transform your relationships!

What are the three most dangerous animals in the world? The ones we turn into when we communicate from a place of fear, because they damage or destroy our connection with other people. For many of us, we don’t even realize we’re doing it. Many of us grew up with families that communicated this way, and we think it’s normal. It’s all we know so it’s what we do.

But it’s not normal. It damages our connection with those we love. What if you knew there was another way to communicate? What if there was another option?

The premise of healthy communication is this:

“I cannot control another person. The only person I can control, on a good day, is myself.” – Danny Silk

The goals of healthy communication, then, are not to force or manipulate the other person into doing what we want. The goal of healthy communication is first and foremost to understand. Powerful people are not afraid of someone else’s point-of-view. They’re not afraid of someone’s disagreement. They are comfortable and bold being themselves, and they are not afraid to let others be themselves.

But when we get into fear, we start communicating from a motivation to get our needs met, instead of to understand. How many of these unhealthy communication styles have you used? I know I have used them all.

A disclaimer: The word-pictures describing these communication styles are simply to help us understand the intangible by making it a little more tangible. These caricatures describe how the person is behaving, not the person’s identity. We are not what we do.

Suppose the husband is driving too fast around a curvy, one-lane mountain road, too fast for the wife’s comfort at least. She has 4 choices of how to respond.

1) Unhealthy Aggressive Communication – The T-Rex

The T-Rex yells and screams. A big bully, the T-Rex uses intimidation to win the argument and get his or her way. Despite the volume and the bluster, the T-Rex really feels powerless and afraid. If they didn’t, they wouldn’t bully the other party. They don’t trust the other person to care about their need. Terrified their need won’t be met, they use intimidation to get their way. The message of a T-Rex communicator is, “I matter, you don’t matter.”

The wife in our example could choose to play the T-Rex and yell at her husband, using intimation and name-calling, “Slow down, you idiot! You’re going to get us killed! What kind of moron are you, driving like that!”

2) Unhealthy Passive Communication – The Goat

The goat is the opposite of the T-Rex. The goat is just as powerless and afraid of not getting his or her needs met, but instead of hiding that fear with bluster and blather like the T-Rex, the goat hides that fear with silence. Not saying anything at all. They would rather keep the peace then risk saying what they know needs to be said.

They misunderstand Bible verses about sacrifice and dying to self. They’re confused by Matthew 5:9, which reads, “Blessed are the peace makers,” not peace keepers.

The goat’s message through their communication is, “You matter, I don’t.” Counter-intuitively, goat’s and T-Rexes often end up in relationships together, because they both believe the T-Rex matters, and the goat does not. The goat sacrifices body parts (i.e., more and more of their identity) to the T-Rex to keep the peace.

“At the end of the day, the goat ceases to exist, and the T-Rex is still hungry.” – Danny Silk

A wife playing the goat in our example would just white-knuckle the drive, not saying anything. She’d swallow the fear, close her eyes, pray, whatever, anything but start the confrontation that needs to happen.

3) Unhealthy Passive-Aggressive Communication – The Chocolate-Covered Dragon (CCD)

This one is the most dangerous of all, because they look so good to everyone except the person in relationship with them. CCD’s look great on the outside. They’re chocolate after all. What’s not to like? But the other person is the only one who knows how they act in private, when the dragon comes out.

Chocolate Covered Dragons will have a great conversation with you. They’ll contribute, pretend to understand, and appear to agree whole-heartedly. But later, they won’t do anything they agreed to, denying ever making a commitment. They throw it all back on you for “misunderstanding” the conversation. You begin to wonder, “Did we really say that? Am I remembering right? Am I crazy?”

The truth is, no, you’re not crazy and, yes, you’re remembering correctly. The CCD is twisting the facts (and they know it) to manipulate getting their way.

The CCD feels powerless and terrified their needs won’t get met. But they don’t want to go all T-Rex because they know that makes them look bad. Keeping up appearances is very important to CCDs; they are terrified to let the real “me” show. So by lying and manipulation, they make you look bad to get their way and get their needs met.

The CCD’s message to the world through their communication style is, “I matter. You matter; no, not really.”

Back to our example. If the wife of our crazy driver chooses to communicate like a chocolate-covered dragon, she won’t say anything. The whole evening. There won’t be any harsh words, but they’ll be plenty of harsh non-verbal communication.

The husband picks up on it. “What’s wrong, honey?”

“Nothing.” But the atmosphere communicates daggers.

“Seriously, what’s the matter?”

“If you loved me, you would know.” And she makes him pay.

Or there’s another choice.

4) Healthy Assertive Communication – Royalty

The Bible says we are kings and queens (Proverbs 25:2, Romans 8: 17-37, Ephesians 1:18). So often we don’t act like who we really are. We need someone to teach us how to act like kings and queens. In Christian lingo, we call that “sanctification.”

Kings and queens are powerful. They know who they are, so they aren’t threatened by who someone else is. Being royalty, they have an abundance mindset, not a scarcity mindset. They aren’t threatened or jealous of someone else’s success or happiness. If I’m acting like royalty, then in our relationship, I get to be me and you get to be you.

Powerful people communicate assertively. They don’t either hide or bull-doze. They don’t say one thing while intending another. Their message to the world through their communication is, “I matter. You matter.” And they mean it. They live it. They can disagree with someone while still honoring them.

Instead of telling the other person what to do and feel, an assertive communicator talks about how they feel and what they need. They say things like, “I feel _____ when ____. I need to feel ____.” For example, our wife of the crazy driver, choosing to communicate assertively, might say something like this:

“When you drive like this, I feel scared, and my fear makes me angry. I need to feel safe. I need to feel like you’re protecting me, not threatening me.”

Then she trusts her husband to care about her needs more than his own adrenaline rush. Powerful people communicate how they feel and what they need by “asserting” it – stating it. They trust the other person to meet their needs, and allow them do to it on their own terms.

Regardless of how she communicates, our crazy-driver husband now has a choice. He can respond:

  • Like a powerless T-Rex bent on his own way, unable to meet the legitimate needs of another. “Hey, baby, don’t worry, I’ve never gotten into an accident and I know every inch of this road. When you get in the car with me, it’s all sit down, shut up, and hand on!”
  • Like a powerless goat, terrified of someone’s displeasure because they believe the lie they have to earn love. “I’m so sorry. I’ll never speed again. In fact, maybe you should drive. You’re a much better driver than I am.”
  • Like a powerless chocolate-covered dragon, unable to truly meet the needs of another, but coy enough to pretend to. “Oh, I’m sorry. Yeah, I was going too fast there, wasn’t I?” Then they slow down. But the speed creeps back up slowly. If the wife says something again, they act hurt and put-off, twisting it to make it the wife’s fault. “I am going slower! Why won’t you meet me half-way? There’s just no pleasing you!” Technically they didn’t lie, they are going slower. They’re going 59 instead of 60.
  • Like royalty, assertively. “Oh, does that bother you? I’m sorry. I want you to feel safe. Of course I’ll slow down.” And they slow down and keep it down.

But what do you do when you’re doing your best to be assertive, and are constantly met by a T-Rex, goat, or chocolate-covered dragon? How does a healthy assertive communicator respond to these unhealthy communication styles?

How to Assertively Respond to an Aggressive T-Rex

Royalty does not tolerate being bullied. They simply do not accept such treatment. They freely give respect to others, and they expect to receive it. Here are some practical ideas.

Meet them in a public place, like a coffee shop or fast-food, where you pay upfront. In public, there’s social pressure on them to not start yelling. And because you paid up front, you don’t have a check to pay holding you there. You can get up and leave if necessary.

After an unheeded warning (just one), say something like, “I want to talk with you about this, I want to spend time with you, but you cannot talk to me like that. We can try this again whenever you’re ready. Let me know.” Then get up and leave.

Here are some other examples.

  • “I want to talk about this with you, but when you yell and scream I feel disrespected, and I need to feel valued. We can continue this conversation when you’re ready to treat me respectfully.” Then walk out of the room and close (not slam) the door.
  • If you are physically abused, or your spouse is breaking things, call the police. Every time. Royalty does not tolerate disrespect.

How to Assertively Respond to a Passive Goat

Ask questions. Wait for their answer. Get comfortable with uncomfortable silence. Don’t break it, wait for them. Empower them with the question, “What are you going to do?” In extreme cases, you may have to say, “I really value your opinion. I want to understand how you feel about this. I need you to take responsibility for expressing how you feel. Will you share with me?”

You’re inviting them into a place of real intimacy, of being truly valued and loved.

How to Assertively Respond to a Passive-Aggressive Chocolate-Covered Dragon (CCD)

This one can be the hardest because no one else gets it. You’ll have to be prepared to accept only you and Jesus knowing you’re not crazy. Often, writing things down during a conversation with a CCD can help tremendously, because then they can’t twist it and cast doubt on your memory.

The big thing to communicate to a CCD is, “I really want to hear your heart. So let’s table this until you’re ready to tell me what’s really going on.”

How about you?

The reason understanding is the #1 goal in communication is because our ultimate goal is creating a healthy connection with the other person. This does not mean we never disagree or become the goat! On the contrary, it means we disagree whenever we need to. But we do it respectfully, whether the other person does or not.

Guarding our connection means confrontation, not appeasement. I talked about confrontation skills in this post based on a Danny Silk video. The link to that video is in the post (again, not an affiliate link).

Does this resonate with you? Tell us in the comments how you or someone else communicated assertively and it made all the difference. And please share if you think this would bless someone else.

5 Steps to Help Anyone with Anything

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We’ve probably all heard snippets of Trans-Siberian Orchestra’s first Christmas album, Christmas Eve and Other Stories, but do you know the theme of that album? If you buy the CD, there’s a story woven between the song lyrics. God sends his tiniest angel to Earth on Christmas Eve to bring back a token of what people do to honor the birth of God’s son. The angel weaves in and out of many people’s lives that Christmas Eve and brings back many tokens, but the upshot is the best honor of Christ’s birth is the wish of one heart for the good of another. That’s all. Simple. Honest. No strings attached. No hidden agenda.

I really believe, by and large, the church is like that. We all want to help people. We really do. It’s been my experience (mostly), that people who really love Jesus, when you strip away all the pain and all the confusion and the deception and the fear they may be living in, really do want the good of the other person.

The problem is, we don’t know how. We haven’t been trained how to really help someone. So we default to the ways of the world, rules and control. So often the church is about sin management instead of practicing the presence of Jesus.

We often try to control people’s behavior with fear of punishment instead of training people how to steward freedom powerfully. God created us to be powerful stewards of the freedom Jesus bought for us on the cross, not powerlessly victims of circumstances, bound by the sin of ourselves and others.

I came across this video from Danny Silk, about how to help someone with a problem. This is the best instruction I’ve ever seen on helping someone solve a problem. And it’ll work for pretty much anything. It’s about 20 minutes, but so well worth it! I’ll summarize it for you in the rest of this post.

When people are stuck, they feel powerless. The beauty of Danny Silk’s method is it restores a person’s power. And it does so by asking questions. As you’ll see, everything’s done with questions. You don’t tell the person anything. You just ask questions. Ready to dive in? Here we go.

Step 1: Empathy – How Do They Feel?

This is where we build trust. We listen to the person’s story. We’re not looking for what they did wrong or what they need to do right. We’re looking for how they feel. And we parrot it back to them as a question. Does that make you feel betrayed? Or maybe, Did that make you angry? Or even something as generic as, Wow, that hurts, doesn’t it?

The beauty of it is, you don’t even have to be right. If you guess wrong, don’t worry, they’ll correct you. In trying to understand how they feel, whether we’re right or wrong, we communicate to them, “You matter. I’m trying to understand.” Everyone wants to be accepted and understood. They know we’re on their side. They can trust us. The walls come down.

Step 2: Empowerment – “What are you going to do?”

We have to realize this is their problem. We cannot solve another person’s problem. God created us all to be powerful people, taking ownership of, and responsibility for, our own problems.

Sometimes, when people are feeling stuck and powerless, they will try to get you to solve their problem. They often would love to get you in a parental role of telling them what to do, and then watch you try to make them do it. It’s then your fault when they don’t do it, and now it’s your problem, not theirs.

“What are you going to do?” is the most empowering question you can ask. It communicates clearly that there’s no confusion about who’s problem this is. And it reminds the person they’re powerful. They can do something.

Often though, they are still feeling powerless and overwhelmed, so they might answer, “I don’t know what I’m going to do.” And that leads perfectly into Step 3.

Step 3: Exploration – “What have you tried so far?”

This is another empowering question. It reminds them they have the power to do something. They may not be able to change their circumstances, but they have the power to choose how they respond.

You’re giving them value by expecting them to make choices and do things. You’ve taken it for granted that they’re powerful. And that rubs off, they begin to feel powerful again going through this with you. And you’re still trying to understand, which builds them up.

Step 4: Education – “Would you like to hear some ideas?”

Finally, we get to the step where we can recommend they take certain actions we think might be helpful. But we still don’t tell them do to anything. That’s not our place. Like Alex Trebek on Jeopardy!, we put our advice in the form of a question. For example, we don’t say, “You need to read this book.” Instead, we say, “Have you read this book?”

If we tell them what book they need to read, even if it’s true, we’re re-lapsing back into control. They will often immediately get defensive and tell you why it won’t work before they’ve even read it. But if you ask, they have all the power. You’re acknowledging it’s ok if they don’t read it. It’s just an idea; it’s their choice, with no pressure.

We don’t just start telling them what they need to hear, as tempting as that is, especially when we know we’re totally right. Instead, ask permission. “Can I share something that’s helped in my life?” Now you’re not preaching at them, they’ve asked for the information. You’re helping them feel powerful again. They can say, “Yes I want to hear” or “No I don’t”.

Step 5: Empowerment – “What are you going to do?”

Yeah, I know, we did this step already. But that’s the empowering thing about this process. We always come back to, “What are you going to do?” This is their problem, and they have the power to do something about it. We’ve put out effort understanding how they’re feeling, we’ve explored what’s worked in the past and what hasn’t, we’ve given them our ideas (if they’re open to it), and now it’s up to them, as a powerful person, to choose what they are going to do about their problem.

We can be part of the solution. We can ask, “Do you want me to help you by giving you a ride to the garage?” They take us up on it or not. Being powerful doesn’t mean they have to solve the problem all by themselves. But they need to drive the solution and own responsibility for the outcome, not blame somebody or something else.

Jesus So Did This.

This method really helped me understand why Jesus asked such seemingly stupid questions. I mean, for the Lord of all the Universe, there are times when he just seemed really dense.

Like when Jesus walks up to a blind guy and asks, “What do you want me to do for you?” (Mark 10:46-52) Really Jesus? The guy’s blind, you have to ask?!? What did Jesus expect him to say? “Yeah, I’m blind and all, but really Jesus I was hoping you’d help me change the oil in my camel.”

Or how about when Jesus walks up to an invalid of 38 years at the pool of Bethesda, where all the sick people go to get well, and asks him, “Do you want to get well?” (John 5:1-15). “No, Jesus, I’m just laying here by the pool working on my suntan. Can you flip me over? It’s time to do my back.”

The truth is, of course Jesus knew what these people needed. But he valued them as powerful people by letting them choose it. He didn’t try to control them and force them to accept what they needed. We need to do the same.

This sounds like tremendous fun to me. I love helping people. How about you? Are you game? Has someone done this for you? How have people either empowered you or controlled you into powerlessness? How did that make you feel? Tell us your story in the comments. And please share if this post would bless someone else.

2 Practical Ways to Put God on the Throne of Your Life

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A while back I had a good Christian friend named Nate who had a small boat we’d take out on the Rappahannock River here in Virginia. We had some great conversations out there on the water. After one of these outings, when we got back to his house, somehow we got onto a subject we disagreed on.

Nate was a pot smoker, and I was not. After we argued ‘round the barn a couple times, I realized this wasn’t going anywhere. He had all his reasons why it’s ok, and I had all my reasons why it’s not. We were at an impasse. How was I going to make progress in my friend’s life? The Holy Spirit gently but with certainty reminded me that progress in Nate’s life wasn’t mine to make. Then he gave me a download for how to wrap up the conversation.

I said to Nate, “Look, some things we’re just going to have to agree to disagree on. But there are two things we both know are true. One, you smoke pot because you want to.” He started to look defensive, so I quickly added, “Not a condemnation, just a fact. True? We wouldn’t be having this conversation otherwise.”

Nate relaxed, nodded and said, “Yeah, that’s true. I do want to. I enjoy it.”

“Ok. The second thing we both know is true is,” I continued, “God doesn’t want you to.”

Nate sighed and said, “Yeah, I know that’s true.”

“Then the question I’m going to leave you with is, Who’s going to sit on the throne of your life?”

That’s the question God has for all of us. As more and more formerly illegal behaviors become legal, who’s going to sit on the throne of our lives?

Righteous laws can make a people look more righteous than they really are. Do we do the right thing because it’s the right thing, or because the wrong thing’s against the law? Are our hearts really right before God, or do we just fear punishment? Do we as a people really love and honor God, or are we just smart enough to avoid legal consequences?

When righteous laws are removed, the true heart of the people is revealed. God wants a people who do the right thing, not because they legally have to, but because they truly want to. Because they love him. They die to their own desires, and instead choose God’s way because they are so enraptured by his love.

Wasn’t this the choice in the Garden of Eden? God’s life or the experience of good and evil? (“Knowledge” in the Bible always means “experience.”) Adam and Eve chose to experience good and evil and broke God’s heart.

We’ve all made choices that have broken God’s heart. We’ve all chosen ourselves and our desires at the expense of the people around us. But God, in his love for us that never gives up, made a way for us back to that original choice in the Garden. That’s what the cross was all about.

God never wanted to control us—that’s why Adam and Eve had a free choice and so do we. God wants to love us, and he longs for that love to be returned. He grieves over our self-destructive behavior that breaks relationship with him.

But with sex outside of marriage as the norm, abortion legal, sodomy legal, same-sex marriage legal (with child molestation to follow), pot becoming legal in more and more places (with harder drugs to follow), it’s easy to ask, “Where’s God in all this? What’s going on?”

God’s sovereignty is not threatened by our sin. Here’s what I believe God is doing in all this. God’s known our heart as a people all along. But by allowing us to remove righteous laws, he’s allowing us to see our own heart. God is revealing our heart to us, longing for us to cry out to him for his heart.

God wants a people who will not break his heart. He wants a people who will die to their own desires because they are so enraptured by his love. He wants a people who choose the right thing because they love him and it’s the right thing, not because they have to. But to get that, he has to allow an atmosphere where we don’t have to do the right thing. Hence, in his sovereignty, he’s allowing us to remove righteous laws, and the subsequent increase in wickedness is on us.

We teach and exalt relativistic morals in our public primary schools, and our universities are institutionalizing immorality. We’re calling good evil and evil good. Then we’re shocked when the logical consequences of our choices play out and active shooters don’t know right from wrong.

But the good news is God’s love is more relentless than our sin. He’s not interested in controlling us. He’s interested in loving us, and seeing that love returned through the lives we live for him, dying to ourselves.

Who’s going to sit on the throne of our lives? Here’s 2 practical ways to put God there, if you choose to.

1) Frequent and Regular Time Spent with God

It all begins spending alone-time with God, just the two of you. A marriage where husband and wife don’t spend regular alone-time isn’t going to last long.

But it can’t be forced. It can’t be out of religious obligation. It can’t be checking a box. How would you feel if you spouse (or your BFF if you’re not married) came and, with a heavy sigh while checking their watch said, “Ok, I’m obligated to spend the next hour with you. I’ve set an alarm on my phone so we don’t go over, and I can get back to living my life that doesn’t have anything to do with you. What do you want to do for the next hour?”

Any takers to sign up for that relationship? Don’t we want the other person to actually look forward to spending time with us, like we do with them? That’s how God feels.

2) Have lots of sex with your (opposite sex) spouse. Only.

This is crazy, and I don’t really know why, but a sure sign of closeness to God is sexual purity. There are perversions on the other extreme in other parts of the world, but in the West, almost always false teaching winks at sexual immorality.

If you’re not married, regardless of your past, from this day forward, wait until after you’re married. God will totally bless that.

Marriage is an everyday model of our relationship with God. The idea behind marriage is one spouse, for life. And we share a level of intimacy with that person that is never, in our lifetime, shared with anyone else.

That’s a picture of how it’s supposed to be with us and God! One God for us, for life. We don’t flit back and forth between different idols. We live for our one God only, and we share a level of intimacy with him we don’t give to anything or anyone else.

But in our society, we totally flit around between different idols. In our teen years we live for sex, as young adults we live for entertainment, in our working years we live for money and security, and in retirement we live to play with our toys. None of these things are bad in and of themselves. But we pursue them outside of God’s boundaries because we care more about our own pleasure then we do about relationship with him. Because we still sit on the throne of our own lives.

Put aside all the arguments and emotions for a minute. There are two things we all can agree are true. One, we have sex outside of marriage because we want to. Not a condemnation, just a fact. And the second thing we both know is true is God doesn’t want us to. So who’s going to sit on the throne of your life?

(If you want to know why sexual integrity is such a big deal to God, and *why* God’s boundaries are what they are, I’ve written a small $5 book answering that question. But I’ll send it to you for free if you email me your address at dave@IdentityInWholeness.com and ask for it.)

So back to the question. Who sits on the throne of your life? If God sits there, what has giving him that place cost you? Was it worth it? If there’s an area of your life where God doesn’t yet sit there, can we help you come to that place of surrender? Tell us your story in the comments and please share on social media if you think this would bless someone else.

How to Control Your Emotions

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It was every pastor’s nightmare. Pastor Jay was watching a marriage disintegrate before his very eyes in his office, like a slow-motion train wreck. He just stared at this couple he’d known for years and couldn’t believe his ears. Bob and Joan were both saying the same thing, “I just don’t love him/her anymore, Pastor. I can’t help how I feel. I’m just being honest.”

And there is it. One of the biggest lies in our culture. Did you catch it? “I can’t help how I feel.” That is a lie from the pit! The truth is, yes, we totally can change how we feel. We totally have control over our emotions. The sticky wicket is, we can’t control our emotions by trying to control our emotions. Dude, start making sense!

Ok, here’s the deal. If we try to control our emotions by willing them, that won’t work. We can’t force ourselves to feel or not feel something. At best, all we can do is deny and suppress them, but then we’re only fooling ourselves. At the end of the day, there’s no such thing as an unexpressed emotion. It may come out 20 years later, and it may come out sideways, but it’s coming out.

Yet we can totally control what we feel. But before we talk about how, we need to understand some key concepts about emotions.

Acknowledge the Negative Emotion

Emotions are the idiot lights on the dashboard of our lives. They tell us when something’s wrong, and we’d do well to pay attention to them.

Say the oil light comes on in your car. You have a choice. You can deal with the cause, or you can deal with the light. “Hey, I fixed it! I put a piece of electrical tape over that nasty little light. Now the dashboard looks all black. Problem solved!”

Um, really? How’s that going to work out for this person? I have a nagging feeling they’re going to find out the hard way their problem’s not solved. I just hope it’s not in the pouring rain, in the middle of the freeway, in rush hour! That’s a bad place to find out you’ve turned your engine into a boulder. That’s a bad place to find out saving that $30 on an oil change just cost you thousands of dollars in engine repair. And then we blame the car. Doh!

That’s what happens when we don’t pay attention to what we’re feeling. Except instead of days or weeks later like the oil light on a car, we often don’t find out we’ve turned our life into a boulder (or our marriage, or whatever other relationships) until years, if not decades, later. And then we blame the relationship. Doh!

We need to acknowledge the negative emotion we’re feeling, preferably (1) between us and God, and (2) with a trusted friend.

Don’t Serve the Emotion

The idiot lights on your dashboard, although very important, are not the steering wheel. Imagine if you only turned left when the oil light went on, and only turned right when the check engine light came on. Crash! Although the idiot lights shouldn’t be ignored, they can’t drive the car.

If you let your emotions drive the car of your life, you’ll crash, usually rather spectacularly. We all know people who live with no thought for future consequences, driven into doing whatever self-destructive behavior will mask the pain for just one more precious moment. It’s God’s grace in their lives when such a lifestyle can’t be sustained for long.

You can’t change a negative emotion by focusing on it. We become what we behold, so all that’ll do is make the negative emotion stronger. So although we need to acknowledge it and admit it, we don’t want to dwell on it. We need to change it.

“I know, I know! That’s why I’m reading your post! How do I change my negative emotions?”

I’m glad you asked.

How to Change the Emotion –This Is the Key

Pastor Jay had a revelation for Bob and Joan. He said, “You know, when you called me about needing to meet, I’d had a really tough morning. My computer crashed, losing all my sermon notes for Sunday. My secretary’s out sick, the oil light’s on in my wife’s car, and I’ve got a really full schedule this week. I did not want to meet with you guys today. I felt no compassion for either of you. Just saying. I can’t help how I feel. I’m just being honest.”

Bob and Joan just stared at each other. They couldn’t believe their ears. After all, as their pastor, they paid him to be at their beck and call, didn’t they? They each threw $20 in the plate every Sunday, so they knew he had money. “A pastor isn’t supposed to say things like that!” they finally both yelled at him in unison.

“Neither is a husband. Neither is a wife,” Pastor Jay quietly answered them back. “Hmm. Didn’t my honesty comfort you?” he asked them in mock surprise. “Weren’t you impressed by my ‘integrity’,” he made figure quotes, “by being so honest?”

“No,” they both said. “It really hurts that you would say something like that!”

“That’s the hurt your ‘honestly’,” more figure quotes, “just caused each other.” And for the first time, Bob and Joan began to think about how the other person was feeling.

Then Pastor Jay began to unwrap the onion and teach them how to feel the love again. They had a lot of problems in their relationship, mostly stemming from their own unaddressed personal wounding, and Pastor Jay helped them unpack all of that over the coming year. But today, he gave them a good start. He taught them how to control and change, not suppress nor serve, their emotions.

“Had I not told you, would you have known I’d felt negative about you earlier?” Pastor Jay asked.

“No, we felt the warmth of your compassion for us as soon as we walked in the room!” they both answered, still shell-socked by his admission.

“I started getting God’s heart for you both after I agreed to meet with you,” Pastor Jay explained. “I realized this was serious, and I felt the Holy Spirit prompting me to clear my schedule and make room for this meeting. I spent some serious time praying and interceding for you. As I did those things, I started to feel compassion for you. I started to get God’s heart for you. I changed my negative emotions toward you into positive ones by serving you.”

When you serve another person, the byproduct for you is good emotions toward that person.

“But they’ll take advantage of me!” they both objected simultaneously.

Pastor Jay knew neither of these two were narcissists. (When dealing with narcissists, Pastor Jay taught the other spouse how to set and keep healthy boundaries. He had to work with the other spouse because the narcissist usually stormed out of his office never to return when they realized he wanted to deal with their behavior instead of “fixing” their spouse.) But Pastor Jay correctly discerned that these two were each good-willed people, who each were still willing to change, if they believed it would matter.

So Pastor Jay just put it out there and asked them straight, “Do you want this marriage to work? Are you still in? Yes or no.”

Bob and Joan, one after the other, with tears in their eyes, said yes.

“Ok then,” Pastor Jay said. “Die to yourself and ask the Holy Spirit how to serve the other person. For this week, the other person gets a bye on their behavior. You just serve them. We’ll meet this time next week and you tell me how it’s going.”

This was not some quippy, magic-formula-fix for their marriage; that took a lot of hard work on both sides to bring healing to areas of personal wounding that had been festering a long time. But this was a good start. It at least took the gasoline away from the fire.

Bob and Joan began to have good feelings for each other again. Not because they were being served, but because they were serving the other person. It gave them a little more patience and grace for the other person, instead of just reacting. The Holy Spirit used their selfless service to convict the other person’s heart, much more effectively than any nagging, arguing, or “being right” could have done. And that made it easier for the other person to serve them, which made it easier to serve the other person. And around it went, the cycle spinning in their favor for a change.

This post isn’t about marriage. Kingdom of God principles work in all relationships—marriage, work, school, family, and friends, and even in church relationships. Imagine that! J

While we cannot directly control our emotions by willing them, we can totally control them, indirectly, by serving the other person. The byproduct is good emotions toward them for us. This is a Kingdom of God principle that God wove into the fabric of the universe.

Love is Not an Emotion

Love is a choice. When we choose to serve, we choose to love. And we are setting ourselves up to be great in the Kingdom of God. That why Jesus said,

The greatest among you will be your servant. (Matthew 23:11)

Again:

Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. (Luke 6:38)

And again:

For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many. (Mark 10:45)

When we die to ourselves and serve, we partner with Jesus. So will you ask the Holy Spirit how you can serve that person who’s bugging the tar out of you today? In a way that’s meaningful to them? Ask the Holy Spirit. That’s a prayer he’ll answer quickly.

Does this resonate? Tell us how serving others has changed your world. And please share if this would bless others.

5 Ways to Birth Life in Everything We Say

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It’s been several years since my own mom passed into Jesus’ physical presence in glory. Shortly afterward, my brother had a dream where the Lord told him, “She likes the accommodations up here.” Yep. That’s totally something my mom would say.

Mothers have a special place in the heart of God. Mothers actually partner with God in bringing forth life. It’s amazing, and as I guy, I totally can’t understand it, and I don’t pretend to. But I am in awe of it.

It is God’s heart to bring life. Jesus said, “I have come that they might have life, and have it to the full.” (John 10:10b) Bringing life was Jesus’ mission.

Although only women can actually birth another physical life out of their own bodies, we can all birth life. We have the opportunity every day, in every situation. We birth life with our words. Or not.

Proverbs 18:21a says, “The tongue has the power of life and death,” and we choose between the two with every word we speak. We have the power, and as Christians the authority, to speak life or death into every situation we face, every minute of every day.

We partner with God when we choose to speak life; we partner with other spiritual forces when we choose to speak death.

So let’s put some skin out it. How do we speak life? Here are 5 practical ways to speak life into our everyday situations.

1) Remember a Kingdom perspective. If we love Jesus, then it’s always about what he’s doing in the situation and not our agenda. It’s good to win the argument, and it’s better to actually be right, but it’s best to accomplish God’s purpose in the situation. That often means laying down our right to win the argument.

Counter-intuitive to most Americans, the Kingdom of God is not about claiming our just rights, it’s about sacrificing them and laying them down. It’s about letting go of our right to be right. And in giving up our rights and instead focusing on what God’s doing, we often win something much more valuable than the argument. We win the other person’s heart.

Can we serve a person who’s wrong today? Can we ask God how we can honor the person we like the least today?

2) Focus on healing not punishment. A good friend recently posted on FaceBook, “To rescue people from the natural consequences of their behavior is to render them powerless.” While this is probably true, I commented that, “To rescue and to bring healing are two different things.”

It seems to me liberals are always wanting to ride in on the white horse and rescue everybody. Their mantra seems to be, “The Government as Salvation.” Conservatives, on the other hand, want people to fry for their actions, emphasizing “personal responsibility.” As Christians, though, IMHO, we shouldn’t target either rescue or justice. We should target healing. We should be bringing life.

Liberals address people’s situation, while conservatives address their behavior. As Christian’s we should be addressing their heart. We should be bringing life to their wounded places.

So in a godly confrontation, the right question is not, “How can I help them?” nor “How can I avoid further conflict?” nor “What do they deserve?” nor “What threat of punishment will be scary enough to control their behavior?” The right question is, “What is the real problem here? What is the wound?”

3) Ask for God’s help. This seems like a no-brainer, but how many of us, every day before exiting our car and going into work, actually ask for God’s help us bring life to our co-workers today with our words?

Honestly, this is one of the most practical things we can do. It starts our day focusing on God’s perspective, on what he wants to do. And in that frame of mind, we just might interpret (and hence respond to) the events of the day differently.

4) Sometimes the right word is hard. Life-giving words can be unwelcome to people stuck in destructive behaviors and lifestyles. For example, homosexuals, transsexuals, and heterosexuals sleeping together outside of marriage typically aren’t in a rush to hear the life-giving message of sexual integrity. But often a lack of sexual integrity’s not the issue, it’s just the bad fruit. The real root of the matter is wounding down there somewhere deeper. And that’s what life-giving words from God go after.

So often in the church, we go for the low-hanging fruit. We’ve been taught to address the bad fruit in people’s lives. People’s bad behavior is an easy target. If we can get them to clean up their act, their bad behavior no longer makes us uncomfortable, and we feel good about ourselves. But they’re still hurting inside, and that unaddressed bad root will just pop up somewhere else.

5) Intercession brings strategy. We’re all busy, but when we set aside time to pray, really pray for specific people, when we sacrifice our schedule for God’s heart, he gives it. When we have God’s heart for the situation, and more importantly for the person, we have life-giving words to bring. We have words that pierce hearts, jump over defenses, and bring godly sorrow unto repentance.

We all have a choice, with every word we speak. Will it bring life, or will it bring death? I pray this post has brought life.

A mother partners with God and births new life from her own body. Can we all partner with God and birth life with our words?

Does this resonate? How have your words (or others) brought life to a situation where it seemed impossible? Tell us your story in the comments. And please share on social media if this post would bless someone else.

The 3 Sides of Agreement and the One Thing that Prevents It

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Agreement is powerful. We all know that. Jesus himself said, “Truly I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven.” (Matthew 18:19) But what we may not know is there are 3 different sides of agreement. Like a 3-legged stool, we’re not in agreement unless we’re in agreement on all of these sides.

Intellectual Agreement. This is what we usually mean by “agreement.” We agree on the reasons. We see the logic in it. It “makes sense.” But if this is all the agreement we have, we’re not in agreement yet.

Emotional Agreement. Emotional agreement is just as important as intellectual agreement. We’re in emotional agreement if it’s something we both want to do. It just “feels right.”

Spiritual Agreement. We’re in spiritual agreement if we both have a peace about it and believe it’s God’s will. We see God’s hand in it. We agree it’s what God’s doing.

We’re in agreement with our spouse, church members, co-workers, employees, employer, friends, etc, if:

  • We all intellectually agree it’s a good idea. We agree on the logic.
  • We all want to do it. We agree it feels right.
  • We all have a peace about it, believing, yes, God is in this. We agree we can see his fingerprints.

So often we charge ahead once everyone agrees on the logic, thinking we’re in agreement. But if we’re not also in emotional and spiritual agreement, then it’s a false unity.

For example, we can steamroll over our spouses with logic. Maybe they agree whatever it is makes sense, but something just doesn’t feel right. The truth is, we can spin logic any way we want, and, unfortunately, we often do. But maybe they’re picking up on something they can’t articulate (yet). That should be a clue: There’s some piece of logic we missed. We’d do well to pay attention to our spouse. Because they aren’t in emotional agreement yet, we need to wait and keep seeking the Lord.

God loves partnership. He loves partnering with us, and he loves it when we partner with each other. He loves it when his children play nice. No wonder Jesus said, “… if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them …” Agreement is one of the most powerful tools we have on this earth to move the Kingdom of God forward, or in general, just get stuff done.

The Enemy’s Strategy against Agreement. No wonder our enemy tries everything he can think of to keep us from agreement. And he’s come up with an extremely effective strategy against it. If he can get this one thing, he can block agreement for decades, even generations.

The enemy’s most powerful weapon against agreement and unity is Offense. If he can get us offended, we can rationalize just about any kind of bad behavior. Think about it. You can’t be in agreement with someone you’re offended at. The enemy uses this tactic everywhere.

  • It works against marriages.
  • It works against families.
  • It works against friendships.
  • It works in the workplace.
  • It even works on a global scale against countries.

ACTION STEP: The next time I’m offended at someone, I’ll ask the Holy Spirit if there’s something I should be working toward agreement with them about, that the enemy is trying to block.

An Important Caveat. Agreement is not the “be all end all” of spirituality. It is not an end in itself. There are things we shouldn’t agree to, and we should not allow ourselves to be pressured or bullied into a false agreement. Here’s a free tip: If you’re not respected when you disagree, not given the common courtesy every human being deserves, if you’re being punished (e.g., the silent treatment, screaming and yelling, avoidance) simply because you disagree with something, you’re being bullied. And we have no right to bully someone else.

Look at the Tower of Babel in Genesis 11. They were in total agreement over the wrong thing. God had given humanity the mandate, “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it,” specifically in Genesis 1:28 (and similarly in Genesis 9:7 after the flood).

But we had other ideas—the exact opposite of God’s mandate, as usual. Instead of filling the earth, we had this plan, specifically so we wouldn’t fill the earth: “Come, let us build ourselves a city, with a tower that reaches to the heavens, so that we may make a name for ourselves; otherwise we will be scattered over the face of the whole earth.” (Genesis 11:4)

Look at what God says, especially about the power of their agreement: “If as one people speaking the same language they have begun to do this, then nothing they plan to do will be impossible for them. Come, let us go down and confuse their language so they will not understand each other.” (Genesis 11:6-7)

God had to come down and confuse the languages to break their agreement. Course correction for humanity. Agreement is that powerful, and there are some things we shouldn’t agree on. Or to say it another way, there are some things we should agree against. (Certainly anything that dehumanizes people like slavery, human trafficking, or calling human beings a “product of conception” or “blob of tissue.” But I digress.)

So what do you do if you disagree? How do we seek agreement? Keep seeking God. Pray separately and pray together. Keep seeking God until agreement comes and don’t rush it. But this is a perishable opportunity! We might miss the deadline! Then miss it. If you’re not in agreement by the whatever deadline the opportunity has, then it’s a no-go. And that’s ok. The lack of agreement probably just saved you from a big mistake.

But isn’t the husband the head of the home? Shouldn’t he decide and break the tie? Yes, the husband is the head of the home, but not the way the world means it. He has the mandate from God to be a servant-leader, and pursue agreement—intellectual, emotional, and spiritual. He should lead, not pressure or bully, his wife in seeking the Lord. When she says to him, “Look we’ve been at this for days/weeks/months, just make a decision,” then he can break the tie. But it’s not, “Ok then, we do it my way.” It’s like this: “Let’s agree to try this. We can course correct if it doesn’t work. Not because this is my personal preference, but because I honestly believe this decision is in the best interest of the whole family.”

A marriage where the spouses really agree in truth (not where one is being bullied) is unstoppable. Agreement is a powerful thing. Even secular (healthy) companies pursue buy-in on the corporate vision from their employees because they’ve figured this out.

Let’s end by repeating what Jesus says about agreement. Really think about this today.

“Truly I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven.” –Jesus (Matthew 18:19)

What do you think? Does this ring true to you? How have you worked out agreement in your relationships? How has it been powerful? How has the lack of agreement cost you? Has not moving forward due to lack of agreement saved you from mistakes? Tell us your story in the comments, and please share if this would bless someone else.

The Key to Getting Free

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The concepts in this post come from an amazing book I read recently, Killing Kryptonite: Destroy What Steals Your Strength by John Bevere. This is an insanely practical book that will plus-up your relationship with Jesus to the next level. You can get your copy here. This is not an affiliate link. I get no commission if you click the link or buy the book. But you’ll get a huge benefit from reading it, I promise.

John Bevere gives a gentle but Biblically accurate message the church desperately needs to hear. He talks about, at a practical level, our relationship as Christians with sin, and how it steals who God created us to be. There’s not an ounce of condemnation in this book, just the loving truth God’s called John to bring us. The quotes in the rest of this post are from the book.

Three scenarios plague Christians when it comes to sin.

  1. The Complacent. Many Christians “choose to overlook sin because of their hardened hearts. They are immune to the reality of breaking God’s heart.” Unfortunately, whole denominations today don’t acknowledge sinful lifestyles as the destructive thing they are, and by doing so withhold the healing God wants to bring. After all, you don’t need healing if nothing’s wrong.
  2. The Defeated. Some Christians believe “the blood of Jesus is powerful enough to free us from the penalty, but not the bondage of sin.” They believe that in Christ we are spiritually made holy, whatever that means, but at a practical level it’s not necessary to live a sanctified lifestyle. It’s a convenient way to pretend to be a Christian so I feel good about myself, but still live however I want to.
  3. The Trapped. These Christians “struggle to break free from sin. They want out, but it has a tight grip on them… The shame of their sin holds them down.” John brings a powerful message to this group. You can get free and John shows you how by an example: his own.

John Bevere takes a brave risk in the book, sharing his own personal struggle with pornography, one of the most powerful and mentally addicting traps in our world today. Kudos to him for his radical vulnerability. I have no doubt it will facilitate a lot of Christians finally getting free.

So often we get in this cycle where we fall into the same old familiar sin, go through genuine heartfelt repentance, think we’re free, only to fall prey again to the same sin. Sometimes Christians give up. “Oh well, that’s just the way I am.” As if their sin is stronger than the blood of Jesus. It’s not. The problem’s not the strength of the sin, the problem’s the type of sorrow we have over it.

There’s two different types of sorrow, a worldly sorrow and a godly sorrow. John Bevere illustrates this so beautifully. In his struggle to get free from porn, he asked a world-renowned evangelist his church was hosting to pray for him. The man prayed with authority and power, but months later John was not free. About nine months afterward, John was crying out to the Lord to know him more intimately, and he was broken because his sin was interfering with his relationship with Jesus. Then he got free.

He didn’t understand and was asking the Lord about it. The Lord explained it to John like this: “When you opened up to the evangelist, you were afraid the sin of lust would keep you from the ministry you knew I’d called you to. You were fearful it would disqualify you. The focus of your sorrow was on you; it was a worldly sorrow.

“Nine months later, because you had been crying out to know me intimately, your heart was breaking because you were hurting My heart by your sin. You knew I had died to free you from this sin, and you hated participating in anything that was along the lines of what sent Me to the cross. The focus of your sorrow was on Me; it was a godly sorrow.”

John explains it further: “Sorrow of the world focuses on us—What are the consequences? Will I be judged? Will I be disqualified? Will I suffer from my sin? What will people think of me?—and so forth. Godly sorrow focuses on Jesus; I’ve hurt the heart of the One I love…”

Isn’t that good? “I’ve hurt the heart of the one I love.” I love that. That’s true repentance right there.

But why does it even matter? Who cares how you live? Will you Christians just get over yourselves and all your dumb rules anyway?

It’s not about rules for rules sake, or feeling good or self-righteous about ourselves. When we’re in love with Jesus, when we’ve done this heart exchange where he has my heart and I have his, then I can’t live in a way that breaks my lover’s heart. I just can’t do it. (Please forgive the shameless plug, but this is the subject of my own book, True Self: Sexual Integrity out of Intimacy with Jesus.)

John puts it really well, “Holiness therefore is not an end in itself, as legalists portray it. It’s the entranceway to true intimacy with Jesus.”

Once you’ve had an intimate experience with Jesus, up close and personal, you won’t trade it for anything. Jesus is the most beautiful, compassionate, gracious, funny, holy, lovely being in the whole universe. All you want to do is be closer to him. I’m addicted. I love his presence, and I get heart-broken over anything that interferes with our relationship.

Is that you? How close are you to Jesus? How intimate? It’s not a contest or a challenge. It’s real life. There is nothing more real in this world than Jesus. And where there is sin, it’s because we don’t understand how beautiful he is and how much our destructive behavior is keeping us from his presence. Tell us your story in the comments and please share if you think this would help someone else.

Photo by Kari Shea on Unsplash

Give Yourself the Gift of Not about You

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The Christmas rush. Do I have all the presents? All the food? Are all the decorations done? I hate the crowds, the lines, the traffic, because when I’m scampering to get my last-minute presents, they’re in the way of accomplishing my goal. I do commando shopping: get in, get the target, get out. My focus is on my objective. And that’s my problem. It’s all about me.

My best shopping trips are when I go into the store intentionally focused on making someone else’s day better. Determined to be Jesus to someone, I look for that grumpy face that’s forgotten it needs to smile. I have to be uber-intentional about it or it won’t happen. As an introvert, I can easily and happily slip in and slip out without talking to anyone and be quite happy about it. But I sense the Holy Spirit has a different agenda.

I’ve seen grumpy store clerks completely change their demeanor when I just said something nice to them that built them up, instead of tearing them down (2 Corinthians 10:8). I try to say something both empathic and complimentary. Like how hard it must be to be nice to inconsiderate shoppers all day, and what a good job they do at it. Like how they’re the unsung heroes of Christmas, and we really do appreciate them. Sometimes I apologize for taking them for granted.

It always gets me a smile. That’s become my new objective – to get a smile out of someone who looks stressed, to make someone else’s day. And that’s the best gift I buy for myself at the store – the gift of making it not about me. Best of all, it doesn’t cost me anything but a little intentionality.

I don’t think Jesus is frustrated by the crowds, the lines, or the traffic. But I don’t think about what Jesus thinks about often enough. I look at the crowds and see obstacles. He sees opportunities. He yearns to be with them, while I just want to avoid them. He has compassion on them because they are harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd (Matthew 9:36).

Yes, Christmas is about the Father giving us his son. Jesus came to give us his life for our salvation, so we could have abundant life (John 10:10). But that’s only the beginning. He also came to give us his heart so that life would be worth living, by serving others (that’s the “abundant” part).

So, when you run out in a panic to get that last-minute thing, celebrate Christmas’ abundance by going out of your way to make someone else’s day.

Does this resonate? Can you relate? Tell us your story in the comments. And please share on social media if you think this would make someone else’s day. Merry Christmas!

How to Be Hopeful without Being Impatient

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We all hate to wait. We live in a culture where we want the microwave to cook faster. And often we treat our relationships like that. Let’s just cut to the chase. But that’s not how relationships work. We can do grave damage trying to take short cuts in our impatience.

I’ve learned this the hard way. Sometimes other people just need to understand how right I am! And so I tell them, in love, of course. But it never goes well; I can’t imagine why. It’s almost like the Holy Spirit doesn’t care about getting to the right answer as much as he cares about the process of getting there.

And you know what frustrates me the most, the very most frustrating thing about the Holy Spirit? He’s not in a hurry. Doesn’t he realize my relationships are on a tight schedule, here? After all, I have in my planner that this relationship was supposed to be fixed by November.

The problem is, God is on his own schedule, and he doesn’t ask for my input. Of all the nerve! He acts like he’s God or something.

It’s kind of like Gandalf tongue-in-cheek rebuking Frodo at the beginning of the first Lord of the Rings movie (The Fellowship of the Ring).

“A wizard is never late, Frodo Baggins. Neither is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.”

God’s like that. Never late. Thank goodness. Always on-time. I can live with that. Never early. Now that’s just downright annoying!

Sometimes people have to figure things out for themselves by experience. This can be very frustrating, for example, for parents. We have all this truly great advice that can save our children a world of heartache, hurt, and bruising if they’d only listen. But I had a very wise woman tell me, “We have to let our kids live their own adventure.”

The fact is, my getting antsy and impatient is not going to speed God up. Truth be told, if anything, it might actually slow him down, because now he’s wanting to do something in me, to replace my impatience with faith. And so in his great mercy, he’s going to give me ample opportunities to practice faith over impatience, much to my consternation, and finally, if he gets his way, much to my surrender.

I’m not saying we sit back and be lazy and just wait for God to drop stuff in our lap. That’s obviously not how it works either. Clarity so often comes with action. We often have to do something, try and fail, and then try and fail again, to discover the destiny God has for us.

But I am saying this. We can take action and do stuff, but we don’t need to bring along the stress and pressure of our impatience. My stress and impatience comes when I take up responsibility for the outcome, instead of leaving it in God’s hands where it belongs. Taking responsibility for something that, deep down, we fundamentally know is out of our control is really stressful.

When we finally truly trust God for the outcome of the actions we’re taking, we can be hopeful without being impatient.

How about you? Are you more often impatient or hopeful? Tell us in the comments. And please share on social media if you think this post would be helpful to someone else.