How to Balance Family and Ministry with 3 Questions

I’ve seen a lot of questions recently from people, particularly men, trying to sort out balancing ministry and family. Questions like:

• “Should I go to my kid’s soccer game or go to the men’s breakfast?”
• “Should I miss the school play because it’s on a Wednesday church night?”
• “Shouldn’t my life be a witness to them that God is more important?”

These questions come from a false dichotomy – having to choose either family or ministry. But that’s a false choice. Family is ministry.

Every Relationship Is a Ministry.

The hardest choices are choosing between good things. For me, as a general guideline, I set my priorities as follows, and I believe this is Biblical:

1. Ministry to Jesus himself (time spent and direct obedience)
2. Spouse
3. Kids
4. Extended family (including parents)
5. Other relationships
6. Church and other “ministry” activities

The sticky wicket is that first one. Ministry to Jesus means spending time with him, just you and him. But it also means obeying what he’s told you directly in your heart, even if no one else understands it, gets it, or is mad about it.

Yes, Jesus first. Always. But church is not Jesus. Your family is as much a ministry as church activities are.

Every Relationship Is a Ministry.

In general, when there’s a conflict between healthy family needs and church/ministry needs, choose your family. Every. Time.

Unless Jesus has directly, individually, spoken to you and you know in your heart that he’s directing you otherwise.

Here are wrong reasons to prioritize church over healthy family needs:

• For principle’s sake.
• To show them how important God is.
• To do the “right” thing.
• I get my value from doing ministry.

The only valid reasons to prioritize church over family:

• You know in your heart Jesus is directly calling you to.
• The family needs are not spiritually healthy, but are narcissistic in nature.

Healthy Family Needs over Church Activities Every Time

This may be controversial in some circles, and you’re free to disagree with me. But I firmly believe the needs of your spouse and family come before church ministry. And I’m taking for granted here that we’re talking about healthy and reasonable needs, not narcissistic needs.

For example, if your husband doesn’t want you to go to church at all, that’s not a healthy need. Go to church. But if your husband feels abandoned because you’re at church 4 nights a week, he might have a point.

3 Questions to Help You Prioritize

Here are three questions to ask yourself in trying to decide what to prioritize. Let’s take the example of deciding whether to go to your son’s soccer game or the men’s breakfast at church.

(1) Which relationship do you have the most influence in? You have infinitely more influence in your relationship with your child than with anyone in the men’s group. Go to the soccer game.

(2) Who will be hurt the most? No one in the men’s group will be legitimately hurt because you’re not there, and most will not even notice. In fact, by the next men’s breakfast, most people won’t even remember whether you were there or not. But your son could be deeply hurt by you missing his game and carry that scar for years. Go to the soccer game.

(3) What message are you sending? If you go to the soccer game, you send the men’s group the message, “My family is important.” That’s a Biblical message. But what message are you sending to your son if you miss his game?

If you miss the game, maybe you think you’re sending the message, “God is the most important thing in life.” You’re not. You’re really sending the message, “You aren’t important.” And that message could stick with him for years, reinforcing lies the enemy is (or will) tell him about his self-worth.

By your actions, not your words, you are telling your son how God views him. Let your actions tell the truth about his importance to God. Go to the soccer game.

Every Relationship Is a Ministry.

In the rarity that you go to the men’s breakfast over your son’s soccer game, let it be because you know in your heart that God is directly leading you to, individually and specifically in this instance, not based on some intellectual or theological principle or your own unredeemed performance orientation.

What about Jesus’ Mother and Brothers in Mark 3?

This story is related in Matthew 12, Mark 3, and Luke 8. Let’s look at Mark 3 because there’s a bit more detail recorded there. In Mark 3:31-35, Jesus is told his mother and his brothers want to speak to him. He appears to blow them off by saying, “Who are my mother and brothers? Whoever does God’s will is my brother and sister and mother.”

This story is often misused by clergy (who are building their own empire rather than the Kingdom, don’t get me started) to manipulate church ministry over people’s healthy family needs.

But look back in Mark 3:20-21: Then Jesus entered a house, and again a crowd gathered, so that he and his disciples were not even able to eat. When his family heard about this, they went to take charge of him, for they said, “He is out of his mind.”

They came to stop him from embarrassing the family. In this instance, they were proactively opposing his calling. So yes, in this instance, Jesus correctly prioritized what he knew God put in his heart to do over his family.

He didn’t do it based on some vague intellectual or theological “principle.” He didn’t do it based on some verse he misapplied from the Old Testament. He did it because they were opposing the calling God put in his heart.

Your calling, not your church, counts as direct ministry to Jesus.

If family needs conflict with your calling, what you know in your heart the Holy Spirit is individually and specifically calling and directing you to do, then prioritize your calling. Every Time.

But unless you have that individual specific, direct leading in your heart, prioritize your family. Every. Time.

If it’s a tie, or you aren’t sure, prioritize your family (assuming healthy needs, not narcissistic ones). Because your family counts as ministry. If God is really calling you to choose otherwise, it won’t go away; it’ll get stronger.

Your Turn

What do you think about all this? This is a hard topic. Have you faced this in your own life? How did you resolve it? Has your view on this changed over time? Or are you facing this now? Tell us your story and your thoughts in the comments. Let’s start a healthy discussion. And please share this post on social media if it will bless others.