How to Improve Any Relationship

Anything involving humans can always be improved, and relationships are no different. But before we can improve one, we need to understand what makes the quality of a relationship better or worse.

The quality of any relationship is measured by the depth of the connection between the people involved. The best relationships are a safe place to enjoy being connected, being known and knowing another person. Healthy relationships are a treasure that give us the fulfillment of what we were created for – connection with another.

But not all relationships are safe places. Instead of being treasured, some relationships are tolerated. Unhealthy relationships can be scary places where we don’t feel safe, and the goal is not connection but self-preservation.

Maybe a relationship you used to treasure has tarnished into a scary, unsafe place. How do we turn that relationship around and get heading back in the right direction?

Since your relationship involves another person, there’s no guaranteed outcome. You can’t control what the other person does. You can only control what you choose to do. But, if you want to improve the relationship, there is a dialog you can start with the other person.

But first, you need to get clear within yourself about a few things.

The Goal of Self-Preservation Prioritizes Distance, Not Connection

Is this a scary relationship? Is it scary to be too close to the other person? There’s no condemnation in the answer to these questions, just facts.

If the relationship is scary, your goal is one of self-preservation. In that case, you’re protecting your distance from the other person.

There’s nothing necessarily wrong with that. The other person may be abusive, or may have a history of breaking your heart. But you need to think it through, Why is the relationship scary? What has happened, what am I afraid will happen if I don’t protect my distance?

The next question to ask yourself is, What needs to happen for me to feel safe in this relationship? Does the other person need to get counseling? Does an addiction need to be dealt with?

[BTW, if the other person is physically abusive, call law enforcement. No one deserves to live in a physically abusive environment and no one has to. Even if they are not actually physically hurting you, but if they are threatening to, or are breaking things, call law enforcement. Those things count as violence and you do not have to tolerate them. Make the call or nothing will change. There is help available for you.]

Do You Really Want a Closer Connection?

You don’t have to. Sometimes people are in an unhealthy relationship where they keep each other at arm’s length. They’ve gotten very comfortable protecting their mutual distance, and it works for them. It’s a known, “safe” quantity.

But it’s not a stable equilibrium. Like anything toxic, eventually, it will begin to seep into your soul and affect you. The bitterness, callousness, hardness-of-heart grows until they start affecting your other relationships as well. Many people don’t notice until it’s too late.

Connection is worth pursuing, but if you pursue it for that reason alone, it won’t work. Don’t pursue connection because you “should.” Pursue it because you want it.

Restoring a healthy connection can cost a high price. It’s a risk to the existing but toxic relationship, which could completely explode in your face, leaving you with no relationship at all with the other person. This has happened to me in several important relationships, which I trust God to restore at the proper time.

Sometimes, the other person doesn’t want a healthy relationship. They are perfectly fine preserving distance instead of connection. If you start pursuing connection, you overturn their whole applecart. “Hey, I thought we had an arrangement here?” You may be ready for healthy, but they may not be. I have a post on that subject here.

What Are You Prepared to Do?

Maybe the other person is equally sacred of you. Maybe, they will need certain things from you in order to feel safe. Are you willing to pursue connection over your preferences?

Maybe they need you to not watch TV during dinner. Or stop what you’re doing and greet them when they get home. Or talk about your day. Or let them into that place of your secret hopes and dreams. Maybe they want you to go to counseling.

Risking connection with another person can be scary. But it’s so worth it when it’s mutual.

The Choice Is Yours

Some people are toxic enough that the relationship has to be completely rebooted. Sometimes you have to protect distance, sometimes even physical distance with a restraining-order. Sometimes self-preservation is legitimately threatened, either physically or emotionally. In that case, the most loving thing might be to pull the plug on the relationship, for a season at least, until the other person does what they need to do to make the relationship a safe place. Have you had to pull the plug on a relationship?

Or have you risked pursuing connection, rather than distance, and come through the other side? When two people decide they value their connection with each other over their urge to protect themselves, it can be a beautiful thing. Have you experienced such a restoration?

Tell us your story in the comments; it will help inspire others. And please share this post if it will bless others.