Every relationship pursues one of these two goals. Every relationship protects one of these two things. Either connection or distance. That’s it.

Terrified of What We Desperately Long For

The truth is, we all long for connection, for intimacy. We long to be fully known, accepted, and loved. And there’s the rub. We’re terrified that if we’re fully known, we’ll be rejected and condemned instead.

So we do this dance in our relationships of “come close, but stay away.”

Intimacy == Into Me See

The intimacy we so long for, and desperately need, is a place of scary vulnerability. Someone can really hurt us badly there. So we either avoid it, or we try to control it. But both strategies, by their very nature, destroy the intimacy we’re longing for.

So we protect distance in our relationships. This close, and no closer. Especially if there’s already painful water under the bridge. Especially if there’s a history of hurt with this person.

This is common in failing marriages. Each spouse, having been badly hurt by the other in a place of vulnerability, is not going to be vulnerable again. So they start protecting distance instead of connection, and wonder why the marriage is falling apart. But, often unknown to themselves, they’re achieving their goal of protecting their heart through distance from their spouse, instead of connection with their spouse.

2 Steps to Pursuing Connection

So how do we pursue connection? Here’s two steps.

1) Mutually decide that’s what you want. Sit down and talk. Talking on neutral ground, like in a professional counselor’s office, can be very helpful. Realize that you, as a couple, can achieve any goal you mutually pursue. The current state of your relationship is proof of that. You’ve been pursuing distance and you’ve achieved it.

2) Practice communication that’s about you, not about them. Disrespectful communication tells the other person about them. “You always…” or “You never…” That won’t work. They already know all about them. All this communication does is make them defensive and you do not feel heard.

Instead, tell them about you. Tell them how you feel when they do that thing, and tell them how you want to feel. Now don’t go overboard and make them responsible for your feelings. They aren’t. But you’re asking them for help. You’re inviting them into connection.

“When this happens, I feel _____ and I need to feel _____.”

Danny Silk gives a great example of this in his book Keep Your Love On (not an affiliate link). He lives in Northern California, and frequently drives curvy, mountain roads with his wife. She does not appreciate his fast mountain-driving skills.

So one time she told him, “Danny, when you drive this fast on these roads, I feel scared and I need to feel safe.” She didn’t judge his driving. She didn’t call him names like “irresponsible” or “dangerous” or “selfish.” She gave him information he didn’t have before – information about her.

Now he had a choice to make. He didn’t defend himself or his accident-free driving record. He didn’t explain the performance characteristics of the vehicle and how her fear was unwarranted. He didn’t call her names like “silly” or “paranoid.”

He slowed down. Why? Because he valued his connection with his wife. He wanted her to feel safe around him, not scared. He chose to value his connection with her above the fun he was having by driving fast.

When we mutually choose connection over distance, it makes a safe place for the intimacy we so long for.

When Distance Is Appropriate

Unfortunately, sometimes distance is appropriate. When people refuse, by their actions, to steward our hearts well, it is wise to set a healthy boundary and create a safe distance.

For example, suppose, in the example above, Danny chose not to slow down. What if he said, “No, I’m driving the way I’m driving. Get over it.”

Now his wife has a choice. He’s said what he’s going to do. What is she going to do?

Unhealthy things she could do are try to manipulate or control his behavior. She could shout. She could shame. She could cry. (I’m talking about manipulation crying here, not the honest sharing of genuine emotion.) She could try lots of different unhealthy things.

But the healthy thing is to tell him what she’s going to do, like:

• “Next time, I’m driving separately.”
• “I’m not going next time.”
• “I’m calling an Uber to get home.”
• Not get in the car with him in the driver’s seat. She drives.

“The only person I can control, on a good day, is myself.” – Danny Silk

There’s no judgement in that. No condemnation about his driving. She’s just telling him about her, and about what she’s going to do.

Then he has a choice. What is he going to do? Maybe, after a couple trips without her, or a couple expensive Uber bills, he slows down. Or not.

The point is, it is painful when, in that place of vulnerability, someone who should value and protect our heart hurts us instead. It is good and wise to set healthy boundaries so the person doesn’t have access to our hearts at a level where they can repeat that kind of damage.

We guard our heart by saying, “When you act that way, I feel ____, but I need to feel ____.” If they do not respond like we hoped, then we say, “Ok, when you do ____, I’m going to ____ so I can feel ____.” Then follow through and do it. Leave them the choice of your boundary and the limited access to your heart that comes with it, or changing their behavior.

I know families who have that one family member who ruins every extended family gathering by their outrageous behavior. Finally, they told him, “We love you and we want to spend time with you. But when you act this way, we feel angry, and it ruins the day for us. We all want to enjoy the gathering. So we’re not inviting you this year.” After a couple missed gatherings, he can choose whether he values connection with his family over his right to behave outrageously, or not.

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. – Proverbs 4:23

It is Biblical to guard your heart. But it’s painful when you have to guard your heart against someone you want to share it with, like your spouse or a family member. The good news is, your boundaries are under your control and you can relax them when you feel safe enough to do so. After the person demonstrates they will steward your heart well, you can gradually give them more and more access to your heart, and revoke that access if they can’t handle it.

Your Turn

Does this resonate? Are you pursuing connection or distance in your important relationships? These principles apply everywhere: with friends and family, at work, even at church. Have you had to enforce some healthy distance? What did the other person choose? Tell us your story in the comments; it will help others. And please share this post if it was a blessing to you.

These concepts are based on Danny’s Silk’s podcast, “The KYLO Show” (no affiliate relationship). I highly recommend it.