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The 4 Masks of Wounding and An Invitation to Healing

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So often the thing that’s causing the pain in our lives isn’t what we think. It isn’t the blatantly obvious bad fruit like self-destructive addictions or jacked-up relationships. It isn’t the less obvious bad fruit like workaholism or perfectionism. The thing that’s causing the pain in our lives is wounding.

But too often we don’t recognize our wounding for what it is because it hides from us. And often times, we let it because we don’t want to face it. But that’s where the healing is. It’s time to unmask our wounding so we can pursue the healing Jesus has for us.

Here are 4 ways wounding masks itself in our lives.

1) Shame Hides Our Wounding

Godly guilt, conviction over our sin, says, “I made a mistake.” But shame says, “I am a mistake.” Godly guilt says, “Oh, no, look what I did!” But shame says, “Oh, no, look what I am.”

The thing is, shame is a learned behavior. Authority figures, parents, teachers, government, the media, and even the church, often use shame to control behavior.

And some of us have had shame modeled in our family of origin. We lived in shame. We grew up in shame. For some of us, the shame has become so familiar we hardly notice it anymore. It’s become our normal way of life.

Shame is the belief that I am uniquely and fatally flawed.

  • Uniquely – No one is as bad as me.
  • Fatally – There’s no fixing me.

So I better hide it and fake it. I certainly won’t let anyone get close enough to see it.

The good news is, Jesus delivers us from shame. (I wrote specifically about How to Have Victory over Shame here.)

Too often church people shame us for our shame. Doh! That won’t work. We can’t help people get free from shame by dumping more shame on them.

Instead, we need to be a safe place. We do that by, counter-intuitively, not having all the answers. By letting people be in process. And supporting them in their process even if it’s different from ours.

2) Offense Distracts Us from Wounding

Offense is rabid in our society today. If I’m offended at you, it justifies all of my bad behavior toward you.

Being offended gives me a place to channel my anger, when my shame lies & tells me I deserved the sin against me. But it never gets to what’s underneath the anger.

Anger is a secondary emotion. There’s another emotion underneath it, often caused by wounding that was not our fault.

But offense keeps us spinning with such intensity that we never get a moment to breathe, take one giant step backward, and get curious about what’s underneath all that anger. (I wrote about How to Disarm Offense here.)

What’s your story underneath the distraction of all the offense? Have you ever had someone listen (non-judgmentally!) to your story? Made in the image of God, you deserve the dignity of having your story heard and honored.

3) Fear Appeases Our Wounding

Nothing inflates fear more than being wounded, wrongly, by someone else’s sin. It puts us into the unresolvable contradiction/tension of desperately craving intimacy, but being in terror of it. Our message to the world is “Come close, stay away,” both in the same breath.

Our fear destroys our identity by trapping us in one of 4 trauma responses:

  1. Fight
  2. Flight
  3. Freeze
  4. Fawn

And the thing we fear the most is going into the pain.

But that’s where the healing is. Think about it. To heal a gunshot wound, the surgeon has to open it up. Not to rewound you, but just enough to remove the toxic lead. And it’s done under very safe and controlled conditions, by someone who’s been trained and knows what they’re doing.

And you’re not just left to fend for yourself afterwards. Everyone understands a recovery period after surgery. So why don’t we understand (and have grace for!) an emotional and spiritual recovery period after inner healing of a heart wound?

4) Pride Ignores Our Wounding

This is surprising, but pride can often be a cover for wounding. In fact, fear and pride are opposite sides of the same coin. Where you find one, you will typically find the other. The most proud, arrogant people are really the most fearful. And they’re doing everything they can to hide it.

Which is a great litmus test for our own hearts. If I feel pride rising up within me, feeling better than someone else, I need to ask myself the question, “What am I afraid of?” Because, behind my pride, fear is hiding back there somewhere. (I wrote about How to Get Out of Our Head here.)

If I can get you to look at all my accomplishments, my over-the-top spirituality, the brilliance of my staggering wisdom, maybe you won’t see my wounding. Wounding?!? Nope, no wounding in here. Hey, don’t look over there! Look over here! Shiny!

The problem is, if we’re all caught up in pride, we’re shining so brightly people can’t see Jesus. They just see us. And, eventually, that’s not going to end well, for them or for us. Because, at the end of the day, we’re not Jesus. But we need him badly.

So What’s a Wounded Christian to Do?

Here are 3 steps for addressing your wounding:

  1. Recognize there’s wounding. Does one of the masks above fit?
  2. Get curious about it. Instead of judging and shaming yourself, ask questions. Where is this shame, offense, fear, or pride coming from?
  3. Pursue your healing. Go on a healing journey. Find someone to walk with you who knows what they’re doing, or at minimum honors your process.

You don’t have to share your story or your journey with everyone. But share it with someone safe. God created us for community, and often having the support of a healthy community is a major factor in healing. Therapists tell us the biggest factor in whether someone makes progress or not is the health of their support system.

Please feel free to reach out to Janet and me here.

Your Turn

Does this resonate? What shape of wounding matches your own? Where are you on your healing journey? Share your story in the comments, or reach out to us privately. And please share this post if it will bless others.

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God Is Anti-Formula and Pro-Partnership

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Although there are principles and guidelines clearly spelled out in the Bible, God is intentionally anti-formula. In fact, he goes out of his way to avoid patterns that we could turn into a formula. Because he values something so much more. Partnership with us.

Old Testament: Every Battle is Different

In the Old Testament, there are no formulas for victory. God directs Israel to fight every battle differently. Here are a few examples:

  • Joshua 6: Joshua marches around Jericho seven days in a row with worship. On the seventh day, God collapses the wall protecting the city and Joshua’s army wipes it out.
  • Joshua 8: God tells Joshua to set an ambush behind the city of Ai. Half the army pretends to retreat on the battleground in front of the city, leading Ai’s army away from the city. Those behind sack the city and attack Ai’s army from the rear. Then those feigning retreat turnaround and attack from the front. Ai’s army is caught between two fronts and soundly defeated.
  • Judges 7: Gideon’s greatly outnumbered men cover torches in jars and sneak around the enemy at night. Then all at once they break the jars, blow trumpets, and shout. This throws the enemy into confusion and they help Gideon’s army by killing each other in panic.
  • 1 Samuel 17: God defeats a giant, seasoned, professional warrior with a shepherd boy and a rock.
  • 2 Samuel 5:18-20: God tells David to attack the Philistines directly.
  • 2 Samuel  5:22-25: God tells David to circle around behind them, wait for the sound of marching in the treetops, and then attack.
  • 2 Chronicles 20: King Jehoshaphat doesn’t have to fight at all. The Lord fights the battle and causes Judah’s enemies to kill each other. Jehoshaphat and his army just go out and pick up the plunder for the next 3 days.

New Testament: Every Healing is Different

In the New Testament, there are no formulas for healing. Jesus and his disciples heal people in so many different ways:

  • Matthew 8: Jesus doesn’t even go, but from a distance tells the Roman Centurion his servant is healed.
  • Luke 4: Jesus rebukes the fever of Peter’s mother-in-law and casts it out.
  • Luke 8: The woman with the issue of blood sneaks up behind Jesus and touches his cloak, getting healed before even Jesus knew it.
  • John 9: Jesus heals a blind man by putting mud on his eyes.
  • John 11: Jesus actually lets Lazarus die first and then raises him from the dead.
  • Acts 5: Peter’s shadow falls on people and they are healed.
  • Acts 19: Cloths touching Paul are taken to sick people and they are healed.

No Formulas, No Idols

So why is God so anti-formula? I think because he knows that if we had a formula, we’d cut him out. And he loves us too much to allow that.

If we could turn the works of God into a formula, we would. We’d make an idol out of the formula. We’d cut him out, enjoying the benefits of Kingdom success by following the formula while excluding him. But God values partnership with us too much to allow that.

The beauty of our anti-formula God is that your life doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s life. While that can be scary, it’s also very freeing.

So What’s God Doing In Your Life?

Does this resonate? What is God doing in your life that looks different from everybody else? When has God had to do something unique, outside conventional wisdom, that worked beautifully? Tell us your story in the comments. And please share this post if it will bless others.

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The One Healthy Goal of Relationship (and Two Unhealthy Goals)

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We all yearn for relationships. God, as the Trinity (Father, Son, and Holy Spirit), is in relationship within himself. And we were created in God’s image (Genesis 1:26-27). So we were created specifically for relationships, with God and with each other. We are hard-wired by God to need relationships. We can’t be healthy without them. But in our wounding in this fallen world, we often pursue them with unhealthy goals.

Specifically, there are two unhealthy goals, and one healthy goal, that we’re going to unpack in this post.

Unhealthy Goal #1: Relationship Is Not about the Thrill

A relationship, especially a romantic one and especially at first, can be thrilling. And it should be. It can be exhilarating, and it should be. That’s all good. There’s nothing wrong with enjoying the thrill and the goose bumps and all that.

But that’s not a healthy goal. Because over time, the thrill subsides. The Law of Diminishing Returns sets in. Over time, we need a bigger and more intense stimulus to achieve the same level of thrill.

The Law of Diminishing Returns: Over time, we need a more intense stimulus to achieve the same thrill.

Diminishing returns is what traps addicts. Whether it’s drugs, alcohol, porn, unmarried sex, or affairs after marriage, we need a bigger hit of our “drug of choice” to get the same thrill we did at first.

Remember the first baby roller-coaster you went on as a child? You thought it was amazing! But now as an adult, you’re like, “Wake me up when it’s over.” As a society, we’re always pursuing the next big thrill, whether it’s a new level of special-effects in movies, or the next, more extreme roller-coaster.

Which is fine for movies and roller-coasters. But when we approach relationships like that, we objectify people and treat them as disposable. And that’s not ok.

Do you approach your relationships with a roller-coaster mindset?

Or have you been thrown away like yesterday’s trash because someone else was just into you for the thrill? You deserve more.

Unhealthy Goal #2: Relationship Is Not about Transaction

Yes, all relationships have a transactional bank account. (I talk more about that here, The Secret to Repairing a Relationship You’ve Damaged.) And we all get transactional benefits from healthy relationships. We should. That’s all well and good.

But “what I’m getting out of it” is not a healthy goal. That objectifies people that we throw away when they no longer hold up their end of the unwritten contract.

Do you approach your relationships with a transactional mindset?

Or have you been thrown away because someone else’s risk-benefit analysis was no longer in your favor? You deserve more.

The Healthy Goal: Relationship Is about Connection

People who have relationships that last approach them with a connection mindset.

When the thrill of a new relationship subsides, and when we don’t feel like we’re getting any transactional benefit out of it, that’s when we’re invited into a deeper, much more satisfying goal: Connection.

Although we do, and should, get thrills and benefits from relationships, healthy people don’t pursue relationships for those reasons. Those are byproducts of a healthy relationship, not goals. The goal is Connection with the other person.

How Do We Approach God?

Too often, we approach God with either a roller-coaster mindset or a transactional mindset.

The roller-coaster mindset comes to God for the thrill, to experience the miraculous. The sticky wicket is, experiencing the miraculous is thrilling. And God does miraculous stuff. But if that becomes our goal, instead of connection with him, then we’ve made the experience into an idol.

Neither should we come to God with a transactional mindset. I recently read an article where a pastor, who shall remain nameless, said this:

“Holy worship is far more than a theological lecture. It’s gathering to receive Christ’s forgiveness, life and salvation.” I want to pick a fight with this quote.

While that quote sounds good on the surface, I want to pick a fight with it. That’s a transactional mindset.

Yes, we desperately all need Christ’s forgiveness, his life, and his salvation. But that’s not why we gather. We spend time with him, both corporately at church and privately, to connect with him at a heart level. And all those good things, forgiveness, life, salvation, gifts, healing, are all byproducts of our connection.

The goal is not intellectual understanding, although we will gain knowledge, wisdom, and understanding through our connection with him. The goal is not emotional experience, although we will have emotional experiences through our connection with him.

If we’re not growing in wisdom, or we aren’t having any emotional experience with him, then our connection with him is weak, if it exists at all. If this is you, congratulations! You’ve discovered an area God wants to bless you in. He’s inviting you into a new and deeper connection with him. Tell him you accept. Ask him to take you there.

Is your goal in approaching God connection?

Your Turn

Is this post landing for you? Are you realizing you approach your relationships with either a roller-coaster or transactional mentality? Or have you been thrown away like yesterday’s trash because someone else did? Tell us your story in the comments, or reach out to us privately. And please share this post if it would bless others.

Why You Feel Unworthy

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As I work with people to help them partner with God for the calling on their lives, I see a common obstacle that holds many people back. Some people know their calling, but this holds them back from stepping into it. Other people can’t even approach God to have the conversation and investigate their calling, because of this one thing. Well, what is it already? I’m glad you asked.

It’s a deep-seated, underlying feeling of unworthiness, and the shame that comes along with it.

In my experience, feeling unworthy is one of the hardest obstacles to overcome, because most of us don’t correctly understand why we feel unworthy. And if we don’t even understand why we feel that way, it becomes really hard to address the root of the problem.

But before we unpack that, a caveat first.

Please Don’t Hear What I’m Not Saying

This is when all the Biblical scholars and theologians out there quote me all the Bible verses about our sinful nature, our unworthiness before a holy God, and how we can’t save ourselves. Yeah, I know all that. And I agree.

I’m taking for granted in this post that we all understand that, yes, of course we are all unworthy (Romans 3:10-11). None of us deserve the grace we’ve been given. None of us deserve relationship with God. None of us deserve his favor. This is not a post to encourage entitlement.

But wasn’t that the whole point of the cross? Jesus took all our unworthiness and nailed it to the cross, so when God looks at us, he sees Jesus’ worthiness (2 Corinthians 5:21).

That’s not license to presume on God’s grace and live however sinfully we want (Romans 6:1-2, Philippians 2:14-16). It’s recognition of the fact that, to restore relationship with God, Jesus took worthiness off the table at the cross.

So let’s talk about why we really feel unworthy. We can’t move past the unworthiness that Jesus died for if we don’t even understand why we feel it in the first place.

Why You Think You Feel Unworthy

You think you feel unworthy because “I’m so _____.” Fill in the blank with the negative adjective for you. Fat? Weak? Stupid? Vulgar? Dirty? (Feeling dirty is common for people who have been abused.) Sinful? Angry? Broken? Not good enough? Flawed? Defective?

What do your thoughts constantly accuse you of? What do you, in your heart, deep down, accuse yourself of?

The truth is, that’s a lie we believe. Sorting out lies is tricky. The nature of being deceived is we don’t know we’re deceived. It’s hard to identify lies we believe so deeply we just take them for granted.

But even if those things were true, which they aren’t, it still wouldn’t matter. Those things are irrelevant because that’s not how God sees us. (I have others posts on this subject here, How Your Negative Past is the Key to Your Awesome Future, and here, Why You Are Not Defined by Your Actions.)

So here’s the paradigm shift: Why you think you’re unworthy is not really why you feel unworthy.

Why You Really Feel Unworthy

The truth is, Jesus nailed all that negative stuff, both from our past and what we’re struggling with now, to the cross. And, honestly, none of that is why you feel unworthy.

You feel unworthy because you’re wounded. That’s what wounding does. It makes you feel unworthy.

Feeling unworthy is a sign that we have wounded, broken places in our heart that God wants to heal.

Remember that blank you filled in up above with your “negative adjective”? Inner healing is the process of replacing those lies with God’s truth, replacing how we see ourselves with how God sees us.

The Language of the Heart

So something bad happens in our lives. We call that Type “B” Trauma, Bad Thing Happened. Or something good fails to happen. We call that Type “A” Trauma, the Absence of the Necessary Good Thing.

This is our wound. Both types of woundings can be just as damaging. And neither is our fault.

But our response to it is. Because of what happened, or what failed to happen that should’ve, what judgements did we make about ourselves? About God? About other people? About how we would be treated? In inner healing lingo, we call these bitter root judgements and bitter root expectations.

Therefore, because we’ve judged ourselves, God, and the world this way, how did we vow to protect our heart? We call this an inner vow.

Inner vows are ways we’ve internally sworn to protect our heart ourselves, instead of trusting God.

An Example

Here’s an example of Type “A” Trauma, the Absence of the Necessary Good Thing.

So suppose a parent was physically present but emotionally absent. If it’s your mother, maybe you were never emotionally nurtured. You never learned you could be loved just for yourself.

If it’s your father, maybe you were never affirmed and approved, never called into who God created you to be, never given permission to be your true self. You only were acceptable if you performed properly.

Either way, what might you have judged about yourself, God, the world? Maybe one of these:

  • “I’m not worthy of love in and of myself.”
  • “I’m only loved if I perform.”
  • “No one will love me for me.”
  • “If I don’t give people a reason to love them, they won’t.”
  • ”People will only love me if there’s something in it for them.”

So then, because of that, what might you vow to protect your heart? Maybe one of these:

  • “I will always be the good person to earn love.”
  • “I will never disappoint anyone.”
  • “I will never let anyone come close enough to see the real me.”
  • “I will reject others before they can reject me.”

Can you see how these deep, inner beliefs we take for granted wreak havoc in our lives?

Inner healing isn’t about digging stuff up from the past or blaming our parents. But if past woundings are causing bad fruit in our life today, they aren’t in the past at all, are they? They are very much here with us in the present causing damage that God wants to heal.

Are You Willing to Pursue Healing and Wholeness?

Jesus took worthiness off the table at the cross. God isn’t looking for worthiness. He’s looking for willingness.

Inner healing, like a life-saving surgery, hurts. And there’s a recovery period. Like physical therapy after a surgery, you may need spiritual and/or emotional therapy for a while even after receiving inner healing. It’s not a “one and done.”

But getting your life back is worth it. It takes a willingness to go to the scary places that may have been buried a long time. Not to relive the trauma. But so that God can heal it.

Are you willing?

Your Turn

Does this resonate? Tell us your story in the comments. Do you feel unworthy? Are you willing to pursue healing? Please reach out to Janet & me here.

And please share this post if it would bless others.

How to Cut Unrighteous Soul Ties in 5 Steps

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Have your head and your heart ever disagreed? Especially about whether a relationship is over or not? In your head, you’re totally over it. But your heart keeps weeping, and try as you might, you can’t stuff it down. And, even in other relationships, it keeps flooding back into your mind? You might be suffering the effects of a soul tie.

All sins are the same in the eyes of God (James 2:10-11). But sexual immorality has worse consequences for us, because it’s a sin inside our own body (1 Corinthians 6:18).

CS Lewis wrote:

The truth is that whenever a man lies with a woman, there, whether they like it or not, a transcendental relationship is set up between them which must be eternally enjoyed or eternally endured. – The Screwtape Letters, Letter XVIII

Sex does a heart exchange. A piece of your heart goes to the other person, and a piece of their heart comes to you. Forever. It’s permanent. God designed this to be a blessing in marriage. It’s a beautiful thing to exchange hearts with someone we are committed to for life.

The problem is, when it’s not in marriage, such an eternal relationship is tortuous. And then, when we meet the one we want to spend the rest of our life with, we want to give them our whole heart. But we can’t. Because we no longer have a whole heart to give. It’s been scattered to the wind. Forever.

And that’s just the reality. That’s the truth of it, without God. The good news is, our God can heal Forever. He can even put permanently ruptured things back together. He can restore your heart.

That permanent heart exchange is called a soul-tie. It’s a permanent connection between you and the other person. Unless God steps in and heals it.

A Prerequisite …

I’m taking for granted, if you’re wanting to break unrighteous sexual soul ties, that you’re repentant. That you’re no longer living that life-style. That you are no longer having sex with someone you aren’t married to. And you’re committed to staying pure, from this point forward, until marriage.

If you’re not in that place, no condemnation. Just don’t waste your time with this. You’ve got bigger business to do with God if you’re still living a sinful lifestyle.

… And a Caveat

Sometimes we are not a willing partner in the sexual sin against us. I’m talking about the hard stuff, rape, incest, abuse, etc. If you were not a willing partner, it was not your sin. They sinned against you, and you are not at fault in any way.

But even if you were not a willing partner, the abuser established a soul-tie with you. The good news is, God wants to heal it, and restore the piece of your heart that was stolen.

5 Steps to Cut a Soul Tie

So here are 5 steps to breaking, removing, and healing an unrighteous sexual soul-tie. It is often best to walk through this with a safe, non-judgmental person, preferably someone trained in inner healing. But you could do this by yourself if you need to.

Step 1) Name the Name and the Thing

Our words have power. You need to do all these steps out loud.

So out loud, say the person’s name, and “the thing”; i.e., the sin they committed against you. If you were a willing partner, you equally sinned against them. Lay it out there.

In cutting soul-ties, we are performing a legal transaction in the spiritual realm. In this step, you are listing the charges. Sometimes it helps to write them down.

Step 2) Tell God How You Feel

Making it your own, use this as a template prayer: “Lord, looking back on it now, I feel …” And tell God how you feel about it. Angry? Sad? Disrespected? Used? Devalued? There are no wrong answers.

Cuss if you need to. In this step, you’re doing real business with God. You’re being honest about something you might never have admitted before.

Step 3) Forgive the Person

Forgiveness is one of the most misunderstood topics in the church. Forgiveness is not pretending it was ok, or letting the person off the hook. Forgiveness does not mean restored relationship with the person. (If this is hard, check out what forgiveness is and is not here.)

Forgiveness does not mean you feel good or even charitable toward the person at all. This is a legal transaction. You are canceling the debt they owe you.

Step 4) Cut the Soul Tie

Use this template prayer as a guideline:

“Lord, I cut the soul tie with _____.” (Say the name.) “I release the portion of their heart that’s with me back to them, and I ask you to return the portion of my heart that resides with them back to me. Please restore my heart to the wholeness you have for me.”

Swing your arm, or make a cutting motion, when you say “cut.” Do something physical to symbolize cutting the soul tie. There are two reasons for this.

First, CS Lewis made the point that, as hybrid physical and spiritual creatures, what we do with our body affects our spirit. And second, trauma lodges in the body. Doing something physical helps you get to in a way you can’t with your intellect and words alone.

Step 5) Bless the Person

Finally, the last step is praying blessing over the other person. This can be really hard. (You can learn more about finishing forgiveness with blessing here, Finishing Forgiveness, and here, Forgiveness Litmus Test.)

And, again, this is a legal transaction. You don’t have to feel good toward them to do this. And this can be really, really, hard if they are an abuser, or if they are continuing in their sin. A prayer like this is enough:

“Lord, I pray blessing over _____.” (Say the name.) “I pray that they would know you and live out the fullness of the calling you have on their life, in intimacy with you.”

A Personal Story

I was having a lot of trouble forgiving my narcissistic ex-wife who left me. Her behavior had not changed, and it was wreaking havoc in my kids. She was totally unrepentant. I owned my part of the mess, but I was having a lot of trouble forgiving her.

So I was getting prayer ministry with a wise counselor. While she was praying for me, I saw, in my mind’s eye very clearly, Jesus hanging on the cross. He asked me, “Have I hung here long enough to pay you back for the evil she did to you? Or do you want me to hang here a little longer?”

I was undone. “No, Jesus, we’re good, you can come down, that’s long enough.” I was a pool of tears.

I always knew he hung on that cross for my sins, but, until that moment, I never understood that he hung on that cross for other people’s sins against me. That was a game changer. I could then forgive my ex-wife, prayer blessing over her, and cut the soul tie.

How About You?

Does this resonate? This is a delicate subject, so while you’re always welcome to leave a comment (your story blesses others), you’re also welcome to email us. We would love to talk to you and minister freedom to you in this area. And please share this post if it would bless others.

7 Traits of a Healthy Group

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If you’re looking to join a healthy group, whether it’s a church, a mastermind, an association, or a support group, here are 7 traits to look for.

1) Givers

They are givers, giving to others more than they take. And no one is keeping score. There’s no “you owe me because I helped you.” Their help, acceptance, and love does not have strings attached.

2) Abundance Mindset

They have an abundance mindset, not a scarcity mindset. No one is afraid of your success because it means less success for them. There’s no competition.

Instead, they celebrate your success. They believe a rising tide raises all boats.

3) Diverse Interests

They have diverse interests. They are not cookie-cutter people. They don’t try to force you to be like them.

4) Diverse Skills

They have diverse skills. Everyone being good at something makes all of us good at everything.

5) Diverse Levels

They are at diverse levels. People are allowed to be in process. Everyone’s contribution is valued. The rookies benefit from the veteran’s experience, and the veterans benefit from the rookies’ energy and fresh eyes.

6) Support, Not accountability

Accountability groups try to force you to do something you don’t want to do (or stop doing something you do want to do). The only tools they have for doing that are guilt and shame. Responsibility for your results are transferred from you (where it belongs) to the group.

Instead, in a healthy group, you bring the motivation. The group brings the how-to. That’s why diverse skills (above) are so important. Somebody in the group probably knows how to do what you’re stuck on. Or the group together can help you figure it out.

I wrote more about this particular point here, Why You Need Support, Not Accountability.

7) People Are Blessed When They Exit the Group

Watch how the group treats members who leave. That’s how they will treat you. Are people guilted into staying? Are former members viewed as outsiders, traitors, or lepers? Are people openly blessed out the front door, or quietly shoved out the back door? Are they honored or shamed?

A healthy group has a good attitude when you leave. They understand all things are for a season. They send you, with blessing, out the front door.

Your Turn

What do you think? Did this resonate? What healthy, or unhealthy, traits have you experienced in groups? Would you add any traits to this list? Tell us your story in the comments. And please share this post if it would bless others.

Why You Need Support Not Accountability

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Accountability groups, or accountability partners, are big in some Christian circles. But, while well-intentioned, accountability’s not all it’s cracked up to be. What you actually need is support, not accountability.

Here are 4 reasons why.

1) Support Helps, Accountability Controls

The critical difference between accountability and support is that accountability is “friendly” control, while support is help. But the truth is, to quote Danny Silk, “The only person I can control, on a good day, is myself.” Which also means that no one else can control you. No matter how well intentioned, it just won’t work.

“The only person I can control, on a good day, is myself.” — Danny Silk

We submit ourselves to accountability, either with a group or a single accountability partner, when there’s something we feel like we should be doing, but we really don’t want to. We think the guilt and peer pressure of having to report our failures will help. But think back. When in your life has peer pressure ever been a good thing? When have you ever been happy to be motivated by impending shame? Aren’t we much more likely to hide and eventually quit the group or partner?

2) With Support, You Bring the Motivation. In Accountability, It’s Imposed on You.

Who Brings the Motivation? We join accountability groups, or partnerships, when we’re guilted into admitting we should change our life. So we begrudgingly join the group (or partnership). But it feels like going to the dentist. We don’t want to go, we know it’ll hurt, but we know it’s good for us. It’s certainly no fun, and if we could rationalize a way out of it, we would. The motivation is imposed, or guilted, upon us by the rest of the group.

But in a support group (or partnership), we bring the motivation. There is something in our life that we actually, truly want to change. Or it’s a goal we’re passionate about achieving. But we know we can’t do it ourselves because we’ve been trying and it’s not working. So we ask trusted people in our life for help. We come into support situations grateful for the help, not dreading the “help” of accountability.

In fact, manipulative and controlling accountability is actually counter-productive. It can be demotivating, achieving the opposite of the intended result. 

3) Support Gives You Permission, Accountability Forces You 

In support, you’ve asked for help. This is something you want to do. People who support you remind you of your calling, your giftings, the positive words spoken over your life. They remind you who you really are. Their affirmation tears down the lies we believe about ourselves.

So often, when we’re having trouble moving forward, it’s because fear has gripped us. Fear often hides behind a mask of logic. Supportive people give us permission to take reasonable risks. They encourage us to take brave baby steps, and they cheer us on. 

There’s a sense of coercion by guilt that so often accompanies being held accountable. Even that phrase, “being held accountable,” has negative legal connotations, doesn’t it? Accountability attempts to force us to do the right thing. Support gives us permission.

4) Support Honors Your Choice, Accountability Shames Your Choice

What if you change your mind? Maybe you decide you don’t want this goal after all. Maybe you want to quit the group. Although supportive people might disagree, be sad and miss you, they honor your choice. Accountability groups (and partners) shame your choice. They try to force you back in line, away from being “out of control.” Think about that phrase! 

Shame never accomplishes anything good, but it’s the only tool (or weapon?) people who want control over your behavior have at their disposal. That’s a scary thought. Here’s a scarier one: Shame is actually the enemy’s main weapon against us. 

As believers, the enemy only has power over us when we believe his lies. Shame is one of his major tools for entrenching those lies in our heart. Shame activates fear. Fear drives us away from those who would love that shame away and take down those lies like a house of cards.

Since shame is something in the enemy’s toolbox, we can’t ever use shame to achieve a godly result.

Support over Accountability

It can be scary when a loved one is making destructive choices, especially an adult child. Sometimes, out of our very real fear, we try to control and hold them accountable with the best of intentions. We truly want the best for them. But we have to let them live their own adventure.

Jesus totally did this. For example, at the pool of Bethesda, he asked the paralytic, “Do you want to get well?” (John 5:1-15) And again, in Mark 10:46-52, he asked the blind man, “What do you want me to do for you?” These may seem like no-brainer questions, but he was overtly honoring their choice. He certainly wanted to heal them, but he was letting them choose it. He was letting them live their adventure. 

And we have to live ours. Seek out people who will support you, tell you the hard truth, but then honor your choice. Rather than guilting you into what you should do, they ask you, “What do you want me to do for you?” Then they support you in that area, if they morally can, even if they think your main problem is in another area. If they can’t support you for whatever reason, they’ll tell you straight up and not play games with you.

How About You?

Does this resonate? Please share this post if it would bless others. And tell us your story in the comments. Have you been through “accountability gone bad”? Have you had good experiences with support? Your story will help others, and we’d love to hear it.

Why Trying Harder Doesn’t Work and What to Do Instead

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“I’ll just try harder!” How many times, frustrated with yourself, have you doubled-down and said that? I have. When we’re not getting the results we want in our job, our relationships, our body, and/or our spiritual life, we commit to trying harder. Doing all things. Harder this time. “It’ll work this time because I’m going to try harder!” But it doesn’t. Because trying harder doesn’t work.

Doing What’s Not Working, Only Harder, Won’t Make It Start Working

The engineering company I worked for had a serious problem.

Our customers were certain 3-letter government agencies. Our building had a “secure room” where we did sensitive work for these customers. The room had a separate alarm code from our office space, and a badge reader at the door, so only people working on the program could enter the room.

Our daily cadence was, arriving 6:00 AM or earlier, the early-birds opened the room. Then, leaving after 6:00 PM, the late-birds secured & locked it. That worked fine, except for when it didn’t.

If the late guy had a doctor’s appointment and left early, nobody locked the room. The late guy thought somebody else, the last person out of the room, would secure the room. But the last person out didn’t know they were the last person out. They didn’t know the late guy had left early.

It was even more confusing, because there were multiple late guys, and each thought one of the others would lock the room. And some days, only the early guys were in the room, expecting one of the late guys to lock it. But none of the late guys knew that.

Anyway, it seemed like every 3 or 4 months or so, an early guy would come in early and find the room unlocked. Snap. That’s a security violation that has to be reported to the Government Customer. Enough violations in a short enough time period, and it’s game over. Contract terminated, company folds, and we’re all unemployed.

So the facility manager would send out an urgent email: “We all need to try harder to make sure the secure room is locked each night! This is everyone’s responsibility!” But in another 3 or 4 months, snap, we’d have another violation. Trying harder wasn’t working.

I had an idea I shared with the facility manager. And it wasn’t trying harder. Everyone in the office was hired because we were all responsible, conscientious, trust-worthy, dependable people. Everyone was already trying as hard as they could. We all knew the stakes. We couldn’t try any harder.

When you’re already doing your best, you can’t try harder. You have to do something different.

We had to do something different. We laminated a 3” x 4” colored card, a “room tag,” and put it on a chain. When the secure room was locked, it hung on the doorknob outside the room.

When an early guy unlocked the room in the morning, he hung the room tag around his neck. It was big enough that you couldn’t forget you had it and accidently go home while you were wearing it.

So the procedure was, when the early guy left for the day, he had to find a late guy to accept the tag. If you accepted the tag, you accepted responsibility for locking the room that before you left that night. If the early guy couldn’t find a late guy to accept the tag, he locked the room and hung the tag outside the door.

And everyone in the office knew at a glance if the room was locked, by whether the tag was hanging outside the door or not.

Bam! Instantly, no more security violations. The secure room was never left unlocked again. It worked.

Trying Harder Focuses on the Wrong Thing

So, yes, your results are driven by your actions. If you want different results, you need to take different actions. But focusing on the actions themselves is not enough.

Every addict, whether the addiction is drugs, alcohol, porn, food, gambling, shopping, or whatever, has experienced that trying harder doesn’t work. “Ok, I’ll take a different action. I won’t do that thing ever again!” And then they find themselves frustrated, having just done that thing. Again.

Trying harder focuses on our actions. But our actions are not the root of the problem, which is why trying harder doesn’t work. It puts our focus in the wrong place.

Our actions are driven by our decisions. In the secure room example, we decided to implement a new procedure. And that decision drove actions, before the room was left unlocked, that made all the difference. An addict needs to decide to identify and deal with their triggers, before the next episode happens.

But even focusing on our decisions is the wrong place to focus. Because our decisions are driven by our thinking. And our thinking is where we need to focus. That’s where the progress and the breakthroughs happen.

Thinking –> Decisions –> Actions –> Results

So if you want different results, take different actions, by making different decisions, by changing your thinking.

With the secure room, we made a paradigm shift in our thinking. We went from thinking, “It’s everyone’s responsibility to make sure the secure room is locked” (which sounds great on paper), to “It’s the person with the room tag’s responsibility to make sure the secure room is locked.”

If an addict is ever going to beat the addiction, they need to be willing to journey into the pain that addiction is medicating. They need to take the journey to discover the lies in their thinking, and replace those lies with God’s truth.

What We Think Because of Our Trauma

The trauma we endured was out of our control and is never our fault. But what we think about ourselves as a result of it is in our control.

To over-simplify it for the sake of example, someone abused as a child might think, “I’m dirty. I have no value.” So they decide, “I don’t deserve any better.” So they choose abusive partners. And they hate the results in their relationships.

But simply being determined to not get in another abusive relationship leads to frustration, acquiescing to, “Oh well here I am again. I guess it’s just always going to be this way.” Because unhealed faulty thinking is leading to the same lousy results.

But replacing the lies with God’s truth, doing the hard work to actually change their core thinking, they come to believe, for example, “I am beautifully and wonderfully made. I am God’s precious child and he loves me for me, before I do anything good or bad.” Then they decide they will never settle for lesser loves again. They take different actions, setting healthy boundaries, and not engaging with unhealthy people. And they enjoy the results of attracting healthy relationships.

Although that’s a way over-simplified example, you get the point. To change our results, we ultimately have to change our thinking. So trying harder doesn’t work, because it’s focused on our actions, while the problem is in our thinking.

Changing our thinking leads to making different decisions, which leads to taking different actions, which leads to the results we want.

Your Turn

Have you tried to change your actions without changing your thinking? How’d that work for you? What paradigm shifts have you made in your thinking that have led to different decisions, different actions, and better results? Share your story in the comments to help the community. And share this post if it will bless others.

Credit Where Credit Is Due

I learned the concepts in this post from Andy Andrews’ book “The Noticer Returns” (not an affiliate link). Andy skillfully wraps practical Kingdom concepts up in an entertaining and engaging fictional story. It’s a great, fun, and easy read. I highly recommend it.

How to Conquer Imposter Syndrome

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“Imposter Syndrome” is that feeling of inadequacy we all feel when we’re overwhelmed by our calling. Because God always calls us to something bigger than ourselves. He calls us to something we can’t do without him.

So often, this is our first response to God’s calling on our lives. And, believe me, imposter syndrome, feeling inadequate for the task, continues to pop up over and over again. Because, in ourselves, we are inadequate for the task. God is the one who makes it work.

The Whispers of the Enemy

Who am I to do this?”

When the enemy talks to us, he disguises his voice as ours so we don’t recognize his lies as coming from external to ourselves. And he talks to us in the first person, so we think his lies are our own thoughts.

He won’t say, “Who are you to do this?” in a Darth Vader voice. He’ll say, “Who am I to do this?” in our own voice, so we don’t recognize him, and we think it’s our own thought. If we think it’s our own thought, we’re quicker to agree with it. And when we agree with his lies, that’s where he gets power over us.

That’s imposter syndrome. And it’s the whisper of the enemy.

  • “I can’t raise a child.”
  • “I can’t write a book.”
  • “I can’t do this job.”
  • “I can’t be a pastor.”
  • “I could never actually do that thing that makes my heart sing.”

If you feel like this, you’re not alone.

All Over the Bible

Everyone, Christians and non-Christians alike, have dealt with this, from the beginning of time. There are examples all over the Bible. Here are just a few:

  • Moses: “Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?” (Exodus 3:11)
  • Gideon: “How can I save Israel? My clan is the weakest in Manasseh, and I am the least in my family.” (Judges 6:15)
  • Saul: They inquired further of the Lord, “Has the man [Saul] come here yet?” And the Lord said, “Yes, he has hidden himself among the baggage.” (1 Samuel 10:22)
  • Jeremiah: “Alas, Sovereign Lord,” I said, “I do not know how to speak; I am too young.” (Jeremiah 1:6)
  • Esther: “… any man or woman who approaches the king in the inner court without being summoned, the king has but one law: that they be put to death …” (Esther 4:11)
  • Peter: “Go away from me, Lord; I am a sinful man!” (Luke 5:8)

So if you feel like you’re in over your head, and you can’t possibly do that thing that makes your heart sing, you’re in good company.

Partnership with God

We feel imposter syndrome when we realize God is calling us to something bigger than ourselves, that we can’t do on our own. Which is actually the point. He wants to do it in partnership with us.

But we have to do our part. If we give up, we tie God’s hands.

What if, when we get to heaven, we see all the resources God had lined up to help us, all ready to fall like dominoes at just the right time when we needed them. But it never happened because we never pushed over the first domino. I don’t want to live in eternal regret, do you?

How to Conquer Imposter Syndrome

When God, from the burning bush, calls Moses to deliver the Israelites from Egypt, Moses’ first response is classic imposter syndrome. Who am I to do this? I can’t do this!

“Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?” — Exodus 3:11

God’s response to Moses, and all the others mentioned in the bullets above, is the cure for imposter syndrome. God’s common answer is, “I will be with you.”

“I will be with you. And this will be the sign to you that it is I who have sent you: When you have brought the people out of Egypt, you will worship God on this mountain.” – Exodus 3:12

The cure for imposter syndrome is worship. Intimacy. Spending time with God. Being with the one who will be with you.

When, through intimacy with him as a lifestyle, we get to the place where we know that we know that God has called us, we can say with Moses, “If you’re not going with us, we’re not going” (Exodus 33:15, my paraphrase). But with his presence, we can do anything.

When you feel inadequate for the task, spend intimate one-on-one time with the One who’s calling you to the task.

The cure to imposter syndrome is spending time with the One who longs to spend time with us.

Your Turn

Does this resonate?

Have you felt imposter syndrome? What has it kept you from doing? Or have you conquered it? Either way, tell us in the comments. And please share this post if it would bless others.

Photo by Pablo Heimplatz on Unsplash

3 Fears We Have about Hearing God’s Calling on Our Lives

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As a “calling coach,” I’ve been helping people hear God for the calling on their life, and practically step into it, for a while now. When I started, I thought people wanted to know God’s calling on their life, but just didn’t know how. What I actually discovered surprised me.

While, yes, we want to know God’s calling on our life, we also have mixed feelings about it. In fact, we are often outright afraid to hear God’s calling on our life. After working with many people, here are what I’ve found to be the 3 most common fears we have about hearing God’s calling on our life.

(1) “I fear God will ask me to do something I don’t want to do.”

“I’m afraid God will call me to do something I hate, or something I really don’t want to do, like teach Sunday School. Or move to Africa. And then that’ll put me in the awkward place of either hating my life or being disobedient.”

There’s nothing wrong with teaching Sunday School or moving to Africa. Those are good things. But if those are things you would hate (or severely dislike), then don’t worry. God’s not calling you to do that.

Don’t be afraid. God doesn’t call us to something we hate. It might be something we’re afraid to do, but because we think it won’t work, or we don’t know how, not because we hate it. If it actually worked, it’s something we’d be excited about.

Your calling is not something God has to guilt you into.

If you feel pushed into something, then that’s not God’s calling for you. God’s calling pulls us. It’s something, if all the risk was stripped away, that you’d want to do.

What is something you keep telling yourself to not get so excited about? “That’ll never work!”  But your thoughts and your heart can’t stop leaning in that direction. God’s calling is pulling you.

God put his calling in you, as a passion in your heart, when he created you. The enemy’s tried to bury it, as deeply as he can, under mountains of wounding. But it’s still there.

Are you willing to let God rekindle your passion?

(2) “I fear getting it wrong.”

“But what if I get it wrong? What if I don’t hear God correctly? I don’t want to waste years of my life, operating out of my flesh, going down the wrong path.”

Kudos for caring! Honestly, many people don’t care if they’re on the wrong path as long as they’re comfortable and happy in the moment. But you are a person who fears God and actually cares.

God honors that desire of your heart to get it right, stewarding your life for his Kingdom. With that heart motivation, he won’t let you get it wrong. With that heart motivation, the only wrong step you can take is not taking one.

Check out this 3 minute video that explains it better with visual aids. 🙂

Don’t be afraid. God won’t let you get it wrong. The only wrong step you can take is not taking one.

Are you willing to take the first step into the adventure God has for you?

(3) “I fear I can’t live up to it.”

“I’m not afraid I’ll hear God wrong or that it’ll be something I hate. I’m afraid I’ll hear God right and it’ll be something I’d love to do, but I won’t be able to. I’m afraid I won’t be able to live up to his calling on my life.”

Legit fear. And actually… accurate. We are all broken people, and we can’t live up to his calling on our life. By ourselves. But the good news is, we don’t have to.

Yes, God’s calling on our life is something bigger than us. It’s not something we can do in our own strength. But God never calls us to do something alone.

When God calls people in the Bible to these impossible things, like Moses, Gideon, etc., and they have legitimate concerns about why they can’t do the thing, God always answers the same way:

“Nevertheless, I will be with you.” – God

He doesn’t argue with them about their concerns. He just assures them they will not be alone.

Don’t be afraid. God is not calling you to do it alone. He will be with you. And he typically brings other people alongside you. Eventually.

Yes, God calls us to something we can’t do. Alone. But the good news is he’s calling you into partnership with him. He wants to do it with you. Your job is to take the next step. His job is to make it work.

Are you ready to partner with God?

Are you willing to be willing?

Three times above, I’ve asked the question, “Are you willing to …?” Sometimes we’re not willing because it’s scary. That’s ok.

If that’s you, are you willing to be willing? That’s enough; God can work with that.

Your Turn

Does this resonate? Do you see yourself in this post? Which fear do you struggle with? Tell us in the comments, and the community can help you. Or if you’ve worked through one of these fears (or another one related to hearing God), tell us your story in the comments. Your story will help others.

And please share this post if it will bless others.