4 Ways to Deescalate Conflict

If you’ve been watching The Chosen, you’ve seen a brilliant (fictitious) example of Jesus de-escalating conflict in Season 3 Episode 8. Spoiler Alert: If you haven’t seen it, go watch it, then come back and read this post.

[Aside: If you’re new to The Chosen, it’s a multi-season show about the life of Christ through the eyes of the people who met him. It’s professionally done (not another cheesy Bible project). And I’ve never seen any show or movie that captures the heart of Jesus like this one does. I highly recommend it. But you have to watch it from the beginning, Season 1 Episode 1, or you won’t get it. You can watch the whole thing for free by downloading the free The Chosen app.]

As usual, even the fictitious scenes in The Chosen reflect Biblical principles. The writers did a brilliant job showing Jesus deescalate a potentially violent situation between 4 different rival ethnic groups, all at odds with each other.

A Little Brain Science

First, a little science about how our brains work in conflict situations. Here’s a short 90-second video of the “hand-brain model,” using your hand as a model for the brain.

Our brain’s cerebral cortex, where our rational thought takes place, is a very slow processor. In conflict, we don’t have time for that, so it goes off-line, leaving our decision making to our hypothalamus (where our emotions live) and our brain stem (fight or flight).

This is how God wired us as humans to survive in dangerous situations.

But to successfully navigate conflict, we need everybody involved to get out of fight-or-flight mode and back into their cerebral cortex, so we can have a rational conversation.

A Disclaimer

My assumption going in is that everyone involved is more healthy than toxic. If you’re dealing with a narcissist, or someone else who’s more toxic than healthy, these techniques may not work. A narcissist is only interested in winning. They don’t really want to solve the problem; they just want their way.

When you’re dealing with someone who’s more toxic than healthy, what you say doesn’t matter. Only what you do matters; actions are the only language they understand. If that’s your situation, I strongly recommend getting counseling to learn the tools you need to deal with it effectively and safely.

But for people who are more healthy than toxic, these techniques can go a long way.

Here are 4 actions we can take to de-escalate conflict, with (mostly!) healthy people, as much as it depends upon us. These do not go in any particular order. They can repeat. And in any given situation, you might do only one, a couple, or all of them.

(1) Take a Non-Threatening Posture

As Jesus and the disciples are surrounded by these rival groups shouting at each other and mocking him, he does the most counter-intuitive thing possible.

He sits down. And although they reluctantly sit with him, his disciples aren’t happy about it. There are angry, rival groups standing around them. When the disciples point out to Jesus that “we look weak and defenseless,” Jesus just smiles. Because that’s the point.

In a conflict, people are tense and ramped-up because they’re scared. They feel threatened. Taking a non-threatening posture can alleviate the tension, inviting the other person (or people) to ramp-down, because there is no threat.

This doesn’t mean you have to physically sit down. In fact, everyone may already be sitting, but still be spun-up because of the emotional threat they anticipate in the conversation. Ask the Holy Spirit how to take a non-threatening posture in your situation, either physically or verbally. It might mean taking the actions below.

(2) Ask Questions without Judging the Answers

Questions are a brilliant way of slowing people down. They move people out of fight-or-flight mode because their cerebral cortex is required to answer the question. Questions, and you waiting patiently for the answer, slow people down, inviting their cerebral cortex to come back online.

Several times in this scene, Jesus asks questions. Questions are a great way to help everyone involved establish the facts of what actually happened in the situation causing the conflict. Questions communicate respect by giving everyone a chance to answer and be heard. And communicating respect lowers the perceived threat-level, inviting the other person’s cerebral cortex to come back online.

Here are some pro tips for asking good questions:

• Don’t ask yes or no questions. No cerebral cortex required for that. Ask open-ended questions.
• Wait for the other person to answer. Get comfortable with dead air. Don’t jump in to break an uncomfortable silence. Once you ask a question, let them speak next.

(3) Tell Stories

Jesus was a genius at storytelling. Word pictures, analogies, and parables invite the other person to move from fight-or-flight move into ponder mode. You can’t think through a word picture with your amygdala; you need your cerebral cortex for that.

The Chosen writers expertly weave many of Jesus’ parables into this scene.

Ask the Holy Spirit for a word picture that describes your side of the conflict, particularly one that communicates how you feel.

(4) Look for Opportunities to Meet a Need

In this fictitious scene, Jesus heals a man with a broken leg. This gets the respect of the rival groups, and they all sit down and listen to him. Then Jesus proceeds to sort out the conflict with questions and stories.

You may not have the opportunity to do a miracle. Or you may; the Holy Spirit still invites us into the miraculous today. But is someone in the room hurting because of an unmet need?

I guarantee you this: When they came into the conflict, they did not expect anyone in the room to meet their need voluntarily; they were ready to fight for it.

If you meet a need, even a small one that’s not the subject of the conflict, it greatly lowers the perceived level of threat. Ask the Holy Spirit what need you can meet. It could be as simple as offering a blanket because they look cold. Or a glass of water before you start.

Your Turn

Does this resonate? Have you used, or seen used, any of these techniques to de-escalate conflict? Tell us your story in the comments. And please share this post if it would bless others.