Accountability groups, or accountability partners, are big in some Christian circles. But, while well-intentioned, accountability’s not all it’s cracked up to be. What you actually need is support, not accountability.

Here are 4 reasons why.

1) Support Helps, Accountability Controls

The critical difference between accountability and support is that accountability is “friendly” control, while support is help. But the truth is, to quote Danny Silk, “The only person I can control, on a good day, is myself.” Which also means that no one else can control you. No matter how well intentioned, it just won’t work.

“The only person I can control, on a good day, is myself.” — Danny Silk

We submit ourselves to accountability, either with a group or a single accountability partner, when there’s something we feel like we should be doing, but we really don’t want to. We think the guilt and peer pressure of having to report our failures will help. But think back. When in your life has peer pressure ever been a good thing? When have you ever been happy to be motivated by impending shame? Aren’t we much more likely to hide and eventually quit the group or partner?

2) With Support, You Bring the Motivation. In Accountability, It’s Imposed on You.

Who Brings the Motivation? We join accountability groups, or partnerships, when we’re guilted into admitting we should change our life. So we begrudgingly join the group (or partnership). But it feels like going to the dentist. We don’t want to go, we know it’ll hurt, but we know it’s good for us. It’s certainly no fun, and if we could rationalize a way out of it, we would. The motivation is imposed, or guilted, upon us by the rest of the group.

But in a support group (or partnership), we bring the motivation. There is something in our life that we actually, truly want to change. Or it’s a goal we’re passionate about achieving. But we know we can’t do it ourselves because we’ve been trying and it’s not working. So we ask trusted people in our life for help. We come into support situations grateful for the help, not dreading the “help” of accountability.

In fact, manipulative and controlling accountability is actually counter-productive. It can be demotivating, achieving the opposite of the intended result. 

3) Support Gives You Permission, Accountability Forces You 

In support, you’ve asked for help. This is something you want to do. People who support you remind you of your calling, your giftings, the positive words spoken over your life. They remind you who you really are. Their affirmation tears down the lies we believe about ourselves.

So often, when we’re having trouble moving forward, it’s because fear has gripped us. Fear often hides behind a mask of logic. Supportive people give us permission to take reasonable risks. They encourage us to take brave baby steps, and they cheer us on. 

There’s a sense of coercion by guilt that so often accompanies being held accountable. Even that phrase, “being held accountable,” has negative legal connotations, doesn’t it? Accountability attempts to force us to do the right thing. Support gives us permission.

4) Support Honors Your Choice, Accountability Shames Your Choice

What if you change your mind? Maybe you decide you don’t want this goal after all. Maybe you want to quit the group. Although supportive people might disagree, be sad and miss you, they honor your choice. Accountability groups (and partners) shame your choice. They try to force you back in line, away from being “out of control.” Think about that phrase! 

Shame never accomplishes anything good, but it’s the only tool (or weapon?) people who want control over your behavior have at their disposal. That’s a scary thought. Here’s a scarier one: Shame is actually the enemy’s main weapon against us. 

As believers, the enemy only has power over us when we believe his lies. Shame is one of his major tools for entrenching those lies in our heart. Shame activates fear. Fear drives us away from those who would love that shame away and take down those lies like a house of cards.

Since shame is something in the enemy’s toolbox, we can’t ever use shame to achieve a godly result.

Support over Accountability

It can be scary when a loved one is making destructive choices, especially an adult child. Sometimes, out of our very real fear, we try to control and hold them accountable with the best of intentions. We truly want the best for them. But we have to let them live their own adventure.

Jesus totally did this. For example, at the pool of Bethesda, he asked the paralytic, “Do you want to get well?” (John 5:1-15) And again, in Mark 10:46-52, he asked the blind man, “What do you want me to do for you?” These may seem like no-brainer questions, but he was overtly honoring their choice. He certainly wanted to heal them, but he was letting them choose it. He was letting them live their adventure. 

And we have to live ours. Seek out people who will support you, tell you the hard truth, but then honor your choice. Rather than guilting you into what you should do, they ask you, “What do you want me to do for you?” Then they support you in that area, if they morally can, even if they think your main problem is in another area. If they can’t support you for whatever reason, they’ll tell you straight up and not play games with you.

How About You?

Does this resonate? Please share this post if it would bless others. And tell us your story in the comments. Have you been through “accountability gone bad”? Have you had good experiences with support? Your story will help others, and we’d love to hear it.