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Real Forgiveness Is Grief Work

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We can unknowingly do tremendous damage by guilting ourselves (or other people) into forgiving too soon. What?!? The Bible commands us to forgive! Yes, it does. I completely believe in the power of forgiveness, no argument there. But it has to be real forgiveness, not cheap forgiveness.

Forgiveness is one of the most misunderstood topics today, both by our culture and by the Church. Real forgiveness is not an event. It’s not something we did at 3:07 PM last Tuesday. In fact, it’s not something we do at all. It is a process we walk through.

Cheap forgiveness is worse than none. Because we think we’ve forgiven, but we really haven’t. So we unknowingly live in unforgiveness, with all its negative consequences.

10 Things Forgiveness Is Not

Sometimes it’s easier to understand what something is by understanding what it’s not. Here are ten things forgiveness is not that people often mistake for forgiveness.

Forgiveness is NOT:

  1. Pretending nothing happened.
  2. Covering for the other person.
  3. Trusting someone who should not be trusted.
  4. Giving a perpetrator access so they can do it again.
  5. Lacking healthy boundaries.
  6. Letting a criminal go free.
  7. Avoiding conflict.
  8. Pretending to agree with the other person when you really don’t.
  9. Feeling happy about something bad that happened.
  10. An emotion or a feeling at all.

Forgiveness and Healing Are Two Different Things

Say we go to the gun range together. I’m handling my weapon carelessly, and I accidentally shoot you in the shoulder. You can forgive me instantly, but a gunshot wound takes time to heal.

Suppose I see you the next day after you’re released from the hospital. I slap you on the shoulder, “Hey, how are you doing? Great to see you! Sorry again about yesterday.”

“Ouch!” you respond, because I slapped your shoulder right on the wound. “That hurts!”

“Why are you still hurting? Haven’t you forgiven me?” I ask indignantly. “What’s wrong with you? You’re not a very good Christian! You’re being very unforgiving.”

But forgiveness has nothing to do with it! You forgave me on the way to the hospital, but you still have the wound. There’s nothing wrong with you; it’s normal for you to hurt again if I slap the wound. My refusal to acknowledge the reality of the wound I’ve given you is really a sign of my own spiritual immaturity and lack of repentance.

Forgiveness just means we don’t hold anything against the person;
it doesn’t mean we’re instantly healed from the wounding they caused.

7 Things Forgiveness Is

So how do we walk through real forgiveness? What is real forgiveness anyway?

Forgiveness is:

  1. An act of the will (not an emotion).
  2. A process that takes time.
  3. A decision to begin that process.
  4. Releasing what we hold against the other person.
  5. Canceling the bill they owe us.
  6. Grieving the loss caused by the sin against us.
  7. Coming to the place where the other person is not defined by the evil they did to us.

Forgiveness Is a Process, Not an Event.

The sin against a person is a loss in that person’s life. Forgiveness is the process of grieving that loss. The process of forgiveness parallels the process of grief with its five phases:

  • Denial
  • Anger
  • Bargaining
  • Depression or Sadness
  • Acceptance

These phases aren’t numbered because they don’t necessarily go in order, and they often repeat. They are all healthy and necessary for a season. The trick is not to get stuck in one of them for too long. How long is “too long”? There’s no formula; it subjectively depends on the situation and the person doing the grieving.

Forgiveness works the same way because real forgiveness is grieving a loss. Maybe of innocence. Maybe of dreams. Maybe of trust. Maybe of a relationship that wasn’t what we thought it was. Maybe we came to the painful realization that a relationship will never be the good thing it could be because the other person refuses to do their own work.

Real forgiveness is grieving a loss.

The thing is, to truly forgive, we have to grieve the loss. It’s a process, not an event.

No one walks up to a widow after her husband’s funeral and says, “Well, that was a great service. I’m so glad for you that you’re done grieving now.”

We all understand that grieving is a process, not an event. We all understand that the widow’s grieving process is just beginning, and we’d expect it to take years. We’d expect her to bounce between days like these:

  • “I can’t believe he’s really gone.”
  • “I’m angry that he’s gone. It’s just not fair.”
  • “I’m sad that he’s gone. I miss him so much my heart is breaking.”
  • “Today was a good day.”

Her friends aren’t concerned if she has an angry day or a depressed week, or if they see her in any of the other phases of grief. They become concerned, however, if she is stuck in one of the phases for months or years on end. Going through the phases of grief is not a problem. Getting stuck in one of them is.

Forgiveness is the same way. “I said a prayer of forgiveness for that person who abused me. I’m glad that’s over and done with.” Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way. Forgiveness is a process, not an event. Going through the phases of forgiveness is not a problem. Getting stuck in one of them is.

While the widow’s friends would understand her needing more alone time than usual, they’d rightfully worry if she pulled away from them completely.

Wise friends let the widow know they respect her process. They let her know they can be as close or as far as she needs them to be on any given day. They’re ok with giving her space or being with her.

And they don’t try to push her through the other phases of grief before she’s ready. It has to be on her timeline, or she won’t receive the healing her heart needs from the grieving process.

We can walk with wounded people (or ourselves) through the phases of forgiveness the same way.

The best way to help someone forgive is to walk with them through grieving the loss.
Because real forgiveness is grief work.

Your Turn

Does this resonate? Are you struggling with forgiveness? Has someone in the church guilted you into cheap forgiveness? What impacted you in this post? Tell us your story in the comments. And please share if this post would bless someone else.

BTW, This Post Is From…

… excerpts of chapters 6 and 7 my book Stewarding Wounded Hearts.

Check it out here.

Why You Can’t Forgive until You’ve Gotten Angry

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As we teach and write about Christian identity, we find one of the biggest obstacles to really finding and walking in our true identity is forgiveness. Nothing will derail the calling on your life more than unforgiveness. Yet, we find many Christians don’t really understand forgiveness. There’s a key ingredient to forgiveness that’s counter-intuitive, that you wouldn’t expect. Anger. You can’t forgive until you’ve been angry.

Now, we’re talking about the really bad stuff here. I not talking about somebody cutting you off in traffic or taking your parking space. Hopefully we can forgive petty things without needing to get angry. But to forgive the big stuff – abuse, abandonment, rejection, neglect, manipulation, betrayal, rape, coercion into an abortion – you have to get angry first. For a season.

Forgiveness is a process, not an event. “Oh yeah, I forgave him last Tuesday at 4:00.” It doesn’t work like that. For really bad stuff, it takes months or even years to completely forgive someone who’s done heinous evil to you. And it goes in cycles. You think you’ve forgiven, and then something triggers that old resentment to rise back up. That’s actually the Holy Spirit prompting you to take another journey through the process of forgiveness. If you submit to the process, it’ll go deeper this time, bringing you a greater level of healing and freedom.

The process of forgiveness parallels the process of grief. You may have seen the 5 stages of grief:

  • Denial
  • Anger
  • Bargaining
  • Depression (sadness)
  • Acceptance

These stages aren’t numbered because they don’t necessarily go in order and often repeat. They are all healthy and necessary. For a season. The trick is not to get stuck in one of them.

Forgiveness works the same way because you’re grieving a loss. Maybe of innocence. Maybe of trust. Maybe of a relationship that wasn’t what you thought it was. Maybe of dreams.

The thing is, to truly forgive, you have to be angry first. For a season.

Although as humans we’ve perfected getting it wrong into an art form, anger is actually a good thing. The truth is God made anger. He gave us the potential for that emotion. And used correctly, it’s a good and necessary thing. Anger is the godly response to injustice. Now, what we consider unjust displays our maturity, but we should be angry over true injustice. That’s not wrong. It’s godly.

If someone has committed a serious injustice against you, you should be angry. In fact, you can’t come to a place of forgiveness unless you get angry. It’s part of the forgiveness process. Here’s why.

You can’t forgive something that’s not sin; there’s no reason to. “It wasn’t that bad.” Unless we get angry to the level corresponding to the heinousness of the sin, we’re minimizing the sin against us. If you were raped, abused, lied to, manipulated, coerced, don’t minimize the sin against you. It was really bad. If you’re not angry, you’re forgiving the wrong sin. You’re not forgiving the real sin against you. You’re forgiving some other sin that wasn’t that bad.

It’s important to acknowledge the full extent of the sin against you. And that should make you angry. It’s only from that place that you can bring your anger to the cross and let it all out. Let Jesus have it. It’s only by acknowledging how much the person owes you that can forgive, coming to the place where they don’t owe you anything. It’s only by acknowledging the debt that you can forgive the debt.

We don’t want to get stuck in anger. Some people do and their unforgiveness tears them up. But it’s important to be angry for a season. Unload on God. He can take it. He wants it. When you yell and scream to God and let all that anger out to him, it goes straight to the cross. And it stays there. He gives you healing in its place. And you can then, from that place, forgive. Which sets you free.

So how about it? Have you gotten angry over the sin against you? Or are you minimizing it? What are you learning? Where are you in your journey of forgiveness? Tell us your story in the comments, and please share if it would bless someone else.