December 2016 - IdentityInWholeness

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Forgiveness is a process a lot like grieving. Sometimes, like when the sin against us is horrific or ongoing (or both), we really are grieving a death. Maybe a death of our innocence, or something that was stolen from us. Perhaps the death of something that now will never be. Perhaps the death of a relationship. Maybe we’re mourning the pain and the wreckage caused by sinful actions that were just senseless and didn’t have to be.

So in forgiveness, we often go back ‘n’ forth through the five stages of grief – denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance. All that’s healthy as long as we don’t get stuck anywhere.

Often it’s like peeling an onion. We think we’ve worked through forgiveness, and something pops up and we realize there’s another layer deeper that we didn’t know was there, and we have to work through it again. Can you relate?

So how do we know when we’re finally done? We know we’re done when we can pray blessing over the other person without that initial twang of “but they don’t deserve it” in our hearts. We’re not minimizing the evil they did to us. We’re not failing to hold them accountable. We can still set up healthy boundaries, especially with someone who’s unrepentant or when there’s been no restitution. But we’re acknowledging that they are not the evil they did to us.

A good friend taught us this prayer. It’s not magic words – you can’t pray any prayer by rote and expect to accomplish anything. Just use it as a guide an make it your own. Here it is:

“I speak words of blessings, love, and forgiveness on ____ in Jesus name. Heal me of the hurt, heal me of the memory of the hurt, and give me the working of the gift of miracles to walk as if it never happened.”

Wow. Isn’t that good? That will rock your world if you have the guts to pray it regularly. Sometimes you have to fight through with this simple prayer dozens of times a day. But it’s transformational.

Will you take up the challenge and risk praying this prayer?

Today’s Action Step: When I forgive someone, I will keep working through it with the Lord, and maybe with those in my life I trust, until I can pray blessing over the other person without any reservation.

Kudos also to John Sandford, founder of Elijah House Ministries, for this concept of finishing forgiveness by praying blessing.

So how about you? Does this resonate? Have you been there? Are you there now? Tell us your story and/or struggle in the comments or shoot us an email. And if you think this would benefit others, please share it with the social media buttons below.

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Ok, so say my neighbor Jon borrows my car, and when he brings it back, he says, “Thanks for letting me borrow your car. I got into a little fender-bender, but I got it repaired and re-painted.” He shows where the dent was, and you can’t tell. The body-shop did a great job. He’s repented, and I forgive him.

But am I going to let him borrow my car again? Probably not. Yeah, he fixed it, but now my car’s been in an accident. Cars never drive quite the same afterward. The trade-in value’s decreased. Even though he fixed it, I’m feeling like I didn’t get the better end of the deal here. Interactions with other people have a scale, and in this situation, the scale’s tilted away from me.

I’ve forgiven Jon, I don’t hold it against him, but the relationship has a boundary it didn’t have before. It’s not the same relationship.

So how does Jon repair the relationship to the place it was before? That takes more than repentance and forgiveness.

So rewind. Suppose when Jon brings my car back, he says this instead: “Thanks for letting me borrow your car. I got into a little fender-bender, but I got it repaired and re-painted. While it was in the shop, I had them take out your AM/FM radio and put in a 6-disc CD changer, with a 10-speaker, surround-sound, premium sound system.”

Now can Jon borrow my car again? Absolutely! And I hope he gets in an accident! Maybe I’ll get spinners next time.

My neighbor repaired the relationship by tipping the scale back in my favor. I got the better end of the deal. That’s restitution.

That’s what it takes to repair broken relationships. A sacrifice on our part, over-and-above repentance, blessing the other person, tipping the scale in their favor, so they come away feeling like they got the better end of the deal.

When we do this, we have to look at it from their point-of-view. It has to be something that blesses them, not just something that would bless us. So ask the Holy Spirit, “Lord, what can I do to truly bless the person I’ve hurt?” Then go with your first thought – God will always answer that prayer.

And you know what? If we will make that sacrifice when we hurt others, God will pay us back and tip the scale in our favor. I’ll take that.

Kudos to John Sandford, founder of Elijah House Ministries, for this great illustration.

Today’s Action Step: When I realize I’ve hurt someone, after repenting and changing my behavior, I’ll ask the Holy Spirit what I can do to bless them, to tip the scale in their favor so they feel like they’re getting the better end of the deal.

Can you relate? Have you or someone else repaired relationship by tipping the scale with restitution? Tell us in the comments or an email. And please, if you think this would help someone else, share it on social media with the buttons below.