What Church Can Be

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Another quiet night’s sleep was shattered by the midnight alarm. The claxon went off in the small, New England lighthouse on the rocky Massachusetts coast. Another ship had run aground in the night fog on the rocks. The men and women in the small, dingy lighthouse jumped out of bed, pulled on their gear, and got to work rescuing the survivors. 

They couldn’t save everyone from every shipwreck that happened on their watch, but they saved many. The small under-funded, dingy building housed a team that lived the sea. It was hard, thankless work, but they loved it. They were sold out for the mission of saving lives from boats wrecked on the rocks in the fog.

One day, the people from the nearby towns who had been saved from drowning by this valiant little lighthouse decided to help. They wanted to give back. They started to donate to fix up that dingy old lighthouse. They upgraded all the equipment. They painted the building. They bought carpeting to cover the cold cement floor. And they baked all day preparing a banquet for the rescuers.

It was a beautiful meal with all the fixings. The rescuers had never experienced such gratitude. Everyone was having a wonderful time celebrating life in the newly painted and upgraded lighthouse. There was only one problem. The claxon went off.

The rescuers flew out of the meal, donned their gear and headed for the sea, much to the offense of those who spent all day cooking, and many weeks planning.

The survivors from tonight’s shipwreck dripped water and mud all over the new carpet. Worse, the rescuers had to give a couple victims CPR. As they started breathing again, as is common with drowning victims, they vomited out the sea water. All. Over. The. New. Carpet. The donors were quite upset.

Worse, the team lost a rescuer in the stormy surf that night, so everyone was in a foul mood. Some of the former survivors who’d previously been saved by that team member were very angry at the newcomers, that their shipwreck had cost the life of their hero.

But the donors were very resourceful. They came up with lots of ways to “fix” the “problem.”

  • “We need to have another room where victims can be brought if they’re messy, until they get cleaned up.”
  • “All shipwrecks need to be scheduled during a reasonable time so they don’t interfere with our planned activities.”
  • “We need safety standards so the rescuers don’t sacrifice too much. The lighthouse should be a safe place.”
  • “We need a Board of Directors so our donations aren’t wasted on just any random shipwrecks. We need to pick and choose the strategic shipwrecks.”

The rescuers couldn’t believe their ears. While they appreciated the many expressions of gratitude they’d recently received, they hadn’t realized that they came with strings attached, the strings of expectations. Expectations setup everyone for offense. And offense justifies any bad behavior, including ending relationships.

The rescuers realized the donors just didn’t understand the lighthouse’s life-saving mission. They tried to explain it, over and over. But the donors would have none of it. They’d forgotten that they were once shipwrecked themselves.

Eventually, they had a lighthouse split. The donors built a much bigger and grander lighthouse inland, away from that nasty, stormy shore. It had lights and music and amazing food and shopping and programs. Lots of comfortable programs. It was a place where you could really feel good about yourself. But no life was ever saved within its walls.

The rescuers stayed with the old dingy lighthouse on the shore, where the shipwrecks were. The new paint began to peel, and the carpet became very stained. But lives were continually dragged out of the ocean and saved there. Some went right back out in the water and drowned. Others, once saved, went to the inland lighthouse, because, well, it was just so much better funded and had better programs. But others became rescuers themselves, sharing what they’d been given. There was never a shortage of shipwrecks.

What is church supposed to be?

Is it a lighthouse with a life-saving mission to reach people who have wrecked their lives on the rocks of sin in the fog of deception? Or is it a pristine environment where everyone’s happy all the time, or at least pretends to be?

Should the sermons make me feel good about myself? Or should they challenge me and make me angry?

Is church a place where we welcome grieving people in crises? Or is it a place where we go to feel good about ourselves?

Kris Vallotton had a dream, recorded in one of Darren Wilson’s films, where people were behaving badly in church. They were doing drugs, having sex in the pews, stealing from each other, using profanity freely, beating each other up. Kris remembers yelling in the dream, “If you can’t honor God’s house, then get out!”

And then the Holy Spirit said to him, “Why would you send away the people I’ve brought in.”

Kris said, “Well, what do you want to do about all this mess?”

The Holy Spirit just said, “Teach them.”

Are we willing to allow messy people in our churches to learn to the ways of life? Are we willing to learn the ways of life ourselves? Or do we think, having now been saved, that we know it all?

What has church been for you? A life-saving lighthouse? A safe place? Or just the Sunday morning show? Tell us your story in the comments or shoot us an email. We would love to pray with you for healing from church hurt. And please share this post on social media if you think it would help someone else.

3 Mindset Traps that Sabotage Jesus’ Mission to Wounded People

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As the church, we are Jesus’ hands, feet, voice, and heart to the world. We invite wounded people into transformational intimacy with our Savior by stewarding both truth and compassion. But there are 3 mindset traps that sabotage Jesus’ mission to wounded people.

These 3 mindset traps are so insidious and sneaky we often don’t realize we’ve fallen into them. But they can sweep whole churches away from their Kingdom calling and make them completely ineffective. Worse, these Christians (and even whole churches!) don’t know they’ve been spiritually shipwrecked because their metrics (the measures of man) look so good.

So let’s go through these 3 mindset traps. And then we’ll talk about the mindset the church, and we as Christians, are called to have.

Mindset Trap #1: Empire Building

We fall into this one when we’re more concerned about building our empire than we are about building the Kingdom of God. If our goal is to have people swoon over our personal importance and status, we’ve received our reward in full from the people we’ve impressed. We have none from God. (Matthew 6:1-21)

If we’re not stewarding hearts well, our numbers don’t matter.

The thing about these mindset traps is they’re sneaky. They’re really easy to fall into because they look so good on the outside. And often, from just superficial outside appearances, you can’t tell someone building their own empire from someone walking out their calling and building the Kingdom. The actions can look the same. It’s all about the motivations.

Still, here are some example litmus tests to check our hearts to see if, and to what degree, we’ve fallen into empire building:

  • We base ministry decisions on how they will affect our numbers (giving, attendance, etc.) rather than on how they will affect the hearts we minister to.
  • We’re not willing to do it for the one.
  • The ROI (Return on Investment) is considered rather than whether God is calling us to do the thing or not.
  • We avoid making changes that will offend the biggest tithers.
  • We believe the ends justify the means, compromising our integrity or principles for “the greater good.”
  • We worry about which church gets the credit.
  • Decisions are based on protecting our power rather than what God’s calling us to do.

Jesus chose and poured into 12 guys. He had lousy numbers. But his Kingdom impact changed the world.

Mindset Trap #2: Legacy Saving

The hallmark of legacy saving is when we prioritize preserving the church experience we grew up with.

Although safe, comfortable, and familiar, such churches do not enable transformation. In fact, they shut it down. Can’t have the Holy Spirit coming in here and changing things! But God’s Kingdom is about saving lives not legacies.

We know we’re legacy saving when:

  • We’re afraid to make changes for fear of offending people.
  • We have “sacred cows,” emotional attachments to things, or to doing things a certain way.
  • We care more about preserving the church experience we grew up with than about reaching the changing neighborhood around us.
  • We hold on to things that used to work, but no longer are effective.
  • There is anything that’s not “on the table” to be cut if it interferes with reaching the region around us. The Bible calls these things “idols.”

The movie Jesus Revolution is a true story and a great example of a pastor (Chuck Smith, played expertly by Kelsey Grammer) deciding not to be a legacy saver when he opened up his church to the hippies in the early 1970s. He paid a high price. He lost friends who had been in his church for decades. That had to hurt. But he gained so much more. He gained partnering with the manifest Kingdom of God in one of the greatest revivals the United States has ever seen.

Mindset Trap #3: Sin Winking

We “wink” at sin when we condone, or don’t speak out against, self-destructive, sinful lifestyles. Too often, the gospel’s message of God’s grace to all people has been hijacked as an excuse to make people feel good about themselves, just the way they are, sin and all.

Yes, Jesus’ message is “come as you are.” You don’t have to get all holy first before you come to Jesus. In fact, you can’t. But Jesus’ message is never, “stay as you are.” He invites us into life-changing transformation, where we can no longer live sinful lifestyles that break his heart.

We know we’ve slipped into sin-winking when:

  • We’re afraid to say the word “sin.”
  • We pursue peace (unity) at any price. (Unity not centered on Jesus and his holiness is a false peace.)
  • We care more about offending the culture than we do about offending God.
  • We condone, look the other way, or are even proud of lifestyles that are blatantly anti-Biblical and self-destructive, such as sex outside of marriage (between a biological man and a biological woman).

When we don’t call out sin for the self-destruction that it is, when we tell wounded people they aren’t wounded, we are slamming the door of God’s healing in people’s faces.

What We as Christians and the Church Are Called to Be

I have another post here that describes the church as a lighthouse, a life-saving team of rescuers, in a shabby little building, saving shipwreck victims from drowning.

Yes,

  • Numbers are important.
  • It is right to honor our history.
  • Everyone is welcome in the Kingdom of God.

But the mindset traps we’ve discussed take legitimate concerns and twist them out-of-balance, into an end in themselves. And they are each motivated by fear.

The Way Out

The way out of all of these mindset traps is a single-minded focus on what God is calling us to do. As a Church. As an individual Christian. As a family. And the answer will be different for each church, each individual, and each family. Because nobody can do it all.

Yet we can all trust God to partner with us in what he’s calling us to do. It may be a rocky road at times. But we are never alone, even when it feels like it. We need to be willing to sacrifice:

  • Our importance and reputation
  • Our comfortable and familiar way of doing things
  • The approval of the culture and of others

And instead pursue what he’s calling us to with both hands. Then he will work all things together for the glory of his Kingdom. And that is the best possible outcome for us and everyone around us.

Your Turn

Does this resonate? What part of this post speaks to you? Tell us your story in the comments. And please share this post if it would bless others.

6 Ways to Facilitate God’s Healing Transformation in Wounded People

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As God brings wounded people to himself, we as the Church need to learn how to facilitate the healing transformation God wants to bring. Often, this starts with just learning how to pray for people effectively, whether it’s after-service prayer, a phone call from a friend in need, or in a private, dedicated, ministry setting.

When praying for people, we have the honor, privilege, and responsibility of stewarding their hearts well. This is a serious responsibility, and should not be taken lightly. They are being vulnerable by asking for prayer, and we can do a lot of damage if we go into this with the wrong heart posture.

As we step into this sacred space, we need a heart posture of Humble Boldness. We call this “Humble Boldness”, not “Bold Humility,” because humility has to come first.

1) Be Humble

This is not about you. It’s about them.

Jesus is the healer. We are not.  We are just the “stage hands.” All we’re doing is facilitating an environment where they can connect with Jesus, and he is free to do whatever he wants.

The good news is, you do not need to have all the answers. Actually, you don’t have to have any at all.

“Tell me more about that” is a great thing to say when you don’t know what to say, or feel out of your depth.

2) Avoid Spiritual Bypassing

I’m not in any way discounting the power of Scripture, or of a word aptly spoken (Proverbs 25:11). But quoting a Bible verse, or other spiritual platitude, because we don’t know what to say, actually can be very damaging because it discounts their pain. This is called spiritual bypassing, and is (unfortunately) very common. Do not give people a “quick fix” to a deep problem.

Example: “Oh, you suffer from depression? Just go home and get a nap and a snack and you’ll feel better. That’s the Biblical solution since it worked for Elijah.”

Superficial solutions do not address the underlying root of the problem and can cause a great deal of damage. We are setting the person up for believing the lie that there is obviously something wrong with them because the superficial solution didn’t work. The truth is, there is something deeper God wants to heal.

3) Avoid Telling Your Story

Telling your story can discount their story and their pain. We think hearing the story of someone (us or someone we know) who’s successfully gone through the same thing is helpful, but often it’s not. They do not need to hear your story. They need you to hear theirs.

This is not about you. It’s about them.

4) Honor Their Story by Validating Their Pain

Honor is the currency in the Kingdom of God. One of the best gifts you can give them is being heard. Repeat back what you thought you heard. This is called reflective or active listening.

Validate their pain. Take a guess at how they are feeling. “Does that make you feel …?” You don’t even have to be right. Just the fact that someone is listening and trying to understand how they’re feeling can be tremendously helpful. This creates a safe space.

Don’t underestimate the healing virtue of non-judgmental, active listening.

5) Be Bold

Without an agenda of your own (that’s the “humility” part), ask the Holy Spirit what he wants to do. We don’t want to be so “humble” that we’re afraid to do, say, or pray anything.

After asking the Holy Spirit, go with the thought that comes to mind. Believe God wants to partner with you to bring them healing in this moment.

The more you practice, the more you will learn what’s God and what’s not. It’s totally ok to make a mistake! That’s how we learn. And as long as you’re walking in humility, you won’t do damage.

Always validate their pain first (see above). After validating their pain, if you have a word-picture, or Bible verse comes to mind, or you get some advice or direction for them, don’t be afraid to tell them. But submit it with humility.

Don’t say, “Thus saith the Lord …!”

You can say, “I’m getting this picture (or this verse). Does this mean anything to you?”

If you’re not sure if your thought is God or not, one technique is to sit on it first for a few minutes. Often, if it’s God, it won’t go away, but will get stronger.

If you want to give them a scripture verse, for example, ask yourself and the Holy Spirit these questions to test for spiritual bypassing:

  • Does this make light of their situation?
  • Could this be discounting something deeper going on?
  • How can I share this verse (or advice, etc.) while honoring their pain?

6) Be Honoring and Affirming in a 3 Step Finish

When you’re done, here are 3 steps to end a prayer session well:

  1. Thank them for their vulnerability in letting you pray for them. Never take for granted how hard it was for them to ask for prayer.
  2. Pray blessing over them.
  3. Ask the Holy Spirit what you can say to affirm them. How does he see them? What does he want them to know?

Stewarding Hearts Well

So let’s adopt the heart posture of humble boldness. That’s how we can be Jesus’ hands, feet, voice, and heart to a wounded, lost, and dying world. That’s how we facilitate God’s healing transformation. God is trusting us to steward their hearts well in this sacred space.

Because if they can’t go to the people of God when they’re hurting, where can they go?

Your Turn

Does this resonate? Have you been on the receiving end where your heart was stewarded poorly? If so, tell us your story in the comments. And please share this post if it would bless others.

7 Traits of a Healthy Group

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If you’re looking to join a healthy group, whether it’s a church, a mastermind, an association, or a support group, here are 7 traits to look for.

1) Givers

They are givers, giving to others more than they take. And no one is keeping score. There’s no “you owe me because I helped you.” Their help, acceptance, and love does not have strings attached.

2) Abundance Mindset

They have an abundance mindset, not a scarcity mindset. No one is afraid of your success because it means less success for them. There’s no competition.

Instead, they celebrate your success. They believe a rising tide raises all boats.

3) Diverse Interests

They have diverse interests. They are not cookie-cutter people. They don’t try to force you to be like them.

4) Diverse Skills

They have diverse skills. Everyone being good at something makes all of us good at everything.

5) Diverse Levels

They are at diverse levels. People are allowed to be in process. Everyone’s contribution is valued. The rookies benefit from the veteran’s experience, and the veterans benefit from the rookies’ energy and fresh eyes.

6) Support, Not accountability

Accountability groups try to force you to do something you don’t want to do (or stop doing something you do want to do). The only tools they have for doing that are guilt and shame. Responsibility for your results are transferred from you (where it belongs) to the group.

Instead, in a healthy group, you bring the motivation. The group brings the how-to. That’s why diverse skills (above) are so important. Somebody in the group probably knows how to do what you’re stuck on. Or the group together can help you figure it out.

I wrote more about this particular point here, Why You Need Support, Not Accountability.

7) People Are Blessed When They Exit the Group

Watch how the group treats members who leave. That’s how they will treat you. Are people guilted into staying? Are former members viewed as outsiders, traitors, or lepers? Are people openly blessed out the front door, or quietly shoved out the back door? Are they honored or shamed?

A healthy group has a good attitude when you leave. They understand all things are for a season. They send you, with blessing, out the front door.

Your Turn

What do you think? Did this resonate? What healthy, or unhealthy, traits have you experienced in groups? Would you add any traits to this list? Tell us your story in the comments. And please share this post if it would bless others.

Why You Need Support Not Accountability

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Accountability groups, or accountability partners, are big in some Christian circles. But, while well-intentioned, accountability’s not all it’s cracked up to be. What you actually need is support, not accountability.

Here are 4 reasons why.

1) Support Helps, Accountability Controls

The critical difference between accountability and support is that accountability is “friendly” control, while support is help. But the truth is, to quote Danny Silk, “The only person I can control, on a good day, is myself.” Which also means that no one else can control you. No matter how well intentioned, it just won’t work.

“The only person I can control, on a good day, is myself.” — Danny Silk

We submit ourselves to accountability, either with a group or a single accountability partner, when there’s something we feel like we should be doing, but we really don’t want to. We think the guilt and peer pressure of having to report our failures will help. But think back. When in your life has peer pressure ever been a good thing? When have you ever been happy to be motivated by impending shame? Aren’t we much more likely to hide and eventually quit the group or partner?

2) With Support, You Bring the Motivation. In Accountability, It’s Imposed on You.

Who Brings the Motivation? We join accountability groups, or partnerships, when we’re guilted into admitting we should change our life. So we begrudgingly join the group (or partnership). But it feels like going to the dentist. We don’t want to go, we know it’ll hurt, but we know it’s good for us. It’s certainly no fun, and if we could rationalize a way out of it, we would. The motivation is imposed, or guilted, upon us by the rest of the group.

But in a support group (or partnership), we bring the motivation. There is something in our life that we actually, truly want to change. Or it’s a goal we’re passionate about achieving. But we know we can’t do it ourselves because we’ve been trying and it’s not working. So we ask trusted people in our life for help. We come into support situations grateful for the help, not dreading the “help” of accountability.

In fact, manipulative and controlling accountability is actually counter-productive. It can be demotivating, achieving the opposite of the intended result. 

3) Support Gives You Permission, Accountability Forces You 

In support, you’ve asked for help. This is something you want to do. People who support you remind you of your calling, your giftings, the positive words spoken over your life. They remind you who you really are. Their affirmation tears down the lies we believe about ourselves.

So often, when we’re having trouble moving forward, it’s because fear has gripped us. Fear often hides behind a mask of logic. Supportive people give us permission to take reasonable risks. They encourage us to take brave baby steps, and they cheer us on. 

There’s a sense of coercion by guilt that so often accompanies being held accountable. Even that phrase, “being held accountable,” has negative legal connotations, doesn’t it? Accountability attempts to force us to do the right thing. Support gives us permission.

4) Support Honors Your Choice, Accountability Shames Your Choice

What if you change your mind? Maybe you decide you don’t want this goal after all. Maybe you want to quit the group. Although supportive people might disagree, be sad and miss you, they honor your choice. Accountability groups (and partners) shame your choice. They try to force you back in line, away from being “out of control.” Think about that phrase! 

Shame never accomplishes anything good, but it’s the only tool (or weapon?) people who want control over your behavior have at their disposal. That’s a scary thought. Here’s a scarier one: Shame is actually the enemy’s main weapon against us. 

As believers, the enemy only has power over us when we believe his lies. Shame is one of his major tools for entrenching those lies in our heart. Shame activates fear. Fear drives us away from those who would love that shame away and take down those lies like a house of cards.

Since shame is something in the enemy’s toolbox, we can’t ever use shame to achieve a godly result.

Support over Accountability

It can be scary when a loved one is making destructive choices, especially an adult child. Sometimes, out of our very real fear, we try to control and hold them accountable with the best of intentions. We truly want the best for them. But we have to let them live their own adventure.

Jesus totally did this. For example, at the pool of Bethesda, he asked the paralytic, “Do you want to get well?” (John 5:1-15) And again, in Mark 10:46-52, he asked the blind man, “What do you want me to do for you?” These may seem like no-brainer questions, but he was overtly honoring their choice. He certainly wanted to heal them, but he was letting them choose it. He was letting them live their adventure. 

And we have to live ours. Seek out people who will support you, tell you the hard truth, but then honor your choice. Rather than guilting you into what you should do, they ask you, “What do you want me to do for you?” Then they support you in that area, if they morally can, even if they think your main problem is in another area. If they can’t support you for whatever reason, they’ll tell you straight up and not play games with you.

How About You?

Does this resonate? Please share this post if it would bless others. And tell us your story in the comments. Have you been through “accountability gone bad”? Have you had good experiences with support? Your story will help others, and we’d love to hear it.

Why the Church Needs to Understand Wounding

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Too often in the Church we try to address the bad fruit in a person’s life without taking the time to understand the wounding that caused it. If we’re just dealing with the visible bad fruit in people’s lives, and not the bad roots in their hearts that cause it, then we’re just offering a sin management service. No, thank you. I want transformation.

Even if we successfully expunge bad fruit from our lives, if we don’t deal with the underlying roots, those roots will just cause bad fruit to spring up somewhere else. We need to address the motivation. We need to understand the wounding.

A Bank Robbers’ Parable

Two guys burst into a bank with guns. Both fired their weapons into the air and made everyone lay down. They robbed the bank and fled. Later, they were caught, tried, and convicted.

They each received the same lengthy sentence from the judge. After all, the facts of both cases were the same. They robbed a bank. They both used a gun (a worse legal offense). Although they didn’t physically hurt anyone, they both discharged their weapons (again, a worse legal offense). Justice was served like it should be, kudos to the legal system.

Their motivations, however, were completely different.

The first bank robber was motivated by straight greed. Pure, unadulterated greed. “They have something I don’t. I want it. I’m taking it.”

The second bank robber was motivated by fear for his 8-year daughter, dying from a rare and aggressive cancer. She needed an expensive treatment, and she needed it now. But he’d just lost his job, his health insurance was canceled, and the treatment facility required insurance before treatment.

Don’t get me wrong. His desperation does not justify the crime. The punishment was just.

The judge and jury didn’t need to understand the two men’s motivations to hand down judgment and punishment, just the facts of the case. But if the prison counselor wants to bring healing and reform to their lives, he must understand the differences between their motivations.

Which Do We Want to Be?

As the Church, Jesus’ body, the physical manifestation of his love here on the Earth, who do we want to be?

If we want to be judge and jury, bringing judgment, then, no, we don’t need to understand a person’s wounding. We can bring judgment with just the facts of the case.

But if we, as the Church, want to bring healing, then absolutely, we must understand the person’s wounding, and how that wounding has produced bad fruit in their lives.

The prison counselor isn’t going to justify either bank robber’s crime. But he is going to address the problems in each man’s life differently, because their heart conditions, their motivations, and their woundings are completely different.

Did You Cut Yourself?

If someone cuts themselves, too many conservative churches just yell at them, “Hey, stupid, don’t cut yourself! Stop getting blood everywhere, you idiot!” When we don’t lead with compassion, we’re too busy passing judgment to bring healing.

And too many liberal churches pretend they didn’t cut themselves at all. “Blood? We don’t see any blood? You’re fine, no problem here.” When we justify sin, like sex outside marriage, homosexuality, transgender, or abortion, we let people spiritually bleed-out by denying the wound.

But neither is bandaging the wound like Jesus would, which requires 2 things:

  1. Acknowledging the wound.
  2. Loving the person.

Visible bad fruit in a their life often requires immediate attention. But if we really want to help them, we need to address the bad root in their heart, a response to their wounding, that caused the bad fruit in their life.

Where there’s fruit, there’s a root.

What was the motivation for cutting themselves? Was it an accident and they were just being careless? Or was it intentional and they struggle with self-hatred?

Do you see that each motivation needs to be addressed differently? The former needs safety training, while the latter needs counseling and inner healing. Those follow-ups are very different, even though these individuals both received the same emergency medical care.

Start by Listening & Accepting Their Story

So how do we make a difference? How do we do this? Where do we start? How do we understand a person’s wounding?

Here are some helpful, practical guidelines to begin to understand.

  • Listen to their story. This is not the time to tell your similar story, which actually discounts their story. Shut up and listen.
  • Accept their story. Don’t judge it. Value their vulnerability. “Thank you for sharing that with me. That was really brave.”
  • Don’t generalize. Don’t assume you understand what they’re going through because you’ve heard (or lived) a similar story. You need to hear lots of different stories before you really understand an issue.
  • “Tell me more about that” is a great thing to say when you don’t know what to say.
  • Validate their pain. “That must really hurt. I’m sorry you’ve been through this.” (For more practical tips on how to validate someone’s pain, check out here and here.)

We can learn to understand wounding, to look beneath the surface, to validate people’s pain. We can learn to be Jesus’ heart, hands, feet, and mouth on the Earth like we’re called to be. Because if you can’t go to the people of God when you’re in crisis, where can you go?

Resources

In particular, I’ve got 2 short video series, each with videos only 5-8 minutes long, about understanding depression and post-abortive.

Your Turn

Have you ever had someone give you the right solution to the wrong problem because they didn’t take the time to understand? Have you ever done that and regretted it later? I know I’ve been on both ends of this. Tell us your story in the comments and please share this post on social media if it would bless others.

4 Ways to Deescalate Conflict

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If you’ve been watching The Chosen, you’ve seen a brilliant (fictitious) example of Jesus de-escalating conflict in Season 3 Episode 8. Spoiler Alert: If you haven’t seen it, go watch it, then come back and read this post.

[Aside: If you’re new to The Chosen, it’s a multi-season show about the life of Christ through the eyes of the people who met him. It’s professionally done (not another cheesy Bible project). And I’ve never seen any show or movie that captures the heart of Jesus like this one does. I highly recommend it. But you have to watch it from the beginning, Season 1 Episode 1, or you won’t get it. You can watch the whole thing for free by downloading the free The Chosen app.]

As usual, even the fictitious scenes in The Chosen reflect Biblical principles. The writers did a brilliant job showing Jesus deescalate a potentially violent situation between 4 different rival ethnic groups, all at odds with each other.

A Little Brain Science

First, a little science about how our brains work in conflict situations. Here’s a short 90-second video of the “hand-brain model,” using your hand as a model for the brain.

Our brain’s cerebral cortex, where our rational thought takes place, is a very slow processor. In conflict, we don’t have time for that, so it goes off-line, leaving our decision making to our hypothalamus (where our emotions live) and our brain stem (fight or flight).

This is how God wired us as humans to survive in dangerous situations.

But to successfully navigate conflict, we need everybody involved to get out of fight-or-flight mode and back into their cerebral cortex, so we can have a rational conversation.

A Disclaimer

My assumption going in is that everyone involved is more healthy than toxic. If you’re dealing with a narcissist, or someone else who’s more toxic than healthy, these techniques may not work. A narcissist is only interested in winning. They don’t really want to solve the problem; they just want their way.

When you’re dealing with someone who’s more toxic than healthy, what you say doesn’t matter. Only what you do matters; actions are the only language they understand. If that’s your situation, I strongly recommend getting counseling to learn the tools you need to deal with it effectively and safely.

But for people who are more healthy than toxic, these techniques can go a long way.

Here are 4 actions we can take to de-escalate conflict, with (mostly!) healthy people, as much as it depends upon us. These do not go in any particular order. They can repeat. And in any given situation, you might do only one, a couple, or all of them.

(1) Take a Non-Threatening Posture

As Jesus and the disciples are surrounded by these rival groups shouting at each other and mocking him, he does the most counter-intuitive thing possible.

He sits down. And although they reluctantly sit with him, his disciples aren’t happy about it. There are angry, rival groups standing around them. When the disciples point out to Jesus that “we look weak and defenseless,” Jesus just smiles. Because that’s the point.

In a conflict, people are tense and ramped-up because they’re scared. They feel threatened. Taking a non-threatening posture can alleviate the tension, inviting the other person (or people) to ramp-down, because there is no threat.

This doesn’t mean you have to physically sit down. In fact, everyone may already be sitting, but still be spun-up because of the emotional threat they anticipate in the conversation. Ask the Holy Spirit how to take a non-threatening posture in your situation, either physically or verbally. It might mean taking the actions below.

(2) Ask Questions without Judging the Answers

Questions are a brilliant way of slowing people down. They move people out of fight-or-flight mode because their cerebral cortex is required to answer the question. Questions, and you waiting patiently for the answer, slow people down, inviting their cerebral cortex to come back online.

Several times in this scene, Jesus asks questions. Questions are a great way to help everyone involved establish the facts of what actually happened in the situation causing the conflict. Questions communicate respect by giving everyone a chance to answer and be heard. And communicating respect lowers the perceived threat-level, inviting the other person’s cerebral cortex to come back online.

Here are some pro tips for asking good questions:

  • Don’t ask yes or no questions. No cerebral cortex required for that. Ask open-ended questions.
  • Wait for the other person to answer. Get comfortable with dead air. Don’t jump in to break an uncomfortable silence. Once you ask a question, let them speak next.

(3) Tell Stories

Jesus was a genius at storytelling. Word pictures, analogies, and parables invite the other person to move from fight-or-flight move into ponder mode. You can’t think through a word picture with your amygdala; you need your cerebral cortex for that.

The Chosen writers expertly weave many of Jesus’ parables into this scene.

Ask the Holy Spirit for a word picture that describes your side of the conflict, particularly one that communicates how you feel.

(4) Look for Opportunities to Meet a Need

In this fictitious scene, Jesus heals a man with a broken leg. This gets the respect of the rival groups, and they all sit down and listen to him. Then Jesus proceeds to sort out the conflict with questions and stories.

You may not have the opportunity to do a miracle. Or you may; the Holy Spirit still invites us into the miraculous today. But is someone in the room hurting because of an unmet need?

I guarantee you this: When they came into the conflict, they did not expect anyone in the room to meet their need voluntarily; they were ready to fight for it.

If you meet a need, even a small one that’s not the subject of the conflict, it greatly lowers the perceived level of threat. Ask the Holy Spirit what need you can meet. It could be as simple as offering a blanket because they look cold. Or a glass of water before you start.

Your Turn

Does this resonate? Have you used, or seen used, any of these techniques to de-escalate conflict? Tell us your story in the comments. And please share this post if it would bless others.

3 Ways to Bridge the Gap

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I’m sure you’ve noticed. There’s an increasingly larger and larger gap these days between the world and the church. The world is pushing a narrative that, even a few decades ago, even one decade ago, would’ve been viewed as complete insanity.

Well, what is it? you ask. Fair question, which I’m not answering in this post. Because this post is not about the world’s false narrative. This post is not about the gap. That’s the world’s problem.

This post is about how to bridge the gap. That’s our problem.

How to Not Bridge the Gap

Sometimes, when you’re trying to figure out how to do something, it’s helpful to understand what won’t work.

Shouting at someone, “Accept Jesus before you go to hell!” will not get someone to accept Jesus before they go to hell. Just the opposite, in fact.

But the Evangelists will say, “But we have to warn people! It’s not love to just watch people perish and do nothing!”  True statement.

But, in general, getting in someone’s face with the truth won’t work either. That just reinforces the negative beliefs they already have about Christians, that we’re intolerant, judgmental, hypocritical, and self-righteous. (Aside: Yes, we sometimes struggle with these things. But at least Christians recognize them as vices. Wokeness is perfecting intolerance, judgmentalism, hypocrisy, and self-righteousness into an art form.)

My point is this. As Christians, in many ways, we’ve majored in finding differences with non-believers, and letting them know where they are wrong. That’s an ineffective evangelistic strategy.

Here are 3 powerful ways to bridge the gap effectively with unbelievers.

(1) Love First, Truth Second

Instead of majoring on pointing out our differences, let’s major on finding what we have in common, and start there. In general, I think it’s a mistake to start with where we disagree or are different. Let’s start with what we agree on, what we have in common, and where we are the same.

Then we build relationship around that. And then, from that place of relationship, be watching and alert for the Holy Spirit‘s prompting for where we can speak life.

That’s how we can effectively bring the truth of scripture to someone else’s life: love first, truth second.

I’m in no way suggesting or implying we compromise the truth about Biblical morality, sexual integrity, or Jesus as the only path to the Father & salvation. Heaven knows the world desperately needs the Church to stand up and speak God’s truth.

But I am saying, pleading even, c’mon people, please, let’s be smart about it!

Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone. (Colossians 4:5-6)

We have to earn the right to speak truth into someone’s life. And we do that through relationship.

(2) Ask Questions

I’m going to show my age here, but did anyone watch Columbo starring Peter Falk? Remember the series about the seemingly bumbling homicide detective? He knows who the murderer is within the first 5 minutes of each episode.

But he never accuses or argues. He asks questions. Incessantly. He usually tricks the murderer into giving him the evidence he needs to arrest them. And when he finally makes his accusation at the end, when he makes the arrest, they never argue.

“Never tell ‘um everything you know.” – Colombo

My point is not to badger people like Columbo did, but to ask questions like he did. Instead of arguing, ask them smart questions about what doesn’t make sense. Don’t argue with them about their answer; their spirit knows the world’s narrative they’re spouting is nonsense, even if their mind won’t admit it yet. Just ask more questions to make them think.

The other thing we can learn from Columbo is that he was never in a hurry. Sometimes we act like we’re afraid of their unbelief, and we try to force people into admitting how right we are. Having asked questions that point out the world’s fallacies, let them sit with it. Believe me, the Holy Spirit is replaying your questions on a loop tape in their head. Give the Holy Spirit the space to work on them.

After all, changing hearts is his job, not ours. We’re just the stage hands.

(3) The Power of Your Story

Quoting scripture to people only works if the person already accepts the Bible as truth. People who don’t accept the Bible as truth don’t care what it says.

They can argue with your theology. They can argue with your morality. They can argue with your conclusions. They can argue with common sense. But they cannot argue with your story.

Your story, what God has done in your life, is yours. Totally and solely. No one can argue with it. They can choose to not believe, and that’s on them. But they can’t argue with it. Your story is your story.

They overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony. (Revelation 12:11a)

Your story is your story. It’s powerful. Like this verse in Revelation points out, the Enemy has no defense against your story.

Sometimes we make this way too complicated. Just tell people what God’s done for you, in the context of relationship.

Your Turn

Does any of this resonate? Does anyone remember Columbo? What do you think? Have you tried these suggestions? Do you have better ones? Please tell us in the comments and share this post if it would bless others.

7 Considerations for Sharing Your Story or Not

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Sometimes we feel pressured, or drawn, to share our story. Our stories often contain hard and vulnerable things. The thought of sharing our story can be really scary. It can be hard to discern if we’re being drawn to share by the Holy Spirit or pressured by people. And it can be really confusing if it’s both.

Your story is your story. It belongs to you. You can share it or not. Don’t let anyone pressure you into sharing the treasure of your story. Because your story is a treasure. Sharing it is a precious gift that deserves to be stewarded well, as does your vulnerability and your heart, by the hearers.

Here are 7 considerations to think about when discerning whether or not to share your story.

1) Share Your Scars, Not Your Wounds

I learned this from Amy Porterfield. She was talking about how vulnerable to be with followers in your online business on social media, but I believe this applies in the church, and all of life, as well.

Sharing what you’ve been through is generally wiser than sharing what you’re currently going through. Because publicly sharing your story is not about you.

“But it’s my story! What do you mean it’s not about me?!?” 

Private healing we seek out is about us and getting the healing we need. We all need a healthy dose of counseling, inner healing, and/or deliverance. Personally, I’ve benefited from all three, and we encourage everyone to get the help they need. Yes, your healing is about you.

But everything we share publicly is all about the other people. What we share needs to build up our hearers. The Bible uses the word edify. At least four whole chapters in the Bible (Ephesians 4 and 1 Corinthians 12-14) are dedicated to this concept.

If what we’re sharing is an open wound, and if by sharing it we’re gushing emotional blood all over everyone, that’s not helping them. And it’s probably not doing us any favors, either.

2) What Is the Other Party Equipped to Handle?

I learned this from Toni Collier, in her excellent book Brave Enough to Be Broken (not an affiliate link).

Not every audience, Christian or not, church or not, saved or not, is capable of handling your story. Your story is valuable, and sharing it is a vulnerable gift you are giving to others. You deserve to have the gift of your story stewarded well. If the audience, or the other person, is not equipped to steward your story well, and steward your heart well, then don’t share your story with them.

3) Will Others Be Hurt?

Some stories from our past can hurt our current families. You need to prayerfully consider whether or not to share if others will be hurt.

For people in your story who treated you badly, there is a balance here. On one hand, if they didn’t want to look bad later, they should’ve treated you better. This is not about protecting perps so they can continue hurting others.

On the other hand, we don’t want to bash others out of our own unhealed bitterness. That does nobody any good.

And I’m not just talking about people involved in your story. For example, will current children, who had nothing to do with your story, be hurt if certain details from your past are revealed?

These are questions to work through with the Holy Spirit and wise counsel who does not have a stake in your decision.

4) Small or Wide Audience?

Often, what and how much to share depends greatly upon the audience. Is this with a few trusted friends? Is it a private conservation? Or is it being streamed live on the Internet?

The wider, more general, and less trusted the audience, the more discerning you need to be about what you decide to share.

5) Do You Feel Pressured or Drawn?

If the Holy Spirit is drawing you to share, you won’t feel pressured or guilted into it. I have seen ministries coerce people into sharing before they were ready, to the harm of the person sharing.

Unfortunately, some Christian leaders are not above using your story to build their own personal empire. Here are some ways leaders can nicely but manipulatively attempt to coerce you into sharing your story for their own benefit:

  • Shame: “If you’re not ready to share your story, you must not be healed yet.”
  • Manipulation: “You have a responsibility to share your story. Look at how many people it would help.”
  • Presumption: Assuming that you’re going to share, without asking you, and informing you of when you’re on the calendar.
  • Pressure by Comparison: “Everyone else (or so-and-so) is sharing their story.”

Every one of these tactics is demonic and not of God. Doing these things is a sure sign that the leader is just using you to build their own empire.

If you feel pressured to share, or are being guilted or manipulated into it, then don’t share. Tell that leader “no.” And you don’t have to explain why. You can just say, “No, I don’t feel right sharing that.”

If they don’t accept your no, and still try to convince you to share, however nicely, realize you’re dealing with a controlling and abusive leader. Run, do not walk, out the door and find healthy leadership in a healthy ministry.

6) The Peace Test

Does sharing your story in this setting, to these people, pass “The Pease Test”? Do you have peace in your spirit about it?

If not, don’t share. You don’t have to be able to explain why. It’s enough to know you have a check in your spirit against sharing. Wait until the Holy Spirit has brought a peace to you about it that outweighs any natural nervousness you might have.

7) If It’s a Tie, Don’t Share

When considering whether or not to share your story, if yes and no are a tie, then don’t share. Once you’ve shared, you can’t take it back. The cat’s out of the bag. But you can always share your story later.

If the Holy Spirit is prompting you to share your story, that prompting won’t go away if you sit on it for a bit. In fact, it usually grows stronger.

One of the key ways I discern whether something I’m unsure about is God or not is by pausing first. If it’s just my flesh, I find the compulsion fades over time. But if it’s the Holy Spirit, it grows stronger.

Your Turn

Does this resonate? Have you shared your story and wished you hadn’t? Or has your vulnerability been stewarded well? Or not? Tell us in the comments and shoot us a private message. And please share this post if it will bless others.

Resources

Janet and I are called, in part, to train the church how to embrace the wounded. I did this video series to help the church learn how to embrace two specific types of wounded people, those suffering from depression, and those who are post-abortive. I pray they are helpful.

How to Balance Family and Ministry with 3 Questions

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I’ve seen a lot of questions recently from people, particularly men, trying to sort out balancing ministry and family. Questions like:

  • “Should I go to my kid’s soccer game or go to the men’s breakfast?”
  • “Should I miss the school play because it’s on a Wednesday church night?”
  • “Shouldn’t my life be a witness to them that God is more important?”

These questions come from a false dichotomy – having to choose either family or ministry. But that’s a false choice. Family is ministry.

Every Relationship Is a Ministry.

The hardest choices are choosing between good things. For me, as a general guideline, I set my priorities as follows, and I believe this is Biblical:

  1. Ministry to Jesus himself (time spent and direct obedience)
  2. Spouse
  3. Kids
  4. Extended family (including parents)
  5. Other relationships
  6. Church and other “ministry” activities

The sticky wicket is that first one. Ministry to Jesus means spending time with him, just you and him. But it also means obeying what he’s told you directly in your heart, even if no one else understands it, gets it, or is mad about it.

Yes, Jesus first. Always. But church is not Jesus. Your family is as much a ministry as church activities are.

Every Relationship Is a Ministry.

In general, when there’s a conflict between healthy family needs and church/ministry needs, choose your family. Every. Time.

Unless Jesus has directly, individually, spoken to you and you know in your heart that he’s directing you otherwise.

Here are wrong reasons to prioritize church over healthy family needs:

  • For principle’s sake.
  • To show them how important God is.
  • To do the “right” thing.
  • I get my value from doing ministry.

The only valid reasons to prioritize church over family:

  • You know in your heart Jesus is directly calling you to.
  • The family needs are not spiritually healthy, but are narcissistic in nature.

Healthy Family Needs over Church Activities Every Time

This may be controversial in some circles, and you’re free to disagree with me. But I firmly believe the needs of your spouse and family come before church ministry. And I’m taking for granted here that we’re talking about healthy and reasonable needs, not narcissistic needs.

For example, if your husband doesn’t want you to go to church at all, that’s not a healthy need. Go to church. But if your husband feels abandoned because you’re at church 4 nights a week, he might have a point.

3 Questions to Help You Prioritize

Here are three questions to ask yourself in trying to decide what to prioritize. Let’s take the example of deciding whether to go to your son’s soccer game or the men’s breakfast at church.

(1) Which relationship do you have the most influence in? You have infinitely more influence in your relationship with your child than with anyone in the men’s group. Go to the soccer game.

(2) Who will be hurt the most? No one in the men’s group will be legitimately hurt because you’re not there, and most will not even notice. In fact, by the next men’s breakfast, most people won’t even remember whether you were there or not. But your son could be deeply hurt by you missing his game and carry that scar for years. Go to the soccer game.

(3) What message are you sending? If you go to the soccer game, you send the men’s group the message, “My family is important.” That’s a Biblical message. But what message are you sending to your son if you miss his game?

If you miss the game, maybe you think you’re sending the message, “God is the most important thing in life.” You’re not. You’re really sending the message, “You aren’t important.” And that message could stick with him for years, reinforcing lies the enemy is (or will) tell him about his self-worth.

By your actions, not your words, you are telling your son how God views him. Let your actions tell the truth about his importance to God. Go to the soccer game.

Every Relationship Is a Ministry.

In the rarity that you go to the men’s breakfast over your son’s soccer game, let it be because you know in your heart that God is directly leading you to, individually and specifically in this instance, not based on some intellectual or theological principle or your own unredeemed performance orientation.

What about Jesus’ Mother and Brothers in Mark 3?

This story is related in Matthew 12, Mark 3, and Luke 8. Let’s look at Mark 3 because there’s a bit more detail recorded there. In Mark 3:31-35, Jesus is told his mother and his brothers want to speak to him. He appears to blow them off by saying, “Who are my mother and brothers? Whoever does God’s will is my brother and sister and mother.”

This story is often misused by clergy (who are building their own empire rather than the Kingdom, don’t get me started) to manipulate church ministry over people’s healthy family needs.

But look back in Mark 3:20-21: Then Jesus entered a house, and again a crowd gathered, so that he and his disciples were not even able to eat. When his family heard about this, they went to take charge of him, for they said, “He is out of his mind.”

They came to stop him from embarrassing the family. In this instance, they were proactively opposing his calling. So yes, in this instance, Jesus correctly prioritized what he knew God put in his heart to do over his family.

He didn’t do it based on some vague intellectual or theological “principle.” He didn’t do it based on some verse he misapplied from the Old Testament. He did it because they were opposing the calling God put in his heart.

Your calling, not your church, counts as direct ministry to Jesus.

If family needs conflict with your calling, what you know in your heart the Holy Spirit is individually and specifically calling and directing you to do, then prioritize your calling. Every Time.

But unless you have that individual specific, direct leading in your heart, prioritize your family. Every. Time.

If it’s a tie, or you aren’t sure, prioritize your family (assuming healthy needs, not narcissistic ones). Because your family counts as ministry. If God is really calling you to choose otherwise, it won’t go away; it’ll get stronger.

Your Turn

What do you think about all this? This is a hard topic. Have you faced this in your own life? How did you resolve it? Has your view on this changed over time? Or are you facing this now? Tell us your story and your thoughts in the comments. Let’s start a healthy discussion. And please share this post on social media if it will bless others.