In this fallen world, the human condition is a paradox of two contradictory, deep primal pulls. One is longing to be fully known, and to know others, in relationally intimacy. The other is being terrified of it. We are terrified of the intimacy we so deeply long for.

That terror usually is there because our vulnerability was violated or brutalized by those who should have loved us well but didn’t, often our family of origin.

A healthy church family loves well. Wounds given in community are healed in community. You need a healthy church family. You need relationships that go beyond “How are you? I’m fine” on Sunday morning.

That’s why we shouldn’t just “go to” a church. We should join a church. Joining signifies a deeper level of commitment to those people.

It’s not written in blood; you can always leave if it gets wonky, unhealthy, or God calls you to leave. All things are for a season, and healthy churches understand that.

But neither are you leaving at the drop of a hat, or at the first thing that offends your delicate sensibilities. You work through it. You have the uncomfortable conversations. You try to work it out.

There is a balance between running from any church that has the audacity to challenge you to grow versus staying at an unhealthy, narcissistic church and just keeping your head-down. We don’t want to get trapped in either of these extremes.

Here are 3 ways that healthy churches love well and do life together.

1) An Abundance Mindset

People who love well are givers. They don’t keep score. They don’t say, “Well, you owe me now, because I helped you.” Their love, help, and acceptance does not come with strings attached.

People committed to doing life together lift each other up, not tear each other down. They have an abundance mindset. No one is afraid of your success, and they even celebrate it. They understand a rising tide raises all boats.

A rising tide raises all boats.

Unhealthy churches have a scarcity mindset. Those people think there’s only so much success, or favor with God, to go around. So if you’re successful, that means less success for them. So they are actually afraid of your success. If you get too successful, or your life reflects too much of God’s favor, they’ll cut you back down to size. There are no giants allowed in a kingdom of dwarves.

You can see this play out in the leadership. Are the leaders in competition with each other? Are they guarded around each other? Or do they protect and affirm each other? Can they be safely vulnerable around each other?

2) Support Not Accountability

Megan Hyatt-Miller (Michael Hyatt’s daughter) tells the story of getting up early to jog with a friend before going to high-school. It was something they mutually decided to do together. On the second day, Megan had to sneak into her friend’s bedroom and wake her up at 5:00 AM to go jogging. You can imagine how long this lasted.

Megan learned it was unhealthy to “hold her friend accountable” to go jogging, when her friend obviously did not really want to. If her friend really wanted to go jogging and got herself up at 5:00 AM, Megan would support her and go jogging with her.

Obviously, I’m not talking about celebrating, supporting or winking at sin or sinful lifestyles. But using accountability and shame to control people’s behavior is sinful also. Such churches eventually just fall into sin management.

You want to do life with people who will support you accomplishing your goals, not try to guilt you into accomplishing theirs.

3) Reminding You of Your Identity, Not Your Shame

You want a church that supports your healing journey, and doesn’t guilt you for admitting your struggles.

There’s a village in Africa where, when a woman is pregnant, she goes into the forest with her friends until they get “the song of the child.” Then they go back and teach it to the village.

The village sings the person’s song at significant events in the person’s life, like their birth, their death, when they kill the leopard, get promoted in the tribe, etc.

But they also sing the song when the person messes up, often in adolescence. This is the village’s discipline. They put the person in the center of the tribe and gather around them, and say, “You’re not acting like yourself. Let us remind you of who you are.” Then the village sings them their song.

That’s a beautiful picture of how the church is supposed to support our true, God-given identity, by reminding us who we are and of how Heaven sees us. That’s a far cry from the common but unhealthy practice of holding someone accountable by holding them hostage through shame.

When you do life together, everyone is allowed to be in process. None of us have arrived. Everyone’s contribution is still valued. Everyone’s calling, both inside and outside the church, is still valued. No one is flippantly disqualified because of what they are going through.

In Summary

Healthy churches are not made up of cookie-cutter people. They don’t try to force you into a mold. They aren’t afraid of people’s differences. They don’t try to force you to be like them. They celebrate you. Those are the people you can do life with.

You’re looking for a group of people in the church that embody the qualities I’ve listed above. You’re looking for a group of safe, godly people you can do life with.

It is our passion (Janet and I) that this site is a safe, godly community, built around encouraging each other to be who God created us to be. So we hope we can be a part of your safe community and share your journey. But you also need people you can do life with face-to-face.

Your Turn

Have you found a safe group of people you can do life with? Or not? Tell us your story in the comments. And please share this post if you think it would bless others.