Why Good Friends Don’t Accept You Just the Way You Are

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What do you want in your friends? What makes a good friend? Many people would answer, “A good friend accepts you just the way you are.”

I beg to differ. That’s not a friend.

Both your local waiter and the cashier at your gas station accept you just the way you are. Because they don’t care about you. As long as you leave a good tip or pay for your gas with a good attitude, they’re fine with you. They really don’t care if you’re hurting yourself. A good friend does.

A good friend receives you just the way you are, not accepts you just the way you are.

A good friend receives you just the way you are. But they won’t accept your self-destructive behaviors, and they don’t want you to accept theirs.

We Don’t Accept Self-Destructive Behavior in People We Love

The world has this very confused. The world says, “love is love,” meaning any sexual relationship is acceptable if the people involved love each other. But that’s simply not true. Far too many churches, some whole denominations, have compromised on this point to gain the favor and acceptance of the world.

The world’s definition of “love” is not saying boo to anybody about what they do or how they live. But that’s not love. That’s indifference. Indifference (not hatred) is the opposite of love.

There are forces in the culture trying to bully us into accepting sexually immoral lifestyles as normal in the name of love. They do so, not because they love the people involved, but so that they get votes and cling to power. Once firmly entrenched in power, they will enslave the very people who voted for them.

Faithful are the wounds of a friend; but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful. (Proverbs 27:6)

Love is shouting, “Stop! You’re hurting yourself! Don’t do that!” Not out of legalism or religion, but out of an identification with the deep harm and pain the person is causing themselves.

The world hates Christians for this. Christians should be passionate for sexual integrity and purity – sex reserved for one man and one woman inside a marriage relationship.

Think about it – most of the lawlessness we see in our society today comes from fatherlessness, which is a direct result of sexual immorality.

To truly love people the way Jesus did, we need to be willing to tell them their lifestyle is self-destructive. Now please hear me. I’m not saying beat anybody over the head with your 97-pound Scofield Reference Bible. We need to be wise, which usually means being gentle, but sometimes not. But being wise always means being led by the Holy Spirit, communicating in a way the other person can understand. Whether they receive it or not is on them.

Good Wisdom from a Lousy Movie

Remember the movie Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull with Harrison Ford, Karen Allen, and Shia LeBeouf? Indiana Jones (played by Harrison Ford, of course) runs into his ex from Raiders of the Lost Ark, Marion Ravenwood (played by Karen Allen). She’s remarried and has a son (played by Shia LeBeouf).

Indiana talks to the boy who’s complaining about the rigorous education his mother tried to force on him, and how his dropping out of school has strained their relationship. Indiana Jones assures the boy school’s really no big deal. When Indiana sees Marion, he tells her to lighten up on the boy. After all, school’s not for everyone.

Marion tells Indiana the boy is actually his son. After he picks his jaw up off the floor, the first thing out of Indiana’s mouth is, “Why didn’t you make him stay in school?!?”

While a humorous scene in a silly movie, it illustrates a deeper point. When the boy was somebody else’s kid, Indiana Jones couldn’t care less about him, and just wanted him to be comfortable and happy. Primarily because that made life easier for Indiana Jones. Who wants to deal with somebody else’s problems?

But as soon as the young man was his son, well, suddenly, that’s different. Now he cares about what’s ultimately best for the boy, not just what brings happiness at this moment.

Good Parents Don’t Accept Just Anything

I have heard so many of my fellow parents say, “I just want my daughter (or son) to be happy).” I’m not a violent man, but when people say that, I just want to smack them.

“Don’t you love your child?” I want to scream at them. “Why on earth would you just want your child to be happy?”

There are so many more important things for your child to be than happy. What about maturity? What about loving God? What about self-sufficient? What about giving? What about being a person of character? None of those things are built into a person’s life by happiness, but by hard work, sacrifice, and choosing delayed gratification.

Honestly, if you just want your child to be happy, let him live with you in your basement playing video games until you die. We all know those people, and we pity them. Their parents have crippled their children for life.

Not Accepting and Controlling Are 2 Different Things

Not accepting self-destructive behavior doesn’t mean trying to control or manipulate the person into making good choices. It is their life and they have to live it and be responsible for it. Not accepting self-destructive behavior does not mean that we don’t honor their right to choose.

We need to let our children live their own adventure.

Not accepting self-destructive behavior means we speak up. For God’s sake, speak up! From a place of relationship, not legalism, we speak up. Put as many disclaimers on it as you want to soften the blow, but speak up. Tell your friend, or your family member if you have the relationship to do so, that they are harming themselves, or about to.

That’s your responsibility as a good friend, or a parent, or family. What they do with it is up to them. So we speak up, but we still honor their right to choose.

It’s Not about the Behavior. It’s about the Wounding.

Remember also that the real issue with self-destructive behavior, whether it’s addictions or sexual immorality, isn’t the behavior itself. It’s the hidden wounding causing the behavior. That’s what we need to get to. Get the person’s wounding healed, and the behavior will take care of itself.

That’s why so many people who quit smoking gain weight. The addiction just pops up somewhere else because the underlying wound was never dealt with.

That’s why legalizing same-sex marriage and normalizing transgender is so destructive in our society. These people are deeply wounded, to the extent that even their sexual attraction and gender identity are confused.

But our society puts a band-aid on their bleeding emotional artery and says, “No, you’re fine! No problem here.” And so we deny them the healing Jesus wants to give them. That is not love.

We need to love people enough to tell them the truth. In love, with all the disclaimers you want, but still the truth. With a spoonful of sugar maybe, but not watered down. Are you willing?

Your Turn

Has someone spoken into your life something that you initially resented, but later respected and appreciated them for? Or maybe you’ve taken the risk to share something the other person really needed to hear that you knew may not be well received? Tell us your story in the comments. And please share this post if it would bless others.

Performance Orientation

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I’ve lived my whole life, since I was a young boy, to hear Jesus say, on that Day, “Well done good and faithful servant.” (See Matthew 25:21 & 23.) Those six blessed words.

While I was reflecting on how much I want to hear him say that, I heard the Lord tell me, in the loving way he always does, “Dave, you’re not going to hear me say that on that Day.”

Shocked. I was totally shocked in my spirit. I’ve been longing for that my whole life. Dumbfounded, I could only ask, “Why not, Lord?”

His answer caught me off guard. “I’ve been saying it to you for over 50 years and you haven’t heard it. What makes you think you’ll hear me when I say it then?”

Wow. He continued. “Dave, I want you to hear me say it now. So that’s finally settled in your heart. I don’t want longing to hear that to be the focus of your life. I want loving me and living the life I have for you to be the focus of your life.”

God is so good. He doesn’t leave us where we are. He’s always drawing us closer to himself.

He didn’t want me to waste my energy trying desperately to hear something he’s already told me.

I had a Performance Orientation. God wanted to heal it in that season. I repented of it. It’s sin.

Performance Orientation is the belief (often held unconsciously) that we have to earn love, to earn the right to be loved. The implicit lie is that we’re not worth loving unless we earn it by doing something.

I honestly think the majority of us in the church have Performance Orientation to some degree. God wants to heal it. We can’t earn his love. Performance Orientation leaves us in the impossible situation of trying to earn by hard work what we already have by inheritance.

Performance Orientation is becoming the good __________ at the expense of ourselves, our true self. What fills in the blank for you? Christian? Leader? Wife? Husband? Student? Good person? Good boy? Good girl?

Fear is the fuel for Performance Orientation. “I won’t have enough if I don’t perform.”

On the other hand, the cure for Performance Orientation is Intimacy (= Into Me See), accepting love based on who we are, not what we’ve done. We fear intimacy because we’re afraid if someone’s close they’ll see it’s all a sham. They’ll see who we really are.

My heart was stuck trying to earn love. God wants me to have that settled, so he and I can move on, and do what hearts that are loved do. Soar! Do the impossible without paralyzing fear. I can’t take the risks of living fearlessly while I’m still afraid of not being loved. I can’t both live a life of faith and of fear of not being loved. Neither can you.

Your Turn

He’s calling me to live a life of faith. How about you? Do you struggle with this? Or have you already been set free from it? Either way, tell us in the comments. And please share on social media if this would help someone else.

4 Ways to Get the Healing We Need

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All of us have wounding. We live in a fallen world with a powerful spiritual enemy who wants to destroy us, or at least keep us from living the adventure God created us for. Our enemy does this by wounding us. The good news is, Jesus heals wounding.

But how? How do we go about getting our wounding healed? It doesn’t happen on its own. Here are 4 ways we can pursue our healing with both hands. Most of us need some unique combination of these. Everyone’s healing path is different; there is no universal formula or timetable. Ask the Holy Spirit what’s right for you.

1) Counseling

Professional counselors are brilliant at providing the tools for living we should’ve learned growing up but didn’t. Honestly, all of us can use a healthy dose of good counseling.

Don’t be afraid to try different counselors before you find the one that works for you. This process can take a year or two or more, but keep at it. The right counselor is out there. It could be a professional counselor, a pastor, or a life coach, or a combination thereof.

There’s wisdom in using more than one professional at the same time. Often, they deal with different areas. For example, professional counselors typically can deal with different things than pastors, and pastors will deal with things counselors often won’t touch.

For example, we’ve had people say they got more healing in a 10-week abortion healing Bible study then they got in 25 years of counseling. That doesn’t mean there was anything wrong with their counseling; it just means it wasn’t dealing with the critical issue.

BTW, if you have had sexual abuse, an abortion, or other types of trauma, you need healing from people who deal with that specific thing.

Pro Tip: If there’s anything in your life where you say, “I’ll talk about anything but this,” that’s probably the thing you need to get specific healing for. It could be your relationship with a parent, an abortion, sexual abuse, or another form of trauma. But if there’s pain you don’t want to go to, going to that pain is probably where your healing lies.

You can find wise and well-trained practitioners in our free 1-page resource list at the bottom of this post.

2) Deliverance

Deliverance is the process of removing demonic influences (or, in some cases, control) from your life. Now don’t flip out. This is not what you see in Hollywood or anything creepy or scary. For a Christian, this is just a spiritual reality.

While Christians cannot be overtly possessed, we can certainly be oppressed, and we often are. All of us need some degree of deliverance.

“You cannot counsel a demon. You have to drive that sucker out with power and authority.” –John Fichtner

Demons have power in our lives when we believe their lies. So even as Christians, we can give demons a foothold in our lives. If the foothold stays there long enough, it gets reinforced as a structure. If the structure stays there long enough, it gets built into a stronghold.

A stronghold has a strong hold on us, because it’s built on a foundation of lies we take for granted as truth.

Deliverance is the process of tearing down those lies, forgiving whoever tempted us to believe them (often by sin against us), repenting of believing them, and replacing them with God’s truth. Once the lie is repented of and no longer believed, the demons attached to it have no more legal right to be in your life and can be commanded out.

In the early days of the church learning about deliverance, there was a lot of rolling around on the floor, snotting and vomiting, shouting, and other crazy stuff. Demons love to make a show and embarrass the person. But it doesn’t have to be that way. Not at all.

Deliverance is one of those things where a little bit of knowledge can do a whole lot of damage. There are a lot of poor practitioners out there who really don’t know what they’re doing.

If you’ve had a negative experience with deliverance, don’t give up. A trained practitioner who knows what they’re doing won’t let the demons put on a show. In fact, they take authority right from the beginning to make a safe space to explore with you the truth God wants to bring.

You can find wise and well-trained practitioners in our free 1-page resource list at the bottom of this post.

3) Inner Healing

When we are wounded, we often respond in a sinful way. While the original sin or trauma against us is not in any way our fault, our sinful response to it is. We often make inner vows to protect ourselves, rejecting God as our protector.

  • “I’ll never let anyone close to me again. I’ll reject them before they reject me.”
  • “I’ll never be angry like my dad (or mom).”
  • “I’ll never rely on anyone. I’ll take care of myself.”

Those inner vows lead to bitter root expectations of how we will be treated. If we expect abandonment, we gravitate to relationships with people likely to abandon us. If we feel unworthy of love, we gravitate to relationships with abusive people who don’t treat us lovingly.

Inner healing is the process of identifying those inner vows, repenting of making them, renouncing them, and replacing them with God’s truth. You can read about the principles of inner healing in Dave’s FREE fun and engaging story here, The Runt: A Fable of Giant Inner Healing. In fact, periodically we do a 12-week zoom group going through the ebook. That link takes you to the waiting list page, but you can also download the ebook from there.

Inner healing is similar to deliverance in that a little knowledge can do a lot of damage. There are a lot of poor practitioners out there. You can find good ones in our resource list at the bottom of this post.

4) Medication

There’s nothing unspiritual about medication. Some people need medication first to level them out enough to receive inner healing, deliverance, or counseling. Other people need some deliverance or inner healing first before the medication can work, and then some good counseling. There’s no universal formula.

Your healing journey will be unique to you. Don’t let shame, or the unfortunate ignorance of other Christians, keep you from getting medication if you need it. Talk to your doctor. Talk to your pastor. Sign releases and ask them to talk to each other. Get everyone on your team on the same page.

What They All Have in Common

What do all things have in common? Two main things.

(1) Someone else is helping you. You can’t do it alone. Remember, shame is the major tool of our enemy to keep you living in wounding. Shame gets its power from secrecy and isolation. So in just reaching out for help, you’ve broken 90% of shame’s power right there. That’s why initially asking for help in the first place can be the hardest part.

(2) Going into the pain. In each case, you’re going to where the pain is. This is why so many people medicate their pain instead of getting healing for it. Getting healing hurts! Healing lies on the other side of the pain, and you have to go through the pain to get there. But you can get there.

So How about It?

Are you willing to go through a painful season of healing in your life, in order to live the adventure God created you for? An adventure beyond your wildest dreams? We would love to walk that journey with you. Reach out to us with an email.

Also, if you’re looking for healing, you can download our free 1-page resource list here. We have either personally benefitted from or personally know each of these ministries and we vouch for them. They know what they’re doing. (We do not have any affiliate relationship with any of these ministries.)

Have you been through healing and come out the other side? Leave a comment; your story will help others.

And please share this post to bless more people.

6 Ways the Enemy Keeps Us in Pain

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Our enemy is terrified of who God created you to be. And for good reason. When one Christian actually steps into the adventure God created him to live, the enemy’s kingdom suffers tremendous losses. Structures of lies that took decades to build come crumbling down in a moment. Whole people groups are set free. The atmosphere of an entire city changes.

The influence of one person living out her calling is felt for generations into the future, destroying the false works of a thousand ungodly pagans or compromised Christians. Seriously. One puts a thousand to flight.

“One of you routs a thousand, because the Lord your God fights for you, just as he promised.” –Joshua 23:10

So the enemy fights with everything he has to keep us from living the adventure God created us for. His primary strategy is trauma or sin against us which is not our fault. (Of course if he can deceive us to sin and inflict trauma on ourselves, that’s a bonus.) Wounding in our lives causes tremendous pain. Pain produces fear, and fear keeps us from living the adventure God created us for. Goal achieved.

He’s an expert at getting us to live in fear because he lives in fear. He’s read the Bible; he knows what’s coming. He’s terrified of his future, and he’s terrified of ours.

He provides false ways to deal with the pain in our lives. They all alleviate the pain (temporarily) without dealing with the underlying wounding. Hence, they all are doomed to fail in the long run.

See if you recognize any of these 6 demonic strategies operating in your own life. Some of them have certainly operated in mine. Often, they operate in combination.

1) Denial

Pain? No, there’s no pain here. Nothing to see, go back to your lives, citizens. It’s amazing how obvious it is when some else is denying an issue in their life, and equally amazing how blinded we can be to our own.

We see this in the church all the time. That thing in my past, no problem there. It’s all under the Blood! Yes, our entire past is covered under the redeeming Blood of Jesus. But being forgiven and being healed are two entirely different things.

We don’t go looking for things in our past, or new hip things to blame our parents for. But consistent bad fruit in our lives comes from somewhere. Too much of American church life is sin management, where we just deal with the obvious bad fruit without getting the root causes.

We too often deal with the symptoms, not the disease. All that does is teach us to get really good at hiding the symptoms while the disease goes merrily on, secretly wreaking havoc in our lives until it explodes.

If our past planted roots in our life that bear bad fruit in the present, then it’s not a past problem at all, is it? It’s a present problem, and we might have to go into the past to heal it.

2) Addictions

Medicating the pain. This is a bonus for the enemy, since many addictions, even when legal, lead to their own nasty consequences. Smoking leads to cancer. Drug and alcohol abuse lead to lying, theft, violence and/or jail time.

Sex addictions lead to broken relationships, exploiting other people as objects, epidemic fatherless in our society, and a deep-rooted self-hatred.

Yet in the moment, the addiction numbs the pain. So we learn to live for the moment, regardless of future consequences. We find ourselves in the bondage of just living for the next hit of our drug of choice.

3) Busy, Busy, Busy!

Fill your days with busyness, doing all the good, safe things. Never take a moment to hear the passionate cry of our heart.

In inner healing we call this Performance Orientation. It’s another form of addiction. It’s hard to identify because it looks so good on the outside. But it’s just a socially acceptable way of medicating pain.

4) Constant Media

Barrage your thoughts with a constant stream of noise, drowning out the whisper of God’s calling. The goal is to avoid any quiet moment when the Holy Spirit might speak to us.

The practice of silence is a lost art in our society. But it’s desperately needed. Please take some time each day to unplug. Even if it’s just 10 minutes.

This practice probably saved my life. When I went through my rebellious time in high school, I filled my days with noise. The Holy Spirit spoke to me in the quiet moments when I’d be getting ready for bed. Fortunately for me, we didn’t have earbuds back then that could keep the distractions flowing dawn to dusk. I heard him in those quiet moments and repented, turning back to him. Otherwise, I probably would not have survived the more difficult times in my adolescence that were to follow.

5) Cause Pain in Others

If I’m creating victims, I must not be one, right? Hurt people hurt people. The enemy gets exponential mileage out of this one. The perpetrator medicates his own pain by inflicting trauma on others.

I am in no way excusing any sin against you. And the perpetrator should go to jail if it was a crime. You deserve justice. But it can help in your healing to reprofile that person, realizing that they were acting out of their own wounding. Forgiveness is not pretending they didn’t do evil to you or letting them off the hook, but coming to the place where they are not the evil they did to you.

6) Control

Often, as a result of trauma or pain in our lives, we make inner vows to control so we won’t get hurt again. The problem is, that never works. But that doesn’t mean we stop trying. We’re deceived into thinking it’s safer that facing the pain. It certainly hurts less.

All of These Strategies Reinforce Shame

Shame is the #1 reason people don’t get healing. Shame makes us feel like we are something wrong. And since we are the thing that’s wrong, we can never be healed. The truth is, we have something wrong, but Jesus can totally heal it. It doesn’t have to be this way forever.

But God

Eventually, because of the pursuit of God’s relentless love, these things stop working. When what used to work in our lives no longer works, that’s a sign God wants to heal something. Although it doesn’t feel graceful because some aspect of our life is falling apart, it’s actually God’s grace to bring us into a season of healing.

So How about You?

Can you relate? Have you experienced these strategies in your life? Tell us in the comments; your story will help others. Or are you experiencing them now and want freedom? Shoot us an email; we’d love to share your journey with you. And please share this post to reach more people.

How to Know When You’re Decorating the Walls of Your Prison

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We all do the best we can to make our lives beautiful. But sometimes we get comfortable with behaviors, either our own or others, that aren’t healthy. We’ve been subject to them for so long they feel normal. Maybe they’re even common. But they aren’t healthy. So instead of living in the mansion of freedom Jesus has for us, we end up decorating the walls of our prison cell.

We make that prison cell look really nice too. It’s a comfortable place. But it’s a prison and it’s keeping us bound. It’s keeping us from the freedom that Jesus has for us.

The sticky wicket is, we often don’t know it. Here are 3 red flags that can clue you into the truth that you might be decorating your prison cell walls, instead of your room in the mansion of freedom that Jesus has for you.

1) There’s Something in the Past that’s Not Been Healed

We hear this one all the time in Christian circles. “It’s in the past; it’s under the blood.” That’s true. But if it’s causing present day bad fruit in your life—addictions, unworthiness, self-hatred, etc.—then it’s not in the past at all, is it?

When we become a Christian, we have that moment at the cross where we surrender and make Jesus the Lord of our life. Our past is instantly forgiven by the power of his blood. But that doesn’t mean it’s healed. Often it’s not.

Think of it this way. Have you ever changed the oil in your car and put the old oil in a milk carton? You mean to throw it away the next day, but life happens and you forget. Stuff gets piled up in the garage in front of that milk carton and you forget it’s back there.

Oil can last a long time in a milk carton. But eventually, that bugger’s going to leak. And it’s going to seep into every other cardboard box around it.

So, come December, you get the box of Christmas ornaments. But what’s that stain on the box? Weird. You clean it up and wipe off any ornaments affected. But then another box gets stained, and the books you stored inside are ruined. What’s up with that? Where’s this goop coming from?

You don’t realize that old oil is slowly seeping out of that milk carton, way in the back, into everything around it. And it’s going to keep happening, seeping into every different box in your life, until you deal with it.

“But I changed that oil years ago! It’s in the past!” Yeah, but if it’s seeping into boxes today and ruining things, it’s a present-day problem.

2) You’re Not Willing to Go There – “Anything but This”

Ok, maybe you know what that thing is, but you’re not willing to go there.

Doing post-abortive healing work, we’ve seen people with various different traumas in their life. Sometimes people say, “Anything but that. I’ll deal with my sexual abuse as a child, my abusive marriage, my addictions, my depression. But we’re not going to talk about my abortion.” But if that’s the milk carton the oil is leaking from, God wants to go there so he can heal it.

3) You Give but You Won’t Receive

So many Christians, especially leaders, medicate their pain by serving. If you’re happy to give to others but won’t receive yourself, you’re likely decorating the walls of your prison cell.

For example, if you’re on the Sunday morning prayer team, but won’t get prayer when you’re hurting, you might be decorating the walls of your prison cell.

If you’re a pastor, who do you get ministry from? You need a support network too. It’s ok if it needs to be someone outside your church. But it needs to be someone. If you don’t go to anyone for ministry or counseling yourself, are you medicating your own pain through ministry? Are you decorating the walls of your prison cell? Jesus has freedom for you.

What to Do When You See It

So what do you do when you realize, “On snap! I’ve been decorating the walls of my prison all these years?”

Get healing for that thing. Yes, that one, way back there. Counseling is a great place to start, either pastoral or professional. Preferably get both, and sign releases so they can talk to each other. You want everybody on the same page.

BTW, if either poo-poos the other, that is, if your pastor poo-poos professional counselor or your counselor poo-poos pastoral counseling, that’s a red flag. Find a different one. You don’t want counseling from either a pastor or a professional with a messiah “all you need is me” complex. They’re probably medicating their own pain by fixing you. Not healthy. Find someone who’s humble and willing to work as a team.

Your Turn

Does this resonate? Share your story in the comments; it will help others. And please share if this post will bless others.

How to Do a Powerful Spiritual Reset in 2 Steps

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Starting in late February 2020, during Lent, our church embarked on a sermon series called “Reset: Next Generation.” We sought God through congregational fasting about if and how the Holy Spirit wants our church to change. We found out later that many prophetic voices across Christendom in that same time period received similar words. Reset.

Then covid-19 hit. Talk about a reset! It is pretty much resetting the whole world, which is not necessarily a bad thing, although it’s certainly painful.

I am in no way playing down the seriousness of covid-19, or the tragedy that has played out all around the world, from China to South Korea to Iran to Italy to Spain to France to New York. Nor am I downplaying the longer-term danger of this hour, where dark forces in our government are testing using this opportunity to steer America toward socialism. If history is any teacher, surrendering “rights” for “security” is a good way to lose both.

But, except for our indirect voice in voting, those decisions are way above our paygrade for most of us. So while, yes, all of that is in play, I think God is doing something else on a grass roots level, where each of us lives as individuals. God is offering every church, and more importantly each of us individually, own personal “reset” during this season.

If we, the people of God, correctly discern this season and reset accordingly to the opportunity God is affording us now, then everything else will fall into place. Because all those “bigger” things are just made up of people. So if people will reset, the churches will reset in intimacy. The government will reset in righteousness. Corporations will reset in integrity. Society will reset in godliness. Resets in all the “big” things above our paygrade start with resets in us.

If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and heal their land. – 2 Chronicles 7:14

The best thing about 2 Chronicles 7:14 is it doesn’t matter what the pagans do. It matters what God’s people do. If we take this opportunity to hear the Holy Spirit and reset our lives, God will take care of the rest and heal our land. I think God is inviting us to partner with him in ushering in the Third Great Awakening.

So how do we reset? We perform resets on our devices every day. I think we can learn a lot for this season by the way computers reset. In particular, here are two ways we can perform a godly reset during this golden opportunity.

1) What Memory Do You Need to Power Off?

We’ve all had the experience of working on a computer when either the power goes out or our laptop battery dies. Doh! I just lost all that work I didn’t save! In the computer industry, we have a saying: “There are two types of computer users: Those who have lost critical data, and those who are about to. Save often.”

When the power bounces and a computer resets, the first thing that happens is volatile memory is lost. Everything on the hard drive is still there, but whatever was actually inside the working memory of the computer is gone.

When God performed resets in the Bible, there is often something that needs to be forgotten. Not “forgotten” in the sense of “not remembered anymore”—it’s important to remember where we’ve come from and what God’s done for us so far. But “forgotten” in the sense of “not lived out anymore.”

For example, look at some of God’s resets in the Bible:

  • Israel’s Deliverance from Egypt through Moses. The people of Israel needed to forget how to live under oppression as slaves. Their inability to forget that lifestyle caused a lot of problems.
  • The Captivity in Babylon. God’s people needed to forget their godless, pagan practices and lifestyles.
  • The Cross. The greatest reset in human history so far, we could now forget legalism.
  • Jesus’ Return. Still to come, we will be able to forget injustice as he sets everything right.

What do you need to forget in your life? What godless lifestyle and/or practice do you need to leave behind? Going deeper, what pain is that thing medicating? What sin against you by someone else, what oppression, what injustice, does God want to heal?

2) Reset Your BIOS

When a computer boots up, the first program to execute is the BIOS, the Basic Input/Output System. Most computers display a splash screen while this is happening. A computer’s BIOS sets up the basic stuff it needs to operate—all the input/output devices, like the hard drive, the keyboard, the monitor, the mouse, the USB ports. A computer can’t do much without input or output. Neither can you.

In fact, all of a computer’s output, everything it does, is a function of the input it’s given. That’s why we say in the computer industry “GIGO: Garbage In, Garbage Out.” As humans, we work the same way.

Use this period of God’s reset to refresh your BIOS. What inputs are you allowing into your spirit? What media do you watch? What media do you listen to? The input you consume directly affects the output of your life, even if you don’t see it.

Often, tragically, we hold ourselves back from the fullness God has for us by the media we consume. Because we don’t experience that closeness to God, we don’t know what we’re missing. We think we’re fine but in reality we’re only living a shadow of what we could be.

Use this opportunity to re-evaluate all the media you consume, from video games to TV to movies to music. Don’t take anything for granted, but ask the Holy Spirit what that media looks like through God’s eyes.

One real simple litmus test for godly media: Does it contain or promote sex outside of marriage (between one man and one woman)?

If your favorite TV show has people sleeping together who aren’t married—or homosexual or transsexual characters where that lifestyle is portrayed as acceptable—watching that show is harming you. It doesn’t matter if the rest of the world is watching it. It’s moving you further away from God.

Does the music you’re listening to degrade women by reducing them to sex objects? Modern rap is notorious for this; although, there’s good rap out there too. Every generation has its unredeemed music. There’s a reason you’ve probably never heard the words to Glenn Miller’s 1940s hit “In the Mood.” You’ve probably only heard big bands play the instrumental version. Although the music is awesome, the words are straight lust.

Now I’m a musician, and I love secular music. There’s a lot of good stuff out there. So no legalism here, just fact. I’m just saying as the people of God, we need to be discerning about the media we allow ourselves to consume. Not to win brownie points on some legalistic checklist, but because it’s taking us further away from our lover-God.

The Question before Us

I believe, in this season of God’s reset upon the earth, he is wanting to launch the Third Great Awakening by drawing us back to himself. Will you turn off the TV, put down the headphones, silence your phone, and spend time with the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords, the God who loves you? Will you unplug for a moment and reset your life centered on Jesus? What an exciting time to be alive!

Why You Need a Bias toward Action

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It’s counter-intuitive, but action wins over clarity every time. Waiting to act until we have clarity will keep us paralyzed, never realizing our calling. It’s just socially acceptable procrastination.

Mother Teresa

A reporter visited Mother Teresa to do a story. When getting ready to leave, he asked her to pray for him for clarity. He had some big decisions he had to make back home that he was stressed about. She told him no.

He was shocked. “What do you mean you won’t pray for me? You’re Mother Teresa!”

She answered him, “I can’t pray for you for clarity because I’ve never had it. But I will pray for you for faith.”

Who Are We Trusting?

Waiting for clarity before we step out is really a form of self-idolatry. “I’ll be safe if I figure this out first. My clarity is my security, and then who needs God? I got this.”

I had a pastor who always used to say, “You spell faith R-I-S-K.” It’s a scary thing to trust God instead of ourselves. Faith is risky. But faith is where our calling lies.

Ships Weren’t Made for Docks

Waiting for clarity keeps your ship chained to the dock. It’s a lot safer than sailing out in that big, scary ocean, where many ships have sunk. But it’s not what the ship was made for.

Staying safe isn’t what you were made for, either. You were made for adventure. What’s the passion of your heart? God put that there.

“It’s a scary thing to step outside your front door.” – Bilbo Baggins

The Best Way to Get Clarity

The best way to get clarity is to act. Try something. What’s the next right thing? If you were actually going to pursue that passion in your heart, what’s the first baby step you’d take? Do that.

“Clarity comes with action.” – Jeff Goins

A former mentor, Jeff Goins, used to always say, “Clarity comes with action.” After you try something, you have much greater clarity about it. You’ve learned something. It worked or it didn’t. Most likely, it partially worked, and you’ve learned how to make it better.

Talk About Fear

A bunch of Christians running around fulfilling the passion God put in their hearts is Hell’s nightmare scenario. This is what keeps the enemy up at night. Because if we actually live out who God created us to be, the Kingdom of Darkness falls all across the world like a house of cards.

Yet all the enemy can do to prevent us from fulfilling our destiny, reaching our potential, and living our calling is pass his fear along to us. If he can anchor us to the dock of false safety with fear disguised as needing clarity before acting, he wins.

The people our message will touch are loved by God. But until we start doing things to move toward our calling, those precious lives remain firmly under enemy control. How sad.

On that Day we meet him face-to-face, what if Jesus shows us all the resources of Heaven that were positioned to help us live out our heart’s passion? Like dominoes, they were ready to fall into place to enable our calling. But it never happened because we never pushed over that first domino. How tragic would that be! I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to have that conversation.

How to Use Your Brain

No one is saying be stupid. Use the brain God gave you. But use your brain to figure out the wisest path toward the passion God put in your heart. Don’t let your brain talk you out of it. So often “waiting for clarity” is just an excuse to live in fear.

Your brain is your GPS. It navigates the route. It never selects, or denies, your destination.

Say you get in your car and enter a destination into your GPS. “You really don’t want to go there,” said no one’s GPS ever. No. You, the driver, pick the destination, and, given that destination, your GPS plans the best route. That’s how it works. Your GPS is not allowed to have an opinion about your selected destination. Neither does your brain.

Your heart, led by the Holy Spirit, is the driver. Your passion is the destination. Your brain doesn’t have the right to talk you out of it. Your brain’s job is to say, “Ok, given that’s your passion, here’s the route. Here’s the best way to realize that in your life.”

Then take that first baby step. Clarity comes with action.

Your Turn

What’s the passion in your heart? Are you “waiting for clarity”? What is the first baby step you can take? Tell us in the comments. And please share if this would bless someone else.

Letting Go of What We Love That’s Killing Us

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Sometimes we hang onto things that hold us back from our God-given destiny. They hold us back from the very thing we were created for and would be happiest doing. But we love those things and can’t let go.

These things have a name in scripture, but it’s a name our modern world doesn’t like. It’s an extremely offensive name, by today’s sensibilities. It’s certainly not politically correct. Many churches have even stopped using this name for things, to the great harm of their congregants. That name is this: Sin.

Sometimes we hang onto our sin like our lives depended on it, when in fact the opposite is true. In reality, our lives depend on letting it go.

Usually we know what it is, but sometimes it’s hidden. Here’s a clue. If there’s something in your life where you say, “Lord, you can have anything but this one thing! Can’t I just have this one thing?” You’ve probably found it. It’s possible it’s not even a bad thing, in and of itself; for example, watching sports.

But if it’s an idol in our lives, then it’s sin for us. If we sacrifice serving others for it, then to us it’s sin. If we sacrifice intimacy with Jesus for it, then it’s sin in our lives, and it’s silently destroying us.

Or not so silently. Often, we think we’re hiding it pretty well, when the only one we’re fooling is ourselves. Everyone else knows. We might as well admit it.

How to Get Rid of It

Remember at the beginning of Lord of the Rings (specifically The Fellowship of the Ring) when Bilbo the hobbit is about to leave the Shire? He’s leaving his fancy hobbit-hole and all his possessions to his nephew Frodo. Although he also intends to leave his magic ring behind, he has great difficulty doing so.

In this scene, you and I are Bilbo, and the ring represents sin in our lives that we want to let go off. But it’s hard. Gandalf represents Jesus, the Holy Spirit, and God the Father.

Friendly Reminders

Bilbo’s got his backpack on and is ready to leave the Shire for good. Gandalf asks him if he’s leaving everything to Frodo, even the ring. “Yes, of course,” answers Bilbo. “The ring’s in an envelope on the mantle for Frodo. Oh wait, it’s here in my pocket.”

Even though Bilbo intended to leave the ring for Frodo, he still had it in his pocket. While we often desire to let go of our sin, our good intentions mean nothing by themselves. Our actions are what change our lives for the better, or the worse.

Gandalf asked Bilbo where the ring is. It’s only then that Bilbo realizes he still has it in his pocket. The Holy Spirit starts by giving us gentle, friendly reminders.

Self-Justification and Rationalization

Then, confronted with the fact that he’s not following through on his commitment to leave the ring behind, Bilbo starts to justify himself. “Why shouldn’t it be in my pocket? It’s mine. It came to me after all. Why shouldn’t I keep it? It’s precious to me.”

This is very unlike Bilbo. He is beginning to display the character of the ring, rather than himself. When we refuse to let go of the sin God is pointing out in our lives, it will infect our character. The character of the sin will be on display in our lives, hi-jacking who God created us to be.

Gandalf is very concerned, because this is not like Bilbo. He knows the ring is not good for Bilbo. And while he certainly has the power to take it from Bilbo, he also knows Bilbo has to choose to give it up himself. Otherwise, it would continue to have power over Bilbo like it does over Gollum. Forced from him, it would continue to pull Bilbo toward it. This is why religion can’t free you from sin. Only your repentance, freely given and not guilted out of you, can do that.

Far too many of our churches operate under law. But that just drives our sin underground. We get sneakier about hiding it. We pretend we’re working on it. But we never actually let it go.

Anger and Accusation

Gandalf does not like the way things are going and has to say something. “I think you’ve had that ring quite long enough.”

No condemnation, just simple truth. The Holy Spirit will do that. Because presenting truth presents a choice.

Bilbo chooses to get angry. “What business is it of yours what I do with my own things? You just want it for yourself!” Do we do that? Do we accuse God to distract from the truth about us?

Gandalf changes. The room gets dark and he grows big. “Bilbo Baggins! I am not trying to rob you!” This shocks Bilbo out of his self-deceptive spell. Sometimes God has to do this. Sometimes God allows difficult circumstances in our lives to shock us out of our self-justification and denial.

Gandalf shrinks again and the room lightens up. “I am trying to save you,” says Gandalf as compassionately as he can. “Trust me as you once did.”

Bilbo tears up and hugs Gandalf. “I’m sorry, Gandalf! You are right, of course. The ring will go to Frodo.”

The Final Letting Go

“Well, that’s a relief!” says Bilbo. “All right then, I’m off. Goodbye Gandalf!” Bilbo starts to walk out the door.

“Bilbo,” reminds Gandalf, “the ring is still in your pocket.” The choice is still Bilbo’s. But Gandalf won’t let him “accidentally” walk off with the ring. The Holy Spirit will do this, giving us as many reminders as we need. God’s not going to let us “accidentally” keep our sin. If we decide to keep it, he’s going to make sure we know it’s a conscious choice.

Bilbo takes the ring out of his pocket. While slightly different than the book, director Peter Jackson did such a phenomenal portrayal of this in the movie. Bilbo puts the ring on the flat palm of his hand. Begrudgingly, slowly, he turns his hand so the ring can fall to the floor.

But the ring clings to Bilbo’s hand far past the point when natural gravity would have taken it. The ring doesn’t want to leave Bilbo, and it’s hanging on for all it’s worth. Sin does that with us. It doesn’t want to leave. It makes itself very heavy and hard to let go of.

Finally, gravity does take over and the ring falls from Bilbo’s hand to the floor. Bilbo is free! And you can tell in his countenance that he feels 100 pounds lighter.

That’s what repentance does for us. That’s when freedom comes. And we feel a million pounds lighter, wondering why we fought so hard to hang onto our sin. Although the Holy Spirit helps us, at the end of the day, the choice is ours.

Your Turn

Have you experienced these different stages? Are you still fighting through one or more of them? Tell us your story in the comments or shoot us an email. And please share this post if it would bless others.

How to Talk to Your Heart

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We often have this false idea in the Western world that the battle’s all in the mind, that it’s all about how we think. If that were true, why do people smoke, do drugs, drink excessively, eat excessively, and do all sorts of things they know is bad for them? There must be something else going on.

The problems in our mind often lead to bad fruit, but the root of our problems is often not in our mind at all, but in our heart.

So often in the church we minister to people’s behavior, because that’s the low-hanging, bad fruit. It’s visible. It’s obvious. It’s clearly a problem. But that just leads to sin management, not real transformation. We have to minister to the root.

The root is often at the heart. In Western culture, in our arrogance, we’ve exalted our intellect at the expense of our heart. Yes, our thoughts are important, and we want to develop the skill of taking every thought captive to Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5). There is a battle in the mind for sure. But that’s the effect, not the cause. The foundational battle is in the heart, and often it shapes our behavior and our thinking more than our mind does.

Jesus agrees with me. He says in Matthew 15:19, “For out of the heart come evil thoughts—murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander.”

You catch that? Those are all behavioral problems he just mentioned, and he didn’t say they came from bad theology or wrong thinking. They come from the heart. The bad theology and wrong thinking is just our brain rationalizing what’s already in our heart.

And again, Jesus says in Luke 6:45, “A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.”

Jesus thought the heart was pretty important.

Ever have a mile’s worth of negative reaction over an inch of offense? Ever been like, “Where’d that come from?” And then we’re all embarrassed and ashamed because we reacted so strongly when we know that strong of a reaction wasn’t merited? I’ve done that, been there, got the tee-shirt. That’s a clue there’s a heart issue going on.

Often when we’re hurting, or addressing bad fruit in our lives, the most important conversation we can have is with our heart. We have so played-down our hearts and dishonored our hearts, while they are so wounded. A good way to start healing is to honor our heart by learning to listen to it.

So how do you talk to your heart? It may look different for you, but this is how I do it. I ask these four questions:

  1. Heart, why are you hurting, what wounded you?
  2. Heart, how did that make you feel?
  3. Heart, what did you come to believe? About yourself? Others? God?
  4. Ok, Heart, then what did you vow to protect yourself?

I put my hand over my heart, just because it helps me focus. Then I say (preferably out loud if I’m in a safe space like my car or some other private place), “Heart, why are you afraid?” or “Heart, why are you hurting?” And then I listen.

This is listening, so you have to protect the quiet. My brain, always trying to help, jumps in with all sorts of answers, “because of this,” or “because of that.” I have to tell my brain, “Shut up, I’m not talking to you.” Then I go back to quiet, listening to my heart.

Sometimes answers are immediate, but sometimes I have to wait anywhere between a few minutes or a few days. Sometimes even a few weeks, but I keep asking. It’s not that my heart’s not answering, it’s that I’m hard-of-heart-hearing. Sometimes it’s hard for me to hear my heart. For some of us, this is a completely foreign concept.

To talk to our heart, we have to unlearn a bunch of stuff we’ve learned. Like, “all meaning can be expressed in words.” Not! Our heart learned to talk a long time before our brain did. And when our heart learned to talk, we didn’t have verbal language yet. That’s why 90% of all communication is non-verbal. It’s heart-speak.

So our heart doesn’t always talk in words. Sometimes a memory will pop up. Your heart is telling you the answer is because “this” happened.

Our brain can help if we train it to. For example, I’ve dealt at various times with different levels of self-hatred. I had a very good Christian childhood and my parents loved me. And my siblings, two brothers 10 years older than me, also loved me and were very good to me. I had no trauma growing up. But because of a deep-rooted self-hatred I didn’t even know was there, I made some poor choices in my life because I didn’t think I deserved any better. So I recently was trying to figure out where that came from.

So I asked my heart, “Heart, what’s your wound?” Crickets. I was having trouble hearing my heart. That’s not a question it necessarily wants to answer, and hearing your heart is hard anyway. So I let my brain help, giving my heart a multiple-choice question instead of an essay question.

“I was bullied.” Nothing. Nope that’s not it.

“My parents weren’t proud of me.” Nothing. I know that’s not true, that lie has no power over me.

“I was a mistake.” Sudden strong emotion! Where’d that come from? I had to fight back an audible cry in the car. Bingo! That’s the wound. My two brothers were 10 years older than me, and I thought I was a mistake.

Now I was onto something. So I probed deeper, and now the answers came quickly. “Heart, how did that make you feel?” Unloved.

“Heart, what did you come to believe?” No one will love me.

“Heart, what did you vow to protect yourself?” I will make everyone happy so they love me.

That explains so much! My mom told me as a baby I’d cackle or coo or do whatever made the person holding me smile.

My dad told me, as a 2-year old, they only had to tell me once to not touch the expensive figurines on the coffee table, and I wouldn’t. He said he’d never seen another child like me.

These sound like good things, but they were a child trying to earn love because he believed a foundational lie. It lead to some bad choices later on.

Since I’ve learned what the wound was, what the foundational lie was, it’s been much easier to deal with. Now when I have thoughts of self-hatred, I call out the lie and replace it with God’s truth. “No, I’m not a mistake. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. God’s works are wonderful, I know that full well.” (That’s Psalm 139:14, BTW. If you struggle with self-hatred, internalize Psalm 139. It’s the anti-self-hatred psalm.)

So what about you? Talk to your heart lately? Do you need to? Try this out and let us know how it goes in comments or shoot us email. We’d really love to hear from you. And please share this if you think it would help someone else.

BTW, the concepts in this post come from the Identity and Destiny seminar by Sandra Sellmer-Kersten, from Elijah House Ministries – Australia. If you liked this post, you’ll love this DVD series, available here. FYI, this is *not* an affiliate link; I get no commission if you click or buy. But you will get a tremendous, life transformation, like I did. I cannot recommend this series highly enough.

A Tale of Two Sons

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This post is based about Jesus’ parable of The Prodigal Son.

If you’re not familiar with it, read it first here.

Here’s my paraphrase of this story:

Younger son wants his due.
He wants it now.
It’s his just right.
Just ask him, he’ll tell you.

Father knows best.
But consents to give worst because
He knows younger son needs to discover for himself.
Discover the poison of his own desires.
Discover the selfishness of his own heart.
Discover that he’s hurting himself.
Discover he had it best with his Father.

So Father gives and waits and watches.
And waits and watches and waits and watches.
Younger son repents in the pig slop.
Father flies to him and restores.
Yes! Father’s heart cry is heard and fulfilled.

Older son wants his due.
He wants it now.
It’s his earned right.
Just ask him, he’ll tell you.

Father knows best.
Entreats his son who does his work
To also have his heart.
No! Father’s heart cry unheard by a deaf heart.

Who’s the main character in this story, The Prodigal Son (Luke 15:11-32)? Which son is this story really about? The younger son, whose rebellion we so readily identify with? Or the older son, too stuck in religion, too busy doing his father’s work to have his father’s heart?

Neither son! Trick question! This story’s about the Father and his heart for both of his sons. The Father is the main character.

The Younger Son Trapped in Rebellion

The younger son didn’t know who he was. He was rebellious and selfish, without love for his Father. His inheritance is what he would get when his Father died. Asking for it while his Father was still alive was saying, “I wish you were dead! You’re dead to me!”

He was deceived by living in the pleasure of the moment. It took a hard crash in the pig slop for him to come to his senses. To the younger son, the Father says, “Son, your sin has separated you from me and it’s breaking my heart. But I’m waiting. And when you turn, I’ll carry you back.”

That’s where the analogy breaks down, because God does more than just wait. In the movie Furious Love by Darren Wilson, Associate Pastor Kris Vallotton from Bethel Church in Redding, CA, describes God’s passionate love like this:

I’ve watched that over and over and over in people’s lives, where they go, “I don’t like God anymore.” Something terrible happens in their life, maybe their spouse dies or they lose a child, or all the crazy stories we hear, and they go, “That’s God’s fault, I blame God for that.” And they walk away. But God goes, “I still love you. I still care about you. And I will set up circumstances so that you will have to try very hard to not love me back. Because, in this marriage, I’m the bridegroom and you’re the bride. And in this marriage, I’m the one pursuing you. I’m the male in this relationship; I’m the pursuer. And I love you way more than you love me. You can try to reject me and play hard to get, but you have no idea how hard it’s going to be to not love me.”

God doesn’t just wait. He meddles. Constantly.

The Older Son Trapped in Religion

The older son didn’t know who he was, either. He was a loyal employee, with no more love for his Father than his younger brother. He was trying to earn by hard work what he already had by inheritance. And he wasn’t longing to celebrate with his Father, but with his buddies, deceived by the promise of earning future pleasure.

To the older son, the Father says, “Son, everything I have is yours and always has been. You can celebrate with me anytime you want. I am so here for you. But you’ve been too preoccupied doing my work to have my heart. I would rather have intimacy with you than 100 acres more crops.”

God is looking for lovers.

So often we minister out of our wounding, rather than out of intimacy with the Father. Ministering out of wounding, we can pursue the wrong calling and miss what he really had for us. How tragic to have spent a lifetime sacrificing and pursuing the wrong calling, constantly wondering why nothing’s working!

God is looking for lovers. It’s only in experiencing the ecstasy of intimacy relating to Jesus and the Father’s heart that we know who we really are and what we’re really for.

Your Turn

Do you want his heart? Will you give him yours? Which son have you been? Tell us your story in the comments, and share this post if it would bless others.