The One Healthy Goal of Relationship (and Two Unhealthy Goals)

We all yearn for relationships. God, as the Trinity (Father, Son, and Holy Spirit), is in relationship within himself. And we were created in God’s image (Genesis 1:26-27). So we were created specifically for relationships, with God and with each other. We are hard-wired by God to need relationships. We can’t be healthy without them. But in our wounding in this fallen world, we often pursue them with unhealthy goals.

Specifically, there are two unhealthy goals, and one healthy goal, that we’re going to unpack in this post.

Unhealthy Goal #1: Relationship Is Not about the Thrill

A relationship, especially a romantic one and especially at first, can be thrilling. And it should be. It can be exhilarating, and it should be. That’s all good. There’s nothing wrong with enjoying the thrill and the goose bumps and all that.

But that’s not a healthy goal. Because over time, the thrill subsides. The Law of Diminishing Returns sets in. Over time, we need a bigger and more intense stimulus to achieve the same level of thrill.

The Law of Diminishing Returns: Over time, we need a more intense stimulus to achieve the same thrill.

Diminishing returns is what traps addicts. Whether it’s drugs, alcohol, porn, unmarried sex, or affairs after marriage, we need a bigger hit of our “drug of choice” to get the same thrill we did at first.

Remember the first baby roller-coaster you went on as a child? You thought it was amazing! But now as an adult, you’re like, “Wake me up when it’s over.” As a society, we’re always pursuing the next big thrill, whether it’s a new level of special-effects in movies, or the next, more extreme roller-coaster.

Which is fine for movies and roller-coasters. But when we approach relationships like that, we objectify people and treat them as disposable. And that’s not ok.

Do you approach your relationships with a roller-coaster mindset?

Or have you been thrown away like yesterday’s trash because someone else was just into you for the thrill? You deserve more.

Unhealthy Goal #2: Relationship Is Not about Transaction

Yes, all relationships have a transactional bank account. (I talk more about that here, The Secret to Repairing a Relationship You’ve Damaged.) And we all get transactional benefits from healthy relationships. We should. That’s all well and good.

But “what I’m getting out of it” is not a healthy goal. That objectifies people that we throw away when they no longer hold up their end of the unwritten contract.

Do you approach your relationships with a transactional mindset?

Or have you been thrown away because someone else’s risk-benefit analysis was no longer in your favor? You deserve more.

The Healthy Goal: Relationship Is about Connection

People who have relationships that last approach them with a connection mindset.

When the thrill of a new relationship subsides, and when we don’t feel like we’re getting any transactional benefit out of it, that’s when we’re invited into a deeper, much more satisfying goal: Connection.

Although we do, and should, get thrills and benefits from relationships, healthy people don’t pursue relationships for those reasons. Those are byproducts of a healthy relationship, not goals. The goal is Connection with the other person.

How Do We Approach God?

Too often, we approach God with either a roller-coaster mindset or a transactional mindset.

The roller-coaster mindset comes to God for the thrill, to experience the miraculous. The sticky wicket is, experiencing the miraculous is thrilling. And God does miraculous stuff. But if that becomes our goal, instead of connection with him, then we’ve made the experience into an idol.

Neither should we come to God with a transactional mindset. I recently read an article where a pastor, who shall remain nameless, said this:

“Holy worship is far more than a theological lecture. It’s gathering to receive Christ’s forgiveness, life and salvation.” I want to pick a fight with this quote.

While that quote sounds good on the surface, I want to pick a fight with it. That’s a transactional mindset.

Yes, we desperately all need Christ’s forgiveness, his life, and his salvation. But that’s not why we gather. We spend time with him, both corporately at church and privately, to connect with him at a heart level. And all those good things, forgiveness, life, salvation, gifts, healing, are all byproducts of our connection.

The goal is not intellectual understanding, although we will gain knowledge, wisdom, and understanding through our connection with him. The goal is not emotional experience, although we will have emotional experiences through our connection with him.

If we’re not growing in wisdom, or we aren’t having any emotional experience with him, then our connection with him is weak, if it exists at all. If this is you, congratulations! You’ve discovered an area God wants to bless you in. He’s inviting you into a new and deeper connection with him. Tell him you accept. Ask him to take you there.

Is your goal in approaching God connection?

Your Turn

Is this post landing for you? Are you realizing you approach your relationships with either a roller-coaster or transactional mentality? Or have you been thrown away like yesterday’s trash because someone else did? Tell us your story in the comments, or reach out to us privately. And please share this post if it would bless others.