How to Escape the Abnormal Normal

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It happens to all of us. We all grow up in a household, our family of origin. Every family has different strengths and weaknesses. Even if our brains know better, how we grew up is all our hearts know. Good or bad, how we grew up is what our hearts think is normal.

There are no perfect parents, though some are more wounded and deceived than others. That’s not the child’s fault. It‘s not your fault (or your credit) how you were raised.

“Good” parents and “bad” parents are a myth. All parents did something right. They at least conceived you, and yes, that was a good thing! Many parents love their children but don’t know how to express it, thinking their child knows when the child doesn’t and desperately needs that overt affirmation.

Being a parent is not a binary “good” or “bad” thing. It’s a continuous gradient. All parents could’ve done some things better and could’ve done some things a lot worse. I’m not making excuses for our parents, but it’s not about blaming them either.

The point is we all have things in our upbringing we accept as normal without even thinking to question them. But they aren’t normal. For example:

  • Maybe we weren’t loved unless we performed, so we think our value comes from what we do.
  • Maybe the family’s image was more important than we were, so we believe how we look on the outside is more important than our heart motivation on the inside.
  • Maybe our family members all lied so we think that’s normal. It’s just want you do.
  • Maybe there wasn’t proper respect in the home, so we don’t respect authority and have a hard time taking direction from our employer.
  • Maybe our parents were emotionally disconnected from us out of their own wounding, so we vowed we’d take care of ourselves. We don’t let anyone come close.
  • Maybe we were abused, physically, emotionally, and/or verbally, and now we’re the abusers. We hate it but don’t know any other way to act.
  • Maybe in your family children were possessions to be managed, rather than blessings to be stewarded. Many millennials raise their families in this trap.

We may not have liked it, but we grew up this way. Doesn’t everyone?

Our family’s abnormal dysfunction becomes our plumb line for what’s “normal.” It’s what we gravitate to in our relationships. We gravitate to others who meet our expectation. We think everyone’s this way. We confuse “common” with “normal.” But something being common does not make it normal.

So often we hate aspects of how we were raised, but we don’t know any other way to live. So we continue the cycle with our own kids, handing down the dysfunction generation after generation.

Is there a way to break out of the cycle? Yes! The good news is Jesus died on a cross so we could break out of this cycle. He came to set us free, reconciling us to God and to each other. There is another way to live.

So how do we break out of the mold? Here are five practical steps to escape the abnormal normal we grew up with.

1) Want more. We have to be dissatisfied with our current situation. We have to hate our own sin enough to want to change. Sometimes God’s greatest gift to us is a life-crash. Something happens in our life where we can no longer deny that (a) a problem exists, and (b) it’s our problem.

You do not have to live stuck. That’s a choice you make. I absolutely hate it when I hear people say, “Oh, well, that’s just the way I am.”

  • “I’m overweight and always will be. I’m just big-boned.” (There’s no such thing, BTW.)
  • “I smoke/drink/dope. That’s just what I do.”
  • “I’m just not a patient person.” (And they say it like it’s a badge.)

No, that’s not just the way you are! That’s the way you’re choosing to be. You can make another choice if you decide you want to.

2) Renounce the benefit. The problem is, the dysfunction is giving us a benefit. We have to come to the place where we hate our sin more than we love the benefit. Sometimes our life getting worse and worse is actually God, in his great love and mercy for us, turning up the heat to bring us to that point.

A man came for prayer ministry because he couldn’t control his anger directed at his family. The prayer minister asked him what the benefit was. The conversation went like this:

“There’s no benefit to my behavior! I’m destroying my family!”

“There is a benefit you’re reaping, or you wouldn’t be acting like this. Let’s pray and ask the Holy Spirit what the benefit is. Then listen to your heart.”

After they prayed and waited, the man said, “You know what? There is a benefit. When I’m angry, I don’t feel the pain. And it prevents people from getting close enough to hurt me.” Bingo.

3) Be teachable. This means owning the problem. We do not have to be a slave to how we were raised. We can make a different choice.

That’s what grace is all about. Grace is not just about covering our sins. Yes, it does that, and that’s wonderful. Our past no longer haunts us. But if we still live in the muck Jesus died to set us free from, we’re wasting his grace.

Grace does so much more than take away our sins. It empowers us to live without them. It empowers us to live free. But living in freedom is a learned skill. We have to learn another way of living. We have to learn to not default to the old, comfortable dysfunction.

Positive change happens when we stop blaming everyone else and decide to change ourselves. The change other people need is on them. Be the change you want to see in your own life. The only way to learn to do that is to be willing to learn.

4) Find a healthy coach. Whether it’s a counselor, a pastor, or a best friend, go through the journey with someone else to encourage you onward with wisdom and unconditional acceptance when it gets hard. And it will get hard. Everything worthwhile does.

A healthy coach will not try to fix you. And that’s what you want, a coach not a rescuer. A healthy coach gives wise advice, but their sense of well-being is not threatened if you don’t take it. They leave that on you.

For example, youth today are yearning to be mentored by the older generation without being controlled. They want to be healed, not fixed.

5) Don’t give up. If you don’t give up, you win. Eventually. You didn’t get into this situation overnight; you won’t get out overnight. Life is a marathon, not a sprint.

In our microwave culture, we want it fast and we want it now. But real, lasting, fulfilling, life-change often doesn’t happen that way. It’s a slow, simmering process. God, in his great love and mercy for us, only gives us as much healing as we can handle at a time. So we have to be in this for the long haul.

Does this resonate? Where are you in this cycle? What made the difference? Tell us your story in the comments, and please share if this would bless someone else.

How to have Victory over Shame

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The most secretive prison in the world isn’t in some subbasement of some 1960s era non-descript government building in some closed dictatorial regime. But it is the most populated prison in the world. “Wait a minute, that doesn’t even make sense!” you say. “How do you keep the largest prison in the world secretive?” Put it in the human heart. Outwardly we justify our sin while we inwardly hate ourselves for practicing it. So often we live in the secret prison of shame. The good news is we can have total victory over shame.

Every human being is affected by shame to some degree. It robs us of who we really are. It sets our life on a trajectory of desperately trying in vain to numb its pain.

  • We medicate it, because the pain of the addiction hurts less.
  • We feed it, foolishly believing the shame from the last failed relationship will be healed by the next one.
  • We pretend it doesn’t exist. If I act like I’m fine long enough, maybe I’ll actually believe it myself.

None of it works. All our coping methods just add more shame.

But there’s good news. There is something that will work. Or rather, someone that will work. But to understand the victory, we first need to understand the problem. What really is shame, anyway?

Shame is not guilt. There’s a subtle but important difference between guilt and shame.

Guilt, or conviction, is what the Holy Spirit gives us, because he loves us. It’s a gift from God. He’s correcting our sinful behavior because (1) it’s self-destructive, and (2) it interferes with our relationship with him. Guilt says, “I did something wrong.” And often that’s true.

Shame, on the other hand, is not from God, but rather is Satan’s perversion of godly guilt. Shame says, “I am something wrong.” That is so totally not true. That’s a lie. Shame is a liar.

Shame is the false belief that I am uniquely and fatally flawed. (Kudos to Restoring the Foundations Ministry for this definition). There are three fundamental lies of shame.

  1. “I am flawed.” There’s something wrong with me. I can’t let anyone see. I live in the fear that someone somewhere will find out my secret. I’d better keep them at a distance.
  2. “I am uniquely flawed.” No one is as bad as me. I am the only one with this problem. If they really knew how bad I am, they would hate me like I hate me.
  3. “I am fatally flawed.” I can’t be fixed. My flaws are permanent; it’s just the way I am. The best I can do is hide it and control the situation (and everyone else) so no one ever finds out.

Shame holds so many people, even Christians, in prison, keeping them from living out their true identity, or often even knowing what it is. Yes, Christians are forgiven, but so often we’re not healed. This is why we struggle with divorce and addictions and legalism just like the world does.

But there’s good news. We can have victory over shame. His name is Jesus, and he’s made a way.

Shame’s power over us is really just a house of cards because it’s built on lies. The truth of God’s word blows it away.

Each of shame’s three lies described above get smashed to pieces by the Word of God. We have victory over shame when we choose to replace its lies with God’s truth:

  1. I’m not something wrong.
    • I was made in God’s own image (Genesis 1:27).
    • I have been made a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17).
    • God loves me apart from what I do (Ephesians 1:3-14).
  2. I’m not uniquely flawed; I’m not the only one like this.
    • No temptation has seized me but that which is common to mankind (1 Corinthians 10:13).
  3. I am not fatally flawed. My sin is not bigger or more powerful than Jesus’ blood.
    • Jesus’ blood is bigger and stronger than any and all of my sin, and by his stripes I am healed (Isaiah 53:5, Romans 6:10, Hebrews 9:28, 1 Peter 3:18).

That’s why Jesus said, “You will know the truth and the truth will set you free” (John 8:32).

The question is, Who are you going to believe? God or your shame? When shame brings up your past, agree with it and add, “Yes, that’s why I have a Savior!” When we speak (out loud) God’s truth over ourselves instead of the lies of shame, shame disappears in a puff of grace. Jesus is so there.

Victory over shame opens up a whole new adventure to us—the life God created us to live and Jesus died to restore. I can’t wait to see what God does in your life. And in mine. Shall we take the plunge?

Have you been down this road? Does this resonate with you? Tell us in the comments, and please share on social media if you think this would bless someone else.

How to Get Unstuck

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Are you stuck? We all get stuck at some point. Is it an addiction you just can’t lick? Is it depression that just won’t end? Is it a mid-life crisis, realizing you’ve ended up with some boring, dead-up life and your dreams have all but vanished? Feel like you just can’t get there from here? I’ve been stuck. This post is a plan for getting unstuck.

Here’s how you get unstuck. Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life (John 14:6), and he is the path for getting unstuck. I know that sounds all Christian Happy Quippy, like those trite and insincere things we say to each other on Sunday mornings. Don’t bounce to another web page, hang with me here a minute. There’s a very practical path hidden in that verse that we’re going to unpack in this post. So read on, Precious Stuck One, for the path to freedom.

1) Jesus is the way.

This is where it starts. Commitment on our part. Jesus is already committed to walk this path with us. He’s sacrificed his life. He’s uber-invested in your freedom. Are you as invested in your own freedom as he is?

We think we are, but are we really? Are we committed to the freedom Jesus wants for us, or only to freedom on our terms? Are we committed to success that’s easy, convenient, doesn’t hurt, and doesn’t violate our rights? Sometimes we’re comfortable with our bondage.

Are we willing to sacrifice for success on his terms? His success comes through painful perseverance, long suffering, laying down our rights, and dying to ourselves. Are we willing? His success is hard fought, but it’s much more satisfying, and it comes with a calling and an authority. We have authority over what we’ve been delivered from.

2) Jesus is the truth.

If we’re going to get unstuck, we need to be friends with the truth. The truth is often not politically correct, comfortable, safe, or easy. But it is good, and it is true. It’s time to agree with God’s truth.

When the culture (or our desires) clash with what God’s revealed in his word, we have to let God win every time. For example:

The culture says you can sleep with anyone, any time. But we wait for marriage, because:

Do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. (1 Corinthians 6:9-10 NIV)

The culture says we’re a cosmic accident. But we believe we’re intentionally designed by God, because:

You created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. (Psalm 139:13-16 NIV)

The culture says you can change your gender and your race. But we don’t recreate ourselves and decide who we want to be. That’s actually spiritual rebellion. We discover who God’s made us to be, because:

What sorrow awaits those who argue with their Creator. Does a clay pot argue with its maker? Does the clay dispute with the one who shapes it, saying, “Stop, you’re doing it wrong!” Does the pot exclaim, “How clumsy can you be?” How terrible it would be if a newborn baby said to its father, “Why was I born?” or if it said to its mother, “Why did you make me this way?” (Isaiah 45:9-10 NLT)

The culture says we have to earn our value and the right to be loved. But we know we have intrinsic value. Just because we exist, God loves us, because:

God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (Romans 5:8)

The culture says we can terminate a pregnancy if it’s inconvenient. But we trust God and walk with him through the pain of single parenthood, because:

[God is] a father to the fatherless, a defender of widows. (Psalm 68:5a) [That totally includes single moms.]

The culture says anyone developing emotional problems after an abortion was weak to start with. But we speak the truth about trauma and offer God’s hope, healing, forgiveness, and acceptance to everyone who wants it, because:

He has sent me [Jesus] to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. (Isaiah 61:1b-3a)

The culture says to ship the illegal aliens back where they belong. But we do good to the foreigners and the aliens among us specifically to honor the Lord, because:

When a foreigner resides among you in your land, do not mistreat them. The foreigner residing among you must be treated as your native-born. Love them as yourself, for you were foreigners in Egypt. I am the Lord your God. (Leviticus 19:33-34)

God’s word needs to define our opinions. We take the word of God at face value, and we’re willing to change our minds.

3) Jesus is the life.

We live his adventure. He’s the breath in our lungs and the hope in our heart. He is the life we live. Our life revolves around him.

Jesus is our lifestyle. Are we living in the light of God’s truth? Or are we living in the culture’s comfortable lies? Are we committed to sexual purity in our lives, waiting for marriage, or have we rationalized a sinful lifestyle? Do we tithe and give generously, or do we live in fear with a scarcity mindset? Do we spend intimate time with the lover of our soul, Jesus our lover-king, or do we just throw him a bone and check the box on Sundays?

Is our life style bent around ourselves and our comfort, or around him and his truth? This isn’t legalism. This is passion. When you’re passionate for your lover, pleasing them is light and pleasurable. If we’re passionate for Jesus, we can’t live in a way that breaks his heart.

In the West, we like to compartmentalize everything. We have our family box, our work box, our entertainment box, our church box, and our God box. We like to think that as long as our God box is the most important box, God’s happy. But that’s totally not true! God does not want to be in the most important box. He wants to be the most important thing in every box.

You could say it this way. Jesus doesn’t want to be the most important thing in our lives. He wants to be the only thing. Coach Lombardi didn’t realize he was talking about Jesus when he made his famous quote, “Winning isn’t everything, it’s the only thing.” But he was. Jesus is Winning!

And the only way for us to win at life and get unstuck is to think so, too. When Jesus is everything, all the other things fall into place. Not that we won’t have problems, we will. Sometimes really painful, unexpected ones that hit us like a sledgehammer. But our focus isn’t on the problem, it’s on Jesus and figuring out what he’s doing in our lives through the problem. It’s about being real and honest with him, telling him the truth about our pain and accepting his joy in the middle of it.

So there’s the blueprint for freedom. Commit to Jesus the way, agree with Jesus the truth, and live Jesus as your lifestyle. The result is a deeper level of freedom and intimacy with him than you’ve ever known.

Does this resonate with you? Does it challenge you? What parts? Please share on social media and tell us what you think in the comments below. It’s time to hear from you.

How to Honor Someone Else’s Identity

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Most of you remember the free ebook I gave to our subscribers as a Christmas present, Midget: A Fable of Giant Inner Healing. I plan to sell it later this year on Amazon and wanted you, our subscribers, to have it first for free. (It’s available on the downloads page; click the “Free Stuff” link above.)

A friend pointed out that “midget” is a pejorative term among little people. So I emailed the LPA (Little People of America) and asked them (1) if that was so, and (2) for suggestions about how to fix it. I said I’m not averse to changing the title (and the name of the main character), but would prefer to include a disclaimer with their approved wording.

Cuquis Robledo, the Public Relations Director of Little People of America, sent me a very timely and polite response. She congratulated me on the ebook and thanked me for reaching out to them. I believe they were sincerely touched that I cared enough to ask.

They suggested a title change and a disclaimer educating people against using the word “midget” at all, which they call the “m-word.” The LPA is trying to remove usage of the word from our vocabulary in general; for example, working with the USDA to rename certain food products. I confess I originally thought this was a little extreme, but then I actually listened to them. I listened to why from their point-of-view. Here is what I learned.

The m-word was used in the Freak Show era to de-humanize little people. “Come see the bearded-lady! Come see the elephant man! Come see the midgets!” I think little people have a right to be angry over the use of this de-humanizing word. Working in post-abortive recovery, I feel the same anger when pro-abortion advocates de-humanize a child as a “fetus” or as a “product of conception.”

When my dad grew up in Oklahoma, Brazil nuts were called “n-word toes”. They didn’t mean anything bad by it, and my dad was not a racist. It was just the thing’s name as they were taught. But I think it’s good that today we no longer use that de-humanizing word. I never realized the m-word was in the same category, but it is.

So this is not about political correctness gone mad. This is about respecting real people and their identity. It’s about sensitivity to not hurting other people unnecessarily. (Yes, there are times when we need to say painful truth, but this isn’t one of them.)

Even if the term doesn’t hurt me, and I don’t think it should hurt them, the fact that it does hurt them should be enough for me to not use it. Especially a word that was used in the past to de-humanize them.

While there’s certainly no constitutional right to avoid offense, we as Christians answer to a higher authority. We can voluntarily choose to follow the moral compass Jesus laid out for us in, among other places, 1 Corinthians 13 and Matthew 25 (especially the sheep and the goats parable). We can choose to walk in love.

So, all that to say, I’m voluntarily changing the name of the ebook. The question is, To what? This is the exciting and fun part! This is where you come in. I’m asking for your help. What’s a good name? Here’s some guidance to think about:

  • The words “midget” and “giant” are clear opposites. In changing the title, I’ll also have to change the subtitle, “A Fable of Giant Inner Healing.” Help me also find a word for the subtitle that’s the opposite of the new name.
  • I veto “Dwarf” right out-of-the-gate because, with the popularity of LOTR, people will expect something quite different from an ebook called “Dwarf”.
  • It should be mildly disrespectful or snarky. When the “tall ones” call the main character by the m-word, they aren’t complementing him. They are limiting him and his identity. It was meant to be a mild put-down.
  • Ideally, it would still fit on the cover in a similar way.

So what are your ideas? Leave them in the comments! Let’s have fun with this!

To Be Right or to Be Jesus, that Is the Question

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“To be or not to be, that is the question,” asked Shakespeare through his character Hamlet, in the play by the same name. That’s probably both Hamlet’s and Shakespeare’s most famous line. But the question is incomplete. “To be or not to be WHAT?” What are we going to fall on our swords over? Being right or being Jesus?

When I was a teen, I was one opinionated bugger. Why shouldn’t I be? I thought. I’m right! And often I may even have been right, politically, morally, and spiritually. I was a Reagan-Republican, after all. I knew my Bible backwards and forwards. But I was missing something. In my self-righteousness, even when I got it right I missed the best. I so often missed Jesus’ heart.

If just being right is our goal, then we get really angry because everyone else is just so wrong. Just spend an afternoon on FaceBook and you’ll see what I mean. Being right, as an end in itself, isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. It takes a lot of energy arguing with all those people who just won’t get it, no matter how right we are. Maybe there’s a better way to change the world.

The Pharisees were totally right. Always, just ask them. They were conservatives who knew the Law, chapter and verse. They brought to Jesus a woman caught in adultery (John 8:3-11), who according to the Law of Moses should be stoned. That was the “right” thing to do. (BTW, adultery’s not a solitary crime. According to the Law of Moses, the man also should be stoned [Leviticus 20:10]. I guess they rationalized that bit away – first clue they missed something – selective application of the Law. Being all men, the Pharisee’s probably rationalized excusing the man.)

But, fortunately for us, Jesus isn’t after right. He’s after best. The best does not violate what’s right, it supersedes it. You know the story, Jesus saved the woman without violating the Law of Moses. We should, too.

Jesus talks about dying to ourselves. In fact, he says, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself, take up his cross daily and follow me” (Luke 9:23). But wait, that means denying my rights! That’s downright un-American. Was Jesus a communist or something?

No, but he’s after what’s best, not just what’s right, something better than what’s right. Sometimes, often, love means dying to our right to be right.

In high school, a certain bully was going to beat-up my friend Don. After successfully evading the bully one hot summer afternoon, Don drove past him walking home carrying a load of books under the hot sun. Don could’ve honked and waved as he drove by in his air-conditioned car. But he didn’t. He pulled over and offered the bully a ride.

No one was more surprised than the bully. The guy almost fell over. It took him a minute to realize the offer was genuine and Don wasn’t just goading him. “Why are you doing this? Why would give me a ride?”, asked one surprised bully.

“Because it looks like you need one,” my friend Don simply replied. The bully accepted, and they became close friends after that. (And nobody dared mess with Don again or the bully would pulverize them.)

My friend would’ve been within his rights to pass by the bully. But he correctly discerned the Kingdom of God had something better in mind.

This doesn’t mean we don’t hold people accountable when necessary. It’s actually love to hold criminals and abusers and narcissists accountable (1) to prevent future victims, and (2) so they have the opportunity to get help (if they don’t take the opportunity, that’s on them). It’s also love to discipline our children.

But in the common everyday stuff of life, mercy triumphs over judgement (James 2:13). The best triumphs over the right.

What about you? Does this resonate? Have you shown mercy and had it be better than the “right” would’ve been? Or have you had someone show you mercy when you didn’t deserve it? Tell us your story in the comments, and please share if you think this post would bless someone else.

Why New Year Is in the Dead of Winter

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It’s fascinating to me that our New Year here in the West occurs in the dead of Winter. I know other cultures’ New Year occurs at different times of the year, and that’s great. I’m sure God is speaking to all cultures with the timing of their New Year celebration, but I’m only qualified to write about my own culture. What is God saying to us in the West?

Wouldn’t it make more sense for the New Year to be at the start of Spring, when everything’s budding and coming back to life? Maybe in some cultures it is; what an awesome time that must be. But God worked through our history to make our New Year when all the leaves are off the trees and everything’s dead. Why do you suppose that is?

I’ve heard a pastor say that leaves don’t actually change color in Fall. They reveal the true color they actually are when not getting overridden by all that green chlorophyll. The point he was making is, in the Autumn of your life, your true colors will show.

What are your hidden colors? Do they reflect the grace and healing of God’s empowerment in your life, or do they still reflect your wounding?

There’s nothing wrong, by the way, with being in a place of wounding. Acknowledging where you’re at is the first step to get healing. Run to God in those times, not away from him. The problem comes when we run away from God and to our chlorophyll of choice to hide our wounded colors, in our own strength.

What is your chlorophyll of choice? Control? Addiction? Entitlement? Performance? (Personally, I’m really good at performance, more about that later.)

Have you ever wondered why we don’t go straight from Fall to Spring? After all, why can’t the new leaves just push out the old? Why do we have to go through a cold, bare-root season first? Why do we have to get stripped down to nothing? Maybe there’s something necessary going on inside the trunk of the tree that’s getting ready for Spring. Maybe Spring couldn’t come without this time of preparation.

What happens when circumstances and struggles reveal our wounding and our chlorophyll of choice stops working? What happens when all the leaves are off the trees of our lives? Maybe when we’re stripped down to the bare trunk, maybe that’s when we hear God best. Maybe because then we have to and we don’t have any other choice. Maybe out of his great love and mercy for us, he’s stripped away everything that distracted us from his voice.

I think God considers that place the beginning. That’s where his New Year starts. Because when all the outside is stripped away, there’s nothing left but to work on the heart. And that’s what he’s always wanted, to heal our wounding and give us a new heart.

“I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.” (Ezekiel 36:26)

I’m up for that. My hidden colors were worthlessness and rejection. The lie I believed was, “I am unlovable.” My chlorophyll of choice was being nice, being a servant to all. Dying to myself, literally, to a fault. My bitter root expectation was, “You’re going to reject me. So I’m not going to give you a reason. I’m going to be as lovable as possible, so that when (not if) you reject me, it’s on you.” We call this performance orientation, and I got really good at it, unfortunately.

God had to take me through a bare-root, cold Winter season. He had to strip away all the false leaves and false colors I used to protect my heart, in order to take that structure of lies and inner vows and bitter root expectations down.

Ironically, it’s when I started coming out of those lies that all disaster broke loose. My family fell apart and disintegrated. It hurt. But it was a season. It was only a season (a long season, several years), and I’m coming through it now. Sometimes the enemy’s greatest deception is to trick us into believing the painful season we’re in is forever, which brings desperation and despair. It’s not forever. It’s only a season. Trusting God brings hope through the pain.

He’s still working on me, but I’ve come a long way. He’s brought me into a fresh, bright Spring the last few years. He’s restored relationships I thought would never be restored, while others I still wait for. And he’s using his chlorophyll to work his colors into me.

How about you? What season are you in, here at the turn of the New Year? Tell us in the comments. If you’re in a cold, Winter, bare-root season, we’d love to pray with you. If you’ve come through such a season, please share your story; it will encourage others. And please share on social media if you think this post would bless others.

Photo by Kari Shea on Unsplash

Give Yourself the Gift of Not about You

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The Christmas rush. Do I have all the presents? All the food? Are all the decorations done? I hate the crowds, the lines, the traffic, because when I’m scampering to get my last-minute presents, they’re in the way of accomplishing my goal. I do commando shopping: get in, get the target, get out. My focus is on my objective. And that’s my problem. It’s all about me.

My best shopping trips are when I go into the store intentionally focused on making someone else’s day better. Determined to be Jesus to someone, I look for that grumpy face that’s forgotten it needs to smile. I have to be uber-intentional about it or it won’t happen. As an introvert, I can easily and happily slip in and slip out without talking to anyone and be quite happy about it. But I sense the Holy Spirit has a different agenda.

I’ve seen grumpy store clerks completely change their demeanor when I just said something nice to them that built them up, instead of tearing them down (2 Corinthians 10:8). I try to say something both empathic and complimentary. Like how hard it must be to be nice to inconsiderate shoppers all day, and what a good job they do at it. Like how they’re the unsung heroes of Christmas, and we really do appreciate them. Sometimes I apologize for taking them for granted.

It always gets me a smile. That’s become my new objective – to get a smile out of someone who looks stressed, to make someone else’s day. And that’s the best gift I buy for myself at the store – the gift of making it not about me. Best of all, it doesn’t cost me anything but a little intentionality.

I don’t think Jesus is frustrated by the crowds, the lines, or the traffic. But I don’t think about what Jesus thinks about often enough. I look at the crowds and see obstacles. He sees opportunities. He yearns to be with them, while I just want to avoid them. He has compassion on them because they are harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd (Matthew 9:36).

Yes, Christmas is about the Father giving us his son. Jesus came to give us his life for our salvation, so we could have abundant life (John 10:10). But that’s only the beginning. He also came to give us his heart so that life would be worth living, by serving others (that’s the “abundant” part).

So, when you run out in a panic to get that last-minute thing, celebrate Christmas’ abundance by going out of your way to make someone else’s day.

Does this resonate? Can you relate? Tell us your story in the comments. And please share on social media if you think this would make someone else’s day. Merry Christmas!

How to Be Hopeful without Being Impatient

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We all hate to wait. We live in a culture where we want the microwave to cook faster. And often we treat our relationships like that. Let’s just cut to the chase. But that’s not how relationships work. We can do grave damage trying to take short cuts in our impatience.

I’ve learned this the hard way. Sometimes other people just need to understand how right I am! And so I tell them, in love, of course. But it never goes well; I can’t imagine why. It’s almost like the Holy Spirit doesn’t care about getting to the right answer as much as he cares about the process of getting there.

And you know what frustrates me the most, the very most frustrating thing about the Holy Spirit? He’s not in a hurry. Doesn’t he realize my relationships are on a tight schedule, here? After all, I have in my planner that this relationship was supposed to be fixed by November.

The problem is, God is on his own schedule, and he doesn’t ask for my input. Of all the nerve! He acts like he’s God or something.

It’s kind of like Gandalf tongue-in-cheek rebuking Frodo at the beginning of the first Lord of the Rings movie (The Fellowship of the Ring).

“A wizard is never late, Frodo Baggins. Neither is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.”

God’s like that. Never late. Thank goodness. Always on-time. I can live with that. Never early. Now that’s just downright annoying!

Sometimes people have to figure things out for themselves by experience. This can be very frustrating, for example, for parents. We have all this truly great advice that can save our children a world of heartache, hurt, and bruising if they’d only listen. But I had a very wise woman tell me, “We have to let our kids live their own adventure.”

The fact is, my getting antsy and impatient is not going to speed God up. Truth be told, if anything, it might actually slow him down, because now he’s wanting to do something in me, to replace my impatience with faith. And so in his great mercy, he’s going to give me ample opportunities to practice faith over impatience, much to my consternation, and finally, if he gets his way, much to my surrender.

I’m not saying we sit back and be lazy and just wait for God to drop stuff in our lap. That’s obviously not how it works either. Clarity so often comes with action. We often have to do something, try and fail, and then try and fail again, to discover the destiny God has for us.

But I am saying this. We can take action and do stuff, but we don’t need to bring along the stress and pressure of our impatience. My stress and impatience comes when I take up responsibility for the outcome, instead of leaving it in God’s hands where it belongs. Taking responsibility for something that, deep down, we fundamentally know is out of our control is really stressful.

When we finally truly trust God for the outcome of the actions we’re taking, we can be hopeful without being impatient.

How about you? Are you more often impatient or hopeful? Tell us in the comments. And please share on social media if you think this post would be helpful to someone else.

Needy by Design

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No one wants to be needy. But this one thing makes us needy and there’s nothing we can do about it, no matter how hard we try. And we try really hard. We pretend really hard. But the one thing that makes us needy against all our best efforts to the contrary is… God’s Design.

God created us, like it or not, with basic human needs like being loved unconditionally. Like being welcomed and wanted. Like being touched in loving, respectful ways. Like being known, heard, and understood.

God created us needy to draw us into community. We are his image-bearers, after all (Genesis 1:26), and the Godhead himself lives in Community within himself.

“Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one,” the Bible says in Deuteronomy 6:4. The word translated “one” at the end of that verse in the Hebrew is a plural oneness we don’t have in English. It is only used for God. The point is, the Trinity lives in community with himself. So if we’re his image-bearers, shouldn’t we live in community also? If fact, we reflect his image more when we’re in healthy community with each other than we do individually.

God created us to long for community with every fiber of our being, because it’s only with others that we find our completion, the fullness of our own identity.

But something’s gone wrong. We’ve been hurt by others. So we often decide we don’t want community. It’s too risky. It’s not safe.

So we hide from what we desperately long for. Hide ‘n’ seek is only fun when someone comes looking for you. If the person who’s “it” counts while we hide but then goes inside for a snack, leaving us in our hiding place, it’s no fun at all. It’s downright hurtful. It’s no fun hiding for long. Yet some of us have been hiding all our lives.

We hide with all our might while desperately yearning to be found. Sometimes we hide behind controlling everything and everyone. “They will only find what I want them to find.” Sometimes we hide behind perfectionism, behind being the good boy or the good girl. “I’ll be good so they won’t see who I really am.” Sometimes we hide behind bad behavior we know is wrong. “They’ll never come close enough to see the real me in here.” Sometimes we hide behind addictions to medicate the pain. “I won’t even see me in here. I won’t feel the pain.”

The only problem is, none of it works. And that’s the grace of God in our lives. He won’t let it work, for long at least. He keeps engineering situations and circumstances that undermine our best efforts to hide.

Like a loving parent playing hide ‘n’ seek with a child, he knows where we’re hiding. But instead of violating our hiding place, he’s standing in the middle of the yard saying, “All-y, All-y, all come free!” It’s safe to come out now. It’s safe to run to his loving arms. We have a choice to leave the false safety of our best hiding places, engineered to keep us safe by our own efforts but failing miserably. We have a choice to run to the true safety of his arms, a truly safe, but vulnerable, place where we’re not in control, but neither is our fear.

And that’s our choice, between fear or vulnerability.

So often God brings healing in the context of community, when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable, to be loved to life by imperfect people whom we are called to love to life in return. Yes, these imperfect people will still hurt us, but what we do with that hurt is different. We embrace it and give it to Jesus, rather than hiding from it. And he heals it. Occasionally we need to change communities to a healthier one. But more often God gives us his heart for the other person, and shows us how to love them to life.

How about you? Are you hiding in fear? Or have you embraced vulnerability in a safe, loving, community? Tell us your story in the comments or shoot us an email. And please share if you think this post would bless someone else.

Fearful Control or Loving Confrontation

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There’s a world of difference between controlling someone out of fear and confronting them out of love.

When we have to deal with someone else’s bad behavior, we have a choice. We can try to control the other person and manipulate them into doing the right thing. Control is hypocrisy because we’re trying, by sinful means, to get them to not sin. How do you think that’s going to work? God won’t bless that. The ends do not justify the means.

Or we can loving confront them, speaking vulnerably from our heart. We can say what needs to be said, as lovingly as possible, but still as directly as needed. Then we trust God to speak to their heart, and we give them the grace to be in process while they work it out with God.

Here’s an example.

Thomas had an issue with his wife, Miranda. She would spend hours venting to him about people in their church. It was affecting his relationships with those people. He was afraid it would make him look bad. He was afraid she’d vent to someone else and her toxic spew would get back to the pastor, or worse, one of the church gossips. He was afraid she’d embarrass the family, and him most of all. He knew he had to do something about it. He had to take control, and out of his fear he tried to.

“Miranda, stop it!” he demanded the next time she started to spew. “I’m not going to listen to this! It’s wrong for you to spew like this about everybody! How can you even claim to be a Christian woman when this is what comes out of your mouth? You need to repent and stop talking like this right now!” Thomas knew he was in the right and his self-righteousness demanded instant change.

How do you think that went over? Miranda was angry with Thomas. She knew the way she spoke about her brothers and sisters at church was wrong. But she was incensed more that Thomas didn’t even try to hear her heart. She wanted to change how she spoke about people, it didn’t make her feel good at all. But she didn’t want to be bullied by his control either. He made it harder than it already was for her to deal with her sin.

Ok, now, stop. Rewind. Replay.

Thomas had an issue with his wife, Miranda. She would spend hours venting to him about people in their church. It was affecting his relationships with those people. He got up half an hour earlier than usual (3:30 AM instead of his usual 4:00 for the commute). He fasted breakfast, giving that 15 minutes to the Lord. So he had an extra 45 minutes each morning to pour out the pain and fear from his own heart to the Lord. He was determined to do this for as long as it took to get God’s strategy for dealing with this, but it only took a few days.

Almost immediately the Lord gave him a concern about what pain was in her heart that she was medicating by talking like this. He knew he had to say something about it. He had to confront her, and out of love he tried to.

“Miranda, wait a minute,” he risked the next time she started to spew. “Can I say something? I want to be there for you; I’m so glad you talk to me. I want to listen. I want to hear your heart. But I know this isn’t your heart for these people. You like these people, they’re our friends, but you talk down about them for hours. It’s starting to affect my relationship with them, because I find myself seeing them through this negative lens. But help me hear your heart. What are you afraid of? What’s wrong?” Thomas then prayed silently and put her in God’s hands. He left her and her response to God’s process, knowing even if she responded negatively now, God wasn’t done speaking to her heart. His love allowed her to be in process.

How do you think that went over? Miranda was angry with Thomas. She knew the way she spoke about her brothers and sisters at church was wrong. And she was angry at him for bringing it up and calling her on it. It hurt. He was inviting her into dangerous vulnerability, which she desperately longed for but was also terrified of. But she knew he was right, that there was something deeper going on in her heart. Now Miranda had a choice. Would she go there, to that vulnerable place, or would she try to control and bully him back into listening to her vent without saying anything to her about it?

This post isn’t about Miranda. It’s about Thomas. The second Thomas above may not have done it perfectly, but he tried. He approached Miranda with loving confrontation, with the strategy he asked the Lord for, not fearful control. He left her response between her and God. He loved her enough, and trusted God enough, to allow her to be in the Holy Spirit’s process.

If something was wrong in your life, which approach would you prefer someone take with you? Personally, I’d prefer loving confrontation. I’ve had enough of fearful control to last a life time.

How about you? Have you been through this process on either side? We’d love to hear your story. And please share if you think this would be valuable to someone else.