#HandBrainModel Archives - IdentityInWholeness

If you’ve been watching The Chosen, you’ve seen a brilliant (fictitious) example of Jesus de-escalating conflict in Season 3 Episode 8. Spoiler Alert: If you haven’t seen it, go watch it, then come back and read this post.

[Aside: If you’re new to The Chosen, it’s a multi-season show about the life of Christ through the eyes of the people who met him. It’s professionally done (not another cheesy Bible project). And I’ve never seen any show or movie that captures the heart of Jesus like this one does. I highly recommend it. But you have to watch it from the beginning, Season 1 Episode 1, or you won’t get it. You can watch the whole thing for free by downloading the free The Chosen app.]

As usual, even the fictitious scenes in The Chosen reflect Biblical principles. The writers did a brilliant job showing Jesus deescalate a potentially violent situation between 4 different rival ethnic groups, all at odds with each other.

A Little Brain Science

First, a little science about how our brains work in conflict situations. Here’s a short 90-second video of the “hand-brain model,” using your hand as a model for the brain.

Our brain’s cerebral cortex, where our rational thought takes place, is a very slow processor. In conflict, we don’t have time for that, so it goes off-line, leaving our decision making to our hypothalamus (where our emotions live) and our brain stem (fight or flight).

This is how God wired us as humans to survive in dangerous situations.

But to successfully navigate conflict, we need everybody involved to get out of fight-or-flight mode and back into their cerebral cortex, so we can have a rational conversation.

A Disclaimer

My assumption going in is that everyone involved is more healthy than toxic. If you’re dealing with a narcissist, or someone else who’s more toxic than healthy, these techniques may not work. A narcissist is only interested in winning. They don’t really want to solve the problem; they just want their way.

When you’re dealing with someone who’s more toxic than healthy, what you say doesn’t matter. Only what you do matters; actions are the only language they understand. If that’s your situation, I strongly recommend getting counseling to learn the tools you need to deal with it effectively and safely.

But for people who are more healthy than toxic, these techniques can go a long way.

Here are 4 actions we can take to de-escalate conflict, with (mostly!) healthy people, as much as it depends upon us. These do not go in any particular order. They can repeat. And in any given situation, you might do only one, a couple, or all of them.

(1) Take a Non-Threatening Posture

As Jesus and the disciples are surrounded by these rival groups shouting at each other and mocking him, he does the most counter-intuitive thing possible.

He sits down. And although they reluctantly sit with him, his disciples aren’t happy about it. There are angry, rival groups standing around them. When the disciples point out to Jesus that “we look weak and defenseless,” Jesus just smiles. Because that’s the point.

In a conflict, people are tense and ramped-up because they’re scared. They feel threatened. Taking a non-threatening posture can alleviate the tension, inviting the other person (or people) to ramp-down, because there is no threat.

This doesn’t mean you have to physically sit down. In fact, everyone may already be sitting, but still be spun-up because of the emotional threat they anticipate in the conversation. Ask the Holy Spirit how to take a non-threatening posture in your situation, either physically or verbally. It might mean taking the actions below.

(2) Ask Questions without Judging the Answers

Questions are a brilliant way of slowing people down. They move people out of fight-or-flight mode because their cerebral cortex is required to answer the question. Questions, and you waiting patiently for the answer, slow people down, inviting their cerebral cortex to come back online.

Several times in this scene, Jesus asks questions. Questions are a great way to help everyone involved establish the facts of what actually happened in the situation causing the conflict. Questions communicate respect by giving everyone a chance to answer and be heard. And communicating respect lowers the perceived threat-level, inviting the other person’s cerebral cortex to come back online.

Here are some pro tips for asking good questions:

Don’t ask yes or no questions. No cerebral cortex required for that. Ask open-ended questions.
Wait for the other person to answer. Get comfortable with dead air. Don’t jump in to break an uncomfortable silence. Once you ask a question, let them speak next.

(3) Tell Stories

Jesus was a genius at storytelling. Word pictures, analogies, and parables invite the other person to move from fight-or-flight move into ponder mode. You can’t think through a word picture with your amygdala; you need your cerebral cortex for that.

The Chosen writers expertly weave many of Jesus’ parables into this scene.

Ask the Holy Spirit for a word picture that describes your side of the conflict, particularly one that communicates how you feel.

(4) Look for Opportunities to Meet a Need

In this fictitious scene, Jesus heals a man with a broken leg. This gets the respect of the rival groups, and they all sit down and listen to him. Then Jesus proceeds to sort out the conflict with questions and stories.

You may not have the opportunity to do a miracle. Or you may; the Holy Spirit still invites us into the miraculous today. But is someone in the room hurting because of an unmet need?

I guarantee you this: When they came into the conflict, they did not expect anyone in the room to meet their need voluntarily; they were ready to fight for it.

If you meet a need, even a small one that’s not the subject of the conflict, it greatly lowers the perceived level of threat. Ask the Holy Spirit what need you can meet. It could be as simple as offering a blanket because they look cold. Or a glass of water before you start.

Your Turn

Does this resonate? Have you used, or seen used, any of these techniques to de-escalate conflict? Tell us your story in the comments. And please share this post if it would bless others.

With the overturn of Roe v. Wade, our culture is in an emotionally volatile season right now. It can be scary, difficult, and even dangerous to jump into the conversation. But we must. We have the life-giving truth that sets people free. God has called us to such a time as this (Esther 4:14). We have the truth the culture is so desperate for, even as they are openly hostile toward it.

“Silence does not interpret itself.” – Father Frank Pavone, Priests for Life

So many people are being triggered right now. There’s a lot of anger, vitriol, and animosity out there. How can a Christian bring God’s truth to such an emotionally volatile environment without getting skewered? Is it even possible to engage emotionally triggered people in a way that’s actually helpful, instead of just pouring more gasoline on the fire?

Yes it is. But there are 5 important things we need to know in order to bring God’s truth in the middle of this chaos.

1) How the Brain Works

We need to understand the brain science behind where the other person is right now. Here is a 90-second video of a simple hand-brain model that explains it.

Their rational brain is off-line. While they are in their emotional brain, you can’t make a logical argument right now because their logic center isn’t online to hear it. So save your breath. Don’t take the bait and get sucked into an unproductive argument.

Instead, we need to slow them down so their prefrontal cortex (the logical thinking part of the brain) can come back online. Do the next 2 things. When you get good at them, they are invaluable in pivoting a hostile argument into a respectful conversation.

2) Let Them Win by Finding Common Ground

What?!? Let them win?!? Are you crazy?!? They’re wrong!!! Here’s the deal. Most people, especially when emotionally spun-up, are in the argument to win it. All of their energy and focus is directed into getting you to say they’re right.

So say it. Find some common ground you can agree on, without lying. Compliment them on it, no matter how irrelevant or off-topic it seems. Here are some examples.

I agree everyone should have control over their own body.
Yeah, it’s unsettling when an issue that’s been settled for 50 years gets stirred up again, isn’t it?
I understand how you could feel that way.
I really respect your passion for this issue. I wish everyone cared about it as much as you do.

Now, instead of an opponent to be conquered in the battleground of an argument, you’ve become a partner in a conversation.

It’s hard to keep fighting when you’ve won. Your emotional brain chalks up a victory, and your rational brain slowly comes back online. So give them a victory. Find some common ground you can honestly agree with and compliment them for.

3) Ask Questions, Don’t Make Statements

To slow the other person down, ask questions, don’t make statements.

Statements, however kind and well thought out, just feed the emotional swirl, like throwing gasoline on the fire. But asking questions makes them stop, pause, and think. They need their rational brain to answer a question. So by asking questions, you’re inviting their rational brain to come back online.

Here are some examples:

Is it an injustice to withhold from others privileges that we’ve been given?
Do we owe others the privilege of being born?
Is it justice to punish the innocent for the guilty?
Would it be social justice to help women who want to keep their babies financially by giving them equipment, diapers, formula, parenting resources, and rent money?
Is it an injustice for a woman to be coerced into an abortion she doesn’t want?

Asking questions gets them out of combat mode and into co-operative mode, so you can have a conversation instead of an argument.

Learning to ask the right questions is the key. Don’t just fire off something by rote. Listen to them and ask the Holy Spirit for the right question that will slow them down.

4) Frame It as a Justice Issue

My baby-boomer generation, in many ways, is given over to seeking happiness, materialism, and pleasure. I can’t tell you how often I’ve heard my peers say, “I just want my children to be happy.” I want to smack them! Too many boomers sacrifice truth and righteousness for comfort and ease.

Today’s younger generation does not have that failing. God has put justice deep in their hearts. Young people today are a justice generation. By framing your question as a justice issue, you can disrupt the narrative they’ve been taught to parrot and invite them to think about it differently. The questions above are examples of how to do this.

Frame your point as a question about a justice issue.

I understand “framing something a certain way” can sound manipulative, and it can be. It depends if you’re lying or not. You can argue abortion is the largest justice issue of our day. We have to stop killing our children. So truthfully framing a pro-life discussion in this way isn’t manipulative, it’s wisdom.

5) Know Your Job

It’s not our job to win the argument. Our job is to:

Slow them down.
Invite them to think a thought they haven’t thought before.
Give the Holy Spirit space to work.

Then, even if they may not agree up-front, as they ruminate on what you’ve said, the Holy Spirit will speak to their heart.

The world is so desperate for the truth we have. But at the same time, they are very hostile toward it. Understanding these 5 things can help us partner with the Holy Spirit, engaging the culture in a way they can receive, while still protecting our heart.

Your Turn

What do you think? Have you had success bringing someone out of “fight mode” into a respectful conversation? How did you do that? Tell us your story in the comments, and please share this post if it would bless others.

One last thing. Janet and I do post-abortive healing recovery ministry in a safe, judgement-free, no-condemnation environment. If you’re post-abortive, both women and men, God has so much healing, mercy, and forgiveness for you. Please reach out to us at dave@IdentityInWholeness.com or janet@IdentityInWholeness.com.