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The Key to Living in the Inheritance of Abundance, and Not Entitlement, by Embracing Gratitude

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So many people live in a scarcity mindset. This causes jealousy and self-destructive behavior in relationships. These people intrinsically believe there’s only a limited amount and I might not have enough. For example, when bosses sabotage their up-and-coming star employees, they’re afraid and threatened by another’s success because of a scarcity mindset. “If you succeed, there won’t be enough for me.”

The opposite of a scarcity mindset is an abundance mindset, the intrinsic belief that’s there’s enough to go around. I’m not threatened by your success, and I can even help you achieve the success I want, because I believe there’s plenty to go around. But there are two kinds of abundance mindsets, an unhealthy one and a healthy one. And they seem sometimes only a millimeter apart, but the end difference is huge. And they are separated by one thing.

Entitlement is the unhealthy abundance mindset. Samson lived in entitlement (see Judges 13-16). He had very little relationship with God, or he couldn’t have lived a lifestyle that broke God’s heart. His lifestyle spit in God’s face. He lived with Delilah, a Philistine woman obviously bent on betraying him. She finally did betray him, and it did not end well for Samson. He took his gifting for granted. He was entitled.

David, on the other hand, lived in inheritance, which is the healthy abundance mindset. When facing Goliath, they both knew this was a fight to the death, that one of them would die that day. But David was like, “I can’t die today because I’ve got a prophesy from Samuel that I’m going to be the next king of Israel. So who does that leave, Goliath? Stinks to be you.” He ran to the battle line, living in the power of his inheritance (see 1 Samuel 17:48).

David wasn’t perfect, far from it, but his sin (adultery with Bathsheba and murdering her husband Uriah, see 1 Samuel 11) was an isolated incident, not a lifestyle like Samson’s was. David repented and was broken over it when God confronted him (1 Samuel 12 and Psalm 51).

That doesn’t make it ok, and David lived in the consequences of that sin the rest of his life, as it played itself out breaking his heart in his family. His children raped and murdered each other (1 Samuel 13). He had to run for his life when they came after him (1 Samuel 15). And he had to pretend to be happy about it when his son was killed (1 Samuel 18).

David had a rich relationship with God. You can read it in the Psalms, the most raw book in the Bible. Sometimes David starts out yelling at God (see Psalm 13), but he always ends up trusting in God’s goodness. David lived in inheritance—the reality that the favor on his life was not his own. It was given to him. Samson trusted in his own strength and his own devices—that lie that he owned the favor in his life. Samson lived in entitlement.

So what, at the practical level, is the difference between living in entitlement and living in inheritance? How do we cultivate one over the other? This one thing makes all the difference. Gratitude.

Gratitude is the difference between entitlement and inheritance. (Thank you Kris Vallotton!)

Here’s the key to living in gratitude.

Be the Steward, not the King. In The Lord of the Rings, conflict arises between Gandalf and Denethor, the Steward of Gondor, because Denethor wants to be king. Denethor wants to own stuff. While he’s more concerned about blocking the return of the true king of Gondor (Aragorn) than he is about stewarding his kingdom well, orcs overrun his city because he’s let the defenses go to pot. Denethor lived in entitlement, and it blinded him to the real threat.

Here’s 4 practical examples of living this out, of living in gratitude and the healthy abundance mindset that inheritance brings:

  1. Don’t own anything. I don’t mean physically, of course we own stuff. I mean at a heart level. Don’t let yourself become emotionally (or spiritually) attached to stuff that’s all going to burn anyway. Take care of the material blessings God has given you as if they are not your own, but belong to a dear friend. Steward material blessings well.
  2. Don’t own your body. You didn’t create your body, God did. Don’t give it over to sexual immorality. Only sleep with your spouse (after you’re married). Eat well and exercise. Not out of obligation, but because you love Jesus who gave it to you. We don’t really love someone if our lifestyle doesn’t honor them. Steward your body well.
  3. Don’t own your life. You didn’t choose to be born, God made your life and gave it to you. Choose to pursue your calling, that thing that makes your heart leap when you think about it. It may not outwardly look like the most responsible thing or make you the most money. But it will be the most profitable because it’s what God created you to do. God put that desire in your heart. Steward your life well.
  4. In humility, value others above yourselves (Philippians 2:3). This doesn’t mean allowing narcissists to run all over you. That would be allowing the life God gave you to be abused, and that’s not good stewardship. It means a healthy balance between being generous to others while allowing others the blessing of being generous to you. It means treating people with the value they have to God (which may be, out of their wounding, very different than how they are behaving at the moment). Steward your relationships well.

Living in the healthy abundance mindset of inheritance, a.k.a., gratitude, is the greatest adventure you’ll ever pursue. With an infinite God, there’s always more. So what are we waiting for? Let’s kill entitlement with gratitude!

Does this resonate? How has entitlement stolen your inheritance from you? Have you seen restoration through gratitude? Tell us your story in the comments, and please share if you think this would bless someone else.

7 Traits of a Healthy Group

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If you’re looking to join a healthy group, whether it’s a church, a mastermind, an association, or a support group, here are 7 traits to look for.

1) Givers

They are givers, giving to others more than they take. And no one is keeping score. There’s no “you owe me because I helped you.” Their help, acceptance, and love does not have strings attached.

2) Abundance Mindset

They have an abundance mindset, not a scarcity mindset. No one is afraid of your success because it means less success for them. There’s no competition.

Instead, they celebrate your success. They believe a rising tide raises all boats.

3) Diverse Interests

They have diverse interests. They are not cookie-cutter people. They don’t try to force you to be like them.

4) Diverse Skills

They have diverse skills. Everyone being good at something makes all of us good at everything.

5) Diverse Levels

They are at diverse levels. People are allowed to be in process. Everyone’s contribution is valued. The rookies benefit from the veteran’s experience, and the veterans benefit from the rookies’ energy and fresh eyes.

6) Support, Not accountability

Accountability groups try to force you to do something you don’t want to do (or stop doing something you do want to do). The only tools they have for doing that are guilt and shame. Responsibility for your results are transferred from you (where it belongs) to the group.

Instead, in a healthy group, you bring the motivation. The group brings the how-to. That’s why diverse skills (above) are so important. Somebody in the group probably knows how to do what you’re stuck on. Or the group together can help you figure it out.

I wrote more about this particular point here, Why You Need Support, Not Accountability.

7) People Are Blessed When They Exit the Group

Watch how the group treats members who leave. That’s how they will treat you. Are people guilted into staying? Are former members viewed as outsiders, traitors, or lepers? Are people openly blessed out the front door, or quietly shoved out the back door? Are they honored or shamed?

A healthy group has a good attitude when you leave. They understand all things are for a season. They send you, with blessing, out the front door.

Your Turn

What do you think? Did this resonate? What healthy, or unhealthy, traits have you experienced in groups? Would you add any traits to this list? Tell us your story in the comments. And please share this post if it would bless others.

3 Ways Healthy Churches Do Life Together

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In this fallen world, the human condition is a paradox of two contradictory, deep primal pulls. One is longing to be fully known, and to know others, in relationally intimacy. The other is being terrified of it. We are terrified of the intimacy we so deeply long for.

That terror usually is there because our vulnerability was violated or brutalized by those who should have loved us well but didn’t, often our family of origin.

A healthy church family loves well. Wounds given in community are healed in community. You need a healthy church family. You need relationships that go beyond “How are you? I’m fine” on Sunday morning.

That’s why we shouldn’t just “go to” a church. We should join a church. Joining signifies a deeper level of commitment to those people.

It’s not written in blood; you can always leave if it gets wonky, unhealthy, or God calls you to leave. All things are for a season, and healthy churches understand that.

But neither are you leaving at the drop of a hat, or at the first thing that offends your delicate sensibilities. You work through it. You have the uncomfortable conversations. You try to work it out.

There is a balance between running from any church that has the audacity to challenge you to grow versus staying at an unhealthy, narcissistic church and just keeping your head-down. We don’t want to get trapped in either of these extremes.

Here are 3 ways that healthy churches love well and do life together.

1) An Abundance Mindset

People who love well are givers. They don’t keep score. They don’t say, “Well, you owe me now, because I helped you.” Their love, help, and acceptance does not come with strings attached.

People committed to doing life together lift each other up, not tear each other down. They have an abundance mindset. No one is afraid of your success, and they even celebrate it. They understand a rising tide raises all boats.

A rising tide raises all boats.

Unhealthy churches have a scarcity mindset. Those people think there’s only so much success, or favor with God, to go around. So if you’re successful, that means less success for them. So they are actually afraid of your success. If you get too successful, or your life reflects too much of God’s favor, they’ll cut you back down to size. There are no giants allowed in a kingdom of dwarves.

You can see this play out in the leadership. Are the leaders in competition with each other? Are they guarded around each other? Or do they protect and affirm each other? Can they be safely vulnerable around each other?

2) Support Not Accountability

Megan Hyatt-Miller (Michael Hyatt’s daughter) tells the story of getting up early to jog with a friend before going to high-school. It was something they mutually decided to do together. On the second day, Megan had to sneak into her friend’s bedroom and wake her up at 5:00 AM to go jogging. You can imagine how long this lasted.

Megan learned it was unhealthy to “hold her friend accountable” to go jogging, when her friend obviously did not really want to. If her friend really wanted to go jogging and got herself up at 5:00 AM, Megan would support her and go jogging with her.

Obviously, I’m not talking about celebrating, supporting or winking at sin or sinful lifestyles. But using accountability and shame to control people’s behavior is sinful also. Such churches eventually just fall into sin management.

You want to do life with people who will support you accomplishing your goals, not try to guilt you into accomplishing theirs.

3) Reminding You of Your Identity, Not Your Shame

You want a church that supports your healing journey, and doesn’t guilt you for admitting your struggles.

There’s a village in Africa where, when a woman is pregnant, she goes into the forest with her friends until they get “the song of the child.” Then they go back and teach it to the village.

The village sings the person’s song at significant events in the person’s life, like their birth, their death, when they kill the leopard, get promoted in the tribe, etc.

But they also sing the song when the person messes up, often in adolescence. This is the village’s discipline. They put the person in the center of the tribe and gather around them, and say, “You’re not acting like yourself. Let us remind you of who you are.” Then the village sings them their song.

That’s a beautiful picture of how the church is supposed to support our true, God-given identity, by reminding us who we are and of how Heaven sees us. That’s a far cry from the common but unhealthy practice of holding someone accountable by holding them hostage through shame.

When you do life together, everyone is allowed to be in process. None of us have arrived. Everyone’s contribution is still valued. Everyone’s calling, both inside and outside the church, is still valued. No one is flippantly disqualified because of what they are going through.

In Summary

Healthy churches are not made up of cookie-cutter people. They don’t try to force you into a mold. They aren’t afraid of people’s differences. They don’t try to force you to be like them. They celebrate you. Those are the people you can do life with.

You’re looking for a group of people in the church that embody the qualities I’ve listed above. You’re looking for a group of safe, godly people you can do life with.

It is our passion (Janet and I) that this site is a safe, godly community, built around encouraging each other to be who God created us to be. So we hope we can be a part of your safe community and share your journey. But you also need people you can do life with face-to-face.

Your Turn

Have you found a safe group of people you can do life with? Or not? Tell us your story in the comments. And please share this post if you think it would bless others.