4 Steps to Authentic Relationships

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This morning, as I look out on our deck, I see a glorious new day with radiant sunshine. It speaks of promise. Each day brings beauty and the prospect of hope.

However, the visual beauty is marred by something ugly. As someone who finds beauty restorative, I find this disturbing. You see, I love my flower boxes on the railing around our deck. They bring such beauty with colors of pink and purple. Unfortunately, the critters, namely squirrels, mess with my flowers. They tear up my beautiful petunias much to my consternation. So, in fighting back to protect my territory, I put netting and cages around my flower boxes.

Well, there’s good and bad here. This sort of worked. It is a deterrent to those pesky squirrels, but, boy, do they look ugly! These cages I built to keep stuff out is ruining the lovely view I want.

As I mediated on this image this morning, I couldn’t help but think of how inner vows we make in life are like those cages. Yes, they keep us in prison. Really??? Wow! Who knew? I thought I was protecting myself from those things that would hurt me, but in the process, good, healthy relationship has been shut out also.

So what is an inner vow? Inner vows often use the words “always” and “never.”

  • “I will never be angry like my mom. Emotions are bad. I will always stay in control.”
  • “I will always be a good girl and never make anyone upset.”
  • “I will never allow anyone close enough to hurt me.”
  • “I will always be the good guy. I will make you love me.”
  • “I will always avoid conflict and be the peace keeper.”

Inner vows keep us in a cage that, while beautifully decorated on the inside, is very lonely.

So how does that work? Well, I’m glad you asked. It’s so easy to will in our hearts things that don’t seem like a big deal at the time. But each vow is like the bar of a prison.

The strongest inner vows happen when we are young. Often before we even have language. We judge the world around us as safe or not safe. In childhood, we determine in our little hearts what is to be trusted in the world. We can also judge our parents from our own perspective.

Oftentimes, I may not even know there is an inner vow working in my life. But there is bad fruit manifesting in our relationships.

Yes! That’s why we need to be in relationship with others in the Body of Christ. In loving relationships, we can see where we are closing ourselves off from each other.

As we grow in love, we want to be in healthy relationships with healthy boundaries. Healthy means loving people and allowing people into our lives. The Lord has called us to love others and love Him. We are not meant to isolate ourselves from people like islands in the middle of the ocean. The Kingdom of God is about relationships.

That’s where my cage is a problem. While protecting myself from being hurt by others, I have also protected myself from good, healthy relationships. I’ve prevented myself from being able to love others or to receive healthy love from others.

So how do we break out of this mess? The place to start is to renounce and repent of those unhealthy inner vows and be free of those walls that keep us trapped. Then we are in a healthier place to love and be loved.

Here’s 4 steps for breaking the power of inner vows over my life:

  1. Repentance and confession for my responses that led me to make that vow.
  2. Forgiveness of those who’ve hurt me.
  3. Renounce the vow. Come out of agreement with the lie behind the vow.
  4. Replace the lie with God’s truth. Ask the Holy Spirit for the truth the lie was hiding from you.

Our agreement is everything. Inner vows are tied to a false identity. By renouncing inner vows and coming out of agreement with them, we’re taking back our ability to trust Jesus.

How about you? Do you hide behind a mask in your relationships? Or have you learned healthy boundaries? Or, like most of us, are you in the middle somewhere, learning to be vulnerable? Tell us in the comments, and please share if this would bless someone else.

A Season of Hope

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I recently met with a young couple who was experiencing a loss. They professed no spiritual beliefs. As our meeting came to a close, I asked them if I could pray for them. I was humbled when the young man took his hat off, put it over his heart, and bowed his head. He did not profess to know Jesus but his demeanor showed reverence and respect. He knew somehow that when coming to God in prayer he was standing on holy ground. I did not know how to comfort this couple but I do know that we have a Comforter to minister to those who mourn. I prayed that in this season of advent that they would have hope.

Yes. Advent. A season of waiting. Waiting for the promise of Jesus. The Lord gives us a message of hope. Future hope.

In this advent season may we show the love of Jesus to those around us that do not know this hope. Our world is starved for love. Real love. I see this hunger in the eyes of so many around us. They are starved to know that there is a God who loves them. And they need hope.

May you and yours be blessed this advent season. And may we in turn be a blessing to the hurting and dying (spiritually) around us.

Share with us in the comments what Advent means to you. And if you think this would bless someone else, please share it on Facebook or your favorite social media channel with the buttons below.

Fathers’ Heart to Launch their Children

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I’m starting to sound like one of those sappy old people. However, sometimes it seems those times are so far off and then here they are. I write this as our youngest prepares to graduate from high school. Where did the time go? As a blended family, we have adult children, grandchildren, and a teenager. High School graduation is such a milestone. No more high school! Life will be so different for this 18-year-old venturing into college and work. As parents, we want to launch our children well. Each child is so different. Some have no clue where they are going or what they want to do, and have a difficult time getting launched. Others don’t seem to need as much push or direction. Maybe it’s internal motivation.

I so appreciate Dave who exemplifies what God has called fathers to do. Really it’s the father that pushes the child into life. The mother, by design is more nurturing and would probably coddle the child so that he/she would never leave home or be independent. Contrast the father. He is more patient with a child making mistakes (not too serious) but learning how to live in an adult world. It is Dave’s passion to prepare his children, to teach them skills they need. He wants to launch them well.

Just think of the ways mothers and fathers play with their children. Mothers are more likely to be more careful in their play. A dad will bounce a child higher, higher, higher—much to the horror of mom. A father is willing to risk, to push, to teach, to allow a child to have wings. Dads seem to worry less about mistakes and minor setbacks. He knows it’s all part of the learning, the growing, the preparing. God made fathers to prepare a child for life.

Fathers are lacking in our society. Real godly fathers. Many children have been raised truly without a father. So many fathers were not fathered themselves, so they have not learned or seen healthy fathering modeled. Unless there is good mentoring and these men want to learn from godly men, they pass on the sins of their fathers.

In the Washington, DC, area where we live our lifestyle is not conducive to good fathering. Our area is a bedroom community for Washington, DC, and so many workers spend ridiculous amounts of time commuting on the road. Having the emotional energy and bandwidth to connect with children is hard. These parents (fathers) are away from the home long periods of time.

Then there is the angry father with wounding of his own. Maybe there was excessive harshness or control or perfectionism placed on them as children. That is my story. Father wounds. The only perfect father we know is God the Father. How we all need an experience of the Father’s love! An encounter with the Father that we yearn for!

So back to Father’s Day. I want to give a shout out to my husband Dave, a godly man and father who has tirelessly poured into his children. His work is never done! Our adult children still need his sage advice and council from having years of life lessons under his belt. They do not realize how he agonizes in prayer for each of them (children, sons-in-laws, stepchildren, and grandchildren). We expect a harvest of righteousness to be produced in the lives of our children. We serve a God who is faithful. He has seen every tear and stored them in a bottle. And he has heard and will answer.

So in the meantime, the godly father presses on often times doing the unappreciated or even unpopular teaching or discipline. Teenagers do not have the life experience to understand dad’s wisdom or advice. But it is the father’s heart to teach, to prepare for life, and to launch well. What a beautiful thing it is, the father’s heart!

What is your story with your father? Good or bad, we’d love to hear it in the comments or in an email. And please share on social media if you think this would bless someone else.

Transforming Your Story

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Maria thought she was healed. It was a long time ago after all, and a lot had happened since then. She’d gotten married, gotten saved, gotten active in her local church. She never acted on them, but she couldn’t shake thoughts of suicide. The frequent bouts with depression were almost overwhelming. Worst of all was how she thought of herself. She pretended well and had everybody fooled, but she couldn’t shake the self-judgements. Where was all this negativity coming from? Could she transform her story and rescue her real identity?

Working with women at our local crisis pregnancy center, I see many women like Maria who don’t connect the dots of the symptoms in their life with a past abortion. I have heard well-meaning Christians say, “I know I am forgiven” and “it’s covered in the blood.” I totally agree with that, but I have to say that forgiveness and healing aren’t the same thing. Abortion leaves a deep wound. Bad fruit often shows up down the road, such as addiction, depression, promiscuity…to name a few. Our identity – our femininity and mothering – are severely damaged.

Many churches celebrated Sanctity of Life Sunday during the month of January. As we stand for life, we must also recognize that 1 in 4 of us (some studies say 1 in 3) have been wounded by a previous abortion. The good news is there’s healing and transformation in Jesus.

Wendy Giancola, director of post abortion ministries at Capitol Hill Pregnancy Center in Washington, D.C., has written a wonderful book called Transforming Your Story: A Path to Healing after Abortion. This book grew out of her own personal healing journey as well as those she has met along the way. She believes that “optimal healing includes three important aspects: community, spiritual tools, and prayer.” Wendy recommends receiving healing in community. This book is very helpful for a healing group to use together. The chapters of the book are constructed around a Bible story which help the participant view their story through the lens of scripture. She has a very sweet way of using experience and activities that engage the heart, mind and spirit to bring spiritual truths to life. With a very gentle and loving approach, Wendy introduces scripture by saying, “Consider…” and “Let’s talk” to invite the participate into engaging their heart.

Her book also has a companion facilitator’s guide for group leaders.

Having worked with many women through abortion recovery, I particularly appreciate this book because of the way she includes scripture in the study. In the crisis pregnancy center where I volunteer, I encounter many unchurched and de-churched young women who are not familiar with the Bible. This study is not intimidating to someone who might not be able to navigate a Bible. She tells the stories of real women and their pain and includes much of the scripture right in the book. It’s a culture current way of using God’s Word which is as relevant today as it was thousands of years ago.

For those seeking help, there are pregnancy centers you can find locally who offer abortion recovery ministry. Other resources include CareNet Pregnancy Centers, Heartbeat International, Ramah International, to name a few. If you or someone you know has experienced the pain of an abortion, but not been through a healing group, you’re probably living wounded and may not even realize the depth of freedom you’re missing. Again there’s a difference between being forgiven and being healed. I strongly encourage you to seek out a post-abortion recovery study at your local crisis pregnancy center. Get your identity back. It will make all the difference in the world.

You can buy Wendy’s book on Amazon here.

The Love of the Father

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Our world is starved for love and intimacy. We are made for love – to give and receive love. In the beginning God walked in the garden with man (and woman) in the cool of the day. It is the Father’s heart to spend time with us and to commune.

We don’t have to look far to find that love. We have a father in heaven who cares about us. This Father wants to be in such a relationship where we can rest in the knowledge that he has it all under control. He wants us to have faith like a child who says “Abba” or Daddy.

When we look at Jesus we look into the face of love. Love that stepped down from the throne to pay the gruesome price for my sin. No other religion speaks of a God that wants relationship. Any other religion requires some kind of earning our way to heaven. Not Christianity. The price was paid for at the cross.

I recently gazed on a bright red woven cross. To me, it spoke of the blood of Jesus. No where can we find the power to wash away the filth of our sin. Yours is no worse than mine. It all cost Jesus his life. But he laid it down willingly for you and me. How precious and how profound.

In our sophisticated, busy lives today we desperately need to know that love and forgiveness that Jesus bought. Our God is a God of second chances. We’ve all blown it. Over and over and over. But I can always climb back into my Daddy’s lap and know His love and acceptance.

Do you relate to God as your Daddy, or is that hard? Tell us your thoughts in the comments.

Number Our Days

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Scripture tells us (Psalm 90:12) to number our days because our days are short here on earth. That sounds like a depressing thought, but I would like that thought to move us to action, not be a downer.

My mother-in-law passed away recently, and her passing came suddenly and unexpectedly. We had hoped for more time. My sadness for the lost time is short lived when I think of the wonderful life she lived. She exemplified the point of the message I hope to make.

This woman used the gifts and talents God gave her into her 80s. She never sat back and said, “I’m old. God doesn’t have anything more for me.” She was talented musically, as well as working with young children. Even in her 80s she ran a puppet ministry for children. Shirley had many talents and she used them into old age. She was also a very happy, fulfilled, contented person. I believe it’s because she was in sync with some very fundamental ways that God created her, and also you and me.

We are all created with gifts and talents. So many of us believe wrongly that we have nothing to offer, especially when we compare ourselves to the next person who appears to be so gifted. The truth is we ALL are gifted and designed with purpose. We are wired by God for work (sounds like a bad word, but it’s not); good works that he created in advance for us to do (Ephesians 2:10).

Good clues to let us know what those gifts are… What things do I particularly enjoy? What makes my heart sing? Yes, what thing or things make me feel like I was created just for this? For me personally, I love to pray. Not like in a monastery pray, but intercession – where you get God’s heart for the situation. I love to pray and see God do wonderful, outrageous, cool things in people’s lives. I love to see God outdo himself and do the impossible. ‘Cause that’s when he gets the credit.

A couple things can trip us up, though. We can look at our friend and see the wonderful things about him/her and feel inferior. It’s easy to do. We can think we are flawed and that something is wrong with us when we compare to others. Would you believe, that other person is probably looking at you and thinking the same thing! The reality (based on God’s truth, see Psalm 139) is that YOU are special and that uniqueness is all good!

Another problem can be if there is wounding in our hearts. Our gifting and personality may be hidden. My passion is to see you and me walking in wholeness so we can be a gift to others around us.

Can I pray for you? Can I joyfully believe for and pray down the glorious things that God has for you? Please send me your thoughts (if they are personal, send me an email). I would love to encourage you today.

The Hobbit

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I love the hobbit Bilbo Baggins. Do you know the story of how Gandalf the wizard crashed into his life and took him on an adventure? Good old Bilbo liked the comfort of his hobbit hole and did not want to leave his familiar Shire. He said that he had always been “respectable.” I just love him! I totally understand the comfort of the familiar and boring…. Yes, boring!

You know, when the Lord Jesus crashes into our lives and takes us on an adventure it’s not predictable or boring. The Christian life is anything but boring. Graham Cooke says that the church is boringly predictable. We’ve got it backwards! Our safety should be in the predictability of the character of a loving God who is good. All the time. Our security should be in the character of a God who never changes.

Storms will hit our lives. We cannot depend on people or circumstances. The world we live in holds so much uncertainty. If we focus on the bad things in the news we could all go crazy.

When the world around us is crazy, when our lives are spinning out of control, as humans we yearn for stability. But we put our trust in things that are not stable. In fact, they could be damaging or at least not healthy.

We can put our trust in finances or our checkbook. But the Bible tells us that riches are fleeting. (I am not saying that we shouldn’t work or use wisdom in our finances).

We can put our trust in that wonderful man or woman God has (or maybe hasn’t) brought into our lives. But the problem is, no one person or one thing can ever be what God is meant to be. He is the one we trust in when all else fails around us. He is the one who has promised to never leave us or forsake us. He is the one with the wisdom to figure out all the mess around us.

Will you trust this God who sent his son Jesus who loves you so much? Will you trust him with your life and your future? Will you trust him with your dreams? Will you trust him with your pain?

This loving God knew you in your mother’s womb. He knew all your days before you were born. He can carry you through the darkest days. He knows the good and the bad and he desires healing for you. He has the blueprint for your life.

Let’s go on the adventure God has for us and trust him.

What are your thoughts? I would love to hear from you.