Forgiveness is a process a lot like grieving. Sometimes, like when the sin against us is horrific or ongoing (or both), we really are grieving a death. Maybe a death of our innocence, or something that was stolen from us. Perhaps the death of something that now will never be. Perhaps the death of a relationship. Maybe we’re mourning the pain and the wreckage caused by sinful actions that were just senseless and didn’t have to be.

So in forgiveness, we often go back ‘n’ forth through the five stages of grief – denial, anger, bargaining,  depression, and finally acceptance. All that’s healthy as long as we don’t get stuck anywhere.

Often it’s like peeling an onion. We think we’ve worked through forgiveness, and something pops up and we realize there’s another layer deeper that we didn’t know was there, and we have to work through it again. Can you relate?

So how do we know when we’re finally done? We know we’re done when we can pray blessing over the other person without that initial twang of “but they don’t deserve it” in our hearts. We’re not minimizing the evil they did to us. We’re not failing to hold them accountable. We can still set up healthy boundaries, especially with someone who’s unrepentant or when there’s been no restitution. But we’re acknowledging that they are not the evil they did to us.

A good friend taught us this prayer. It’s not magic words – you can’t pray any prayer by rote and expect to accomplish anything. Just use it as a guide an make it your own. Here it is:

“I speak words of blessings, love, and forgiveness on ____ in Jesus name. Heal me of the hurt, heal me of the memory of the hurt, and give me the working of the gift of miracles to walk as if it never happened.”

Wow. Isn’t that good? That will rock your world if you have the guts to pray it regularly. Sometimes you have to fight through with this simple prayer dozens of times a day. But it’s transformational.

Will you take up the challenge and risk praying this prayer?

Today’s Action Step: When I forgive someone, I will keep working through it with the Lord, and maybe with those in my life I trust, until I can pray blessing over the other person without any reservation.

Kudos also to John Sandford, founder of Elijah House Ministries, for this concept of finishing forgiveness by praying blessing.

So how about you? Does this resonate? Have you been there? Are you there now? Tell us your story and/or struggle in the comments or shoot us an email. And if you think this would benefit others, please share it with the social media buttons below.

Forgiving someone and being healed from the wound they gave us are two different things.

Say we go to the gun range together. I’m handling my weapon carelessly and accidentally shoot you in the shoulder. You can forgive me instantly, but a gunshot wound takes three or four months to heal.

Suppose I see you the next day after you’re released from the hospital. I slap you on the shoulder, “Hey, how are you doing? Great to see you! Sorry again about yesterday.”

“Ouch!” you respond, because I slapped your back right on the wound. “That hurts!”

“Why are you still hurting?” I ask. “What’s wrong with you? You’re being very unforgiving.”

But forgiveness has nothing to do with it! You’ve forgiven me, but you still have the wound. There’s nothing wrong with you – it’s normal for you to hurt again if I slap the wound. My refusal to acknowledge the reality of the wound I’ve given you is really a sign of my own un-repentance.

And if you continue to observe me still handling my weapon carelessly, I’ve made no change in my behavior, it’s perfectly reasonable for you to put up a boundary and not go to the gun range again with me.

Forgiveness just means we don’t hold anything against the person; it doesn’t mean we’re instantly healed from the wounding they’ve caused.

Yes, we will never get healing unless we forgive first. Forgiveness is part of the healing process. In the gunshot example above, if you intentionally don’t take your antibiotics so the wound stays infected and messy, so you can hold something against me, that would be pretty jacked up. That’s unforgiveness.

In my own life, I’ve experienced a divorce. I’ve forgiven everyone involved, my ex, the lawyers, the judges, etc. And, yes, I’ve taken responsibility for, and repented of, my part in it. But the pain and the wounding continues, both in my own life and in the lives of the people affected by it (my children). The pain goes on and on.

So what do you do? I keep going back to the Lord and giving the pain to him. Day by day, giving him today’s pain. So I can move on with life, not getting stuck in it, but moving forward into the live works he has prepared in advance for me to do (Ephesians 2:10).

Today’s Action Steps:

1. I will keep a short tab forgiving people, not holding the wounds they caused me against them (although I may put up a healthy boundary to keep from getting wounded again).

2. I will take my spiritual antibiotics, giving the Lord my pain and wounding each day, so I don’t get stuck and dwell on it, but move forward into the future he has for me.

How about you? Does this resonate? If so, please leave us a comment or an email. Tell us your story. And if you think this would benefit someone else, please share on social media with the buttons below.

Ok, so we’ve got that forgiveness is a process. Maybe the sin against you was really grievous, and the person is unrepentant and still practicing their bad behavior. You’ve been working through the process of forgiveness, layer by layer, going deeper and deeper.

I know with me, whenever I thought I’d forgiven the person, something happened that brought it all back in a new wave of bitterness. Snap! Back to the prayer closet, on my face before the Lord, trying to let it go. Trying to see them as God sees them and not as the evil they did to me. Again.

How do you know when you’re finally done?

Here’s a simple litmus test. (Well, simple to apply, hard to actually do.) Pray blessing over them and over their life. When you can truly do that without any bitterness, anger, etc, rising up in your heart, then your forgiveness is complete. You know you’re done. You’ve really forgiven them.

This is another first for Christianity. Nobody can do this without the power of the Holy Spirit. Before trying this, ask the Holy Spirit to help you. You’ll need it; I know I do. This is hard, but it is tremendously freeing – so worth it.

Leave a comment or shoot us an email and let us know how this goes for you. Was it hard? Was it freeing? What revelation from the Holy Spirit finally allowed you to do this? Or are you just not there yet? Please share your story with us; we’d love to pray with you.

I was getting prayer ministry, working through the process of forgiving someone who had done something really bad to me. Really bad. It hurt a lot, worse than anything I’d ever experienced. It was really hard to forgive them because the person was completely unrepentant.

While I was learning about true forgiveness, and trying to see the person as not being the evil they did to me, I had a vision. Not an open vision, but a divine picture in my mind’s eye. I saw Jesus hanging on the cross. He looked at me and asked, “Have I hung here long enough?”

I didn’t get it. What?

He asked me again, “Have I hung here long enough to pay you back for the evil they did to you?”

That blew my mind and I broke down in tears. I’d understood since childhood that Jesus paid for my sins on the cross, but until that day I never realized he also hung there to pay for others’ sins against me.

When I answered him, “yes”, I was able to (finally!) release the other person from the debt they owed me because of the evil they did to me. I was able to see them as a hurting and deceived individual with their own story, and not as the evil thing they did to me. And I was able to pray blessing over their life and mean it. (BTW, that’s the sign that you’ve completed the forgiveness process.)

How about you? Are you struggling through the process (yes, “process” – it’s not an “event”) of forgiving someone who’s done something heinous to you? Or maybe you’ve already gone through it, and your experience would help others? We would love to hear from you and help you through it. Please leave us a comment or shoot us an email.