What Every Relationship Pursues and Protects

Every relationship pursues one of these two goals. Every relationship protects one of these two things. Either connection or distance. That’s it.

Terrified of What We Desperately Long For

The truth is, we all long for connection, for intimacy. We long to be fully known, accepted, and loved. And there’s the rub. We’re terrified that if we’re fully known, we’ll be rejected and condemned instead.

So we do this dance in our relationships of “come close, but stay away.”

Intimacy == Into Me See

The intimacy we so long for, and desperately need, is a place of scary vulnerability. Someone can really hurt us badly there. So we either avoid it, or we try to control it. But both strategies, by their very nature, destroy the intimacy we’re longing for.

So we protect distance in our relationships. This close, and no closer. Especially if there’s already painful water under the bridge. Especially if there’s a history of hurt with this person.

This is common in failing marriages. Each spouse, having been badly hurt by the other in a place of vulnerability, is not going to be vulnerable again. So they start protecting distance instead of connection, and wonder why the marriage is falling apart. But, often unknown to themselves, they’re achieving their goal of protecting their heart through distance from their spouse, instead of connection with their spouse.

2 Steps to Pursuing Connection

So how do we pursue connection? Here’s two steps.

1) Mutually decide that’s what you want. Sit down and talk. Talking on neutral ground, like in a professional counselor’s office, can be very helpful. Realize that you, as a couple, can achieve any goal you mutually pursue. The current state of your relationship is proof of that. You’ve been pursuing distance and you’ve achieved it.

2) Practice communication that’s about you, not about them. Disrespectful communication tells the other person about them. “You always…” or “You never…” That won’t work. They already know all about them. All this communication does is make them defensive and you do not feel heard.

Instead, tell them about you. Tell them how you feel when they do that thing, and tell them how you want to feel. Now don’t go overboard and make them responsible for your feelings. They aren’t. But you’re asking them for help. You’re inviting them into connection.

“When this happens, I feel _____ and I need to feel _____.”

Danny Silk gives a great example of this in his book Keep Your Love On (not an affiliate link). He lives in Northern California, and frequently drives curvy, mountain roads with his wife. She does not appreciate his fast mountain-driving skills.

So one time she told him, “Danny, when you drive this fast on these roads, I feel scared and I need to feel safe.” She didn’t judge his driving. She didn’t call him names like “irresponsible” or “dangerous” or “selfish.” She gave him information he didn’t have before – information about her.

Now he had a choice to make. He didn’t defend himself or his accident-free driving record. He didn’t explain the performance characteristics of the vehicle and how her fear was unwarranted. He didn’t call her names like “silly” or “paranoid.”

He slowed down. Why? Because he valued his connection with his wife. He wanted her to feel safe around him, not scared. He chose to value his connection with her above the fun he was having by driving fast.

When we mutually choose connection over distance, it makes a safe place for the intimacy we so long for.

When Distance Is Appropriate

Unfortunately, sometimes distance is appropriate. When people refuse, by their actions, to steward our hearts well, it is wise to set a healthy boundary and create a safe distance.

For example, suppose, in the example above, Danny chose not to slow down. What if he said, “No, I’m driving the way I’m driving. Get over it.”

Now his wife has a choice. He’s said what he’s going to do. What is she going to do?

Unhealthy things she could do are try to manipulate or control his behavior. She could shout. She could shame. She could cry. (I’m talking about manipulation crying here, not the honest sharing of genuine emotion.) She could try lots of different unhealthy things.

But the healthy thing is to tell him what she’s going to do, like:

  • “Next time, I’m driving separately.”
  • “I’m not going next time.”
  • “I’m calling an Uber to get home.”
  • Not get in the car with him in the driver’s seat. She drives.

“The only person I can control, on a good day, is myself.” – Danny Silk

There’s no judgement in that. No condemnation about his driving. She’s just telling him about her, and about what she’s going to do.

Then he has a choice. What is he going to do? Maybe, after a couple trips without her, or a couple expensive Uber bills, he slows down. Or not.

The point is, it is painful when, in that place of vulnerability, someone who should value and protect our heart hurts us instead. It is good and wise to set healthy boundaries so the person doesn’t have access to our hearts at a level where they can repeat that kind of damage.

We guard our heart by saying, “When you act that way, I feel ____, but I need to feel ____.” If they do not respond like we hoped, then we say, “Ok, when you do ____, I’m going to ____ so I can feel ____.” Then follow through and do it. Leave them the choice of your boundary and the limited access to your heart that comes with it, or changing their behavior.

I know families who have that one family member who ruins every extended family gathering by their outrageous behavior. Finally, they told him, “We love you and we want to spend time with you. But when you act this way, we feel angry, and it ruins the day for us. We all want to enjoy the gathering. So we’re not inviting you this year.” After a couple missed gatherings, he can choose whether he values connection with his family over his right to behave outrageously, or not.

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. – Proverbs 4:23

It is Biblical to guard your heart. But it’s painful when you have to guard your heart against someone you want to share it with, like your spouse or a family member. The good news is, your boundaries are under your control and you can relax them when you feel safe enough to do so. After the person demonstrates they will steward your heart well, you can gradually give them more and more access to your heart, and revoke that access if they can’t handle it.

Your Turn

Does this resonate? Are you pursuing connection or distance in your important relationships? These principles apply everywhere: with friends and family, at work, even at church. Have you had to enforce some healthy distance? What did the other person choose? Tell us your story in the comments; it will help others. And please share this post if it was a blessing to you.

These concepts are based on Danny’s Silk’s podcast, The KYLO Show (no affiliate relationship). I highly recommend it.

Photo by Shuaizhi Tian: https://www.pexels.com/photo/people-on-a-roller-coaster-ride-11758657/

The One Healthy Goal of Relationship (and Two Unhealthy Goals)

We all yearn for relationships. God, as the Trinity (Father, Son, and Holy Spirit), is in relationship within himself. And we were created in God’s image (Genesis 1:26-27). So we were created specifically for relationships, with God and with each other. We are hard-wired by God to need relationships. We can’t be healthy without them. But in our wounding in this fallen world, we often pursue them with unhealthy goals.

Specifically, there are two unhealthy goals, and one healthy goal, that we’re going to unpack in this post.

Unhealthy Goal #1: Relationship Is Not about the Thrill

A relationship, especially a romantic one and especially at first, can be thrilling. And it should be. It can be exhilarating, and it should be. That’s all good. There’s nothing wrong with enjoying the thrill and the goose bumps and all that.

But that’s not a healthy goal. Because over time, the thrill subsides. The Law of Diminishing Returns sets in. Over time, we need a bigger and more intense stimulus to achieve the same level of thrill.

The Law of Diminishing Returns: Over time, we need a more intense stimulus to achieve the same thrill.

Diminishing returns is what traps addicts. Whether it’s drugs, alcohol, porn, unmarried sex, or affairs after marriage, we need a bigger hit of our “drug of choice” to get the same thrill we did at first.

Remember the first baby roller-coaster you went on as a child? You thought it was amazing! But now as an adult, you’re like, “Wake me up when it’s over.” As a society, we’re always pursuing the next big thrill, whether it’s a new level of special-effects in movies, or the next, more extreme roller-coaster.

Which is fine for movies and roller-coasters. But when we approach relationships like that, we objectify people and treat them as disposable. And that’s not ok.

Do you approach your relationships with a roller-coaster mindset?

Or have you been thrown away like yesterday’s trash because someone else was just into you for the thrill? You deserve more.

Unhealthy Goal #2: Relationship Is Not about Transaction

Yes, all relationships have a transactional bank account. (I talk more about that here, The Secret to Repairing a Relationship You’ve Damaged.) And we all get transactional benefits from healthy relationships. We should. That’s all well and good.

But “what I’m getting out of it” is not a healthy goal. That objectifies people that we throw away when they no longer hold up their end of the unwritten contract.

Do you approach your relationships with a transactional mindset?

Or have you been thrown away because someone else’s risk-benefit analysis was no longer in your favor? You deserve more.

The Healthy Goal: Relationship Is about Connection

People who have relationships that last approach them with a connection mindset.

When the thrill of a new relationship subsides, and when we don’t feel like we’re getting any transactional benefit out of it, that’s when we’re invited into a deeper, much more satisfying goal: Connection.

Although we do, and should, get thrills and benefits from relationships, healthy people don’t pursue relationships for those reasons. Those are byproducts of a healthy relationship, not goals. The goal is Connection with the other person.

How Do We Approach God?

Too often, we approach God with either a roller-coaster mindset or a transactional mindset.

The roller-coaster mindset comes to God for the thrill, to experience the miraculous. The sticky wicket is, experiencing the miraculous is thrilling. And God does miraculous stuff. But if that becomes our goal, instead of connection with him, then we’ve made the experience into an idol.

Neither should we come to God with a transactional mindset. I recently read an article where a pastor, who shall remain nameless, said this:

“Holy worship is far more than a theological lecture. It’s gathering to receive Christ’s forgiveness, life and salvation.” I want to pick a fight with this quote.

While that quote sounds good on the surface, I want to pick a fight with it. That’s a transactional mindset.

Yes, we desperately all need Christ’s forgiveness, his life, and his salvation. But that’s not why we gather. We spend time with him, both corporately at church and privately, to connect with him at a heart level. And all those good things, forgiveness, life, salvation, gifts, healing, are all byproducts of our connection.

The goal is not intellectual understanding, although we will gain knowledge, wisdom, and understanding through our connection with him. The goal is not emotional experience, although we will have emotional experiences through our connection with him.

If we’re not growing in wisdom, or we aren’t having any emotional experience with him, then our connection with him is weak, if it exists at all. If this is you, congratulations! You’ve discovered an area God wants to bless you in. He’s inviting you into a new and deeper connection with him. Tell him you accept. Ask him to take you there.

Is your goal in approaching God connection?

Your Turn

Is this post landing for you? Are you realizing you approach your relationships with either a roller-coaster or transactional mentality? Or have you been thrown away like yesterday’s trash because someone else did? Tell us your story in the comments, or reach out to us privately. And please share this post if it would bless others.

Why You Need Support Not Accountability

Accountability groups, or accountability partners, are big in some Christian circles. But, while well-intentioned, accountability’s not all it’s cracked up to be. What you actually need is support, not accountability.

Here are 4 reasons why.

1) Support Helps, Accountability Controls

The critical difference between accountability and support is that accountability is “friendly” control, while support is help. But the truth is, to quote Danny Silk, “The only person I can control, on a good day, is myself.” Which also means that no one else can control you. No matter how well intentioned, it just won’t work.

“The only person I can control, on a good day, is myself.” — Danny Silk

We submit ourselves to accountability, either with a group or a single accountability partner, when there’s something we feel like we should be doing, but we really don’t want to. We think the guilt and peer pressure of having to report our failures will help. But think back. When in your life has peer pressure ever been a good thing? When have you ever been happy to be motivated by impending shame? Aren’t we much more likely to hide and eventually quit the group or partner?

2) With Support, You Bring the Motivation. In Accountability, It’s Imposed on You.

Who Brings the Motivation? We join accountability groups, or partnerships, when we’re guilted into admitting we should change our life. So we begrudgingly join the group (or partnership). But it feels like going to the dentist. We don’t want to go, we know it’ll hurt, but we know it’s good for us. It’s certainly no fun, and if we could rationalize a way out of it, we would. The motivation is imposed, or guilted, upon us by the rest of the group.

But in a support group (or partnership), we bring the motivation. There is something in our life that we actually, truly want to change. Or it’s a goal we’re passionate about achieving. But we know we can’t do it ourselves because we’ve been trying and it’s not working. So we ask trusted people in our life for help. We come into support situations grateful for the help, not dreading the “help” of accountability.

In fact, manipulative and controlling accountability is actually counter-productive. It can be demotivating, achieving the opposite of the intended result. 

3) Support Gives You Permission, Accountability Forces You 

In support, you’ve asked for help. This is something you want to do. People who support you remind you of your calling, your giftings, the positive words spoken over your life. They remind you who you really are. Their affirmation tears down the lies we believe about ourselves.

So often, when we’re having trouble moving forward, it’s because fear has gripped us. Fear often hides behind a mask of logic. Supportive people give us permission to take reasonable risks. They encourage us to take brave baby steps, and they cheer us on. 

There’s a sense of coercion by guilt that so often accompanies being held accountable. Even that phrase, “being held accountable,” has negative legal connotations, doesn’t it? Accountability attempts to force us to do the right thing. Support gives us permission.

4) Support Honors Your Choice, Accountability Shames Your Choice

What if you change your mind? Maybe you decide you don’t want this goal after all. Maybe you want to quit the group. Although supportive people might disagree, be sad and miss you, they honor your choice. Accountability groups (and partners) shame your choice. They try to force you back in line, away from being “out of control.” Think about that phrase! 

Shame never accomplishes anything good, but it’s the only tool (or weapon?) people who want control over your behavior have at their disposal. That’s a scary thought. Here’s a scarier one: Shame is actually the enemy’s main weapon against us. 

As believers, the enemy only has power over us when we believe his lies. Shame is one of his major tools for entrenching those lies in our heart. Shame activates fear. Fear drives us away from those who would love that shame away and take down those lies like a house of cards.

Since shame is something in the enemy’s toolbox, we can’t ever use shame to achieve a godly result.

Support over Accountability

It can be scary when a loved one is making destructive choices, especially an adult child. Sometimes, out of our very real fear, we try to control and hold them accountable with the best of intentions. We truly want the best for them. But we have to let them live their own adventure.

Jesus totally did this. For example, at the pool of Bethesda, he asked the paralytic, “Do you want to get well?” (John 5:1-15) And again, in Mark 10:46-52, he asked the blind man, “What do you want me to do for you?” These may seem like no-brainer questions, but he was overtly honoring their choice. He certainly wanted to heal them, but he was letting them choose it. He was letting them live their adventure. 

And we have to live ours. Seek out people who will support you, tell you the hard truth, but then honor your choice. Rather than guilting you into what you should do, they ask you, “What do you want me to do for you?” Then they support you in that area, if they morally can, even if they think your main problem is in another area. If they can’t support you for whatever reason, they’ll tell you straight up and not play games with you.

How About You?

Does this resonate? Please share this post if it would bless others. And tell us your story in the comments. Have you been through “accountability gone bad”? Have you had good experiences with support? Your story will help others, and we’d love to hear it.

4 Ways to Deescalate Conflict

If you’ve been watching The Chosen, you’ve seen a brilliant (fictitious) example of Jesus de-escalating conflict in Season 3 Episode 8. Spoiler Alert: If you haven’t seen it, go watch it, then come back and read this post.

[Aside: If you’re new to The Chosen, it’s a multi-season show about the life of Christ through the eyes of the people who met him. It’s professionally done (not another cheesy Bible project). And I’ve never seen any show or movie that captures the heart of Jesus like this one does. I highly recommend it. But you have to watch it from the beginning, Season 1 Episode 1, or you won’t get it. You can watch the whole thing for free by downloading the free The Chosen app.]

As usual, even the fictitious scenes in The Chosen reflect Biblical principles. The writers did a brilliant job showing Jesus deescalate a potentially violent situation between 4 different rival ethnic groups, all at odds with each other.

A Little Brain Science

First, a little science about how our brains work in conflict situations. Here’s a short 90-second video of the “hand-brain model,” using your hand as a model for the brain.

Our brain’s cerebral cortex, where our rational thought takes place, is a very slow processor. In conflict, we don’t have time for that, so it goes off-line, leaving our decision making to our hypothalamus (where our emotions live) and our brain stem (fight or flight).

This is how God wired us as humans to survive in dangerous situations.

But to successfully navigate conflict, we need everybody involved to get out of fight-or-flight mode and back into their cerebral cortex, so we can have a rational conversation.

A Disclaimer

My assumption going in is that everyone involved is more healthy than toxic. If you’re dealing with a narcissist, or someone else who’s more toxic than healthy, these techniques may not work. A narcissist is only interested in winning. They don’t really want to solve the problem; they just want their way.

When you’re dealing with someone who’s more toxic than healthy, what you say doesn’t matter. Only what you do matters; actions are the only language they understand. If that’s your situation, I strongly recommend getting counseling to learn the tools you need to deal with it effectively and safely.

But for people who are more healthy than toxic, these techniques can go a long way.

Here are 4 actions we can take to de-escalate conflict, with (mostly!) healthy people, as much as it depends upon us. These do not go in any particular order. They can repeat. And in any given situation, you might do only one, a couple, or all of them.

(1) Take a Non-Threatening Posture

As Jesus and the disciples are surrounded by these rival groups shouting at each other and mocking him, he does the most counter-intuitive thing possible.

He sits down. And although they reluctantly sit with him, his disciples aren’t happy about it. There are angry, rival groups standing around them. When the disciples point out to Jesus that “we look weak and defenseless,” Jesus just smiles. Because that’s the point.

In a conflict, people are tense and ramped-up because they’re scared. They feel threatened. Taking a non-threatening posture can alleviate the tension, inviting the other person (or people) to ramp-down, because there is no threat.

This doesn’t mean you have to physically sit down. In fact, everyone may already be sitting, but still be spun-up because of the emotional threat they anticipate in the conversation. Ask the Holy Spirit how to take a non-threatening posture in your situation, either physically or verbally. It might mean taking the actions below.

(2) Ask Questions without Judging the Answers

Questions are a brilliant way of slowing people down. They move people out of fight-or-flight mode because their cerebral cortex is required to answer the question. Questions, and you waiting patiently for the answer, slow people down, inviting their cerebral cortex to come back online.

Several times in this scene, Jesus asks questions. Questions are a great way to help everyone involved establish the facts of what actually happened in the situation causing the conflict. Questions communicate respect by giving everyone a chance to answer and be heard. And communicating respect lowers the perceived threat-level, inviting the other person’s cerebral cortex to come back online.

Here are some pro tips for asking good questions:

  • Don’t ask yes or no questions. No cerebral cortex required for that. Ask open-ended questions.
  • Wait for the other person to answer. Get comfortable with dead air. Don’t jump in to break an uncomfortable silence. Once you ask a question, let them speak next.

(3) Tell Stories

Jesus was a genius at storytelling. Word pictures, analogies, and parables invite the other person to move from fight-or-flight move into ponder mode. You can’t think through a word picture with your amygdala; you need your cerebral cortex for that.

The Chosen writers expertly weave many of Jesus’ parables into this scene.

Ask the Holy Spirit for a word picture that describes your side of the conflict, particularly one that communicates how you feel.

(4) Look for Opportunities to Meet a Need

In this fictitious scene, Jesus heals a man with a broken leg. This gets the respect of the rival groups, and they all sit down and listen to him. Then Jesus proceeds to sort out the conflict with questions and stories.

You may not have the opportunity to do a miracle. Or you may; the Holy Spirit still invites us into the miraculous today. But is someone in the room hurting because of an unmet need?

I guarantee you this: When they came into the conflict, they did not expect anyone in the room to meet their need voluntarily; they were ready to fight for it.

If you meet a need, even a small one that’s not the subject of the conflict, it greatly lowers the perceived level of threat. Ask the Holy Spirit what need you can meet. It could be as simple as offering a blanket because they look cold. Or a glass of water before you start.

Your Turn

Does this resonate? Have you used, or seen used, any of these techniques to de-escalate conflict? Tell us your story in the comments. And please share this post if it would bless others.

How to Not Starve on Relationship Breadcrumbs

Thomas just wanted peace in his home. That’s a good thing, isn’t it? He lived in constant fear of his wife leaving. All she had to do to get her way was yell at him, and he’d capitulate. Even if he knew it wasn’t the right thing, he did whatever was necessary to keep the peace. He lost the fire in his heart a long time ago, sacrificing the vision that made his heart soar for peace in his home.

Vanessa just wanted a peaceful holiday meal. Can everybody just get along for 6 hours? At least pretend to? She went out of her way to make something everyone liked, have activities everyone liked, and be the buffer between certain family members who apparently thrive on conflict. But everyone seemed to take for granted all her efforts to keep the peace. She’d long forgotten what she actually enjoyed.

Thomas and Vanessa have something in common. They’ve both sacrificed themselves for the sake of others to an extreme. To the point where they’ve forgotten who they themselves are and what makes their heart sing. They are both peace keepers.

But didn’t Jesus say in Matthew 5:9, “Blessed are the peace keepers?” No, he didn’t. He totally did not. That verse actually says, “Blessed are the peace makers, for they will be called sons of God.” Did you catch that? Peace makers not peace keepers. What’s the difference?

Peace keepers abandon what they know to be true, God’s calling on their life, even their very identity, for the sake of peace. To a peace keeper, the world is coming to an end if someone’s mad. The pain of someone being angry with them is too great. I know. I did this for decades. Having someone angry at me was excruciating because I believed the lie that it was my fault and hence I wasn’t lovable.

Peace keepers live in fear. Fear of the other person terminating the relationship. Fear of being yelled at. Fear of it being all their fault. They are starving for whatever relationship breadcrumbs the other person decides to throw their way.

Peace keepers surrender what they know is right for the sake of peace. But some peace isn’t worth having. If that peace is based on selfish desires—instant gratification—the things of our old sinful nature, that peace is a false peace not worth having. That’s not peace.

Peace is not just the absence of conflict. Peace is a Kingdom of God thing. It’s got to do with rest. Confidence. Security. And the foundational knowledge that God is with you because you’re moving in what he’s called you to do. You’re living life his way.

Peace makers go hard after God’s calling on their life. They won’t compromise it. But they aren’t a jerk about it either. They don’t try to manipulate or force others into it. They find a way to communicate it and, if need be, pursue it in spite of opposition, even from family. They invite their family and their inner circle to come along.

Peace makers invite peace. They don’t surrender for it. It’s neither capitulation, manipulation, nor aggression. It’s an invitation.

“I know God is leading me this way, and my hand is open to you, inviting you to come along. You don’t have to come, although I hope you do. But whether you do or not, that’s where I’m going.” –Invitation of a Peace Maker

But aren’t we supposed to surrender? Didn’t Jesus say, “deny yourself?” Yes, he did, and I love Luke 9:23: “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.” I have that book-marked in my Bible. That’s one of my favorite verses.

But don’t it get twisted to mean something Jesus never intended. What are you denying yourself for? What Jesus has called you to, not to please people. Who are we supposed to surrender to? Jesus—not some bully.

The good news is, you can totally move from peace keeper to peace maker. I paid a price for making this move. The bullies in my life were not happy they could no longer control me, and some of them painfully ended relationship. They were fine with the Dave who would sacrifice everything for them, but not so much with the Dave who spoke life and learned to say “no.” It was very painful and still is.

But it’s so worth it to boldly step out into what God has for you and darn the torpedoes. Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not advocating being stupid. I’m advocating boldness, not brashness. I’m no longer living in fear. Walking out God’s vision in our life is the most exhilarating adventure ever.

Here are 2 tips that helped me move from a fearful peace keeper to a bold peace maker. If you’re a peace keeper, I pray they help you as well.

1) Not everyone’s point-of-view is equally valid.

I came into every conversation thinking the other person wanted to legitimately solve the problem like I did. I assumed they were pursuing, not their own agenda, but what was mutually best for everyone like I was. Unfortunately, and I found this out the hard way, that’s not always true.

Some people don’t enter into an argument to find what’s best, they are just trying to win. Do not give these people’s point-of-view the same weight as your own. That sounds unfair, but believe me, they are not giving your point-of-view the time of day. They are just trying to win. They don’t care about what’s good, right, and true.

Although they appear self-confident, deep down some people are very insecure and very self-condemning. They are believing a lot of foundational lies about themselves, and they are trying to protect their own heart through controlling you and everything else.

You can recognize these people by a few tell-tale signs:

  • They take disagreement as a personal attack.
  • In general, they don’t sacrifice for anybody.

2) The world is not coming to an end because someone is angry with you.

You don’t have to walk on egg shells. You don’t have to wear kid gloves. You deserve to be treated like a human being, even if you’re wrong. You deserve to be respected by the other person even when they disagree with you.

Choose to require respect. Don’t demand it or be a jerk about it. Don’t escalate the situation to their level. Instead, here’s some ways to require respect.

  • Have the conversation in a public place, like a coffee shop or a restaurant, or even a park with people around. There is much more social pressure on the other person to be respectful and not make a scene than when you’re in private. A coffee shop or a Paneras-like restaurant is better, because you pay up-front and don’t have your check holding you there (see below).
  • Say something like this: “I want to have this conversation with you, but you can’t talk to me like that. We can try again when you’re ready to treat me with respect.” Then simply walk out of the room (if you’re at home) or get in your car and drive away (if you’re in a public place). Don’t let their cat-calls stop you. Once you decide to leave, go.

If you’re doing your best to follow Jesus and not pursue your own selfish agenda, denying yourself for the sake of the calling on your life, then, in general, their anger is not your fault. They have a choice of how they respond. So do you.

You are allowed to make honest mistakes. It’s called learning. You are allowed to even be wrong. It’s called being human. You still deserve love and respect.

You deserve love and respect because you are valuable to God, not because of what you do or provide.

Don’t starve begging for relationship breadcrumbs. You are worth the whole 4-course meal.

Did this post touch a chord? Did it resonate? Tell us your story in the comments. And please share on social media if it would bless someone else.

How to Tell if You’re Motivated by Wounding or Calling

Everything we do in life is driven by one of these two things. At the end of the day, these are the only two motivations in the human experience. Everything we do is driven by either our wounding or our calling. Here’s an example.

Bob and Ted both help their church one Saturday morning a month serving breakfast at the local homeless shelter. They both get up at 5:00 AM, so they can be at the shelter by 6:00 to have breakfast ready for the residents at 7:00. They’re both happy to do whatever’s needed—scrambling dozens of eggs, cooking bacon, toasting slices and slices of toast, washing dishes, talking to and praying with the residents. Both are faithful. Both feel great afterwards, having been blessed with the opportunity to serve. But while they both look exactly the same from the outside, there’s a big difference inside.

Driving home, Bob is jazzed. He feels so good. For a few brief, shining moments, he feels good about himself, having done something good. Maybe that compensates for all his failures. Maybe, for a few hours, that’ll drown out the shame that just won’t let him go. Bob is serving out of his wounding.

Meanwhile, Ted is driving home, and he’s also jazzed. He feels so good. When he’s eating and talking with the shelter residents, he identifies with them. He doesn’t see a dirty homeless man. He sees a broken heart. He sees potential. He sees God’s hand of anointing and purpose on these precious people who have been so deceived and beaten up by the world. And Ted feels privileged to be with them, to tell them the truth of who they really are, how much they’re loved by God, and to pray with them. Ted’s high will last for days. Ted is serving out of his calling.

Do you see the difference? Both are doing the same actions. Both look exactly the same on the outside. Both get good feelings out of it (which is the outworking of a Kingdom principle, BTW. You can control your emotions by serving.) [https://identityinwholeness.com/how-to-control-your-emotions/]

But their motivations are totally different. Bob is serving for the benefit to himself. He’s medicating pain. He may or may not feel guilted into it, but either way, his wounding pushes him to serve. Ted, on the other hand, is serving for the benefit of the people he’s serving. He feels drawn to them. His calling pulls him into serving. He can’t not serve.

Let’s look at another example.

Bob and Ted both get home after the homeless shelter feeding and get their daughters ready for swim practice at the local pool. Their kids are both on the same swim team, and both Bob and Ted are very involved in helping the coach with the team.

Bob was a swimmer in his youth and a strong contender for the Olympics, until the injury. That ended that. But his daughter has an opportunity to succeed where Bob failed. So he pushes her to swim harder, faster, better. And he doesn’t understand why she seems to resent all he’s sacrificing so she can have this opportunity. Going to swim meets all over the country isn’t cheap. He’s living vicariously through his daughter. His wounding is pushing him and his daughter. This movie doesn’t end well. Maybe you’ve seen it. Maybe you’ve lived it.

Ted, on the other hand, can think of a thousand other things he’d rather be doing than spending Saturday at the pool. Mowing the lawn, mending that fence, trimming the roses. He loves being outside, and doesn’t look forward to spending another Saturday indoors at the pool smelling chlorine all day.

But from birth, his daughter was as comfortable in the water as she was on land. No one had to teach her how to blow bubbles in the bathtub, or to put her face under the water. She just did it naturally. She was almost swimming before she could walk. Ted realized something about his child: God hard-wired her to swim. So he silently sacrifices his Saturdays because he knows that as her father it’s his calling to gently guide her into who God created her to be.

Do you see the difference? Again, Bob and Ted look exactly the same from the outside. They both go to all their daughter’s swim practices and swim meets. They both help out the coach with the team however they can. But their inner motivations are totally different. Pushed by his wounding, Bob is doing it for himself, in a fruitless attempt to ease the pain. But Ted is pulled by his calling. He can’t not be there for his daughter, for her sake—not for his.

Both are driven. But while Bob is pushed by his wounding, Ted is pulled by his calling. And that’s how you can tell whether you’re being motivated by your wounding or by your calling. Wounding pushes you—guilt, shame, medicating pain. But calling pulls you—drawing you forward, wooing you, to the point that once you start thinking “what if…” you can’t not pursue it.

So what if I discover I’m being driven by my wounding? Do these 4 simple steps.

1) Admit it. Stop pretending otherwise.

2) Name the wounding. You have power over what you can put a label on.

3) Get help. There’s no shame wearing a cast on a broken leg. There’s no shame getting counseling for broken emotions. Everyone needs help at some point. Talk to your pastor, a professional counselor, a mature and godly parent, or a trusted friend. Or all of them. You need all the tools in the toolbox. But, please, talk to somebody.

4) Embrace this season of healing. You can get free. Healing is out there. Pursue it. Don’t give up. God wants to bring you freedom, so you can set others free. You have authority over what you’ve been set free from.

Once you’re walking in freedom rather wounding, you may realize your calling is totally different from what you thought. Whole new worlds may open up to you.

Or, you may have been pursuing your calling all along, but your wounding is like dragging an iron ball chained to your leg—so you can’t run very fast. Once you get some healing, maybe you’ll feel a new freedom and ease to chase the calling you never believed was possible.

Caveat: Healing comes in waves. This may not be your last season of healing. Healing hurts, so out of his mercy God gives us as much as we can handle at any one time. So don’t be surprised if, after years of living motivated by your calling, you suddenly discover there’s still some wounding there. Don’t be discouraged—God’s getting ready to upgrade you again! Bonus!

How about you? Are you operating out of your wounding, or out of your calling? Have you ever realized, after getting some healing, your calling was totally different from what you thought it was? Have you gone through seasons of healing? How did each give you another level of freedom? We’d love to hear your story in the comments or in an email. And please share if this would bless someone else.

Free Resources:

Do you know God wants to talk directly to you? Do you have trouble hearing him? Find out how to hear God with Dave’s free ebook “Hearing God and What’s Next: 12 Ways to Hear God, 3 Things to Do about It, and 6 Ways to Know You’re Not Crazy.”

Does your heart need healing? Learn the steps to inner healing with Jesus through a fun and engaging fictional story. Download Dave’s free ebook “The Runt: A Fable of Giant Inner Healing.”

How to Balance Family and Ministry with 3 Questions

I’ve seen a lot of questions recently from people, particularly men, trying to sort out balancing ministry and family. Questions like:

  • “Should I go to my kid’s soccer game or go to the men’s breakfast?”
  • “Should I miss the school play because it’s on a Wednesday church night?”
  • “Shouldn’t my life be a witness to them that God is more important?”

These questions come from a false dichotomy – having to choose either family or ministry. But that’s a false choice. Family is ministry.

Every Relationship Is a Ministry.

The hardest choices are choosing between good things. For me, as a general guideline, I set my priorities as follows, and I believe this is Biblical:

  1. Ministry to Jesus himself (time spent and direct obedience)
  2. Spouse
  3. Kids
  4. Extended family (including parents)
  5. Other relationships
  6. Church and other “ministry” activities

The sticky wicket is that first one. Ministry to Jesus means spending time with him, just you and him. But it also means obeying what he’s told you directly in your heart, even if no one else understands it, gets it, or is mad about it.

Yes, Jesus first. Always. But church is not Jesus. Your family is as much a ministry as church activities are.

Every Relationship Is a Ministry.

In general, when there’s a conflict between healthy family needs and church/ministry needs, choose your family. Every. Time.

Unless Jesus has directly, individually, spoken to you and you know in your heart that he’s directing you otherwise.

Here are wrong reasons to prioritize church over healthy family needs:

  • For principle’s sake.
  • To show them how important God is.
  • To do the “right” thing.
  • I get my value from doing ministry.

The only valid reasons to prioritize church over family:

  • You know in your heart Jesus is directly calling you to.
  • The family needs are not spiritually healthy, but are narcissistic in nature.

Healthy Family Needs over Church Activities Every Time

This may be controversial in some circles, and you’re free to disagree with me. But I firmly believe the needs of your spouse and family come before church ministry. And I’m taking for granted here that we’re talking about healthy and reasonable needs, not narcissistic needs.

For example, if your husband doesn’t want you to go to church at all, that’s not a healthy need. Go to church. But if your husband feels abandoned because you’re at church 4 nights a week, he might have a point.

3 Questions to Help You Prioritize

Here are three questions to ask yourself in trying to decide what to prioritize. Let’s take the example of deciding whether to go to your son’s soccer game or the men’s breakfast at church.

(1) Which relationship do you have the most influence in? You have infinitely more influence in your relationship with your child than with anyone in the men’s group. Go to the soccer game.

(2) Who will be hurt the most? No one in the men’s group will be legitimately hurt because you’re not there, and most will not even notice. In fact, by the next men’s breakfast, most people won’t even remember whether you were there or not. But your son could be deeply hurt by you missing his game and carry that scar for years. Go to the soccer game.

(3) What message are you sending? If you go to the soccer game, you send the men’s group the message, “My family is important.” That’s a Biblical message. But what message are you sending to your son if you miss his game?

If you miss the game, maybe you think you’re sending the message, “God is the most important thing in life.” You’re not. You’re really sending the message, “You aren’t important.” And that message could stick with him for years, reinforcing lies the enemy is (or will) tell him about his self-worth.

By your actions, not your words, you are telling your son how God views him. Let your actions tell the truth about his importance to God. Go to the soccer game.

Every Relationship Is a Ministry.

In the rarity that you go to the men’s breakfast over your son’s soccer game, let it be because you know in your heart that God is directly leading you to, individually and specifically in this instance, not based on some intellectual or theological principle or your own unredeemed performance orientation.

What about Jesus’ Mother and Brothers in Mark 3?

This story is related in Matthew 12, Mark 3, and Luke 8. Let’s look at Mark 3 because there’s a bit more detail recorded there. In Mark 3:31-35, Jesus is told his mother and his brothers want to speak to him. He appears to blow them off by saying, “Who are my mother and brothers? Whoever does God’s will is my brother and sister and mother.”

This story is often misused by clergy (who are building their own empire rather than the Kingdom, don’t get me started) to manipulate church ministry over people’s healthy family needs.

But look back in Mark 3:20-21: Then Jesus entered a house, and again a crowd gathered, so that he and his disciples were not even able to eat. When his family heard about this, they went to take charge of him, for they said, “He is out of his mind.”

They came to stop him from embarrassing the family. In this instance, they were proactively opposing his calling. So yes, in this instance, Jesus correctly prioritized what he knew God put in his heart to do over his family.

He didn’t do it based on some vague intellectual or theological “principle.” He didn’t do it based on some verse he misapplied from the Old Testament. He did it because they were opposing the calling God put in his heart.

Your calling, not your church, counts as direct ministry to Jesus.

If family needs conflict with your calling, what you know in your heart the Holy Spirit is individually and specifically calling and directing you to do, then prioritize your calling. Every Time.

But unless you have that individual specific, direct leading in your heart, prioritize your family. Every. Time.

If it’s a tie, or you aren’t sure, prioritize your family (assuming healthy needs, not narcissistic ones). Because your family counts as ministry. If God is really calling you to choose otherwise, it won’t go away; it’ll get stronger.

Your Turn

What do you think about all this? This is a hard topic. Have you faced this in your own life? How did you resolve it? Has your view on this changed over time? Or are you facing this now? Tell us your story and your thoughts in the comments. Let’s start a healthy discussion. And please share this post on social media if it will bless others.

How to Be Honest without Being Mean

Can we be honest without being mean? Our churches have taught us to be “good” people. To be nice. To be kind. And that’s good – kindness is a fruit of the spirit, after all (Galatians 5:22-23). The problem is, with too many churches, it stops right there. Be nice. Be affirming. Don’t rock the boat.

We’ve all been taught in church how to be nice. But we’ve not been taught how to be honest.

We’ve been taught how to be Nice. But we’ve not been taught how to be Honest.

No one wants to hurt someone’s feelings. No one wants to have a difficult and possibly painful conversation. No one wants to be the one to address someone else’s blind spot. But sometimes that’s the greatest gift we can give.

There’s a right way and a wrong way to be honest with people. It’s not enough to be honest. We need to be honest the right way if the truth we bring is going to be effective.

Here are 3 essential steps to being honest without being mean. If you follow these steps, they‘ll go a long way to making the honest truth you have to share effective, and bring life to the other person.

1) Have A Relationship

Truth has to be given in the context of relationship.

You can only bring Truth to the level you have Relationship.

The Kingdom way is love first, truth second. That’s why Jesus could tell the woman caught in adultery, “Neither do I condemn you. Go and sin no more.” (John 8:11)

There are a couple common ways we get this wrong.

“Truth First” is the bane of social media. A troll’s nasty comment, no matter how true, never changed anyone’s life. There’s no relationship there. The troll posting the comment has completely forgotten there’s a person on the other end of that screen. Their goal is to be right, to win, not to connect. And it’s a complete waste of everyone’s time.

“Love Only” is a lie of the enemy, and is epidemic in our culture. It is actually unloving not to be honest with someone about negative things they need to hear.

People won’t receive what you have to say unless you are stewarding their heart well. If you don’t have their trust, they won’t receive your truth.

2) Ask Permission

What would you think if someone asked you, “Can I give you the gift of telling you what no one else will? This gift may be hurtful, but it is rare. It will benefit if you take advantage of it.”

How would you respond? My first thought is, It depends on who’s asking. See point #1 above.

Honor their choices – to Listen (or not) and to Act (or not).

Don’t just barge in, guns a-blazing, and tell the person, “I need to talk to you!” Their defenses instantly go up, and it’s going to be hard to get anywhere. Ask “Can we talk?” Then honor their choice.

3) Come Around to Their Side of the Table

Healthy communication isn’t about winning, it’s about connection. Something in their behavior is interfering with your relationship, the connection between the two of you.

Truth is best served as an Affirmation Sandwich.

If you start the conversation with the negative thing you need to say, you’re setting up the conversation like a debate, an argument with a big conference table in the middle. In this unhealthy setup, each person’s goal is to get the other to say, “I’m sorry, you’re right.” And each person knows if they say that, they lose.

The other person is probably expecting this kind of verbal competition. Their defenses are up. There’s tension in the room. But you can reframe the whole conversation by metaphorically “coming around to their side of the conference table.”

There are several ways you can do this. Thank them for something. Compliment them. Honor them. No matter what’s going on, they are a wounded person, not the devil incarnate. Find something good you can honestly compliment or thank them for, even if it’s just how nice they look today.

If the behavior you’re addressing is egregious, if you’re having trouble coming up with anything positive, ask the Holy Spirit beforehand. God is totally into healthy, honest, communication. Ask the Holy Spirit to bring to your mind right now something positive about this person you can say to break the tension.

Then repeat it after you’re done before leaving. Start and end with some kind of honest affirmation of the other person. This is showing them that you really are on their side, you’re not just trying to get one up on them. It shows them you really do care about them, you’re trying to steward their heart well, not just trying to win.

Template for Honest Communication

So what do you actually say? Put what you’re saying in this form:

“When you do this (or when this happens), I feel like _____, and I need to feel like _____. Can you please do this instead?”

Some examples:

  • “When you called out my mistake in front of everyone in the staff meeting, I felt embarrassed, and I need to feel respected. Can you please come to me in private if I’ve made a mistake?”
  • “When you drive that fast around these curves, I feel scared and I need to feel safe. Can you please slow down?”
  • “When you invite someone over for dinner without asking me first, I feel stressed, panicky, and discounted. I need to feel like my schedule and constraints matter. Can you please ask me first?”
  • “When you buy something over $200 on a whim, I feel like a second-class citizen who now has to scramble to make ends meet. I need to feel like my priorities matter to you. Can we please make financial decisions like that together?”

If you can use this model (thank you Danny Silk), it will go a long way toward removing the argumentative component of the conversation. No one can argue with how you feel.

This is a non-threatening way to present a problem in your relationship. You’re not trying to control the other person’s behavior. You’re inviting them into a deeper connection with you by modifying something in their behavior that is damaging your connection.

Then they have a choice. They can change their behavior or not. And, if not, you have a choice. Are you going to accept their behavior, ask again, or do something differently that mitigates the negative consequence to you?

Or it might lead to a discussion. Maybe they say, “No, I’m sorry, I can’t do that, but I can do this.” And maybe that’s something you hadn’t thought of. Maybe the two of you reach a reasonable compromise that protects both of your hearts and preserves your connection.

That’s the stuff healthy, strong relationships walk through.

Your Turn

Do you avoid conflict? Do you think this post is helpful? Have you learned to be honest without being mean? Tell us your story and your thoughts in the comments. And please share this post if it would bless others.

Why Neglect Is Just as Harmful as Abuse

We all understand that abuse is harmful. It leaves deep scars and wounds on our heart, especially when committed by the people who should have loved us. That’s Type B trauma—a “Bad” thing happened. We all get that abuse is really bad.

But Type A trauma—the “Absence” of the necessary good thing—is still trauma. But it’s hidden. Families with Type A trauma can look great on the outside. But neglect is just as harmful as abuse.

“My dad never abused me. He just wasn’t there.” – Millions of people who don’t realize they’re suffering from Type A trauma.

Just like abuse, neglect teaches us we’re not lovable. At least not unconditionally. We have to perform to earn love. The truth is, earned love is not love at all. It’s approval. So many of us confuse approval for love.

We desperately sell our souls for love, get approval instead, and wonder why our need for love is still unsatisfied.

My Story

My neglect wasn’t even sinful. I grew up in a wonderful Christian home. Nothing bad happened. I always knew I was loved. My dad poured into me with lots of activities, which I loved. But they were what he wanted, not what I wanted. Playing baseball. Playing cribbage. All good things I enjoyed.

My dad spent many evenings at the kitchen table going over finances on his adding machine (in the days before computers). If I wanted to play a game with him and get some attention, I’d ask him if he wanted to play cribbage. It worked every time—he’d stop his work and play with me. He couldn’t resist a game of cribbage.

But he wouldn’t stop his work to play Sub Search or Super Spy or Radar Search or Stratego or any of the other silly ‘70s board games I had. It had to be cribbage. Something he liked. Not something I liked. It wasn’t intentional on his part. He was a very good dad. He was an excellent role-model of a Christian man.

I learned, consciously, a lot of good things from my dad: How to treat a woman respectively. Faith in God is important. Being a part of a church. Tithing. Family is important. Self-control. How to be a good sport. Don’t take any wooden nickels. (To this day, I still don’t know what that last one means!)

But what did I unconsciously learn? My preferences aren’t important. Other people’s preferences are important, but not mine. To get what you want, you always have to yield to the preferences of others. Couple that with an unhealthy misunderstanding of Christ’s teaching of dying to yourself, and you’ve got a recipe for the disaster that was my first marriage.

None of that was my parent’s fault, or my ex-spouse’s fault. Or God’s fault. It’s my fault. I was protecting my heart without trusting God. After all, if I yield my preferences, lay down my rights, even when I know it’s wrong in a given situation, God’s obligated to make it turn out right, isn’t he? Boxed him into a clever corner, didn’t I? All without having to do anything scary, like a confrontation. Fortunately, God loves me too much to fall for that one.

The First Step to Freedom

The first step to freedom is committing to a healthy, Christian community. Yes, God speaks to us in our private times with him—worshiping, praying, reading the Bible. Listening to teaching. Watching edifying videos. Reading good books. That secret, private, personal history with God is extremely important.

But so is community. If you suffered neglect, you especially need to join a healthy Christian community where you can let your hair down. Not everybody has to know everything. But a few close friends (or family, or Pastors) do.

Let a community love you to life. Accept hugs. Healthy human touch is vitally important to breaking those strongholds down. Find a place where you can truly be known and know others.

Here are some traits of healthy, and unhealthy communities.

Unhealthy Communities

  • Revolve (mostly) around a single person. If the leader’s not there, cancel the meeting.
  • Have to perform for acceptance. People look down on you if you’re not doing all the things.
  • Pressure to be happy all the time. You don’t dare for one minute not be full of the joy of the Lord.
  • Motivated by guilt. I knew a pastor once who’s common response when someone told him they were missing a service was, “Ok, if you can afford to miss the blessing…” Not healthy.
  • When someone falls, morally or spiritually, they care more about how it’ll make the church look than about the devastation in the person’s life and family and how to heal and restore them. They give people the “left-hand of fellowship” right out the back door.

Healthy Communities

  • Plurality of leaders, not a one-man show.
  • People see good things in you that you don’t see in yourself, and they’re constantly calling them out.
  • Freedom to express and process negative emotions. Don’t have to pretend to be happy all the time.
  • Ok to express doubts and fears. People rally around you, not judge you.
  • When someone falls, morally or spiritually, they care more about the person than the church’s reputation. Nobody gets escorted out the backdoor.

You can find a healthy community near you, if you’re not in one already. I believe God will lead you where you’re called to be if you keep looking. Keep looking until you find it.

Does this post resonate with you? Then please share and tell us your story of community in the comments. We’d love to hear from you.

5 Ways to Validate Someone’s Pain

People come to church in silent pain, isolated and hurting. “Look at all these happy people getting close to God. I’m the only one who’s faking it.” Nothing could be further from the truth. But we drive people to internalize and hide their pain because, by and large, the church doesn’t know how to help somebody who’s hurting.

Too many of our churches are not safe places for people to admit they’re in pain, whether it’s depression, being post-abortive, struggling with self-harm or suicide, or what have you. But we have to figure this out. If you can’t go to the people of God when you’re in crisis, where can you go?

I hope this post is a positive step toward remedying this situation. Helping someone who’s hurting starts by validating their pain. Here are 5 great ways to do that.

1) Get Comfortable with Silence.

Think about it. Everything in our modern Western world is designed to protect us from one thing. Silence.

“I really need to spend some quiet, reflective time. I think I’ll get on FaceBook,” said no one ever. If we’re not careful, our lives can get driven by notifications. Someone reacted to your post! Text message! Look who added to their Instagram story!

I’m not knocking social media. They are great communication tools, and they’re fun. They have their place. But we’ve inadvertently engineered ourselves into a world with no silence.

So when we’re talking to someone who’s hurting, we don’t like an “awkward silence.” So we break it too soon. But the other person needed that silence.

Silence is healing. They are processing in the silence, and if you break it too soon, you can rob them of what God is doing in that moment. Sometimes just waiting for them to form the words speaks volumes more than anything you could’ve said.

There’s a great model for this in the book of Job. Job’s friends often get a (well-deserved) bad rap. But they actually got it right for a whole week when they showed up and just sat with him in silence, in the ashes of his life.

They sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him because they saw how great his suffering was. – Job 2:13

Then Job’s friends opened their mouths, and it was all downhill from there.

The point is, when you’re trying to comfort someone who’s hurting or grieving, don’t be the one to break the silence. Let them break it when they’re ready.

2) Acknowledge their Pain with Reflective Listening.

When someone shares their pain with you, don’t judge it, dismiss it, or minimize it. Reflect it back to them in your own words. Some examples of good things to say are:

  • “So do you feel like …?”
  • “I’m so sorry you’re going through this. That must really hurt.”
  • “Tell me more about that.”

This is not a politician’s hollow “I feel your pain” so they can manipulate a vote out of you. No, they don’t feel your pain. For the most part, they have no idea. (Aside: Never vote for anyone who says “I feel your pain” because they’re lying already.)

This is an honest attempt to truly listen and hear, not only what the person said, but how they feel. By reflecting back what you thought you heard, you communicate that you’re trying to hear their heart.

3) Don’t Say “I Understand”

One of the worst things you can say is “I understand.” The truth is, you don’t understand. You’re not them, and you haven’t been through what they’re going through. No, you really haven’t.

Even if you’ve been through something similar, you’re not them. Your backgrounds and make-up are different. Your needs are different. Your support system is different.

When we say, “I understand,” we minimize their pain. We trivialize what they’re going through. Instead, a great thing to say is, “I have no grid for what you’re going through, but I’m here for you.”

4) Don’t Share Your Story. Shut Up and Listen.

This is not time to share your similar story. They don’t need to hear your story. They need you to hear theirs. In their pain, their heart needs to speak and be heard. They need you to listen and make sure they feel heard.

They need you to hear their heart. When the other person is talking, most people aren’t really listening. They’re politely waiting to talk.

When we share our story, we take the focus off of them and put it on us. We’re telling them, “Your experience is common. I went through it. I got through it. You will too.” While that sounds great on paper and may even be true, that’s not what they need to hear right now.

They need to hear that they were heard. They need to hear that their pain is legitimate, and you’re not shaming them for it. (So often we blame trauma survivors because we’re trying to make sense of an unsafe world.)

Don’t blame them. Validate their pain. “That must really hurt,” is a great thing to say.

After you validate their pain, after they feel heard, then you earn the right to ask them if you can share your story. At the right time, your story might truly be helpful to them. But keep it short. They don’t need all the gory details. Get the focus back onto them as soon as you can.

5) Be Their Friend, Not Their Counselor

You don’t have to fix them. And, frankly, they don’t want to be fixed. They want to be healed. And the first step toward healing is being heard. If you do nothing else, communicate to them that you’ve heard their pain. Not understood it or felt it, because you don’t. But you’ve heard it.

When they believe they’ve been heard, you’ve validated their pain. You’ve validated their story. You’ve validated their worth as a person and as a child of God.

Offer to help them find good help, whether it’s pastoral or professional counseling, or whatever resources their situation requires. Always ask first, don’t impose a solution, but give them options and the freedom to choose to take them or leave them without condemnation from you. They need to drive their healing, not you, although you can respectfully suggest possible routes.

There’s nothing more rewarding than being a friend to someone in their time of need. There’s nothing more rewarding than being there, not necessarily being the person with all the right answers, but being the person who was just there when they needed us.

This is how we, as Jesus’ hands and feet, can support those in crisis who need us. This is how we can make our churches safe places for people in crisis. And we’ll be grateful for that safe place in our time of need as well.

Your Turn

What do you think? What’s your story? Please tell us your story in the comments; it will help others. And please share this post if it would bless other people.