2 Opposite Signals of Danger and What to Do

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The most obvious signal of danger is fear. I wrote about the 3 types of fear here. A lot of fear is unhealthy and keeps us bound up by the enemy. But there is a good type of fear.

Fear Means “Move Back”

When the threat is real, healthy fear is a God-given emotion that warns us of danger. God designed a special part of our brains, called the amygdala, for this very reason. Among other emotional responses, our amygdala triggers our fear response to danger.

A hot stove. Fire. Deep water. A rattlesnake. Legitimate danger causes fear which backs us away from the danger. It’s a pre-programmed response from God to keep us safe. There are legitimate things, and unfortunately people, to be afraid of and avoid. This is actually godly wisdom.

“The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and pay the penalty.”
Proverbs 22:3 and 27:12

Whenever God’s book of wisdom, Proverbs, says something twice, I pay attention. It’s godly wisdom to move back from a legitimate danger.

So, practically speaking, what are some dangers we should move back from?

Self-destructive and sinful behavior, obviously. Drugs. Sex outside of marriage. Driving 100 mph. Alcoholism.

Sometimes just declaring a boundary for yourself, I call them personal life-rules, is a great way of moving back. For example, alcoholism runs in my family. Janet and I enjoy a glass of wine with dinner, or I’ll have a beer after working outside on a hot, sunny day. But I have a personal life-rule that I never drink when I’m sad. I don’t even go there. And that decision keeps me safe from falling into alcoholism, which I recognize as a generational vulnerability.

Ok, what else? Irresponsible behavior. If you have a job, the thought of not showing up for work for a week and not telling anyone probably brings up fear. That would be a dumb thing to do. You might not have a job when you again decide to grace them with your presence.

And truly dangerous stuff. Like driving 50 mph on ice. Slowing down is a great way to move back from the danger.

Ok then, if fear means “move back,” should God’s people always be on the run? This world is really scary. Should we be constantly running and hiding from crisis to crisis, hopeless victims in desperate search of safety?

No, of course not. That’s why God gave us anger.

Anger Means “Move Forward”

Healthy anger is also a God-given emotion that signals danger. But, unlike fear, the godly response to anger is to move forward, toward the danger.

How dare that rattlesnake come into my yard and threaten my family! Give me that hoe!

Anger moves us forward. It drives us to address the source, to deal with the issue. God made anger to be such a powerful emotion so that, in the right circumstances, it can override our fear and move us forward. Godly anger drives us forward to bring the Kingdom of God solution into a situation that desperately needs it.

Anger is a godly response to an injustice.

Anger goes wrong when we either (1) misjudge what’s really an injustice, or (2) have an ungodly response.

So what should we be angry about? Whatever God has given us the resources, ability, and calling to change for the better. (Often, the resources and ability come after we step out in our calling.)

Social justice issues, obviously. Godly, Kingdom-of-God solutions come from the church. They emphasize godly principles like personal responsibility balanced with grace and helpful, loving community. (Aside: Beware of politicians who just whip up your anger only to get your vote over issues they have no intention of solving; that would take away their power base. Some politicians in political parties in America do this.)

Protecting the innocent within our power to protect and rescue. Harm in our family, and to our family. Abuse.

Godly anger moves us forward to do something and get involved. We can’t just let it ride.

Fear and Anger Can Work Together

Often, fear and anger can work together. This is God’s design. It doesn’t have to be an either/or. In the Kingdom, it’s a both/and.

When something scary happens, our fear initially moves us back, out of harm’s way. But then, when we’ve had a moment to think and get over the initial shock, our anger moves us forward to deal with the problem.

Your Turn

Does this resonate? When has fear moved you back and anger driven you forward? Tell us your story in the comments. And please share this post if it will bless others.

FYI, I learned this concept from Emily P. Freeman on her podcast, “The Next Right Thing.” It is an excellent, practical view of life from a Christian perspective. She usually has short episodes (<15 minutes). I highly recommend it.

How to Guard What God’s Entrusted to You

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Looking back at history, we can see amazing things God was doing that nobody recognized at the time. Learning this skill helps us see what God is doing in us today that other people, often friends and family, don’t recognize.

While Europe was in the chaos of the Dark Ages, God used Saint Patrick to preserve the Gospel by sending it off-coast, to the isle of Ireland. Europe’s subsequent focus on education during the Enlightenment was birthed from the Gospel in Ireland.

There’s a powerful movie documenting this, St. Patrick: The Irish Legend (not an affiliate link), starring Patrick Bergin (in the title role) and Malcolm McDowell. I highly recommend it. We watch it every year around St. Patrick’s Day.

The point for us is, God called Patrick to guard something he entrusted to him. In this case, it was something rather large – Christendom itself.

But your calling is no less significant. What calling has God entrusted to you?

Patrick’s calling was way bigger than he was. Had he known the scope of his calling at the beginning, he’d probably have never stepped into it from fear and overwhelm. These are the same things that keep us from stepping into our calling.

St. Patrick’s Solution to Fear and Overwhelm Works for Us

What worked for Patrick will work for us. He put on a “breastplate” each morning, a prayer called St Patrick’s Breastplate. Here’s the part I like the most. You may have heard it before.

Christ be with me, Christ before me,
Christ behind me, Christ deep within me,
Christ below me, Christ above me,
Christ at my right hand, Christ at my left hand,
Christ as I lie down, Christ as I arise, Christ as I stand,
Christ in the heart of everyone who thinks of me,
Christ in the mouth of everyone who speaks of me,
Christ in every eye that sees me,
Christ in every ear that hears me.

It’s not about chanting magic words. It’s about intentionally adopting the attitude reflected in those words.

Are we intentionally looking for Jesus everywhere around us? How would our day-to-day life change if we did? In difficult circumstances, one of the most effective prayers is, “Jesus, where are you in this?” Patrick was acknowledging, every morning, that in every situation he would face that day, God was in there somewhere. And Patrick stepped into the day intentionally looking for him.

This prayer also reflects a conscious realization of Jesus’ point in the parable of the sheep and the goats (Matthew 25:31-46): “Whatever you did (or didn’t do) to the least of these, you did (or didn’t do) to me.”

Patrick had an awareness that every eye that saw him and every ear that heard him was judging Jesus by what they saw and heard. He used that awareness to steward his actions and his words well. Would our actions and words change if we realized, in difficult circumstances, that people will judge Jesus by what we are about to do and say?

Back to the Fear and Overwhelm…

Patrick, one guy in a monk robe, had no power to preserve Christendom on a pagan island. God calls us to things bigger than us. Hence the natural fear and overwhelm we feel. It’s the enemy’s most common weapon to back us down from our calling.

But when Patrick came ashore answering God’s call on his life to Ireland, he claimed it. He boldly struck the beach with his staff and claimed the island for God. And every snake on the island slithered past him and his team into the sea, symbolic of God removing all demonic roadblocks and evil forces that would oppose him.

What ground are we claiming? What would it look like to take a step toward that passion in your heart you’re afraid to step into? Often our problem is not being unaware of our calling. It’s not boldly stepping up on the beach and claiming that ground as God’s calling on our life.

Your Turn

Does this resonate? What is your calling? What’s your first step (or next step) you’re taking to walk in it? Tell us your story in the comments. And please share this post if it will bless others.

Will the Real Jesus Please Stand Up?

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As our regular readers know, this blog is all about our true identity in Jesus—the identity God created us to become. But let’s take one giant step backward. How can we understand who we really are in God if we’re confused about who God really is?

In order to understand who we really are, we have to understand who God really is. Sometimes the best way to understand someone is to understand who they’re not. So here’s 10 popular wrong pictures of God, broken down into 3 categories. Do you (or did you) identify with any of these?

False Pictures of an Irrelevant God

The first few false pictures of God let us think God is irrelevant for our lives today. The true motivation for them really goes all the way back to the Garden of Eden. We want to decide what’s right and what’s wrong, without some God hanging around having opinions about our behavior. We are still choosing the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil over the Tree of Life.

1) A Myth. So much of our culture believes this, and our children are taught this under the guise of “science.” The truth is, evolution is a myth. Evolution is really bad science. There have been whole books written on this subject, and I don’t have space to go into it here. But evolution violates physics, geology, biology, engineering, statistics – just to name a few sciences that, contrary to what we’ve all been taught, actually contradict evolution. It really takes a lot more faith to believe in evolution than it does to believe in God. We did not make ourselves.

2) The Absent Creator. He wound up the world like a top, and now he’s just letting it spin down and couldn’t care less. If I have to admit there must be a God because evolution is such a house-of-cards, at least he doesn’t care about me. I can still be god over my own life. But God created my life and my body. They are ours to steward, not to own. God cares about every aspect of your life. Not as a control freak, but as someone who is rooting for you because he loves you.

3) My Kindly Grandfather. My kind-hearted, but naïve, old grandfather, sitting in his rocking chair on the porch reading his Bible. He’s really nice, but he really doesn’t get life today. The truth is, God gets life today more than we do. And he has the answers. We are so easily deceived by the spirit of the age into thinking truth somehow changed. And in patting ourselves on the back for being so smart, we take our answers, our worldview, and our morality from the media. See Romans 1:22 and 1 Corinthians 1:27-29.

Download the List of
10 False Views of God
on One Page Here.

False Pictures of a God of Performance

These next false pictures of God are all too common. Though we may not realize it on the surface, deep down many of us believe we have to perform, to “straighten up and fly right,” to earn God’s approval, love, and blessing. Often these can be really hard to address because the things we’re doing look so good. They’re good things, but the motivation is to earn love, instead of coming from a place of being loved.

4) Zeus. An angry God, he’s ready to throw lightning bolts as soon as I step out-of-line. In fact, he can’t wait. Sometimes he hurls them just for fun. People blame God for the pain in their lives. They don’t realize he’s crying with them, right there in the middle of it.

People don’t understand God’s judgements come from love, not disappointment or hatred, like a loving parent disciplines a disobedient child. Actually, the opposite of love isn’t hatred—it’s indifference. God has opinions about our behavior because he loves us and wants what’s best for us. He hates our self-destructive behavior the same way the parent of an addict hates the drugs that are destroying their child.

5) A Demanding Parent. No matter how hard I try, I’m never good enough. When God thinks of me, he frowns his disappointment. I have to earn God’s love. He could bless me, but he doesn’t want to. If I can just be good enough, maybe I’ll earn a crumb.

This false picture of God often leads to a scarcity mindset. And it’s so not true. When God thinks of you, he smiles. He rubs his hands together with anticipation and excitement of who he’s created you to be, the same way parents put Christmas presents under the tree before their children wake up on Christmas morning.

6) Santa Claus. He brings me presents if I’m good. He’s making a list. He’s checking it twice. He’s going to find out who’s naughty or nice. Santa-Claus-god doesn’t care about me, just what I do. But that’s so not true. God cares about the real you inside. We are not what we do.

7) Commander-in-Chief. God’s my general and my chain-of-command. I follow the rules to the letter. With. No. Emotional. Attachment. The problem is, God wants an emotional attachment, so desperately that he does reckless things like dying on a cross.

The play/movie Les Misérables is a poignant example of this legalist, false picture of God. The police captain Javert is all about the rules. All his life, he never broke a rule. Rulebreakers will always be rulebreakers and they need the rule enforcers to keep them in line and give them what’s coming to them. The problem is, the convict Jean Valjean is a rulebreaker but spreads mercy and goodness everywhere he goes. That’s not supposed to happen! People can’t really change! But Javert is forced to recognize Jean Valjean’s goodness is better than his own legalism when Jean Valjean spares his life. The story is an amazing contrast between the Kingdom of Religion and the Kingdom of God. Sadly, Javert couldn’t live in a world where mercy triumphs over judgement. (James 2:13)

False Pictures of a God of Entitlement

These false pictures of God are pervasive in our first-world culture where we have more than we could ever want.

8) My ATM. Just like an ATM, I go to him when I need something, and forget about him the rest of the time. After all, isn’t God there, and the church also, to meet my needs? Boy, do we have a surprise coming. That’s totally backward! We exist to meet his needs for worship and fellowship, not the other way around.

9) My Insurance Salesman. Thanks for salvation, Jesus, see you in Heaven. Got my fire insurance. As long as I keep up the premiums by going to church periodically, I’m covered. The problem here is that Jesus didn’t die on a cross to bring us into the Kingdom of God in the sweet bye-and-bye. He died to bring his Kingdom into our lives now. Right here, right now.

10) My Savior but not My Lord. Jesus forgives all my sins so I can live however I want and still go to heaven. Such a deal! He’s my Savior, I said the sinner’s prayer, once, sometime a long time ago in a galaxy far, far, away. But he really doesn’t expect me to live in holiness and purity, does he? Yes, actually he does. And his heart breaks when we harm ourselves by living like the world. We nail him to that cross all over again. Jesus is not really our Savior if he’s not also our Lord. He comes as a package deal.

All of these false pictures grieve the heart of God. He wants his children to know the real Jesus.

The True Picture of the Living God—My Lover-King

This is who Jesus died on the cross to be. This is what his resurrection made possible. My Lover-King, the essence of my universe, the number one person in my life. He’s just crazy about me, and I wish I could do more to please him. His smile makes my spirit soar, and when we’re together, he smiles all the time. We are so in love. His love crashed in and changed my life. Like Lucy with Aslan, in the picture above.

Think about that for a minute. What would it be like to live in the ecstasy of that kind of lover-close, intimate relationship with God? Lover-close with God? Crazy, huh? Do you think it might change how we live?

So what’s your picture of God? Tell us in the comments. And please share this post if it would help someone else.

Download the List of
10 False Views of God
on One Page Here.

How to Keep from Making the Same Mistakes

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Many of us are familiar with Bill Murray’s comedy movie Groundhog Day, where he keeps reliving the same day, day after day. Sometimes we live our lives like that, where we keep making the same mistake over and over again. Why do we do that?

Often, it’s because we think we’re the problem. If I can fix myself, if I can just try harder… That gives us a false sense of control. But the truth is, often, we’re not the problem at all.

Doh! Who Left the Secure Room Unlocked? Again?!?

In a previous job as a government contractor, we had a secure room in our building, a lab dedicated to a certain customer. It had its own spin-dial combination lock on the door so only people working on that program could enter.

We had several incidents where the secure room was left unlocked overnight. Typically, an early guy unlocked the room in the morning, and a late guy locked it up at night. But if, for example, the late guy had a doctor’s appointment so he was out early that day, and the early guy didn’t know it, nobody locked the room. The early guy expected the late guy to lock it but the late guy was already gone.

This is a big deal. When a secure room doesn’t get locked, you have to report the security violation to the customer. Enough security violations over a short enough time interval, and they cancel your secure room, your contract, and your business with that customer. The place could shut down and we all lose our jobs.

When this happened yet again, the office manager sent out an email about the importance of locking the secure room and how we all had to try harder and do better.

I told him that wouldn’t work. We were all conscientious professionals, and we were already trying as hard as we could. We couldn’t “try harder.”

The people weren’t the problem. We all understood the importance and what was at stake. Everyone wanted the room locked each night. It wasn’t the people that weren’t working. It was the system, the procedure, that wasn’t working. We needed to do something different.

So we laminated a colored 3” x 5” card as the “door tag,” and put it on a chain you could hang around your neck. It hung outside the door at night, signifying the room was locked. When you unlocked it in the morning, you hung the tag around your neck. That tag signified the open room was your responsibility. No one was going to accidentally go home with the 3” x 5” tag around their neck.

When you left for the day, you either had to find someone else to accept the tag (and hence responsibility for locking the room), or you locked the room and hung the tag outside the door.

So when an early guy who unlocked the room that morning was going home, he’d find a late guy to pass the tag off to. If he couldn’t find a late guy, he’d lock the room.

We never had another problem with the room being left unlocked. It was a very simple solution. But it was different. And it worked.

Trying Harder Doesn’t Work

More willpower doesn’t work. Trying harder doesn’t work. When we double down on our willpower, determined to just white-knuckle it and try harder, we’re saying, “If I just do what didn’t work hard enough, it’ll work this time.” No, it won’t. Because trying hard enough is not the problem.

“If I just do what didn’t work hard enough, it’ll work this time.”
No, it won’t.

Like in the example above with the secure room, we were already trying as hard as we could. We needed to do something different. And if you are going around the track again, you need to do something different too.

Losing a Body Part

Jesus talked about making changes and doing things differently. In the Sermon on the Mount, he put it rather graphically like this:

“If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body go into hell.” – Jesus, Matthew 5:29-30

Jesus was speaking figuratively. He didn’t really want a bunch of one-eyed disciples named “Lefty.” He’s talking about removing yourself from situations that lead to the mistakes we keep making. He was talking about doing something differently.

For example, if you’re an alcoholic, don’t go to the bar after work with the guys. If your “no” is not strong enough yet to take on the peer pressure at 5:00 PM when everyone’s leaving, then work 7:00 AM to 3:00 PM.

“But I’ve got to reach them for Jesus!” Not at the bar, if it’s causing you to stumble. It’s someone else’s job, who doesn’t struggle with alcoholism, to reach them in the bar. You get coffee before work and lunch in the cafeteria.

How to Do Something Different

Here are 3 ways you can make a positive change toward doing things differently.

(1) Design your environment to support the behavior you want. For many of us, the environment we live in fights against the behavior we’re trying to install or the goals we’re trying to achieve.

It’s hard to, for example, lose weight when there’s a half-gallon of ice cream in the fridge calling your name. It’s much easier to not eat the ice cream if it’s not there. Yes, I realize I’m over-simplifying this issue. But you get the point.

It’s much easier for me to go to the gym in the morning when I’ve set out my gym clothes the night before. Then, when I wake up and I’m groggy, my environment is reminding me of my goal and helping me achieve it.

(2) Get help. A trained outsider can really help with this. There is no shame in seeing a therapist or a counselor or a life coach. We all need help sometimes. An outsider, someone outside your regular circle, will see the dysfunction your circle takes for granted. I highly recommend counseling. And, BTW, it’s normal to go through several counselors/therapists/life coaches until you find the one that works for you.

In the weight loss example above, along with not having ice cream in the house, what about if we dig into the pain that the over-eating is medicating? Be willing to deal with the root, not just the bad fruit.

(3) Treat everything like an experiment. Try different changes to your routines. You don’t have to commit to a change forever. Put a timeframe on it. “I’m going to try this for two weeks.” And then re-evaluate. See what works. Keep what does, dump what doesn’t. Chew the meat, spit out the bones.

Often we don’t try new things because we’re afraid of the shame if we fail. That’s a self-limiting mindset that needs to be reframed. Think of it as just an experiment. There’s no shame if an experiment doesn’t work out. We learned something, and we’ll try something else.

Your Turn

Is this helpful? What are you going to try differently? What have you changed in your life by doing something different? Tell us in the comments, and please share this post if it would bless others.

How to Move from Good to Beautiful

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I recently listened to Dr Curt Thompson on the Face-to-Face podcast with Cathy Little and Melinda Wilson (the episode on 1/18/2022].

Dr. Curt Thompson said something that blew my mind. It’s a simple thing, something where you might say, “oh that’s nice,” and just move on with your day. But if you stop and think about it, this changes everything.

There’s one word in scripture that could be transliterated into a different English word. It’s the Hebrew word for “good.” Dr Thompson said “good” could also be transliterated as “beautiful.”

Oh, that’s nice. No, stop and think about it! Think about your favorite passages using the word “good” in scripture, and instead use the word “beautiful.”

When God created the world in Genesis 1, after each day of creation it says, “… and God saw that it was good.” But what if “… and God saw that it was beautiful” better captures the essence of the original language? Then, when God made people, “… and God saw that it was very good” becomes “… and God saw that it was very beautiful.” Does that change everything?

From Evaluating to Gazing

Good and bad are things we evaluate. We discern good vs bad. And we should. Not correctly discerning good vs bad is causing a lot of pain, confusion, and evil in the world right now.

But when our concept of God goes from “good” to “beautiful,” it changes everything. This takes it to a whole new level. Our hearts get involved. We stop evaluating him, and we just want to look at him. To gaze at him. To spend precious time with him. More.

As the good shepherd (John 10), I evaluate Jesus. My logic evaluates that, yes, he meets the definition of “good,” so I discern I can trust him. But although my head agrees, my heart still holds back.

But when he becomes the beautiful shepherd, now I just want to look at him. Because beauty is something my heart discerns. My heart is involved now. It’s captured. Is this the beauty I’ve been longing for and been afraid to believe existed?

“Good” is discerned with the brain, while “beautiful” is discerned with the heart.

As a good father, I evaluate God. My brain discerns that, ok, his discipline really is for my good. Intellectual ascent. Boxed checked, let’s get on with my day.

But as a beautiful father, my heart pauses. I just want to sit in his lap for one more timeless moment. Daddy, read me a story…

And I weep. All my pain comes out as I press into his chest, held safely by him like a hen gathers her chicks under her wing (Luke 13:34). Because he’s reading me the story of me. How he sees me. Who he created me to be. Who I really am.

The Lost Art of Gazing

In our modern world, we’ve forgotten how to stop and gaze. And we’re the poorer for it. I’ve got a schedule to keep! And that’s all good. It’s productive. But it’s not beautiful. Stopping to gaze at beauty is beautiful.

“Stop and smell the roses” became “stop and smell the coffee.” That’s a great joke that I’ve used and enjoyed many times myself and there’s nothing wrong with it. But as I’m writing this, I wonder. Is there a subtle shift there? With roses, you actually have to stop to smell them. But coffee you can take with you, no stopping required. So we’ve missed the whole point then haven’t we? The point was never in the smelling, but in the stopping.

We can only gaze at beauty when we stop.

Stop and Gaze

If you’re married, have you stopped to gaze at your spouse lately? Try this exercise. Sit on the couch together. Set a timer for three minutes. No words. Just gaze lovingly at each other. Whatever that means.

Don’t stare – you can blink. You can look away. But gaze. Dr. Thompson says it’s really awkward for the first 90 seconds or so. But when the timer goes off, many couples don’t want to stop. How would our marriages change if we just took three minutes a day to gaze at each other?

How about Jesus? Do we stop and gaze at him? Are we willing to make the jump from “good” to “beautiful” and engage our hearts?

Bible studies are great; we should all do more. But how would our lives changed if stopped to just gaze at him with no agenda for a few precious minutes each day?

Your Turn

What do you think? Tell us in the comments. And please share this post if it would bless others.

A Christian’s Super Power: Forgiveness

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There’s one quality of Christianity, a central feature actually, that other world religions just don’t have. And the world lacks completely. In fact, being able to do this one thing separates Christians from the rest of the world. That thing is Forgiveness.

Being raised in a (mostly) Christian culture, at least one founded on Christian principles, in the West we all know unforgiveness is bad. We all know we’re supposed to forgive people. Forgiveness is the true triumph of love over evil.

Still, the enemy can trick us into unforgiveness so easily because we really don’t know what forgiveness is. So what really is forgiveness anyway? Sometimes it’s easier to understand what something is by understanding what it’s not. Here’s some things forgiveness is not that people often mistake for forgiveness.

Forgiveness is NOT…

  • … pretending nothing happened.
  • … covering for the other person.
  • … trusting someone who should not be trusted.
  • … giving a perpetrator access so they can do it again.
  • … not having healthy boundaries.
  • … letting a criminal go free.
  • … avoiding conflict.
  • … pretending to agree with the other person when you really don’t.
  • … feeling happy about something bad that happened.
  • … an emotion or a feeling at all.

We often hear, “I can’t forgive that person, they’ll do it again.” Our unforgiveness is not the thing preventing them from doing it again. That’s on them. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you can’t have healthy boundaries. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to place yourself at risk with an unhealthy person.

Most people are familiar with the 5 stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Depression, Bargaining, and Acceptance. The stages of forgiveness are basically the same, because the evil done to you often represents a loss to your person. You need to fully grieve the loss to fully forgive the other person.

Just like grieving, forgiveness is a process. No one walks up to a widow after her husband’s funeral and says, “Well, that was a great service. I’m so glad for you that you’re done with grieving now.” Pretty much anyone within earshot would smack that person! Because we understand that grieving is a process, not an event. We all get that her grieving process is just beginning, and we’d all expect it to take at least a year, if not longer. We’d all expect her to bounce between days like these:

  • “I can’t believe he’s really gone.”
  • “I’m angry that he’s gone. It’s not fair.”
  • “I’m sad that he’s gone. I miss him so much my heart is breaking.”
  • “Today was a good day.”

Her friends aren’t concerned if she has an angry day or a depressed week, or if they see her in any of the other stages of grief. They get concerned if she gets stuck in one of the stages for months or years on end. Going through the stages is not a problem. Getting stuck in one of them is.

Forgiveness is the same way. “I said a prayer of forgiveness for that person who abused me. I’m glad that’s over and done with.” No, it doesn’t work that way. Forgiveness is a process, not an event. Going through the stages is not a problem. Getting stuck in one of them is.

We see people stuck in denial all the time. You can tell, because they minimize the sin against them, and make excuses for the other person. “It wasn’t so bad” or “they didn’t mean it” or “they were going through a really hard time.” I’m not talking about things people do accidently. I’m talking about the big stuff. I’m talking about when, yes, it was that bad, and yes, they did mean it.

Covering for the other person is not forgiveness. Lying about how bad it was is not forgiveness. It’s actually dishonoring to the other person to lie about their behavior. You’re keeping them from the help they might otherwise receive. Although it can appear to be honoring, lies never bring honor, because they allow evil to continue unchecked in the other person. And that’s not love.

Minimizing the other person’s sin against you is actually unforgiveness. It’s pretending the wrong wasn’t wrong, and so it keeps you from forgiving them. If “it wasn’t so bad” then there’s nothing to forgive, is there? By pretending it’s ok, when it was far from ok, we actually live in unforgiveness.

Another common thing we hear is, “I can’t forgive them, I’m still angry about it.” Good! Actually, being angry about the evil done to you is a healthy part of forgiveness. Again, you can’t forgive what you don’t acknowledge as a wrong. If something heinous was done to you, you should be angry about it. Forgiveness is not an emotion, but an act of the will. You can be angry and still forgiving at the same time.

And yes, you can set healthy boundaries so you’re not wounded by the same person again. In a relationship, we are trusting the other person to protect our heart. If they refuse to protect our heart, and instead betray and abuse our heart, we can set boundaries to protect our heart. Boundaries are a pullback from intimacy. Sometimes they can be temporary, sometimes permanent. It depends if the other person is willing to do their work in the relationship.

So what is forgiveness?

Forgiveness IS…

  • … an act of the will.
  • … a decision.
  • … a process.
  • … releasing what we hold against the other person.
  • … canceling the bill they owe us.
  • … coming to the place where the person is not the evil they did to us.

This is tough stuff. We need help. While the widow’s friends would understand her needing more alone time than usual, they’d rightfully worry if she pulled away from them completely. Find a trusted friend, pastor, spouse—someone to walk through it with you. And a word of wisdom, if you’re working through forgiveness around marriage or relationship issues, find someone of your same sex. Don’t set yourself up for an affair. That won’t help.

We know we’ve finished forgiveness when we can truly pray blessing over the other person without inwardly cringing. Releasing them from what they owe us and praying blessing over them is the beginning of a new life and freedom for us. We actually release ourselves from the prison we made for them.

How about you? Do you have a story of forgiveness, either forgiving or being forgiven? Are you struggling through this right now? We’d love to hear from you and walk alongside you through this journey. Please leave a comment or shoot us an email on the Contact Us page. And please share if this would bless someone else.

How to Be a Resident in Christianity, Not a Realtor

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Do we present Jesus and the “house” of Christianity to people as realtors, or as residents? (DISCLAIMER: I am in no way dissing realtors. I know a lot of great realtors who negotiate win-wins for both the buyers and the sellers. Most realtors are very ethical, and I am in no way disparaging them or their profession. We need them, and a good one is worth their weight in gold.) But there’s a spiritual principle here I challenge you to think about.

The realtor knows the features of the house. The realtor knows the selling points. Contrary to conventional wisdom, the realtor, even a buyer-broker, does not work for either the buyer or the seller. They work for the sale. Nothing wrong with that; that’s their job. They are trying to make the sale; that’s when they get paid.

But the resident knows what it’s like to live in the house, the pros and the cons. They know, based on the sun and the season, what’s the best time on the porch. They know if the house is drafty or not. They know which toilet handle sticks and how many times to wiggle it. They know where all the bodies are buried. They know the skeletons in the closet.

Typically, the realtor won’t say anything about the house to interfere with the sale. But the resident can tell you what it’s really like to live there.

How do we present Christianity to non-believers? Like a realtor trying to make a sale? Or like a resident who knows what’s really required to live there?

Do we present Jesus like a happy pill? Here, just pop a couple Bible verses each morning and life will be happy all the time! Have we reduced the Gospel to cold medicine?

Or do we present Jesus as a Lord we devote our life to? Following Jesus costs us everything, but it’s worth it. This isn’t to get all legalistic and performance-oriented.

But seriously, do we hide the “down-sides” to manipulate the sale? Are we afraid of their negative decision? When it’s someone we love, we’re trying to save them from the eternal consequences of a negative decision, so, yeah, it’s easy to get scared. It’s easy to slip into sales mode to manipulate the sale instead of honoring their right to choose.

“Life is pain. Anyone who says differently is selling something.” – from the movie Princess Bride

How did Jesus present himself?

On the one hand, Jesus said:

“If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.” – Luke 9:23

“Denying yourself” is hardly a selling point in today’s hedonistic culture.

But, on the other hand, Jesus also said:

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” – Matthew 11:28-30

I think there’s a balance here, and we need to present the truth of both sides, the complete picture. Jesus is both Savior and Lord. You can’t have one without the other.

So how do we do this? How do we present Jesus and Christianity as a resident making an invitation versus a realtor trying to make a sale? Here are 3 ways.

1) Live in the House

The big difference between a resident and a realtor is that the resident lives there. Another word for “lives there” is “abide.” John 15 is all about how to abide with Jesus. Here’s a small excerpt, but I encourage you to go and read the whole chapter.

“As the Father has loved me, so I have loved you. Now abide in my love. If you keep my commands, you abide in my love, just I have kept my Father’s commands and abide in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete.” – John 15:9-11

Do you see both the “Savior” and “Lord” pieces? “Savior” in that our joy is complete. And “Lord” in that we keep his commands. Doing life with Jesus, abiding with him, means both (1) keeping his commands out of love for him, not fear or compulsion, and (2) experiencing his internal joy regardless of external circumstances.

You can’t have one without the other. You can’t have “Savior” without “Lord.” If we’re going to present Christianity as a resident, we need to live in the house.

2) Embrace the Suffering

In the next chapter, John 16, Jesus gives a promise we don’t talk about too much, but we should.

“In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” – John 16:33b

When you’re a home-owner, you have to embrace the good with the bad. Jesus has warned us, even promised us, that this world will be trouble-filled for us. So let’s not present the Gospel like a happy pill. Often, suffering increases when someone comes to Christ. The sick people in our life don’t like it when we get healthy.

Our own sinful behaviors are like banging our head on a brick wall. We need to be willing to stop, instead of just trying to find a football helmet with more padding.

As the church, we need to speak up about the culture’s self-destructive behaviors that destroy those who practice them; for example, sex outside marriage, abortion, transgenderism, etc.

The church has been bullied into silence for far too long.

3) Use the House Keys

Not even the realtor has keys to the house. They have to get a key out of the lockbox. But the resident owns the keys.

God knows the end from the beginning. So fortunately for us, he’s already told us, in advance, the keys that work. Here are the two keys:

They [Christians in the end-times] triumphed over him [the enemy] by the blood of the Lamb and the word of their testimony. – Revelation 12:11

This is how to present Jesus. There are two parts and we need to use both.

  1. The word of our testimony, what Jesus has done for us in our lives. They can argue with our beliefs but they can’t argue with our experience.
  2. The authority of Jesus’ blood to bring healing into people’s lives and circumstances, physical or emotional, both are miraculous. This can look like performing a miracle, declaring victory in impossible circumstances, or just telling someone how the Holy Spirit sees them. His power confirms our experience.

Your Turn

Does this post resonate? Tell us what you think in the comments. Did you get sold Christianity by a realtor or a resident? Were there rude awakenings? Has it been harder than you were originally told? Tell us your story in the comments. And please share this post if it would bless others.

How to Not Deconstruct Your Christianity

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Over the last several years, there’s been a rash of high-profile people leaving Christianity. Worship leaders. Pastors. Famous Christian authors. Christian influencers, bloggers, leaving the faith to embrace the deceptions of this world. And a whole bunch of us “regular” people. “Deconstructing your Christianity” is now a thing.

So what’s going on? This is nothing new.

This Has Happened Before

Israel had a special relationship with God. They didn’t have monarchies like the countries around them; they had a theocracy, a government led by God through his priests.

There were issues. The sons of Samuel were corrupt and took bribes (1 Samuel 8:3). But rather than going to the Lord for how to fix this problem, the people had a better idea. They deconstructed their unique governmental relationship with God and asked for a king.

They Wanted a King, Not a Relationship

They wanted to live like the world around them. They had the trappings of relationship with God (the government), but didn’t have actual intimacy with God. So when there were problems, they threw out the whole thing.

They asked for a king, rejecting God to be like the world around them.

You can keep a king happy by just checking the boxes. Build the palace. Pay your taxes. Get the vaccine. Sounds great on paper, but in reality, there’s always one more box to check.

So How’d That Work Out?

There’s a great table of all the kings of Israel and Judah here. There were 42 kings total (counting both Israel and Judah), from Saul to Zedekiah (king at the Babylonian exile). Exactly 21 kings, 50%, died of natural causes. Of the remaining 21 kings with unnatural deaths, 13 were assassinated by their own people. In total, that’s 13 out of 42 kings assassinated by the Hebrews themselves, or 31%.

So how’d that whole “king thing” work out if the people themselves killed 1 out of 3 of their own kings? Not so good. Didn’t really solve the original problem of corruption, did it?

History Is Repeating Itself

People are doing the same thing today, rejecting God to be like the world around them. Only it won’t solve the problem.

Christianity, or at least it’s corporate manifestation on Earth, the Church, has issues. So unhappy, burned out Christians look at the world and want that. Deconstructing their Christianity, they abandon the faith they once served.

And that’s the problem. They served the faith, the Church, or whatever they thought Christianity was. Not Jesus.

I know that’s harsh, but it’s Biblical. John agrees with me. Talking about those who have left the faith, John says:

“They went out from us, but they did not really belong to us. For if they had belonged to us, they would have remained with us; but their going showed that none of them belonged to us.” (1 John 2:19)

They had the trappings of Christianity, but they never had Jesus.

How could anyone, who knows the Jesus I know, ever leave him? But then again, Satan did. It boggles my mind.

Maybe, in a not-so-obvious way, it’s actually the Holy Spirit moving in their lives. Maybe all the false performance and pride and empires and doing-all-the-things-all-the-time has to be torn down before God can show them what real Christianity is. Maybe the false foundation needs to be removed before the real foundation, relationship with Jesus, can be established.

Jesus Didn’t Come to Re-Establish God as King

That’s never been in question. Why would he waste time establishing something that already is? God the creator, the Hebrew God Almighty, the Lord Jehovah – that God – his kingship is already in place. Always has been, always will be. Any being with any spiritual insight, discernment, or visibility into the spiritual realm knows this. It’s only deceived humans who don’t.

Jesus came to re-establish something that was broken – relationship with us.

But do we want it? Or, like the Israelites, when Christianity has issues, because it’s filled with people like you and me, do we decide it’s better to live like the world?

Many have made that choice and turned from their faith. Here’s how not to.

How to Not Deconstruct Your Christianity

Jesus first. Jesus last. It’s all about Jesus. More specifically, it’s all about relationship with Jesus. Personally, actually knowing him. Spending time alone with him. Intimate time with Jesus.

Yes, if we know Jesus, we won’t live for ourselves. We’ll feed the hungry. Help the poor. Share our blessings. Speak truth in love. Stand up for righteousness. We’ll love his people and fellowship with them at church. But if we do those good things without knowing Jesus, eventually we burn out.

Relationship Is Fragile

Relationships require maintenance and a constant infusion of energy by us. Our relationship with God is no exception.

When a relationship is taken for granted, the two people drift apart because neither is exerting energy into the relationship. How many times have you heard divorced people say, “Nothing bad happened; we just drifted apart.” I’ve heard that lots.

Don’t let that happen to your relationship with Jesus. Exert energy into it. Not out of performance, or to manipulate a good life out of God. But because you actually like hanging out with the guy. No agenda – you just truly enjoy his presence. He enjoys yours.

If this feels weird – talking all familiar-like about God, like he’s a relatable person – then God is calling you into a deeper level of intimacy with him than you’ve known before. Ask God to show you that deeper level of intimacy with him. Keep asking until he does.

This post is not a commercial, but I would be remiss if I didn’t let you know we do teach this – hearing God, for real, in your life. You can learn more about our class on this subject here.

Your Turn

Does this resonate? Do you know someone who “deconstructed” their Christianity? What energy do you put into your relationship with Jesus? What energy does he? Or does he seem distant, and you don’t think a real intimate relationship with him is even possible? Tell us your thoughts in the comments. And please share this post if it would bless others.

Photo by Kari Shea on Unsplash

How to Get Kingdom Gifts

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Everything in the Kingdom of God is upside down and backwards compared to how we as humans think. The best Kingdom gifts, the ones that give us the most pleasure and the most joy, are the ones we give away.

In Matthew 7:2, Jesus says, “With the measure you use, it will be measured to you.” That means we need to give away what we want to get. For example, to save your life, you lose it (Luke 9:24). To get the place of honor, give it away (Luke 14:7-11).

Give away what you want.

Do you want to be rich? Then give money away (Malachi 3:10). Do you want mercy from God? Then show others mercy (Matthew 18:23-25).

See the principle here?

Do you want people to overlook and ignore your mistakes? Then overlook and ignore their mistakes. Do you want people to listen to you? Then listen to them. Do you want people to think you’re important? Be humble and treat them like they are important.

Even Jesus did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but emptied himself and became nothing, taking on the form of a servant (Philippians 2:6-7), for the sake of the joy set before him (Hebrews 12:2).

In the Kingdom, we write our own Christmas list. We receive what we give away.

A Christmas Challenge

Do you want to really receive peace on earth and goodwill to all this Christmas? Then let’s give it away.

I’ve seen the demeanor of cranky store clerks change when I just said something nice to them that built them up, instead of tearing them down (2 Corinthians 10:8).

Today’s Action Step: I will be mindful of my interactions with people. Especially when they are being mean and cranky, I will try to make their day. Then Jesus will make my day.

Your Turn

How about you? What are you giving away this holiday season that you want to receive back? Have you seen this principle work? Tell us in the comments or shoot us an email. And please share on Facebook (or your fav social media channel) if you think this would bless someone else.

How to Help Someone without Rescuing Them

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One of the hardest things to navigate is helping someone in a healthy way, without rescuing them in an unhealthy way. We don’t want to interfere with God’s process of sowing and reaping in their lives. (Here’s my previous post with 3 reasons why.)

Sometimes it feels like watching a train wreck in slow motion.

Compound that with, so often, people don’t want to change the lifestyle that’s causing the pain in their lives. They just want to be free from the pain.

It’s like someone banging their head on a brick wall. They want the headache to stop. But rather than being willing to stop banging their head on the brick wall, they’re looking for a helmet with more padding.

Giving Them Their Power Back

People in crisis often feel powerless. Like someone trapped on the third floor of a burning building, they want someone to pull up in a magic firetruck and rescue them from their pain.

True healthy help restores them as a powerful person who can make choices over their own life. Rather than swooping in with the magic firetruck, healthy help leads them to the fire escape and helps them navigate it.

But it’s their journey. We never take ownership away from them. Even when it’s painful to watch them move forward so slowly, and we could do it for them so much faster.

How to Help: Asking Questions not Making Statements

This is a brilliant 20-minute video by Danny Silk on how to really help someone with a problem. I highly recommend watching it.

So often it is more helpful to ask questions, rather than stating the obvious or just telling someone what to do to solve the immediate problem.

  • What’s the problem? If they don’t acknowledge there’s a problem, you’re done. If this is a family relationship, this is often a strong indication that someone has interrupted God’s process of sowing and reaping.
  • What are you going to do? At this point, often people won’t know. They feel powerless, like they can’t do anything. Their emotions are supercharged, and their rational brain is offline. But it’s important for you to ask this question. It clearly defines who owns the problem, and whose it is to solve.
  • What have you tried before? This is a great first step to help them slow down. Have you had this problem before? What have you done before that’s worked? Can you do that again? This helps them start thinking through the problem, helping their rational brain come back online.
  • Would you like some suggestions? Advice requires permission. If they don’t want your advice, don’t give it. Jesus put it somewhat graphically, “Don’t throw your pearls before swine.” (Matthew 7:6)
  • Have you tried…? Don’t say, “You should read this book.” Instead ask, “Have you read this book?” You are restoring them as a powerful person who can choose what they want to do to solve this problem.
  • What are you going to do? The most empowering question in the universe. Keep coming back to this one.

The Mastermind Process

In writer’s groups I’ve been in, we have a process called “mastermind.” It’s an absolutely genius way to help someone get unstuck. I’ve seen people who were stuck on something for months (or years!) get unstuck in 10-15 minutes. It works like this.

The person with the problem states it, and we ask clarifying questions to make sure we understand. Then comes the fun part.

For the next five minutes, group members give recommendations. The person with the problem is not allowed to talk during this. They just write all the recommendations down in a list.

Then the person with the problem chooses three things off that list they are going to do in the next 30 days. No explaining why they chose certain suggestions and not others. No judgments, no apologies, no commentary. Just choices.

People come into this process scared because they don’t know what to do. But they come out of it energized and excited. What was an overwhelming and vexing problem just a few minutes ago is now solvable. They have a list. They have a plan. They have support.

And most importantly, they have ownership. The beauty of the mastermind process is that, while it never solves anyone’s problem for them, it empowers them to solve their problem.

There are two key factors that make this process work.

(1) The person owns the problem. No one tells them, “Hey, I noticed you have a problem on your blog. Let me tell you how to fix that.” They decided it was a problem. And they decided they needed help fixing it.

(2) The person owns the solution. While the group process helps them think through possible solutions, they choose what they’re going to do and not do. No pressure to pick certain options over others. And nobody in the group gets their nose bent out of joint if the person didn’t pick their recommendation.

Your Turn

Have you been on either end of this? Did someone help guide you through a problem? Or did someone “rescue” you, leaving you to solve a bigger problem with higher stakes later in life? Tell us your story in the comments and please share if this would bless others.