How to Engage Emotionally Triggered People without Getting Skewered

With the overturn of Roe v. Wade, our culture is in an emotionally volatile season right now. It can be scary, difficult, and even dangerous to jump into the conversation. But we must. We have the life-giving truth that sets people free. God has called us to such a time as this (Esther 4:14). We have the truth the culture is so desperate for, even as they are openly hostile toward it.

“Silence does not interpret itself.” – Father Frank Pavone, Priests for Life

So many people are being triggered right now. There’s a lot of anger, vitriol, and animosity out there. How can a Christian bring God’s truth to such an emotionally volatile environment without getting skewered? Is it even possible to engage emotionally triggered people in a way that’s actually helpful, instead of just pouring more gasoline on the fire?

Yes it is. But there are 5 important things we need to know in order to bring God’s truth in the middle of this chaos.

1) How the Brain Works

We need to understand the brain science behind where the other person is right now. Here is a 90-second video of a simple hand-brain model that explains it.

Their rational brain is off-line. While they are in their emotional brain, you can’t make a logical argument right now because their logic center isn’t online to hear it. So save your breath. Don’t take the bait and get sucked into an unproductive argument.

Instead, we need to slow them down so their prefrontal cortex (the logical thinking part of the brain) can come back online. Do the next 2 things. When you get good at them, they are invaluable in pivoting a hostile argument into a respectful conversation.

2) Let Them Win by Finding Common Ground

What?!? Let them win?!? Are you crazy?!? They’re wrong!!! Here’s the deal. Most people, especially when emotionally spun-up, are in the argument to win it. All of their energy and focus is directed into getting you to say they’re right.

So say it. Find some common ground you can agree on, without lying. Compliment them on it, no matter how irrelevant or off-topic it seems. Here are some examples.

• I agree everyone should have control over their own body.
• Yeah, it’s unsettling when an issue that’s been settled for 50 years gets stirred up again, isn’t it?
• I understand how you could feel that way.
• I really respect your passion for this issue. I wish everyone cared about it as much as you do.

Now, instead of an opponent to be conquered in the battleground of an argument, you’ve become a partner in a conversation.

It’s hard to keep fighting when you’ve won. Your emotional brain chalks up a victory, and your rational brain slowly comes back online. So give them a victory. Find some common ground you can honestly agree with and compliment them for.

3) Ask Questions, Don’t Make Statements

To slow the other person down, ask questions, don’t make statements.

Statements, however kind and well thought out, just feed the emotional swirl, like throwing gasoline on the fire. But asking questions makes them stop, pause, and think. They need their rational brain to answer a question. So by asking questions, you’re inviting their rational brain to come back online.

Here are some examples:

• Is it an injustice to withhold from others privileges that we’ve been given?
• Do we owe others the privilege of being born?
• Is it justice to punish the innocent for the guilty?
• Would it be social justice to help women who want to keep their babies financially by giving them equipment, diapers, formula, parenting resources, and rent money?
• Is it an injustice for a woman to be coerced into an abortion she doesn’t want?

Asking questions gets them out of combat mode and into co-operative mode, so you can have a conversation instead of an argument.

Learning to ask the right questions is the key. Don’t just fire off something by rote. Listen to them and ask the Holy Spirit for the right question that will slow them down.

4) Frame It as a Justice Issue

My baby-boomer generation, in many ways, is given over to seeking happiness, materialism, and pleasure. I can’t tell you how often I’ve heard my peers say, “I just want my children to be happy.” I want to smack them! Too many boomers sacrifice truth and righteousness for comfort and ease.

Today’s younger generation does not have that failing. God has put justice deep in their hearts. Young people today are a justice generation. By framing your question as a justice issue, you can disrupt the narrative they’ve been taught to parrot and invite them to think about it differently. The questions above are examples of how to do this.

Frame your point as a question about a justice issue.

I understand “framing something a certain way” can sound manipulative, and it can be. It depends if you’re lying or not. You can argue abortion is the largest justice issue of our day. We have to stop killing our children. So truthfully framing a pro-life discussion in this way isn’t manipulative, it’s wisdom.

5) Know Your Job

It’s not our job to win the argument. Our job is to:

• Slow them down.
• Invite them to think a thought they haven’t thought before.
• Give the Holy Spirit space to work.

Then, even if they may not agree up-front, as they ruminate on what you’ve said, the Holy Spirit will speak to their heart.

The world is so desperate for the truth we have. But at the same time, they are very hostile toward it. Understanding these 5 things can help us partner with the Holy Spirit, engaging the culture in a way they can receive, while still protecting our heart.

Your Turn

What do you think? Have you had success bringing someone out of “fight mode” into a respectful conversation? How did you do that? Tell us your story in the comments, and please share this post if it would bless others.

One last thing. Janet and I do post-abortive healing recovery ministry in a safe, judgement-free, no-condemnation environment. If you’re post-abortive, both women and men, God has so much healing, mercy, and forgiveness for you. Please reach out to us at dave@IdentityInWholeness.com or janet@IdentityInWholeness.com.