How to Keep from Making the Same Mistakes

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Many of us are familiar with Bill Murray’s comedy movie Groundhog Day, where he keeps reliving the same day, day after day. Sometimes we live our lives like that, where we keep making the same mistake over and over again. Why do we do that?

Often, it’s because we think we’re the problem. If I can fix myself, if I can just try harder… That gives us a false sense of control. But the truth is, often, we’re not the problem at all.

Doh! Who Left the Secure Room Unlocked? Again?!?

In a previous job as a government contractor, we had a secure room in our building, a lab dedicated to a certain customer. It had its own spin-dial combination lock on the door so only people working on that program could enter.

We had several incidents where the secure room was left unlocked overnight. Typically, an early guy unlocked the room in the morning, and a late guy locked it up at night. But if, for example, the late guy had a doctor’s appointment so he was out early that day, and the early guy didn’t know it, nobody locked the room. The early guy expected the late guy to lock it but the late guy was already gone.

This is a big deal. When a secure room doesn’t get locked, you have to report the security violation to the customer. Enough security violations over a short enough time interval, and they cancel your secure room, your contract, and your business with that customer. The place could shut down and we all lose our jobs.

When this happened yet again, the office manager sent out an email about the importance of locking the secure room and how we all had to try harder and do better.

I told him that wouldn’t work. We were all conscientious professionals, and we were already trying as hard as we could. We couldn’t “try harder.”

The people weren’t the problem. We all understood the importance and what was at stake. Everyone wanted the room locked each night. It wasn’t the people that weren’t working. It was the system, the procedure, that wasn’t working. We needed to do something different.

So we laminated a colored 3” x 5” card as the “door tag,” and put it on a chain you could hang around your neck. It hung outside the door at night, signifying the room was locked. When you unlocked it in the morning, you hung the tag around your neck. That tag signified the open room was your responsibility. No one was going to accidentally go home with the 3” x 5” tag around their neck.

When you left for the day, you either had to find someone else to accept the tag (and hence responsibility for locking the room), or you locked the room and hung the tag outside the door.

So when an early guy who unlocked the room that morning was going home, he’d find a late guy to pass the tag off to. If he couldn’t find a late guy, he’d lock the room.

We never had another problem with the room being left unlocked. It was a very simple solution. But it was different. And it worked.

Trying Harder Doesn’t Work

More willpower doesn’t work. Trying harder doesn’t work. When we double down on our willpower, determined to just white-knuckle it and try harder, we’re saying, “If I just do what didn’t work hard enough, it’ll work this time.” No, it won’t. Because trying hard enough is not the problem.

“If I just do what didn’t work hard enough, it’ll work this time.”
No, it won’t.

Like in the example above with the secure room, we were already trying as hard as we could. We needed to do something different. And if you are going around the track again, you need to do something different too.

Losing a Body Part

Jesus talked about making changes and doing things differently. In the Sermon on the Mount, he put it rather graphically like this:

“If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body go into hell.” – Jesus, Matthew 5:29-30

Jesus was speaking figuratively. He didn’t really want a bunch of one-eyed disciples named “Lefty.” He’s talking about removing yourself from situations that lead to the mistakes we keep making. He was talking about doing something differently.

For example, if you’re an alcoholic, don’t go to the bar after work with the guys. If your “no” is not strong enough yet to take on the peer pressure at 5:00 PM when everyone’s leaving, then work 7:00 AM to 3:00 PM.

“But I’ve got to reach them for Jesus!” Not at the bar, if it’s causing you to stumble. It’s someone else’s job, who doesn’t struggle with alcoholism, to reach them in the bar. You get coffee before work and lunch in the cafeteria.

How to Do Something Different

Here are 3 ways you can make a positive change toward doing things differently.

(1) Design your environment to support the behavior you want. For many of us, the environment we live in fights against the behavior we’re trying to install or the goals we’re trying to achieve.

It’s hard to, for example, lose weight when there’s a half-gallon of ice cream in the fridge calling your name. It’s much easier to not eat the ice cream if it’s not there. Yes, I realize I’m over-simplifying this issue. But you get the point.

It’s much easier for me to go to the gym in the morning when I’ve set out my gym clothes the night before. Then, when I wake up and I’m groggy, my environment is reminding me of my goal and helping me achieve it.

(2) Get help. A trained outsider can really help with this. There is no shame in seeing a therapist or a counselor or a life coach. We all need help sometimes. An outsider, someone outside your regular circle, will see the dysfunction your circle takes for granted. I highly recommend counseling. And, BTW, it’s normal to go through several counselors/therapists/life coaches until you find the one that works for you.

In the weight loss example above, along with not having ice cream in the house, what about if we dig into the pain that the over-eating is medicating? Be willing to deal with the root, not just the bad fruit.

(3) Treat everything like an experiment. Try different changes to your routines. You don’t have to commit to a change forever. Put a timeframe on it. “I’m going to try this for two weeks.” And then re-evaluate. See what works. Keep what does, dump what doesn’t. Chew the meat, spit out the bones.

Often we don’t try new things because we’re afraid of the shame if we fail. That’s a self-limiting mindset that needs to be reframed. Think of it as just an experiment. There’s no shame if an experiment doesn’t work out. We learned something, and we’ll try something else.

Your Turn

Is this helpful? What are you going to try differently? What have you changed in your life by doing something different? Tell us in the comments, and please share this post if it would bless others.

How to Move from Good to Beautiful

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I recently listened to Dr Curt Thompson on the Face-to-Face podcast with Cathy Little and Melinda Wilson (the episode on 1/18/2022].

Dr. Curt Thompson said something that blew my mind. It’s a simple thing, something where you might say, “oh that’s nice,” and just move on with your day. But if you stop and think about it, this changes everything.

There’s one word in scripture that could be transliterated into a different English word. It’s the Hebrew word for “good.” Dr Thompson said “good” could also be transliterated as “beautiful.”

Oh, that’s nice. No, stop and think about it! Think about your favorite passages using the word “good” in scripture, and instead use the word “beautiful.”

When God created the world in Genesis 1, after each day of creation it says, “… and God saw that it was good.” But what if “… and God saw that it was beautiful” better captures the essence of the original language? Then, when God made people, “… and God saw that it was very good” becomes “… and God saw that it was very beautiful.” Does that change everything?

From Evaluating to Gazing

Good and bad are things we evaluate. We discern good vs bad. And we should. Not correctly discerning good vs bad is causing a lot of pain, confusion, and evil in the world right now.

But when our concept of God goes from “good” to “beautiful,” it changes everything. This takes it to a whole new level. Our hearts get involved. We stop evaluating him, and we just want to look at him. To gaze at him. To spend precious time with him. More.

As the good shepherd (John 10), I evaluate Jesus. My logic evaluates that, yes, he meets the definition of “good,” so I discern I can trust him. But although my head agrees, my heart still holds back.

But when he becomes the beautiful shepherd, now I just want to look at him. Because beauty is something my heart discerns. My heart is involved now. It’s captured. Is this the beauty I’ve been longing for and been afraid to believe existed?

“Good” is discerned with the brain, while “beautiful” is discerned with the heart.

As a good father, I evaluate God. My brain discerns that, ok, his discipline really is for my good. Intellectual ascent. Boxed checked, let’s get on with my day.

But as a beautiful father, my heart pauses. I just want to sit in his lap for one more timeless moment. Daddy, read me a story…

And I weep. All my pain comes out as I press into his chest, held safely by him like a hen gathers her chicks under her wing (Luke 13:34). Because he’s reading me the story of me. How he sees me. Who he created me to be. Who I really am.

The Lost Art of Gazing

In our modern world, we’ve forgotten how to stop and gaze. And we’re the poorer for it. I’ve got a schedule to keep! And that’s all good. It’s productive. But it’s not beautiful. Stopping to gaze at beauty is beautiful.

“Stop and smell the roses” became “stop and smell the coffee.” That’s a great joke that I’ve used and enjoyed many times myself and there’s nothing wrong with it. But as I’m writing this, I wonder. Is there a subtle shift there? With roses, you actually have to stop to smell them. But coffee you can take with you, no stopping required. So we’ve missed the whole point then haven’t we? The point was never in the smelling, but in the stopping.

We can only gaze at beauty when we stop.

Stop and Gaze

If you’re married, have you stopped to gaze at your spouse lately? Try this exercise. Sit on the couch together. Set a timer for three minutes. No words. Just gaze lovingly at each other. Whatever that means.

Don’t stare – you can blink. You can look away. But gaze. Dr. Thompson says it’s really awkward for the first 90 seconds or so. But when the timer goes off, many couples don’t want to stop. How would our marriages change if we just took three minutes a day to gaze at each other?

How about Jesus? Do we stop and gaze at him? Are we willing to make the jump from “good” to “beautiful” and engage our hearts?

Bible studies are great; we should all do more. But how would our lives changed if stopped to just gaze at him with no agenda for a few precious minutes each day?

Your Turn

What do you think? Tell us in the comments. And please share this post if it would bless others.

A Christian’s Super Power: Forgiveness

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There’s one quality of Christianity, a central feature actually, that other world religions just don’t have. And the world lacks completely. In fact, being able to do this one thing separates Christians from the rest of the world. That thing is Forgiveness.

Being raised in a (mostly) Christian culture, at least one founded on Christian principles, in the West we all know unforgiveness is bad. We all know we’re supposed to forgive people. Forgiveness is the true triumph of love over evil.

Still, the enemy can trick us into unforgiveness so easily because we really don’t know what forgiveness is. So what really is forgiveness anyway? Sometimes it’s easier to understand what something is by understanding what it’s not. Here’s some things forgiveness is not that people often mistake for forgiveness.

Forgiveness is NOT…

  • … pretending nothing happened.
  • … covering for the other person.
  • … trusting someone who should not be trusted.
  • … giving a perpetrator access so they can do it again.
  • … not having healthy boundaries.
  • … letting a criminal go free.
  • … avoiding conflict.
  • … pretending to agree with the other person when you really don’t.
  • … feeling happy about something bad that happened.
  • … an emotion or a feeling at all.

We often hear, “I can’t forgive that person, they’ll do it again.” Our unforgiveness is not the thing preventing them from doing it again. That’s on them. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you can’t have healthy boundaries. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to place yourself at risk with an unhealthy person.

Most people are familiar with the 5 stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Depression, Bargaining, and Acceptance. The stages of forgiveness are basically the same, because the evil done to you often represents a loss to your person. You need to fully grieve the loss to fully forgive the other person.

Just like grieving, forgiveness is a process. No one walks up to a widow after her husband’s funeral and says, “Well, that was a great service. I’m so glad for you that you’re done with grieving now.” Pretty much anyone within earshot would smack that person! Because we understand that grieving is a process, not an event. We all get that her grieving process is just beginning, and we’d all expect it to take at least a year, if not longer. We’d all expect her to bounce between days like these:

  • “I can’t believe he’s really gone.”
  • “I’m angry that he’s gone. It’s not fair.”
  • “I’m sad that he’s gone. I miss him so much my heart is breaking.”
  • “Today was a good day.”

Her friends aren’t concerned if she has an angry day or a depressed week, or if they see her in any of the other stages of grief. They get concerned if she gets stuck in one of the stages for months or years on end. Going through the stages is not a problem. Getting stuck in one of them is.

Forgiveness is the same way. “I said a prayer of forgiveness for that person who abused me. I’m glad that’s over and done with.” No, it doesn’t work that way. Forgiveness is a process, not an event. Going through the stages is not a problem. Getting stuck in one of them is.

We see people stuck in denial all the time. You can tell, because they minimize the sin against them, and make excuses for the other person. “It wasn’t so bad” or “they didn’t mean it” or “they were going through a really hard time.” I’m not talking about things people do accidently. I’m talking about the big stuff. I’m talking about when, yes, it was that bad, and yes, they did mean it.

Covering for the other person is not forgiveness. Lying about how bad it was is not forgiveness. It’s actually dishonoring to the other person to lie about their behavior. You’re keeping them from the help they might otherwise receive. Although it can appear to be honoring, lies never bring honor, because they allow evil to continue unchecked in the other person. And that’s not love.

Minimizing the other person’s sin against you is actually unforgiveness. It’s pretending the wrong wasn’t wrong, and so it keeps you from forgiving them. If “it wasn’t so bad” then there’s nothing to forgive, is there? By pretending it’s ok, when it was far from ok, we actually live in unforgiveness.

Another common thing we hear is, “I can’t forgive them, I’m still angry about it.” Good! Actually, being angry about the evil done to you is a healthy part of forgiveness. Again, you can’t forgive what you don’t acknowledge as a wrong. If something heinous was done to you, you should be angry about it. Forgiveness is not an emotion, but an act of the will. You can be angry and still forgiving at the same time.

And yes, you can set healthy boundaries so you’re not wounded by the same person again. In a relationship, we are trusting the other person to protect our heart. If they refuse to protect our heart, and instead betray and abuse our heart, we can set boundaries to protect our heart. Boundaries are a pullback from intimacy. Sometimes they can be temporary, sometimes permanent. It depends if the other person is willing to do their work in the relationship.

So what is forgiveness?

Forgiveness IS…

  • … an act of the will.
  • … a decision.
  • … a process.
  • … releasing what we hold against the other person.
  • … canceling the bill they owe us.
  • … coming to the place where the person is not the evil they did to us.

This is tough stuff. We need help. While the widow’s friends would understand her needing more alone time than usual, they’d rightfully worry if she pulled away from them completely. Find a trusted friend, pastor, spouse—someone to walk through it with you. And a word of wisdom, if you’re working through forgiveness around marriage or relationship issues, find someone of your same sex. Don’t set yourself up for an affair. That won’t help.

We know we’ve finished forgiveness when we can truly pray blessing over the other person without inwardly cringing. Releasing them from what they owe us and praying blessing over them is the beginning of a new life and freedom for us. We actually release ourselves from the prison we made for them.

How about you? Do you have a story of forgiveness, either forgiving or being forgiven? Are you struggling through this right now? We’d love to hear from you and walk alongside you through this journey. Please leave a comment or shoot us an email on the Contact Us page. And please share if this would bless someone else.

How to Be a Resident in Christianity, Not a Realtor

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Do we present Jesus and the “house” of Christianity to people as realtors, or as residents? (DISCLAIMER: I am in no way dissing realtors. I know a lot of great realtors who negotiate win-wins for both the buyers and the sellers. Most realtors are very ethical, and I am in no way disparaging them or their profession. We need them, and a good one is worth their weight in gold.) But there’s a spiritual principle here I challenge you to think about.

The realtor knows the features of the house. The realtor knows the selling points. Contrary to conventional wisdom, the realtor, even a buyer-broker, does not work for either the buyer or the seller. They work for the sale. Nothing wrong with that; that’s their job. They are trying to make the sale; that’s when they get paid.

But the resident knows what it’s like to live in the house, the pros and the cons. They know, based on the sun and the season, what’s the best time on the porch. They know if the house is drafty or not. They know which toilet handle sticks and how many times to wiggle it. They know where all the bodies are buried. They know the skeletons in the closet.

Typically, the realtor won’t say anything about the house to interfere with the sale. But the resident can tell you what it’s really like to live there.

How do we present Christianity to non-believers? Like a realtor trying to make a sale? Or like a resident who knows what’s really required to live there?

Do we present Jesus like a happy pill? Here, just pop a couple Bible verses each morning and life will be happy all the time! Have we reduced the Gospel to cold medicine?

Or do we present Jesus as a Lord we devote our life to? Following Jesus costs us everything, but it’s worth it. This isn’t to get all legalistic and performance-oriented.

But seriously, do we hide the “down-sides” to manipulate the sale? Are we afraid of their negative decision? When it’s someone we love, we’re trying to save them from the eternal consequences of a negative decision, so, yeah, it’s easy to get scared. It’s easy to slip into sales mode to manipulate the sale instead of honoring their right to choose.

“Life is pain. Anyone who says differently is selling something.” – from the movie Princess Bride

How did Jesus present himself?

On the one hand, Jesus said:

“If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.” – Luke 9:23

“Denying yourself” is hardly a selling point in today’s hedonistic culture.

But, on the other hand, Jesus also said:

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” – Matthew 11:28-30

I think there’s a balance here, and we need to present the truth of both sides, the complete picture. Jesus is both Savior and Lord. You can’t have one without the other.

So how do we do this? How do we present Jesus and Christianity as a resident making an invitation versus a realtor trying to make a sale? Here are 3 ways.

1) Live in the House

The big difference between a resident and a realtor is that the resident lives there. Another word for “lives there” is “abide.” John 15 is all about how to abide with Jesus. Here’s a small excerpt, but I encourage you to go and read the whole chapter.

“As the Father has loved me, so I have loved you. Now abide in my love. If you keep my commands, you abide in my love, just I have kept my Father’s commands and abide in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete.” – John 15:9-11

Do you see both the “Savior” and “Lord” pieces? “Savior” in that our joy is complete. And “Lord” in that we keep his commands. Doing life with Jesus, abiding with him, means both (1) keeping his commands out of love for him, not fear or compulsion, and (2) experiencing his internal joy regardless of external circumstances.

You can’t have one without the other. You can’t have “Savior” without “Lord.” If we’re going to present Christianity as a resident, we need to live in the house.

2) Embrace the Suffering

In the next chapter, John 16, Jesus gives a promise we don’t talk about too much, but we should.

“In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” – John 16:33b

When you’re a home-owner, you have to embrace the good with the bad. Jesus has warned us, even promised us, that this world will be trouble-filled for us. So let’s not present the Gospel like a happy pill. Often, suffering increases when someone comes to Christ. The sick people in our life don’t like it when we get healthy.

Our own sinful behaviors are like banging our head on a brick wall. We need to be willing to stop, instead of just trying to find a football helmet with more padding.

As the church, we need to speak up about the culture’s self-destructive behaviors that destroy those who practice them; for example, sex outside marriage, abortion, transgenderism, etc.

The church has been bullied into silence for far too long.

3) Use the House Keys

Not even the realtor has keys to the house. They have to get a key out of the lockbox. But the resident owns the keys.

God knows the end from the beginning. So fortunately for us, he’s already told us, in advance, the keys that work. Here are the two keys:

They [Christians in the end-times] triumphed over him [the enemy] by the blood of the Lamb and the word of their testimony. – Revelation 12:11

This is how to present Jesus. There are two parts and we need to use both.

  1. The word of our testimony, what Jesus has done for us in our lives. They can argue with our beliefs but they can’t argue with our experience.
  2. The authority of Jesus’ blood to bring healing into people’s lives and circumstances, physical or emotional, both are miraculous. This can look like performing a miracle, declaring victory in impossible circumstances, or just telling someone how the Holy Spirit sees them. His power confirms our experience.

Your Turn

Does this post resonate? Tell us what you think in the comments. Did you get sold Christianity by a realtor or a resident? Were there rude awakenings? Has it been harder than you were originally told? Tell us your story in the comments. And please share this post if it would bless others.

How to Not Deconstruct Your Christianity

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Over the last several years, there’s been a rash of high-profile people leaving Christianity. Worship leaders. Pastors. Famous Christian authors. Christian influencers, bloggers, leaving the faith to embrace the deceptions of this world. And a whole bunch of us “regular” people. “Deconstructing your Christianity” is now a thing.

So what’s going on? This is nothing new.

This Has Happened Before

Israel had a special relationship with God. They didn’t have monarchies like the countries around them; they had a theocracy, a government led by God through his priests.

There were issues. The sons of Samuel were corrupt and took bribes (1 Samuel 8:3). But rather than going to the Lord for how to fix this problem, the people had a better idea. They deconstructed their unique governmental relationship with God and asked for a king.

They Wanted a King, Not a Relationship

They wanted to live like the world around them. They had the trappings of relationship with God (the government), but didn’t have actual intimacy with God. So when there were problems, they threw out the whole thing.

They asked for a king, rejecting God to be like the world around them.

You can keep a king happy by just checking the boxes. Build the palace. Pay your taxes. Get the vaccine. Sounds great on paper, but in reality, there’s always one more box to check.

So How’d That Work Out?

There’s a great table of all the kings of Israel and Judah here. There were 42 kings total (counting both Israel and Judah), from Saul to Zedekiah (king at the Babylonian exile). Exactly 21 kings, 50%, died of natural causes. Of the remaining 21 kings with unnatural deaths, 13 were assassinated by their own people. In total, that’s 13 out of 42 kings assassinated by the Hebrews themselves, or 31%.

So how’d that whole “king thing” work out if the people themselves killed 1 out of 3 of their own kings? Not so good. Didn’t really solve the original problem of corruption, did it?

History Is Repeating Itself

People are doing the same thing today, rejecting God to be like the world around them. Only it won’t solve the problem.

Christianity, or at least it’s corporate manifestation on Earth, the Church, has issues. So unhappy, burned out Christians look at the world and want that. Deconstructing their Christianity, they abandon the faith they once served.

And that’s the problem. They served the faith, the Church, or whatever they thought Christianity was. Not Jesus.

I know that’s harsh, but it’s Biblical. John agrees with me. Talking about those who have left the faith, John says:

“They went out from us, but they did not really belong to us. For if they had belonged to us, they would have remained with us; but their going showed that none of them belonged to us.” (1 John 2:19)

They had the trappings of Christianity, but they never had Jesus.

How could anyone, who knows the Jesus I know, ever leave him? But then again, Satan did. It boggles my mind.

Maybe, in a not-so-obvious way, it’s actually the Holy Spirit moving in their lives. Maybe all the false performance and pride and empires and doing-all-the-things-all-the-time has to be torn down before God can show them what real Christianity is. Maybe the false foundation needs to be removed before the real foundation, relationship with Jesus, can be established.

Jesus Didn’t Come to Re-Establish God as King

That’s never been in question. Why would he waste time establishing something that already is? God the creator, the Hebrew God Almighty, the Lord Jehovah – that God – his kingship is already in place. Always has been, always will be. Any being with any spiritual insight, discernment, or visibility into the spiritual realm knows this. It’s only deceived humans who don’t.

Jesus came to re-establish something that was broken – relationship with us.

But do we want it? Or, like the Israelites, when Christianity has issues, because it’s filled with people like you and me, do we decide it’s better to live like the world?

Many have made that choice and turned from their faith. Here’s how not to.

How to Not Deconstruct Your Christianity

Jesus first. Jesus last. It’s all about Jesus. More specifically, it’s all about relationship with Jesus. Personally, actually knowing him. Spending time alone with him. Intimate time with Jesus.

Yes, if we know Jesus, we won’t live for ourselves. We’ll feed the hungry. Help the poor. Share our blessings. Speak truth in love. Stand up for righteousness. We’ll love his people and fellowship with them at church. But if we do those good things without knowing Jesus, eventually we burn out.

Relationship Is Fragile

Relationships require maintenance and a constant infusion of energy by us. Our relationship with God is no exception.

When a relationship is taken for granted, the two people drift apart because neither is exerting energy into the relationship. How many times have you heard divorced people say, “Nothing bad happened; we just drifted apart.” I’ve heard that lots.

Don’t let that happen to your relationship with Jesus. Exert energy into it. Not out of performance, or to manipulate a good life out of God. But because you actually like hanging out with the guy. No agenda – you just truly enjoy his presence. He enjoys yours.

If this feels weird – talking all familiar-like about God, like he’s a relatable person – then God is calling you into a deeper level of intimacy with him than you’ve known before. Ask God to show you that deeper level of intimacy with him. Keep asking until he does.

This post is not a commercial, but I would be remiss if I didn’t let you know we do teach this – hearing God, for real, in your life. You can learn more about our class on this subject here.

Your Turn

Does this resonate? Do you know someone who “deconstructed” their Christianity? What energy do you put into your relationship with Jesus? What energy does he? Or does he seem distant, and you don’t think a real intimate relationship with him is even possible? Tell us your thoughts in the comments. And please share this post if it would bless others.

Photo by Kari Shea on Unsplash

How to Get Kingdom Gifts

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Everything in the Kingdom of God is upside down and backwards compared to how we as humans think. The best Kingdom gifts, the ones that give us the most pleasure and the most joy, are the ones we give away.

In Matthew 7:2, Jesus says, “With the measure you use, it will be measured to you.” That means we need to give away what we want to get. For example, to save your life, you lose it (Luke 9:24). To get the place of honor, give it away (Luke 14:7-11).

Give away what you want.

Do you want to be rich? Then give money away (Malachi 3:10). Do you want mercy from God? Then show others mercy (Matthew 18:23-25).

See the principle here?

Do you want people to overlook and ignore your mistakes? Then overlook and ignore their mistakes. Do you want people to listen to you? Then listen to them. Do you want people to think you’re important? Be humble and treat them like they are important.

Even Jesus did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but emptied himself and became nothing, taking on the form of a servant (Philippians 2:6-7), for the sake of the joy set before him (Hebrews 12:2).

In the Kingdom, we write our own Christmas list. We receive what we give away.

A Christmas Challenge

Do you want to really receive peace on earth and goodwill to all this Christmas? Then let’s give it away.

I’ve seen the demeanor of cranky store clerks change when I just said something nice to them that built them up, instead of tearing them down (2 Corinthians 10:8).

Today’s Action Step: I will be mindful of my interactions with people. Especially when they are being mean and cranky, I will try to make their day. Then Jesus will make my day.

Your Turn

How about you? What are you giving away this holiday season that you want to receive back? Have you seen this principle work? Tell us in the comments or shoot us an email. And please share on Facebook (or your fav social media channel) if you think this would bless someone else.

How to Help Someone without Rescuing Them

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One of the hardest things to navigate is helping someone in a healthy way, without rescuing them in an unhealthy way. We don’t want to interfere with God’s process of sowing and reaping in their lives. (Here’s my previous post with 3 reasons why.)

Sometimes it feels like watching a train wreck in slow motion.

Compound that with, so often, people don’t want to change the lifestyle that’s causing the pain in their lives. They just want to be free from the pain.

It’s like someone banging their head on a brick wall. They want the headache to stop. But rather than being willing to stop banging their head on the brick wall, they’re looking for a helmet with more padding.

Giving Them Their Power Back

People in crisis often feel powerless. Like someone trapped on the third floor of a burning building, they want someone to pull up in a magic firetruck and rescue them from their pain.

True healthy help restores them as a powerful person who can make choices over their own life. Rather than swooping in with the magic firetruck, healthy help leads them to the fire escape and helps them navigate it.

But it’s their journey. We never take ownership away from them. Even when it’s painful to watch them move forward so slowly, and we could do it for them so much faster.

How to Help: Asking Questions not Making Statements

This is a brilliant 20-minute video by Danny Silk on how to really help someone with a problem. I highly recommend watching it.

So often it is more helpful to ask questions, rather than stating the obvious or just telling someone what to do to solve the immediate problem.

  • What’s the problem? If they don’t acknowledge there’s a problem, you’re done. If this is a family relationship, this is often a strong indication that someone has interrupted God’s process of sowing and reaping.
  • What are you going to do? At this point, often people won’t know. They feel powerless, like they can’t do anything. Their emotions are supercharged, and their rational brain is offline. But it’s important for you to ask this question. It clearly defines who owns the problem, and whose it is to solve.
  • What have you tried before? This is a great first step to help them slow down. Have you had this problem before? What have you done before that’s worked? Can you do that again? This helps them start thinking through the problem, helping their rational brain come back online.
  • Would you like some suggestions? Advice requires permission. If they don’t want your advice, don’t give it. Jesus put it somewhat graphically, “Don’t throw your pearls before swine.” (Matthew 7:6)
  • Have you tried…? Don’t say, “You should read this book.” Instead ask, “Have you read this book?” You are restoring them as a powerful person who can choose what they want to do to solve this problem.
  • What are you going to do? The most empowering question in the universe. Keep coming back to this one.

The Mastermind Process

In writer’s groups I’ve been in, we have a process called “mastermind.” It’s an absolutely genius way to help someone get unstuck. I’ve seen people who were stuck on something for months (or years!) get unstuck in 10-15 minutes. It works like this.

The person with the problem states it, and we ask clarifying questions to make sure we understand. Then comes the fun part.

For the next five minutes, group members give recommendations. The person with the problem is not allowed to talk during this. They just write all the recommendations down in a list.

Then the person with the problem chooses three things off that list they are going to do in the next 30 days. No explaining why they chose certain suggestions and not others. No judgments, no apologies, no commentary. Just choices.

People come into this process scared because they don’t know what to do. But they come out of it energized and excited. What was an overwhelming and vexing problem just a few minutes ago is now solvable. They have a list. They have a plan. They have support.

And most importantly, they have ownership. The beauty of the mastermind process is that, while it never solves anyone’s problem for them, it empowers them to solve their problem.

There are two key factors that make this process work.

(1) The person owns the problem. No one tells them, “Hey, I noticed you have a problem on your blog. Let me tell you how to fix that.” They decided it was a problem. And they decided they needed help fixing it.

(2) The person owns the solution. While the group process helps them think through possible solutions, they choose what they’re going to do and not do. No pressure to pick certain options over others. And nobody in the group gets their nose bent out of joint if the person didn’t pick their recommendation.

Your Turn

Have you been on either end of this? Did someone help guide you through a problem? Or did someone “rescue” you, leaving you to solve a bigger problem with higher stakes later in life? Tell us your story in the comments and please share if this would bless others.

Use These 3 Guidelines to Speak Up for What’s Right

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Speaking up for what’s right is important. As God’s people, if we don’t speak up for what’s right, we leave the world in a moral vacuum that our enemy is all too happy to fill with deception. Much of the societal decay in the world around us has risen to unprecedented levels because God’s people have been asleep and silent for far too long.

“Silence does not interpret itself.” – Father Pavone, Priests for Life

But it’s not enough to speak up for what’s right. We have to do it the right way. We’ve all heard about “speaking the truth in love” (Ephesians 4:15), but how do we actually do that? Here are 3 guidelines for speaking up for what’s right so we make a difference.

1) Respect

Everyone has the right to choose what they believe, even if we disagree. Everyone owns the consequences of their beliefs, whether they acknowledge it or not. We can tell someone their choices are leading to bad consequences, but we still need to respect their right to choose what they believe. God does this. God respects our choice but expects us to own the consequences (Deuteronomy 30:15-20).

So respect people’s right to disagree. Respect people’s right to be wrong, no matter how much that frustrates us. When speaking to others, whether it’s in-person or on FaceBook, do so with respect:

  • Don’t call them names.
  • Don’t insult them.
  • Don’t respond in kind.
  • Don’t copy the other person’s bad behavior.
  • Check your own spirit for self-righteousness.

The opposite of respect is offense. There is a major spirit of offense over our country right now. Some call it a political spirit. It’s obviously spiritual warfare because when we get offended, we too often go out of our minds, acting and speaking like no loving Jesus-follower should. But, in our minds, offense justifies all of our bad behavior.

No, it really doesn’t. We need to remember to whom we belong, and act like Him and not the pagans.

But Jesus made a whip and called the Pharisees a brood of vipers! Yes, he did (John 2:13-17, Matthew 12:34, Matthew 23:33). But that was a last resort. He didn’t start there. Jesus did many other things as a testimony to the Pharisees first:

  • Sending the cleansed leper to the priests to make the sacrifices Moses commanded (Matthew 8:1-4).
  • Paying his and Peter’s temple tax (Matthew 17:24-27).
  • Healing the man born blind (John 9).
  • Raising Lazarus from the dead (John 11).

I love the story of Jesus’ paying the temple tax for himself and Peter in Matthew 17:24-27. While Jesus makes it clear he doesn’t have to pay the tax, he pays it for himself and for Peter, and says in verse 27, “… so that we may not offend them…” Jesus picked his battles. So should we.

So yes, Jesus called them a brood of vipers. But he also paid the temple tax to not offend them. There is a time for every activity under heaven (Ecclesiastes 3), to offend and not to offend, and the Holy Spirit knows the difference. My counsel is to let the content of our words be the offensive thing, not the way we say them.

2) Uncompromising Truth

We’re not speaking up for what’s right if we’re not speaking the truth. My heart breaks when I think about entire Christian denominations that have compromised with the world in condoning abortion, homosexuality, and transgenderism. Janet & I pray often for God to open their eyes and send them a spirit of repentance. While sincerely wanting to love people, they are doing so much damage.

People engage in these behaviors because of pain in their lives. God wants to heal that pain. But when we compromise with the world by not calling sinful behaviors the sin that they are, we slam the door of God’s healing in people’s faces. You don’t need healing if nothing’s wrong, do you?

3) Not Being Controlled by the Fear of the Other’s Reaction

When we know we’re saying something the other person doesn’t want to hear, it’s perfectly normal to fear their reaction. There’s nothing wrong with being afraid. The problem comes when we let that fear control us. It’s amazing how much of our actions, and reactions, are actually governed by fear, although we generally don’t realize it.

Many times I’ve been screamed at by dysfunctional family members, “You said that because you knew it would upset me!” Yes, I did know it would upset them, and believe me, I fear someone being upset with me. (I die a thousand deaths before a confrontation!) But that’s not why I said it. I said it because it needed to be said. It was an issue between us that needed to be addressed. And I won’t be bullied out of addressing it any longer.

Here are two litmus tests to discover that we are being controlled by fear.

(1) Silence. When something’s wrong and we don’t speak up, we’re being controlled by fear. We’re afraid of offending the other person. Or of their anger. Or of damaging the relationship. Frankly, if the relationship is in a state where telling the truth will damage it, it needs to be “damaged,” because it’s not healthy the way it is.

Remember Father Pavone’s quote at the top of this post: “Silence does not interpret itself.” Whatever issues we are silent about, we condone.

Confrontation is a godly skill that can be learned through practice. I highly recommend the book “Keep Your Love On” by Danny Silk (Amazon affiliate link) for more on this topic.

(2) Control. When we try to control the other person’s reaction, we’re being controlled by fear. Here are some common behaviors designed to control the other person’s reaction. Do you recognize any of these?

  • Shaming them for disagreeing.
  • Bullying them into agreement.
  • Waiting to talk rather than listening.
  • Monopolizing the conversation.
  • Trying to win the argument instead of connecting to their heart.

As Jesus-followers, fear has no place in our lives. Or shouldn’t. Our entire Christian walk boils down to replacing fear-based behaviors with faith-based behaviors. Faith trusts the other person to God and does not let fear of their reaction control us.

Your Turn

So how about you? Is this helpful? How have people spoken into your life that’s made a difference? Did they follow these guidelines? Tell us your story in the comments, and please share this post to bless others.

Why to Help, Not Rescue, Someone Who’s Destroying Their Life

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One of the most painful things in life is to watch one of our loved ones destroy their lives. It doesn’t matter if it’s drugs, alcohol, promiscuous sex, porn, gambling, or workaholism. Or something worse. When we medicate the pain in our lives instead of dealing with it, it’s always destructive. And it’s hard to watch. Sometimes it feels like watching a train wreck in slow motion.

If we’re going to really help, we’ve got to understand what’s healthy help and what’s unhealthy rescue.

Sometimes People Want Unhealthy Rescue Rather Than Healthy Help

Painfully, sometimes, the person destroying their life doesn’t want help. They want rescue.

So often, people don’t want to change the lifestyle that’s causing the pain in their lives. They just want to be free from the pain. It’s human nature to avoid pain. It takes bravery and courage to face it in order to receive healing.

It’s like someone banging their head on a brick wall. They want the headache to stop. But rather than being willing to stop banging their head on the brick wall, they’re looking for a helmet with more padding.

People in crisis often feel powerless. Like someone trapped on the third floor of a burning building, they want someone to pull up in a magic firetruck and rescue them from their pain.

Now don’t get me wrong. Yes, Jesus does rescue us. But Jesus is the only rescuer, and he only does so in partnership with us. We have to be willing to stop banging our head on the wall; i.e., stopping sinful lifestyle behaviors. And we need to be willing to face the pain those behaviors are medicating so Jesus can heal that pain.

Yes, we can significantly help people. We can help them find the fire-escape they didn’t see, and we can help them navigate it. We can link them up with resources they didn’t know about. But they have to be willing to use them. They can’t keep waiting at the window for the magic firetruck to show up.

Here are 3 reasons why we shouldn’t provide an unhealthy “magic firetruck” rescue for people.

1) They Have Right to Steward Their Life as They Choose

This is the hardest one. Janet and I have a wise friend who told us something we’ve never forgotten and often remind ourselves of:

Our children have to live their own adventure.

I hate that. I want to drive their boat. I want to just jump in there, and say, “Look, I’m over twice your age, and I know these waters. Let me get you off the sandbar you’re stuck on, avoid the rocks, and get you into safer waters. Then you can drive again.”

But that’s not healthy. That dishonors their God-given stewardship over their own life. I would just be forcing them to trade their dysfunctional coping mechanisms for mine, which does them no good in the end.

2) You Can’t Control Someone Else

Yes, ultimately, God is sovereign over our lives. We are stewards of our lives, not owners. But everyone has to choose for themselves whether to voluntarily let God sit on the throne of their life. Or not. God honors their choice, even when he disagrees with it. So must we.

You cannot control another person, no matter how much you think they would benefit from it.

“The only person I can control, on a good day, is myself.” – Danny Silk

That doesn’t mean condoning their choice. If they’re doing something destructive, yes, speak up. Point it out. But do so in a spirit of genuine concern rather than condemnation.

Condemnation is our (sinful) attempt to shame someone into doing the right thing, because, if we’re honest, we’re scared. Condemnation is an act of fear on our part. It’s using the enemy’s tools, which never ends well.

3) Interfering with Sowing and Reaping Hurts Them in the Long Run

Well-meaning parents do this all the time for their children. We need to let our loved ones own the problem.

If we’re solving the consequences of their bad decisions, then we are taking ownership of the problem away from them. We are interfering with God’s process of sowing and reaping.

If they are making poor choices, to the fullest extent possible, let them deal with the consequences. Let them own the problem.

That doesn’t mean we can’t help. But help, don’t rescue. Here’s how to tell the difference:

Rescuing removes the pain. Helping does not.

If you completely remove the pain from a situation they’ve caused, you’re rescuing, not helping.

Think of it like this. They are the rookie quarterback on the football field, with 10 seconds left in the game. You’re the coach. They have one shot to execute the winning play. As a former all-star, hall-of-fame, quarterback yourself, you could go out on the field and execute the play for them.

But you don’t. As the coach, you call the play, but they have to execute it. And they can choose not to. The quarterback can call an audible at the line and change the play. Maybe as they see how the defense is lining up, they decide the play you called won’t work. It’s their choice. The quarterback can modify the play or change it all together.

And they own the results.

Let Them Own Their Problem

At the end of the day, they have to live with the consequences of their choices. True, no one is responsible for the evil done to them. But we are responsible for our response to it.

“The last of the human freedoms: to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances.” — Viktor Frankl, Holocaust Survivor in his book Man’s Search for Meaning

Letting someone own their problem, and the consequences, is painful, especially when we can alleviate their suffering in the short term. But if we interfere with God’s design of sowing of reaping, we’re actually hurting them in the long run. Yes, totally help. But don’t rescue.

Your Turn

Have you been on either side of this principle? Has a painful season of sowing and reaping taught you valuable life lessons? Have you had to let a family member go down a destructive or foolish path to learn for themselves? Or have you been that family member?

Tell us your story in the comments and please share if this would bless someone else.

2 Simple Words to Defeat the Bullies

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No one likes to be bullied. Yet in our modern, sophisticated world, our enemy’s primary method of controlling the people of God is bullying. The church has been bullied into compliance for far too long. The good news is, whether it’s a personal bully or a societal one, like an unrighteous government, there are two, simple, one syllable words that defeat a bully. “Yes” and “no.”

“Yes, I’m going to do this because God’s calling me to it, come what may.”

“No, I’m not going to do that because it’s wicked, come what may.”

A Litmus Test to Know You’re Being Bullied

These two words draw a line in the sand. Bullies hate that. Bullies try to force you into the world of “maybe.”

“Ok, maybe I can do that…”

“Ok, maybe we’ll wait a little longer before doing that…”

If a bully can force you into a “maybe” when you really want to say “yes” or “no,” they’ve won. They are controlling you. And that’s the litmus test to know that you’re being bullied: If your mouth says “maybe” while your spirit is screaming “yes” or “no,” then you are being bullied.

Stand up to them and say the “yes” or “no” your spirit longs to say, come what may. This is what bravery and courage looks like in our first world culture.

“Yes” and “No” Made the Sermon on the Mount

This concept made the Sermon on the Mount. Recorded in Matthew chapters 5, 6 , and 7, this was early in Jesus’ ministry, before strong opposition forced him to speak more and more in parables. In the Sermon on the Mount, although it still has parables for illustration, Jesus teaches about the Kingdom of God very plainly. He said this about saying “yes” and “no.”

“All you need to say is simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything beyond this comes from the evil one.” – Jesus, Matthew 5:37

Now, to be fair, Jesus was talking here about always telling the truth and not needing to take an oath to be believed. But there’s a principle here. Say “yes.” Say “no.” And stand behind your answer, come what may.

In the Fiery Furnace

We all know the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego (or Rack, Shack & Benny if you’re into Veggie Tales) and the fiery furnace in Daniel 3.

King Nebuchadnezzar set up a massive golden image, and demanded everyone worship it when the music played. Penalty for non-compliance was being burned alive in a furnace.

Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego refused and were narked on by their jealous colleagues. Being the reasonable man he was, King Nebuchadnezzar assumed it was all a misunderstanding and gave them another chance to show their compliance. I love their answer, recorded in Daniel 3:16-18.

“King Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the fiery furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand. But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.” – Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego (Daniel 3:16-18)

I love that. “Our God can save us, but even if he doesn’t, we want you to know we’re not worshiping your idol.” Translation: They said “no.”

The Bully King blew a gasket. Bullies hate a solid “yes” or “no.” It takes away all their power.

And because of their solid “no,” come what may, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, along with King Nebuchadnezzar, experienced one of the greatest saves by God recorded in the entire Bible. Their uncompromising “no” was the catalyst for the mighty move of God in their lives.

When we compromise our “yes” or our “no” because we’re afraid of the bully in front of us, we compromise God’s ability to work in our lives. What mighty move of God is not happening in your life right now because of a compromised “yes” or “no”?

Bullying Outdoor Diners

In the summer of 2020, a disturbing video came out showing a large crowd of protestors surrounding and shouting at outdoor diners at a restaurant in downtown Washington, DC. The protestors wanted the diners to make a gesture of solidarity with their cause.

All the diners complied, except two. One couple silently refused. They kept their eyes locked on each other, being each other’s anchor of strength in what must have been an ocean of fear. They didn’t say a word as the protestors got in their face, screaming at them to make the gesture.

The spiritual warfare going on became obvious when a lead protestor started shouting at them, “Why won’t you do it? Are you Christians? Is that why you won’t do it?” I thought, wow. I think that protestor realized true Christians, once they decide to stand, cannot be bullied, and it would only make the protestors look worse to continue trying. So the crowd moved on.

Governments Bullying Churches

Worshipping Jesus without government interference should be a no-brainer.

Yes, nobody wants to get coronavirus. Social distancing, not passing collection plates, individual communion elements, wearing masks in common areas are all good ideas. Covid-19 is a real thing, and we all want to be safe.

But nobody tells us we can’t gather together and worship our God, even if we have to do it in our cars or virtually. Especially while the same government allows liquor stores and abortion centers to remain open. Especially while these same governors are photographed at their social events without masks or social distancing.

There may come a time when Christian practice is outlawed for “public safety.” This has been done before.

Nero burned down Rome, blamed the Christians, and persecuted them as domestic terrorists. If the media said in-person church services were responsible for spreading a deadly virus, whether it was true or not, would many communities have mobs burning down churches “for the public safety”?

We could be closer to that nightmare scenario than many of us realize. In that event, are we prepared to still tell the government, “yes,” we will continue to worship our God? If that time comes, we’ll have a lot to learn from our brothers and sisters in China.

Your Turn

How have you stood up to bullies? Did it involve saying “yes” or “no” and sticking with it? Tell us your story in the comments, and please share this post to encourage others.