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3 Ways to Bridge the Gap

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I’m sure you’ve noticed. There’s an increasingly larger and larger gap these days between the world and the church. The world is pushing a narrative that, even a few decades ago, even one decade ago, would’ve been viewed as complete insanity.

Well, what is it? you ask. Fair question, which I’m not answering in this post. Because this post is not about the world’s false narrative. This post is not about the gap. That’s the world’s problem.

This post is about how to bridge the gap. That’s our problem.

How to Not Bridge the Gap

Sometimes, when you’re trying to figure out how to do something, it’s helpful to understand what won’t work.

Shouting at someone, “Accept Jesus before you go to hell!” will not get someone to accept Jesus before they go to hell. Just the opposite, in fact.

But the Evangelists will say, “But we have to warn people! It’s not love to just watch people perish and do nothing!”  True statement.

But, in general, getting in someone’s face with the truth won’t work either. That just reinforces the negative beliefs they already have about Christians, that we’re intolerant, judgmental, hypocritical, and self-righteous. (Aside: Yes, we sometimes struggle with these things. But at least Christians recognize them as vices. Wokeness is perfecting intolerance, judgmentalism, hypocrisy, and self-righteousness into an art form.)

My point is this. As Christians, in many ways, we’ve majored in finding differences with non-believers, and letting them know where they are wrong. That’s an ineffective evangelistic strategy.

Here are 3 powerful ways to bridge the gap effectively with unbelievers.

(1) Love First, Truth Second

Instead of majoring on pointing out our differences, let’s major on finding what we have in common, and start there. In general, I think it’s a mistake to start with where we disagree or are different. Let’s start with what we agree on, what we have in common, and where we are the same.

Then we build relationship around that. And then, from that place of relationship, be watching and alert for the Holy Spirit‘s prompting for where we can speak life.

That’s how we can effectively bring the truth of scripture to someone else’s life: love first, truth second.

I’m in no way suggesting or implying we compromise the truth about Biblical morality, sexual integrity, or Jesus as the only path to the Father & salvation. Heaven knows the world desperately needs the Church to stand up and speak God’s truth.

But I am saying, pleading even, c’mon people, please, let’s be smart about it!

Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone. (Colossians 4:5-6)

We have to earn the right to speak truth into someone’s life. And we do that through relationship.

(2) Ask Questions

I’m going to show my age here, but did anyone watch Columbo starring Peter Falk? Remember the series about the seemingly bumbling homicide detective? He knows who the murderer is within the first 5 minutes of each episode.

But he never accuses or argues. He asks questions. Incessantly. He usually tricks the murderer into giving him the evidence he needs to arrest them. And when he finally makes his accusation at the end, when he makes the arrest, they never argue.

“Never tell ‘um everything you know.” – Colombo

My point is not to badger people like Columbo did, but to ask questions like he did. Instead of arguing, ask them smart questions about what doesn’t make sense. Don’t argue with them about their answer; their spirit knows the world’s narrative they’re spouting is nonsense, even if their mind won’t admit it yet. Just ask more questions to make them think.

The other thing we can learn from Columbo is that he was never in a hurry. Sometimes we act like we’re afraid of their unbelief, and we try to force people into admitting how right we are. Having asked questions that point out the world’s fallacies, let them sit with it. Believe me, the Holy Spirit is replaying your questions on a loop tape in their head. Give the Holy Spirit the space to work on them.

After all, changing hearts is his job, not ours. We’re just the stage hands.

(3) The Power of Your Story

Quoting scripture to people only works if the person already accepts the Bible as truth. People who don’t accept the Bible as truth don’t care what it says.

They can argue with your theology. They can argue with your morality. They can argue with your conclusions. They can argue with common sense. But they cannot argue with your story.

Your story, what God has done in your life, is yours. Totally and solely. No one can argue with it. They can choose to not believe, and that’s on them. But they can’t argue with it. Your story is your story.

They overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony. (Revelation 12:11a)

Your story is your story. It’s powerful. Like this verse in Revelation points out, the Enemy has no defense against your story.

Sometimes we make this way too complicated. Just tell people what God’s done for you, in the context of relationship.

Your Turn

Does any of this resonate? Does anyone remember Columbo? What do you think? Have you tried these suggestions? Do you have better ones? Please tell us in the comments and share this post if it would bless others.

How to Engage Emotionally Triggered People without Getting Skewered

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With the overturn of Roe v. Wade, our culture is in an emotionally volatile season right now. It can be scary, difficult, and even dangerous to jump into the conversation. But we must. We have the life-giving truth that sets people free. God has called us to such a time as this (Esther 4:14). We have the truth the culture is so desperate for, even as they are openly hostile toward it.

“Silence does not interpret itself.” – Father Frank Pavone, Priests for Life

So many people are being triggered right now. There’s a lot of anger, vitriol, and animosity out there. How can a Christian bring God’s truth to such an emotionally volatile environment without getting skewered? Is it even possible to engage emotionally triggered people in a way that’s actually helpful, instead of just pouring more gasoline on the fire?

Yes it is. But there are 5 important things we need to know in order to bring God’s truth in the middle of this chaos.

1) How the Brain Works

We need to understand the brain science behind where the other person is right now. Here is a 90-second video of a simple hand-brain model that explains it.

Their rational brain is off-line. While they are in their emotional brain, you can’t make a logical argument right now because their logic center isn’t online to hear it. So save your breath. Don’t take the bait and get sucked into an unproductive argument.

Instead, we need to slow them down so their prefrontal cortex (the logical thinking part of the brain) can come back online. Do the next 2 things. When you get good at them, they are invaluable in pivoting a hostile argument into a respectful conversation.

2) Let Them Win by Finding Common Ground

What?!? Let them win?!? Are you crazy?!? They’re wrong!!! Here’s the deal. Most people, especially when emotionally spun-up, are in the argument to win it. All of their energy and focus is directed into getting you to say they’re right.

So say it. Find some common ground you can agree on, without lying. Compliment them on it, no matter how irrelevant or off-topic it seems. Here are some examples.

  • I agree everyone should have control over their own body.
  • Yeah, it’s unsettling when an issue that’s been settled for 50 years gets stirred up again, isn’t it?
  • I understand how you could feel that way.
  • I really respect your passion for this issue. I wish everyone cared about it as much as you do.

Now, instead of an opponent to be conquered in the battleground of an argument, you’ve become a partner in a conversation.

It’s hard to keep fighting when you’ve won. Your emotional brain chalks up a victory, and your rational brain slowly comes back online. So give them a victory. Find some common ground you can honestly agree with and compliment them for.

3) Ask Questions, Don’t Make Statements

To slow the other person down, ask questions, don’t make statements.

Statements, however kind and well thought out, just feed the emotional swirl, like throwing gasoline on the fire. But asking questions makes them stop, pause, and think. They need their rational brain to answer a question. So by asking questions, you’re inviting their rational brain to come back online.

Here are some examples:

  • Is it an injustice to withhold from others privileges that we’ve been given?
  • Do we owe others the privilege of being born?
  • Is it justice to punish the innocent for the guilty?
  • Would it be social justice to help women who want to keep their babies financially by giving them equipment, diapers, formula, parenting resources, and rent money?
  • Is it an injustice for a woman to be coerced into an abortion she doesn’t want?

Asking questions gets them out of combat mode and into co-operative mode, so you can have a conversation instead of an argument.

Learning to ask the right questions is the key. Don’t just fire off something by rote. Listen to them and ask the Holy Spirit for the right question that will slow them down.

4) Frame It as a Justice Issue

My baby-boomer generation, in many ways, is given over to seeking happiness, materialism, and pleasure. I can’t tell you how often I’ve heard my peers say, “I just want my children to be happy.” I want to smack them! Too many boomers sacrifice truth and righteousness for comfort and ease.

Today’s younger generation does not have that failing. God has put justice deep in their hearts. Young people today are a justice generation. By framing your question as a justice issue, you can disrupt the narrative they’ve been taught to parrot and invite them to think about it differently. The questions above are examples of how to do this.

Frame your point as a question about a justice issue.

I understand “framing something a certain way” can sound manipulative, and it can be. It depends if you’re lying or not. You can argue abortion is the largest justice issue of our day. We have to stop killing our children. So truthfully framing a pro-life discussion in this way isn’t manipulative, it’s wisdom.

5) Know Your Job

It’s not our job to win the argument. Our job is to:

  • Slow them down.
  • Invite them to think a thought they haven’t thought before.
  • Give the Holy Spirit space to work.

Then, even if they may not agree up-front, as they ruminate on what you’ve said, the Holy Spirit will speak to their heart.

The world is so desperate for the truth we have. But at the same time, they are very hostile toward it. Understanding these 5 things can help us partner with the Holy Spirit, engaging the culture in a way they can receive, while still protecting our heart.

Your Turn

What do you think? Have you had success bringing someone out of “fight mode” into a respectful conversation? How did you do that? Tell us your story in the comments, and please share this post if it would bless others.

One last thing. Janet and I do post-abortive healing recovery ministry in a safe, judgement-free, no-condemnation environment. If you’re post-abortive, both women and men, God has so much healing, mercy, and forgiveness for you. Please reach out to us at dave@IdentityInWholeness.com or janet@IdentityInWholeness.com.

How to Help Someone without Rescuing Them

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One of the hardest things to navigate is helping someone in a healthy way, without rescuing them in an unhealthy way. We don’t want to interfere with God’s process of sowing and reaping in their lives. (Here’s my previous post with 3 reasons why.)

Sometimes it feels like watching a train wreck in slow motion.

Compound that with, so often, people don’t want to change the lifestyle that’s causing the pain in their lives. They just want to be free from the pain.

It’s like someone banging their head on a brick wall. They want the headache to stop. But rather than being willing to stop banging their head on the brick wall, they’re looking for a helmet with more padding.

Giving Them Their Power Back

People in crisis often feel powerless. Like someone trapped on the third floor of a burning building, they want someone to pull up in a magic firetruck and rescue them from their pain.

True healthy help restores them as a powerful person who can make choices over their own life. Rather than swooping in with the magic firetruck, healthy help leads them to the fire escape and helps them navigate it.

But it’s their journey. We never take ownership away from them. Even when it’s painful to watch them move forward so slowly, and we could do it for them so much faster.

How to Help: Asking Questions not Making Statements

This is a brilliant 20-minute video by Danny Silk on how to really help someone with a problem. I highly recommend watching it.

So often it is more helpful to ask questions, rather than stating the obvious or just telling someone what to do to solve the immediate problem.

  • What’s the problem? If they don’t acknowledge there’s a problem, you’re done. If this is a family relationship, this is often a strong indication that someone has interrupted God’s process of sowing and reaping.
  • What are you going to do? At this point, often people won’t know. They feel powerless, like they can’t do anything. Their emotions are supercharged, and their rational brain is offline. But it’s important for you to ask this question. It clearly defines who owns the problem, and whose it is to solve.
  • What have you tried before? This is a great first step to help them slow down. Have you had this problem before? What have you done before that’s worked? Can you do that again? This helps them start thinking through the problem, helping their rational brain come back online.
  • Would you like some suggestions? Advice requires permission. If they don’t want your advice, don’t give it. Jesus put it somewhat graphically, “Don’t throw your pearls before swine.” (Matthew 7:6)
  • Have you tried…? Don’t say, “You should read this book.” Instead ask, “Have you read this book?” You are restoring them as a powerful person who can choose what they want to do to solve this problem.
  • What are you going to do? The most empowering question in the universe. Keep coming back to this one.

The Mastermind Process

In writer’s groups I’ve been in, we have a process called “mastermind.” It’s an absolutely genius way to help someone get unstuck. I’ve seen people who were stuck on something for months (or years!) get unstuck in 10-15 minutes. It works like this.

The person with the problem states it, and we ask clarifying questions to make sure we understand. Then comes the fun part.

For the next five minutes, group members give recommendations. The person with the problem is not allowed to talk during this. They just write all the recommendations down in a list.

Then the person with the problem chooses three things off that list they are going to do in the next 30 days. No explaining why they chose certain suggestions and not others. No judgments, no apologies, no commentary. Just choices.

People come into this process scared because they don’t know what to do. But they come out of it energized and excited. What was an overwhelming and vexing problem just a few minutes ago is now solvable. They have a list. They have a plan. They have support.

And most importantly, they have ownership. The beauty of the mastermind process is that, while it never solves anyone’s problem for them, it empowers them to solve their problem.

There are two key factors that make this process work.

(1) The person owns the problem. No one tells them, “Hey, I noticed you have a problem on your blog. Let me tell you how to fix that.” They decided it was a problem. And they decided they needed help fixing it.

(2) The person owns the solution. While the group process helps them think through possible solutions, they choose what they’re going to do and not do. No pressure to pick certain options over others. And nobody in the group gets their nose bent out of joint if the person didn’t pick their recommendation.

Your Turn

Have you been on either end of this? Did someone help guide you through a problem? Or did someone “rescue” you, leaving you to solve a bigger problem with higher stakes later in life? Tell us your story in the comments and please share if this would bless others.