Have your head and your heart ever disagreed? Especially about whether a relationship is over or not? In your head, you’re totally over it. But your heart keeps weeping, and try as you might, you can’t stuff it down. And, even in other relationships, it keeps flooding back into your mind? You might be suffering the effects of a soul tie.

All sins are the same in the eyes of God (James 2:10-11). But sexual immorality has worse consequences for us, because it’s a sin inside our own body (1 Corinthians 6:18).

CS Lewis wrote:

The truth is that whenever a man lies with a woman, there, whether they like it or not, a transcendental relationship is set up between them which must be eternally enjoyed or eternally endured. – The Screwtape Letters, Letter XVIII

Sex does a heart exchange. A piece of your heart goes to the other person, and a piece of their heart comes to you. Forever. It’s permanent. God designed this to be a blessing in marriage. It’s a beautiful thing to exchange hearts with someone we are committed to for life.

The problem is, when it’s not in marriage, such an eternal relationship is tortuous. And then, when we meet the one we want to spend the rest of our life with, we want to give them our whole heart. But we can’t. Because we no longer have a whole heart to give. It’s been scattered to the wind. Forever.

And that’s just the reality. That’s the truth of it, without God. The good news is, our God can heal Forever. He can even put permanently ruptured things back together. He can restore your heart.

That permanent heart exchange is called a soul-tie. It’s a permanent connection between you and the other person. Unless God steps in and heals it.

A Prerequisite …

I’m taking for granted, if you’re wanting to break unrighteous sexual soul ties, that you’re repentant. That you’re no longer living that life-style. That you are no longer having sex with someone you aren’t married to. And you’re committed to staying pure, from this point forward, until marriage.

If you’re not in that place, no condemnation. Just don’t waste your time with this. You’ve got bigger business to do with God if you’re still living a sinful lifestyle.

… And a Caveat

Sometimes we are not a willing partner in the sexual sin against us. I’m talking about the hard stuff, rape, incest, abuse, etc. If you were not a willing partner, it was not your sin. They sinned against you, and you are not at fault in any way.

But even if you were not a willing partner, the abuser established a soul-tie with you. The good news is, God wants to heal it, and restore the piece of your heart that was stolen.

5 Steps to Cut a Soul Tie

So here are 5 steps to breaking, removing, and healing an unrighteous sexual soul-tie. It is often best to walk through this with a safe, non-judgmental person, preferably someone trained in inner healing. But you could do this by yourself if you need to.

Step 1) Name the Name and the Thing

Our words have power. You need to do all these steps out loud.

So out loud, say the person’s name, and “the thing”; i.e., the sin they committed against you. If you were a willing partner, you equally sinned against them. Lay it out there.

In cutting soul-ties, we are performing a legal transaction in the spiritual realm. In this step, you are listing the charges. Sometimes it helps to write them down.

Step 2) Tell God How You Feel

Making it your own, use this as a template prayer: “Lord, looking back on it now, I feel …” And tell God how you feel about it. Angry? Sad? Disrespected? Used? Devalued? There are no wrong answers.

Cuss if you need to. In this step, you’re doing real business with God. You’re being honest about something you might never have admitted before.

Step 3) Forgive the Person

Forgiveness is one of the most misunderstood topics in the church. Forgiveness is not pretending it was ok, or letting the person off the hook. Forgiveness does not mean restored relationship with the person. (If this is hard, check out what forgiveness is and is not here.)

Forgiveness does not mean you feel good or even charitable toward the person at all. This is a legal transaction. You are canceling the debt they owe you.

Step 4) Cut the Soul Tie

Use this template prayer as a guideline:

“Lord, I cut the soul tie with _____.” (Say the name.) “I release the portion of their heart that’s with me back to them, and I ask you to return the portion of my heart that resides with them back to me. Please restore my heart to the wholeness you have for me.”

Swing your arm, or make a cutting motion, when you say “cut.” Do something physical to symbolize cutting the soul tie. There are two reasons for this.

First, CS Lewis made the point that, as hybrid physical and spiritual creatures, what we do with our body affects our spirit. And second, trauma lodges in the body. Doing something physical helps you get to in a way you can’t with your intellect and words alone.

Step 5) Bless the Person

Finally, the last step is praying blessing over the other person. This can be really hard. (You can learn more about finishing forgiveness with blessing here, Finishing Forgiveness, and here, Forgiveness Litmus Test.)

And, again, this is a legal transaction. You don’t have to feel good toward them to do this. And this can be really, really, hard if they are an abuser, or if they are continuing in their sin. A prayer like this is enough:

“Lord, I pray blessing over _____.” (Say the name.) “I pray that they would know you and live out the fullness of the calling you have on their life, in intimacy with you.”

A Personal Story

I was having a lot of trouble forgiving my narcissistic ex-wife who left me. Her behavior had not changed, and it was wreaking havoc in my kids. She was totally unrepentant. I owned my part of the mess, but I was having a lot of trouble forgiving her.

So I was getting prayer ministry with a wise counselor. While she was praying for me, I saw, in my mind’s eye very clearly, Jesus hanging on the cross. He asked me, “Have I hung here long enough to pay you back for the evil she did to you? Or do you want me to hang here a little longer?”

I was undone. “No, Jesus, we’re good, you can come down, that’s long enough.” I was a pool of tears.

I always knew he hung on that cross for my sins, but, until that moment, I never understood that he hung on that cross for other people’s sins against me. That was a game changer. I could then forgive my ex-wife, prayer blessing over her, and cut the soul tie.

How About You?

Does this resonate? This is a delicate subject, so while you’re always welcome to leave a comment (your story blesses others), you’re also welcome to email us. We would love to talk to you and minister freedom to you in this area. And please share this post if it would bless others.