Are Your Parts Acting Up?

So often we shame our “bad” emotions. You know the ones – sadness, fear, anger, shame, etc. And, too often, we use the Bible to do it, something God’s Word was never intended for.

“Are you sad? You know James 1:2, ‘Consider pure joy when you face trials’! So just choose joy!”

“Are you angry? Well, you know Ephesians 4:26, ‘Don’t let the sun go down on your anger!’ ”

This is called spiritual bypassing, by the way: Giving someone a quippy answer, even a Bible verse, without first listening to them to understand the pain in their lives. We may live in a microwave society, but God is not into quick fixes. He’s into deep healing. Because that lasts, and God is always focused on the eternal.

Negative emotions aren’t bad; they’re valid.
Positive emotions aren’t good; they’re valid.
All emotions are telling us something.

Like the dashboard lights on your car, negative emotions are telling us something. They are letting us know there’s a part of our heart that needs our care. Doing the work to care for the parts of our heart that need our care is called, you guessed it, “Parts Work.”

The Honor of Paying Compassionate Attention

The goal of parts work is to pay Compassionate Attention to the parts of our heart that received neither compassion nor attention, and desperately need it.

When a sad or angry or depressed or hopeless part of our heart needs care, instead of trying to pray the part away, can we honor the part, and hear what it has to say?

Often, these parts of our heart just want to be acknowledged, to be seen and heard. When we don’t hear them, they get louder and louder. So we try harder and harder to be a “good Christian” who doesn’t feel these things. And if we absolutely refuse to hear what that part is trying to tell us, often, it lands in our body as disease. It’s as if the part is saying, “Do you hear me now?”

But the Bible never teaches us to not feel or shame our strong emotions. Read the Psalms. God wants our big emotions.

An Example of Parts Work

Suppose a part of you has been on high alert, looking for the threat, since childhood. At the time, that was necessary to keep you safe. But that part doesn’t know that you’re no longer a child, and its exhausting vigilance on your behalf is no longer needed.

Try talking to that part like this (personally I put my hand over my heart to help me focus):

“Part of my heart that feels anxious. I see you. You are welcome here. I honor you for how hard and how long you’ve been working for me, constantly being on the lookout for the next threat. Thank you. You must be exhausted. I invite you to take a much needed rest. Jesus protects us now. Are you willing to step back and let Jesus be our protector?”

And listen for what it says. Honor its answer. If it says no, you can have several options. Which feels best to you?

You can ask the part how old it thinks you are. It might say “7” or something close to that. Then telling it your real age will surprise it! Thank it for helping you all those years, but it can take a much needed and deserved rest now because you’re an adult.

You can ask it what it needs in order to feel safe enough to step back. And then give it that. Sometimes parts just need to be seen and heard. Does it have something to say? Honor that. Listen without judgment. Don’t let your brain talk your heart out of what it’s feeling.

You can ask the part if it would like to hear what Jesus has to say to it. And, if it says yes, ask Jesus what he has to say to that part.

An Example Conversation with a Part

Here’s an example conversation with a part that still thinks I’m a child.

Me: “Part of me that feels anxious, I see you there. You are welcome here. How old am I?”

Part: “5”.

Me: “I’m 25 now. I honor you for helping me for 20 years. You did it! I’m an adult now. You can relax. We are not alone. My adult, Holy Spirit-led self is leading us now, in partnership with Jesus. I invite you to step back and take a much deserved rest. You must be exhausted.”

Part: “It’s not safe for me to rest. You need me to be on guard.”

Me: “I’m 25 now. It’s safe. What do you need to feel safe enough to step back and rest?”

The part might say:

“Compassion.”
“To have a voice. I need to be heard.”
“I need to express anger. What we experienced was not ok.”
“To be played with.”
Or some other need the child had that was never met.

Then you, as the adult, can give that part what it needs. (This is called re-parenting.)

If the part needs to be heard or express a hard emotion, tell it you’re listening and give it permission. Then repeat back to it what you thought it said, and ask it if it feels heard.

The conversation above can be repeated until the part feels safe enough to step back. When it does, you’ll feel that strong emotion go down.

All the parts, and the strong emotions and pain they carry, get a seat at the table.
But they don’t get to run the meeting.

Internal Family Systems

The official name for parts work is Internal Family Systems (IFS). The de facto book for learning more about how to do parts work, with yourself or someone else, is Boundaries for Your Soul by Dr. Alison Cook and Kimberly Miller, two Christian therapists who work and the intersection of faith and mental health. I recommend this book to people all the time. It’s *not* a text book. It’s a very easy, friendly read, filled with practical steps, and is written from a Christian perspective and world-view.

Also, the Pixar movies Inside Out and Inside Out 2 were made by the IFS people to illustrate parts work. So if you haven’t seen them, I highly recommend them.

Your Turn

Does this resonate? Have you been trying to be a “good Christian” and shut down parts of your heart that are holding strong emotions? Tell us your story in the comments.

Do You Want Help?

Is this idea of “parts work” a new concept for you? Do you feel like your strong emotions are “too much”? Is a part of your heart trying to tell you something, and you need help hearing it? Reach out to Dave and Janet here for an inner healing session. We use a method called The Immanuel Approach, a facilitated safe, gentle way to experience a connection with Jesus, get unstuck, and receive the healing he has for you.