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3 Ways to Live Like a Creator instead of a Victim

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The concepts in this post come from an amazing little book, The Power of TED: The Empowerment Dynamic by David Emerald. You can pick up your copy here. It’s one of the best books I’ve read in the last 12 months. I highly recommend it. (BTW, this is not an affiliate link. I receive no commission or any other benefit if you buy the book. But you’ll receive a huge benefit if you read it and incorporate these Kingdom of God principles into your daily life.)

I also want to give a shout out to my friend, Jane Abbate, who turned me on to this awesome little book. You can check out Jane’s excellent website at www.MessyMiracles.com (again, not an affiliate link).

No one wants to be a Victim. Yet so many of us live a victim lifestyle. We live at the mercy of our Persecutor, be it a person or a situation, and helplessly await our victorious Rescuer. Only the Rescuer never measures up to our expectations. The rescue comes with strings attached. Our Rescuer becomes our new Persecutor, and around the track we go again. Does this sound familiar? Have you been, or are you now, caught in this cycle?

The fascinating thing to me is that all three roles, Persecutor, Rescuer, and Victim, are all driven by the same motivational engine. Fear.

  • Persecutors act the way they do out of fear of becoming Victims. They try to control the situation. If they make someone else the Victim, then they aren’t. The persecutor thinks of the Victim, “Oh, you poor, sad bugger!”
  • Rescuers also operate out of fear of becoming a Victim. They get their sense of well-being and purpose, not from the calling of God on their own lives, but from fixing Victims. You know you’re dealing with a Rescuer when they don’t want to help you fix the problem—they want to fix you. Rescuers think, “Oh, you poor thing! Bless your heart!”
  • Victims are afraid of everything and live in anxiety, reacting to one problem after another. Victims think, “Oh, poor me!”

The good news is there’s another way to live. God did not create us to be Victims. God is The Creator, and since we were made in his image (Genesis 1:26-27), we were made to be Creators. Creator is the opposite of Victim.

Stick with me here. This is not New Age “we are all gods” nonsense. But God gives us authority over our sphere of influence, especially our lives. That’s why we become what we behold, and what we focus on manifests in our lives.

That’s why Jesus said, after Peter’s confession of Christ, “… on this rock I will build my church.” (Matthew 16:18) The Greek word translated “church” is ecclesia. Since there weren’t any churches around yet, I always thought it was the Greek word for synagogue. But it’s not. Ecclesia actually is the ruling council of a Greek city-state. Jesus was really saying, “On this rock (Peter’s spoken confession), I will build my government.”

Our words, our confession of what we believe, have governmental authority over our lives. God created us this way in his own image as Creators with this authority. He built this principle into the fabric of the universe so we could bless each other (and our own lives). When we speak or focus our attention on something, good or bad, it dispatches spiritual forces to make it so.

What does living like a Creator instead of a Victim look like? The key is that, instead of fear, the Creator’s driven by a different motivational engine—Empowerment. Here are three very practical ways to live like a Creator instead of a Victim.

1) Creators focus on vision while Victims focus on problems. Victims don’t have vision. Reacting to problems is their whole life. Creators focus on the reality they want, and realistically assess the differences between that and their current reality.

2) Creators deal with Challengers, not Persecutors. Persecutors create problems the Victim waits to be rescued from. The responsibility lies with the Rescuer, not the powerless Victim. Creators, on the other hand, see problems, not as Persecutors, but as Challengers to their desired vision. Creators take responsibility for actively taking baby steps through the Challenge and toward their vision.

3) Creators work with Coaches, not Rescuers. Rescuers assume responsibility for fixing the Victim, and their help comes with strings attached. They often become the Victim’s new Persecutor. But although Coaches may offer advice to help fix a problem, both the Coach and the Creator understand the responsibility for fixing the problem rests with the Creator. Coaches allow Creators to freely accept or reject their advice, and Creators seek out this kind of healthy help.

But what about when bad things happen that are not our fault? What about things totally out of our control? What about crime? Mass shooting victims and their surviving families? What if your parents divorce? How about abuse?

We can be the victim of a crime, or of abuse, or anything else life dishes out, without getting sucked into the Victim lifestyle. That’s a choice we make. It’s all about what we choose to focus on. Do we focus on the problem, and live a Victim lifestyle careening from one reaction to the next? Or do we live a Creator lifestyle, focusing on the vision of the life we want, designing and actively taking baby steps to get there?

The choice is up to us.

How about you? Does this resonate? Which of these roles do you fill most of the time? What change are you going to make after reading this article? And please share on social media if you think this would bless someone else.

How to Grow Your Mindset

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We have complete control over our biggest problem. Getting this one thing right changes everything. Our mindset—the assumptions, judgments, and expectations we have about the world, about God, about ourselves—filters how we perceive and process information. Our mindset is such a powerful force over our lives, determining what we do and what we don’t do. Yet often it’s invisible, taken completely for granted. Worse, we often don’t realize it’s lying to us.

I’m seeing this theme repeatedly repeated over and over, again and again. (Aside: That last sentence was just to troll the grammar nerds and make them twitch. Did it work?) I have read several unrelated books in the last few years, and, although they use different terminology, they all focus on this same theme. I want to share the latest one with you today, because changing your mindset will change your life. It’s changing mine.

Mindset: The New Psychology of Success, by Carol Dweck, PhD (not an affiliate link; I’m not getting any commission here). This book is about the difference between a fixed mindset and a growth mindset. Dr Dweck writes very accessibly, in plain, everyday language, no psycho-babble, with lots of stories. It’s a fun, easy, and very worthwhile read.

The fixed mindset says our traits, like intelligence, athletic ability, musical talent, writing or math competence, business and social skills, etc., are fixed at birth. You either have a skill or talent or you don’t, and there’s nothing much you can do about.

This is the fundamental lie that holds us back. Because if my abilities are fixed and I can’t change them, then any failure is a reflection of me and my character, so I dare not risk trying. And any successes I experience validates my superiority over other mere mortals who weren’t born special like I was. So failure is a threat to my identity, because I am what I do. We write a lot about this lie on this site, most recently here.

Yet the fixed mindset breeds failure, because it disparages hard work. Having to work hard at something means I don’t have natural talent. We can’t risk exposing that, especially to ourselves. Because my fixed mindset value comes from what I can do and how well I do it, not who I intrinsically am; namely, a child of God.

The growth mindset, on the other hand, says you can develop skills and talents through hard work and effort. Yes, some people are more gifted in certain areas than others, but there are no “naturals.” Everything worthwhile requires hard work. Growth mindset people view failures as learning experiences, not threats to their identity.

We feed either a fixed mindset or a growth mindset to our children, employees, spouses, and even ourselves by what we praise or criticize.

If a child brings home an “F” on a test and we say, “You’re so stupid”, we’ve tied their value to their results. We get that. But the same is true in the positive. If the child got an “A” instead and we say, “You’re really smart!” The child hears, “So if I’d gotten an ‘F’, that would mean I’m really stupid. My value is tied to my results. I’d better only do safe things I know I can succeed at.” What’s happened? We’ve instilled a fixed mindset by praising (or criticizing) the child’s traits, in this case their intelligence.

To pass on a growth mindset, don’t praise (or criticize) traits. Praise (or criticize) effort. When the child brings home an “A”, say something like, “Wow, that’s great! You must’ve studied really hard!” The message the child hears is, “My performance is tied to my effort, not my value.” If they bring home an “F”, say something like, “What happened? Did you study? Did you do the homework? Or did you just not understand the material? Let’s figure out what went wrong and then I can help you fix that.” Then help them build study habits, get tutoring, or find whatever strategy works for them. The message they hear is, “When I fail, I can fix it.”

Note: Dr Dweck caveats that this is not an argument for lowering standards or giving “effort grades,” like we see sometimes in schools today. A growth mindset keeps the standard high and tells the truth about failure, but also provides the tools to meet that standard.

Yes, this is trendy pop-psychology. But it’s accurate. And I love it when modern psychology catches up with the Word of God, don’t you? Mindset is all over the Bible. Here’s my favorite mindset verse:

For God has not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. (2 Timothy 1:7)

The fixed mindset is all about Fear. People with this mindset live in fear of being discovered—that they aren’t really smart or talented. They aren’t really the “natural” everyone thinks they are. They live their life one failure away from being discovered and having their identity completely destroyed. Their fixed mindset chains them to safe mediocrity, never daring to be who God created them to be, never chasing the thing that makes their heart leap.

As Christians, we know where the fixed mindset comes from: Inner vows we make to protect our heart because of past wounding. Judgments and words spoken over us by authority figures. Lies of the enemy we believe.

But Jesus wants us to live from the power of his love. He bought freedom for us on the cross, and the Holy Spirit makes it available to us every day. His love is the most powerful force on the planet. There’s no fear when we’re living out of that place. We make decisions from the sound mind he gave us, we take wise risks, and we learn from our failures.

It’s not a binary thing. The truth is we all have fixed mindset days and growth mindset days. Learning what triggers your fixed mindset is the key. If you recognize your fixed mindset, you can actively replace it with a growth mindset.

For me, my biggest trigger is when I feel overwhelmed. My fixed mindset kicks in, opening the door to self-hatred: You’re not doing all the things. Look at everything you didn’t get done. You’re such a loser! And it’s all downhill from there. I’m learning a growth mindset: No, I got something done, and I did it well. And my value isn’t in what I do, but because Jesus loves me so much. I choose to see myself through my Lover-King’s eyes.

What areas in your life are under a fixed mindset? What triggers it? In what areas have you learned a growth mindset? Tell us how you’re growing, or where you’re struggling, in the comments. This is a safe place. And please share if this post would bless someone else.

The Key to Getting Free

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The concepts in this post come from an amazing book I read recently, Killing Kryptonite: Destroy What Steals Your Strength by John Bevere. This is an insanely practical book that will plus-up your relationship with Jesus to the next level. You can get your copy here. This is not an affiliate link. I get no commission if you click the link or buy the book. But you’ll get a huge benefit from reading it, I promise.

John Bevere gives a gentle but Biblically accurate message the church desperately needs to hear. He talks about, at a practical level, our relationship as Christians with sin, and how it steals who God created us to be. There’s not an ounce of condemnation in this book, just the loving truth God’s called John to bring us. The quotes in the rest of this post are from the book.

Three scenarios plague Christians when it comes to sin.

  1. The Complacent. Many Christians “choose to overlook sin because of their hardened hearts. They are immune to the reality of breaking God’s heart.” Unfortunately, whole denominations today don’t acknowledge sinful lifestyles as the destructive thing they are, and by doing so withhold the healing God wants to bring. After all, you don’t need healing if nothing’s wrong.
  2. The Defeated. Some Christians believe “the blood of Jesus is powerful enough to free us from the penalty, but not the bondage of sin.” They believe that in Christ we are spiritually made holy, whatever that means, but at a practical level it’s not necessary to live a sanctified lifestyle. It’s a convenient way to pretend to be a Christian so I feel good about myself, but still live however I want to.
  3. The Trapped. These Christians “struggle to break free from sin. They want out, but it has a tight grip on them… The shame of their sin holds them down.” John brings a powerful message to this group. You can get free and John shows you how by an example: his own.

John Bevere takes a brave risk in the book, sharing his own personal struggle with pornography, one of the most powerful and mentally addicting traps in our world today. Kudos to him for his radical vulnerability. I have no doubt it will facilitate a lot of Christians finally getting free.

So often we get in this cycle where we fall into the same old familiar sin, go through genuine heartfelt repentance, think we’re free, only to fall prey again to the same sin. Sometimes Christians give up. “Oh well, that’s just the way I am.” As if their sin is stronger than the blood of Jesus. It’s not. The problem’s not the strength of the sin, the problem’s the type of sorrow we have over it.

There’s two different types of sorrow, a worldly sorrow and a godly sorrow. John Bevere illustrates this so beautifully. In his struggle to get free from porn, he asked a world-renowned evangelist his church was hosting to pray for him. The man prayed with authority and power, but months later John was not free. About nine months afterward, John was crying out to the Lord to know him more intimately, and he was broken because his sin was interfering with his relationship with Jesus. Then he got free.

He didn’t understand and was asking the Lord about it. The Lord explained it to John like this: “When you opened up to the evangelist, you were afraid the sin of lust would keep you from the ministry you knew I’d called you to. You were fearful it would disqualify you. The focus of your sorrow was on you; it was a worldly sorrow.

“Nine months later, because you had been crying out to know me intimately, your heart was breaking because you were hurting My heart by your sin. You knew I had died to free you from this sin, and you hated participating in anything that was along the lines of what sent Me to the cross. The focus of your sorrow was on Me; it was a godly sorrow.”

John explains it further: “Sorrow of the world focuses on us—What are the consequences? Will I be judged? Will I be disqualified? Will I suffer from my sin? What will people think of me?—and so forth. Godly sorrow focuses on Jesus; I’ve hurt the heart of the One I love…”

Isn’t that good? “I’ve hurt the heart of the one I love.” I love that. That’s true repentance right there.

But why does it even matter? Who cares how you live? Will you Christians just get over yourselves and all your dumb rules anyway?

It’s not about rules for rules sake, or feeling good or self-righteous about ourselves. When we’re in love with Jesus, when we’ve done this heart exchange where he has my heart and I have his, then I can’t live in a way that breaks my lover’s heart. I just can’t do it. (Please forgive the shameless plug, but this is the subject of my own book, True Self: Sexual Integrity out of Intimacy with Jesus.)

John puts it really well, “Holiness therefore is not an end in itself, as legalists portray it. It’s the entranceway to true intimacy with Jesus.”

Once you’ve had an intimate experience with Jesus, up close and personal, you won’t trade it for anything. Jesus is the most beautiful, compassionate, gracious, funny, holy, lovely being in the whole universe. All you want to do is be closer to him. I’m addicted. I love his presence, and I get heart-broken over anything that interferes with our relationship.

Is that you? How close are you to Jesus? How intimate? It’s not a contest or a challenge. It’s real life. There is nothing more real in this world than Jesus. And where there is sin, it’s because we don’t understand how beautiful he is and how much our destructive behavior is keeping us from his presence. Tell us your story in the comments and please share if you think this would help someone else.

Transforming Your Story

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Maria thought she was healed. It was a long time ago after all, and a lot had happened since then. She’d gotten married, gotten saved, gotten active in her local church. She never acted on them, but she couldn’t shake thoughts of suicide. The frequent bouts with depression were almost overwhelming. Worst of all was how she thought of herself. She pretended well and had everybody fooled, but she couldn’t shake the self-judgements. Where was all this negativity coming from? Could she transform her story and rescue her real identity?

Working with women at our local crisis pregnancy center, I see many women like Maria who don’t connect the dots of the symptoms in their life with a past abortion. I have heard well-meaning Christians say, “I know I am forgiven” and “it’s covered in the blood.” I totally agree with that, but I have to say that forgiveness and healing aren’t the same thing. Abortion leaves a deep wound. Bad fruit often shows up down the road, such as addiction, depression, promiscuity…to name a few. Our identity – our femininity and mothering – are severely damaged.

Many churches celebrated Sanctity of Life Sunday during the month of January. As we stand for life, we must also recognize that 1 in 4 of us (some studies say 1 in 3) have been wounded by a previous abortion. The good news is there’s healing and transformation in Jesus.

Wendy Giancola, director of post abortion ministries at Capitol Hill Pregnancy Center in Washington, D.C., has written a wonderful book called Transforming Your Story: A Path to Healing after Abortion. This book grew out of her own personal healing journey as well as those she has met along the way. She believes that “optimal healing includes three important aspects: community, spiritual tools, and prayer.” Wendy recommends receiving healing in community. This book is very helpful for a healing group to use together. The chapters of the book are constructed around a Bible story which help the participant view their story through the lens of scripture. She has a very sweet way of using experience and activities that engage the heart, mind and spirit to bring spiritual truths to life. With a very gentle and loving approach, Wendy introduces scripture by saying, “Consider…” and “Let’s talk” to invite the participate into engaging their heart.

Her book also has a companion facilitator’s guide for group leaders.

Having worked with many women through abortion recovery, I particularly appreciate this book because of the way she includes scripture in the study. In the crisis pregnancy center where I volunteer, I encounter many unchurched and de-churched young women who are not familiar with the Bible. This study is not intimidating to someone who might not be able to navigate a Bible. She tells the stories of real women and their pain and includes much of the scripture right in the book. It’s a culture current way of using God’s Word which is as relevant today as it was thousands of years ago.

For those seeking help, there are pregnancy centers you can find locally who offer abortion recovery ministry. Other resources include CareNet Pregnancy Centers, Heartbeat International, Ramah International, to name a few. If you or someone you know has experienced the pain of an abortion, but not been through a healing group, you’re probably living wounded and may not even realize the depth of freedom you’re missing. Again there’s a difference between being forgiven and being healed. I strongly encourage you to seek out a post-abortion recovery study at your local crisis pregnancy center. Get your identity back. It will make all the difference in the world.

You can buy Wendy’s book on Amazon here.