The 4 Masks of Wounding and An Invitation to Healing

So often the thing that’s causing the pain in our lives isn’t what we think. It isn’t the blatantly obvious bad fruit like self-destructive addictions or jacked-up relationships. It isn’t the less obvious bad fruit like workaholism or perfectionism. The thing that’s causing the pain in our lives is wounding.

But too often we don’t recognize our wounding for what it is because it hides from us. And often times, we let it because we don’t want to face it. But that’s where the healing is. It’s time to unmask our wounding so we can pursue the healing Jesus has for us.

Here are 4 ways wounding masks itself in our lives.

1) Shame Hides Our Wounding

Godly guilt, conviction over our sin, says, “I made a mistake.” But shame says, “I am a mistake.” Godly guilt says, “Oh, no, look what I did!” But shame says, “Oh, no, look what I am.”

The thing is, shame is a learned behavior. Authority figures, parents, teachers, government, the media, and even the church, often use shame to control behavior.

And some of us have had shame modeled in our family of origin. We lived in shame. We grew up in shame. For some of us, the shame has become so familiar we hardly notice it anymore. It’s become our normal way of life.

Shame is the belief that I am uniquely and fatally flawed.

Uniquely – No one is as bad as me.
Fatally – There’s no fixing me.

So I better hide it and fake it. I certainly won’t let anyone get close enough to see it.

The good news is, Jesus delivers us from shame. (I wrote specifically about How to Have Victory over Shame here.)

Too often church people shame us for our shame. Doh! That won’t work. We can’t help people get free from shame by dumping more shame on them.

Instead, we need to be a safe place. We do that by, counter-intuitively, not having all the answers. By letting people be in process. And supporting them in their process even if it’s different from ours.

2) Offense Distracts Us from Wounding

Offense is rabid in our society today. If I’m offended at you, it justifies all of my bad behavior toward you.

Being offended gives me a place to channel my anger, when my shame lies & tells me I deserved the sin against me. But it never gets to what’s underneath the anger.

Anger is a secondary emotion. There’s another emotion underneath it, often caused by wounding that was not our fault.

But offense keeps us spinning with such intensity that we never get a moment to breathe, take one giant step backward, and get curious about what’s underneath all that anger. (I wrote about How to Disarm Offense here.)

What’s your story underneath the distraction of all the offense? Have you ever had someone listen (non-judgmentally!) to your story? Made in the image of God, you deserve the dignity of having your story heard and honored.

3) Fear Appeases Our Wounding

Nothing inflates fear more than being wounded, wrongly, by someone else’s sin. It puts us into the unresolvable contradiction/tension of desperately craving intimacy, but being in terror of it. Our message to the world is “Come close, stay away,” both in the same breath.

Our fear destroys our identity by trapping us in one of 4 trauma responses:

Fight
Flight
Freeze
Fawn

And the thing we fear the most is going into the pain.

But that’s where the healing is. Think about it. To heal a gunshot wound, the surgeon has to open it up. Not to rewound you, but just enough to remove the toxic lead. And it’s done under very safe and controlled conditions, by someone who’s been trained and knows what they’re doing.

And you’re not just left to fend for yourself afterwards. Everyone understands a recovery period after surgery. So why don’t we understand (and have grace for!) an emotional and spiritual recovery period after inner healing of a heart wound?

4) Pride Ignores Our Wounding

This is surprising, but pride can often be a cover for wounding. In fact, fear and pride are opposite sides of the same coin. Where you find one, you will typically find the other. The most proud, arrogant people are really the most fearful. And they’re doing everything they can to hide it.

Which is a great litmus test for our own hearts. If I feel pride rising up within me, feeling better than someone else, I need to ask myself the question, “What am I afraid of?” Because, behind my pride, fear is hiding back there somewhere. (I wrote about How to Get Out of Our Head here.)

If I can get you to look at all my accomplishments, my over-the-top spirituality, the brilliance of my staggering wisdom, maybe you won’t see my wounding. Wounding?!? Nope, no wounding in here. Hey, don’t look over there! Look over here! Shiny!

The problem is, if we’re all caught up in pride, we’re shining so brightly people can’t see Jesus. They just see us. And, eventually, that’s not going to end well, for them or for us. Because, at the end of the day, we’re not Jesus. But we need him badly.

So What’s a Wounded Christian to Do?

Here are 3 steps for addressing your wounding:

Recognize there’s wounding. Does one of the masks above fit?
Get curious about it. Instead of judging and shaming yourself, ask questions. Where is this shame, offense, fear, or pride coming from?
Pursue your healing. Go on a healing journey. Find someone to walk with you who knows what they’re doing, or at minimum honors your process.

You don’t have to share your story or your journey with everyone. But share it with someone safe. God created us for community, and often having the support of a healthy community is a major factor in healing. Therapists tell us the biggest factor in whether someone makes progress or not is the health of their support system.

Please feel free to reach out to Janet and me here.

Your Turn

Does this resonate? What shape of wounding matches your own? Where are you on your healing journey? Share your story in the comments, or reach out to us privately. And please share this post if it will bless others.