How to Be Honest without Being Mean

Can we be honest without being mean? Our churches have taught us to be “good” people. To be nice. To be kind. And that’s good – kindness is a fruit of the spirit, after all (Galatians 5:22-23). The problem is, with too many churches, it stops right there. Be nice. Be affirming. Don’t rock the boat.

We’ve all been taught in church how to be nice. But we’ve not been taught how to be honest.

We’ve been taught how to be Nice. But we’ve not been taught how to be Honest.

No one wants to hurt someone’s feelings. No one wants to have a difficult and possibly painful conversation. No one wants to be the one to address someone else’s blind spot. But sometimes that’s the greatest gift we can give.

There’s a right way and a wrong way to be honest with people. It’s not enough to be honest. We need to be honest the right way if the truth we bring is going to be effective.

Here are 3 essential steps to being honest without being mean. If you follow these steps, they‘ll go a long way to making the honest truth you have to share effective, and bring life to the other person.

1) Have A Relationship

Truth has to be given in the context of relationship.

You can only bring Truth to the level you have Relationship.

The Kingdom way is love first, truth second. That’s why Jesus could tell the woman caught in adultery, “Neither do I condemn you. Go and sin no more.” (John 8:11)

There are a couple common ways we get this wrong.

“Truth First” is the bane of social media. A troll’s nasty comment, no matter how true, never changed anyone’s life. There’s no relationship there. The troll posting the comment has completely forgotten there’s a person on the other end of that screen. Their goal is to be right, to win, not to connect. And it’s a complete waste of everyone’s time.

“Love Only” is a lie of the enemy, and is epidemic in our culture. It is actually unloving not to be honest with someone about negative things they need to hear.

People won’t receive what you have to say unless you are stewarding their heart well. If you don’t have their trust, they won’t receive your truth.

2) Ask Permission

What would you think if someone asked you, “Can I give you the gift of telling you what no one else will? This gift may be hurtful, but it is rare. It will benefit if you take advantage of it.”

How would you respond? My first thought is, It depends on who’s asking. See point #1 above.

Honor their choices – to Listen (or not) and to Act (or not).

Don’t just barge in, guns a-blazing, and tell the person, “I need to talk to you!” Their defenses instantly go up, and it’s going to be hard to get anywhere. Ask “Can we talk?” Then honor their choice.

3) Come Around to Their Side of the Table

Healthy communication isn’t about winning, it’s about connection. Something in their behavior is interfering with your relationship, the connection between the two of you.

Truth is best served as an Affirmation Sandwich.

If you start the conversation with the negative thing you need to say, you’re setting up the conversation like a debate, an argument with a big conference table in the middle. In this unhealthy setup, each person’s goal is to get the other to say, “I’m sorry, you’re right.” And each person knows if they say that, they lose.

The other person is probably expecting this kind of verbal competition. Their defenses are up. There’s tension in the room. But you can reframe the whole conversation by metaphorically “coming around to their side of the conference table.”

There are several ways you can do this. Thank them for something. Compliment them. Honor them. No matter what’s going on, they are a wounded person, not the devil incarnate. Find something good you can honestly compliment or thank them for, even if it’s just how nice they look today.

If the behavior you’re addressing is egregious, if you’re having trouble coming up with anything positive, ask the Holy Spirit beforehand. God is totally into healthy, honest, communication. Ask the Holy Spirit to bring to your mind right now something positive about this person you can say to break the tension.

Then repeat it after you’re done before leaving. Start and end with some kind of honest affirmation of the other person. This is showing them that you really are on their side, you’re not just trying to get one up on them. It shows them you really do care about them, you’re trying to steward their heart well, not just trying to win.

Template for Honest Communication

So what do you actually say? Put what you’re saying in this form:

“When you do this (or when this happens), I feel like _____, and I need to feel like _____. Can you please do this instead?”

Some examples:

• “When you called out my mistake in front of everyone in the staff meeting, I felt embarrassed, and I need to feel respected. Can you please come to me in private if I’ve made a mistake?”
• “When you drive that fast around these curves, I feel scared and I need to feel safe. Can you please slow down?”
• “When you invite someone over for dinner without asking me first, I feel stressed, panicky, and discounted. I need to feel like my schedule and constraints matter. Can you please ask me first?”
• “When you buy something over $200 on a whim, I feel like a second-class citizen who now has to scramble to make ends meet. I need to feel like my priorities matter to you. Can we please make financial decisions like that together?”

If you can use this model (thank you Danny Silk), it will go a long way toward removing the argumentative component of the conversation. No one can argue with how you feel.

This is a non-threatening way to present a problem in your relationship. You’re not trying to control the other person’s behavior. You’re inviting them into a deeper connection with you by modifying something in their behavior that is damaging your connection.

Then they have a choice. They can change their behavior or not. And, if not, you have a choice. Are you going to accept their behavior, ask again, or do something differently that mitigates the negative consequence to you?

Or it might lead to a discussion. Maybe they say, “No, I’m sorry, I can’t do that, but I can do this.” And maybe that’s something you hadn’t thought of. Maybe the two of you reach a reasonable compromise that protects both of your hearts and preserves your connection.

That’s the stuff healthy, strong relationships walk through.

Your Turn

Do you avoid conflict? Do you think this post is helpful? Have you learned to be honest without being mean? Tell us your story and your thoughts in the comments. And please share this post if it would bless others.