Why Neglect Is Just as Harmful as Abuse

We all understand that abuse is harmful. It leaves deep scars and wounds on our heart, especially when committed by the people who should have loved us. That’s Type B trauma—a “Bad” thing happened. We all get that abuse is really bad.

But Type A trauma—the “Absence” of the necessary good thing—is still trauma. But it’s hidden. Families with Type A trauma can look great on the outside. But neglect is just as harmful as abuse.

“My dad never abused me. He just wasn’t there.” – Millions of people who don’t realize they’re suffering from Type A trauma.

Just like abuse, neglect teaches us we’re not lovable. At least not unconditionally. We have to perform to earn love. The truth is, earned love is not love at all. It’s approval. So many of us confuse approval for love.

We desperately sell our souls for love, get approval instead, and wonder why our need for love is still unsatisfied.

My Story

My neglect wasn’t even sinful. I grew up in a wonderful Christian home. Nothing bad happened. I always knew I was loved. My dad poured into me with lots of activities, which I loved. But they were what he wanted, not what I wanted. Playing baseball. Playing cribbage. All good things I enjoyed.

My dad spent many evenings at the kitchen table going over finances on his adding machine (in the days before computers). If I wanted to play a game with him and get some attention, I’d ask him if he wanted to play cribbage. It worked every time—he’d stop his work and play with me. He couldn’t resist a game of cribbage.

But he wouldn’t stop his work to play Sub Search or Super Spy or Radar Search or Stratego or any of the other silly ‘70s board games I had. It had to be cribbage. Something he liked. Not something I liked. It wasn’t intentional on his part. He was a very good dad. He was an excellent role-model of a Christian man.

I learned, consciously, a lot of good things from my dad: How to treat a woman respectively. Faith in God is important. Being a part of a church. Tithing. Family is important. Self-control. How to be a good sport. Don’t take any wooden nickels. (To this day, I still don’t know what that last one means!)

But what did I unconsciously learn? My preferences aren’t important. Other people’s preferences are important, but not mine. To get what you want, you always have to yield to the preferences of others. Couple that with an unhealthy misunderstanding of Christ’s teaching of dying to yourself, and you’ve got a recipe for the disaster that was my first marriage.

None of that was my parent’s fault, or my ex-spouse’s fault. Or God’s fault. It’s my fault. I was protecting my heart without trusting God. After all, if I yield my preferences, lay down my rights, even when I know it’s wrong in a given situation, God’s obligated to make it turn out right, isn’t he? Boxed him into a clever corner, didn’t I? All without having to do anything scary, like a confrontation. Fortunately, God loves me too much to fall for that one.

The First Step to Freedom

The first step to freedom is committing to a healthy, Christian community. Yes, God speaks to us in our private times with him—worshiping, praying, reading the Bible. Listening to teaching. Watching edifying videos. Reading good books. That secret, private, personal history with God is extremely important.

But so is community. If you suffered neglect, you especially need to join a healthy Christian community where you can let your hair down. Not everybody has to know everything. But a few close friends (or family, or Pastors) do.

Let a community love you to life. Accept hugs. Healthy human touch is vitally important to breaking those strongholds down. Find a place where you can truly be known and know others.

Here are some traits of healthy, and unhealthy communities.

Unhealthy Communities

• Revolve (mostly) around a single person. If the leader’s not there, cancel the meeting.
• Have to perform for acceptance. People look down on you if you’re not doing all the things.
• Pressure to be happy all the time. You don’t dare for one minute not be full of the joy of the Lord.
• Motivated by guilt. I knew a pastor once who’s common response when someone told him they were missing a service was, “Ok, if you can afford to miss the blessing…” Not healthy.
• When someone falls, morally or spiritually, they care more about how it’ll make the church look than about the devastation in the person’s life and family and how to heal and restore them. They give people the “left-hand of fellowship” right out the back door.

Healthy Communities

• Plurality of leaders, not a one-man show.
• People see good things in you that you don’t see in yourself, and they’re constantly calling them out.
• Freedom to express and process negative emotions. Don’t have to pretend to be happy all the time.
• Ok to express doubts and fears. People rally around you, not judge you.
• When someone falls, morally or spiritually, they care more about the person than the church’s reputation. Nobody gets escorted out the backdoor.

You can find a healthy community near you, if you’re not in one already. I believe God will lead you where you’re called to be if you keep looking. Keep looking until you find it.

Does this post resonate with you? Then please share and tell us your story of community in the comments. We’d love to hear from you.