Why You Don’t Want to Be the Good Guy

You don’t want to be the good guy in interpersonal relationships. It’s counter-intuitive, but you really don’t. What?!? Are you saying I should be the bad guy? No, of course not. In the world’s scarcity mindset we fall into so easily and often, those are the only two options. But in the Kingdom, there’s another choice.

The problem with being the good guy is there has to be a bad guy. When I was about 10, I remember overhearing my dad talking to one of his sisters about their mom. My aunt was upset because my grandmother was seemingly irrationally angry with her. My dad reassured her, “Don’t worry, it’s not you. You know how it is with Mom. Somebody’s always the villain. This week it’s you, next week it’ll be somebody else.” He was one of 8 children on a poor cotton farm in Oklahoma. It was a hard life. There were plenty of potential villains.

Life is hard. There are plenty of potential villains to blame. And plenty of real ones. People often do mean and hurtful things. Sometimes unknowingly, but sometimes on purpose. Bad guys abound. But don’t be the good guy.

The thing that trips us up isn’t the evil done to us. It’s our evil response to it. Yes, the evil done to us is horrible. I’m not minimizing that. But it has no power over us, only over our circumstances. What has power over us is our own response.

Viktor Frankl, a Holocaust survivor who went on to become one of the 20^th century’s most famous neurologists, said this:

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” – Viktor Frankl

The problem with sitting in the good guy chair is it forces someone else into the bad guy chair. There can’t be a good guy without a bad guy.

But they are the bad guy! Just look at what they did! Look at what they’re doing! Our American society has perfected this into an art form. We categorize everyone into good guys we agree with and bad guys we’re offended by. And our offense justifies all of our wicked, shameful, ungodly memes and treatment of those people we disagree with. We’ve matured as a prejudiced society. We’re not as prejudiced against skin color or ethnicity as much as we’re prejudiced against ideas. Hell couldn’t be more proud.

Do you see it? Do you see the error? Do you see the worldly thinking? They’re doing something bad, so they’re the bad guy! No. We are not what we do. God doesn’t see us like that. He sees us through the lens of who he created us to be, not through the lens of our behavior. Jesus died to make that possible.

God did not see Moses as a hot-tempered murderer, but as an iconic deliverer (see Exodus 2:11-12 and Exodus 3-4).

God did not see Gideon as a hiding coward, but as a mighty man of valor (see Judges 6:11-16).

God did not see Paul as the chief of sinners, a persecutor of the church, but as His personally chosen instrument to bring the gospel to the Gentiles (see Acts 8:1-3, Acts 9:1-15, and 1 Timothy 1:15-16).

God does not see the wicked people in our life through the lens of the wickedness they do. If we believe this Christian life is truly learning to be more and more like Jesus, then we need to learn to see people like he does. And we do that by letting them out of the bad guy chair.

The problem with putting people who hurt us in the bad guy chair is it puts us in the good guy chair. And we really do look good, sitting pretty in that good guy chair. It feels so justified. But there’s a problem. There’s a catch. The good guy chair has another name. A secret, hidden name. The victim chair. And you don’t want to sit there.

So here’s the deal. The only way out of the victim chair is by letting the other person out of the bad guy chair. And there’s only one way to do that. Forgiveness. I wrote a whole post on forgiveness here with two great lists – what it is and what it isn’t.

But suffice it to say here that forgiveness does not mean a lack of accountability, healthy boundaries, or consequences. If someone’s committed a crime against you, unless the Holy Spirit tells you differently, you have a spiritual responsibility to press charges in order to prevent future victims. And bringing that accountability also invites the person to deal with their own actions, and hopefully get healing for the root wounding that’s causing them.

God does not give us a bye on behavior. For example, although God saw Paul as his chosen instrument to bring the gospel to the Gentiles, when he appeared to Paul (then Saul), he said, “Why do you persecute me?” Jesus is like, “I want relationship with you. Here’s the awesomeness I’ve created you to be. But this stuff, your current behavior, acting out of the lies you believe, is in the way. Let’s deal with it together. Let me replace those foundational lies with my truth.” Jesus dealt with Paul’s stuff.

We are totally supposed to judge behavior as good or bad (see James 2:11, 1 Corinthians 5). But we are not supposed to judge people as good or bad (Matthew 7:1-2). That’s up to God alone. He doesn’t even trust the angels with that one (see Matthew 13:24-30).

So how do you forgive someone who’s done horrible wrong to you and is unrepentant? I had someone do something that was devastating to my family. We still are living in the fallout, and probably will for many years, if not permanently. This person is, as far as I know, unrepentant. I’ve never received an apology, let alone any attempt at restitution, and probably never will. My (fortunately few) dealings with them often display the same issues in this person’s life.

I had real trouble forgiving this person. Yes, I tried, I prayed the prayers and said the words. I wanted to forgive. But my heart was angry at the injustice of it all. So I got help. I got some inner healing prayer ministry. While the prayer minister was praying for me, I had a vivid vision of Jesus hanging on the cross. He asked me, “Have I hung here long enough to pay you back for the evil this person did to you? Or do you want me to hang here a little longer?” No condemnation in his voice, just an honest question.

I was undone. The dam burst and the tears could not be contained. I wept openly, letting all that pain of all that injustice go to Him on that cross. I’d always understood Jesus died for my sins against others and against him. But I’d never thought that he suffered and died for others sins against me. I answered him in my thoughts, “No Jesus, you don’t have to hang there any longer. It’s enough. What you’ve already done is enough.” And in that moment, really for the first time, I was able to forgive that person. I was able to release that person from what they owed me. The pain in my life they caused. The pain in my family’s life. The lack of even a simple apology. I don’t need it anymore. Jesus paid it all.

This whole good buy/bad guy thing really goes all the way back to the Garden of Eden. This was the original choice we were given then and are still given every single day in every single situation and circumstance. The choice between the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil and the Tree of Life. The choice to categorize people into good guys and bad guys, or to offer Jesus’ life to everyone, EVERYONE, independent of their actions.

So that’s my challenge to us today. Certainly don’t be the bad guy, but don’t be the good guy either. Be the Life Guy. Offer life to a sick, dying and hurting world, as you shine like stars in the heavens (see Philippians 2:15).

How about you? Have you let someone out of the bad guy chair? What difference did it make in your life? Has someone let you out of the bad guy chair? How did that change the relationship? Tell us in the comments. Your story will help others. And please share on social media (convenience buttons below) if you think this would help someone else.

I learned the concepts in this post, especially the good guy and bad guy chairs, from Rev. Jean Trainer of Dominion Counseling and Training Center, in Richmond, VA. Well worth a visit if you’re in the area. You’ll be glad you went.